Disney on Fear
I recently got back from a family vacation at Disney World. Family vacations are great. I got to spend quality time with two teenage children, who love and respect me. (I rented them. My own kids wouldn't be caught dead anywhere near me. At the Animal Kingdom I overheard them plotting to push me out of the half-track in the hopes I would be trampled by a gnu.)
Obviously, I have decided to write about my vacation at Disney World -- at great personal risk, since the radio show I do on ESPN is part of the Disney empire. So in a way I am biting the hand that feeds me.
And in the case of the "character breakfasts" at Disney World -- where people dressed up as lovable Disney characters, like Chip and Dale, come up to your table and paw you incessantly while you eat -- I considered literally doing that.
In fact, at one breakfast when Goofy began sucking on my head as I was eating my scrambled eggs, I flirted with the idea of whipping out a Zippo and setting him on fire.
How many years on a psychiatrist's couch do you think the average 5-year-old would have needed after seeing a Goofy flambe?
(Hey, I'm joking. I wouldn't actually set Goofy on fire. The Little Mermaid, maybe.)
I've got nothing against Disney characters, but what explains their powerful attraction for me? Do I look like such a dork that I'd want to have a photo taken with a grown adult wearing a Styrofoam chipmunk head? Plus, the breakfast is crawling with kids, whose idea of a buffet is to grab anything with sugar and glaze on top -- and drown it in syrup. These kids are stickier than Monica Lewinsky's closet. And then they run to Chip and Dale, and rub their gooey hands and faces on them. And I'm supposed to snuggle up to these oozing fur balls? I'd rather be locked in a room with Roberto Benigni.
After breakfast we headed for the theme parks and the rides. At the entrance to each ride there's a sign that tells you how long a wait you have before you ride. You get on a line and walk through a complex, serpentine system of ropes until you either: 1) reach the ride, or 2) your bladder is the size of the Hindenberg.
I probably picked a bad week to go to Disney World, it being Spring Break. I don't want to say the place was crowded, but as we walked out the door of the hotel I saw this sign: "From this point you are 8 hours from any ride. In this heat and humidity by the time you get there you'll be sprouting moss like a Chia Pet."
I should confess that I am not an "action ride" guy.
"Tower of Terror," for example, isn't for me. You're sitting in a bucket, it's pitch-black dark, and suddenly you drop 13 stories in less time than it takes to say Slovakian Milosavitch, er, Slobodan Rostopovich, er, Jackie Chan. I would rather be trampled by gnus.
I don't like anything that moves fast or goes upside down or scares me in any way. And I'm easily scared -- seeing Madeleine Albright early Sunday mornings on "Meet the Press" terrifies me.
I like gentle rides. I want to go to an "assisted living" amusement park.
I love the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride because it moves slowly and it's underground, so it's cool. There is nothing even vaguely exciting about this ride, which may account for why there was no waiting line. I rode in a boat with three women just slightly older than the Inca mummies.
Somehow, I let my daughter prevail upon me to join her on the Extra-Terrestrial ride, in which you are strapped into a chair in pitch-black darkness, and cautioned that something has gone terribly wrong in a scientific experiment, and a carnivore that has been transported through time and space is about to rip out your pancreas. At this point your seat drops with a thud, everyone around you shrieks -- like they've just seen Linda Tripp nude -- and something wet and cold (that you hope is water) sprays the back of your neck.
I don't remember much after that because I passed out. But I must have done okay, because my daughter said that now we had to go to the Star Wars ride. So we walked over, and by then I was feeling pretty good about myself, so I didn't pay as much attention to the warning sign in front of the Star Wars ride as I should have.
The sign advised that because the ride had "dramatic visual effects simulating changes in altitudes," and had "sudden movements" and made "rocking motions," that certain persons should not ride. As I recall, these included "pregnant women," "people who suffer motion sickness," "people with heart problems," "people, people who need people" and "Pat Buchanan supporters." Inexplicably, I missed the line that said "50-year-old bald, white men who are afraid of airplanes and scared of the dark should not ride. This means you, Tony Kornheiser."
So I followed my daughter on. I strapped in. The room went pitch-black. (What is with this pitch-black darkness on every ride? Who designs these things, an opossum?)
And then, suddenly, a field of stars came up on a cyber-screen, the seat felt like it was whooshing forward -- and we hurtled into deep space, bucking around like that cow in "Twister."
I was terrified. I tried to sing a familiar tune to calm myself down. Sadly, all I could think of was: "Tell Laura I Love Her." Every pore opened, and leaked enough water to float the Sixth Fleet. By the time the ride ended I was sitting in a pool of sweat. I looked like I had come from the log flume ride. People stared at me, wondering how come I was so wet, and they weren't. They felt cheated.
My daughter did what teenage girls do when their fathers embarrass them -- she pointed at me and laughed.
I stood up, soaked, thinking: Where the heck are Chip and Dale when you need them?
