Hey GAF, first topic... and wouldn't you know it, it's a relationship thread. Well, I suppose it's not the typical relationship thread, at least I would hope not. I'm making this post because I am probably at one of the lowest points in my life... and probably need the most sense talked into me. I'm a bigger fan of telling how I got to where I am before stating where I am, so I'm going to do just that.
Brace yourself friends, exposition is coming.
At the start of my courtship, I'm a rather confident single twenty something and I'd call myself happy. After getting laid off from my big boy job, I've found work as a manager at a mall Gamestop, (get your pitchforks ready) and while I'm making less and know this no kind of permanent career for me, it's refreshing to be doing something I genuinely enjoy: talking about games. I'm pretty close to a Starbucks Coffee in said mall, which is where I met one of the most beautiful girls inside and out, in my opinion, I've ever seen. A mutual friend tells me she seems to have a thing for me, so I ask her out. We have a drink and things go well. I'm not going to regale you with every painstaking detail of our courtship, but for me it's pure magic. I actually will always remember this period no matter what, due to the scar over my right eye. She accidentally spilled the lemon water I ordered on me, causing me to slip and fall face first into the counter. This shattered my glasses, which cut into my face. I actually got carried away in a stretcher, having hit my head on the ground. Yep, had to get stitches... that was fun. It's a cute story, because I literally fell for her at that moment, you could say. I remember being in the ambulance and texting her "you forgot the lemon."We spend more and more time together, I joked it was because she had to finish the job.
Time goes on and it becomes clear to us that this isn't normal infatuation... this is what the kids call true love. Random strangers are telling us how happy we look, and like, man I'm seeing all sorts of signs. To me, this girl is the legendary one. So we start dating, and I leave this information to myself. Things are going absolutely phenomenal, but she says she has to make a confession. My heart sinks. "I'm a recovering heroin addict and I'm four months clean." Needless to say, I'm shocked and she thinks I'm going to leave, and yet I stay without hesitation. She tells me the whole story, how she had tried to leave her recent ex a year or so ago, and he turned to using heroin to cope telling her it was her fault. (He's quite the peach isn't he) She believed him, which as you can imagine wrecked her. He convinced her to start doing it with him and the rest is history...
Her story goes on, and boy is it a sad one. Essentially, he treated her like shit and ruined her life completely-- isolating her from both her friends and her family. She of course was blind to it, doing every drug under the sun with him. She didn't even attempt to stop until she hit rock bottom and crashed her car while dope sick (a withdrawal.) So her parents cornered her and somehow managed to get her to seek help, and she moved back in with them. And now here she is, twenty one years of age-- her clean date is her birthday-- working her first job: a barista. I was proud to learn how far she'd come.
I was also naive.
...
This is where the story takes a turn. Just around the time her five month clean hits, this girl's grandmother starts getting sick. I can tell she's having a hard time, so I decide to do something nice for her: buy her a cool necklace to celebrate her five months clean. She absolutely loves it. She says she hasn't been taking her anti-craving meds. (That stop her from getting high and cause major pain if you use) I tell her I want to come over and help her take them, throw away the needles she keeps for an emergency. She declines, saying she will do it herself when she gets home. She tells me she took the pills.
That turns out to be lie. She visits her grandmother the next day. She's supposed to hang out with me right after (In hopes of helping get her mind off things.) Instead, she hits up her ex (Easter) and they proceed to use heroin together. It turns out he had told her he was planning to get clean and he wanted to use together one last time. Pardon my French, but fuck this bastard. He knew about me and he wanted to drive her away from me and towards him with this tactic. A selfish asshole to be sure.
She calls me afterwards, crying. She asks if she could come see me. It's 3 am, but I oblige. I am furious, angry at both of them. This was my error, but I'm an emotional guy... and I didn't know how to handle this. She thinks I'm going to leave her and she's beside herself.
"So you're serious about getting clean?"
She says yes. I agree to stay, but I say she has to stop talking to her ex. She says he's going away, so he won't be an issue. I tell her next time I'm going to leave, so let's not make there a next time. Let's commit to being clean. She agrees. Now things are a bit rougher after this, but she's still really into the relationship. She has, however, lost that happy spark she had, and has become depressed as hell. I do my best to make her happy, taking her on fun adventures and weekly dates. She says no one has done anything like this, and it almost feels weird. "You expect the love you think you deserve." That's a line she often used. Oh, and speaking of using... guess what she did two months later?
Surprise, surprise. Her ex never left! And her grandmother dies... So, she decides to relapse, but this time she hides it from me... And...
I'm sorry, I'm not trying to simulate the feeling of me getting choked up, but I genuinely am here. This is where she almost died. Apparently when they used she isn't waking up, so they revive her at the hospital.
I notice a drastic change in her behavior. I ask her again and again if she's used, and she denies it. So, I decide to ask her to take her anti-craving drugs in front of me. She refuses and eventually breaks down and admits she used and tells me the whole story. This reduces me to tears and I tell her I'm going to tell her parents and that she needs help. She starts crying and blocks the door, telling me I cannot tell them, and if I do I will never hear from her again. I vow to beat the crap out of the guy, and she's not having that idea either. Somehow, she convinces me to stay... She doesn't want to lose me and I know being around and being a positive presence will help keep her away from drugs. I lay down some ground rules... I say no hiding stuff from me, block your ex and all your dealers. She actually does this! This is major and makes me think she's actually serious about getting clean. Things are pretty good afterwards, and it seems as though she's being extra nice since she's trying to make up for things.
This does not last though. We now have trust issues, and I'm not treating her the same way. Every time she wants to go out I feel skeptical. I spend more and more time with her, trying to occupy her time, so she's not bored and thinking about doing drugs. This is where I feel things start to fall apart...
Sadly, I believe I began to get clingy and smother her at this point. This drives her further and further away. Through everything that's happened, both good and bad I become extremely attached to this girl. Things only get worse when she starts taking new meds, a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant. Between them and her constant weed smoking (which I have no problem with, since I do it too.) She's pretty much become a zombie. She doesn't seem to care to want to see me like she used to, opting to drink and have fun with her friends without me. (Something she used to love to do WITH me.) Things get to a fever pitch when I suspect her of using again. She's showing all the signs, throwing up and refusing to let me see her. I don't feel like going into the details... but trust me GAF, when I say she's showing all the signs... she really really is.Things aren't going well the past couple of weeks, and we've had two discussions about our relationship being in trouble prior to this. She had agreed to try, because I promised her I start trusting her again and ease up a bit.
So, one day soon, we have plans to hang out after work, and she suddenly cancels saying she would rather sleep. We were planning on napping and watching Netflix, so it struck me as odd. Both times she used she did the same exact thing. So I pretend to not get the text and come over anyway... just to investigate. She gets pretty mad when she sees me there, and basically says she can't do this anymore and attempts to break up with me. Through a lot of talking I convince her that it's not a great idea... and I guess she sorta gives in for whatever reason. The next day I come over and watch the finale of a show we love with her and her mom, and she asks me to leave right after... as she would rather sleep. The following day, she disappears completely. She claims to have gotten sick, and when I finally do see her at work, she totally looks like shit. All her coworkers think she's using again too. So, I confront her and she denies everything. The main reason I think she's used is because she didn't call or text back all day on the day in question, and sounded like utter shit when she finally responded... at night. (That's exactly how it happened the other two times.) I confront her and she says it's not that she used, it's that she tried to break up and I wouldn't let her so she felt weird. So tearfully I just give into what she wants... and I spiral fucking downward.
I kinda refuse to admit that it's over, having grown so attached to the idea that this girl was going to be my forever, and that I would stand by her no matter what. She's out of commission for several days, calling out of work and leaving early on the day she is there due to throwing up. I decide that it's a good idea to hang out and get my stuff. This where it really feels like she's just turned a switch and she doesn't feel like someone I'm going to be able to win back with my words and displays of affection. I do the worst possible thing, and I break down and text her and call her nonstop for 2-3 days telling her how shattered I am. I hate to admit it, but there was a fair amount of drinking involved on my part. Bear in mind, I'm still pretty beside myself thinking she used. She actually talks to be on one of these days and tells me she's talking to her ex again. She says she no longer feels like she doesn't have to since she's not with me anymore. She says she won't see him unless he actually gets clean though.
Maybe I'm an idiot, but I actually believe she didn't use this time. That line pretty much says it all. Or maybe it doesn't? Who knows at this point. Something about how she told me seemed really genuine. Now, I'm regretting all this and I decide to just cut contact. I come to realize that I'm only pushing her away with my desperate behavior and that it's for the best. I'm committing to working on myself, going to therapy and the gym. Going out and being social. All my friends and coworkers see this as a positive, saying she was no good for me, and that I'm better off without her.
... But am I?
So that's the negative story of our decline, but throughout this whole six months I had never been happier. The good always seemed to outweigh the bad, and given how bad the bad was-- that should tell you something! Never have I felt like I can be myself as much as I can around her. She makes me laugh, smile, and it's the best sex I've ever had. She's sweet to me. A golden heart that would literally not even crush a spider, yet slightly rough around the edges. I can do both everything and nothing with her. When we are happy together, we are practically enveloped by an invisible bubble that shuts everything out but us. It was us against the world. She's made a difference on me, and made me want things out of life I have never wanted before. It's fucking crazy and it makes no sense. I've had several long relationships (one even three years long) and not one of them ending made me feel this way. I have no feelings of resentment toward her, and I'm not just rushing out to sleep with someone else. In fact, I can't even fathom sleeping with someone else. It simply doesn't appeal to me. My parents, friends... everyone tells me to forget her and to let her make her own mistakes, but I made a fucking promise. I promised to stick by her no matter what for the rest of her life, because I knew her addiction was never going away. Never had I thought she was the one that would leave me. Not in a million years.
I think that's what I am so stuck on, GAF. I feel like there's something truly wrong with me, that I managed to push the love of my life away like this. I wish I handled the problem of her addiction better. I'm trying to craft myself into being that person. I'm not even close to perfect. As a product of emotional and physical abuse as a child, I have attachment issues, and I know that the stress of what happened made me slip into that controlling person. Through it all she says she still loves me, and the main reason we broke up was that she just wasn't ready for anything. It's not shocking, she told me that up front when it all started. Through I was never her official boyfriend, I became that in an unofficial capacity over time-- she would even refer to me as that from time to time. She introduced me to her extended family, and she stayed loyal to me. While her mistakes were pretty big, I'm the one who got broken up with, making me think it really is me that has to make some major changes. My friends are happy I'm making positive changes and I'm content without her, but I just want to be a better man for her.
I'm not concerned about myself guys; I'm just not. That's never been who I am. I put others first, and that's simply what I like doing. I love her, and I'm still willing to be a positive force in her life if she'd simply let me back in. I refuse to believe just because of a mistake she made while she was younger that she's not worth my time and attention. I love a recovering heroin addict that dumped me, and literally everyone is telling me to stop. Will you do the same?
I'm supposed to hang out with her today and Sunday. These are plans we made a while ago. I feel like I need a month to myself to heal and get my shit together, maybe erase the negative impressions I left on her recently with my regrettable behavior. I haven't really spoken to her in almost three days. It's two hours or so until we are supposed to chill (if she decides to wake up on time.) What do I do? My heart is churning with anxiety and my mind is spinning with uncertainty. I want to give this girl the life she deserves. She's the most amazing person I've ever met that just so happens to be plagued by a horrible addiction. I look past and accept that.
GAF, while I may not post an awful lot I see you all as my faceless friends. I read topics like this from time to time and I know I might be in for some rough responses, but I'm going through with it anyway. Can any of you relate? Should I really just cut and run? Should I try to win her over? I'm not trying to save her, Gaf. I just want to love her and support her and do it in a way that makes her happy and doesn't overwhelm her. I feel like a love like this is something I'm willing to fight for, regardless of what logic would dictate.
...Thoughts?
Brace yourself friends, exposition is coming.
At the start of my courtship, I'm a rather confident single twenty something and I'd call myself happy. After getting laid off from my big boy job, I've found work as a manager at a mall Gamestop, (get your pitchforks ready) and while I'm making less and know this no kind of permanent career for me, it's refreshing to be doing something I genuinely enjoy: talking about games. I'm pretty close to a Starbucks Coffee in said mall, which is where I met one of the most beautiful girls inside and out, in my opinion, I've ever seen. A mutual friend tells me she seems to have a thing for me, so I ask her out. We have a drink and things go well. I'm not going to regale you with every painstaking detail of our courtship, but for me it's pure magic. I actually will always remember this period no matter what, due to the scar over my right eye. She accidentally spilled the lemon water I ordered on me, causing me to slip and fall face first into the counter. This shattered my glasses, which cut into my face. I actually got carried away in a stretcher, having hit my head on the ground. Yep, had to get stitches... that was fun. It's a cute story, because I literally fell for her at that moment, you could say. I remember being in the ambulance and texting her "you forgot the lemon."We spend more and more time together, I joked it was because she had to finish the job.
Time goes on and it becomes clear to us that this isn't normal infatuation... this is what the kids call true love. Random strangers are telling us how happy we look, and like, man I'm seeing all sorts of signs. To me, this girl is the legendary one. So we start dating, and I leave this information to myself. Things are going absolutely phenomenal, but she says she has to make a confession. My heart sinks. "I'm a recovering heroin addict and I'm four months clean." Needless to say, I'm shocked and she thinks I'm going to leave, and yet I stay without hesitation. She tells me the whole story, how she had tried to leave her recent ex a year or so ago, and he turned to using heroin to cope telling her it was her fault. (He's quite the peach isn't he) She believed him, which as you can imagine wrecked her. He convinced her to start doing it with him and the rest is history...
Her story goes on, and boy is it a sad one. Essentially, he treated her like shit and ruined her life completely-- isolating her from both her friends and her family. She of course was blind to it, doing every drug under the sun with him. She didn't even attempt to stop until she hit rock bottom and crashed her car while dope sick (a withdrawal.) So her parents cornered her and somehow managed to get her to seek help, and she moved back in with them. And now here she is, twenty one years of age-- her clean date is her birthday-- working her first job: a barista. I was proud to learn how far she'd come.
I was also naive.
...
This is where the story takes a turn. Just around the time her five month clean hits, this girl's grandmother starts getting sick. I can tell she's having a hard time, so I decide to do something nice for her: buy her a cool necklace to celebrate her five months clean. She absolutely loves it. She says she hasn't been taking her anti-craving meds. (That stop her from getting high and cause major pain if you use) I tell her I want to come over and help her take them, throw away the needles she keeps for an emergency. She declines, saying she will do it herself when she gets home. She tells me she took the pills.
That turns out to be lie. She visits her grandmother the next day. She's supposed to hang out with me right after (In hopes of helping get her mind off things.) Instead, she hits up her ex (Easter) and they proceed to use heroin together. It turns out he had told her he was planning to get clean and he wanted to use together one last time. Pardon my French, but fuck this bastard. He knew about me and he wanted to drive her away from me and towards him with this tactic. A selfish asshole to be sure.
She calls me afterwards, crying. She asks if she could come see me. It's 3 am, but I oblige. I am furious, angry at both of them. This was my error, but I'm an emotional guy... and I didn't know how to handle this. She thinks I'm going to leave her and she's beside herself.
"So you're serious about getting clean?"
She says yes. I agree to stay, but I say she has to stop talking to her ex. She says he's going away, so he won't be an issue. I tell her next time I'm going to leave, so let's not make there a next time. Let's commit to being clean. She agrees. Now things are a bit rougher after this, but she's still really into the relationship. She has, however, lost that happy spark she had, and has become depressed as hell. I do my best to make her happy, taking her on fun adventures and weekly dates. She says no one has done anything like this, and it almost feels weird. "You expect the love you think you deserve." That's a line she often used. Oh, and speaking of using... guess what she did two months later?
Surprise, surprise. Her ex never left! And her grandmother dies... So, she decides to relapse, but this time she hides it from me... And...
I'm sorry, I'm not trying to simulate the feeling of me getting choked up, but I genuinely am here. This is where she almost died. Apparently when they used she isn't waking up, so they revive her at the hospital.
I notice a drastic change in her behavior. I ask her again and again if she's used, and she denies it. So, I decide to ask her to take her anti-craving drugs in front of me. She refuses and eventually breaks down and admits she used and tells me the whole story. This reduces me to tears and I tell her I'm going to tell her parents and that she needs help. She starts crying and blocks the door, telling me I cannot tell them, and if I do I will never hear from her again. I vow to beat the crap out of the guy, and she's not having that idea either. Somehow, she convinces me to stay... She doesn't want to lose me and I know being around and being a positive presence will help keep her away from drugs. I lay down some ground rules... I say no hiding stuff from me, block your ex and all your dealers. She actually does this! This is major and makes me think she's actually serious about getting clean. Things are pretty good afterwards, and it seems as though she's being extra nice since she's trying to make up for things.
This does not last though. We now have trust issues, and I'm not treating her the same way. Every time she wants to go out I feel skeptical. I spend more and more time with her, trying to occupy her time, so she's not bored and thinking about doing drugs. This is where I feel things start to fall apart...
Sadly, I believe I began to get clingy and smother her at this point. This drives her further and further away. Through everything that's happened, both good and bad I become extremely attached to this girl. Things only get worse when she starts taking new meds, a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant. Between them and her constant weed smoking (which I have no problem with, since I do it too.) She's pretty much become a zombie. She doesn't seem to care to want to see me like she used to, opting to drink and have fun with her friends without me. (Something she used to love to do WITH me.) Things get to a fever pitch when I suspect her of using again. She's showing all the signs, throwing up and refusing to let me see her. I don't feel like going into the details... but trust me GAF, when I say she's showing all the signs... she really really is.Things aren't going well the past couple of weeks, and we've had two discussions about our relationship being in trouble prior to this. She had agreed to try, because I promised her I start trusting her again and ease up a bit.
So, one day soon, we have plans to hang out after work, and she suddenly cancels saying she would rather sleep. We were planning on napping and watching Netflix, so it struck me as odd. Both times she used she did the same exact thing. So I pretend to not get the text and come over anyway... just to investigate. She gets pretty mad when she sees me there, and basically says she can't do this anymore and attempts to break up with me. Through a lot of talking I convince her that it's not a great idea... and I guess she sorta gives in for whatever reason. The next day I come over and watch the finale of a show we love with her and her mom, and she asks me to leave right after... as she would rather sleep. The following day, she disappears completely. She claims to have gotten sick, and when I finally do see her at work, she totally looks like shit. All her coworkers think she's using again too. So, I confront her and she denies everything. The main reason I think she's used is because she didn't call or text back all day on the day in question, and sounded like utter shit when she finally responded... at night. (That's exactly how it happened the other two times.) I confront her and she says it's not that she used, it's that she tried to break up and I wouldn't let her so she felt weird. So tearfully I just give into what she wants... and I spiral fucking downward.
I kinda refuse to admit that it's over, having grown so attached to the idea that this girl was going to be my forever, and that I would stand by her no matter what. She's out of commission for several days, calling out of work and leaving early on the day she is there due to throwing up. I decide that it's a good idea to hang out and get my stuff. This where it really feels like she's just turned a switch and she doesn't feel like someone I'm going to be able to win back with my words and displays of affection. I do the worst possible thing, and I break down and text her and call her nonstop for 2-3 days telling her how shattered I am. I hate to admit it, but there was a fair amount of drinking involved on my part. Bear in mind, I'm still pretty beside myself thinking she used. She actually talks to be on one of these days and tells me she's talking to her ex again. She says she no longer feels like she doesn't have to since she's not with me anymore. She says she won't see him unless he actually gets clean though.
Maybe I'm an idiot, but I actually believe she didn't use this time. That line pretty much says it all. Or maybe it doesn't? Who knows at this point. Something about how she told me seemed really genuine. Now, I'm regretting all this and I decide to just cut contact. I come to realize that I'm only pushing her away with my desperate behavior and that it's for the best. I'm committing to working on myself, going to therapy and the gym. Going out and being social. All my friends and coworkers see this as a positive, saying she was no good for me, and that I'm better off without her.
... But am I?
So that's the negative story of our decline, but throughout this whole six months I had never been happier. The good always seemed to outweigh the bad, and given how bad the bad was-- that should tell you something! Never have I felt like I can be myself as much as I can around her. She makes me laugh, smile, and it's the best sex I've ever had. She's sweet to me. A golden heart that would literally not even crush a spider, yet slightly rough around the edges. I can do both everything and nothing with her. When we are happy together, we are practically enveloped by an invisible bubble that shuts everything out but us. It was us against the world. She's made a difference on me, and made me want things out of life I have never wanted before. It's fucking crazy and it makes no sense. I've had several long relationships (one even three years long) and not one of them ending made me feel this way. I have no feelings of resentment toward her, and I'm not just rushing out to sleep with someone else. In fact, I can't even fathom sleeping with someone else. It simply doesn't appeal to me. My parents, friends... everyone tells me to forget her and to let her make her own mistakes, but I made a fucking promise. I promised to stick by her no matter what for the rest of her life, because I knew her addiction was never going away. Never had I thought she was the one that would leave me. Not in a million years.
I think that's what I am so stuck on, GAF. I feel like there's something truly wrong with me, that I managed to push the love of my life away like this. I wish I handled the problem of her addiction better. I'm trying to craft myself into being that person. I'm not even close to perfect. As a product of emotional and physical abuse as a child, I have attachment issues, and I know that the stress of what happened made me slip into that controlling person. Through it all she says she still loves me, and the main reason we broke up was that she just wasn't ready for anything. It's not shocking, she told me that up front when it all started. Through I was never her official boyfriend, I became that in an unofficial capacity over time-- she would even refer to me as that from time to time. She introduced me to her extended family, and she stayed loyal to me. While her mistakes were pretty big, I'm the one who got broken up with, making me think it really is me that has to make some major changes. My friends are happy I'm making positive changes and I'm content without her, but I just want to be a better man for her.
I'm not concerned about myself guys; I'm just not. That's never been who I am. I put others first, and that's simply what I like doing. I love her, and I'm still willing to be a positive force in her life if she'd simply let me back in. I refuse to believe just because of a mistake she made while she was younger that she's not worth my time and attention. I love a recovering heroin addict that dumped me, and literally everyone is telling me to stop. Will you do the same?
I'm supposed to hang out with her today and Sunday. These are plans we made a while ago. I feel like I need a month to myself to heal and get my shit together, maybe erase the negative impressions I left on her recently with my regrettable behavior. I haven't really spoken to her in almost three days. It's two hours or so until we are supposed to chill (if she decides to wake up on time.) What do I do? My heart is churning with anxiety and my mind is spinning with uncertainty. I want to give this girl the life she deserves. She's the most amazing person I've ever met that just so happens to be plagued by a horrible addiction. I look past and accept that.
GAF, while I may not post an awful lot I see you all as my faceless friends. I read topics like this from time to time and I know I might be in for some rough responses, but I'm going through with it anyway. Can any of you relate? Should I really just cut and run? Should I try to win her over? I'm not trying to save her, Gaf. I just want to love her and support her and do it in a way that makes her happy and doesn't overwhelm her. I feel like a love like this is something I'm willing to fight for, regardless of what logic would dictate.
...Thoughts?
