This is an old, old, old article I wrote a long time ago. But it does contain my worst game store experience. (By the way, I wrote this as an angry, angry teenager. I have since mellowed out considerably.)
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Funcoland: Putting the F-U in Fun
Remember those old commercials for Funcoland, back when the stores were first opening up? They were these cute little spots that went something like this:
Voice-over: This is how other stores feel about letting you try their games. (picture of hands blocking access to a stack of games) This is how we feel. (hands push mounds of games toward the viewer)
Voice-over: Funcoland: Bring home the fun.
And then there was the one that went like this:
Voice-over: This is how other stores feel about buying your used games. (picture of a door being shut by those same hands) This is how we feel. (picture of hand offering a large wad of cash, seedy-Italian-guy style)
Great ads, no? Short, simple, and to the point. Only problem with those was, they were complete and utter bullshit. Store employees didnt even attempt to adopt the façade of helpful employees that would gleefully let you try out video games while stripping off unmarked hundreds from their wad of dinero for that old copy of Clu Clu Land. Nope. Your typical Funcoland employee was, not to put too fine a point on it, an ignorant fuck. He (because invariably, he was male: Ive never ever seen a female working at any Funcoland) detested kids, especially when they wanted to play the video games that were set out, ostensibly for demonstration purposes. Thats why all Funcolands have master switches in the back that turn off all video game system displays: if kids start to play them, they can shut them off. I have seen this happen.
So what is the goal of the Funcoland employee? Simple. His job is to sell cleaning kits to ignorant parents. Really, what is the deal with those things? Hey, kids, heres an idea: dont let your fucking dogs chew on Zelda 64, and youll never ever have to clean it. Any game or system can be kept immaculate using only the crudest of cleaning techniques: put your games in the fucking BOX when youre done. The only system that ever needed to be cleaned was, of course, the NES, because that alcohol solution (thats right kids, theres alcohol in that little bottle! Try drinking it and youll feel grownup like Mommy and Daddy) helped the contacts connect once that godforsaken lock and load system had finally given out.
Not curiously, this is the exact same effect that just blowing on the cartridge would have. Of course, as Funco (who wanted to sell you $9.95 cleaning kits consisting of some rubbing alcohol and a sponge) and Nintendo (who wanted to sell you official $19.95 cleaning kits consisting of some rubbing alcohol, a sponge, and the Official Nintendo Seal of Quality) probably told you, blowing on your cartridges would cause them damage. What they didnt tell you is that basically if you blew on them for five years straight, a speck of rust might develop. What they did tell you is that if you poured their crap in a bottle on them, you would get laid.
Anyway, so cleaning kits are useless. Is this why they try to sell them so badly? Like, did the founder of the company, J.R. Funco, buy a whole bunch of alcohol and sponges back in 1989 and then realized that they were totally useless and that they needed to be sold by any diabolical means possible?
No.
The truth is much more interesting. As it turns out, three ounces of .001% benzene solution and a sponge are dirt cheap. Thats right, these things are Funcolands cash cow. Theyre pure profit. And to sweeten the deal, every Funcoland employee gets a serious commission for each one of these he sells, to the tune of $2.50 or so. And whats better, if the employee doesnt move enough of these things, theres a good chance that hell get the sack.
So hes got to move these things to whoever will buy them, which is usually dumbfuck parents and grandparents who, if you didnt catch the subtle dumbfuck above, havent a clue as to what they are doing. All they know is that little Billy wants Super Smack Brothers or something for the N64, and there it is, and how much is that, and thats pretty expensive for a used game, and no, yo no tengo a cleaning kit. And how does Funcoland move these things? Well, you dont know what kind of bad things have happened to used games before you buy them, and youll need to clean used games before you use them.
And look what theyre selling.
Perfect plan, no? Sure, they could clean used games before they sell them, but they might as well leave the mystery of the unknown bacterial substance and scare parents into buying a cleaning kit.
And you thought the Mafia used tough tactics. Speaking of which, where is that wad of cash, anyway? Well, its not going to you. All you get is store credit, and thats if they accept your stuff. Its like going through morning inspection at boot camp, not that I would know. The first thing theyll dock you for is not having the box or instructions for your game, which will get a few bucks knocked off the buy-back price. Sounds reasonable, until you realize that if you buy a game there without a box or instructions, the selling price stays firm. Ah, the good old double standard.
Even if you just go in there to buy games, get ready for a lot of pain. These people love mocking their customers. They live for it; its in their genetic makeup. I once stopped in a Funcoland to find Panzer Dragoon Zwei. As I was handing them money, a paying customer, the slimeball and his buddy proceeded to tag-team me:
Asshole: Hey, would you like to be a Fun Club member? You get a subscription to Game Informer.
Me: Im not interested.
Asshole: (Mock incredulity) Youre not interested in knowing whats going on in the video game industry?
Asshole #2: Naw, he likes reading all those magazines filled up with ads.
Exfuckingcuse me? Is this how you treat people who are paying your salary? I really just wanted to get the hell out of there, because how do you tell off people like that? How do you tell them that their magazine, being published by a video game retailer, is one gigantic ad? You dont.
By the way, have you ever noticed how you basically never find any good games in Funcoland? Ever wondered if there was one reason why? Interestingly enough, there is. At any point in time, if a Funcoland employee so desires, he can take a game off the shelf, label it with his name, and put it in a drawer, where it will sit indefinitely until such time as he wants to buy it. He can wait for the price to go down. And of course, since they get the new price sheets in early, he can do so without worry that it will go up. Youve got to admit, its a pretty sweet arrangement, except for the customers.
Anyway, Ive completely gone off track from the initial main point of this article, which was to tell a story about a recent visit to Funcoland that only reaffirmed my belief that it is Funcoland store policy for its employees to be greedy, conscienceless slimeballs. Lets see: it was around July 28, and Sega had begun sending Dreamcast demo units, complete with a trial version of Sonic Adventure, to video game outlets around the country. I was disappointed to not find one in Funcoland that morning, and looked around among the slim pickings left on the shelves by the staff. Soon, though, the three buddies of the guy who was working that day came in, and what do I hear but Hey guys
you wanna try the Dreamcast?
So, of course, the slimeball walks over to a locked metal case underneath an unplugged TV, and what do you know? Theres the demo DC unit, complete with the special Not For Resale version of Sonic, supplied to Funcoland by Sega, for free, on the understood condition that the DC would be available for the use of interested customers.
So why is it that Funcoland had taken this DC and reserved it for the exclusive use of employees and their buddies? Greed. Disgusting, slimy greed coupled with the absolute scumbag personality that would hide demo units from customers and keep it under lock and key, not even visible.
Sometimes I envision a new ad campaign for Funcoland.
Voice-over: This is how other stores feel about you. (Hand gives viewer the thumbs-up.)
Voice-over: This is how we feel. (A large ass appears at left, into which the hand forcibly inserts a baseball bat.)
Voice-over: Funcoland: If there was any fun here, wed have brought it home for ourselves by now.
