When friends and family overstay their welcome

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Well I just had a not so great 4 day experience. First let me get some facts out of the way. I'm 29, I'm planning on getting married next year. I am in a long distance relationship, so my GF isn't around for any of this. But I don't want that to be the topic of this thread. My cousin is 27, he just finished college this past Spring semester. His whole life he's had a history of having others(including myself) treat him. He has also been unemployed for the past 2 years while concentrating on school. I've talked to his older brother about it(who is the same age as me), and he's not too happy about him always asking for money. But anyways, I'm just his cousin so for a while now I've always been treating him when we go out and get a bite to eat. I'll tell him stuff like "hey, you're a poor college student right now, I got no money issues, don't worry about it" and "you're welcome to come hang out anytime you want on my days off, it's cool". So every now and then he comes over and hangs out, sometimes we stay up all night watching movies or playing games. But it never got to a point where I felt it was too much.

I just hoped that he appreciates my generosity and never takes advantage of it or cross a certain line that I wouldn't feel comfortable with(purposely or unpurposely). And he just did this the past four days. First off I work 4 days a week, I'm off Sat, Mon, and Tuesday(he also knows my work schedule). So I used a vacation day to have 4 straight days off. On Saturday I'm relaxing and he calls me up to ask if he can come over, I say sure, that's cool. So his brother drops him off at my place. We're all hanging out with my younger brother. He said since I work tomorrow, I won't be able to go help him get a new car that he just bought. At first I thought about whether I should say anything in front of my cousin. I was worried that if I said I had the day off, he would sleep over at my place. Not just one night, maybe he would stick around all 4 days. But I figured that's foolish, he wouldn't do such a thing. As soon as I tell my bro I had Sunday off my cousin tells me that since I do, he'll just sleep over and continue hanging out with me. My fears were confirmed, he slept over. And he slept over Sunday night and Monday night. He finally left about 8 hours ago around 10pm Tuesday night.

I am somewhat in disbelief at what he just did. First off, I've known him nearly my entire life, basically since we were little kids. I don't think he did this with ill intention. I think he really believes everything was cool, except it wasn't. Having to share my bed and my stuff for 4 days was really fucking annoying. Besides that he continued rubbing me in the wrong way. When my brother and I went to go get the car he bought, my cousin decided not to come with us. He rather stay at our house alone with my younger bro's wife and use my PC and things while we were out for about an hour and a half. If that wasn't bad enough, his bro called to ask him for a favor and he practically volunteered me to go do something for him that I had no responsibility for. So I told him to tell his bro to do it himself as I was getting kind of fed up.

I'm really disappointed at how childish my cousin is being and how unaware he is to how he might look right now in my eyes or my families eyes. He should know better, but somehow didn't. He stayed at my house and ate our food for four days. We're not teenagers anymore or even in our early 20s. We're both nearing our 30's and I wouldn't expect this kind of behavior from him. This is the first times he IMO has overstayed his welcome and I hope it's the last. Honestly, I don't know what's going on in his head right now. Like I said, we've known each other forever and we're family. I didn't want to bring it up and embarrass him. But I hope somewhere in his mind he finally comes to the conclusion that he overdid. I rather he do figure it out himself then us having to have that talk because it's one I'd rather avoid.

Sorry for the blobs of text. This was really a vent more than anything else. I did vent to my girlfriend, but I just wanted to release some more. If you have some stories then please share it, I could use a laugh right now. My 4 day weekend was pretty much ruined and now I have to go to work this afternoon at 5pm Eastern :(

I meant the title to have a "or" and not "and", but I guess that's too late now as I don't know if that can even be changed. I hardly make threads.
 
No friends or family will ever overstay there welcome with me, that's why they are my friends/family.

My door is always open.
 
Some people just have no boundaries, man. One time, I lived in an apartment with a couple other guys. Some guy we all knew was having a tough time finding housing for the school year, so we agreed to let him crash for a few days. A few days turned into about 3-4 weeks. We eventually just put our collective feet down, and told him that he had to find a place to live. Sure enough, he was able to find a vacant dorm that afternoon.
 
Your house, your rules. Can't believe you didn't tell him to get out - grow some balls.

Yeah I pretty much figured someone would hit me with this. I don't know, I guess it's really hard for a lot of people to confront friends or family with something like this. I thought about it but couldn't bring myself to tell him that I'm not comfortable with staying over as long as he did. I will try to in the future should this ever happen again.

BTW, the house is being shared by my brother, his wife, and me. My bro didn't like it, but didn't mind too much because he didn't have to deal with him like I did.
 
If you believe he had no ill intentions then the only person at fault is yourself for not telling him to leave.
 
The correct move would have been:

getoutp.gif
 
I think he genuinely thinks you two are tight bros. I wouldn't blame him if you've led him to believe that, and given what you've written, he just seems to be in the mind set that if you have the day off, you wouldn't mind spending it with him.

Seeing someone for 4 days straight can get irritating, but from what I'm gathering, you spend quite a bit of time with him already, and a long weekend doesn't come off as being entirely bizarre.
 
When he said he wanted to stay over - why didn't you say anything? Dude, you're 29 years old you gotta take charge of stuff not just let things happen to you, in my opinion.
 
On one hand I sympathize, that is incredibly annoying. I'm a super private person and I'd want to kill him. On the other hand, you're a real pushover to just let him do it. There's no reason why you can't or shouldn't ask for some space and time for yourself.
 
If you believe he had no bad intentions then the only person at fault is yourself for not telling him to leave.

Believe me, I take some of the blame for this as I mentioned, I treat him a lot and tell him he's always welcome. But this isn't a 16 year old that I'm talking about, it's a 27 year old. He should know there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. That's why I expressed disappointment in him. This is a subject we've talked about in the past concerning other people. This is definitely something I know I wouldn't ever do nor would just about every else I know. So it surprised me that he did it without a care in the world. He never did it before, but maybe, just maybe the only thing holding him back from doing it before was the fact that he was going to college full time.


I think he genuinely thinks you two are tight bros. I wouldn't blame him if you've led him to believe that, and given what you've written, he just seems to be in the mind set that if you have the day off, you wouldn't mind spending it with him.

Seeing someone for 4 days straight can get irritating, but from what I'm gathering, you spend quite a bit of time with him already, and a long weekend doesn't come off as being entirely bizarre.

I see him quite a bit, but not too often. Maybe about 2 a month at best mainly on the weekend. So it never felt like too much. Even if he hung out all night, he would go home around 5 AM. Sleeping over was rare although it's happened before. This is the first time it's gone this far though.

But yeah, I'm too polite and so is just about everybody else around me. Maybe it's a Asian thing. Nah, that's just a shitty excuse.
 
At first I thought about whether I should say anything in front of my cousin. I was worried that if I said I had the day off, he would sleep over at my place. Not just one night, maybe he would stick around all 4 days. But I figured that's foolish, he wouldn't do such a thing. As soon as I tell my bro I had Sunday off my cousin tells me that since I do, he'll just sleep over and continue hanging out with me. My fears were confirmed, he slept over. And he slept over Sunday night and Monday night. He finally left about 8 hours ago around 10pm Tuesday night.

You should have immediately said something.
 
To be honest it seems like it's your own fault, you didn't set clear boundaries and he thought you would find it cool if he hung out for 4 days.
 
It's obvious your previous and repeated hospitality made him believe he was in the clear. The issue here and now is that you feel he has stepped over the line you never drew.
 
Yeah I pretty much figured someone would hit me with this. I don't know, I guess it's really hard for a lot of people to confront friends or family with something like this. I thought about it but couldn't bring myself to tell him that I'm not comfortable with staying over as long as he did. I will try to in the future should this ever happen again.

BTW, the house is being shared by my brother, his wife, and me. My bro didn't like it, but didn't mind too much because he didn't have to deal with him like I did.

Honestly, I agree with you there. I always try to look after family members (right now I have 3 people living in my 1 bedroom apartment for nearly the entire summer) and I don't think it's right to turn them down outright.

When someone is this egregious about it, I'd at least bring up that he's not even trying to pull his weight. You don't need to tell him to leave, but when he's being a lazy dick you have every right to expect more from him. I would never tell someone in my family to leave but don't be soft on him when it comes to his behaviour, it will at least make him realize that he is a burden.
 
You really should have set clearer boundaries, it's not that hard to ask for him to leave without offending him.
Just say that you're looking for some private time, tell him you'll get together some other time.
 
Well I just had a not so great 4 day experience. First let me get some facts out of the way. I'm 29, I'm planning on getting married next year. I am in a long distance relationship, so my GF isn't around for any of this. But I don't want that to be the topic of this thread. My cousin is 27, he just finished college this past Spring semester. His whole life he's had a history of having others(including myself) treat him. He has also been unemployed for the past 2 years while concentrating on school. I've talked to his older brother about it(who is the same age as me), and he's not too happy about him always asking for money. But anyways, I'm just his cousin so for a while now I've always been treating him when we go out and get a bite to eat. I'll tell him stuff like "hey, you're a poor college student right now, I got no money issues, don't worry about it" and "you're welcome to come hang out anytime you want on my days off, it's cool". So every now and then he comes over and hangs out, sometimes we stay up all night watching movies or playing games. But it never got to a point where I felt it was too much.

I just hoped that he appreciates my generosity and never takes advantage of it or cross a certain line that I wouldn't feel comfortable with(purposely or unpurposely). And he just did this the past four days. First off I work 4 days a week, I'm off Sat, Mon, and Tuesday(he also knows my work schedule). So I used a vacation day to have 4 straight days off. On Saturday I'm relaxing and he calls me up to ask if he can come over, I say sure, that's cool. So his brother drops him off at my place. We're all hanging out with my younger brother. He said since I work tomorrow, I won't be able to go help him get a new car that he just bought. At first I thought about whether I should say anything in front of my cousin. I was worried that if I said I had the day off, he would sleep over at my place. Not just one night, maybe he would stick around all 4 days. But I figured that's foolish, he wouldn't do such a thing. As soon as I tell my bro I had Sunday off my cousin tells me that since I do, he'll just sleep over and continue hanging out with me. My fears were confirmed, he slept over. And he slept over Sunday night and Monday night. He finally left about 8 hours ago around 10pm Tuesday night.

I am somewhat in disbelief at what he just did. First off, I've known him nearly my entire life, basically since we were little kids. I don't think he did this with ill intention. I think he really believes everything was cool, except it wasn't. Having to share my bed and my stuff for 4 days was really fucking annoying. Besides that he continued rubbing me in the wrong way. When my brother and I went to go get the car he bought, my cousin decided not to come with us. He rather stay at our house alone with my younger bro's wife and use my PC and things while we were out for about an hour and a half. If that wasn't bad enough, his bro called to ask him for a favor and he practically volunteered me to go do something for him that I had no responsibility for. So I told him to tell his bro to do it himself as I was getting kind of fed up.

I'm really disappointed at how childish my cousin is being and how unaware he is to how he might look right now in my eyes or my families eyes. He should know better, but somehow didn't. He stayed at my house and ate our food for four days. We're not teenagers anymore or even in our early 20s. We're both nearing our 30's and I wouldn't expect this kind of behavior from him. This is the first times he IMO has overstayed his welcome and I hope it's the last. Honestly, I don't know what's going on in his head right now. Like I said, we've known each other forever and we're family. I didn't want to bring it up and embarrass him. But I hope somewhere in his mind he finally comes to the conclusion that he overdid. I rather he do figure it out himself then us having to have that talk because it's one I'd rather avoid.

Sorry for the blobs of text. This was really a vent more than anything else. I did vent to my girlfriend, but I just wanted to release some more. If you have some stories then please share it, I could use a laugh right now. My 4 day weekend was pretty much ruined and now I have to go to work this afternoon at 5pm Eastern :(

I meant the title to have a "or" and not "and", but I guess that's too late now as I don't know if that can even be changed. I hardly make threads.

I apologize if this comes across as rude, as that's not my intent (and the impulse to look after family is laudable) but maybe consider being a bit more direct. Boom, one sentence.
 
Believe me, I know what you guys are saying and completely understand them. This is just the way I've been raised. Everybody is always welcome and we're glad you're over, blah blah blah. It's just the nice and polite thing to say, so I've always done it to. But I've always been wary of overstaying my welcome and the same goes for most of my friends and cousins. Nobody says it, but it should just be known because nobody wants to say "hey you can come over but you gotta leave by this time".

That's how I felt about it and my cousin never stepped on those boundaries that I never made clear to him before. So it's a first for me and came to me as quite a surprise.
 
Yeah I pretty much figured someone would hit me with this. I don't know, I guess it's really hard for a lot of people to confront friends or family with something like this. I thought about it but couldn't bring myself to tell him that I'm not comfortable with staying over as long as he did. I will try to in the future should this ever happen again.

BTW, the house is being shared by my brother, his wife, and me. My bro didn't like it, but didn't mind too much because he didn't have to deal with him like I did.

While I understand the difficulty in telling family members where to go (I have this same problem all the time with my wife's family) It was really stupid of you to pick up the cousin's car and agree that he could stay home. That just reinforces to him that he can ask you anything and you'll do it, even if begrudgingly.
 
While I understand the difficulty in telling family members where to go (I have this same problem all the time with my wife's family) It was really stupid of you to pick up the cousin's car and agree that he could stay home. That just reinforces to him that he can ask you anything and you'll do it, even if begrudgingly.

Just a correction, but it was my brother buying a new car, not my cousin. But the point stands, I shouldn't have just let him stay at my home with just my bro's wife around. This really threw me off as he felt that comfortable to do something like this.
 
Haha, just experienced this the other day. My mom's cousin stayed over here last week and didn't tell anyone how long she planned to stay here. On the day of her arrival (Saturday), she told my mom that she planned to stay here for a WHOLE WEEK. lol

My mom made up some lie about how she had a workshop to go to from Monday to Wednesday so her cousin had to cut her stay short. Then my cousin had to start calling other people and everyone she called was conveniently "going out of town" the next day. lol

Personally, I've never stayed at anyone's house for more than 3 or 4 days, and when I do, I've already asked well in advance...like a couple of weeks. Plus, I'm a complete joy and nobody wants me to leave, lol. :) Once, my friend wanted me to stay longer than I planned to but he was so boring that I had to get out of there =p
 
Just a correction, but it was my brother buying a new car, not my cousin. But the point stands, I shouldn't have just let him stay at my home with just my bro's wife around. This really threw me off as he felt that comfortable to do something like this.

This seems to be a sticking point for you. Is she hot or something?
 
This seems to be a sticking point for you. Is she hot or something?

No, she's average IMO. I'd say a 5 out of 10.

Plus, I'm a complete joy and nobody wants me to leave, lol. :) Once, my friend wanted me to stay longer than I planned to but he was so boring that I had to get out of there =p

Lies, you play Fuerte. I'd kick you out of my house even if I were beating you. At least I would have a legit reason to :D
 
So he was sleeping in your bed with you?

What happened to crashing on the couch?

Also, as other have said, if he overstayed his welcome it's up to you to let him know. If you don't and he sticks around eating all your fishsticks then you have no one to blame but yourself.
 
You just have to speak your mind son.

Sometimes my best friend asks if he can come over to hang out, and i just politely and honestly tell him "some other time bro" or something like that. He knows i like some time alone here and there.


But i can understand it sucks to have such a conversation, there is a chance it would damage the relation, just be clear.
 
As a person who likes his own space and privacy, I can sympathize with your situation. I have a friend who I've been friends with since before we can remember(before elementary school). I would consider him my best friend, but I do feel that he can overstay his welcome. I'll give you an example of how the usual night goes with the last time we hung out last week.

I had the house to myself since I came back earlier from camping, so I decided to invite him over. I told him to come over after the girl that I had at my house had to leave. We played some games for a bit then he decided to invite a couple of his friends over. I consented because I knew the guys. After they came over we went to the convenience store to get some snacks and energy drinks for a gaming night. we set up our recorder and recorded some Borderlands and MW3 gameplay. Overall it was a fun night and then it turned to 9 AM.

I was kind of tired like most normal people would be at this time, so I said I was going to bed and asked who was staying at my house so I could make arrangements. His two friends decided to go home. My friend normally just stays up for a bit more and crashes at my house. I go to get the ethernet cord, but my dad who came back from work earlier that morning locked the door to his bedroom, where my friend's ethernet cord for the xbox was plugged into the modem. He decides to stay and that seemed reasonable to me. After his friend's left I said good night while he stayed up playing games in my room. I always sleep in the guest bedroom because of this.

This is where the problem lies and I begin to feel he overstays his welcome. I rise out of bed with only 6 hours of sleep due to sunlight. I have nothing to do since my room where my computer, t.v, and pretty much all my entertainment is in the room he's sleeping in. Basically I'm just doing chores, yardwork, working out, and watching Seinfeld until he wakes up. The sky darkens and my dad is back at work, while I'm waiting downstairs watching random stuff on "K:". at 9 pm I break down and go into my room to grab my computer, and check up on him. He's sleeping and I poke him to wake him up and ask if he had to go home, because last time he got in trouble for staying too long. He says no and I bring down my tower.

I decided to not bring anything else down because I was watching Planet Earth. I go back up at 10 and he starts waking up for good. Relieved, I begin wrapping up his ethernet cord while he goes downstairs to the living room. I come back downstairs to get the cord out of my dad's room, and he's on his laptop. He's skyping to his friend from earlier about some LoL shit. I begin to realize he wants to stay another day and I quickly think of a way to indirectly tell him to go. I hand him his ethernet cord, but he doesn't really care to much and continues to Skype. I finally have to tell him that I have to get up early tomorrow to pick up my mom and sister at the campsite(I actually did). He finally gets it and packs up his xbox and stuff.

I like hanging out with him and stuff, but the time wasted on him getting him to leave makes me irritated. It's summer so I'm not too bummed out and it may be our last days of hanging out because I'm leaving for university. It was just really annoying during school days where he'd come on the weekend. This usually meant that my Saturday and Sunday was gone. Half of it was him sleeping or loafing around.
 
At least it was only 4 days. I think it was in 2008. Our cousins were moving up to the town I live in and they needed a place to stay, so they stayed with us. 6 people, 4 of them kids, for MONTHS! While I wasn't happy about it when it first happened, who would be happy about another family living in your house? I still liked my cousins and thought it could at least be fun. But god damn it! When you share a house with that many people with totally different attitudes it will drive you insane. I don't mind if you leave my discs out a few times but when it happens constantly after they've been there for months. Bah!
 
Wouldn't something like "Sorry mate, you're gonna have to go soon - I've got some stuff to do" work? Then if they ask what, just say "I want to tidy up, and I want some time to relax by myself". It's not rude, and it gets the point across.
 
So he was sleeping in your bed with you?

What happened to crashing on the couch?

Also, as other have said, if he overstayed his welcome it's up to you to let him know. If you don't and he sticks around eating all your fishsticks then you have no one to blame but yourself.

Circumstances man. Our house AC just died a few weeks ago, so the house is hot. I have a window AC in my room, my bro and his wife have been sleeping in the living room because it's cooler in there. So of course my cousin couldn't sleep in there room(not like he would anyways), so he slept in mine. The rest, I get it, I'm too soft or a pussy, whichever way you want to put it.

jgmintz, Wolf, thanks for the stories. It's interesting to hear other peoples perspectives on how they handled things and what is too far for them.

But anyways guys, like I said, it's the first time he's done this and I hope it's the only time. Or I will have to say things I don't want to say. My fear isn't damaging our relationship really, it's making him feel embarrassed, not just of me but also my bro and his wife and even my parents who occasionally come over every now and then(they were around for one of these 4 days). That's what I want to avoid if I can.
 
Maybe your bro and wife feel the same about you! Get your own life already! The plot thickens..
 
jgmintz, Wolf, thanks for the stories. It's interesting to hear other peoples perspectives on how they handled things and what is too far for them.

No probs. It's funny though. For me it was the littlest things. Those slight annoyances but over months they just drive you insane. It probably didn't help that I also went to the same school and got picked up after in the same car. If you can't get your space you'll probably end up hating anyone.
 
How is this a big issue for you, if you want alone time you just say "dude, out."

If you don't no one else is going to do it, i have tight bros who would easily put me up for a few weeks+ if i needed to, the guy is family 4 days with him is not the end of the world.
 
But anyways guys, like I said, it's the first time he's done this and I hope it's the only time. Or I will have to say things I don't want to say. My fear isn't damaging our relationship really, it's making him feel embarrassed, not just of me but also my bro and his wife and even my parents who occasionally come over every now and then. That's what I want to avoid if I can.

Don't forget to worry about yourself. If you spend too much time agonizing over the embarrassment it would cause him then you're just hurting yourself. He's a big boy, I bet he can take it.
 
I had a similar situation with my cousin. Treated him all his life into his 20s, but at one point I realized he didn't appreciate anything and if something bad happened to me he would always laugh. Got embarrassed at a party he'd laugh at me, got hurt while riding my bike( blood gushing out) he would laugh. Always suggested going out of town to eat or going to the movies never paying and even sometimes inviting a friend. And if the oppertunity to make fun of me ever presented itself he wouldnt hesitate to take advantage of it. He also had two brothers that had cars and made more money then me. I cut him off like 2 years ago and he finally got a job last year. My bank balance, which was always low or near zero, has been steadily increasing ever since.
 
Sucks, but you should've told him. YOu even said it was probably not ill-intended, and he just didn't know better.

And now that you've let him, if the situation comes up again later, he'll just say, " but you let me do it last time!". You gotta let him know! You can do it politely.
 
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