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[Dilbert]

As many of you know, my girlfriend recently moved across the country for a job opportunity. Although things have been going well at work, I've noticed that she seems...well, lonely. Despite the fact that I'm constantly entertaining </SARCASM>, I know that she misses her friends, and would love to have a social circle which doesn't necessarily involve me.

Of course, this is only a special case of the classic problem that I've thought about a lot: How do you make friends once you're out of college? Looking back over my post-college life, the friends I've made have fallen into three categories:

1) Co-workers. I'm lucky (?) enough to work at a relatively large company, so there are some people close to my age (30) who live in the local area. Some of them have become good friends over the five years I've been here...although the conversation usually ends up being at least partially about work when we're away from the office, which sucks. I don't think this is a possibility for the GF since she is one of the youngest people at her job -- she hired in to a lower-tier executive position and so far does not have much in common with the people on her team. Also, she faces a bit of a commute to work, and many people do not live in the local area.

2) Communities of practice. (Also known as "hobbies.") I've met some people through common interests since leaving college. Although I've missed most of the parties due to schedule conflicts, the Saturday morning basketball gang has invited me out a few times. (However, I originally met them through a co-worker, so technically they should fall under #1.) I've met some really cool people through poetry as well, although some of the people I've met at readings are complete loonies that I'd prefer never to see again. The GF doesn't really have any hobbies that I know about other than cooking and going to the gym, so I'm not sure what possibilities might exist for her in this category.

3) Ex-girlfriends. I've actually stayed in touch with one or two ex-girlfriends who were more or less "friends with benefits" in the first place. I've been trying to talk the current GF into getting a GF of her own, but no luck so far.*

I definitely understand what she's going through, since there really isn't a good way for guys to meet other guys as friends after college. She has mentioned a couple of ideas, like taking classes, volunteering, or "meeting people at the gym," but none of them sound all that good to me. Quite frankly, the idea of "adult school" classes for her is pretty damn funny, since I've read the course catalogs -- what exactly would be interesting for someone with a J.D.? Volunteering sounds somewhat promising, I guess, but the gym idea doesn't make sense. You would NEVER turn to some guy at the gym, start up a random conversation about your favorite football team, and invite him over to watch the game on Sunday. "I do believe you'd get your ass kicked for saying something like that." </"OFFICE SPACE"> I can't imagine that it's much different for women, either.

So -- aside from setting her up on dates with other men who actually have jokes she hasn't heard before -- what suggestions might you give her?

* Just kidding.

 

[Doth Togo]

- Church
- Friends of Friends
- www.friendster.com
- www.match.com
- Volunteer with a group
- Go to bars/restaurants and be friendly

 

[tedtropy]

My games are all the friends I need. Often I line my many game boxes up on a table opposite of me and serve them tea. Don't judge me...you don't know the tortured realm that is my mind!

 

[xsarien]

I'm just a mere 200 miles from my school, and even after years out of that place, it still feels a bit lonely outside of the local friends that I kept in touch with after high school. But I also keep in touch with my college friends through AIM and e-mail pretty regularly. It's tough, there's just a normal adjustment period that she'll need to go through, how long it takes depends on the person.

God knows I've kinda sorta entertained the possibility of just moving back up to Albany, as much as it makes my stomach turn (Sorry, Darien. ). I just can't bring myself to contact the person up there who can probably find me something quickly.

 

[DaCocoBrova]

Most friends I meet I do so through work, due to the type of job I have. Conferences, meetings etc.

Those that I am close to, I've known for a very long time.

 

[norinrad21]

Usually if you have a girl/wife she becomes your best friend.

Others you meet are just people you get to know and those are mostly co-workers, the gym, Church, neigbors etc

 

[Error Macro]

I now have basically just one friend. My best friend of 13 years, but I hardly even hang out with him these days. Friends are overrated. I'm totally anti-social; I never go out. I have my hobbies to keep me busy: console/pc games, computer hardware, movies/home theater, music, stereo equipment, guitars, reading, working on my cars and truck, etc. Between all of that and my job, I really don't have the time or money for anything else.

 

[RiZ III]

Im not out of college yet, but id think you would keep ur college and other friends. Meet people through them. Then theres your coworkers. Friends with them and make friends through them.

 

[tedtropy]

I now have basically just one friend. My best friend of 13 years, but I hardly even hang out with him these days. Friends are overrated. I'm totally anti-social; I never go out. I have my hobbies to keep me busy: console/pc games, computer hardware, movies/home theater, music, stereo equipment, guitars, reading, working on my cars and truck, etc. Between all of that and my job, I really don't have the time or money for anything else.

I can appreciate your situation. There's so much to do in your own life that it's sometimes less than idea to involve alot of other people. Conviently enough, all my other friends seem to be introverted people with their own things going...we get along well.

 

[Error Macro]

Heh, I wasn't quite as bad as this before. During middle school and high school, I had a circle of friends that was about 7 or 8 people, and we hung out constantly. It was a great thing. But then they turned to drugs and I didn't follow. So there went those friendships. My best friend was the only other member of that group that didn't go down that path either.

Then after high school, during college, I had a formed a new circle of friends. After a couple of years, that turned to shit as well. Apparently it's very difficult when you start dating one of the girls that's in that group of friends. I'll never do that again. I learned my lesson. A long time friend was a part of that group, and I kinda felt bad when I broke off contact with him, but I just can't be around anyone that's associated with that girl and her friends. Oh well.

So now, I just have my one best friend. It's cool though. I sort of think of him as my brother, and my family does as well. But due to his college schedule and stuff, I rarely see him. I live with my two parents, who are getting up in years, so I feel fortunate to be able to spend as much time with them as I can, and I help out around the house and stuff.

Eh, I'm not complaining about life too much, but I do feel lonely sometimes. Thankfully, my personality is such that I'm perfectly content with being by myself most of the time.

 

[tedtropy]

Heh, I wasn't quite as bad as this before. During middle school and high school, I had a circle of friends that was about 7 or 8 people, and we hung out constantly. It was a great thing. But then they turned to drugs and I didn't follow. So there went those friendships. My best friend was the only other member of that group that didn't go down that path either.

Then after high school, during college, I had a formed a new circle of friends. After a couple of years, that turned to shit as well. Apparently it's very difficult when you start dating one of the girls that's in that group of friends. I'll never do that again. I learned my lesson. A long time friend was a part of that group, and I kinda felt bad when I broke off contact with him, but I just can't be around anyone that's associated with that girl and her friends. Oh well.

So now, I just have my one best friend. It's cool though. I sort of think of him as my brother, and my family does as well. But due to his college schedule and stuff, I rarely see him. I live with my two parents, who are getting up in years, so I feel fortunate to be able to spend as much time with them as I can, and I help out around the house and stuff.

Eh, I'm not complaining about life too much, but I do feel lonely sometimes. Thankfully, my personality is such that I'm perfectly content with being by myself most of the time.

Yeah, I'm not a person that really requires the presence of others to feel content. There are alot of times where I prefer and am happier alone. And if you think breaking up with someone in a group of friends makes things weird, try breaking up with somebody where you work...boy does that make things nice and awkward. Such an event motivated me to get the hell out of where I was working and move onto something else...which thankfully worked out for the best. I've now got a better paying job that affords me more respect, responsibility and pay. I'm a firm believer that there are times in life where you NEED to be alone to really figure yourself out...

 

[DaCocoBrova]

Yeah, I'm not a person that really requires the presence of others to feel content. There are alot of times where I prefer and am happier alone

Well, this is a videogame forum... I'm sure many, if not most here feel that way. I can appreciate good company as well as being by myself, since that's always a choice.

 

[nitewulf]

good question.
while growing up i had a very close knit circle of 7/8 friends. but as we went onto college and stuff, i sorta grew apart from them. my passion for knowledge and the rigours of an engineering curicullum didnt really match their bohemian/carefree livestyles. so as we grew apart, our differences became more and more apparent...i was into foreign flicks, indie music, arts and literature while all they wanted to do was sit around and play cards, go clubbing or watch baseballs games on TV.
so they just sorta started ignoring me more and more to the point that we werent friends anymore.
anyway, the few friends that i did make in college never grew that close. we still hang out from time to time, but they never became as close as my previous friends. i think you make your best friends before you reach 20, after that its all casual.
and after college its even more difficult, i have some online friends that have a lot in common with me, some have become real life friends. but im a very anti-social dude so its hard for me to make new friends quickly. i mean, im very friendly as in if you didnt have a place to stay, i'd put you up for the night etc...but i dont expect the same kinda treatment in return. and when ppl get too close, i get sorta weirded out. because i havent been used to that for a long time now.
anyway, to answer the question, i think collegues and going to art shows/poetry readings might be a good way. i always see lots of hot chics hanging around in barnes and noble as well (which may or may not be applicable to the original situation ).

 

[Dice]

Friends of friends has eventually led me to be friends with almost everyone in town ...ok maybe not but a LOT of people. The other day I was at the mall with one of my friends and this guy yells my name and waved, I didn't recognize who he was but I was like "hey, man!" since we were both going different directions. He was with a couple friends too so I guess I know him decently from somewhere. I've also made lots of friends at church, which is only natural since we all consider each other as our eternal family.

I'd say in college be friendly with the people in your classes. And if you live in a dorm check with your roommate (if you have one) if it's cool then leave your door open sometimes. Generally you'll make friends with people in surrounding dorms pretty fast like that, though I guess YMMV when it comes to quality of friends you make from that.

 

[MrAngryFace]

I just sort of make them, I dont make gobs of them cause I obviously dont try, but the ones I do make are generally very good friends.

I have moved around so much tho ive become sorta tired of the process, learning to detach is sadly very old hat.

 

[mashoutposse]

Start local. Make a friend in your building/neighborhood and your circle will grow from there.

 

[Crispy]

Lately I've been feeling a bit lonely, it's like I'm losing all of my friends.

My best friend moved away to the other side of the country, so I rarely see him anymore and we are definitely growing apart if I do see him. It's not like it used to be when we see each other, probably because his girlfriend is always with him, she grew so independant of him...

Two of my second best friends both have girlfriends, so I rarely see them anymore. Another friend is moving away, yet another friend hangs out in a nearby city a lot with people I don't like, so I don't see him very often anymore. Basically I only have one really good friend left, but she is always very busy with school, work and her other friends.

Sucky thing is, I make friends at school, but everyone from my class lives in a totally different area, so we can't just hang out or something. I haven't been able to make new friends where I live, It takes time for me to open up to people, so I don't make friends very quickly. Most of the times people just find me boring and don't bother getting to know me, while I'm far from boring when I'm comfortable being around someone.

I find it pretty hard to entertain myself, I do alot of reading and gaming, but still...it's just not the same as it used to be.

 

[MrAngryFace]

Its hard to fool yourself when you know youre trying to fool yourself. I cant seem to forget emotional problems with reading or hobbies, I just lose myself in the misery and fire up the sad bastard music.

 

[atomsk]

i left all my friends when i left new jersey

and outside of my girlfriend and her sister, i dont have any here.

it really doesnt bother me much though

 

[White Man]

I meet a lot of people going to shows and clubs. I'm a pretty withdrawn guy in that I only speak when I feel I have something worth saying, but I really don't have any trouble meeting friends. I'm good at meeting people at shows because music is one of the subjects I could really speak clearly on, and also because I like an awful lot of stuff. I met probably my best friends here because he complimented a Black Dice shirt I was wearing. Avant garde noise lovers unite!

 

[BlackMage]

the only true friends that i have are the ones i went to highschool with. I am pretty content with that.

 

[Crispy]

I meet a lot of people going to shows and clubs. I'm a pretty withdrawn guy in that I only speak when I feel I have something worth saying, but I really don't have any trouble meeting friends.

A lot of my friends also meet people on festivals and concerts, not me though. I've been to a three day festival and due to circumstances I had to entertain myself alone for the last two days. I'm sure my friends would have got to know some new people there, but I just couldn't manage it. Even when I did say something to someone, they'd just look weird at me and continue their conversation. It was like I had a sign on my head reading: don't talk to me, I'm no fun! I just don't get it...

Oh and mAF, I have that too...when I'm doing stuff to take my mind off my problems, I keep getting distracted by my thoughts, resulting in missing a good portion of a movie I'm watching or losing the game or whatever.

 

[Limedust]

When I graduated college, I moved out of state for the job I got. Didn't know a soul when I arrived.

My closest of friends are mostly out of state (back from college), and a couple back from my hometown before I left for college. I can pretty much speak to just about anybody, but the couple of close friends I've acquired since I moved here have been from just going out and doing things which interest me. There are a couple of heavy rock/metal bars I frequent every so often, and that's where I met several of the people I hang out with in my off time. Then there are a couple of people from work. I'm generally a content person even when I'm by myself, and just being in a genial mood tends to make it a lot easier in meeting others.

It sounds kind of stupid when I write it out, but the best way I find to meet new people is just to put myself in a position where I might run into someone who has similar interests. Almost all of the time, it happens when I'm not expecting or looking for it.

 

[yoshifumi]

this thread does not bode well for my future

 

[Escape Goat]

Go join kayaking group or biking team or some other group that has same interests. Bingo!

 

[enjoy bell woods]

I've slowly lost the four or five friends I made when I moved here. I'm kind of nowhere socially right now.

I think I've forgotten how to make friends, honestly. I've always had difficulty initiating conversation with people I don't or barely know. Life's just like that.

 

[rastex]

While I'm not out of college yet, I do move around every 4 months and so have gotten used to living on my own/making new friends. Fortunately enough for me I don't have any problems making friends, in fact sometimes it's too easy. For some reason random people always come up and talk to me, like if I'm walking with a group of people a person will always ask me for directions or something.. but I digress.

The gym is actually not a bad place at all to meet peopel, I've got to knew a few people at the gym. I mean, it starts out very simply, usually you go around the same time because your schedules are similar, so you see each other a few times, eventually you'll make eye contact, I always smile and nod when I make eye contact with someone. And then one time someone will just say "hey", and then it'll go to "So what's your name anyway?" and you go from there.

Sports clubs or other activitiy clubs or volunteering are other great ways to meet new people. As long as you're friendly, have a smile and smell nice it's actually very easy to talk to new people. And doing activities that you like, even if you don't meet new people at least you'll be doing something you enjoy and be active which is always good.

One place I've never really met a new person before is at a mall, shopping, or at a restaurant. Clubs are also pretty crappy places to meet new people.

 

[Alucard]

this thread does not bode well for my future

Don't worry, one day you too will discover the world of mostly being alone and drifting apart from your high school buddies. I think it happens to most people. I've got 2-3 good guy friends who are also doing their own thing, so we're just grateful with whatever time we get to spend together. On the other hand, female friends seem to have a harder time of "letting go" of "the good old days" and will fight tooth and nail to try and hang out as much as possible, to the point where it almost becomes annoying and they eventually accept the fact that you've got your own things to worry about. That's been my experience anyways.

 

[Hero]

Aside from what else was said already, maybe a book club or something? I hear that's popular with the ladies.

Or get her to join GAF.

 

[BuddyC]

 

[White Man]

Damn, and I thought I was socially screwed. You people are making me feel good about myself.

 

[Musashi Wins!]

My games are all the friends I need. Often I line my many game boxes up on a table opposite of me and serve them tea. Don't judge me...you don't know the tortured realm that is my mind!

It made me laugh aloud, I had to highlight it.

When I moved to Vegas it was easy to meet new people because everyone there was a transplant or if you were out in a club, in a good mood.

Moving back to my home state...I don't know what it is but I have little desire to contact everyone I used to spend time with here. It's too maudlin. Instead I've collected a ton of acquaintances. I don't feel the lack as much as I thought I would or I would be quicker to do something about it.

I think there's something to the post above that mentions wives being the new social circle. Since I'm getting a bit older and not married, it cuts me away from some former friends who have, etc. A lot of people have fucking kids now too