Wolf Dawgz
Member
Been feeling angry lately. Nothing just seems to be going right. Feel stuck in my situation and my anger wants me to do extreme things to get out.
Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
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Sorry I've not got back to you guys sooner! I appreciate the time you guys have taken to respond, so thank you.
I've been getting quite far with music, and I've so far managed to remain quite motivated to do it. It's just with animation or art my motivation has vanished quite heavily, despite wanting to do it. I almost have a fear of not living up to my steep expectations, and I'd hate to see my skill level diminished.
As for your post, what job do you do if you don't mind me asking? I'm terribly sorry things haven't been working out recently for you and your partner, but hopefully you're on the right track with the medication and that she gets better.
I need to have confidence I'm still capable of doing the work first, and then I'm hoping things will start to fall into place. There are times I get into a natural high whilst doing something creative, but it's a very rare occurance nowadays. After a while I start to lose the motivation when I return to it, even if I know what needs to be done.
I agree with what you said in how I should view the animation course, so hopefully I can get into that mindset. I will sadly be under some pressure though, since I'd have to properly commit to doing it and thus leave my job. Whilst the prospect of leaving my job is a nice one to think about, I'm worried about whether I will be able to get a new job after I've completed the course.
Perhaps ask my boss if it would be possible to return? I'm not entirely sure if such a thing is feasible, but it would be great to have a backup if I can't get a creative job straight away.
I've tried making artificial deadlines, but there's less negative outcomes to not achieving things in time, aside from being stuck in a job I don't like of course...
Anyway I'm glad it's working for you, and I hope you can keep it up!
I definitely agree. It's hard to remain motivated with a job, it's certainly not easy at all. That sounds really cool! I'd love to be able to make games, and I hope it goes somewhere for you. How long have you been doing it for?Hey, it's cool - nobody replied to me either
I wish I could give you some good advice, but all I can say is what's working for me at the moment. I struggle with being motivated for my job because it takes so much out of me and it doesn't 'feel' authentic a lot of the time. What I've done to motivate myself is take up a hobby which I take seriously. So I devote - almost militaristically - time during the week to learning how to code and make games. It's kind of an 'escape plan' and reminds me that there's more to life than work. I also set myself time tables, so I'm on a 1,000 day plan at the moment! I'm taking stock in 3 years and seeing how I feel. Hopefully by then I'll be financially more secure and able to re-evaluate how to spend my life.
Hope that helps a bit.
I've been getting quite far with music, and I've so far managed to remain quite motivated to do it. It's just with animation or art my motivation has vanished quite heavily, despite wanting to do it. I almost have a fear of not living up to my steep expectations, and I'd hate to see my skill level diminished.
As for your post, what job do you do if you don't mind me asking? I'm terribly sorry things haven't been working out recently for you and your partner, but hopefully you're on the right track with the medication and that she gets better.
I suppose I do have a tendency to put too much pressure onto myself, so I'll try and do what you said.
I need to have confidence I'm still capable of doing the work first, and then I'm hoping things will start to fall into place. There are times I get into a natural high whilst doing something creative, but it's a very rare occurance nowadays. After a while I start to lose the motivation when I return to it, even if I know what needs to be done.
I agree with what you said in how I should view the animation course, so hopefully I can get into that mindset. I will sadly be under some pressure though, since I'd have to properly commit to doing it and thus leave my job. Whilst the prospect of leaving my job is a nice one to think about, I'm worried about whether I will be able to get a new job after I've completed the course.
Perhaps ask my boss if it would be possible to return? I'm not entirely sure if such a thing is feasible, but it would be great to have a backup if I can't get a creative job straight away.
With deadlines it's probably one of the best methods, but when you're not working to a deadline it's harder. I certainly said the same thing to me during college, and for the most part it did seem to help.
I've tried making artificial deadlines, but there's less negative outcomes to not achieving things in time, aside from being stuck in a job I don't like of course...
Anyway I'm glad it's working for you, and I hope you can keep it up!
This sounds a lot like me right now. If I don't want to punch everything I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. The best I could figure out was looking at buying a Neo Geo Pocket Color to add to my collection to cheer me up, but then I'd feel guilty about spending money and not having the space to really build up my collection anyways.
Last couple of days haven't been very good for me.
Femmeworth
Banned
Does anyone here have experience with intensive outpatient programs? Usually they are for chemical dependency, but some places have programs for depression. My psychologist thinks it might be good for me. Seeing someone once a week isn't cutting it.
I don't care about getting anything done anymore. Failing or not getting a grade doesn't scare me anymore, so I've got no motivation to do anything. I have a short paper (500 words) to write, and I can't bring myself to read the material. I don't know how to break out of this.
It was. I made an inquiry to TDM about whether we could move it back into regular OT as it serves its role much, much better where people can actually see it and the move got approved.
Of course Smelly would try to take the credit for getting it moved back to OT.
But I actually DID send TDM a PM about it... :lol
anyway, that's not the point. It's here because it's much better in a place where people can see it when they need it.
MisterLuffy
Member
I wish I had the verbal communication like CM Punk or The Rock from wrestling. When I talked to my cousin today when he and my older brother picked me up from class today, I stuttered or couldn't find the words in what I wanted to say. I wish I had the brains like my instructor who teaches C programming. He's smart. His explanation and vocabularies are on point.
My older brother and my cousin wanted me to start watching Game of Thrones, I only watched the first episode, However, I didn't grasp the story of it nor the characters. It's hard to put so much focus in the story and the characters. It's like watching the Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, didn't grasp the story in depth. Nor the characters themselves. I feel like looking at wikipedia to understand the story more, but I don't want to spoil myself.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
Binged, as in binged drinking? Be careful White Man. I don't know what meds you were taking exactly, but don't self medicate.
spacehippo
Neo Member
I think we all wish we could talk like CM Punk, and I could definitely use The Rock's physique! haha. The thing to keep in mind with verbal communication though, is that it's not so much something you have or don't have, but like anything is a skill which you can develop. If we are going with the wrestling line of thought CM Punk's interviews have come a long way since before he was in WWE. So for everybody verbal communication is a thing that improves over time.
The important thing is not to get discouraged because you didn't say exactly what you want. Just keep trying to put yourself out there and you'll get better and learn something from each interaction. It doesn't need to be perfect. The more you do it, the more that quickness that your C programming teacher has will come to you.
If you are struggling for something to say ask people open questions about themselves (people love to talk about themselves xD) and it takes the pressure off you because they will do more of the talking.
If you'd like to improve your vocabulary, try reading aloud that will improve your vocabulary, and at the same time help with the verbal communication where you'll feel more relaxed. Also talking into a mirror can help just to get more comfortable with getting your thoughts out loud. The important thing is to talk and put yourself out there as much as you can.
That's OK. I'm not a big Game of Thrones fan myself. (I get a bit lost with all the different characters and settings to be honest!) Find something that you like to do that maybe your brother and yourself could bond over and talk about
Listening to music, struggling to fall asleep because of the kick I get from my Celexia and gaffing. You?
You take anything for it?
For me, it's the weather. All that rain and wind is tanking my mood. That and my train wreck of a life.
been on drugs forever and ever. which have mostly served me well. recent times have just been difficult in big ways. some philosophical existential crises and blahhhhh blah blah. blah. etc.
jb. i hear you. this weather has always sucked.
I know the feeling. My meds work well enough but they'll never prevent me from thinking about shit that pushes me to that edge, ya know
Yup. Sun was nice today though, yeah?
God. I started taking Prozac a week ago and it hasn't really kicked in yet. Might need a higher dose. Just angry and emotional all the freakin' time.
spacehippo
Neo Member
What kind of things did you see on the hike? (need to remind myself to go on a big trek, but there;s not much in the way of scenery here) haha
Hang in there man, focus on the good stuff and try to get some rest if you can.
well SPACEHIPPO ill try to narrow it down.
i was hiking through temperate rainforest in the pacific northwest. everything pretty much looks like endor. the ground as far as you can see it (vertical) is covered in ferns and moss. as we got higher up, we started walking into a layer of cloud .. this place i was at is apparently one of the few spots where the cascade mountain range hits directly on the west coast. as we got higher it got more of a dark misty vibe. it was pretty dope. pretty spooky. it was the middle afternoon but it was dark and fogged in. we (after several hours) got to the top, which is like a big spiky cliffy type scenario. from this viewpoint one is supposed to be able to look west out into the absolute ocean and see the san juan islands (a beautiful pac nw island group). but when we got there we were in a cloud. i walked out to the edge. there was a fierce wind blowing this cloud up from the see. i was on the edge of the cliff staring out into this howling white nothing void. it was the highlight of the trip, for me. a few minutes later the clouds blew off and i could see the islands, i could see the gold banded ocean, i could see Anarcortes WA and the ships going from it out into the pacific - it was pertty wild.
What's up, I had been diagnosed with clinical depression and bipolar 2 in September lasting all the way until end of November. I lost about 22 pounds and never left my house.. Was always crying for absolutely no reason (which is unlike me, friends and family would say I'm a mentally tough guy). I was put on Seraquil which I absolutely hated, then onto Depakote. Still using the Depakote months later and I love it. Slows my racing thoughts and helps me sleep + gets me out of the shitty mood I was constantly in. With the depression also came a horrible case of anxiety that I still have a problem with to this day. I can't begin to tell you the medical bills I have racked up going to the ER because I thought something was wrong with me night in and night out. I guess I kind of became a hypochondriac. Lately though this has improved and haven't visited an ER in 2 months or so.
spacehippo
Neo Member
That sounds awesome. It must be great to see the really thick rain forest with the clouds. To look out over everything like that must be a really memorable experience.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
Instead, try taking a walk, talk to people you know or on the mumble/IRC channel, write, punch something (nondestructive), exercise, create art, etc.
What had been going on prior to your diagnosis?
It's good to hear you're making progress. Is Depakote the only medication you're on?
Omegasquash
Member
Went for a bit myself. Was drinking pretty heavily for awhile, and it was consistent. Never got into any trouble or hit bottom, but wanted to surround myself with what I thought were like minded people and learn how to come to grips.
If you think you're an alcoholic, then go. You'll learn right quick whether you are or aren't, I think. It'll be key to not drink for awhile, so be ready to stop cold. It'll give you some clarity of mind and at the very least help you single out if there's something else going on. Which there may well be. You'll hear it more than once if you go that "alcohol isn't the disease, it's a symptom of the disease." For me, it helped to isolate the deeper problem and address it.
Also, don't let the concept of God (which is pretty heavily used) scare you if you're not religious or a believer...a decent group is welcoming no matter what and won't try to convert you. They will ACCEPT you.
I've actually managed to keep up with doing something that requires effort. I said at the beginning of the year that I'd write something every week, and I've managed to keep it going. Most of them have been either rambling bollocks or deal with startup-y topics, so I haven't bothered to share them, but this week I got to "H for Hope" and wrote a bit about identifying depression in myself and my (rather brief) experience with psychiatric drugs.
Well, I'm pretty sure I am one. Saw a therapist for awhile but I didn't feel like it was helping. Met another one who prescribed some lamotrigine, but I'm not sure if it is/was having any effect.
No idea what initially started it. I was depressed quite a bit for my first 3 years in the military and drank heavily. I'm almost positive this is mostly just the remnants of that habit and having trouble breaking it. I don't feel depressed now - my life is pretty decent, so I'm not really sure what's going on in my head.
I'm not really worried about not being accepted, but yeah, as someone who isn't a believer any more it has rather prevented me from going in the past. There's a meeting nearby called "We Agnostics" that I may take a look at.
Collete
Member
This week has been a mess. But I'll get through it...another painting, but this one isn't good:
Ask and ye shall receive.
Passing through Twilight
Ok this is not my best work I realize that.
Theres no excuse for not having a good quality painting, so I will try harder next week to get a better painting up.
But I hope this is good enough for this week at any rate.
Ask and ye shall receive.
Passing through Twilight
Ok this is not my best work I realize that.
Theres no excuse for not having a good quality painting, so I will try harder next week to get a better painting up.
But I hope this is good enough for this week at any rate.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
saved the life of one of my siblings, no bullshit.
Omegasquash
Member
I can't speak to the medication part, though the fact that you've seen a therapist and have actively sought out others is fantastic...demonstrates control, which is something that you need to have.
And whatever kicked it off kicked it off...regardless of whether it's there anymore. I'd wager that without the alcohol you'd have a demon or two to fight, but the opposite could also be true. Minus the chemical satisfaction you're getting, there could be a vacuum. One bad thing got replaced by another, but there will still be a hole if you take alcohol away. That hole is the problem. At least that's what they'll say in a meeting, and I don't think they're far from the truth, if not hitting it spot on.
Break it down like this...I don't drink heavily anymore. I stop myself because I feel like if I let myself have a second, I'll have a third and fourth and so on. It slips every now and then, but not nearly what it used to be. I got control of my drinking by addressing the underlying self esteem issues that I was covering up, and when I look back on it, the drinking didn't do anything but make me feel like less of a man anyway. Stopping drinking for around 6 months altogether was definitely good for my liver, but when I focused just on not drinking, it still kept that hole in me open, and it got bigger. When I started filling that hole with all the good stuff about myself, and let other people fill it too, things got better. It's never totally better...you keep your scars and you know very well how you got them and that's not exactly pleasant, but you keep moving forward and upward one day at a time (which you'll also hear lots of).
I can't wish you enough luck if you choose to go (I definitely recommend it though). It's a rough road, but the more you walk it the more familiar you are with it and the easier it gets. There'll be bad days (really, really bad days) and if they get to you...OK. Tomorrow is another day. Take it for what it is.
Any update is a good one Collete.
Friend just linked this to me. My goodness my vibes are going strong to start this day.
Well, the nice thing is that I have a wife who is very supportive. I always feel like shit when I drink and I just feel like I disappoint her.
The strange thing is that when I go out to drink with friends, I'm totally fine. One, maybe two drinks, and I'm perfectly fine with ordering Diet coke or water for the rest of the night. It's probably because I feel like I don't want to embarrass myself in front of friends.
My problem is that I get the urge to drink at home alone, and that's when I get stupid. I've gotten better at least to not black out, but it still makes me occasionally stupid and embarrassing.
Hey Femmeworth,
I posted about my most recent experience with intensive outpatient therapy last month. I haven't been posting much, so it should be able to find some of the junk I wrote about my experience.
I've done two different programs, actually. The first, several years back, was focused on CBT skills. It was 2 weeks, 3 half days a week. I liked it alright at the time, but I've met a ton of people who have gone through it and have since soured on it a bit. I learned valuable stuff, but CBT now strikes me as...I don't even know what to say. I almost said "a more advanced technique," but that's not it. The second program was just more focused on very practical things, whereas CBT is a bit...cerebral? I dunno.
Anyway, I recently finished 10 days of full time Interpersonal and Social Rhythm Therapy. It was really fantastic. I recommended it to a friend in town and she is starting on my birthday (itiscomingup *coughcough*). I'm super excited for her.
I think the basic idea is to find out what programs are available and really think about what you need. Your regular therapist should be helpful here. So CBT really helps with negative thought patterns, Interpersonal Therapy deals with big transitions in your life and how you relate to others, Social Rhythm Therapy is about structuring your time, identifying things that make your mood better/worse. There are other kinds, too, or programs designed for men, women, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, etc. So you find a therapeutic approach, diagnosis, or group that seems most appropriate.
I'm happy to talk with you about any of my experiences with this stuff, Femmeworth. We can talk here, or drop me a line and we can find time to talk.
Omegasquash
Member
Literally the same drinking pattern that I had. Totally fine in public, under control, the whole ball of wax. Also pretty much the same with the wife. She was supportive but also worn out as we had a baby, she has a tough job and frankly I think she just wanted me to get my shit together. Don't blame her at all, honestly.
Don't beat yourself up for trying, don't beat yourself up for failing in an attempt, either. Every day is an attempt, and eventually every day becomes an opportunity too. Be thankful for your wife though...a supportive person in your life can help guide you to your purpose, whether or not you've found it yet.
I've tried resorting to writing (a hobby that I enjoy) as some sort of outlet for my anger at myself for the alcoholism, and it somewhat helps. It at least gives me something to do other than drink. The Creative Writing thread has been a fantastic way for me to at least get some time away from the booze (though obviously not completely). My most recent submission was hugely influenced by my alcoholism.
I even wrote my NaNoWriMo story about a very exaggerated version of my time in Georgia dealing with my descent into alcoholism. I suppose someday I should finish it.
I even wrote my NaNoWriMo story about a very exaggerated version of my time in Georgia dealing with my descent into alcoholism. I suppose someday I should finish it.
Well, if you ever want anyone to take a gander, I'd be happy to!
MisterLuffy
Member
The conversations between me and my older brother and my cousin are always short. Same goes for other people I talk to in my class. I don't feel like trying anymore.
Now, I'm really angry for the fact that I was supposed to meet with my counselor to talk about my lack of verbal communication and other stuff. The guy told me she wasn't there, I specifically told him what counselor I've wanted, and he gave me the wrong one. She went on vacation, and now I have to wait three weeks to talk to her again. I told the guy it's okay, but on the inside I was angry. Because of that, I can't focus on anything.
sure. i guess i'd like some feedback from some different people. i generally have a hard time sharing my writing, however..
No pressure! I do propose coming to the Creative Writing threads though. A lot of fun and helpful critiques.
spacehippo
Neo Member
I know the feeling. It can be hard to try when other people won't work with you. If you only tried every so often though, it would be a big benefit and would improve things a lot. Ask people about their interests. Or things you wouldn't ordinarily talk to that person about. So if you talk to your brother about sports all the time for example, ask him about the news or music. Just every so often, try and branch out the conversation as best you can.
That's understandable to be angry especially when counselors (at least here) are pretty tough on people if they miss an appointment.. Try not to dwell on it too much, and do something which relaxes you if you can.
EverythingShiny
Member
jb and coldvein, I take it you're in the Seattle area? I moved here less than 2 years ago and I'm still trying to get used to the weather. 
Oh well, at least I have some good Vitamin D pills.
I don't have any experience with AA, but I did go to Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meetings for nearly a year, which is a spinoff from AA. I echo what Omegasquash said about not letting religion scare you. I'm not religious and I felt very comfortable in both ACA groups I attended. The groups did more for me than years of therapy. People in both groups (one was a regular book study/discussion group, the other was a women-specific group) were so supportive and non-judgmental. It was pretty incredible.
Oh well, at least I have some good Vitamin D pills.I don't have any experience with AA, but I did go to Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) meetings for nearly a year, which is a spinoff from AA. I echo what Omegasquash said about not letting religion scare you. I'm not religious and I felt very comfortable in both ACA groups I attended. The groups did more for me than years of therapy. People in both groups (one was a regular book study/discussion group, the other was a women-specific group) were so supportive and non-judgmental. It was pretty incredible.
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