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[Dalek]

‘Just Use the China’ or ‘Call 1-800-Got-Junk’: Readers on Inheriting Keepsakes

As baby boomers grow older, the volume of unwanted keepsakes and family heirlooms is poised to grow — along with the number of delicate conversations about what to do with them.

As the American population ages, and older adults downsize into retirement communities or assisted-living facilities, the question arises: What do we do with all our stuff?

For previous generations, the answer was often simple: The children would inherit it, just as their parents inherited keepsakes from their parents. But the current generation of young adults represents a “kink in the chain” of passing on heirlooms, according to Mary Kay Buysse, the head of National Association of Senior Move Managers, an organization that helps older people downsize.

For many, it’s not that they don’t want their family’s fine dining sets, it’s that they don’t want — or can’t take — much of anything at all.

And trying to figure out what to keep and what to toss could lead to some delicate conversations among family members. It is a quandary we recently wrote about in our recurring Retiring feature.

Readers responded in droves to the feature article, on The New York Times’s website and on Facebook, where we targeted questions to readers by age, hoping to hear about similar experiences they may have had. They shared hundreds of stories of sorting through family heirlooms and the sometimes awkward, sometimes liberating discussions about unwanted keepsakes. The selection of responses below was edited for length and clarity.

‘I am fairly certain that it’s all going to end up in a Dumpster somewhere, and that makes me sad.’

Some older readers were disappointed that their children did not care about their heirlooms.

“I am 55 years old. My … son is 31. I’ve had ‘the talk’ with my son and he’s making it both easier for me and more difficult. He wants nothing. I am fairly certain that it’s all going to end up in a Dumpster somewhere, and that makes me sad. Yet, I also don’t want to burden him with a bunch of unwanted (from his perspective) junk. This is an emotionally fraught issue and I don’t there are no easy answers.”

— Trixie Spishak in Mountain Home, Arkansas

“My generation used to scrimp and resourcefully use everything. My 20-something children prefer to have kits from Ikea rather than castoffs I put aside.”

— Nancy Garcia in California

Many younger readers countered that they live in smaller spaces far longer than their parents did, and they simply lack space.

“We all live in studio or one bedroom apartments well into our 30s. Now we’re supposed to buy houses we can’t afford just to store your stuff?”

— Jessica Hobbs, via Facebook

“Gen X-ers and older millennials are also contending with as many as four households of parental belongings, if a young couple are both children of divorce. It ... makes us want to curl into a ball and plead ‘no room for any of it, at all.’

— Sarah in New Hampshire

‘I think it’s a process that needs to start well before parents retire or are beginning to ail.’

If both sides can feel slighted, where to begin? Readers of all ages chimed in with thoughts on having “the conversation” about what to pass down and what to throw out.

“I’m only 27 and I have this conversation almost every time I go to their house. I think it’s a process that needs to start well before parents retire or are beginning to ail. My parents know their stuff isn’t special, they’ve just accumulated it and feel like parting with it is a waste of the money they spent on it.”

— Vanessa Ceballos, via Facebook

“A friend of mine took three years and five estate sales to get rid of all of the stuff his parents left behind. My daughter asked me to please not do that to her. Together we downsized my home and went through all of the stuff I got from my mom, and now she has the stuff that is meaningful to HER. Don’t place this unwanted burden on your kids just because you can’t break with traditions.”

— Tizoc Acar, via Facebook

 

[Pastry]

There are some things I'd like from my parents but most of it I think we're all in agreement, even my parents, will go to an estate sale. But there some nice paintings, pieces in my mother's jewelry and a couple of small family heirlooms that I do want to keep.

 

[The_Inquisitor]

“My generation used to scrimp and resourcefully use everything. My 20-something children prefer to have kits from Ikea rather than castoffs I put aside.”

— Nancy Garcia in California

This line is such bullshit. I got my IKEA stuff because it's all i could afford and it looked nice. Except my coffee table everything has held up well.

 

[besada]

We went through this after my dad died and my mom decided to downsize. She invited us to take whatever we wanted, and gave away everything else. I took a set of books and a couple of personal items. The vast majority of the stuff went to goodwill with the remains going in a dumpster.

Most of it is just stuff no one wants that everyone accumulates. Worry about personal items, not shit like china and cabinets and furniture, unless your kids say they want them.

 

[carlsojo]

Yeah my parents and my in-laws keep trying to pawn random junk off to us and think we should be grateful. Where am I going to put another coffee table? You've seen our place! We need less stuff!

 

[Man God]

Both of my parents love junk while me and my siblings are minimalists, especially me. My dad loves old machines of any sort, the type who has to be warned about keeping too many old cars (though he doesn't have any neighbors so its mainly the house insurance company that tries to get him) and my mom loves antiques but also old ass books/records. There's just too damn much of it. I'll probably end up inheriting their house when all is said and done and I fear the day when either one passes with this in mind.

 

[catpurrcat]

I don't know why it's so hard to say "no I don't want your stuff as my place is too small".

And if they start randomly dropping off stuff, take it straight to the donation center. The first business day after every x-mas I take a quick trip to the food bank and salvation army to drop off unwanted food and impulse buy gifts received (how many water bottles does someone need?).

 

[FUME5]

You just know that someone named Trixie Spishak has a LOT of 'sentimental' shit hanging around.

 

[faridmon]

My parents don't own a lot of valuables in the first place (I think its about medium sized box) so I am good in that regard

 

[Autumn Wind]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLoge6QzcGY <--- I had to post this.

As for 1-800-Got-Junk, is it any good?

 

[Chinbo37]

I hope my kids are into comic books.

 

[jabuseika]

I feel like I don't need anything but the bare necessary, I don't need or want junk laying around.

More and more people I know feel the same way.

I guess when everything is so easy to find and buy/get with the internet, there's no impulse to collect.

Aside from sentimental things of course.

 

[El Odio]

Heh, I was having a conversation about this with my girlfriend before we moved awhile back. She has a giant cabinet of china she inherited from her great grandma that she feels she can't give away but the damn thing takes up a ton of space, weighs a lot, and the entire set sitting has never been used in years. I'd love to just toss/sell/donate it but "tradition."

 

[clay_ghost]

I hope my kids are into comic books.

Should be fine,they don't take up too much space and they can easily sell all your collection for like 10 bucks.

 

[nabe_shogun]

I've cut down on a lot of the stuff I buy. While I still buy stuff, its all pretty much the same kind of stuff. Like video games or cars. Which are things I could easily get rid of.

My dad is worse though. I often talk him out of buying a new thing, because he probably already owns something that does the same job.

 

[Funky Papa]

In my experience, most family heirlooms are just thoroughly dated, kitsch garbage with little current day appeal, let alone usability.

When my girlfriend bought her grandmother's flat from her family we just took everything we could use (mostly books and some kitchen tools like a life-saving hatchet and large glass bowls), savaged whatever the future renters could appreciate and trashed/sold the rest. Why would I need a two hundred piece fridge magnet collection? What use do I have for her awful beach trip keepsakes? And don't get me started about that late 70's/early 80's glassware. At least we were able to renovate some of her dated furniture like a marble topped commode (kind of like this one) into something prettier with some paint and varnish. But what do I need another set of cutlery for?

The day my grandfather dies I'm going to find myself into a bigger bind, since he actually owns some interesting stuff that I just can't take home, such as a stunning leather throne (and I mean throne, like, middle ages one) he took home from his barber days, some equally old rustic furniture (and I mean rustic, not some HGTV garbage) and a few mementos from the civil war. But what can you do? My apartment is not a museum nor I have the space to keep one.

My parents are not into minimalism, but at least they don't hoard stuff and all the extra furniture/cutlery they've accrued over the years was used to renovate the houses left by their families in their hometowns, which are now used as summer retreats. Which poses another issue, since I'm probably set to inherit little cash and a fuckton of assets topped with an absurd, nearly unpayable amount of taxes. But that's a different late x-gen/millenial issue altogether.

Edit: your recently inherited shiny cherry wood furniture is probably some particle board trash that will crumble down the second you want to disassemble it. Don't bother with it.

 

[Triteon]

Its not just an issue of space its an issue that the boomers and to a certain degree the greatest generation had lower/middle class purchasing power unheard of before and possibly since.

They also lived though the commodification of society. Which I guess is a nice way of saying they have a lot more shit, a lot of it being "nice" than previous generations. it used to be jewelry, and silverware, now its mid century furniture, records, guitars, art, etc etc.

 

[Funky Papa]

Its not just an issue of space its an issue that the boomers and to a certain degree the greatest generation had lower/middle class purchasing power unheard of before and possibly since.

They also lived though the commodification of society. Which I guess is a nice way of saying they have a lot more shit, a lot of it being "nice" than previous generations. it used to be jewelry, and silverware, now its mid century furniture, records, guitars, art, etc etc.

The same old boomer lady who complains about her grandkids buying another videoconsole probably has an entire set of Santa themed dishware for Christmas gatherings.

 

[Not]

You can't take it with you, and your kids can't take it with them, either.

 

[Dalek]

In my experience, most family heirlooms are just thoroughly dated, kitsch garbage with little current day appeal, let alone usability.

When my girlfriend bought her grandmother's flat from her family we just took everything we could use (mostly books and some kitchen tools like a life-saving hatchet and large glass bowls), savaged whatever the future renters could appreciate and trashed/sold the rest. Why would I need a two hundred piece fridge magnet collection? What use do I have for her awful beach trip keepsakes? And don't get me started about that late 70's/early 80's glassware. At least we were able to renovate some of her dated furniture like a marble topped commode (kind of like this one) into something prettier with some paint and varnish. But what do I need another set of cutlery for?

The day my grandfather dies I'm going to find myself into a bigger bind, since he actually owns some interesting stuff that I just can't take home, such as a stunning leather throne (and I mean throne, like, middle ages one) he took home from his barber days, some equally old rustic furniture (and I mean rustic, not some HGTV garbage) and a few mementos from the civil war. But what can you do? My apartment is not a museum nor I have the space to keep one.

My parents are not into minimalism, but at least they don't hoard stuff and all the extra furniture/cutlery they've accrued over the years was used to renovate the houses left by their families in their hometowns, which are now used as summer retreats. Which poses another issue, since I'm probably set to inherit little cash and a fuckton of assets topped with an absurd, nearly unpayable amount of taxes. But that's a different late x-gen/millenial issue altogether.

Edit: your recently inherited shiny cherry wood furniture is probably some particle board trash that will crumble down the second you want to disassemble it. Don't bother with it.

I dread the day my mother goes. She has an old Victorian home that is a money pit and it's packed wall to wall with just junk and stuff. A waste of money inside and out. It will be a nightmare to resolve.

 

[UrokeJoe]

Just leave me the Gran Torino.

 

[Subpar Spatula]

When my mom dies I'm gonna put up a Garage Sale for everything in the house. People can walk in, give me an offer, and leave with it.

 

[TheBryanJZX90]

Man I just went through this without even realizing it. My parents downsized and ended up giving away all my Playstation games that I apparently had stashed at their house without realizing it. My mom says "Don't worry I saved all of your clothes that you left here from college" as if that would be something I'd want...

I can't be too mad because I didn't even know that the games were there, and apparently I've been taking advantage of their extra space for a decade without realizing it. But I'm not even sure what I've lost.

 

[Decider]

I was in this situation when my dad died. He left behind two jukeboxes, numerous wallboxes, mechanical parts, a huge collection of "dinked" 7" vinyl and a fairly extensive collection of Titanic books and memorabilia. He wasn't a sentimental man but even after being ruthless with his stuff, I'm still finding trinkets years later.

If I ever get a terminal illness I'm going to start cleaning house. The last thing my wife will need is a room full of books and games that she has to struggle through eBay with after I'm gone.

 

[Rorsach]

I'm dreading the day my father passes (he's 82, so...). He has collected graphic novels (the european kind, like Bob and Bobette, Tintin and Buck Danny) for about 60 years. He has an entire room dedicated to them and the collection is worth a small fortune and they're earmarked for me.

Problem is, i'm not interested in having them. I don't have the room for them in my house (already filled to the gills with three kids) but i'm finding it extremely hard to tell that to my dad.

If I ever get a terminal illness I'm going to start cleaning house. The last thing my wife will need is a room full of books and games that she has to struggle through eBay with after I'm gone.

I already did that with my Star Wars collection of 35 years and my collection of tennis racquets. Didn't want to stick my wife and kids with them if my glioma starts acting up again.

 

[Chinbo37]

I'm dreading the day my father passes (he's 82, so...). He has collected graphic novels (the european kind, like Bob and Bobette, Tintin and Buck Danny) for about 60 years. He has an entire room dedicated to them and the collection is worth a small fortune and they're earmarked for me.

Problem is, i'm not interested in having them. I don't have the room for them in my house (already filled to the gills with three kids) but i'm finding it extremely hard to tell that to my dad.



I already did that with my Star Wars collection of 35 years and my collection of tennis racquets. Didn't want to stick my wife and kids with them if my glioma starts acting up again.

Unfortunately I wouldnt tell him that. Be appreciative of the books, maybe keep a couple for your kids to show them things your dad liked, and sell the rest. In the end you are taking a benefit from it (although a monetary benefit) and its better than just tossing it.

 

[AristoCat]

Unfortunately I wouldnt tell him that. Be appreciative of the books, maybe keep a couple for your kids to show them things your dad liked, and sell the rest. In the end you are taking a benefit from it (although a monetary benefit) and its better than just tossing it.

Agreed, some Old graphic novels or bandes-dessinées are worth good money.

 

[Conciliator]

You can't take it with you, and your kids can't take it with them, either.

But maybe their kids can have my collection of Real Anime Swords set in amber and launched into space. So that they may travel the universe freely, forever...

 

[Vicetrailia]

Must be nice.

 

[Azure Dream]

You can't even eBay much of it anymore. Because so many others are doing it now, especially when their older family passes, the market for things like glassware is flooded. Pieces that were worth hundreds 10-15 years ago are now a hard sell at a fraction of that. There's not enough of a market left, and supply heavily outweighs demand.

 

[Linkura]

When my parents die, I'm going to probably have to take weeks off from my job just to sort through all the shit in their house. Basically hoarders. Most of it will be donated, but I can't just bulk donate it because I know some of my old videogames are in there.

Man I just went through this without even realizing it. My parents downsized and ended up giving away all my Playstation games that I apparently had stashed at their house without realizing it. My mom says "Don't worry I saved all of your clothes that you left here from college" as if that would be something I'd want...

I can't be too mad because I didn't even know that the games were there, and apparently I've been taking advantage of their extra space for a decade without realizing it. But I'm not even sure what I've lost.

Yeah, this is why every time I visit my parents, I go through their shit searching for games. Because it's so disorganized, there's still some games I want to keep missing in the piles and piles of worthless shit. Their basement is literally filled with those plastic storage containers, mostly filled with worthless shit.

 

[shintoki]

Mother still buys shit to give to me. I'm not interested in hold onto your junk.

It can go here.

 

[Vanillalite]

My mom is moving at the end of this week. She didn't want to deal with her current house. She's older as is my step dad. All of us kids are out on our own.

So what does my mom go and do? Buys an even bigger house. My friends all laughed. They were like I thought the whole reason your mom was moving was to downsize?

Even still she had 4 garage/yard sales before she packed up all of her shit to move.

It's amazing how much shit she's gotten rid of, and yet she still has a metric fuck ton of shit to move.

 

[Teh Lurv]

"millennials are killing keep-sakes!"

 

[entremet]

Older Millennial here. I prefer experiences these days more than things. Boomers had cheap homes and good wages. Of course they’re gonna hoard stuff.

 

[ahoyhoy]

This line is such bullshit. I got my IKEA stuff because it's all i could afford and it looked nice. Except my coffee table everything has held up well.

Indeed. Boomers acting like we love Ikea designs are the same as those acting like we're choosing to be underpaid.

 

[mcfrank]

Ugh this is really relevant to me. My mom is a bit of a hoarder to the point where you had to turn sideways to walk down hallways because of boxes of shit. I finally convinced her to let me trash some of it and a dumpster rental and 7 suburbans full of good will deliveries I got her house into a livable state. Now it is just filling up again

 

[Glix]

My parents are selling the home I grew up in. They have to be out by end of Oct.

My mother and I are both the type that get very attached to things, even stupid things. Its an extremely difficult process.

I'm so stressed about what to do with all my old consoles and games. May head over to B/S/T, but I'm sick at even the thought. :-(

 

[IronRinn]

We went through this after my dad died and my mom decided to downsize. She invited us to take whatever we wanted, and gave away everything else. I took a set of books and a couple of personal items. The vast majority of the stuff went to goodwill with the remains going in a dumpster.

Most of it is just stuff no one wants that everyone accumulates. Worry about personal items, not shit like china and cabinets and furniture, unless your kids say they want them.

We went through this with my grandmother recently and my mother has been pretty much doing the same thing. You don't realize how much stuff there is and the amount of work required to get rid of it until it comes times to do an estate/garage sale.

 

[Mikey Jr.]

My parents collect these Polish magazines called Angora. It's about something. They reach about 6 feet high if stacked.

I told them straight up, I don't want them and the day they are mine, is the day they are going straight to the dump.

Thank God I don't have OCD.

If I don't want it, I give it away. Just gave away a ton of PS2 and PS3 games. If they are common games, or something that will be relatively easy to reacquire, then its gone from my life.

My mom and bro are completely different. They hoard all the junk they can.

 

[The Broken Ska Record]

I feel like this is a conversation that our children will be having with us when we are of age.

"My son, he's 33, and he doesn't want to keep any of my comics or Funko Pops. I spent several hours in line at Target just to get this chase version. All kids now adays care about are their inflatable cars and their bionic implants."

 

[SliceSabre]

Have gone through this with my mom and GOD DAMN do I feel like the most massive asshole when I tell my mother I have no use for my late grandmother's alarm clock she had for 20 years or the family cookbook with recipes in it(that I will never use).

 

[AlanzTalon]

My in-laws have piles and piles of stuff, everywhere you can store something (basement, garage, attic, closets) is full of stuff. Boxes and boxes of paperwork.

I have had a specific discussion with my wife about how to gently tell them that they can't take it with them, and that we don't want it. They are borderline hoarders (esp her dad) and I am pretty minimalist, i get rid of a lot of stuff and try hard to avoid clutter and storage.

 

[PumpkinSpice]

I feel like this is a conversation that our children will be having with us when we are of age.

"My son, he's 33, and he doesn't want to keep any of my comics or Funko Pops. I spent several hours in line at Target just to get this chase version. All kids now adays care about are their inflatable cars and their bionic implants."

I'd hope my son would be smart enough to try and sell my old games, or at least find a collector to give them to.

What does anyone do with a set of ugly dishes that nobody ever uses?

 

[Fox Mulder]

.

 

[Rival]

My Mom just doesn't understand why I wouldn't want all of the crap in her house. We just went through this and threw away a dumpster full of stuff. She doesn't understand that I live in a condo that I don't want cluttered. She took almost everything from my grandparents house when they passed a few years back and the clutter makes me physically ill.

 

[Lois_Lane]

Have gone through this with my mom and GOD DAMN do I feel like the most massive asshole when I tell my mother I have no use for my late grandmother's alarm clock she had for 20 years or the family cookbook with recipes in it(that I will never use).

Hold up. Are w talking about generations old recipes here or some mass produced trash from the '50s.

 

[The Broken Ska Record]

I'd hope my son would be smart enough to try and sell my old games, or at least find a collector to give them to.

What does anyone do with a set of ugly dishes that nobody ever uses?

Those dishes could probably sold to a collector as well. Things will change in the future, and our keepsakes are going to be worth nothing to the younger generation too.

 

[BigWeather]

My youngest graduates from high school this next year. As I'm dealing with this with my mother-in-law and will soon with my parents I've consciously decided to unload as much as possible now to spare my kids. We've decided to move to a less than 2,000sqft house in five years (down from nearly 4,000sqft) so lots has to go.
Since March been selling stuff through an eBay seller. Sure, he takes about 33% but I'm happy. The market for my crud (minis, RPGs) is getting older so the time to bail was now.

 

[DonShula]

I am fairly certain that it’s all going to end up in a Dumpster somewhere, and that makes me sad.’

I initially read this as "I am fairly certain that I'm going to end up in a Dumpster somewhere."