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[tearsofash]

In my area, female doms are easy to find even though male doms outnumber them. We have a quarterly "femdom night" at the local dungeon that's a good place to network with people. You could also always go to a much. They are usually fairly diverse in scope.

Is it particularly difficult to find a sub? What about female doms?

 

[Bumbles]

Im a bedroom sub, hubby is coming along nicely as my dom, although hes a little kinder than Id like

Not looking for hookups but I do enjoy the tales

 

[Darksol]

Is it particularly difficult to find a sub? What about female doms?

In my area, female doms are easy to find even though male doms outnumber them. We have a quarterly "femdom night" at the local dungeon that's a good place to network with people. You could also always go to a much. They are usually fairly diverse in scope.

^ Pretty much this for me as well. I don't think female doms are a rare breed anymore. As for subs -- throw a rock and you'll hit a sub (please don't throw a rock at a sub ).

It's really just a community though. The coolest people I've talked to and met were completely by accident. I find that if you join up in a few groups and hop into some discussions it helps get you out there. You can also look up members by location, so it's not too difficult to find a nearby munch or gathering.

EVERYTHING

except scat

im already bisexual and nongendered so i like pretty much everyone

Then I think you'll get along just fine! Come join the fun, join the group, and shoot us some friend requests

Im a bedroom sub, hubby is coming along nicely as my dom, although hes a little kinder than Id like

Not looking for hookups but I do enjoy the tales

I have a few friends in similar predicaments (subs training their partners to be more dom-like). I think you can help awaken your partner's latent desires if they have them, but there eventually reaches a line that I think vanilla people won't cross -- at some point, your partner will either embrace it, or not. I'm pulling for you though! Sounds like things are progressing nicely based off what you said ^-^

You whip it good, BDSM-Gaf!

Crack that whip!

 

[MikeDown]

wait we have a BDSM group now?!?!?! I'm somewhat intrigued.

 

[tearsofash]

Speaking of intrigue. . .

There's that 50 shades of grey movie coming out soon. I'd hope that in this thread we can have a frank discussion about the topic.

The situation is this: Ever since the series has been published more and more people have been interested in BDSM. This is both a good and a bad thing. It's good because we can help people learn the ropes. It's bad because 50 Shades, taken at face value, only teaches a culture of abuse. Most of the things that happen in the book, would emotionally damage an individual. These are things you DO NOT do in real life. If you're wanting a decent Hollywood representation of BDSM I suggest checking out Story of O. Secretary is also good, albeit a tad hyperbolic -- though far less abusive than the "Oh hello, you're going to sign a contract and I just met you!"

 

[CountAntonius]

Cool.

 

[Bumbles]

50 shades of bleh.. Read the three books Im ashamed to admit on the hopes it got better.. it didnt, lucky Amazon has a return policy for kindle. I cant recall physically rolling my eyes at a book before. It is neither good smut nor a good story. Should have left the main characters names as Bella and Edward and buried the damn thing.

I prefer Club Shadowlands for my reading enjoyment. I must check out Story of O, seen it mentioned a few times now.

 

[Aβydoς]

Never did it but I would like to. Have to find a girlfriend crazy enough first.

 

[MacGurcules]

Didn't realize we had one of these threads. Maybe some of you more experienced folk can help me out.

So some time back, near the time my girlfriend and I first started dating, we discovered that she likes being held down during sex. It really turns her on. So after a while, I kind of playfully suggested that maybe she'd like to be tied up and I was a little surprised that she was receptive to the idea.

So I do a little research, learn some safe knots, and get some appropriate rope. We play around with it for a little while. Nothing too crazy, just hands tied to the bedpost, but she's really into it.
My problem is, I'm not. It just doesn't really do anything for me.

I mean, it's not like I don't do a thorough job without the rope; we both have a good time. But she enjoys it so much and I like making her happy so I wish I was keen on including it more often.

I guess I'm not really sure what kind of advice I'm asking for, here. Is this just a mismatch in proclivities?

 

[Moff]

in my experience its next to impossible to force a fetish on anyone, or lose one. a bit like you cant change your sexual orientation.

is there no aspect at all you like about what you guys do? I'm not really a sadist either, but many girls love it. so I include it in my dom/bondage routine even if its not really my thing.

 

[TheyTookOurJobs]

Seems like Industrial music is tied to this subculture; explain that.

 

[tearsofash]

Seems like Industrial music is tied to this subculture; explain that.

It isn't.

Industrial utilizes an abundance of 'fetish wear' which may or may not have anything to do with BDSM at all. Sure, you'll see a gaggle of it in real life and in magazines, but most BDSM is just regular people doing their thing. It's not about a particular fashion style, even though corsets, leather, etc are common.

 

[Bumbles]

I have a few friends in similar predicaments (subs training their partners to be more dom-like). I think you can help awaken your partner's latent desires if they have them, but there eventually reaches a line that I think vanilla people won't cross -- at some point, your partner will either embrace it, or not. I'm pulling for you though! Sounds like things are progressing nicely based off what you said ^-^

Yeah things are good, hes into it as much as I am and exploring things together. However a well intentioned but extremely ill timed 'That wasnt too hard was it', or 'Sorry, did that hurt?' is a bit of a mood killer, he knows I have a safeword, hes just a bit protective lol

On the upside he's a carpenter/upholsterer so I have some nice customised equipment

 

[Darksol]

Never did it but I would like to. Have to find a girlfriend crazy enough first.

What particular BDSM activities do you want to pursue?

So some time back, near the time my girlfriend and I first started dating, we discovered that she likes being held down during sex. It really turns her on. So after a while, I kind of playfully suggested that maybe she'd like to be tied up and I was a little surprised that she was receptive to the idea.

So I do a little research, learn some safe knots, and get some appropriate rope. We play around with it for a little while. Nothing too crazy, just hands tied to the bedpost, but she's really into it. My problem is, I'm not. It just doesn't really do anything for me.

I mean, it's not like I don't do a thorough job without the rope; we both have a good time. But she enjoys it so much and I like making her happy so I wish I was keen on including it more often.

I guess I'm not really sure what kind of advice I'm asking for, here. Is this just a mismatch in proclivities?

It sounds like a smidgen of a mismatch, yeah. That being said, while restraints and rope may not do anything for you -- does it detract anything for you? If it doesn't lessen the experience for you in any way, then I don't see the problem in indulging her. It's only when your pleasure or her pleasure starts to come at the expense of each other that I'd think you'd have an issue.

Yeah things are good, hes into it as much as I am and exploring things together. However a well intentioned but extremely ill timed 'That wasnt too hard was it', or 'Sorry, did that hurt?' is a bit of a mood killer, he knows I have a safeword, hes just a bit protective lol

On the upside he's a carpenter/upholsterer so I have some nice customised equipment

I'm very envious of craftsmanship. I could save a small fortune if I was competent at making any of this equipment myself >.<

FYI everyone -- we're now at 8 members on Fetlife

 

[Moff]

Seems like Industrial music is tied to this subculture; explain that.

I am from the industrial/gothic scene myself, and while there are certainly tons of non-goths in bdsm and tons of fetish free people who listen to gothic/industrial Music, I do believe that the intersection for bdsm people with the industrial/gothic scene is higher than other scenes.
why? in my experience gothic people are much more open minded, about anything in life really, but especially sexually.

so while other people may have needed a mainstream success like 50 shades of grey that enabled them and told them thats ist ok to embrace and discover their fetish, I believe industrial/gothic people simply were generally open enough witthout that. sure, similiar aesthetics certainly didnt hurt. but I believe most people simply dont dare to enjoy it because iits still looked down upon and ridiculed by many. in industrial/gothic it is/was more accepted.

 

[Featheredkitten]

I have a few friends in similar predicaments (subs training their partners to be more dom-like). I think you can help awaken your partner's latent desires if they have them, but there eventually reaches a line that I think vanilla people won't cross -- at some point, your partner will either embrace it, or not. I'm pulling for you though! Sounds like things are progressing nicely based off what you said ^-^

I think that's true, sadly enough.

Speaking of intrigue. . .

There's that 50 shades of grey movie coming out soon. I'd hope that in this thread we can have a frank discussion about the topic.

The situation is this: Ever since the series has been published more and more people have been interested in BDSM. This is both a good and a bad thing. It's good because we can help people learn the ropes. It's bad because 50 Shades, taken at face value, only teaches a culture of abuse. Most of the things that happen in the book, would emotionally damage an individual. These are things you DO NOT do in real life. If you're wanting a decent Hollywood representation of BDSM I suggest checking out Story of O. Secretary is also good, albeit a tad hyperbolic -- though far less abusive than the "Oh hello, you're going to sign a contract and I just met you!"

I haven't read fifty shades of meh, but i've heard not good things at all. Haven't read story of O but it sounds interesting thanks for the suggestion. If we're sharing books, The Kushiel's Legacy series (stats with Kushiel's Dart) is really good, includes history and politics and a lot of BDSM, it's fantasy though so if that doesn't float your boat....

Yeah things are good, hes into it as much as I am and exploring things together. However a well intentioned but extremely ill timed 'That wasnt too hard was it', or 'Sorry, did that hurt?' is a bit of a mood killer, he knows I have a safeword, hes just a bit protective lol

Oh my god, mine does that too! He's never once pushed me near far enough to use the safe word but....my theory is a combination of trying to please you with concern for this weird thing he doesn't understand. :/

 

[Damaged]

OH HELLO.

Spoiler

https://fetlife.com/groups/102736 (Link for the lazy)

eep... joined... still a noob at all this but enjoy it

 

[Amibguous Cad]

In my area, female doms are easy to find even though male doms outnumber them. We have a quarterly "femdom night" at the local dungeon that's a good place to network with people. You could also always go to a much. They are usually fairly diverse in scope.

Where is this mythical place? I always find it impossible to ind female doms.

 

[Messofanego]

Didn't know 30 Seconds to Mars did a BDSM themed music video, look up "Hurricane".

99% of bdsm in music videos is painfully hilarious, especially Rihanna's S&M, but man this is possibly the hottest. The only other hot one was Rachel Stevens "Sweet Dreams My LA ex".

 

[tearsofash]

Where is this mythical place? I always find it impossible to ind female doms.

Mine is in Nashville. If you can tell me your general location, I can do a little bit of research and see if there's any local dungeons in your area.

 

[BumblebeeCody]

wait we have a BDSM group now?!?!?! I'm somewhat intrigued.

Same. I've spent the last 15 minutes thinking of even posting in here...well. I'm up for the consequences now.
A fine read.

 

[DoktorEvil]

Mine is in Nashville. If you can tell me your general location, I can do a little bit of research and see if there's any local dungeons in your area.

Dungeons?

erm, like with shackles and stuff?

That doesn't sound that far off from Rikers.(NY)

 

[Ha ha]

I reactivated my long dormant fetlife profile. It actually predates the events that lead to me coming out of the transgender closet about 3-4 years ago.

I won't link my profile, my fetishes would be a massive thread derail, but thanks for convincing me to do it.

I'm in this same boat about my fetishes being a massive thread derail, but I'm kind of temped to join this group 'cause I've never really had any friends aside from my partner who know about my fetishes (for a good reason tbh) and you all seem open minded.

 

[Pickman]

Dungeons?

erm, like with shackles and stuff?

That doesn't sound that far off from Rikers.(NY)

Dungeons in the sense of a stylistic approach to the bdsm chic. Often lots of black and gray tones. There will be shackles. Restraints. Sometimes pulley and eye hook systems for suspension play. A friend of mine has a room off to one side of his converted garage that's all bamboo poles at different heights and intervals with a good six or seven hundred feet of good rope. One of the coolest little Shibari playhouses I've ever seen.

 

[Damaged]

I'm in this same boat about my fetishes being a massive thread derail, but I'm kind of temped to join this group 'cause I've never really had any friends aside from my partner who know about my fetishes (for a good reason tbh) and you all seem open minded.

I figure we maybe start a thread on that on fetlife? certainly less public than here and wont bring any mods down on any of the less mainstream interests?

 

[Reishiki]

I'm in this same boat about my fetishes being a massive thread derail, but I'm kind of temped to join this group 'cause I've never really had any friends aside from my partner who know about my fetishes (for a good reason tbh) and you all seem open minded.

I joined the group and they're pretty cool with anything. Take the plunge!

 

[Damaged]

Right,... Kink / fetish / interest type thread has been started in the group... now it will be obvious who I am haha

 

[Nephtis]

Didn't realize we had one of these threads. Maybe some of you more experienced folk can help me out.

So some time back, near the time my girlfriend and I first started dating, we discovered that she likes being held down during sex. It really turns her on. So after a while, I kind of playfully suggested that maybe she'd like to be tied up and I was a little surprised that she was receptive to the idea.

So I do a little research, learn some safe knots, and get some appropriate rope. We play around with it for a little while. Nothing too crazy, just hands tied to the bedpost, but she's really into it.
My problem is, I'm not. It just doesn't really do anything for me.

I mean, it's not like I don't do a thorough job without the rope; we both have a good time. But she enjoys it so much and I like making her happy so I wish I was keen on including it more often.

I guess I'm not really sure what kind of advice I'm asking for, here. Is this just a mismatch in proclivities?

It may not be a mismatch at all -- We all have our preferences in what we like. What I would recommend is to not make a habit of it if you're not into it. Find something that you like, and tell her about it. Maybe she will reciprocate and do it for you, just as you've done for her.

Relationships like that are all about give and take.

The reason I say to not make a habit of it though is because you will eventually grow tired of it, and the very idea may end up turning you off from sex altogether with her. You can also use it as a treat for her when she's been especially good.

 

[Messofanego]

Youuuuu.....

I'm going to make Sir watch this with me. Tehehe. Thank you.

No probs

 

[tearsofash]

Dungeons?

erm, like with shackles and stuff?

That doesn't sound that far off from Rikers.(NY)

Dungeons are facilities geared towards SM play. You'll see various equipment geared towards enhancing your BDSM experience should you choose to play publicly. It's also generally regarded as a safer time because there are staff that volunteer specifically to make sure everyone is being safe.

There's benches, sex swings, st. andrews crosses, extension chords for electricity play, ropes, cleaner, dentist chair, bootblacking chair, gyno chair, etc. Dungeons also generally offer classes so that an individual may be more educated on various aspects of BDSM. This weekend there's classes on Pony Play and also a few 101 classes.

Take a look at the pictures, it's not as scary as the word asserts:

http://themarkbycpi.com
http://1763.net/

 

[Nephtis]

Dungeons are facilities geared towards SM play. You'll see various equipment geared towards enhancing your BDSM experience should you choose to play publicly. It's also generally regarded as a safer time because there are staff that volunteer specifically to make sure everyone is being safe.

There's benches, sex swings, st. andrews crosses, extension chords for electricity play, ropes, cleaner, dentist chair, bootblacking chair, gyno chair, etc. Dungeons also generally offer classes so that an individual may be more educated on various aspects of BDSM. This weekend there's classes on Pony Play and also a few 101 classes.

Take a look at the pictures, it's not as scary as the word asserts:

http://themarkbycpi.com
http://1763.net/

I also highly encourage you to try out the dungeons - it's not all about play. As tearsofash mentioned, they offer classes. For example, see the following:

Jan 3 Mercury BDSM 101: — An Introduction for the New and Curious

They will likely hold a Q&A session after (maybe even during) the class and this would be the best time to ask anything you're curious about. Also, just because you join doesn't mean you have to participate. You can just be a spectator and see everything they have going on during play time. This will also be a great time to network and get to know people - you may find someone willing to show you the ropes (pun intended).

Overall, you will find this to be a very positive experience for you and anyone that is willing to give this a try.

 

[EASTC0AST_GH05T]

seen a video with a guy being dominated by a woman, he was blindfolded with his legs spread getting kicked in the nutts by a barefoot woman. It was pretty intense.

 

[tearsofash]

I also highly encourage you to try out the dungeons - it's not all about play. As tearsofash mentioned, they offer classes. For example, see the following:

Honestly, some of the more fun nights are where I just go and socialize. I love movie nights, game nights, and stuff like that. Even if you're new, or just a person who plays privately going to a dungeon can help you meet like-minded people.

 

[Featheredkitten]

seen a video with a guy being dominated by a woman, he was blindfolded with his legs spread getting kicked in the nutts by a barefoot woman. It was pretty intense.

I think I've seen that one...or one like it.

 

[Incendiary]

Reading through this thread really makes me want to go out and get involved in a local BDSM community. I've been really out of it for a long while.

 

[Nephtis]

Reading through this thread really makes me want to go out and get involved in a local BDSM community. I've been really out of it for a long while.

Do it! We have started a group in FetLife

Honestly, some of the more fun nights are where I just go and socialize. I love movie nights, game nights, and stuff like that. Even if you're new, or just a person who plays privately going to a dungeon can help you meet like-minded people.

Yep, we often have BBQs or parties, or even movie nights so we can just socialize and have fun. There are people who are strictly business, and that's fine too -- but if you want to actually take part in even play events, the best thing to do is to get to know them, since so much of it is about trust

 

[Messofanego]

Some people are just into that, I guess.

Sports nut shots are amazing.

 

[Darksol]

Anyone here explored the BDSM or shibari scene in Japan? I'll be there in November, and was wondering how anyone else found their experience?

I'll probably go to Osaka Jail, and a couple of the smaller fetish bars in Tokyo with my sub.

But first hand accounts are always nice to hear

 

[DoktorEvil]

The video games thread isn't as bad as I thought it'd be.

The best RPG ever list is somewhat decent.

 

[dalin80]

seen a video with a guy being dominated by a woman, he was blindfolded with his legs spread getting kicked in the nutts by a barefoot woman. It was pretty intense.

Such videos are pretty common and one of the usual type of CBT / BB vid's. Fetish can range from people who like sexy lingerie and tickling and all the way up to some fairly terrifying stuff.

The only vid that I know of which was taken down from fet was a guy who grabs a hunting knife and slices off the head of his penis. I had to go watch kitten videos on youtube for a while to recalibrate my brain from that one.

Then you have pics like this that ride the line between gore porn and heavy kink.

https://fetlife.com/users/604565/pictures/28842086

I mostly stick to the piercing and local area groups myself but if you dive deep there is an awful lot of eye opening material.

 

[Bumbles]

I find it interesting too how certain types/pieces of music have a pavlov effect. Theres one particular song I like to hear during scenes, it just came on my playlist at work, and well, cant say I can really concentrate too well right now...

 

[Sadsic]

girlrillla myt xinthos -- -c =SUM(B2:$B$6)

 

[kame-sennin]

Had a second date with a girl last night. We started having sex, and she sheepishly asked me if I felt comfortable choking her. I said I would if there were ground rules/safe word. Sex was nuts. She called me 'sir' a couple of times, and she wasn't allowed to orgasm until I did.

I've been interested in dom/sub stuff for a while, and I always felt I leaned dom, but I never tried it (ex-gf was very vanilla). I assume this qualifies? She wasn't totally submissive as she was very physically aggressive. I want to see her again, so we should have a chance to talk about it. How should I broach this subject (she's been pretty easy to communicate with thus far)?

 

[Moff]

She wasn't totally submissive as she was very physically aggressive.

that doesnt mean she cant be submissive.
subs dont usually just lay themselves down to you, they may want/need to be conquered/cornered and that can get pretty rough.

 

[tearsofash]

that doesnt mean she cant be submissive.
subs dont usually just lay themselves down to you, they may want/need to be conquered/cornered and that can get pretty rough.

You're right.

A submissive is not a doormat. It's a power exchange. It's like a back-and-forth sort of thing. The sub has to want to allow the dom to take control, and the dom has to be willing to take control. Then there's also something called a Brat, that will tease and push your buttons in order to get punished. It's like, "Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen!" of bdsm...

It's supposed to be "cute" but it just ends up with the person getting 'punished.' Which isn't really punishment because they're usually into that sort of thing.

 

[DoktorEvil]

You're right.

A submissive is not a doormat. It's a power exchange. It's like a back-and-forth sort of thing. The sub has to want to allow the dom to take control, and the dom has to be willing to take control. Then there's also something called a Brat, that will tease and push your buttons in order to get punished. It's like, "Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen!" of bdsm...

It's supposed to be "cute" but it just ends up with the person getting 'punished.' Which isn't really punishment because they're usually into that sort of thing.

Tell me more about the "Brat".

I'm naturally a very chill guy so being the type of dom that is attributed to men isn't natural to me, but if it was with a Brat who was willing to push buttons, I'd be interested in that Kink. I didn't even realize that is a kink.

 

[3bdelilah]

What a sick, sick fantasy. You all need a spanking!

 

[tearsofash]

Is anyone in the thread familiar with primal play?

Tell me more about the "Brat".

I'm naturally a very chill guy so being the type of dom that is attributed to men isn't natural to me, but if it was with a Brat who was willing to push buttons, I'd be interested in that Kink. I didn't even realize that is a kink.

You might find the links at the bottom more useful but here's a solid resource: http://www.submissiveguide.com/2012/10/what-are-brats-and-smart-assed-masochists/

 

[DoktorEvil]

You might find the links at the bottom more useful but here's a solid resource: http://www.submissiveguide.com/2012/10/what-are-brats-and-smart-assed-masochists/

Thank you. I think I could be a Brat to a fem Dom or alternate and Dom vs a Brat. Definitely would suit my persona.

 

[Darksol]

What a sick, sick fantasy. You all need a spanking!

Appropriate episode too!

My sub is a lot like that; she's perfectly capable of understanding and following direction, but she loves to step out of line because she knows that it'll result in punishment