Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.

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Bagels said:
More buzz about the ability of IV ketamine to rapidly reverse the symptoms of depression:

UK Study

Press release

Two vice articles:

here

A patient describes a personal experience with ketamine treatments

This study tries to address some of the consequences of repeated IV infusions of the drug. The antidepressant effects are rapid, but not particularly long-lived, so it's a real concern.

Who knows where these studies are going. They've slowly picked up a bit of steam recently, and they've gained a good deal of public attention. The big problem is that ketamine is both a clinically useful medication and a popular drug of abuse (isn't that true of all the best stuff?). The need for regular IV infusions and the risk of diversion into the illegal drug trade means you're not going to be sent home with a prescription for ketamine any time soon. But there hasn't been much genuinely new thought in the lucrative antidepressant market for quite some time now. I have to imagine that, as new studies come out, showing a great deal of promise, drug companies are working on some kind of oral form of the drug with less potential for abuse. Who knows what the timeline for that looks like, but the idea of genuinely new thought in the field is very exciting. Even if ketamine is restricted to the inpatient setting, for patients in mental health crisis, the idea of something that can rapidly reverse the symptoms of depression is a game-changer.
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Thanks for posting this. I have actually semi-successfully used a similar drug, methoxetamine, to help with my depression, issues with motivation, and opiate addiction. It started off very, very well when I used it medicinally and therapeutically, but without any supervision it is just so easy to get carried away. It is so helpful, but far too recreational. I could write for days on how it helped me, but only when I made an effort to better myself did it work in this manner. I could not resist the urge to get high.

I also helped a friend who had similar issues (MUCH worse though, medication has unfortunately done her more harm than good, and she has tried many things), and since I have more drug knowledge than her, I was able to keep a good eye on her dosage and her progress, and it went very well. She no longer lives around me though, and has gone back into a dark place, unfortunately.

While I am no doctor and should not be doing things like this, I feel there is incredible potential behind drugs like this that needs to be looked into.
 
I've been prescribed 100mg of Zoloft. Can anyone tell me what to expect? I've never been on medication before. Will I throw up(if so I would not fulfill the prescription)? Is taking it a good idea or a mistake?
 
eddfromtheriver said:
Hi there TuckingFypo (cool username BTW), welcome to our little haven.
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Thanks! :)

ImpassionateGods said:
I've been prescribed 100mg of Zoloft. Can anyone tell me what to expect? I've never been on medication before. Will I throw up(if so I would not fulfill the prescription)? Is taking it a good idea or a mistake?
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I'm on the exact same dosage of this, though I originally started on 50mg. Nausea is one of the side effects, but I don't think it's very common. I've been on it for maybe 2-3 years now, and can't remember ever throwing up as a result of it.

Do you suffer from insomnia at all? I've had trouble sleeping long before I ever started taking it, but now my body clock is totally screwed up. Early college days can suck for me because of this. I have also heard of people that have slept better while taking it.

As for whether it's a good idea or not, I do not think there is a correct answer for this. For myself, the answer is a definite yes. I know that I couldn't cope with out it. If I forget to take it, I become agitated and can come across as a total prick and/or a nervous wreck. For other people, it may have no effect on them at all.

Hopefully I haven't put you off too much here. Sorry if I have. I think it's worth trying, however, if you find that it's not effective or are suffering from side effects, you could always talk to your Doctor about trying something else.
 
ImpassionateGods said:
I've been prescribed 100mg of Zoloft. Can anyone tell me what to expect? I've never been on medication before. Will I throw up(if so I would not fulfill the prescription)? Is taking it a good idea or a mistake?
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On the same dosage of zoloft, first medication as well. My doc started me out at 50mg for about 4 weeks and then bumped me up to 100mg two weeks ago. First day I was drowsy and had some nausea and a couple days after that my anxiety was through the roof, mostly over the actual taking of the pill lol. After that, other than a little sleeplessness, its been really smooth and I'm starting to feel really great. Its different for everyone though.

Just don't be too worried about taking an anti-depressant, if you need it its going to help. Just keep an eye on your thoughts and feelings and if you don't do well on it after a few weeks try a new one until you find what works for you. Good luck :)
 
I'm not really experiencing anything right now, but what is it like to go through the process of therapy, and getting medication etc?

I went to an on campus Health centre before, and went to group therapy, but not sure if it helped.

I just don't really have much experience at interacting with institutions and medical professionals if a time arises where I feel like I'd need to.
 
Long time gaf member here. Just chiming in to say, I'm a long time panic attack, anxiety, depression sufferer. I am 31 and have been dealing with all this since I was about 16. Some years are easier then others. Some years require therapy. Some medicine. Some nothing. I had a good wrap on things for a few years. I was in great shape, lowest wieght I have ever been, etc. Then I took a job overseas in Afghanistan. I had to come home for surgery. Found my then gf cheating upon coming home. Ever since then my anxiety and depression came back and harder then ever. That was about 2 or so years ago now. Im still dealing with crippling panic and depression. This last week, for the first 4 days, I just worked, came home, and went to sleep. I started killing all my social media accounts. I even deleted my 8 year YouTube account that had over 7000 subs. I was hitting rock bottom. Luckily my fiancee helped me recover and also helped me recover my stuff online to some extent. The scary part is I totally feel stupid for making all these decisions while depressed, yet when I was in that dark moment. My judgement could not see. As if in a thick fog. It's truly scary what mental issues.can put people through. I am currently on Zoloft. It seems to help with the panic moments. My point is, taking to others, seeking help, and trying to overcome your issues is absolutely worth the trouble. I am a huge advocate for people doing so and will always offer any advice or guidance I can to other folks with these problems. One of the best things to remember is, your not alone in suffering, but your also not alone in dealing with the issues. If anyone ever needs to chat, I'm simply a pm away. My doors are open.
 
Was prescribed 30mg mirtazapine yesterday.
Took my first one around 9pm last night, went to bed when I felt sleepy at about 10pm, slept until 12pm today, and still feel shattered.

At least so far I know they're doing something. Have to wait and see how they help with the depression aspect.
 
Windam said:
I know the feeling... I'm a shitty person.
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No matter how badly you see yourself now, keep in mind that you are, as of this moment, not thinking clearly about anything. A 'shitty person' wouldn't realise that they were indeed 'shitty' or even if they would they would not contemplate dying over it because they wouldn't give a shit. I've been through what you are going though. It's a difficult and a horrific place to be but what you are feeling is, frankly, not real.

If you want to talk, PM me. But even if you don't, close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths. Don't think about anything, just turn off your mind and rest like that for a while. It'll help you to clear your mind a bit.
 
So much hate against myself, I just want to punch myself or bash my head against the wall every damn time I begin to think about all the wasted years and opportunities. I can't even think about anything that lies in my future, because I've already fucked that up too, thanks to all these years I was just petrified by my depression, anxiety and social ineptitude.

My life right now is just a stupid charade, as if I'll ever become a productive member of society, I should just call it a day and choose a bridge to jump from, there are plenty around where I live. But alas there's still that silly little glimpse of completely unrealistic hope dangling in front of my eyes, that maybe one day, I'll be able to live by myself in a shitty appartment with a shitty job and enjoy doing things that used to make me happy 10 years ago. Maybe I'll even be able to talk to people longer than 30s without a trembling voice or without beginning to sweat and blush. Or maybe I'll even meet a woman one day that would like to share some part of her life with me, which sounds extremely silly to me, just even thinking about it.

But all things considered, if my parents and my brother weren't here anymore, I would've ended it a long time ago, but I just can't do that to them, it would be devastating. Even losing someone like me, that manages to say 10 words per day and that is as happy and lively as a zombie.
 
Bagels said:
More buzz about the ability of IV ketamine to rapidly reverse the symptoms of depression:

UK Study

Press release

Two vice articles:

here

A patient describes a personal experience with ketamine treatments

This study tries to address some of the consequences of repeated IV infusions of the drug. The antidepressant effects are rapid, but not particularly long-lived, so it's a real concern.

Who knows where these studies are going. They've slowly picked up a bit of steam recently, and they've gained a good deal of public attention. The big problem is that ketamine is both a clinically useful medication and a popular drug of abuse (isn't that true of all the best stuff?). The need for regular IV infusions and the risk of diversion into the illegal drug trade means you're not going to be sent home with a prescription for ketamine any time soon. But there hasn't been much genuinely new thought in the lucrative antidepressant market for quite some time now. I have to imagine that, as new studies come out, showing a great deal of promise, drug companies are working on some kind of oral form of the drug with less potential for abuse. Who knows what the timeline for that looks like, but the idea of genuinely new thought in the field is very exciting. Even if ketamine is restricted to the inpatient setting, for patients in mental health crisis, the idea of something that can rapidly reverse the symptoms of depression is a game-changer.
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I've used Ketamine to trip quite a few times, it's probably the chillest trip there is because the very first thing you notice before the trip even hits is that all anxiety that you've just taken a large dose of Ketamine completely leaves you. It's just a total anxiety free trip for the most part and quite fun. Although I still prefer super high doses of mushrooms, mesacaline or DMT (smoked) for the best most intense and enlightening trips.

But yeah, could totally see how it could be useful for treating depression obviously. Same with MDMA really.

This is for you Bagels, might open your mind if your open-minded enough to possibly another way of thinking about "mental illness". Listen to the whole thing if you've got the time.

Here's an excerpt:

We are living in a world where deviant opinions about religion are no longer dangerous, because no one takes religion seriously, and therefore you can be like Bishop Pike and question the doctrine of the Holy Trinity, the reality of the virgin birth, and the physical ressurection of Jesus, and still remain a bishop in good standing. But what you can't get away with today, or at least you have great difficulty in getting away with is psychiatric heresy. Because psychiatry is taken seriously, and indeed, I would like to draw a parallel between today and the Middle Ages in the respect of this whole question.

When we go back to the days of the Spanish Inquisition, we must remember that the professor of theology at the University of Seville has the same kind of social prestige and intellectual standing that today would be enjoyed by the professor of pathology at Stanford Medical School. And you must bear in mind that this theologan, like the professor of pathology today, is a man of good will. Intensely interested in human welfare. He didn't merely opine; that professor of theology KNEW that anybody who had heretical religious views would suffer everlasting agony of the most apalling kind. And some of you should read the imaginative descriptions of the sufferings of Hell, written not only in the Middle Ages, but in quite recent times by men of intense intellectual acumen. And therefore out of real merciful motivation, the Inquisitors thought that it was the best thing they could do to torture heresy out of those who held it. Worse still, heresy was infectious, and would contaminate other people and put them in this immortal danger. And so with the best motivations imaginable, the used the thumbscrew, the rack, the iron maiden, the leaded cat-of-nine-tails, and finally the stake to get these people to come to their senses, because nothing else seemed to be available.


Today, serious heresy, and rather peculiarly in the United States, is a deviant state of consciousness. Not so much deviant opinions as having a kind of experience which is different from 'regular' experience. And as Ronald Lang, who is going to participate in this series, has so well pointed out, we are taught what experiences are permissable in the same way we are taught what gestures, what manners, what behavior is permissable and socially acceptable. And therefore, if a person has so-called 'strange' experiences, and endeavors to communicate these experiences--because naturally one talks about what one feels--and endeavors to communicate these experiences to other people, he is looked at in a very odd way and asked 'are you feeling all right?' Because people feel distinctly uncomfortable when the realize they are in the presence of someone who is experiencing the world in a rather different way from themselves. They call in question as to whether this person is indeed human. They look like a human being, but because the state of experience is so different, you wonder whether they really are. And you get the kind of--the same kind of queasy feeling inside as you would get if, for the sake of example, you were to encounter a very beautiful girl, very formally dressed, and you were introduced, and in order to shake hands, she removed her glove, and you found in your hand the claw of a large bird. That would be spooky, wouldn't it?
Or let's suppose that you were looking at a rose. And you looked down in the middle where the petals are closed, and you suddenly saw them open like lips, and the rose addressed you and said 'good morning.' You would feel something uncanny was going on. And in rather the same way, in an every day kind of circumstance, when you are sitting in a bar drinking, and you find you have a drunk next to you. And he tells you, 'undistinguishable drunken ranting' and you sort of move your stool a little ways away from this man, because he's become in some way what we mean by nonhuman. Now, we understand the drunk; we know what's the matter with him, and it'll wear off. But when quite unaccountably, a person gives representation that he's suddenly got the feeling that he's living in backwards time, or that everybody seems to be separated from him by a huge sheet of glass. Or that he's suddenly seeing everything in unbelievably detailed moving colors. We say, 'well that's not normal. Therefore there must be something wrong with you.' And the fact that we have such an enormous percentage of the population of this country in mental institutions is a thing we may have to look at from a very different point of view, not that there may be a high incidence of mental sickness, but that there may be a high incidence of intolerance of variations of consciousness.
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Sidewinder said:
So much hate against myself, I just want to punch myself or bash my head against the wall every damn time I begin to think about all the wasted years and opportunities. I can't even think about anything that lies in my future, because I've already fucked that up too, thanks to all these years I was just petrified by my depression, anxiety and social ineptitude.

My life right now is just a stupid charade, as if I'll ever become a productive member of society, I should just call it a day and choose a bridge to jump from, there are plenty around where I live. But alas there's still that silly little glimpse of completely unrealistic hope dangling in front of my eyes, that maybe one day, I'll be able to live by myself in a shitty appartment with a shitty job and enjoy doing things that used to make me happy 10 years ago. Maybe I'll even be able to talk to people longer than 30s without a trembling voice or without beginning to sweat and blush. Or maybe I'll even meet a woman one day that would like to share some part of her life with me, which sounds extremely silly to me, just even thinking about it.

But all things considered, if my parents and my brother weren't here anymore, I would've ended it a long time ago, but I just can't do that to them, it would be devastating. Even losing someone like me, that manages to say 10 words per day and that is as happy and lively as a zombie.
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Summarising your entire existence in three paragraphs is no mean feat. Wish I was as good with words as you are. ha ha.

Don't go throwing your self off of a bridge. The water's pretty cold, don't you know!

Also. I love that you are considerate about leaving your family. Not many folk have family worth considering, you know.

You can't fight the entire world all at once. That's way to big a fight. Conquer sleep first. Little things like that. Then let's get up in the morning without hating what stares back at us in the mirror. After that we can deal with the whole damn mess that is this stupid life. :P

edit: Damn it! four paragraphs!
 
humbugs said:
Despite there being different ways into the 'mental health narrative', it remains dangerous to promote or suggest ideas where scoring or tripping on x or y drug are the endgame. Utter foolishness.
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Who the heck did that? All I did was again, relaying "my experience", if giving a direct account of my experience is "dangerous", than we're clearly operating on two different extremes of thought and discussion. This ain't a damn "support group", it's a discussion thread on a forum, and thus I treat it as such. If you view it that way, that's your prerogative but I'll view it my way and go about my business.

And by the way, psilocybin has proven useful in easing the stress and anxiety of death for terminal patients. Is that "dangerous" to say? What about the treatments for post traumatic stress disorder (terrible euphemism) with MDMA? Look it up. Is that "dangerous". Nobody's telling anybody scoring or tripping on anything is the endgame. Just loosen up and treat it like a casual intelligent conversation among a group of people, not who's right or wrong or any of that crap.
 
Couple of things:

Thanks, ArynCrinn for posting about your experience with ketamine. That was interesting to read.

I think what humbugs was getting at was that there is a world of difference between recreational ketamine use and being given carefully controlled doses (which are apparently quite small) in the hospital setting where you are closely monitored.

This is a discussion forum, sure, but many of us try to treat this thread a little differently. A) we just expect people to be more civil and kind to one another. People who come here are often in very bad places and they appreciate this being a little oasis of kindness and understanding.

B) I don't think you posting about using ketamine is any kind of endorsement of the practice. But there are people who come here who are absolutely desperate for SOMETHING to help them, who will jump from "it's used in the hospital setting" to trying it themselves without really understanding the risks. When I posted about the ketamine stories before, I made sure to point out that the doses and careful monitoring made this completely different from recreational use. I should have done that this time.

Humbugs is probably the most knowledgable person about mental health issues in here - he works in the field. He's also someone who constantly reminds me that we can and should challenge psychiatrist orthodoxy - I get that he upset you, but you picked the wrong guy to condescend to. He didn't deserve that. He just wants people to be careful with this stuff. He has seen, first hand, the consequences of drug use and abuse. Dude has some crazy stories.

I hope we can all just agree that people need to be careful with psychoactive drugs, prescription or otherwise, and discussing our personal experiences should not be mistaken for advocacy.


In non-"everybody just be cool!" news, thanks for the video! I haven't had a chance to watch it yet, but I will. It sounds very Foucalt, so I'm very interested in seeing what it has to say. The description is a tad strange though - since the era of deinstitutionalization in the 80s, it's simply not true that we have a huge segment of the population locked up in psych wards. Prisons, on the other hand...

There certainly is something to be said about different ways of thinking getting people labeled "crazy" in society, but the suggestion that what we call "mental illness" is really just variation in how we think completely ignores the suffering that so many of us have gone through/are going through. It makes my blood boil a tad.

So...it should be a super provocative viewing experience! I'll let you know what I think!


EVERYBODY JUST BE COOL
 
It just hit me now reminscing on this. Those are times I really, really miss and will forever and I fear I will never get another chance like that again. Fuck, that makes me miserable.
 
From the anonymous mental health GAF email account:

(the account is barely used so it isn't watched very closely. If you'd like a message posted anonymously, and if you're comfortable with it, PM me, or have someone you trust PM me to check the account. I can try checking it more regularly if there is more interest in using it, but for now you may have to point me that way)

Hey Depression GAF,

I guess the best way to start this email is to explain what mental state I am currently in. I am at a new low. I am at a place I never thought I could get and honestly looking at how much is still intact given my actions earlier this week, I could go much much lower if I don't find help soon. However let me preface that statement by saying I will never commit suicide after witnessing the events that happened after my good friend's suicide a few years ago.

I was a member of my town's fire department until last Thursday officially. I've been struggling with depression, likely bipolar disorder, possibly narcissistic personality disorder, and almost certainly depression induced substance abuse for at least the past ten years (I'm 22). It's been a difficult and self-sabotaging cycle, but when I joined the fire department I found hope. I had a place to hang out away from my narcissistic family and find myself for the first time. Although, over time my defense mechanisms kicked in and I stopped myself from feeling vulnerable in front of the guys that actually loved me. This continued after I tore a ligament in my knee and only got worse when I became intimate with a fellow woman member. I began to shut myself out of everything and slowly but surely began to break from every other aspect of my life like school work, and family life. In each place, I used alcohol and briefly opiates after my knee surgery to cope with my anxiety and embarrassment about abandoning them.

By March, I likely could be categorized as a functioning alcoholic. By the end of March, I was on the edge. To me school was done for the time being, but I was afraid to admit that to anyone else, and my mind was turning into a time bomb.

Fast forward to last Monday. We had a big fire and after talking to the members of scene I learned a lot. Yet, in a drunken, and according to the psychologists I've spoken to, mental break, I snapped and began to shit on the other departments on scene while posing as not one, not two, but three different department members on a local firefighter message board. The worst thing about it was that I knew what I was doing, and although I didn't think about the consequences at the time, I knew what they were no matter what state of sobriety I was in. Suffice to say, the jig was up by 10AM the next day and after trying to lie my way out of it for an hour, I admitted to everything, knowing full well my time as a firefighter was done.

I still don't know why I did it. I loved everyone in that department. I loved what I did there. It was one of the few positives in my life, and I made sure everyone knew that by how dedicated I was.

But I betrayed everyone there. I was one person for six months, then suddenly I was another for six hours and embarrassed my entire department as well as betrayed the friendships I made there.

All I want to feel is whole. I've felt empty throughout my life and have sabotaged every positive that's briefly been a part of it. In the past it was just a girlfriend or a few friends, but in this case it was at least thirty friendships I ruined over night (literally).

I want to stop this cycle before I get lower than how I feel now. I've looked into co-occuring programs, but they all feature 12 step. I know they don't work and won't work for me. I feel like I need intense one on one therapy for years, since the habits I've formed to deal with everything are actually instincts at this point.

I don't know where to go, and while my mother (extreme narcissist) has been helpful the last few days I know she's not the one to help me. I don't trust her for the long term.

GAF, where do I go to stop being the self sabotaging, substance abusing, self hating, regretful, people pleasing, and avoiding person I've become?
 
Ashes said:
Summarising your entire existence in three paragraphs is no mean feat. Wish I was as good with words as you are. ha ha.

Don't go throwing your self off of a bridge. The water's pretty cold, don't you know!

Also. I love that you are considerate about leaving your family. Not many folk have family worth considering, you know.

You can't fight the entire world all at once. That's way to big a fight. Conquer sleep first. Little things like that. Then let's get up in the morning without hating what stares back at us in the mirror. After that we can deal with the whole damn mess that is this stupid life. :P

edit: Damn it! four paragraphs!
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Don't worry I wouldn't jump from a spot where there's water flowing under it.

Yes I know, many suffer from shitty family members or inconsiderate "friends", the thing is, nobody knows about my condition. I already know how my father would react, for him mentally ill persons are just lazy slackers that gave up after stumbling upon some minor bump in the road and that they just need a kick in the arse and hard work. For him they're just not willing hard enough. And if he were ever to find out about it and all the lies that came from it, it'd either kill him, or he'd want to kill me.

Luckily i still can sleep without too much hassle, it's the waking up that's the hard part, if there's no reason to do so other than to keep the masquerade going.
 
I just fucked up so badly there is a 99% chance I won't be able to return to college next semester. I really can't muster up any emotions over what is without a doubt the greatest failure I've ever managed to achieve(incredibly impressive, believe me). Mostly I'm terrified of telling my parents. I always knew I'd never get anywhere in life so I guess this is the path of least resistance. This should make me upset. It should spur me into action. I wish I could care at all.
 
Tried to have a talk with my family. Ended the way it always does: everyone promises to do better after rounds of talking at each other and no one really listening. I don't have any real confidence anything is going to change. And I feel it's all my fault just because I wasn't able to articulate what I need from them.

I don't know. I'm tired of fighting for a relationship with them. Maybe I just need to call this a wash and let it go.
 
ImpassionateGods said:
I just fucked up so badly there is a 99% chance I won't be able to return to college next semester. I really can't muster up any emotions over what is without a doubt the greatest failure I've ever managed to achieve(incredibly impressive, believe me). Mostly I'm terrified of telling my parents. I always knew I'd never get anywhere in life so I guess this is the path of least resistance. This should make me upset. It should spur me into action. I wish I could care at all.
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ReiGun said:
Tried to have a talk with my family. Ended the way it always does: everyone promises to do better after rounds of talking at each other and no one really listening. I don't have any real confidence anything is going to change. And I feel it's all my fault just because I wasn't able to articulate what I need from them.

I don't know. I'm tired of fighting for a relationship with them. Maybe I just need to call this a wash and let it go.
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I am in fucking awe because this 2 posts are back to back. I had both experiences at the same time.

I told my family I failed at college big time. They weren't nice but they were not bad either. At the end, they said whatever I do in life will be fine if it makes me happy and it's enough to sustain a normal lifestyle.

About the 2nd comment, really, just let it go. Families never change. They can try or do it for some time, but all the issues are going to be there forever.
 
Bagels said:
From the anonymous mental health GAF email account:

EMAIL
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Hello! Honestly, I would go to your GP (if you have one), and ask for a therapy referral. Seeking professional help is a good idea, I tried fighting my mental health issues alone for a long, long time and really wish I had just asked for some damn help earlier than I did. Maybe look into CBT? Lots of people here have more experience in that than I do but it could help.

The self destructive thing: Could you talk to these old friends and try to explain to them what happened? You had a mental break, I think some will be understanding.
 
My head hurts from doing the c programming homework. I haven't succeeded in getting the files running. And I don't know if I code correctly. The due date is this Tuesday at 7PM. So I have two days to finish it, but it's going to be incomplete. I can ask my instructor for one week extension; however, I get to use it once and I want to save it for later.
 
Collete said:
I just shouldn't have been born...that was just a mistake in itself....
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You have lots to live for, I am sure of that. Try and maybe go out and talk to some guys (or girls) if you are not in a relationship already. Maybe at a club or whatever. I saw your pic too so you have no excuse not to go out and meet people. Either way, I hope you feel better very soon.
 
PsihoPerihelion said:
About the 2nd comment, really, just let it go. Families never change. They can try or do it for some time, but all the issues are going to be there forever.
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I'm starting to think maybe that's the case.

Damn, that talk was just a huge misstep on my part. I feel like shit and have basically no faith I'll ever have a relationship with my family. I'm not even sure I want one anymore. And as always, I feel like I can't even bring this stuff up to them.

I don't even know why I bother. I fucking hate this. I wish I were...I don't know. Better. Smarter. More articulate. Normal.
 
I'm going to figure all of my problems out, even if I can't do it alone. And I'm going to be a much stronger person because of it. I'm going to get my life in order. I'm taking it back. I can sit and mope forever if I wanted to. I can feel sorry for myself for the hand I've been dealt for the rest of my life and doing that will never make me happy. I can admit that I'm afraid of failure so I don't even try. I act like I don't care about this or that but I'm just afraid and it makes me feel worthless and like a failure. I remembered that once upon a time in my life I never gave up so easily and never just sat back and took shit. Life wasn't always a tragedy every single day. I can do this.
 
Good for you man! I know it's hard to find that motivation - I have trouble most days. Some I feel alright and can be a bit motivated to get stuff done (like apply for a new job, get my you tube channel organised) and other days I feel like there's just not much hope at the moment.

I'm trying to get the courage to finally go see a mental health clinic - I've felt for a while there is something wrong with me, just getting that courage to get things sorted is hard.
 
silkysmooth said:
I'm going to figure all of my problems out, even if I can't do it alone. And I'm going to be a much stronger person because of it. I'm going to get my life in order. I'm taking it back. I can sit and mope forever if I wanted to. I can feel sorry for myself for the hand I've been dealt for the rest of my life and doing that will never make me happy. I can admit that I'm afraid of failure so I don't even try. I act like I don't care about this or that but I'm just afraid and it makes me feel worthless and like a failure. I remembered that once upon a time in my life I never gave up so easily and never just sat back and took shit. Life wasn't always a tragedy every single day. I can do this.
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This made me smile :) I'm sure you can do this! Might not be an easy road, but very much worth it!
 
silkysmooth said:
I'm going to figure all of my problems out, even if I can't do it alone. And I'm going to be a much stronger person because of it. I'm going to get my life in order. I'm taking it back. I can sit and mope forever if I wanted to. I can feel sorry for myself for the hand I've been dealt for the rest of my life and doing that will never make me happy. I can admit that I'm afraid of failure so I don't even try. I act like I don't care about this or that but I'm just afraid and it makes me feel worthless and like a failure. I remembered that once upon a time in my life I never gave up so easily and never just sat back and took shit. Life wasn't always a tragedy every single day. I can do this.
Click to expand...

Good luck. Misery sucks and I would wish it upon no soul.
 
silkysmooth said:
I'm going to figure all of my problems out, even if I can't do it alone. And I'm going to be a much stronger person because of it. I'm going to get my life in order. I'm taking it back. I can sit and mope forever if I wanted to. I can feel sorry for myself for the hand I've been dealt for the rest of my life and doing that will never make me happy. I can admit that I'm afraid of failure so I don't even try. I act like I don't care about this or that but I'm just afraid and it makes me feel worthless and like a failure. I remembered that once upon a time in my life I never gave up so easily and never just sat back and took shit. Life wasn't always a tragedy every single day. I can do this.
Click to expand...


That brings this to mind:
President-Whitmore.jpg

Good luck, silky! Make us proud!
 
I had my surgery today and I'm at home resting now. I'm told it went very well. I'm on a bunch of different medications including hydromorphone for pain. I'm not sure why but I'm actually feeling very down and emotional. :( Like I'm going to cry any second. I keep thinking my depression is behind me and it always throws me when I start having depressive thoughts and feel so down/emotional.

Hopefully this will pass. Fuck depression, man. It's like this insidious thing that hides inside my thoughts and strikes when I'm most vulnerable. These hopeless/worthless thoughts and feelings have been such a big part of my life for so long I don't know if I'll ever get rid of them. Sucks.
 
There is no hell on earth greater than having a fucking insect/spider phobia. It's basically like being afraid of all of 3D space. Everywhere you ever go all hours of the day. Everything else horrible technically stops someday but this will never ever ever end. It makes me wish I could just die. Regardless of if there really is somewhere else to go I just want out of this.
 
EverythingShiny said:
I had my surgery today and I'm at home resting now. I'm told it went very well. I'm on a bunch of different medications including hydromorphone for pain. I'm not sure why but I'm actually feeling very down and emotional. :( Like I'm going to cry any second. I keep thinking my depression is behind me and it always throws me when I start having depressive thoughts and feel so down/emotional.

Hopefully this will pass. Fuck depression, man. It's like this insidious thing that hides inside my thoughts and strikes when I'm most vulnerable. These hopeless/worthless thoughts and feelings have been such a big part of my life for so long I don't know if I'll ever get rid of them. Sucks.
Click to expand...
I'm glad your surgery went well! I actually got pretty depressed after my surgery. Just something about your body not being at its best kinda makes your mind like that too, I think. Watching fun and dumb movies in bed can help. :)
 
I really need someone in the same room to help me with C because sending people a message or posting on the course forum is not cutting out for me. Especially the course forum where we make a thread on asking help from other students, and no bothered to answer till now. I hate the fact that the instructor is not answering some of the questions too. I might as well turn in the files because I'm not using the one week extension on it. I'm saving it for the next homework that will be difficult. It's frustrates me that I can't figure out the problems on my own. I'm making my code too complicated with so many steps.
 
Feeling motivated lately, so PM me your address if you'd like a handwritten Bagelgram with calligraphy and artwork and silly stuff! You have to promise to write me back!
 
There is so much rage inside of me that I've never been able to put aside, because my life was decimated a decade ago and never recovered and never has a chance to.

But then, in order to explain this, maybe I should describe the average day. Wake up at 2 pm, note that my body hurts all over and I'm exhausted even though I slept. Stiffly walk to the bathroom, take a shower, which relaxes my muscles somewhat. Go to the kitchen, take two tramadol (or a vicodin if the pain is bad enough). At this point, I have a lot of time to kill and it all blurs together because that's what happens when your life is consumed by pain. Sometimes I'll take a short walk because I've been told that exercise is important or some shit like that. More often than not, I stay inside and kill time. Sitting on the coach. Lying on the floor. Crawling to the bathroom to take another shower to relax my muscles yet again. Taking more pain meds. So exhausted that I can't lift my head. At some point, I try to go to sleep but I can't wear covers anymore because my skin is so sensitive to the touch that they burn. If I'm lucky, I fall asleep but wake up multiple times in the night, tossing and turning because my body can't find a position that doesn't hurt. And then I finally crawl out of bed at 2 pm and repeat the whole process all over again.

The rage comes because there's no point to ANY of it. It's a complete fucking waste of a life. I don't mean anything to anyone. I don't matter to anyone. I don't contribute anything or do anything for society. Your tax dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you so much for my survival! My mom must be so proud of me! I just sit, take up space, take up energy and endlessly crave attention because when you have to kill thirteen hours every day all by yourself, wouldn't you want people to talk to too? The loneliness is unbearable because every one of those hours feels stretched out to oblivion due to the pain and it hurts me so bad. It hurts me so bad that I can't fall in love or have the career I was so close to obtaining. Or go on trips to spend time with the people I love. Or do ANYTHING. I haven't cleaned my apartment in weeks. I can't. It slaughters me. My car has issues but I don't have the energy to get it looked at. I have no food in the apartment because I can't handle grocery trips any more. Even playing games is becoming a chore because the back and shoulder pain is so intense that I can't sit in one position for long. My body is slowly and systematically shutting down. So is my mind.

And unfortunately, it's getting to the point where even I realize in my diseased head that I am destructively sick. I don't want to live. Who would, like this? But no one understands what it's like. And so I get so angry and I lash out and I rage and I cry and I sob buckets and none of it fucking matters because no one is fucking listening. Because everyone else is living their lives outside these four cavernous, prison walls and there's no time for people who have no hope. And naturally, no one has advice to give because they already know that I've tried everything there is to try, from mental help to all the conventional treatments for my illness. I'm told to hang on, have faith, fight but what am I fighting for, exactly? There's no end in sight.

I am a gigantic, fucking piece of SHIT. I am a black hole. I am a void of nothingness. I am a waste of your time and if you knew what was good for you (and who does?), you would get as far away from me as possible before my bile consumes you. My ex-best friend had the right fucking idea and I hope that piece of shit is happy with me out of his life.
 
jb1234 said:
none of it fucking matters because no one is fucking listening. Because everyone else is living their lives outside these four cavernous, prison walls and there's no time for people who have no hope.
Click to expand...

I don't know about that. Someone somewhere is listening. :P

Anyways, what's the deal with your pain? Seems like you suffer an actual condition? Fibromyalgia?
 
jb1234 said:
There is so much rage inside of me that I've never been able to put aside, because my life was decimated a decade ago and never recovered and never has a chance to.

But then, in order to explain this, maybe I should describe the average day. Wake up at 2 pm, note that my body hurts all over and I'm exhausted even though I slept. Stiffly walk to the bathroom, take a shower, which relaxes my muscles somewhat. Go to the kitchen, take two tramadol (or a vicodin if the pain is bad enough). At this point, I have a lot of time to kill and it all blurs together because that's what happens when your life is consumed by pain. Sometimes I'll take a short walk because I've been told that exercise is important or some shit like that. More often than not, I stay inside and kill time. Sitting on the coach. Lying on the floor. Crawling to the bathroom to take another shower to relax my muscles yet again. Taking more pain meds. So exhausted that I can't lift my head. At some point, I try to go to sleep but I can't wear covers anymore because my skin is so sensitive to the touch that they burn. If I'm lucky, I fall asleep but wake up multiple times in the night, tossing and turning because my body can't find a position that doesn't hurt. And then I finally crawl out of bed at 2 pm and repeat the whole process all over again.

The rage comes because there's no point to ANY of it. It's a complete fucking waste of a life. I don't mean anything to anyone. I don't matter to anyone. I don't contribute anything or do anything for society. Your tax dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you so much for my survival! My mom must be so proud of me! I just sit, take up space, take up energy and endlessly crave attention because when you have to kill thirteen hours every day all by yourself, wouldn't you want people to talk to too? The loneliness is unbearable because every one of those hours feels stretched out to oblivion due to the pain and it hurts me so bad. It hurts me so bad that I can't fall in love or have the career I was so close to obtaining. Or go on trips to spend time with the people I love. Or do ANYTHING. I haven't cleaned my apartment in weeks. I can't. It slaughters me. My car has issues but I don't have the energy to get it looked at. I have no food in the apartment because I can't handle grocery trips any more. Even playing games is becoming a chore because the back and shoulder pain is so intense that I can't sit in one position for long. My body is slowly and systematically shutting down. So is my mind.

And unfortunately, it's getting to the point where even I realize in my diseased head that I am destructively sick. I don't want to live. Who would, like this? But no one understands what it's like. And so I get so angry and I lash out and I rage and I cry and I sob buckets and none of it fucking matters because no one is fucking listening. Because everyone else is living their lives outside these four cavernous, prison walls and there's no time for people who have no hope. And naturally, no one has advice to give because they already know that I've tried everything there is to try, from mental help to all the conventional treatments for my illness. I'm told to hang on, have faith, fight but what am I fighting for, exactly? There's no end in sight.

I am a gigantic, fucking piece of SHIT. I am a black hole. I am a void of nothingness. I am a waste of your time and if you knew what was good for you (and who does?), you would get as far away from me as possible before my bile consumes you. My ex-best friend had the right fucking idea and I hope that piece of shit is happy with me out of his life.
Click to expand...

1. no.
2. i know whats good for me.
3. you cant explode any bile i havent seen or sucked on.
4. hit me up. im in the hood.
 
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