Shantae
Banned
I don’t know what I’m hoping to accomplish by posting another thread here. As much as I have issues with the comments that openly support Trump here, this forum is still the closest thing I have to a friend, which is pathetic, I know.
Has the world always been fucked and just getting older makes you realize it more? I’m 37 years old now, and maybe I still have a youthful ignorance about me, but I am legit getting worn out by life, when I still feel like I haven’t even started parts of it. Whether it’s politics, trying to fit in, or just try to get by in life as a straight white male, every aspect of life just feels terrible, and I’m desperately trying to find things that bring me joy, but I’m always mocked and made fun for the things I like.
I was never a very political person, I still don’t think I am, but the world (at least in the US) has made it impossible to avoid being part of a political discussion. I have certainly found where I stand on certain issues through all this, but I don’t have a side I can properly stand with, which feels very isolating. I hate Trump, but I also hate far left liberals, so I’m often in this weird place where I wish people could compromise more. I’ve been criticized for not doing what I suggest, and don’t compromise when it comes to Trump, but I legit would if someone had a good argument. Every time I get into a debate regarding him, it’s never an actual debate; it’s always me stating my issues, and the opposition being snarky. Not giving actual good reasons why he’s a good leader, but rather something along the lines of “u mad bro?” basically. I will simply say I think a President should be a good leader for ALL Americans, not just those who support him. Especially this year where we’ve been faced with so much bull shit, whether it’s protests, or covid…he has done a piss poor job of uniting the nation which is his job.
At the same time, I can’t stand with liberals either. I would openly say that the whole “black lives matter” thing is bull shit because of anything that places one race above another is not equality. The symbols of all these protests whether it’s George Floyd or the guy in Kenosha, WI, these weren’t exactly model citizens. The idiot in Kenosha may not have deserved to be shot in the back 7 times, but the police were well within their right to use force when the idiot did not comply with their orders and just kept going into his car. This is something I felt I just NEEDED to say because I’m not allowed to anywhere else. These kinds of comments would get me ostracized on the era forum or with any liberal though. People that scream racial equality, or feminism don’t want real equality, they want special privilege, and it really bothers me that this is the way things are headed.
Politics aren’t the only part of life that sucks though. My therapist used to try and encourage me to explore the aspects of my personality that made me unique. I’ve always gone against the grain a little bit, and she would encourage me to explore those things because she say that they brought out what was the best in me, at least she thought so. In retrospect, I feel like it’s had the opposite effect on my life. I’m in a situation where I have less of a social circle than I did before. I was already stuck with no friends, but at one point I thought I had a good enough relationship with my brother. Now he won’t talk to me at all, and doesn’t consider me is part of his family. I’ve tried to make new friends by doing things like meetup.com, but that just doesn’t work for me either. I’m an introvert who’s always hated socializing with large groups of people, and meetup is all about groups. Every time I’ve gone to a meeting, I’ve felt so uncomfortable and eager to leave because the group setting doesn’t work for me. I’ve always been more comfortable with 1 maybe 2 people at most.
In trying to make new friends though, I’ve kinda learned that I maybe don’t give a fuck about meeting other dudes. At my age, I just want a woman in my life, and I know that’s difficult to even accomplish without a social circle. I’m a living paradox. I think part of it is I’m very resentful at other men for how previous friendships I’ve had have always gone. In most cases, I’ve had friends who straight up just forgot about me, and became like I didn’t exist anymore because they found the woman in their lives, and got married, moved on…no time for friends anymore. In shittier situations, I’ve had friends who have gone out of their way to hurt me. Friends I’ve confided in when it came to me having feelings for a woman would pretend to be my friend, but then start dating the same woman I told them I was interested in, but was too afraid to approach. This happened more than once, and last time I remember this happened was at an old job…a guy I knew who I thought was my closest friend there, started dating someone he knew I liked, and I said to him “how could you do that to me”, and he straight up replied with “none of us care about you as much as you wish we did”. Maybe he was right, but god that felt like a punch in the gut.
I used to believe the lies that there was someone in this world for everyone when it came to finding a spouse, and my parents still try to tell me that I’ll meet someone, but I legit don’t believe it. Trying to accept that fact doesn’t make it any easier though, it just makes my life feel so pointless, and makes me wish I was dead more. What people like my parents don’t understand is that the world fucking sucks, because being a straight white male means that I’m supposed to accept that I’m evil. As if trying to meet a woman wasn’t hard enough for me when I was just a shy introvert, now I need extra layers of bull shit where I’m not even sure how to approach it anymore. Before, it was…I need to learn to be assertive, and confident. Now…I need to do that, but also not too much for fear of being accused of sexual harassment.
My real life sucks, and now I’m working a job where I don’t interact with people most of the time…I say I’m happy with it, because I can just sit there playing my Switch most of the shift, but I think I’m just avoiding getting hurt by trying to avoid social interaction with real people. I do love playing a good video game, but I keep going to video game forums, because part of me just loves having a conversation regarding stuff. I like exploring themes, or talking about narrative. I took film courses in college to do just that, I love it. But now that most of my socialization now has become internet based, and it’s no better…this forum is the majority of it right now, but whether it’s here…era, twitter...or any other forum…people can be so cruel, and I can’t handle it.
I know this just opens me up to more mockery, but I’ve needed to say something that I’ve felt for a while. I HATE being called a weeb, I hate the whole idea of being labeled as something because you are a certain way. When I did used to go to therapy, and the nice woman I saw would encourage me to follow my dreams, she basically told me the opposite of what the internet tells me every day; that if I love Japan, then I should go there, live there, and follow my dreams. For a while I was on that path, until financial burdens kind of put it on pause, but that goal of doing that gave me hope for a while. It was thanks to her guidance that I finally did take my first vacation to Japan, but every time I express my love for it, it’s met with snarky attitudes and ridicule. I don’t revolve my life around anime like most “weebs”. I like some, but that's just because I enjoy the story, or art. I legit just love the culture and environment of Japan. It is simple things like the courtesy that is present in the social interaction of Japanese culture and that’s sorely missing in American culture that I appreciate. Or the awesome infrastructure, and the fact that cars actually wait outside the cross walks, and don’t just sit on top of them. I know this next comment is going to also open me up to ridicule, but this is something I truly feel. If it’s now acceptable for people to believe they were born with the wrong gender, and can change it, why is it so pathetic to feel like I was born in the wrong culture? I feel no connection, or love at being American, in fact I despise it. Even if I want to go back on the heritage of my bloodline, I don’t like where my family is from either. I don’t believe in the religious beliefs and actually follow a more Shinto way of thinking. Continuing to learn Japanese is something I still wanna keep doing, but my mental state of how down I am just overwhelms my ability to retain it.
Anyway…that’s the gist of it. I'm sorry to make this thread and fill it with my personal bull shit, but I’m hurting right now because my mental state is just bringing me down so much. Some things I just wanted to get off my chest, but others I just needed other people to know about me. I wish I could just unplug from the internet, because then I’d avoid some of the meaner comments, or the politics, but then I’d be cutting myself off from the only form of socialization I still have.
Has the world always been fucked and just getting older makes you realize it more? I’m 37 years old now, and maybe I still have a youthful ignorance about me, but I am legit getting worn out by life, when I still feel like I haven’t even started parts of it. Whether it’s politics, trying to fit in, or just try to get by in life as a straight white male, every aspect of life just feels terrible, and I’m desperately trying to find things that bring me joy, but I’m always mocked and made fun for the things I like.
I was never a very political person, I still don’t think I am, but the world (at least in the US) has made it impossible to avoid being part of a political discussion. I have certainly found where I stand on certain issues through all this, but I don’t have a side I can properly stand with, which feels very isolating. I hate Trump, but I also hate far left liberals, so I’m often in this weird place where I wish people could compromise more. I’ve been criticized for not doing what I suggest, and don’t compromise when it comes to Trump, but I legit would if someone had a good argument. Every time I get into a debate regarding him, it’s never an actual debate; it’s always me stating my issues, and the opposition being snarky. Not giving actual good reasons why he’s a good leader, but rather something along the lines of “u mad bro?” basically. I will simply say I think a President should be a good leader for ALL Americans, not just those who support him. Especially this year where we’ve been faced with so much bull shit, whether it’s protests, or covid…he has done a piss poor job of uniting the nation which is his job.
At the same time, I can’t stand with liberals either. I would openly say that the whole “black lives matter” thing is bull shit because of anything that places one race above another is not equality. The symbols of all these protests whether it’s George Floyd or the guy in Kenosha, WI, these weren’t exactly model citizens. The idiot in Kenosha may not have deserved to be shot in the back 7 times, but the police were well within their right to use force when the idiot did not comply with their orders and just kept going into his car. This is something I felt I just NEEDED to say because I’m not allowed to anywhere else. These kinds of comments would get me ostracized on the era forum or with any liberal though. People that scream racial equality, or feminism don’t want real equality, they want special privilege, and it really bothers me that this is the way things are headed.
Politics aren’t the only part of life that sucks though. My therapist used to try and encourage me to explore the aspects of my personality that made me unique. I’ve always gone against the grain a little bit, and she would encourage me to explore those things because she say that they brought out what was the best in me, at least she thought so. In retrospect, I feel like it’s had the opposite effect on my life. I’m in a situation where I have less of a social circle than I did before. I was already stuck with no friends, but at one point I thought I had a good enough relationship with my brother. Now he won’t talk to me at all, and doesn’t consider me is part of his family. I’ve tried to make new friends by doing things like meetup.com, but that just doesn’t work for me either. I’m an introvert who’s always hated socializing with large groups of people, and meetup is all about groups. Every time I’ve gone to a meeting, I’ve felt so uncomfortable and eager to leave because the group setting doesn’t work for me. I’ve always been more comfortable with 1 maybe 2 people at most.
In trying to make new friends though, I’ve kinda learned that I maybe don’t give a fuck about meeting other dudes. At my age, I just want a woman in my life, and I know that’s difficult to even accomplish without a social circle. I’m a living paradox. I think part of it is I’m very resentful at other men for how previous friendships I’ve had have always gone. In most cases, I’ve had friends who straight up just forgot about me, and became like I didn’t exist anymore because they found the woman in their lives, and got married, moved on…no time for friends anymore. In shittier situations, I’ve had friends who have gone out of their way to hurt me. Friends I’ve confided in when it came to me having feelings for a woman would pretend to be my friend, but then start dating the same woman I told them I was interested in, but was too afraid to approach. This happened more than once, and last time I remember this happened was at an old job…a guy I knew who I thought was my closest friend there, started dating someone he knew I liked, and I said to him “how could you do that to me”, and he straight up replied with “none of us care about you as much as you wish we did”. Maybe he was right, but god that felt like a punch in the gut.
I used to believe the lies that there was someone in this world for everyone when it came to finding a spouse, and my parents still try to tell me that I’ll meet someone, but I legit don’t believe it. Trying to accept that fact doesn’t make it any easier though, it just makes my life feel so pointless, and makes me wish I was dead more. What people like my parents don’t understand is that the world fucking sucks, because being a straight white male means that I’m supposed to accept that I’m evil. As if trying to meet a woman wasn’t hard enough for me when I was just a shy introvert, now I need extra layers of bull shit where I’m not even sure how to approach it anymore. Before, it was…I need to learn to be assertive, and confident. Now…I need to do that, but also not too much for fear of being accused of sexual harassment.
My real life sucks, and now I’m working a job where I don’t interact with people most of the time…I say I’m happy with it, because I can just sit there playing my Switch most of the shift, but I think I’m just avoiding getting hurt by trying to avoid social interaction with real people. I do love playing a good video game, but I keep going to video game forums, because part of me just loves having a conversation regarding stuff. I like exploring themes, or talking about narrative. I took film courses in college to do just that, I love it. But now that most of my socialization now has become internet based, and it’s no better…this forum is the majority of it right now, but whether it’s here…era, twitter...or any other forum…people can be so cruel, and I can’t handle it.
I know this just opens me up to more mockery, but I’ve needed to say something that I’ve felt for a while. I HATE being called a weeb, I hate the whole idea of being labeled as something because you are a certain way. When I did used to go to therapy, and the nice woman I saw would encourage me to follow my dreams, she basically told me the opposite of what the internet tells me every day; that if I love Japan, then I should go there, live there, and follow my dreams. For a while I was on that path, until financial burdens kind of put it on pause, but that goal of doing that gave me hope for a while. It was thanks to her guidance that I finally did take my first vacation to Japan, but every time I express my love for it, it’s met with snarky attitudes and ridicule. I don’t revolve my life around anime like most “weebs”. I like some, but that's just because I enjoy the story, or art. I legit just love the culture and environment of Japan. It is simple things like the courtesy that is present in the social interaction of Japanese culture and that’s sorely missing in American culture that I appreciate. Or the awesome infrastructure, and the fact that cars actually wait outside the cross walks, and don’t just sit on top of them. I know this next comment is going to also open me up to ridicule, but this is something I truly feel. If it’s now acceptable for people to believe they were born with the wrong gender, and can change it, why is it so pathetic to feel like I was born in the wrong culture? I feel no connection, or love at being American, in fact I despise it. Even if I want to go back on the heritage of my bloodline, I don’t like where my family is from either. I don’t believe in the religious beliefs and actually follow a more Shinto way of thinking. Continuing to learn Japanese is something I still wanna keep doing, but my mental state of how down I am just overwhelms my ability to retain it.
Anyway…that’s the gist of it. I'm sorry to make this thread and fill it with my personal bull shit, but I’m hurting right now because my mental state is just bringing me down so much. Some things I just wanted to get off my chest, but others I just needed other people to know about me. I wish I could just unplug from the internet, because then I’d avoid some of the meaner comments, or the politics, but then I’d be cutting myself off from the only form of socialization I still have.
