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Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
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Out of Working Order
Member
I know exactly how you feel. We have similar problems from what I can see, and I know it's fucking awful.
I feel like I am waking up in a nightmare most days. I have my parents and brother, and I am so thankful for that, but my life is an absolute hopeless wreck. I don't know what it'd do to them if I were to end it, but sometimes I worry the internal pain and struggle will override my rational thought one day.
I see suicide as the ultimate 'fuck you' to life. And it'd give me great satisfaction to finally say 'fuck you; I don't have to put up with this shit'.
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
Again, this does not refer to anyone here on GAF or this thread, but man it irks me when people don't acknowledge me and ignore me. If I'm really that much of a pest; If I am really that annoying or if you really dislike me that much.... fucking tell me so I don't have to live with a lie that you're my "friend" or you "care" about me.
Just to be clear once again, this has nothing to do with anyone here at all. It's more about people I know face-to-face. I'm also not referring to any kind of 'picking up a girl' fedora "please respond" kind of situation at all but rather so-called "friends" and other people who feel the best way to deal with me is ignoring me.
Yes, I'm fucking stupid. Yes, I have learning disabilities and other issues but I'm not that dumb to know when people are blowing me off. If there's one thing I might be good at, it's reading people. I even had a former friend tell me that. Like it or not, some people are more transparent then they think they are as well.
Just to be clear once again, this has nothing to do with anyone here at all. It's more about people I know face-to-face. I'm also not referring to any kind of 'picking up a girl' fedora "please respond" kind of situation at all but rather so-called "friends" and other people who feel the best way to deal with me is ignoring me.
Yes, I'm fucking stupid. Yes, I have learning disabilities and other issues but I'm not that dumb to know when people are blowing me off. If there's one thing I might be good at, it's reading people. I even had a former friend tell me that. Like it or not, some people are more transparent then they think they are as well.
It gets to me, too. It's why I don't post unless something big happens, and even then there's not much of a response.
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
Yeah exactly. I don't want people here in this thread or the forum as a whole to think I am talking about them, but yes it happens here too. However, more recent situations has this happening to me on Facebook with people I know more often than not. But I'm not going to hide the fact it doesn't happen on GAF as well and I've always assumed a lot of people here think to themselves "not that idiot Darkmakaimura posting again". It's more people just thinking I'm a dullard then actually be offensive, since if there's one thing I do pretty well on forums is avoid name-calling or trolling of any kind.
My posts are so grim and awful that almost no one ever responds to them. But I don't expect anyone to. After a while, you just accept that people only have so many things they can say.
Cameron122
Member
I failed all my classes
Darkmakaimura
Can You Imagine What SureAI Is Going To Do With Garfield?
This is true and I know from the "controversy" that happened awhile back around me that people were also a bit upset about people posting self-deprecating and posts about wanting to kill one's self and whatnot. Of course, I'm completely guilty of putting myself down (and I consider it a lot more truth than just "putting myself down" but whatever) which is partially why that got started. Since then, I've really tried not to say 'bad' things about myself here. Needless to say, I'm still whining about things just about every post I make.
But you're right people only have so much they can say. From my observations, it seems people here legitimately care about you and like you and I would go so far to say you seem pretty "popular" here and in chat for lack of a better term. Not much I can say in your defense other than I hope you can find whatever it is that makes you happy and honestly, if you were in Vegas I'd ask you if you'd wanna go out for a few drinks whenever I have the money (which is almost never).
It's completely 100% natural for someone to want attention. Socializing and being noticed is vital to being a human being. We're not meant to be alone. It's actually quite damaging physically, mentally and emotionally to be alone unless it's something you really, really want. We need each other.
Hope things go well for you, man. Even if you can't go to college, you aren't irrelevant.
Keep us updated.
I know that feeling, bruh
Anton668
Member
i find it difficult at times to express myself so please bare with me
so....
just ruined a relationship of roughly 8 years.
nobody really left to talk to since ive been slowly receding from friends and loved ones (hence no longer being in a relationship)
started a few years into the relationship when I lost my job of 20 years. when you work somewhere that long it really becomes part of you more than you realize. the first year after wast too bad. it was like a hella long vacation, just nice after so long to say fuck it, ima gonna do whatever I want. after the year i was gonna find another job. then the economy tanks and the jobs seemed to dry up overnight.
long story short, the best ive found so far is part time work for min wage.
growing up with a working class ex marine for a father, being able to support yourself and your family was paramount. so, i've failed spectacularly there.
also , after the ex's father past away, we started to.... drift apart i guess you could say.
lemme put this here fore i forget and also explain some things...
i was abused as a child. severely. physical, mental, emotional.
my only defense was to hide in my room, shut down. and after far too many years of that, it has become my go to plan whenever a problem arises. Not by choice mind you, I feel like Pavlovs dog at this point.
And it really sucks, because, I know why I am the way I am, and pretty much know what im doing. But I cant stop it at this point.
Anywho...
the g/f starts to change, we seem to no longer have as many similar interests as we did, she let herself go after taking a year to get herself in shape, meanwhile I was retreating away from everyone (its my SOP) also letting myself go in the process which I was not happy with nor was she really. So that made me withdraw more.
Things we used to do together I had no intrest in, really couldnt find the motavation to go out and do activitys we once did. The sex life took a nose dive as unfortunately I no longer found her (or myself for that matter) as attractive as I once did. Now this does not mean I loved her less. But thats how it came across to her. I was happy just being in the room with her, sleeping next to her.
but everything just turned into a vicious cycle.
And heres the thing, she gave me one last chance, months ago. And I said im going to fix this, I know whats wrong with me and what im doing. And sure enough, I just hid.
So, here I am, no more relationship, no friends, no life. Living together still because neither of us can afford to move out...
I understand my problems pale in comparison to many others, but I really have nowhere else to vent anymore in my life.
And yes theres probably large gaps missing somewhere. But as I said, I sometimes find it difficult to get the words in my head to transfer to text. I'll talk your ear off if given the chance, but writing it down.. not so much
anyways, sorry for wasting your time...
so....
just ruined a relationship of roughly 8 years.
nobody really left to talk to since ive been slowly receding from friends and loved ones (hence no longer being in a relationship)
started a few years into the relationship when I lost my job of 20 years. when you work somewhere that long it really becomes part of you more than you realize. the first year after wast too bad. it was like a hella long vacation, just nice after so long to say fuck it, ima gonna do whatever I want. after the year i was gonna find another job. then the economy tanks and the jobs seemed to dry up overnight.
long story short, the best ive found so far is part time work for min wage.
growing up with a working class ex marine for a father, being able to support yourself and your family was paramount. so, i've failed spectacularly there.
also , after the ex's father past away, we started to.... drift apart i guess you could say.
lemme put this here fore i forget and also explain some things...
i was abused as a child. severely. physical, mental, emotional.
my only defense was to hide in my room, shut down. and after far too many years of that, it has become my go to plan whenever a problem arises. Not by choice mind you, I feel like Pavlovs dog at this point.
And it really sucks, because, I know why I am the way I am, and pretty much know what im doing. But I cant stop it at this point.
Anywho...
the g/f starts to change, we seem to no longer have as many similar interests as we did, she let herself go after taking a year to get herself in shape, meanwhile I was retreating away from everyone (its my SOP) also letting myself go in the process which I was not happy with nor was she really. So that made me withdraw more.
Things we used to do together I had no intrest in, really couldnt find the motavation to go out and do activitys we once did. The sex life took a nose dive as unfortunately I no longer found her (or myself for that matter) as attractive as I once did. Now this does not mean I loved her less. But thats how it came across to her. I was happy just being in the room with her, sleeping next to her.
but everything just turned into a vicious cycle.
And heres the thing, she gave me one last chance, months ago. And I said im going to fix this, I know whats wrong with me and what im doing. And sure enough, I just hid.
So, here I am, no more relationship, no friends, no life. Living together still because neither of us can afford to move out...
I understand my problems pale in comparison to many others, but I really have nowhere else to vent anymore in my life.
And yes theres probably large gaps missing somewhere. But as I said, I sometimes find it difficult to get the words in my head to transfer to text. I'll talk your ear off if given the chance, but writing it down.. not so much
anyways, sorry for wasting your time...
To be fair, there are only a limited amount of things one can say. & even if I don't always reply, it is not to say, I haven't read a post.
Sometimes I think, OK, so and so would be better at articulating a response.
Anyways, there are really three basic ways to respond to any given event.
1. Not to react
2. React negatively
3. React positively
Far too often we choose number 2. When really 3 would be better.
BTW what I came to say is that I'm going to a Samaritan open meeting later today. Let's see what happens and whether I can learn a few skills.
MisterLuffy
Member
I just came back from my final I had today. I feel like I did worse than on the midterm for C. I'm so worried that I'm going to fail data structures. Where's a comet when you need one? I hate when people have more options than I do. I hate when some people have parents who are more understanding than mines.
I hear ya man. Most of my family is out of state, and they dont seem to give a fuck. I mean, they care, but not really. It should be painfully obvious to them i am a miserable piece of shit but denial seems to be the best medicine for them.
Anyway, most days i endure absolute misery at work alone, waiting to go home. Then i go home and i get drunk, and watch really emotional movies so that i can manage to feel something. Tonight i watched White Oleander. It's one of my favorite movies. Deals with fucked up childhoods, something im familiar with.
Prax
Member
Hi again everyone!
Not much up with me except a small foray into battling social anxiety tendencies. I tried to make more online artist community friends, and it was pretty nice as they were receptive~! Woo~! But there was an opportunity to meet them in person at a local comic/arts convention, but then I just bought some stuff and ran away like a baby without telling them who I was after making a fool of myself to boot. Hahaha.. social anxiety is great.
At least it makes for amusing stories?
I have an opportunity to "try again" this weekend at Anime North, so maybe thiiisss time I'll actually say hello and stick around to chat and not implode and hopefully not annoy them and.. so many ands.
I also got a cryptic message from Uchip from tumblr a few days ago saying "it is time". I asked him what he meant, but he hasn't replied since, which is a bit out of character. Hopefully it means he went to the hospital instead of something worse. But if any of you know what's going on, it'd be nice to know if he's okay? I'm hoping he's okay.
What you describe does sound like the typical outcome of having bipolar disorder. I am not sure what he solution is besides a lot of therapy to better learn to control your swings/intensity in mood.
And it sounds like if you're feeling a lot of hate and just raging energy in general, it would be best to channel it into somewhere as a vent. My typical answer is to do something creative and artsy to change the destructive desires into something that creates (even if what you create is like.. angry art or something). It's still a switch in mode and might help you integrate yourself with your emotions better.
You mention that your anger keeps you going. Like maybe it's a thirst for revenge? To prove someone wrong? If so, that's not completely a bad thing, and it's good that it became a kind of life energy for you. I think that if you have excess spillover anger (which you are afraid might eventually drown you), you have to put it to work for you into something else, like art or even social justice work, and then learn to let go as that stuff speaks for itself after. Then you can focus on enjoying instead.
Not sure if I'm making a lot of sense, but hopefully you get something out of that!
You possibly just need to treat everything you see that's "off" as if it's a dream and be confident in having a plan that you can ritually go through every time it happens. Even if you can't tell it from reality, I guess if something scary or crazy is happening, something like "Stop, sit down, hold hands together, stare at hands, take ten deeps breaths, and close eyes, count to 5, call someone" could ground you enough to not jump the gun so to speak. Just practice and do it all the time so it becomes a part of your coping?
Hopefully this gets better, but hallucinations on that level seem pretty bad if not drug-induced. I forget, did you mention having schizophrenia?
Are you overly stressed about things in your life? It's always possible to make changes, even if they are small. We are all scared of trying and failing at things in life, but it's important to remember that it's also okay to fail. A lot of things are not the big deal we feel they are in the moment. Just keep trying to find ways to make your life more stable and good for you, and that no matter what happens, you can still keep going.
Have you watched Millennium Actress? I kind of think of that when you described your chase. lol Fuelling you through the many chapters of your life. And whether you find that person or not, many you'll always feel spurred to chase another dream and another. It's tiring but also thrilling, and it seems like it even pushes you through your depression to keep going anyway.
Yeah, I think it's just hard to figure out what to say when someone is overly negative. What would you personally LIKE them to say? I think sometimes people are also afraid of rejection from people who are negative too. You try to cheer them up or say something nice about them, and they just stonewall or throw it back in your face like you are a liar or a fool. And it's not anyone's fault, really.. that's just how it is when it comes to depression or self-esteem issues, so it's hard to work through from both sides. It kind of takes someone with skill or training (like a psychologist) to get around this kind of logical pitfall. It would be nice if all people were capable of being emotionally sensitive and aware and knowing the right things to do or say, but that's not the case, so we try to forgive people and take the best they have in their capacity to give. (Sometimes it's not much.. some people be dense or elusive! lol But if they are in your lives for some reason and you want them to be, there must be something about them that nourishes your existence even if it's not what you need at the moment).
I think the best thing to do is remember the fact that we're all a little confused and aren't perfect when it comes to support and rejection. We should show compassion and empathy from both sides so we don't take bad things personally, and hopefully we CAN take good things personally so it nourishes us.
It's good you're aware that being negative all the time is hard for you and others to work with, and that you are trying to change a little to be better to yourself. Be better to yourself. Believe more in the good things. I think that also makes you more open to perceiving and receiving other people. And I still have trouble believing you're as unintelligent as you say. lol You have a lot of insight. You may not feel booksmart or something, but there's a lot more to intelligence than just logic and academics.
You have been through a lot in life, and it sound like you could use a therapist to talk to and sort some of this stuff out and break out of old patterns. And that will be difficult and may take more time than you feel you have, but i think it's still possible for you to get better.
Do you feel like you are still supportive of one another as friends? It seems like maybe you can get back into shape together and maybe try to undo your cycle.
Do you have a hobby you're enjoying and can branch out with? Anything to give you more of a feeling of growth and sense of community with others who pursue the same interests. I mean, you are on gaf, so I assume games, so maybe there's something there that can help you establish new links and motivations to get out of your cycle.
Not much up with me except a small foray into battling social anxiety tendencies. I tried to make more online artist community friends, and it was pretty nice as they were receptive~! Woo~! But there was an opportunity to meet them in person at a local comic/arts convention, but then I just bought some stuff and ran away like a baby without telling them who I was after making a fool of myself to boot. Hahaha.. social anxiety is great.
At least it makes for amusing stories?
I have an opportunity to "try again" this weekend at Anime North, so maybe thiiisss time I'll actually say hello and stick around to chat and not implode and hopefully not annoy them and.. so many ands.
I also got a cryptic message from Uchip from tumblr a few days ago saying "it is time". I asked him what he meant, but he hasn't replied since, which is a bit out of character. Hopefully it means he went to the hospital instead of something worse. But if any of you know what's going on, it'd be nice to know if he's okay? I'm hoping he's okay.
You can be intelligent and flawed! Heck knows lots of people are! I guess you don't need to accept the label, but as long as you're objective about your skills and limitations, you can better work at being who you want to be.
What you describe does sound like the typical outcome of having bipolar disorder. I am not sure what he solution is besides a lot of therapy to better learn to control your swings/intensity in mood.
And it sounds like if you're feeling a lot of hate and just raging energy in general, it would be best to channel it into somewhere as a vent. My typical answer is to do something creative and artsy to change the destructive desires into something that creates (even if what you create is like.. angry art or something). It's still a switch in mode and might help you integrate yourself with your emotions better.
You mention that your anger keeps you going. Like maybe it's a thirst for revenge? To prove someone wrong? If so, that's not completely a bad thing, and it's good that it became a kind of life energy for you. I think that if you have excess spillover anger (which you are afraid might eventually drown you), you have to put it to work for you into something else, like art or even social justice work, and then learn to let go as that stuff speaks for itself after. Then you can focus on enjoying instead.
Not sure if I'm making a lot of sense, but hopefully you get something out of that!
Your hallucination adventure sounds so traumatizing (reminds me of a nightmare I once had that I couldn't wake up from even though i knew it was a dream!).. and it probably is a good idea to not have those guns if you might see those things and it tempts you to defend yourself. No one wants random shooting accidents and shrapnel flying..
You possibly just need to treat everything you see that's "off" as if it's a dream and be confident in having a plan that you can ritually go through every time it happens. Even if you can't tell it from reality, I guess if something scary or crazy is happening, something like "Stop, sit down, hold hands together, stare at hands, take ten deeps breaths, and close eyes, count to 5, call someone" could ground you enough to not jump the gun so to speak. Just practice and do it all the time so it becomes a part of your coping?
Hopefully this gets better, but hallucinations on that level seem pretty bad if not drug-induced. I forget, did you mention having schizophrenia?
Panic attacks seem so awful and scary since it's like every part of your is overreacting and you can't stop it, but remember that the feeling pass and you do regain control again, so it's not something you have to worry about a lot. It happens and it'll go away and you'll be okay.
Are you overly stressed about things in your life? It's always possible to make changes, even if they are small. We are all scared of trying and failing at things in life, but it's important to remember that it's also okay to fail. A lot of things are not the big deal we feel they are in the moment. Just keep trying to find ways to make your life more stable and good for you, and that no matter what happens, you can still keep going.
I think what you have is good. Having worth and it giving you the courage to pursue stuff even if it might lead to failure. That's the goodness of the human spirit at work. It's a little bit reckless or foolhardy, but it's inspiring.
Have you watched Millennium Actress? I kind of think of that when you described your chase. lol Fuelling you through the many chapters of your life. And whether you find that person or not, many you'll always feel spurred to chase another dream and another. It's tiring but also thrilling, and it seems like it even pushes you through your depression to keep going anyway.
Yeah, I think it's just hard to figure out what to say when someone is overly negative. What would you personally LIKE them to say? I think sometimes people are also afraid of rejection from people who are negative too. You try to cheer them up or say something nice about them, and they just stonewall or throw it back in your face like you are a liar or a fool. And it's not anyone's fault, really.. that's just how it is when it comes to depression or self-esteem issues, so it's hard to work through from both sides. It kind of takes someone with skill or training (like a psychologist) to get around this kind of logical pitfall. It would be nice if all people were capable of being emotionally sensitive and aware and knowing the right things to do or say, but that's not the case, so we try to forgive people and take the best they have in their capacity to give. (Sometimes it's not much.. some people be dense or elusive! lol But if they are in your lives for some reason and you want them to be, there must be something about them that nourishes your existence even if it's not what you need at the moment).
I think the best thing to do is remember the fact that we're all a little confused and aren't perfect when it comes to support and rejection. We should show compassion and empathy from both sides so we don't take bad things personally, and hopefully we CAN take good things personally so it nourishes us.
It's good you're aware that being negative all the time is hard for you and others to work with, and that you are trying to change a little to be better to yourself. Be better to yourself. Believe more in the good things. I think that also makes you more open to perceiving and receiving other people. And I still have trouble believing you're as unintelligent as you say. lol You have a lot of insight. You may not feel booksmart or something, but there's a lot more to intelligence than just logic and academics.
That's all really sad to hear. Is she experiencing problems with depression too?
You have been through a lot in life, and it sound like you could use a therapist to talk to and sort some of this stuff out and break out of old patterns. And that will be difficult and may take more time than you feel you have, but i think it's still possible for you to get better.
Do you feel like you are still supportive of one another as friends? It seems like maybe you can get back into shape together and maybe try to undo your cycle.
Do you have a hobby you're enjoying and can branch out with? Anything to give you more of a feeling of growth and sense of community with others who pursue the same interests. I mean, you are on gaf, so I assume games, so maybe there's something there that can help you establish new links and motivations to get out of your cycle.
My foray back into the dating world was a huge bust, partly because of my own doing, self-sabotage, a little dishonesty, and clouded judgement. I felt like a child running over to stick his toe into a pool, only to feel it was super cold and then ran back to my mommy or something.
The rejection stung... A lot. But, I realize that this particular person's personality and mine did clash a little... I am doing myself not to beat myself about it, because it's just going to make me feel like shit. It's very difficult, though. With me, the logic becomes clear first and then emotions lag behind like a snail...
So... No dating for a long time. Time to go and nurse those wounds.
The rejection stung... A lot. But, I realize that this particular person's personality and mine did clash a little... I am doing myself not to beat myself about it, because it's just going to make me feel like shit. It's very difficult, though. With me, the logic becomes clear first and then emotions lag behind like a snail...
So... No dating for a long time. Time to go and nurse those wounds.
Prax
Member
At least you tried! And hopefully you learned how you can adjust a little for next time with a little more honesty and less self-sabotage. Everything's hindsight with dating anyway, so you don't need to feel alone in that. The more you practice, the better and more intuitive it will get?
I think withdrawing and nursing for a while is okay just to process what happened (and hopefully organize it into a "interesting experience" pile instead of just a negative events pile). Maybe you'll find compelling reasons to spring back up and try again sooner than you thought, which could be nice too.
GurgleBot20
Member
So I should be looking for jobs now, but I have no idea how to go about it, or where online to look. Just graduated (with a BS in Computer Science and a BA in Film), and a bit scared to move on with my life.
Also saw the doctor yesterday, we talked about a depression for a bit. He doubled the dosage of my medication, (from Venlafaxin 150mg to 300mg), and cave me some names for potential counselors. I'm worried though, because my family isn't in a good financial situation, and I might not even have insurance in a month :/
Yet, I still feel so unmotivated and I don't know how to reverse that.
Also saw the doctor yesterday, we talked about a depression for a bit. He doubled the dosage of my medication, (from Venlafaxin 150mg to 300mg), and cave me some names for potential counselors. I'm worried though, because my family isn't in a good financial situation, and I might not even have insurance in a month :/
Yet, I still feel so unmotivated and I don't know how to reverse that.
MisterLuffy
Member
I used to love math, but as I got around pre-calculus, calculus I & II, and failed discrete math. It's not my favorite subject anymore. I feel like I've said this before.
You have, I remember! I never liked math much, and now I don't care about anything in school. It all seems like a waste to me right now. :/
Just wanted to say Thank you to Prax for listening to me vent last month. After a lot more test and a few different doctors I think I finally have something I can work with. I have something called Bronchial Hyperreactivity.
Thank you all here for responding, I was making myself sick worry about this and not having anyone believe me. But finally someone stopped and listened to me. Finally.
MisterLuffy
Member
I have a tendency to repeat myself, lol.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm not doing well in college because I have no passion for my major nor do I have the motivation to get good grades. I keep telling myself that I'm wasting my time. To be honest, college is all I have that makes me relevant. I have no options. I wish I could give you advice, but I'm in the same boat.
I know that feeling. I'm doing summer school right now, but with the way I'm feeling about it, I don't want to continue on, nor do I want to go back in September. I just want to crawl into a hole and die, really. :/
Femmeworth
Banned
I think my new therapist basically said today in session that she wouldn't forcefully (i.e. call the cops) try to stop me if I said I was going to commit suicide.
I think that's part of the confidentiality agreement, no?
Just so everyone in this thread, knows, I hold no such confidentiality agreement. Suicide is and will always be an individual's choice, but if you tell me [via pm or otherwise] you are going to commit suicide [now], I will inform the moderators who may choose to call the authorities to get you help.
Does that mean you shouldn't tell me anything, like some of you already do? That's up to you. If I think you are at immediate suicide risk, I will try to get you help. Of course not everyone will be. And it is a good thing to talk about suicide. It is no taboo for me to talk frankly about suicide. Or mental health.
Other people [in this thread] will definitely be more confidential.
I went to a Samaritans meeting today. And no I'm not a Samaritan, but their official policy is that they will not tell or call the police. To put simply: Samaritans suicide line: 100% confidentiality. Please call, text, email, or visit a branch in person, if this is important to you.
Just so everyone in this thread, knows, I hold no such confidentiality agreement. Suicide is and will always be an individual's choice, but if you tell me [via pm or otherwise] you are going to commit suicide [now], I will inform the moderators who may choose to call the authorities to get you help.
Does that mean you shouldn't tell me anything, like some of you already do? That's up to you. If I think you are at immediate suicide risk, I will try to get you help. Of course not everyone will be. And it is a good thing to talk about suicide. It is no taboo for me to talk frankly about suicide. Or mental health.
Other people [in this thread] will definitely be more confidential.
I went to a Samaritans meeting today. And no I'm not a Samaritan, but their official policy is that they will not tell or call the police. To put simply: Samaritans suicide line: 100% confidentiality. Please call, text, email, or visit a branch in person, if this is important to you.
Femmeworth
Banned
No, they are still obligated by law. Imminent danger overrides confidentially or something like that.
Ah. I see. Do you know if this is a rule for professional councillors?
Because here in the UK, calls to call centres [such as the Samaritans] are confidential.
Same here in Canada like Femmeworth said. Confidentiality is overruled if
a) you pose an imminent threat to yourself or others
b) there is a criminal investigation which forces them to release information
Femmeworth
Banned
I should have said I was in the states.
MisterLuffy
Member
I wish I could give you advice, I feel like I don't want to be alive since I feel like I'm not getting anywhere in life. The only thing I could think about or doing is moving forward and see where my life takes me.
My final is this Friday. Once I'm done with the final, I'll be in irrelevant status.
MisterArrogant
Neo Member
Anyone in here familiar with individuals clinically diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder? I strongly believe my ex-GF was/is suffering from it. I'm curious about examples of how individuals present with it in relationships. Just for comparison's sake.
I believe pretty strongly that she was, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just blowing things out of proportion. I'd be nice to hear some examples if anyone had any to share that I could compare against mine. Thanks!
I believe pretty strongly that she was, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just blowing things out of proportion. I'd be nice to hear some examples if anyone had any to share that I could compare against mine. Thanks!
Got nothing to say, just quoting because this was an inspirational post. I especially liked this quote:
"We're all just Pokemon. We need to constantly evolve, and better ourselves."
Thanks.
so i mustered up the courage to go back to a psychiatrist to talk about my ADHD and take my medication seriously for the first time since high school. we talked for a bit about my previous medical history, what i'd tried before, history of mental disorders in my family, whatever. the usual stuff. he prescribed me vyvanse.
i have a pretty screwed up history with ADHD medication. i've been on adderall, concerta, pretty sure i tried ritalin a long time ago, and the last one that i attempted was vyvanse. vyvanse in high school worked wonders (as far as i can remember) for a bit. but my then-psychatrist decided to up my dosage every time i visited him. eventually, the summer in between my sophomore and junior year, i was bumped up to 120mg every morning. that's 2 60mg pills. it's overkill. i dropped 40 pounds that summer break. junior year was hell. i began to have these little mental breakdowns in class. i wasn't sure what was happening at first. i'd start breathing heavily, panic would set in, and my right hand would develop this twitch. it's hard to explain. thoughts of suicide sometimes came up. these panic attacks started out small, but gradually over a few weeks i'd start having them almost daily, and they were getting worse and worse. then one day i was sitting in french class and got the biggest one i'd had so far. i went to the nurse who called my mom, told her that all i had was restless leg syndrome and that i was fine and just needed to sit it out. my mom told her off. i demanded that i go to a psychologist instead of my usual psychiatrist because i was done taking medication. so i did. i stopped taking the medication, started talking to a shrink for a bit, and the attacks stopped. i also regained most of the weight i lost (kinda sucks, cuz i'm pretty overweight and the weight loss was nice even though i lost it in the unhealthiest way).
since then, i graduated from high school and then proceeded flunked out of two different colleges, one being a community college. not my finest hour. it's really, really hard for me to concentrate in class. the last time i tried college was last year. they kicked me out for a year, but let me enroll for summer classes this year. so i decided that it's time to try this out again, it's been a good 4-5 years since i'd taken any medication, maybe there have been some advances in the field (lol no). i've grown up a lot since then, i'm not depressed anymore. maybe this time it'll work.
this new psychatrist seems like a really nice guy. he put me on 50mg and i see him again in a month. i started this morning and it feels really weird. my chest feels weird, not like my heart hurts or something, it's just weird. i didn't eat much last night and normally my appetite is out of control and i eat all of the things, but this morning i have zero urge to eat anything. the hunger is there, but it's like there's some kind of cap over it in the back of my mind that's saying naaah bro you're fine. overall, i just feel weird. i didn't expect the meds to react this quickly, i figured it'd take a week or two, so this is kinda jarring. school starts in a week and a half, we'll see how this goes.
i have a pretty hard time conveying my thoughts into coherent sentences, and i hope this didn't come off too ramble-y.
i have a pretty screwed up history with ADHD medication. i've been on adderall, concerta, pretty sure i tried ritalin a long time ago, and the last one that i attempted was vyvanse. vyvanse in high school worked wonders (as far as i can remember) for a bit. but my then-psychatrist decided to up my dosage every time i visited him. eventually, the summer in between my sophomore and junior year, i was bumped up to 120mg every morning. that's 2 60mg pills. it's overkill. i dropped 40 pounds that summer break. junior year was hell. i began to have these little mental breakdowns in class. i wasn't sure what was happening at first. i'd start breathing heavily, panic would set in, and my right hand would develop this twitch. it's hard to explain. thoughts of suicide sometimes came up. these panic attacks started out small, but gradually over a few weeks i'd start having them almost daily, and they were getting worse and worse. then one day i was sitting in french class and got the biggest one i'd had so far. i went to the nurse who called my mom, told her that all i had was restless leg syndrome and that i was fine and just needed to sit it out. my mom told her off. i demanded that i go to a psychologist instead of my usual psychiatrist because i was done taking medication. so i did. i stopped taking the medication, started talking to a shrink for a bit, and the attacks stopped. i also regained most of the weight i lost (kinda sucks, cuz i'm pretty overweight and the weight loss was nice even though i lost it in the unhealthiest way).
since then, i graduated from high school and then proceeded flunked out of two different colleges, one being a community college. not my finest hour. it's really, really hard for me to concentrate in class. the last time i tried college was last year. they kicked me out for a year, but let me enroll for summer classes this year. so i decided that it's time to try this out again, it's been a good 4-5 years since i'd taken any medication, maybe there have been some advances in the field (lol no). i've grown up a lot since then, i'm not depressed anymore. maybe this time it'll work.
this new psychatrist seems like a really nice guy. he put me on 50mg and i see him again in a month. i started this morning and it feels really weird. my chest feels weird, not like my heart hurts or something, it's just weird. i didn't eat much last night and normally my appetite is out of control and i eat all of the things, but this morning i have zero urge to eat anything. the hunger is there, but it's like there's some kind of cap over it in the back of my mind that's saying naaah bro you're fine. overall, i just feel weird. i didn't expect the meds to react this quickly, i figured it'd take a week or two, so this is kinda jarring. school starts in a week and a half, we'll see how this goes.
i have a pretty hard time conveying my thoughts into coherent sentences, and i hope this didn't come off too ramble-y.
I've been hearing more of the usual complaints about this thread and community so I thought I'd take a second to respond.
I see posts elsewhere on GAF from people struggling with mental health issues, usually alongside posts about how this thread is not helpful because no one ever replies to anything. It's a fair criticism in some ways - plenty of posts get no responses, even fewer than before. Unfortunately, many of the people who used to come here more and try to be more helpful are going through tough times, myself included. Plenty of people are still reading and responding, but a few voices I counted on seeing just have not been able to come around. I want to get back to posting and responding more now that things are looking up a bit in my life (more on that later?). I'm on twitter all the time, too. You can message me if you want my twitter handle.
I hear complaints that there is too much venting ("bitching/complaining"), that people are made to feel bad for venting, that no one ever has anything helpful to say, that only select people get responses...it's all stuff I've heard before.
I like being part of the thread, trying to be helpful, being a point of contact for people, but it's not exactly up to me to tell people what to post or not post, you know? I like being identified with the community and I'm really proud of it, but a lot of people seem to think I somehow have special mod powers in here. It's weird. I'm just another poster with depression.
I do have one small suggestion, though. One reason posts don't get responded to is that people are not sure what the poster is asking for. It's very helpful if people are very clear about this. Some people do just want to vent. If they end by saying "thanks for reading. I just wanted to finally say that somewhere," it's great, because it sort of says "hey, I'm not looking for someone to tell me how to fix any of this. It just sucks and I wanted to just get it out. If people want to talk more about it, that's cool." On the other hand, a similar sounding post may actually be a series of questions or requests for help with things. The clearer you can be, and the closer to the start of a post, about saying "hey, can i get some advice?" or "I have some questions..." the better. Plenty of people already do this and still don't get responses, but a lot gets posted and when it's not clear what some people are looking for, there are plenty of people who want to answer later posts, but think, "but what should I say to that first person?" and get dissuaded from responding at all. Mental illness is confusing and murky and difficult enough as it is, and plenty of times it's hard to know what to say even when an explicit request is made for help. Whatever we can all do to make things clearer for each other, the better.
I see posts elsewhere on GAF from people struggling with mental health issues, usually alongside posts about how this thread is not helpful because no one ever replies to anything. It's a fair criticism in some ways - plenty of posts get no responses, even fewer than before. Unfortunately, many of the people who used to come here more and try to be more helpful are going through tough times, myself included. Plenty of people are still reading and responding, but a few voices I counted on seeing just have not been able to come around. I want to get back to posting and responding more now that things are looking up a bit in my life (more on that later?). I'm on twitter all the time, too. You can message me if you want my twitter handle.
I hear complaints that there is too much venting ("bitching/complaining"), that people are made to feel bad for venting, that no one ever has anything helpful to say, that only select people get responses...it's all stuff I've heard before.
I like being part of the thread, trying to be helpful, being a point of contact for people, but it's not exactly up to me to tell people what to post or not post, you know? I like being identified with the community and I'm really proud of it, but a lot of people seem to think I somehow have special mod powers in here. It's weird. I'm just another poster with depression.
I do have one small suggestion, though. One reason posts don't get responded to is that people are not sure what the poster is asking for. It's very helpful if people are very clear about this. Some people do just want to vent. If they end by saying "thanks for reading. I just wanted to finally say that somewhere," it's great, because it sort of says "hey, I'm not looking for someone to tell me how to fix any of this. It just sucks and I wanted to just get it out. If people want to talk more about it, that's cool." On the other hand, a similar sounding post may actually be a series of questions or requests for help with things. The clearer you can be, and the closer to the start of a post, about saying "hey, can i get some advice?" or "I have some questions..." the better. Plenty of people already do this and still don't get responses, but a lot gets posted and when it's not clear what some people are looking for, there are plenty of people who want to answer later posts, but think, "but what should I say to that first person?" and get dissuaded from responding at all. Mental illness is confusing and murky and difficult enough as it is, and plenty of times it's hard to know what to say even when an explicit request is made for help. Whatever we can all do to make things clearer for each other, the better.
Collete
Member
I used to be a lot more frequent member of this community than I am now. I tried to respond to everyone I can...but lately my life has been changing and my depression has been so bad that I rarely ever post or help anyone.
Not everyone will find this community helpful because we're not perfect...we're flawed humans just like everyone else. We try our best, but we're gonna mess up though. We can't get to every post we can, it's just fact. But that said, we're also not a replacement for professional help either.
All I can add to Bagel's comments is that, the Contact list is still up as far as I'm aware of, so please use that if you feel need to. If you need someone to talk to, the people to contact in the OP are in fact kind people that are free to talk to, myself included. I will repost this here as well:
Not everyone will find this community helpful because we're not perfect...we're flawed humans just like everyone else. We try our best, but we're gonna mess up though. We can't get to every post we can, it's just fact. But that said, we're also not a replacement for professional help either.
All I can add to Bagel's comments is that, the Contact list is still up as far as I'm aware of, so please use that if you feel need to. If you need someone to talk to, the people to contact in the OP are in fact kind people that are free to talk to, myself included. I will repost this here as well:
Depression-GAF all-star contact list - hit us up if you need to talk! I curate the list, so if you’re not sure who would be the best person to talk to, send me a message and I can lend you a hand. As always, let me know if you'd like to be added!
Bagels [skype: gaf.bagels] [steamrKatz]
Lunch
EdmondD
Fiction
Collete
Prax
Colin
heidern
Empty
Smiley90
nimbus
ClassyPenguin
RionaaM
Nithidia
Godofnerdiness
humbugs
MikeDip
BlazinAm
FillerB
What was the meeting in regards to, potential volunteers I assume? Since I think the only work the Samaritans do with other people is the non face-to-face stuff. Like the phoneline, emails, etc. Would be interested to hear a bit more.
It probably needs updated a bit, to be honest. A few of those names haven't been active in a long time, and Classy and Lunch are both permanently banned, as far as I know. But I too can comfortably say that I still make myself available for that contact list, if anyone wanted to message me.
You can definitely drop in, though that service isn't 24 hours as in the case of phone calls. I heard you can also text as well, which surprised me.
Sub_Level
wants to fuck an Asian grill.
I have been there. Went under 2.00 GP after semesters of blowing off classes. Going back this Fall to finish it though, after two and a half years of going a different route.
It's not the end of your life but it absolutely can be a setback. Take some time to think about where you want to go from here and talk not only to an academic advisor, but a school counselor as well if available.
Sorry my advice is generic as hell, but it's what I wish I had done back then when the slope got slippery.
MisterLuffy
Member
I'm under 2.0 gpa, and I have a final tomorrow. I'm getting nervous just thinking about whether I'm able to answer questions on my data structure final. I don't want to fail because I don't want to stay at home doing nothing for a year or two. Yeah, if I fail, I'm going to get a message that I'm in probation. I don't want to tell my parents, especially my dad, because I'm never going to hear the end of it. I just hope I do well tomorrow.
I know that I don't tend to respond to posts unless I feel like I have something constructive to say. Despite being a community thread, the problems we all face come in various forms and not everyone will know what to say to every situation.
I also wonder about posting more positive things. I don't want to make it sound like I'm bragging, particularly if it's after a somber post. I just want people to know that things can get better and that you can have some sort of control. I talk about it a bit more later on, but Collete had the right idea. Posting things that you are proud of or just something that you did is constructive for yourself and inspiring to others.
So this was the first post I made back when this was just the "Depression" thread.
If you had told me that in a year and a half that things would get better, I wouldn't have believed you. I'd have hated you for it. But two years after this post, things are better and looking up. That doesn't mean I don't have some really bad days. And that doesn't mean that I don't still make some really bad mistakes. And that doesn't mean that it can't all go to shit at a moment's notice, but I'm definitely gonna fight to make sure it doesn't and that those bad days don't last and that those mistakes don't define me and that I don't learn from them.
A few things have changed in that year.
I got a psychiatrist and started on Lexapro. It helped a lot for anxiety I didn't really realize I had until it went a way, and it helped cut down the duration of those bad days.
I got busy. I think this is really the most important thing that's helped. Are the self-esteem issues still there? Is the depression still there? Yes. But I decided to focus on being as productive as I can be in the time I have. Even if I fail, I'm gonna keep at it.
That website I made a year ago? My friend decided she didn't like it and didn't use it. That made me feel like shit, not gonna lie. But at least I made something, even if it's only something that I can admire. That's the mindset in which I began looking at my life. Make things, if people like them, AWESOME. If people don't, cry about it for a day, then get back to it. Speaking of which, you know who's awesome? Collete and Bagels and JB. They make stuff and post it here and even though I don't always respond, it's incredibly inspiring and every time I do see it, it makes me want to be productive too!
I know that I'm lazy and won't work unless I'm held accountable for stuff. So I made sure to put myself in situations in which I'd be held accountable. School is great for this, and as much stress as it causes, I now know how much I can take. If it's less classes than anyone else, that's okay. I joined clubs at school, despite feeling like I've forgotten how to interact with anyone who I'm not already friends with. I volunteered for everything that they needed. Needed someone to design posters? On it. Needed someone to edit articles? Sure. I feel like everyone secretly thinks I'm super weird and gross and secretly thinks "god why does the one girl who comes to every meeting have to be the ugly one" but at least I'm doing stuff. Dumb stuff, like posters to promote the club, but I've found that creating things makes me happy. Happy enough at least.
I also wonder about posting more positive things. I don't want to make it sound like I'm bragging, particularly if it's after a somber post. I just want people to know that things can get better and that you can have some sort of control. I talk about it a bit more later on, but Collete had the right idea. Posting things that you are proud of or just something that you did is constructive for yourself and inspiring to others.
So this was the first post I made back when this was just the "Depression" thread.
A Year Ago said:
If you had told me that in a year and a half that things would get better, I wouldn't have believed you. I'd have hated you for it. But two years after this post, things are better and looking up. That doesn't mean I don't have some really bad days. And that doesn't mean that I don't still make some really bad mistakes. And that doesn't mean that it can't all go to shit at a moment's notice, but I'm definitely gonna fight to make sure it doesn't and that those bad days don't last and that those mistakes don't define me and that I don't learn from them.
A few things have changed in that year.
I got a psychiatrist and started on Lexapro. It helped a lot for anxiety I didn't really realize I had until it went a way, and it helped cut down the duration of those bad days.
I got busy. I think this is really the most important thing that's helped. Are the self-esteem issues still there? Is the depression still there? Yes. But I decided to focus on being as productive as I can be in the time I have. Even if I fail, I'm gonna keep at it.
That website I made a year ago? My friend decided she didn't like it and didn't use it. That made me feel like shit, not gonna lie. But at least I made something, even if it's only something that I can admire. That's the mindset in which I began looking at my life. Make things, if people like them, AWESOME. If people don't, cry about it for a day, then get back to it. Speaking of which, you know who's awesome? Collete and Bagels and JB. They make stuff and post it here and even though I don't always respond, it's incredibly inspiring and every time I do see it, it makes me want to be productive too!
I know that I'm lazy and won't work unless I'm held accountable for stuff. So I made sure to put myself in situations in which I'd be held accountable. School is great for this, and as much stress as it causes, I now know how much I can take. If it's less classes than anyone else, that's okay. I joined clubs at school, despite feeling like I've forgotten how to interact with anyone who I'm not already friends with. I volunteered for everything that they needed. Needed someone to design posters? On it. Needed someone to edit articles? Sure. I feel like everyone secretly thinks I'm super weird and gross and secretly thinks "god why does the one girl who comes to every meeting have to be the ugly one" but at least I'm doing stuff. Dumb stuff, like posters to promote the club, but I've found that creating things makes me happy. Happy enough at least.
<3
Speaking of, I'm 2/3rds done with a piece for my friends (the always lively Agentcooper and her BF) and I'll post it here once it's finished. I've really slacked off on it in the last week but starting tomorrow, I'm gonna redouble my efforts because you just inspired the shit out of me.
And Bagels, your "Light" calligraphy was just as shiny and hopeful as I'd imagined it would be.
I was in pre-Computer Science in 2010. Failed out and lost financial aid. Classes kept getting harder and my social anxiety/depression/procrastination issues lead to the inevitable. My social life was shit and I was too depressed or doubtful of myself to put effort in studying. I should have taken a semester or two break to get my head more clear, then go back and live in the dorms. Being out of college for a semester or two by choice or with the probation stipulation and 100% being able to go back and hopefully do better is a lot better than having a difficult time going back for 4 years and being 25k in debt with nothing to show for it.
MisterLuffy
Member
I just finished my final, I feel like I did kind of good in terms of answering all the questions without leaving them blank but at the same time I'm not confident in my answers. I just hope I get a decent grade on it. I should be happy that I'm done with finals, and enjoy summer break. But I won't because I'm going to stay at home doing nothing, and my parents are going to be pestering me of getting a job. I do want a job, its just I'm not feeling like getting one. And I will not work at Macy's ever again!
I wouldn't mind in being probation since it gives me a lot of time to think about what I really want to do. However, my family and not having a job are the reasons why I want to keep going in college despite not being passionate about my major. Makes me wish I live on my own to make my own decisions without the consent of my family.
I wouldn't mind in being probation since it gives me a lot of time to think about what I really want to do. However, my family and not having a job are the reasons why I want to keep going in college despite not being passionate about my major. Makes me wish I live on my own to make my own decisions without the consent of my family.
How many people here have given therapy a real try and feel they benefited from it? How many feel it was a waste? Just curious. I know therapy is probably my only hope and reclaiming my life but I keep putting it off.
Is there any way to stop obsessively thinking about how much you wish you could go back in time, be ten years younger, and do things differently? It's psychological torture but I can't stop.
Is there any way to stop obsessively thinking about how much you wish you could go back in time, be ten years younger, and do things differently? It's psychological torture but I can't stop.
Femmeworth
Banned
Therapy is a real crapshoot. I've been in therapy for years now with not a whole lot to show for it.
Sorry for the late comment, but your reply was great, thank you. Nothing better to reach me than with Pokemon stuff and a Gurren Lagann line! Maybe I just need Kamina to tell me the ever-so-inspirational "Let me see you grit those teeth!" followed by a punch in the face.
Actually...I can do without that last part.
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