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[Deleted member 1235]

A lady goes to view her husbands body at the funeral home, upon seeing him she begins to sob.
"what's the matter ma'am"? asks the funeral director
"My husband always wanted to be buried in a blue suit" says the woman
"Oh, ma'am, I'm very sorry let me see what I can do, give me a few hours" replies the director.

A few hours pass and the director calls the woman to come in again.

she comes back and views the body, looking overwhelmed she says "WOW, just how I imagined! he looks so lovely, tell me, how did you arrange something so quickly!?"

The funeral director says "Well, we just had another person in and her husband was in a blue suit, she told us that she always wanted him to be in a BLACK suit"
The woman starts smiling and nodding as she begins to understand

So the funeral director says "Yeah after that it was

Spoiler

simply a matter of swapping the heads!"

 

[kumanoki]

I'm going to have to re-post my George Bush joke again, aren't I?

 

[Deleted member 1235]

I'm going to have to re-post my George Bush joke again, aren't I?

Is this the whole I got elected gag? Cause I've heard it. TWICE.

 

[demon]

A lady goes to view her husbands body at the funeral home, upon seeing him she begins to sob.
"what's the matter ma'am"? asks the funeral director
"My husband always wanted to be buried in a blue suit" says the woman
"Oh, ma'am, I'm very sorry let me see what I can do, give me a few hours" replies the director.

A few hours pass and the director calls the woman to come in again.

she comes back and views the body, looking overwhelmed she says "WOW, just how I imagined! he looks so lovely, tell me, how did you arrange something so quickly!?"

The funeral director says "Well, we just had another person in and her husband was in a blue suit, she told us that she always wanted him to be in a BLACK suit"
The woman starts smiling and nodding as she begins to understand

So the funeral director says "Yeah after that it was

Spoiler

simply a matter of swapping the heads!"

haha, stupendous.

 

[kumanoki]

Is this the whole I got elected gag? Cause I've heard it. TWICE.

NOPE.

The President was visiting with the Queen of England. Over tea, he asks her, "I've noticed that you run your country pretty well. What's your secret?"
The Queen says, "Oh, it's quite simple really. I surround myself with intelligent people."
"Intelligent people...", Bush murmurs. "Well, how do you know if they're intelligent or not?"
The Queen answers, "Oh, I give them a little test. If they pass, they are intelligent." The Queen motions to a guard. "Would you be so kind as to call in the Prime Minister?" Shortly, Tony Blair is standing before them. The Queen asks, "Mr. Blair, your mother has a child. It is not your brother or your sister. Who would it be?"
"Why, it would be me, of course!" The Queen nods to President Bush, and President Bush is delighted.

Back in Washington, President Bush calls Vice President Cheney into his office. VP Cheney lumbers in and says, "What is it?" President Bush asks, "Dick, your mother has a child, and it's not your brother or your sister, so who is it?" Dick thinks for a minute and replies, "I'm not exactly sure, Mr. President. Let me contact some of my people and see if we can come up with an answer." Cheney walks down the hall to Condi's office, and says, "Look Condolezza, Bush just asked me this question. What's the answer?" Condolezza replies, "Why, it'd be me, of course." Satisfied, Dick strolls back into the President's office with a big grin on his face. "I've got the answer to your question, Mr. President. The answer is Condolezza Rice."

President Bush stands up and shouts, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

 

[Blackace]

A young kid in the south was starting to learn about famous black people in school. After his lesson he came home ate dinner with his mother, father and grandma as always, then went to bed. Before going to sleep he wondered about what he learned in school that day; then he made a wish that he really learn what it is was like to be black. The next morning to his shock he looked in the mirror and saw that he had became black! He rushed downstairs to find his father. "Pa! I'm black see!! I'm a real black boy!" His father not wanting to hear any of this rubbish gave him a gool old fashion ass whooping. Wiping his tears he went to find his mother. "Ma, look! I turned into a black boy last night!" His mother also not wanting to hear that out of her son's mouth opened a can of whoop ass on him much like his father did. After getting the belt from his mother and father he started to head back to his room. Then he ran into his grandma. "Grandma, look at me! I became black last night!" He said again. And again he got his third ass whooping. After getting his ass whooping his grandma said "I hope that teaches you something about speaking nonsense in this boy! Did you learn a lesson?"

The Boy said "Yeah. I have been black for less than an hour and I already hate white people!"

 

[Blackace]

NOPE.

The President was visiting with the Queen of England. Over tea, he asks her, "I've noticed that you run your country pretty well. What's your secret?"
The Queen says, "Oh, it's quite simple really. I surround myself with intelligent people."
"Intelligent people...", Bush murmurs. "Well, how do you know if they're intelligent or not?"
The Queen answers, "Oh, I give them a little test. If they pass, they are intelligent." The Queen motions to a guard. "Would you be so kind as to call in the Prime Minister?" Shortly, Tony Blair is standing before them. The Queen asks, "Mr. Blair, your mother has a child. It is not your brother or your sister. Who would it be?"
"Why, it would be me, of course!" The Queen nods to President Bush, and President Bush is delighted.

Back in Washington, President Bush calls Vice President Cheney into his office. VP Cheney lumbers in and says, "What is it?" President Bush asks, "Dick, your mother has a child, and it's not your brother or your sister, so who is it?" Dick thinks for a minute and replies, "I'm not exactly sure, Mr. President. Let me contact some of my people and see if we can come up with an answer." Cheney walks down the hall to Condi's office, and says, "Look Condolezza, Bush just asked me this question. What's the answer?" Condolezza replies, "Why, it'd be me, of course." Satisfied, Dick strolls back into the President's office with a big grin on his face. "I've got the answer to your question, Mr. President. The answer is Condolezza Rice."

President Bush stands up and shouts, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

:lol :lol :lol :lol

 

[android]

Once upon a time a man bought a magic mirror from a travelling salesman. This mirror was said to give anyone who looked in it whatever they asked. The man took it home and put it on his wall and forgot about it. The next day his wife walked into the room and something about her had changed. Her breasts were huge.
"What happened?" asked the husband
"I was looking in that mirror, and I said I wish my breast were bigger and poof, right before my eyes they grew." said the wife.
This intriqued the husband, who started to think about what he would wish for. Riches, Good looks, fame, strength. And then he had it. He rushed to the mirror. Then looking into he proudly proclaimed "I wish my dick touched the floor."

Spoiler

So the mirror cut off his legs.

 

[Diablos]

:lol :lol :lol :lol

:lol :lol

 

[etiolate]

President Bush and his fellow friends are at a French restaraunt. Everyone is ribbing the President for dining with 'the french'. So to impress them the President motions to a waitress and says "pardonez moi". He nods to Cheney and his pals and they all grin with approval. The waitress asks what the president would like to order. Bush looks at the menu hoping for something fancy to order, but the waitress is getting impatient. She asks "Are you ready yet Mr President?" Finally Bush replies by whispering in her ear. The waitress turns red and runs off. Cheney looks over at the president and asks what he said and the president tells him "I asked for a quickie" and points to the menu. Cheney looks at the menu and says "I'm sorry sir, but thats quiche."

 

[Nester]

President Bush and his fellow friends are at a French restaraunt. Everyone is ribbing the President for dining with 'the french'. So to impress them the President motions to a waitress and says "pardonez moi". He nods to Cheney and his pals and they all grin with approval. The waitress asks what the president would like to order. Bush looks at the menu hoping for something fancy to order, but the waitress is getting impatient. She asks "Are you ready yet Mr President?" Finally Bush replies by whispering in her ear. The waitress turns red and runs off. Cheney looks over at the president and asks what he said and the president tells him "I asked for a quickie" and points to the menu. Cheney looks at the menu and says "I'm sorry sir, but thats quiche."

Funnier when the joke was about Clinton.

 

[Blackace]

Funnier when the joke was about Clinton.

yeah it was....

 

[Jill Sandwich]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

who gives a shit

 

[B-B-Bomba!]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

 

[Crag Dweller]

A man comes home to find his wife with all of her bags packed hopping into a taxi.

"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm leaving you, and it's because you're a pedophile!" she screams.
"Well," he says, "thats an awfully big word for a 9-year-old."