Spent 3 days in the hospital this week because I was really on the fuckin' moon. Got bitched at hard at work for missing time. It sucks that I can't really let them know how bad things are without being stigmatized or put on the short list to get laid off at the first available opportunity.
I've been making small improvements based on the last few posts from here and from things I wanted to do. I've tried to lower the amount of time I have dealing with the worst-case scenario thoughts and trying to put some more logic into things.
If it helps jb1234, I do have friends that are pure "asses" to be around when they are truly mad. With time and understanding and love, even when they are that mad, the conversation becomes much calmer and it takes less time for them to heal as a whole. Maybe it would help to try to let some of it out (to some extent) and see how things feel afterwards? At least it won't be stuck inside of you!
Congratulations Collete! Even though you said anyone can be an artist if they try hard enough, a large piece of writing like that takes more than just hard work! Great job!
...recently, I can't shake these feelings of wanting to know what true love is like (and the other guy thoughts that come with it) and I just want to live and enjoy what I have and become more independent. I can't put logic to it to make it go away, and it's like I want to kiss someone for an hour and just get it out of my system for a while.
Congratulations Collete! Even though you said anyone can be an artist if they try hard enough, a large piece of writing like that takes more than just hard work! Great job!
Thanks everyone...
I'm sorry I haven't been responding to people quickly...I just feel detached from everything as of late...depression's just getting worse.
Thanks everyone...
I'm sorry I haven't been responding to people quickly...I just feel detached from everything as of late...depression's just getting worse.
Sorry to hear that Collete. At least take pride in the fact that the art that you post here makes a lot of people's days. That's something to be proud of.
So, I screw up with a guy who I thought was great, and then started working towards rebuilding whatever it was. Now said guy appears to be ignoring me.
I don't know what's been going on with me lately. For the past three days, I've found myself getting worked up/snapping at the smallest of things. Just super frustrated and angry at everything/everyone and I don't know why. I just want everything to disappear.
First day on dextroamphetamine, it's been a few years since I have tried a stimulant. Took a dose at 2:30 pm. The effect was rather mild and I've been crashing for the last two hours or so.
Sorry to hear that Collete. At least take pride in the fact that the art that you post here makes a lot of people's days. That's something to be proud of.
Jesus fuck. When I last saw my psychiatrist they took a urine sample and a cheek swab for some new DNA testing thing they were doing. I was just checking my insurance claims and it looks like I'm going to be billed over $1500 for that testing. I am so fucked.
I fall into that trap myself, feeling like the art that I produce isn't noticed by anyone. And my stuff also tends to be dark, which scares people off. But ultimately, there's still a sense of catharsis in doing the work and I'm still proud of the finished product, even if very few get to hear it.
I feel like I'm set to be alone for the rest of my life. I have a handful of friends, but I don't see them very often anymore, and even when I do see them I am reminded how I'm very much on the periphery of their lives. Not very good at making friends either, can't remember the last time I really did it, although I feel like I make more of an effort than I ever have when it comes to getting along with people. No romantic partners to speak of, and I've sort of lost the desire to seek them. I feel like I have to get other shit sorted out first before really committing to anything. Not really close with my family either, besides my siblings and my parents, but I don't really see anyone with any regularity besides my sister.
At this point I'm mulling over a massive shake up, otherwise I might have to call it a day. For a variety of reasons I've always thought I'd be happier abroad, but I'm worried about having to start over with literally nothing besides a passport and a few months worth of living expenses.
Has anyone ITT ever "started over" and have been successful? I'm only 24 but I feel like I've fucked up my social life for good, if not my professional life too.
First post in this thread, let me add my pathetically funny life-struggles to the lot.
My online friend, with whom I used to talk to for hours and hours every day, finally found a full-time retail job and I'm super happy for them!
...but now it feels insanely lonely, since that was my only friend. I should find a summer job myself before next semester starts, but it just feels like mission impossible to find a job when you're 25 years old with no work experience at all to put on your resume. Also, I'd rather sit on my butt and play Baten Kaitos Origins while watching funny cat videos.
...well, I lied a bit, I actually worked as a full-time math "professor" for one month teaching a full 75-hours summer class to young adults last year, because the school was just THAT short-handed (due to the biggest student/teacher strike in our history). It makes me laugh that that was my first and only job ever, how absurd! The students were pretty nice, it sucks that I had to fail 4 of them. I made the course easier than it usually is, because the shit I taught was useless to 90% of the class, even though I only used "applied" problems.
I didn't lose any sleep over failing them though, I probably lack empathy for creatures that aren't dogs. Cute ones only, at that.
After that contract was over, all other interviews I did with colleges fell flat and I never want to do another interview in my life, which is a good thing since there are no more places I can apply to. I felt like running away and puking so hard before my last interview 4 months ago. Being an actual "professor" in front of a class was 500 times easier than an interview (and it was still way too hard/exhausting, kind of like math homework now that I think about it). Professors are just way too serious and goal-oriented; when I'm at an interview, I feel like a bag of cold ramen with ketchup trying to impress Gordon Ramsay .
You need to find that stuff you really want to fill yourself with. Write that shit down. That crazy shit. What did you wanted to be in second grade? A zoo employee? Astronaut?
I'm staring at a blank page right now, let me write this shit down!
Aaaand done.
It's still blank.
Sorry if that came off as rude, I just thought it was funny. I've never wanted to work and I'd be happy doing nothing productive ever. Even when I was a kid, the mere idea of "responsabilities" inspired absolute dread to me. Sucks that I can't be a lazy bum forever, it's way more relaxing than being forced to face my truckload of crippling social anxieties. Especially when you don't know HOW to face them.
...Yeah, I'm not getting a summer job after all. Let me boot Baten Kaitos again...
If you're posting in this thread, it probably means that you aren't actually content in sitting at home and playing Baten Kaitos all day. Something to keep in mind. The loneliness seems to have been the catalyst for posting, but you spent most of your time talking about the job thing so I'll focus on that.
1) Are you actually happy to not be productive, or is it just comfortable?
2) Is finding a job a financial necessity? It doesn't sound like it is, but I'll ask anyways. If money isn't an issue at the moment, you could always volunteer at schools. I'm not sure what kind of city or town you live in, but it's something worth looking at.
3) Have you ever spoken to a therapist about your social anxiety or any of this?
Think I'm starting to lose it, but I feel like I understand why now. I keep getting 90% of the way there, keep trying to put myself into a position to succeed, and shit just keeps going wrong.
Get my "dream job" out of college only to find the company I work for doesn't really value my position and everyone is paid like dirt and there is no where to go within the company. Get a better paying job in the same field, looks like it has great potential for growth at my career, company goes out of business because no one lets us do our job and all the business guys burn things to the ground.
Feel like I'm making any amount of progress, end up nearly dying because I didn't realize I had two horrible health problems that I'm stuck with and prevent me from enjoying any food or drink that I used to enjoy. Try to get my ingrown toe nails taken care (likely caused by my other health problems), they come back even worse.
Car nearly explodes on the highway, and the place I live has the worst weather for me possible (because of both my complexion and other health problems). Even the little things like playing games seem to screw me over thanks to the random number generator or my internet lagging at the wrong times, so there is no way for me to even distract myself while trapped in my apartment with the AC constantly blaring because I'm stuck with a window unit.
I just want something to go my fucking way for once.
If you're posting in this thread, it probably means that you aren't actually content in sitting at home and playing Baten Kaitos all day. Something to keep in mind. The loneliness seems to have been the catalyst for posting, but you spent most of your time talking about the job thing so I'll focus on that.
1) Are you actually happy to not be productive, or is it just comfortable?
2) Is finding a job a financial necessity? It doesn't sound like it is, but I'll ask anyways. If money isn't an issue at the moment, you could always volunteer at schools. I'm not sure what kind of city or town you live in, but it's something worth looking at.
3) Have you ever spoken to a therapist about your social anxiety or any of this?
1) I'm not always happy doing nothing, hence the post, like you said. But sometimes I'm pretty happy when I do nothing. On the other hand, I've never been happy being productive. I talked about my work experience at length in my post, but by the third week of that lone work month, the only thing that kept me going was knowing it was going to end soon and I could relax.
Plus, when I have nothing scheduled, I'm usually playful and willing to talk. On days when I'm forced to be "busy", I'm noticeably irritable and don't want to socialize with anyone.
I am not fit for work, I first chose teaching for the amazingly selfless reason that we get 3 months off (at least in the colleges my diploma lets me teach in). I am not a good person.
2) It's increasingly becoming one, but my expenses are non-existent besides food/rent/bus tickets, which I pay with some very, very light tutoring, saved-up money from grants and that lone month of work. I just live with my parents (who don't work either and haven't since I was 6 years old) and we smooch off of governmental help because my parents got diagnosed for their own disorders. My mom volunteers at an old folks' house, though, she's great.
3) I know I should, but I know I won't by myself. I've had, for three years now, a list of (unrelated to this) routine health tests to do and when I finally worked up the courage and went to a clinic after weeks of trying, I froze hard at the counter and ran the way I came.
Thanks for giving me things to consider. Even though I did my best to dismiss all of it, it helped me.
You would think with how much I've gone through romantic rejection, that I would be a pro at handling it. But, nope. Still feels like utter shit. I'm running out of ways to self-medicate. XD
You know, it'd be nice if I wasn't ignored all the time. Not just referring to this thread or NeoGAF exactly, but it seems whenever I ask a question anywhere or need some help, especially in the last few days, people don't bother to respond even if it's easy for them. I'm in need of money and I'm trying to sell some stuff and no matter where I go, people don't even seem to bother. This is nothing new for me. And then people ask why me why I think I'm annoying, stupid, dull, etc. Well, maybe if I wasn't ignored or looked down on so much, I wouldn't.
I mean it's fucking bad enough I've been alone for the last few months because my "friend" decided I'm not worth his time because of that accident. This is the first time in my life I've been so alone. I'm not exactly fond of being stuck in the house and being alone all the time and people just blowing me off doesn't help things.
I need to drain the contents of my mind and this seemed like the best thread for it since everyone here has always been so understanding.
I wish I were more a awesome person. My self-confidence hasn't been the best, my social skills haven't been at peak. depression caused me to neglect my physical health, I was stupid enough to willingly throw myself into the pit was the friendzone because I was afraid of losing my friend and had some delusion that we'd be together one day, I can have a tendency to seek attention(hell, maybe that's the real reason I decided to put this on a forum, I don't know), and I can be the jealous type at times. I barely even know what I like to do for fun anymore, and every day feels like a reminder that I'm alone.
But
I can work on these things, right? I can get my confidence up with some work, I've been steadily improving my social skills by striking up short conversations with random people, I've convinced myself to resume my regular gym routine so that I don't let myself wither away, I escaped that friendzone and am in the process of moving on (which is one of the most difficult tasks that I've ever tried to accomplish but it IS possible) while maintaining and strenghtening my friendships, I'm learning that the attention thing isn't as hyped up as my mind tries to make it out to be, I'm working my way back to find other interests, and I'm working on reminding myself that I'm never truly alone.
They're small steps and I know this isn't going to be an instant improvement process because they require time, but I've got plenty of time to improve. I'm only 19 after all. My friends have been reminding me that even though things can get bad at times, that it's not he end and that this feeling of being alone will go away eventually, and it's taken a while, but I think I'm starting to believe them. I don't know when I'll be at true 100% again, but I think I can get there, right? Maybe if I keep acting like someone who's at 100%, the transition will happen on its own. It's not over yet, right guys?
You know, it'd be nice if I wasn't ignored all the time. Not just referring to this thread or NeoGAF exactly, but it seems whenever I ask a question anywhere or need some help, especially in the last few days, people don't bother to respond even if it's easy for them. I'm in need of money and I'm trying to sell some stuff and no matter where I go, people don't even seem to bother. This is nothing new for me. And then people ask why me why I think I'm annoying, stupid, dull, etc. Well, maybe if I wasn't ignored or looked down on so much, I wouldn't.
I mean it's fucking bad enough I've been alone for the last few months because my "friend" decided I'm not worth his time because of that accident. This is the first time in my life I've been so alone. I'm not exactly fond of being stuck in the house and being alone all the time and people just blowing me off doesn't help things.
I'm sorry that your questions of here have been getting ignored. I know what that feels and I'd hate to have someone else have to deal with it. What happened with your friend?
I love my parents, but I hate when they talk about how easy it is to graduate in less than 4-5 years. I was like in my head, "It's not like they graduated". I just hate that because makes me feel...disappointed in myself. I mean if I fail one of my classes this semester, I would be in a probation. What do I tell my family, especially my parents? Apologize to them that they haven't met their expectations of me? Apologize to them for not trying hard in college?
If my parents were more understanding, then I wouldn't be worried. But because they expect me to graduate college, how can I tell them? I mostly hate my dad for playing the "feeling bad about yourself" game. When he states that someone whose younger than me has a job and a car, and probably embarrassed that someone whose younger than me are more successful than me.
It's not my fault that he brought me to this world.
This pain in my chest in unbearable. I though I had taken measures in the past to prevent it, but I guess all it takes is some kind words to make me put my guard down. I am such an idiot. I really need to lock the world out and never let anyone in. It's lonely, but it is safer...
You know, it'd be nice if I wasn't ignored all the time. Not just referring to this thread or NeoGAF exactly, but it seems whenever I ask a question anywhere or need some help, especially in the last few days, people don't bother to respond even if it's easy for them. I'm in need of money and I'm trying to sell some stuff and no matter where I go, people don't even seem to bother. This is nothing new for me. And then people ask why me why I think I'm annoying, stupid, dull, etc. Well, maybe if I wasn't ignored or looked down on so much, I wouldn't.
I mean it's fucking bad enough I've been alone for the last few months because my "friend" decided I'm not worth his time because of that accident. This is the first time in my life I've been so alone. I'm not exactly fond of being stuck in the house and being alone all the time and people just blowing me off doesn't help things.
In the misery of the early morning, I always find myself thinking about what could have been, if variables had been slightly tweaked. Instead of killing twelve hours every day all alone in pain, I could have had a family like I always wanted. A partner, a kid. The dream career, maybe working for a nice school or even an opera house, if I had gotten ambitious.
People always tell me the same thing. It's not worth thinking about what could have been. Focus on what you have now. But I barely have anything right now, just a bunch of shattered dreams and a life that I'm only living because other people expect me to. I can't make myself happy and certainly no one else can so I'm locked in this cycle of suffering that will never end.
I just burden everyone and I hate it. I fucking hate it. My mom overcompensates and becomes so helpfully overbearing that I can barely stand to be around her. When she needs to do things for me, it only serves to remind me how helpless and sick I actually am. And then I'm an asshole to her because of it. My friends are so busy and I'm so lonely because I'm not. And I feel like every time I want to talk to someone, I'm just getting in the way of their busy schedules and lives. I'm a swirling whirlwind of neediness, touching down and wreaking havoc, so miserable, so alone. Look out, folks! JB is here and he's a humdinger! At least an F5!
I hate change. I'm autistic, Aspergers. It almost literally makes my brain snap when it happens. But the irony is that I'm never the one changing. It's the people around me and I'm twisting in a desperate circle trying to maintain relevance in their lives when my own is so stagnant. Get married. Have kids. Get a job. Lose a job. Change jobs. Get a pet. Get a house. Get a car. Crash your car. Tick off your life checkmarks one by one. Everyone changes, everyone grows up, everyone moves on.
I'll still be here, never changing, always sitting on my couch, ticking down the hours instead.
Question for people with depression/severe depression.
I've had minor depression, as anyone would have in their lifetime I guess, and even that was shit. What's it like for someone with moderate/severe depression?
My mate has depression, not sure if it's severe, but he takes anti-depressants, and always has to keep doing something whether it's going to the gym, sometimes 10 days in a row. His mum has depression and takes anti-depressants too. You can always tell when he's down, but he attempts to hide the fact that he does have it, or plays it off like he doesn't have depression when trying to help (in denial I guess?). He had a meltdown in-front of me where he said he hates his job, his relationship is going down hill, his life revolves around having to earn money, he's thought about suicide, he takes anti-depressants, the lot. It was full on.
I'm just curious to know what his day to day would be like, mentally and physically (?), and if necessary, how to help him a little more as a mate.
I fall into that trap myself, feeling like the art that I produce isn't noticed by anyone. And my stuff also tends to be dark, which scares people off. But ultimately, there's still a sense of catharsis in doing the work and I'm still proud of the finished product, even if very few get to hear it.
You guys are right...it does keep my mind off of things a bit, I won't lie.
And I think I'd be unproductive if I wasn't doing art on some form or another anyways.
Thanks.
Question for people with depression/severe depression.
I've had minor depression, as anyone would have in their lifetime I guess, and even that was shit. What's it like for someone with moderate/severe depression?
My mate has depression, not sure if it's severe, but he takes anti-depressants, and always has to keep doing something whether it's going to the gym, sometimes 10 days in a row. His mum has depression and takes anti-depressants too. You can always tell when he's down, but he attempts to hide the fact that he does have it, or plays it off like he doesn't have depression when trying to help (in denial I guess?). He had a meltdown in-front of me where he said he hates his job, his relationship is going down hill, his life revolves around having to earn money, he's thought about suicide, he takes anti-depressants, the lot. It was full on.
I'm just curious to know what his day to day would be like, mentally and physically (?), and if necessary, how to help him a little more as a mate.
Well, I can only speak from my experience but like...
You don't choose when you become depressed and when you don't majority the time. You always have this little voice in the back of your head telling you all these doubts and distorting reality from what it truly is.
To give an example, I was discussing with a friend yesterday that I'm not a bad person. What did my depression do? Still believed that I'm a horrible awful person.
It's always a white noise going through your head and sometimes you feel like you're nothing but a shell of a person. And this sensation can translate into physical headaches or body aches at times. Sometimes you can do nothing but just lie in bed all day because your depression had been paralyzing you from even getting up and making a cup of tea.
One of the good ways to counter depression is as your friend is doing, by constantly doing stuff, but at the same time to a person with depression, it feels like you can never relax because the second you stop doing things, the depression strikes hard. Normally you reach out to people when that happens, but that cannot always be the case for a lot of people, so they melt down or keep it inside. The worst part about reaching out for people with depression, we feel sometimes it's a burden on other people or we're constantly bothering them because of the frequency of reaching out. Your friend might be doing that when it comes to keeping it inside.
I think what you can do to help him is just by being there and listen to him, and make sure he knows he can reach out to you. I still have trouble to this day accepting I can reach out to close friends but even then I feel I'm nothing but a bother because of my depression. Sometimes just hanging out his place can help stave off loneliness or inviting him to a low key place for a cup of coffee
or whatever low key things guys do...I don't know guys too well to be honest...
can get his mind off of things. But just don't give up on him and be there for him.
"Being friends with a depressed person is one of the hardest things, but it's one of the kindest things you can do."
On Tuesday night, I was alone and sitting on my couch watching TV. I started getting a sinking feeling in my chest, like what happens when you get sad. It also felt like someone else was in the room with me. Both these feelings kept building until I was really anxious and worked up. I looked over my shoulder, into the kitchen and the pantry behind it, and I saw a head peeking around a corner, staring at me. I quickly turned away and ducked under the couch. A few seconds later I lifted my head to take another look and it was still there, but closer to me. Indeed, I did this a few times, and it kept getting closer and closer, and I kept getting more and more scared and panicked. The head was always completely still when I saw itit only moved when I turned away.
Once it was within feet of me, I bolted to my bedroom and locked the door behind me. Theres a small hall behind my bedroom door that leads to the actual bedroom. Its kind of dark. I sat down, wondering what the fuck to do. I had left my phone in the other room so I couldnt call for help. I checked the window, knowing if things got bad enough I could handle the second story fall. When I turned around from the window, in that small hallway was a full-on silhouette standing there, with no discernible details. I picked up the nearest heavy thing, my projector TV, and whipped it down the hall at the silhouette. I went to get something else, but by the time I got back to looking at the hall, it was empty. I noted that the door was still locked.
I went back into the rest of my apartment. I looked down the left hallway and saw the face. I turned and looked in front of me and saw another. Eventually, one of them disappeared and I ran for the closet, where I keep my shotgun. I was absolutely terrified. I saw the path to the front door was clear and I dropped the gun and ran for it and got outside.
I tried to get in my car but I realized that I never grabbed the keys in my apartment. Outside, in the dark, I was seeing the silhouette and- the faces. I ducked behind the car for a while, poking out every few minutes to watch the things shift positions. After a considerable amount of time, I ran out of the parking lot. I knew a police station was about 4 blocks away, but it was only like a third of that distance if I ran through the park. Running through the park was a mistake. Everything was distorted and there were a lot of places to see things.
I got to the station. There were three cops there. I should note that I was wearing only gym shorts and socks. I told them that someone was chasing me and trying to kill me. I must have sounded like a lunatic. They sent one cop out to take a look and they brought me back to an interview room. With my back to the wall, there was no place for faces or silhouettes to appear. I still looked behind me every minute to check my back.
After giving him my story, the cop asked if I was tweaking or on something. I said I was only on my meds, which he then asked me about. Once he heard what I was taking, I think he had a better idea of what was going on. He asked if I wanted to go to the hospital and that he was trying to help me out because I was clearly a danger.
The ride to the hospital was bad, but from talking to the cop, I realized none of the faces or anything were real, and that if I just kept my eyes shut this would all be over soon. At the hospital, they loaded me up on Seroquel and put me to bed in a normal room (the psych ward was locked up for the night). In the morning, my psychiatrist asked me to stay there for a few days because some of my previous episodes lasted for more than a day. Im still jittery and I dont feel right. They have me back on Seroquel because its super sedating, but I hate taking it because of how lethargic it makes me. My psychiatrist also thinks Im having too many episodes for this to be bipolar I (which I am diagnosed with). She has me getting another MRI and tox screen to rule out those and Im seeing a different therapist and specialist psychiatrist today to see what their opinions are.
This was pretty much the scariest experience in my life. Sorry for the length.
I'm sorry that your questions of here have been getting ignored. I know what that feels and I'd hate to have someone else have to deal with it. What happened with your friend?
Please don't get me wrong. It's not just GAF or this thread, it's everywhere whether FB, 'real life', etc. This is the most alone I've ever been. I haven't been out of the house with a friend for months now and I can feel the 'pressure'. I'm long overdue for a nervous breakdown and everyday I feel more and more like I'm going to just fucking explode.
Pretty bad right now. I've managed to get a few bucks selling off my Trails in the Sky game but that's already almost exhausted. I have shit I'm selling all over the damn place and I've only had one person respond and wanted to offer me a lot less than the price I listed.
I didn’t know whether to post on here or not and I do apologize if I am being a bit selfish on taking some peoples’ time on here but I think I might need help but I don’t really know, I feel like I am in an odd position. I will briefly quickly type up the situation that might help make sense on why I just get these unfortunate thoughts here and there and keeps me active sometimes late at night. Hope you don’t mind the wall of text, it’s confusing for me on how to explain this so here’s my best way of trying to create a good picture.
I have just turned 24 and have been living independently a fair part of my life since I was 19. I lived in the UK all my life and at 19 my parents decided to move to Egypt and I lived with my ex and her parents until we split up around 21. Here I lived by myself for two years near her area and was an ongoing off and on communication with her as I aimed to study hard to return back to my county where my small main group of friends lived, who some of them classed as family. Now back to my ex, I was with her for five years and I felt very close and loved her. I proposed a few months before breaking up and was planning to buy a house and was on the week of signing it off (I know, for someone to do this so young was a scary thing looking back) since of her bi-sexuality morphing her wanting to have fun with girls and cyber and wanted to enjoy sexual intimacy there. That didn’t go well with me and I had to end it. The relationship ended in a poisonous state and we wasn’t well around each other and hardly made contact as I cared for her very much but couldn’t deal with how to react to this and vis versa. I do felt she heavily violated and used my caring and sensitive nature and lost a part of my laid back and happy go lucky attitude. The last point of contact was just almost six months ago where I emailed her wishing her the best and her response was thanking me it’s best to not be friends like we was and talk via email when she said she felt I was family to her still – it’s when I realized she didn’t ever feel the same as I did from that statement and felt more like I was being used still and learnt to truly block communication properly and throw her out of my life completely.
From here it’s been nothing but a lot of casual fun and hardly any long relationships as feeling I couldn’t see anything long term so outside a lot of fun and sexual times, I haven’t feel anything as I did for my ex and I do miss her. She’s moved to a different country and married someone else very quickly soon after we ended and whenever there was communication it was always me emailing to see how she is and not the other way round. I’ve learned to soon accept that nothing will ever happen and we have to be out of each other’s life and I still get the fun happy memories where I felt like I had a home and family where I was truly relaxed in. I have a nice easy and fair job in IT and have a lot of flexible free time where I surf the internet and get to watch my shows (I know it’s taking the slight advantage but I am good at my job) and I do feel a little guilty there but I never sacrifice the companies it performance since I am more making sure everything stays smoothly in-between my time on my PC. Standard Monday to Friday job and I spend a few days in the week seeing friends gaming together and other things, as well of online vent chat and what. I feel very happy here and relaxed and some days in-between I go to the gym. I have time for my hobbies and I am setting up a routine to get back into full shape again after putting on a few pounds (nothing major) from the junk food I had and so forth. So I got a lot of stuff going for me at my age and I am currently studying programming VB for the company a little bit in-between things as a potential path as a way to get to my final area of my company, and I house share with a nice room and my own personal space.
But yet I still feel not truly relaxed and happy, I feel like I don’t have anyone I can truly talk to about myself as my friends who I am with are not the kind of guys you can pour your true spiritual thoughts and so forth because I feel that I missed several good opportunities in my life than some people were able to do; having the time to be with their parents who support them and always there – my parents were very selfish and didn’t really understand much about me and tried to force some of my direction on what I should do (but they do love/care for me, and if it helps it’s my mum and step father in terms of my parent age background), never getting the opportunity for university or other things I feel I could have done really well at (luckily I got the experience and professional qualifications in IT route instead), and feel like I will not have someone like my ex again, someone who was so similar to me in a lot of ways that had the same interests and never had to prove anything and just be me and be accepted for. I feel much laid back and have a lack of caring for a lot of stuff outside my small group of close friends and few family members and feel very little empathy at some points; it’s hard to explain it.
Gaming is still my biggest passion and enjoyment and all the usual tropes such as a good TV show, but I feel like at a cross roads that one wrong move and I can lose all that with some kind of small anxiety in the deep of my mind. I think it boils down to having some of the worst betrayals done to me in my life young to some of the closest people in my life in the past and I use to have so much love to everything but now it’s only a small portion of what it was. I am a lot more responsible from these experiences and feel a little begrudge against this but it’s a good thing to have, I think it means I’ve grown up more than anything. So to put this part in brief; I don't see my parents much, perhaps 1-3 times a year (outside skype communication with my mum), and they are not the best people to talk about how I truly feel for much emotional help and that, and my friends are not the best in that regard either as they are not the type but they do care for me deeply and they are like family to me, and I have been having to truly look after myself without any safety net for a fair while but it's got a lot better with some fair job security and my location where I am at now.
It’s not nice losing some of your soul/heart and having no idea what to do next from it, even if it’s still lingering over so much time. Perhaps doing what I have at the moment and just relaxing as I am is the best thing and continue to stick to avoiding any communication with my ex? It’s coming up to six months the last time we spoke and that popped up and these memories started to pour in again, and I am starting to think I might not come across the "one" that matches me perfectly to what I like in a person, someone who I can love as well as a friend. I feel kind of sad by this and don’t know how to deal in this situation really and it’s why I am asking for help or peoples’ thoughts. I am sorry if some of this might not make sense but I tried my best to explain
Pretty bad right now. I've managed to get a few bucks selling off my Trails in the Sky game but that's already almost exhausted. I have shit I'm selling all over the damn place and I've only had one person respond and wanted to offer me a lot less than the price I listed.
I'll PM you specifics but I'd rather not go into detail here. I will say this - I am not asking nor do I want anyone to donate/give me money. I will not accept that and it's not that much of an emergency. Nonetheless, I am broke and could us money for various necessities. Truth is, I am broke but that's usual for me.
I'm staring at a blank page right now, let me write this shit down!
Aaaand done.
It's still blank.
Sorry if that came off as rude, I just thought it was funny. I've never wanted to work and I'd be happy doing nothing productive ever. Even when I was a kid, the mere idea of "responsabilities" inspired absolute dread to me. Sucks that I can't be a lazy bum forever, it's way more relaxing than being forced to face my truckload of crippling social anxieties. Especially when you don't know HOW to face them.
...Yeah, I'm not getting a summer job after all. Let me boot Baten Kaitos again...
I'm not a psychologist, nor a philosopher, but I can tell you mate. My own observation in life is this: People lose the meaning to live if they don't evolve. We're all just Pokemon. We need to constantly evolve, and better ourselves. If we don't move forward we become uncomfortable in our own skin.
At the end of the day, being brave means facing up to the things you are afraid of. You might be an introvert, you might run away from conflict, but don't for a second tell yourself you don't know how to do it. You know how to do it, and you know what to do. It's just that we want to do anything but facing our fears.
I can't stop thinking about those old people who wrote lists about their regrets in life just before they died. Not facing their fears, being the major on. Our fears limit ourselves in all we do, and we tell ourselves we can't amount up to them. Our brain will throw all the facts it can at us to stop us from doing it.
We don't want to think about this in an objective manner. That if we don't face them we will live with regret and always wonder about what-if. What could have been.
The worst case scenario often is not our fears being realized, but more than we don't even begin to live because of the fear itself.
GOOD LUCK! Believe in me who believe in you! Yours is the drill that will pierce the heavens!
If I get the message that I'm going to be in probation that would not allow me to register for two semesters, I'm going to wish I wasn't a live. Basically going to college makes me relevant. Without college, I'm irrelevant.
I was diagnosed as type-II bipolar about 7 years ago. I have yet to fully accept this. It's really hard to come to terms with a mental illness, to feel as though you have malfunctioning equipment upstairs, like your main most important organ is flawed and not 100 percent normal. What drives me nuts is I am really smart and to be labled as 'disabled' or 'mentally ill' doesn't fit with my or anyone else's view of my intelligence. In these 7 years (and even before it) I have turned to drugs and alcohol on top of the 6 or 7 different meds I take daily. I have a huge substance abuse problem. My condition prevents me from keeping friends for very long who aren't already used to my personality. I don't like most people. I am a great salesman and have amazing customer service skills and generally know how to speak to people (especially to get what I want) but deep down I HATE everything. I hate so much. My anger burns inside me and I can often feel the fire right behind my eyes, boiling in my veins. I seem to be getting worse over the years. I'm better at controlling my fists (for the most part) but part of me just wants to constantly lash out and hurt people. I don't know, I think I'm damned to be this way. No amount of therapy or medication will ever take away my hatred. Honestly my anger is the only thing keeping me going but I know that ultimately it will destroy me. I don't know what the solution is. I keep everything bottled up but I feel like I'm going to snap one day and do something bad. Every night as I get in bed I pray that I just drift off into a coma and never wake up. I need to get laid.
The appointments today with the therapist and psychiatrist were pretty grueling. We grilled me over all my journal entries concerning episodes from the past year, which is 13 since March of last year, not counting instances of mania. They asked a bunch of questions about my day to day life, like what my living situation is and what my social life is and how I react to crowds and to describe my emotions and how emotional stable I am (which is not very). They asked for pictures of where I live. I’m seeing them again in the week, after they confer with my normal psychiatrist and they clear my MRI and tox screen. The therapist gave me some tips on dealing with hallucinations, but I don’t think they’re any good since I can’t really tell mine from reality and they're general startling while they’re happening. They also said to keep journaling because it may keep me from falling for the same thing twice. It was also recommended that I get rid of my guns and to call someone immediately if I start to feel in any way unusual or funny.
Well, I can only speak from my experience but like...
You don't choose when you become depressed and when you don't majority the time. You always have this little voice in the back of your head telling you all these doubts and distorting reality from what it truly is.
To give an example, I was discussing with a friend yesterday that I'm not a bad person. What did my depression do? Still believed that I'm a horrible awful person.
It's always a white noise going through your head and sometimes you feel like you're nothing but a shell of a person. And this sensation can translate into physical headaches or body aches at times. Sometimes you can do nothing but just lie in bed all day because your depression had been paralyzing you from even getting up and making a cup of tea.
One of the good ways to counter depression is as your friend is doing, by constantly doing stuff, but at the same time to a person with depression, it feels like you can never relax because the second you stop doing things, the depression strikes hard. Normally you reach out to people when that happens, but that cannot always be the case for a lot of people, so they melt down or keep it inside. The worst part about reaching out for people with depression, we feel sometimes it's a burden on other people or we're constantly bothering them because of the frequency of reaching out. Your friend might be doing that when it comes to keeping it inside.
I think what you can do to help him is just by being there and listen to him, and make sure he knows he can reach out to you. I still have trouble to this day accepting I can reach out to close friends but even then I feel I'm nothing but a bother because of my depression. Sometimes just hanging out his place can help stave off loneliness or inviting him to a low key place for a cup of coffee
or whatever low key things guys do...I don't know guys too well to be honest...
can get his mind off of things. But just don't give up on him and be there for him.
"Being friends with a depressed person is one of the hardest things, but it's one of the kindest things you can do."
I feel like a drug addict. When the effects of the dextroamphetamine wane I start to get more anxious, and I know that my body wants more. I have only been taking it once a day. If I can go to bed earlier, I might take two doses today and see what that is like. I might need to be on stronger anxiety medication if I continue taking amphetamines.
To me it sounds like you are, in some respects, still grieving the loss of your relationship with your ex. You don't know what you want to do next in life and I think it's actually okay to be like that for a while. Instead of struggling against the unknown you can instead embrace it, you have enough time to enjoy your hobbies and right now your work doesn't give you too much hassle. That's not a privilege too many people get to enjoy. You have a long life ahead of you and there will be opportunities to find someone special, nobody says you have to get married before 30.
How do you know you can't talk to your friends about these things if you've never tried to? I think people can and will surprise you.
I think I've been having panic attacks for the last few months.
I had one last night, I feel like I desperately need to escape from my life and what I can see as my future, but I don't have anywhere to go that won't result in the same things happening. I'm so scared that this is all I'm going to be, and the truth is I would rather die than try to rebuild and fail again.
To me it sounds like you are, in some respects, still grieving the loss of your relationship with your ex. You don't know what you want to do next in life and I think it's actually okay to be like that for a while. Instead of struggling against the unknown you can instead embrace it, you have enough time to enjoy your hobbies and right now your work doesn't give you too much hassle. That's not a privilege too many people get to enjoy. You have a long life ahead of you and there will be opportunities to find someone special, nobody says you have to get married before 30.
How do you know you can't talk to your friends about these things if you've never tried to? I think people can and will surprise you.
Thanks for your answer man and I think you are right. I think the best thing for me is to just let time go by. I think whenever communication has occurred it just makes memories and things fresh again and it's my fault for messaging almost six months ago and kind of resetting some stuff. All of these thoughts and feeling down happened just before and after my birthday, first time she's never messaged saying happy birthday and not so I guess that is the real issue here that has prompt all this. I guess I have the thoughts on the back of my head thinking I won't find someone like her again in some respects but I know that is hog wash as I've come across similar peeps and had a lot of good fun and experiences so it's just a matter of going with the flow. I just have some regrets on the way it ended and lost a very good friend from it. I just remember the great times where I truly fell like I was at peace/home and now I don't feel much of that (outside some peaceful stuff) but I know given a few years I can get my own place and call it my home or something. Perhaps I am worrying/over thinking too much in self soul searching for someone who is only just turned 24?
As for my friends, I know someone would be happy to listen and not judge me for letting out some feelings but I don't want to feel like someone who's repeated himself, I guess it's more a male pride thing if anything.
No I know...
I just...kinda wish I still remained feeling unworthy so I wouldn't bother going after love interests or making efforts and stuff. It's tiring for a depressed person at times.
No I know...
I just...kinda wish I still remained feeling unworthy so I wouldn't bother going after love interests or making efforts and stuff. It's tiring for a depressed person at times.
