Need advice - potentially gonna get pissed at a person with depression

Status
Not open for further replies.

MMarston

Was getting caught part of your plan?
So here's the set up:
About 2 years ago, I met and eventually befriended a girl at my university. She's generally a incredibly nice and energetic person and I've enjoyed her company since I've met her (that is until the problem I've realized that I will mention later). Unfortunately, she's a a sufferer of severe anxiety/depression and has attempted to commit suicide twice in the past way before I've met her.
She seems to coping with it quite well though, but you can totally tell she's struggling with it if you were in my shoes. Not a month goes by where at least one night, she'll come to me on Facebook having a breakdown and where I would spend at least 90 minutes trying motivate her and pull herself together. This isn't the problem though - I do legitimately care for and want to ensure her well-being, and am glad to help her out getting through her emotional states.

The real problem is that I've lately come to the realization she's one of the most self-centred and narcissistic people I've met. And I desperately want to call her out on it.

Here's a sample of the many things she does regularly that is already beginning to test me:
1.) Whenever I'm engaged with a very good conversation with another friend - even if a particularly important one - she will almost always abruptly butt in with an absolutely unrelated topic that usually involves herself and her interests. You could be conversing about your wedding plans to your best man, or that your suffering from severe STREP throat - she likely WILL interrupt with her interest in kittens as long as she is there. Repeat for the rest of the day.
2.) Same thing for when it comes to text or Facebook PM - my phone will frequently buzz throughout the day due to the most trivial things that happen to her such as how she doesn't like the color of this shoe she came across or whatever the hell she's eating right now even if it's just a grocery sandwhich.
3.) I frequently host movie nights for my circle of friends - movie nights that half the time she herself proposes. What does she do 90% of the time she's there? Pay no attention to the film and continously keep texting god knows who on her phone. When she does, it's usually to turn the screening into her own personal Blu-ray non-stop commentary.
4.) For a person who knows the worst thing that happen without emotional support, she seems rather uninterested in giving it. There are one or two times where me or another friend would look to her for venting or some support and it usually almost immediately ends with her just saying "Welp" or sudden derailment back to Exhibit 1 & 2.

So yeah, I'm actually very fed up with her behavior and desperately want to call her out on it already. What sucks is that again, I don't wanna end up hurting her feelings that much as they are clearly fragile due to her condition, so she could end up reacting/doing something more drastic than it should be. I think even worse is that I can see how the reasoning behind her actions can stem from the sever anxiety she has,which makes me feel like a more of a dick when I think about it. Still, I want to make her understand she has to be at least be a bit more considerate to other people.

So there, that's my vent post.

tl;dr - I'm very frustrated at this person, but she's got depression, so I feel like a dick for feeling so. Still want to solve the issue.
 
I've met lots of people with depression, lots are nice, some are assholes. The condition doesn't excuse bad behaviour whether it stems from it or not.

That said, it doesn't sound like she's that bad of a person, just has a few traits that grind your gears. I think you're either just going to have to accept those parts of her personality or sit her down and have a conversation with her and explain what it is that bothers you. It's very possible that she's simply oblivious to what she's doing.
 
Just talk to her about her behavior. Usually people who let other people's personality quirks bug them until they explode at said person end up in a much worse off spot than if they would have just confronted them about it in a cool and collected manor in private when the behavior started bugging them.

Most people don't even realize that their behavior is bugging others, so when said person explodes on them they feel hurt and betrayed by said person criticizing them rather than accepting that they might be the one's with the issue.

And trust me, eventually you'll get to the point you can't take it anymore and will either have an explosive confrontation with them or shut them out quietly, and if you honestly care about this other person confronting them about it now and having a level conversation with them is the best thing you possibly can do if you want to continue maintaining any kind of relationship with them, and if said person cares about you and by extension your friendship in any real capacity, they will take the criticism to heart.
 
You sure she isn't bipolar or something? Those don't really sound like characteristics of a person depressed to the point of suicide.
 
Like with anyone, you've gotta give her a fair chance to correct her own behavior. Be gentle, be tactful, but get your point across. Depression doesn't really have anything to do with it, but she will definitely take it that much harder because she's already depressed. Nothing you can do about that, really.

Is she seeing a shrink? Is she exercising vigorously and daily? Each case of depression is different, but this pretty much applies to each and every one. I speak from plenty of experience.
 
Tell. Her. The. Truth.

She's not a child or fragile glass. She's a person and a friend. Letting things slide is ridiculous - just bring it into the open and stop viewing her as a piece of glass. Because you're sure as shit not doing her any good by seeing her in such limited, patronising perspective.
 
You sure she isn't bipolar or something? Those don't really sound like characteristics of a person depressed to the point of suicide.

She's explicitly stated so that she is and her family and friends have backed it up.

And yes, she also used to regularly see a shrink until about 3 months ago (apparently she was deemed fit to not need it anymore, although she might have to return again according to her), and does regularly take medication.
 
She's explicitly stated so that she is and her family and friends have backed it up.

And yes, she also used to regularly see a shrink until about 3 months ago (apparently she was deemed fit to not need it anymore, although she might have to return again according to her), and does regularly take medication.

"Deemed fit not to need it anymore" seems like more like insurance company lingo than anything a doctor might say.

Try to convince her to get back into therapy as soon as possible.
 
"Deemed fit not to need it anymore" seems like more like insurance company lingo than anything a doctor might say.

Try to convince her to get back into therapy as soon as possible.

I figured as much, and been meaning to also tell her something along the same lines. It seems to she has to live up to standard now that she's been "deemed fit" and really afraid of "disappointing people" if she doesn't as she's mentioned more than once in one of her breakdowns.
 
My grandfather who had depression all his life recently passed away, and it's incredibly draining to be around for long periods of time. I wouldn't blame you for being impatient.
 
Sounds like the movie night texting and the conversation interruption thing is just something you will have to ask her to stop in the name of politeness.

As for the emotional support you cannot force genuine empathy into a person. In my opinion a person just sits somewhere on the empathetic/sociopathic spectrum and either it kicks in through some life experience or hormones or brain development or it just doesn't.

I have friends like that, you just have to accept them for how they are, relationships are more transactional to them. It does not mean that they do not care.

You can train them to recognize situations by highlighting the transaction. Explain how her need to vent/cry to you is what you need from her right now, and what you need most is just for her to listen, etc.

There is also the potential that her need to have your attention is some sort of attempt at affection and a jealous response when you are giving it to someone else.

My feeling toward you potentially breaking the relationship is that you are treading on thin ice with lava underneath considering her past.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top Bottom