Financial counselor Howard Dvorkin once had a client who was, as he puts it, "a Mafia princess."
She was engaged to this guy who "must have been a brave man" because he used her credit cards to run up $125,000 in debt. "All of a sudden, the engagement vanished, and so did he."
Dvorkin didn't ask where.
Now that the holidays are over, happy couples across the country are celebrating their big Christmas gift: an engagement ring.
Sadly, half of these marriages will end in divorce, and the No. 1 reason is money woes. So if couples don't want to end up on the statistical junk heap, they need to find out just what kind of person they are marrying.
Especially regarding money.
"You have to be suspicious," says Dvorkin of Consolidated Credit Counseling Services in Fort Lauderdale. Like the mobster's daughter should have been.
But talking about money like talking about sex is one of the toughest things for people to do. When you're in the flush of true love, it's not particularly romantic to turn to your future life mate and say, "So, what's your credit score?"
Still, you should. And don't wait.
Your romantic courtship should be a financial courtship, as well. After all, you'll be merging resources and making financial decisions together from now on. You need to know what you're getting into.
"You should start communicating about money as soon as you think you might be in a serious relationship," says Carma Basinger, wealth manager at Rowland Carmichael Advisors in Scottsdale, Ariz.
Observe your future mate's behavior with money. Does he or she charge everything or save to pay with cash? Live beyond his or her means? Or is he or she too stingy?
"Is the other person generous and considerate about your feelings about money?" Basinger asks. "You can really tell a lot about a person by the way they treat someone else over money."
Start asking questions casually, then later, move in for the kill, the experts advise.
Early in a relationship, ask things such as:
Did you have a summer job in high school? Did you work to put yourself through college? No? You have school loans?
The answers will give you clues about their financial history. You'll find out if he or she earned money, spent it wisely or foolishly, or was trained to save early or not at all.
"You can't jump in with both feet," says Dvorkin of marriage. "You have to tiptoe in. Spend time together figuring out the financial goals of your significant other."
What was your life like growing up? Gently prod about how the family treated money.
"Was it used as a reward or a punishment, or was it never talked about?" Basinger says. "That's where you get to attitudes and fears, like the fear of not having enough money that leads to hoarding."
Do you own this condo and/or house and/or boat?
This can start a discussion about what you want to do one day, such as owning a home.
So things are going well. You've moved beyond dating to being a real couple. There's talk of the future. Someone drops the word "marriage."
Now it's time to get serious, sit down and "bare your financial souls," Basinger says. "You have to be willing to open up and share. If not, you've got problems to start with."
Pull out all the bank statements, checkbooks and credit reports. Get the tax returns and make sure they're being filed on a regular basis.
Ask your partner: "What are your current and future financial commitments?" Basinger says.
Is there alimony? Child support?
Have you ever filed for bankruptcy? Ever defaulted on a loan?
Do you want to buy a house soon? How soon? Are you investing in your 401(k)? What are your investments?
And a painful one for many: How much credit card debt do you have? Try not to gasp.
"You don't want to go to buy a house and find out your new husband's credit record is destroyed, and you can't even get a hotel room on his credit," Dvorkin says.
He suggests you meet with a financial planner to "take the pressure off" doing the questioning alone. "Sometimes it helps if there's a third party doing the asking."
Then, finally, the big question: Do we need a prenup?
Just the words "prenuptial agreement" make people quake. Deciding before marriage how you'll divvy up assets if you get divorced seems less than hopeful.
But prenups can be especially important if either party or both has a lot of money, real estate or an inheritance coming, or there are children from a previous marriage, Dvorkin says.
"It's the most unromantic, stressful thing you could ever get involved in," he says.
"Here I am in love, but someone is asking me to sign this 25-page document that really tells me, 'Yeah, I'm in love with you, but ...' "
He recommends doing it a year before the wedding, so it's over and done with before the stress of the ceremony gets in the way.
"Remember: Love is blind," he says. "Except when it comes to money."
