It'd been ten years since I'd seen Purple Rain at least, and that was apparently time enough for me to forget how terrible a film it is. Where should we start?
--The scene in which Prince's new girlfriend, Apollonia, pawns some jewelry to buy him a guitar. Prince responds by removing one of his earrings and giving it to her. She then says that she is going to join the band of his nemesis, Morris Day and the Time. Prince then slaps the bejesus out of her, sending her flying across the room. Now, Prince is about five feet tall, and wears frilly purple clothes and boots with three-inch heels. And he lives in his mom's basement. What woman would take that kind of crap off Prince?
--The scene in which Prince is about to confront his father for beating up his mother. Remember, he's about five feet tall, and he's strutting down the hall in his frilly clothes and high-heeled boots, yelling in his high-pitched voice, "Where are you! Answer me, motherfucker!!"
--The homage to Citizen Kane, in which Prince goes apeshit and starts tearing up his apartment full of knickknacks. Again--this is Prince, trying to look hard. He wouldn't weigh 100 pounds soaking wet.
--Most importantly: The Time are supposed to be the villains of the film, and we're to understand that their music is somehow vastly inferior to Prince's. But, come on--Prince undeniably turned out some great songs in that movie, but isn't The Time a really good band? "Jungle Love" rocks. "The Bird" rocks. They have synchronized dancing. They have that bit where Jerome brings out a mirror so that Morris Day can check his hairdo during the bridge. Morris has a self-deprecating sense of humor, while Prince is just overwrought with emotional problems and whines all the time until he gets his shit together at the end. In fact, it's time for all of you to go to Amazon and purchase:
Morris Day and the Time need their own movie.
--The scene in which Prince's new girlfriend, Apollonia, pawns some jewelry to buy him a guitar. Prince responds by removing one of his earrings and giving it to her. She then says that she is going to join the band of his nemesis, Morris Day and the Time. Prince then slaps the bejesus out of her, sending her flying across the room. Now, Prince is about five feet tall, and wears frilly purple clothes and boots with three-inch heels. And he lives in his mom's basement. What woman would take that kind of crap off Prince?
--The scene in which Prince is about to confront his father for beating up his mother. Remember, he's about five feet tall, and he's strutting down the hall in his frilly clothes and high-heeled boots, yelling in his high-pitched voice, "Where are you! Answer me, motherfucker!!"
--The homage to Citizen Kane, in which Prince goes apeshit and starts tearing up his apartment full of knickknacks. Again--this is Prince, trying to look hard. He wouldn't weigh 100 pounds soaking wet.
--Most importantly: The Time are supposed to be the villains of the film, and we're to understand that their music is somehow vastly inferior to Prince's. But, come on--Prince undeniably turned out some great songs in that movie, but isn't The Time a really good band? "Jungle Love" rocks. "The Bird" rocks. They have synchronized dancing. They have that bit where Jerome brings out a mirror so that Morris Day can check his hairdo during the bridge. Morris has a self-deprecating sense of humor, while Prince is just overwrought with emotional problems and whines all the time until he gets his shit together at the end. In fact, it's time for all of you to go to Amazon and purchase:
Morris Day and the Time need their own movie.
