I'd still like to reply to this. It's absolutely not about whether you did the right thing or not, so I hope you're not offended if I use your story as a springboard to more general thoughts. If you are, my apologies.
A forum is a pretty inconvenient way to give proper advice on whether people should end their relationship or not, or whether they should have ended it sooner. Sometimes it's clear cut if somebody should have done that (abused wife divorcing her drunk asshole husband?), but a lot of the time it isnt. And in you case it's completely impossible to paint a properly nuanced image of how your five year long relationship was. With all of the things you're proud of, all of her insecurities, and the thousand other aspects that have played a role in you two being together.
But that also means that it's impossible for us (lay-men to your relationship) to properly judge what you should've done. And if all we can base our judgment on (which you didn't ask for) is the negative stuff (which was more tangible in your first post, given that the theme of your post was broken trust), some people came up with a negative reply. Without the positive ins and outs of the relationship (which you know about) it's hard for anybody to say something. I'm not blaming anyone for anything. But when I was reading that I also thought "Septimius should have gotten out sooner." It's only now I realize I'm in no position to say anything about that.
That is why it is important to reserve judgement. We might all have them, but to not voice them at inappropriate times is what is key. It is also important to then see that if I wanted judgement, I would've done a better job portraying just how happy we were, or just how amazing she was, or what I did wrong. I didn't, because I'm a frail guy that was broken up with by, as of so far, the love of his life. I wrote it on request, so it should be seen in context of that.
Which brings me to the next dilemma (that isn't related to you per se) but, when can friends tell their friends they should end a relationship?
Never. Friends can talk with their friends about their concerns, but no one is entitled to make such a decision but them. I'm helping a girl I know through a break-up with what I can obviously see is a futile relationship, but the more I try to tell her that, the more polarizing it will be. Instead I tell her I understand the pain. When she gets broken down about the situation, she told me she also feels shame, because everyone around her has no empathy for the fact that she's hung up on him. I told her it's nothing to be ashamed of, and instead shared my sympathies. Then I could ask her instead "how do you feel about the fact that he broke up the exact same heart-breaking way for the second time, now?" instead of forcing an "objective" - with huge emphasis on the quotes here - conclusion on her. When it's not her conclusion, it will not be comprehended by her mind. She might force herself to think "this is obvious" and then not be able to understand her residual pain.
We cannot allow yourselves to disrupt someone's rationale from their feelings like this. We need to be there for each other and help them through it, no matter how close.
A really good female friend of mine has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for two years now. They've been fighting ever since they got together. They're great for eachother, and they're the worst for eachother. She's the most persistent person I know, and so is he. They love each other a lot, and they will probably never stop fighting for it.
But I've seen her have a complete mental breakdown three times. Once when we were on vacation together, she pretty much cried for three days straight. Another time, with three other close friends, she burst into tears out of nowhere and that didn't stop for the enitre evening. He took away her possiblity to be with some of her best friends, some of whom were the most important people in her life. She looks completely miserable and doesn't have any energy for anything. Seeing her this way is really hard. And knowing that she's never gonna give up on trying is even harder (all of her other friends feel this way). Now, are we in a position to tell her that she should break up? That she's doing the wrong thing, and that her greatest strength (her persistence) is killing her?
We don't know what makes her love him. We might know, but we can't feel. And the fact that she does feel so strongly for him makes her unable to see that she's doing the wrong thing (in our eyes).
I don't think it's ever right to judge that, and that's not because I've been in a situation where two of my best friends pretty much gave me an ultimatum getting back together with my ex, I say it because I can be concerned, but I can't judge that. I can talk with a friend I think is in a destructive relationship and ask them how they feel about the relationship. Likely, they have a lot of thoughts around the negative parts of the relationship. I very often contemplated if I could stand having a girlfriend that would attack me if I said anything she could take as criticism. If a friend said "aren't you arguing a bit much?", I'd be nonplussed and likely hide away my doubts, and instead say something like "sure, it's not great, but I'm working for us to get through it, and everything else is amazing". If you get them to open up, instead, you might've heard me say "I don't know if I can stay with her if it keeps up", which would open a very straight, but not offensive in any way question "when does it come to that?", because many push that threshold in front of them, and they'll have to think that one through. Through reflection can you create insight. Not by lecturing. Not on such a matter.
On the other hand, I'm ashamed to say I've told my best friend to break up with his current girlfriend a couple of years ago, because she was also bad for him. Then. Now they're living together, he's the happiest he's ever been. So is she. I'm pretty sure they're gonna get married, have awesome kids and be the most perfect couple that ever existed.
Because people do change, no matter how many times House says the contrary.
So, when is any outside party capable of giving any sort of judgment on the relationship of one of their friends?
Talk, say how you feel, reflect, discuss. Empathize, endure and trust. And ultimately,
Let it settle itself
And Septimius, I'd also like to say that I greatly admire your empathy for the very thing that broke you guys up. And again, I know you said to drop the subject, but I hope this didn't offend you in any way. Especially since it wasn't about your specific situation.
Thank you. I don't mind talking about it, I just felt I was very hurt when people commented on what I should have done. Mostly because it implies my girlfriend wasn't worth the time. But she was. Because think about it. That's what they're saying. As I've said before, I handle things well. I reflect when I need to, I move past things when I can, and I ask for others when in need. I've spoken to so many about so many aspects of this, I am doing very good. But I never asked for any advice on that, so I felt a need to rebuke the posts all together. The posts hurt me, and I wanted to be clear about why, and also not be hurt. For I didn't share it to receive criticism on that, so I wanted to voice my concerns on such an abrasive way of nearly thrusting their tangental opinion upon someone that does get what's going on. I can take criticism, but I can't stand it when people allow themselves to step into a situation only to, maybe not even realizing it themselves, say very hurtful things about my ex, especially since it should be very clear how irrelevant such a meaning is when looking at the context.
I do not mind discussing any aspect of it. If you ask me what I think about having having trusted her after everything she did, for only it to end the way it did, I'd tell you how extremely proud and happy I am I did it, and kept my belief in mankind and saw that when you dare place your vulnerable parts into the hands of someone that hasn't been able to take care of them before, they'll do
everything in their power to earn the trust you just gave them. They won't abuse it again. I am so extremely lucky to have seen that, and to remain with a faith that everyone is allowed to fuck up. To err is human, the rest of the quote notwithstanding.
I think my second post was more chastising. That was because there was then a much more clear violation of my sphere. I was not OK with being hurt after sharing something so intimate. If people do that, they'll plant a fear that when they do share intimate things, they might end up getting hurt from it.
But it releases tons of good hormones that will make you feel more content. Doing leg-day kind of late in the day always has me nice and drowsy when I go to bed, feeling good.
" could work, or well, a whole ton of various stuff.