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[Wreck-It Ralph]

There's this girl I met on Tinder. One of only a handful of matches I've gotten, and the only one to ever respond to me.

We've met twice now, and I think she likes me. She keeps texting me and stuff. But I'm not really sure. She doesn't really make an effort to hold hands or anything, and neither do I. I'm not sure if she even sees our meetings as dates or what.

On top of that, there are two problems:

1) I don't really find her very attractive. I just say yes to everyone on Tinder. I don't find her unattractive either, though. The idea of having sex with her doesn't disgust me, but it also doesn't get me excited. But I feel like I don't really have a choice because I'm too ugly to do any better.

2) We don't seem to have a whole lot in common. It's hard to find things to talk about when we're hanging out.

Still, I think I'll give it a shot, if only to get some experience in the dating game. I'm 26 and I don't really have any.

But what am I supposed to do? How do I know if she's actually interested in me romantically and/or sexually? And what do I do if she is?


Edit: FUCK I didn't want to be at the top of the page with this. :/

 

[Kopite]

I got a match on Tinder, but I have no clue what to say as an opening message. Usually there is something in their profile that I can work off of to use as a starting point, but this person just has random friend pictures. I don't want to just say something "Hey there good looking....what's cooking" because that's just terrible. So.....what do you guys typically say in those situations?

I just go with a "Hey, how was your day?" . That works nearly every time for me.

 

[Denzar]

I don't really experience that myself, but... well, if you don't like a girl, you don't like them, right? Trying to 'lower' your standards, or trying to conform your standards to what other people expect will just lead to disappointment in the person you're dating, whether it's their fault or not.

That said, what are your standards, really? Do you just want an attractive lady that will be interesting to talk to, or do you turn away anyone that doesn't like pecan pie, for lack of a better example? As long as you aren't completely draconian with your standards, I'm sure you'll find someone for you in time. Also, screw pecan pie.

Oh, and if you're really in a rush, you could always try online dating. You might be able to meet someone in a neighboring town or something

Thanks for the answer! I'm afraid of coming across as a pompous dick. Hope that's not the case!

I have thought of online dating, and have used Tinder. Excessively. Bad experiences there. Makes me apprehensive to start online dating, even though I know comparing Tinder to a proper dating site is comparing apples to oranges.

In my mind my standards aren't unreasonable. I'll try to put it into words, but it isn't easy. From experience I've discovered that I like my girls easy on the eyes. But, don't we all. More importantly though, I want a woman with a brain and personality. A girl that can think for her own and isn't a part of the flock of sheep.

It's always nice to meet somebody that has similar hobbies, passions, or past times but that's not a necessity in my eyes.

I've been with a girl that was able to make my heart pound faster, but we broke up last year. A distance and time thing. That destroyed me. It lasted three months, so I don't really count that as a serious relationship.

Don't think I'm draconian at all.

And fuck pecan pie. Sticky stuff.

 

[DarkChronic]

Hi all,

I have a "fourth" date with someone tonight that I met a few months ago. We went on 3 dates back in the summer, all went well, and then she kind of pulled a fade on me. We kept in touch here and there, but didn't see each other.

She reached out again a few weeks ago saying she's been crazy busy, just got a new job, and would like to see me again. Keeping my expectations in check, I agreed.

Well, the date went surprisingly well. Dinner reservations were at 7:30, and we didn't leave the restaurant until after 10. Stayed for quite some time even after the check came.

She's great, and it seems we have some real good chemistry. We shared a really nice kiss before she got on her bus. Sounded like she wanted to see me again real soon, too.

But, again, I'm keeping my expectations in check. This EXACT thing happened last time and then I ended up not seeing her for several months.

We'll see what happens.

 

[War Peaceman]

In my mind my standards aren't unreasonable. I'll try to put it into words, but it isn't easy. From experience I've discovered that I like my girls easy on the eyes. But, don't we all. More importantly though, I want a woman with a brain and personality. A girl that can think for her own and isn't a part of the flock of sheep.

It's always nice to meet somebody that has similar hobbies, passions, or past times but that's not a necessity in my eyes.

Sorry but this is a pet peeve of mine: you've literally said nothing here. What constitutes a 'brain' or 'personality' is so subjective and vague that it could describe almost anyone.

To make this more than just venting... It might be more productive to be more critical in what you prefer in a partner. Do you like bossy partners? Well-read partners? People who are very interested in specific topics? Aloof? 'Indie'? Etc., etc. I'm not just talking about what you think you want, but what you have reacted to positively and negatively in a partner. This sort of exercise may help you weed out unsuitable partners more quickly, though you should always be open-minded.

 

[GK86]

There's this girl I met on Tinder. One of only a handful of matches I've gotten, and the only one to ever respond to me.

We've met twice now, and I think she likes me. She keeps texting me and stuff. But I'm not really sure. She doesn't really make an effort to hold hands or anything, and neither do I. I'm not sure if she even sees our meetings as dates or what.

On top of that, there are two problems:

1) I don't really find her very attractive. I just say yes to everyone on Tinder. I don't find her unattractive either, though. The idea of having sex with her doesn't disgust me, but it also doesn't get me excited. But I feel like I don't really have a choice because I'm too ugly to do any better.

2) We don't seem to have a whole lot in common. It's hard to find things to talk about when we're hanging out.

Still, I think I'll give it a shot, if only to get some experience in the dating game. I'm 26 and I don't really have any.

But what am I supposed to do? How do I know if she's actually interested in me romantically and/or sexually? And what do I do if she is?


Edit: FUCK I didn't want to be at the top of the page with this. :/

1) It has only been two dates, not holding hands isn't a red flag at this point. Why haven't you tried?
2) I think you are putting pressure on yourself trying to figure things out now. I say just go with the flow.

Also the line about being ugly is unhealthy way of thinking. Need to work on that dude.

 

[TheWorthyEdge]

Howdy guys...this is my first post in this thread and it's for a very menial task. Getting a girls number. I just don't know why I can't do it. I get so nervous!

 

[stn]

There's this girl I met on Tinder. One of only a handful of matches I've gotten, and the only one to ever respond to me.

We've met twice now, and I think she likes me. She keeps texting me and stuff. But I'm not really sure. She doesn't really make an effort to hold hands or anything, and neither do I. I'm not sure if she even sees our meetings as dates or what.

On top of that, there are two problems:

1) I don't really find her very attractive. I just say yes to everyone on Tinder. I don't find her unattractive either, though. The idea of having sex with her doesn't disgust me, but it also doesn't get me excited. But I feel like I don't really have a choice because I'm too ugly to do any better.

2) We don't seem to have a whole lot in common. It's hard to find things to talk about when we're hanging out.

Still, I think I'll give it a shot, if only to get some experience in the dating game. I'm 26 and I don't really have any.

But what am I supposed to do? How do I know if she's actually interested in me romantically and/or sexually? And what do I do if she is?

Normally I'd say ditch her, its better for confidence if you can let go of something you don't really want. I always say pursue what you truly want and never settle for something less. Buuuuuuut, if you truly feel you lack experience then stick with her. Go with the flow, know what I mean? As for the romantic stuff, you will have to initiate. Take it slow. Start with long hugs, advance to kisses on the cheek, and so forth.

And stop with the "I'm ugly" stuff. You were able to attract a girl off Tinder. That's an accomplishment.

 

[demosthenes]

I'm single for the first time* in 4.5+ years. I'm 28, I don't know what I'm doing, I heard this is the place to be.
(*We had a 6-7 month break)

I just reactivated my okcupid profile. Hi guys and girls!

 

[Denzar]

Sorry but this is a pet peeve of mine: you've literally said nothing here. What constitutes a 'brain' or 'personality' is so subjective and vague that it could describe almost anyone.

To make this more than just venting... It might be more productive to be more critical in what you prefer in a partner. Do you like bossy partners? Well-read partners? People who are very interested in specific topics? Aloof? 'Indie'? Etc., etc. I'm not just talking about what you think you want, but what you have reacted to positively and negatively in a partner. This sort of exercise may help you weed out unsuitable partners more quickly, though you should always be open-minded.

That's why I said that it's hard to put into words. I meant it. And I understand your frustration. It's frustrating to me as well.

And of course it's subjective. Did not really think of/felt like explaining further, 'cause it's beside the point. I could write down a list with specific things I find attractive in women, but I don't really think it matters in this conversation.

I have opened my mind up quite a bit. I used to compare all girls to my ex, which was of course, a bad thing to do. I know what I react negatively to, and that's the problem. It's a lot. That's what I meant by high standards. Most girls around me seem to be copies of each other. Even when I get to know them better, they all seem to be alike. Same narrow minded outlook on life, same musical tastes, same childish behavior, etc...

 

[Tsukumo]

Hey Gingerlicious. I read your previous posts and I wanted to reply sooner but got sidetracked.
Your situation is interesting to me because at first I thought you were trolling, since your attitude seemed so spot-on at every step I was sure "a guy like this, can't really have any problems getting girls".
As someone who doesn't believe in the concepts and the implications of the friendzone, I'm always eager to learn new stuff/ the experience of people who have an attitude similar to mine.
Before going in though, food for thought: as I told another poster a while ago, being non-judgemental is a great quality to possess but the downside is that you run the risk of concentrating all the blame for a "fail" on yourself and what you did/ said.
As the saying goes, it takes two to tango so don't assume if something went wrong it has necessarily to do with you. Or her. It's usually a combination of things.
In your case I think the real issue is that you had a gut feeling you didn't mention in the last post, and you categorized it and sold it as "overthinking" when in reality there's something she did or said that you immediately recognized as a red flag.
About the recent developments.
I'll get to the point.

Things have gotten a little messy now, but not all is lost, except me and where I am :/

So far, in the past few days I have had a few serious conversations, all which have involved the significant people/ladies in my life and have a profound affect (effect?) on where I stand emotionally/mindset wise. They include;

FWB situation
The lady, M, whom I have shared a very clearly agreed "Friend with benefits" / no-strings attached arrangement laid out that, after hearing that I was starting to actively "date" and all that suggested that she backs off and lets me focus on that.

This is a ruse. She wants the opposite and she is trying to play it cool and act coy.

Pretty much she said that she was sorry for giving me the whole impression/signals and that she thought we were/could just have the close friend "dates", like I do with BFF T (As I said, she is the one getting married and we have a totally platonic BFF thing). I just consoled her and told her everything is fine. Reaffirming the fact that I didn't know where we were at, but I hadn't "defined" it either, and thanked her for clearing things up and speaking her mind.

M definitely sank her claws into her. Judging from they way she talked you, I think L feels as if your relationship with her has been poisoned and ruined. Instead of having you all for her, and enjoy all the first moments of the start of a new relationship, M must have said to her something that took all of the light-heartedness and the romance of it out of the picture.
I wouldn't be surprised if she actually told her straight: "you know Gingerlicious, the guy from work? I'm fucking him", with a big evil smile on her face.

u]Ex-partner dinner[/u]
Ok just to make the trifecta for lady/relationship/confidence smashing this week, I had a friendly dinner "date" (I have to be so careful with that now, apparently hahaha) with my ex.
It went well, no hard feelings at all (I have made a massive effort for it to be like that), caught up on what is going on in our lives etc etc
Eventually the beans were spilled over each of other dating/fling situations (I could tell she didn't want to say too much until I was cool with it).
Turns out she has had a couple one nighters with friends of friends (or whatever_, just to experiment/get it out of her system. Most of which was shit she said hahaha! Got a bit of boost by her saying that I "ruined sex for her" and set the bar too high. I don't personally need that, it's one area I am comfortable/confident with, but it made me laugh.
She said she is starting to "date" this guy she met out at a concert (Music used to be our "thing" so now she is running solo, which I have to admit I am a tad bitter about, I wish it was that easy for me to be the sort after minority /malelife). He is younger, doesn't have much going for him and is a virgin, apparently.

Not good. She is telling you how much of a great guy you are while putting down other guys. I don't think she is being malicious but she definitely wants to keep you around. This is the typical prologue to the typical "maybe we met too soon, maybe one day..." and then she reappears out of nowhere once she feels she is ready to get married.
I know you have been close to her for a long time, so you'll probably reject any negative light I can give to her attitude, but she definitely wants to keep things open with you as a fall-back plan. She puts emphasis of how great the sex was with you and then drops the virgin bomb about the guy she is dating: ask yourself, would YOU tell her about a girl, this L that you started dating, explicitly comparing her to your ex and actually revealing something so personal and the same time a bit insinuating as "she is a virgin"? I don't know if L is a virgin or not, but would you think it's your ex's business to know about it?

I just told her I was proud that she finally has started to grow up, come out of her shell and become the person I always knew she could be. But also cautioned her in regards to setting the bar too low and going for the rebound because it is easier.

Good. She was being condescending and you gave her a pep-talk. Maybe it wasn't your intention but this put her in her place and it was the right thing to do: a bit judgmental, but the right thing to do. The risk with being judgmental is she can use what you said to her to make you feel guilty for talking to her like that.
This time you got away with it because she didn't expect it. Next time? different story.
Come to think of it XD accusing a girl of "setting the bar too low" in any other situation would have got you some good old wine-throw in the face XD

Moving forward
Well, now I am still going to go with the follow up "date" (which is now officially a close friend catch up) with the lady L. I hope to be able to get some valuable feedback from her, especially since I have nothing to lose and she knows what I am like and obviously enjoys my company / personality. You know, asking all the hard/awkward stuff that people usually would love to ask after things "don't work out" or just picking apart "why". This is a thing I am really big on and I don't even hesitate on anymore.

There is something really weird about how/why/when this lady L suddenly did a 180 and wanted to quickly clear up where we were at. I know for a fact that she had some alone time with the FWB lady M the night before.

By all the gods (sorry, playing Dragon Age XD ) DON'T DO THIS. Don't ask why to L, don't face M with questions. They will both dodge the situation and probably take a step away from you.
So, what I would do is to give M the same treatment she gave you: confess to her about your feelings for L and how she makes you feel, let her give you her "advice" (which is probably going to be twisted and back-handed) and IGNORE her advice. She wants you and she is playing dirty to have you: not cool.
What you will probably feel more comfortable to do is: ignore M unless she is the one reaching out and keep doing what you were doing with L as if nothing ever happened, "let's take a step back" contract included. If you act like nothing ever happened with M (and I don't mean "lie", I mean act as if it's none of anybody's business) L will eventually accept that.

 

[electricshake]

Had a really lovely date tonight but it ended with a slightly awkward kiss. Just a peck on the lips. Damn! Hopefully I'll see him again and rectify it!

 

[Mr.Gingerlicious]

Hey Gingerlicious. I read your previous posts and I wanted to reply sooner but got sidetracked.
Your situation is interesting to me because at first I thought you were trolling, since your attitude seemed so spot-on at every step I was sure "a guy like this, can't really have any problems getting girls".
As someone who doesn't believe in the concepts and the implications of the friendzone, I'm always eager to learn new stuff/ the experience of people who have an attitude similar to mine.
Before going in though, food for thought: as I told another poster a while ago, being non-judgemental is a great quality to possess but the downside is that you run the risk of concentrating all the blame for a "fail" on yourself and what you did/ said.
As the saying goes, it takes two to tango so don't assume if something went wrong it has necessarily to do with you. Or her. It's usually a combination of things.
In your case I think the real issue is that you had a gut feeling you didn't mention in the last post, and you categorized it and sold it as "overthinking" when in reality there's something she did or said that you immediately recognized as a red flag.
About the recent developments.
I'll get to the point.

Thanks for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it. And I have been waiting for someone to enlighten me / be able to bounce some stuff off. Perhaps you can be it, for now haha!

I'll quickly run through what has happened since my last chapter, most of which you were spot on with, but I need to clarify.

In these two quick responses, that sort of got lost, you can see where I went to after that little rough patch;

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=139076926&postcount=584
&
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=139135444&postcount=598

Ok, since all that, I ended up going out for dinner / catch up with this Lady, L. But this time without all the pressure, potential drama, over-thinking etc etc Just me being myself, being relaxed and her not freaking out about anything.

Noteworthy things. We both got out whatever quick things we had on our mind, since we hadn't had a proper one-on-one since she gave me the "just close-friends/ not *date* date" talk.

For me it was just quickly apologising for being "weird", if at all lately on account of feeling "lost lately". For her, she said that she was feeling "nervous just as I was driving up, since we haven't talked since we *talked* last" and she proceeded to dismiss my need to apoligise, since it was her that was "being weird lately".

She finally admitted that after talking to the two other Ladies briefly ( M & T ) that she definitely felt compelled to clarify with me, hence the talk. I just casually addressed the fact that I had ran a couple things past them and that I knew I was reaping what I had sown, because of the tendency for others to misunderstand or dramatise situations. I reaffirmed that this was no intended disrespect to her, but simply a mistake made while I was looking for guidance.

After we got that out the way, the rest of evening went excellent. I didn't rant, I didn't hit her with any hard questions, just casually asked her questions about herself and we just did some bonding. We shared some food, had a laugh, all of which was organic because she was/is starting to let her guard down and I am not over-thinking.

The only question, about me personally, that I asked, was if she ever felt "scared" or "intimidated" by me, (at work, to put into context) and she straight away (this time) explained that she is petrified of conflict/confrontation. On account of her "parents fighting when I was younger".

We talked about some follow up ideas (she initiated), one of which doing some hiking, with our mutual friend, T. And the other being her and I going out for dinner "somewhere healthy", since we had been doing the whole 'cheat day' thing together, and her being very healthy/health conscious.

She did passively say she would need to head off before she got too tired (this was Sunday evening, and we both worked, busiest day at work etc etc), and the eatery was getting close to close. But she didn't rush it and even opened dialog about getting/giving lifts (which I was careful about last time, not to pressure her).

**There was a weird moment where she was talking about a (maybe) mosquito bite/abrasion thing on her back and then left a pause, I didn't read into this / think about it, only just occurred to me yesterday haha! (Always looking to improve my subtly / reading abilities, but please call me out if it's ever nothing).

So we stood up, I stretched my legs (I bloody seize up after working all day and then just sitting still haha) and I was just giving her an opening to leave when she felt comfortable. She hesitated and then asked "Err, why are we standing?" and I responded "Um, I thought you were ready to leave...? Haha". Brief talk about fitness / stretching (like I said, she is big on it and I am starting to get into it) and she complimented me on my calves; "You have really nice calve muscles... Those are hard to train" and I said "Thanks".

Big hug and off we went. Drove past her on the freeway (we live in similar directions) after a bit of an unintentional race up the hill haha! Waved as I exited and went home. She message me later, this was the exchange;

"Hey Gingerlicious I'm glad we caught up tonight! Enjoy your days off "

"Thanks L, I had fun. I'm sure we'll make time again soon"

"Yeah, yeah!!! Try not to go a-changing, Gingerlicious. You're a great person and if you ever need someone to talk to I'm happy to listen."

"I won't and I don't need to with great friends like you L ^_^

Thanks for you support, appreciate it."

**NB: I am not over sharing to draw any unnecessary attention to anything, read into anything, or brag. I am literally just using this as a blog / sharing session to help me clear my head and get honest feedback**

Ok, well Tsukumo, I will address you questions/queries/thoughts directly later, just wanted to share this situation first, thanks again.

 

[Glass Rebel]

Haven't posted since the last thread I think and I doubt anyone remembers but here it goes...

Things with the last girl went nowhere but I was too busy with family matter to really care. "Short" version: I asked this girl from one of my classes out, we went on a date that went so-so from my perspective. She kept mentioning her ex-boyfriend (now her "best friend") which annoyed the hell out of me and by the end of the evening I was pretty much ready to move on but she said she had fun and wanted to go on a second date so I was fuck it, let's give it another shot. We started hanging out more at uni, she did some sus stuff (trying on my grandma's engagement ring that I carry as a keepsake with me at all times) and we set a date to go out for dinner. A few days before the date I casually brought it up again and she "remembered" that she had to be at a surprise party for her grandma's birthday that day but we'd still go out and I should write her after the party. My first instinct was to drop it but of course I didn't. Her next excuse was that she had to retake an exam and was busy for the next week. My last message to her was "ok". I deleted her number and stopped wasting my time. That was the last time I heard anything from her and to my surprise I got over her pretty quickly. Funnily enough, a while ago I ran across her at uni. We locked eyes but she almost immediately averted her gaze and walked the other way. I get it, some guys have given us a bad rep the way they handle rejection. It's still pretty rude.

Anyway, last week was the worst. One of my best friends (let's call her Mary-Kate) recently moved to a dorm and I was invited to their bi-yearly costume party. The theme was "sexual fantasies" and I dressed up as a mechanic with a huge... wrench. Went with a friend and we met up with some other dudes he knows from uni. Mary-Kate didn't show up until much later because she was at a different party first but we were quickly joined by her twin sister (Ashley). I had met her only 4-5 times before and she's pretty fun but I didn't exactly expect what followed. She basically jumped at me, we agreed on taking a trip to Namibia and ended up getting tied together with the pair of handcuffs that were part of her prisoner costume. She made no effort to uncuff me and this is how we spent half of the evening, hanging around, dancing etc. That said, we were both pretty loaded so I didn't think too much of it until she started being more direct physically and suggestive (she was thinking loud whether she should go home or come to my place and how we should take only one room in Namibia because it'd be cheaper). Things were about to escalate when whe basically dragged me to her sister's room (she had the keys) and closed the door behind her. So now me and Ashley are sitting on Mary-Kate's bed, talking and I'm internally screaming, not knowing what to do. Well, I technically knew what to do but I was conflicted. First off, by that time I was already sobering up (had to work early the next day) while she was even more drunk than earlier so it felt like I was taking advantage of her. The handcuffs didn't help either. Second, she's the sister of a friend and we were in her room. Third, I didn't really expect to get any action that evening and I had no raincoats with me anyway. While the gears are turning in the back of my mind she uncuffs me, says she has to go to the bathroom and tells me to wait there. Not that I had much of a choice, she locked the door. Now I'm freaking out, knowing that I have to do something. The door opens and to my horror it's not Ashley who returns but Mary-Kate, also pretty loaded. She doesn't think much of it, and sits down (it's her room after all) and says that her feet are killing her. What I did next was pretty damn stupid but it seemed like the only logical thing to do back then. As I said, I was freaking out. I give her a foot massage. Of course, seconds later Ashley enters the room, sees her Mary-Kate ("what are you doing here?"), sees me in full on massage mode ("and what are YOU doing?!"). Needless to say, I didn't have to worry about what to do anymore that evening. I think she ended up making out with a friend for a bit but she says she doesn't remember it anymore, like most of what happened. I met her again to discuss Namibia but didn't bring up that episode in Mary-Kate's room so I'm not sure where to go from here. As I said, she's cool but I can't imagine anything long-term. She's a heavy smoker and that's pretty much a no-no(-ok-but-only-once) in my book. And there's that twin sister thing. Anything involving her would be a one-off or friends with benefits thing. Not that I think she's interested in more (or even that much anymore lmao).

All of this is made more complicated by the fact that things with another girl are going pretty well. I'm more into her than Ashley and my stomach says to concentrate on her but my dick tells me to try to get a casual hook-up out of that mess before I "settle". I doubt I could orchestrate this though so I'm siding with my stomach.

 

[FaintColt388301]

I finally went and dropped off all of my ex's stuff. She would ask for it from time to time but I never felt like making the time to get it all and go give it to her. My current lady wasn't very fond of that.

It felt pretty good though. We broke up on somewhat good terms after a 2 and a half year relationship. Nothing that bad happened. I just wanted out, I didn't see it going anywhere. It was nice to talk with her and truly know there is nothing left there for me. Felt like I was talking to an old friend. Really cool girl though. We talked for awhile about games and our lives then went our separate ways.

Howdy guys...this is my first post in this thread and it's for a very menial task. Getting a girls number. I just don't know why I can't do it. I get so nervous!

It's really not so bad. I'm the same way because I like to be slick and casual about everything. I usually just initiate it by saying that we should hang out sometime and then if the other person sounds in to it ask for the number.

 

[hipgnosis]

.

 

[Granadier]

So I think I'm starting to be in a relationship again. I've been seeing this girl for three months, we have been exclusive for a while and things have been so awesome. We see multiple times a week, spend nights together, share everything etc. I have met her family members and friends and they all know about me. We have both said we have feelings for each other. She is pretty much everything I've hoped for and even more. The funny thing is she came out of the blue into my life and things were really natural from the beginning, she's so different than any other girl I've dated. No silly games, no mind games, just being honest to each other and making each other feel good. The trust level with this girl is also really high and I'm feeling confident and good. Can't believe how lucky I am.

Sounds like a relationship to me.

Congrats.

 

[Hey_Blinkin]

So I need to "break up" with a female friend. We met at my previous job, and have never gone out on a date, and I've told her that I'm not comfortable having a relationship with her. However I made the mistake of telling her that I'm fine being friends, and that if she ever needed to talk she could call me. The problem is she calls me every single night, and texts throughout the day. I damn near have to fake falling asleep on the phone to get away.

The weird thing is I've ended relationships before. Not many, and it has been a while, but this just feels different. She has a wonderful, friendly personality and is just one of the sweetest people I've ever met. Despite that it's becoming very obvious that she doesn't have any other close friends. To be honest, I'm a little worried about her. And I feel guilty because I feel talking to her so much might have led her on a bit, despite me telling her I'm not comfortable dating her.

I know just telling her the truth is probably the best way to go, I just hoped there would be another way.

 

[Reavr]

So I need to "break up" with a female friend. We met at my previous job, and have never gone out on a date, and I've told her that I'm not comfortable having a relationship with her. However I made the mistake of telling her that I'm fine being friends, and that if she ever needed to talk she could call me. The problem is she calls me every single night, and texts throughout the day. I damn near have to fake falling asleep on the phone to get away.

The weird thing is I've ended relationships before. Not many, and it has been a while, but this just feels different. She has a wonderful, friendly personality and is just one of the sweetest people I've ever met. Despite that it's becoming very obvious that she doesn't have any other close friends. To be honest, I'm a little worried about her. And I feel guilty because I feel talking to her so much might have led her on a bit, despite me telling her I'm not comfortable dating her.

I know just telling her the truth is probably the best way to go, I just hoped there would be another way.

That's the tricky part about letting people down easy. You ended up talking your way into a friendship that you either didn't want at all, or didn't expect to be this involving.

These sorts of issues are usually why some people choose to suddenly stop responding to texts and calls after a while -- to dodge the direct approach to keep from having to speak the harsh truth of not wanting to be associated with someone at all anymore. It sounds like you care about her feelings way too much to go that route, which is to be commended. However, that only leaves one of two options left. Either keep playing along with this "friendship" or tell it like it is. And if I were you, I would lean towards the latter.

At some point, there comes a time when you can't let yourself be held hostage by other people's emotions. We've all had our feelings hurt before, and it sucked. And it sucks even worse when the tables turn and we have to be the ones that hurt someone's feelings. But, that doesn't mean that we should hesitate when we know it's what we want, or the best way to go. So, you can't hold yourself accountable for her feelings and cost yourself even more wasted time, effort and energy on a sympathy-friendship. Let her know.

 

[beat]

So I need to "break up" with a female friend. We met at my previous job, and have never gone out on a date, and I've told her that I'm not comfortable having a relationship with her. However I made the mistake of telling her that I'm fine being friends, and that if she ever needed to talk she could call me. The problem is she calls me every single night, and texts throughout the day. I damn near have to fake falling asleep on the phone to get away.

Sounds like what you need is for her to not call you that much rather than a complete "breakup". If I were you, I would text less, and ask her not to call on certain days because either you're busy, or you need to get up early the next day, or just need alone time (though the last, while most honest, is least diplomatic and could probably use a little more tact than what I just said).

 

[NeOak]

So I need to "break up" with a female friend. We met at my previous job, and have never gone out on a date, and I've told her that I'm not comfortable having a relationship with her. However I made the mistake of telling her that I'm fine being friends, and that if she ever needed to talk she could call me. The problem is she calls me every single night, and texts throughout the day. I damn near have to fake falling asleep on the phone to get away.

The weird thing is I've ended relationships before. Not many, and it has been a while, but this just feels different. She has a wonderful, friendly personality and is just one of the sweetest people I've ever met. Despite that it's becoming very obvious that she doesn't have any other close friends. To be honest, I'm a little worried about her. And I feel guilty because I feel talking to her so much might have led her on a bit, despite me telling her I'm not comfortable dating her.

I know just telling her the truth is probably the best way to go, I just hoped there would be another way.

Seems she needs a friend. But the amount of time is too much anyway. So see if you can limit her.

The truth will set you free.

 

[infinitys_7th]

In looking at self-improvement, how should I analyze myself and go about implementing changes?

Back in college, girls told me I am nice/sweet/kind/etc. and I got a lot of attention (genuine and manipulative) for my intelligence (I was "that guy" who aced everything and the professors praised in class). However, "dates" (more just hanging out with each other alone somewhere), the few I had, went nowhere and always returned to just being friends. And that usually ended with the semester because I don't use social networks (see why below).

I always felt like I learned more about them than they did about me because I don't like talking about myself. I hate bragging and several areas of my life are problematic. My parents are one; they both have issues, and I have a "second job" with them that takes up a ton of time.

I can small talk and have a knowledge base to discuss almost anything, but I never felt like I was funny or entertaining. Am I supposed to be? If so, how do I learn to be?

I wonder what reason someone would have to like me as a potential partner. I have interests (gaming obviously, sci-fi, STEM topics, anime to an extent, basically "nerd interests") but they are things that are frowned upon and not something I communicate about to anyone unless prompted. I also have mainstream interests (cooking is a big one, and I like animals and nature as well) but it feels like I have a whole island inside me that no one reaches. I have tried finding groups with similar interests but there are not any near me.

I know this was another rant (and not 100% a dating problem, as it applies to general networking and friendships), but...I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself. And this topic seems like a decent place for advice.

 

[Nestled_Grizzly]

Ok so. I'm hanging out with this girl I became really good friends with in middle school but we haven't seen each other since 8th grade which has been 5 years. We still text occasionally to one another over the time but never anything else. So I asked her if she would be interested in hanging out. So now we are getting dinner and basically catching up on the last five years on Tuesday. I wouldn't actually call this a date but maybe it is. So anyone have advice for this? It's going to be awkward at first but I'm hoping for a good time.

 

[Go_Ly_Dow]

Should I just move on?

There's a girl I like and I think she likes me back, but she's an international student and in June her visa will expire and she will go back.

I love her personality an am attracted to her, but is it even worth looking for a long-term relationship with her given the scenario.

Probably not, right....

it will be 3 years of college and nothing to take away with me. what a waste it will be.

 

[n64coder]

In looking at self-improvement, how should I analyze myself and go about implementing changes?


I always felt like I learned more about them than they did about me because I don't like talking about myself. I hate bragging and several areas of my life are problematic.

I can small talk and have a knowledge base to discuss almost anything, but I never felt like I was funny or entertaining. Am I supposed to be? If so, how do I learn to be?

I wonder what reason someone would have to like me as a potential partner. I have interests (gaming obviously, sci-fi, STEM topics, anime to an extent, basically "nerd interests") but they are things that are frowned upon and not something I communicate about to anyone unless prompted. I also have mainstream interests (cooking is a big one, .

There are girl nerds out there if that is really your interest.

When chatting with people, you'll ask them questions but look for an opening where you can share an anecdote about yourself that is related to the topic at hand. Hopefully it leads to a question from the other person about you. But there are times that the conversation goes flat or the person just like to talk about themselves. You'll just have to move on. It happens.

If you like to cook, take some cooking classes. You might meet a nice woman in the class since they have a high female ratio.

Put yourself in situations where you can meet other people. It's hard work but will pay off.

 

[DarkChronic]

No matter how many different girls, I am SO BAD at the "in between dates" stage.

Went on a fantastic date and now it's the whole, "Do I text her? Why isn't she texting me? Am I being too clingy?" part.

Every. Fucking. Time. You'd think by 25 I'd learn to chill the fuck out but nooooooo.

Any tips on just cooling down about this whole thing? I get so worked up when I don't hear from her. So stupid.

 

[SniperHunter]

Should I just move on?

There's a girl I like and I think she likes me back, but she's an international student and in June her visa will expire and she will go back.

I love her personality an am attracted to her, but is it even worth looking for a long-term relationship with her given the scenario.

Probably not, right....

it will be 3 years of college and nothing to take away with me. what a waste it will be.

She might not have good intentions. She might be trying to get citizenship by using you. Been there...

 

[shattyboombatty]

No matter how many different girls, I am SO BAD at the "in between dates" stage.

Went on a fantastic date and now it's the whole, "Do I text her? Why isn't she texting me? Am I being too clingy?" part.

Every. Fucking. Time. You'd think by 25 I'd learn to chill the fuck out but nooooooo.

Any tips on just cooling down about this whole thing? I get so worked up when I don't hear from her. So stupid.

I'm pretty sure that anxiety doesn't go away with age... just with experience. I get it all the time too (33). It's a combination of being excited and being unsure if they're also excited.

One thing that helps is to have other things going on after the date to focus on... like some activity the next day, or hanging out with friends, or even just talking to other girls... If you've got other girls to talk to, it doesn't have to be a conversation you intend to lead to anything that would disrespect the girl you just saw, but you need something else to focus on so you can calm down a bit. Easier said than done, I know. =P

 

[CitizenVectron]

I just got a stood up for a second date, and that sucks.

She was the one who started talking to me on facebook (mutual friend), and after the conversation kind of died out she started a second conversation a few weeks later which lead to us going out last week, so she showed interest and initiative. She texted the same night after the first date saying she had a great time and wanted to go out again, so we made plans for this week and talked a bit via text/facebook in the meantime. So today rolls around and I texted her this morning to clarify the time and I didn't get a response. But she normally was a slow text responder anyway, so I went to the location anyway...and she was a no show.

I see she's posted on social networking stuff since then, so it's not like she was in an accident. What's the standard procedure on something like this? Obviously she's not interested (which was weird after her approaching me and then asking for a second date), but I also don't think it's probably worth me texting her to tell her I don't appreciate what she did (just not showing up/responding instead of just saying she didn't want to go out), is it?

 

[Jhoan]

I just got a stood up for a second date, and that sucks.

She was the one who started talking to me on facebook (mutual friend), and after the conversation kind of died out she started a second conversation a few weeks later which lead to us going out last week, so she showed interest and initiative. She texted the same night after the first date saying she had a great time and wanted to go out again, so we made plans for this week and talked a bit via text/facebook in the meantime. So today rolls around and I texted her this morning to clarify the time and I didn't get a response. But she normally was a slow text responder anyway, so I went to the location anyway...and she was a no show.

I see she's posted on social networking stuff since then, so it's not like she was in an accident. What's the standard procedure on something like this? Obviously she's not interested (which was weird after her approaching me and then asking for a second date), but I also don't think it's probably worth me texting her to tell her I don't appreciate what she did (just not showing up/responding instead of just saying she didn't want to go out), is it?

You answered your own question. I don't think it's worth wasting your time telling her that she stood you up since she's probably going to ignore it any way. Definitely burn your bridges and move on. I've also had first dates that I felt went solid but the girls didn't feel the same that they stopped replying so I moved on. It saves time for both parties. I'm sure you'll bounce back in no time.

 

[CitizenVectron]

Man I rarely get any dates, it was so nice to have a girl approach me rather than the other way around for once.

 

[PflargBlarg]

I see she's posted on social networking stuff since then, so it's not like she was in an accident. What's the standard procedure on something like this? Obviously she's not interested (which was weird after her approaching me and then asking for a second date), but I also don't think it's probably worth me texting her to tell her I don't appreciate what she did (just not showing up/responding instead of just saying she didn't want to go out), is it?

Oh man, I've made this mistake before. Definitely don't do that. You've got the right idea, just ignore it and move on.

 

[CitizenVectron]

Yeah I just removed her from facebook and other social stuff. The whole thing was weird, I guess I know how a lot of girls feel now, but in reverse. She was the only who approached me, made first contact, asked for a second date, said what day she was available, etc. Weird after all that to then just not show up. But I guess some people are like that. It was only one date though so not a big deal, I just can't imagine being disrespectful like that, regardless of the situation. Obviously I'm glad we didn't keep going out as I don't like that sort of character trait!

 

[potam]

Someone tell me if I was in the wrong here. Gonna skip backstory (because if I gave it, you'd think I was an idiot to even be with this girl) and just say what happened last night/this morning.

Long story short, I've had a cough for a while. I must have been coughing in my sleep, because I'm woken up at ~7 AM this morning by the girl mad and complaining that my coughing woke her up. That set me off and I basically let her have it, telling her she was extremely fucking self-centered and she didn't even have the common courtesy to consider that it's ME dealing with whatever I've got. Told her to get her shit in the morning and go.

She woke up this morning acting confused and somewhat remorseful, talking about how she wants to stop drinking and blah blah blah.

Pretty sure we're done (again), and I really don't mind.

 

[Buckethead]

Feels bad when your ex drunk dials you.

I want to answer but... can't.

 

[Nestled_Grizzly]

Feels bad when your ex drunk dials you.

I want to answer but... can't.

I would honesty block the number

 

[Wolf Akela]

GAF, did you get your girlfriend some kind of defensive weapon? I'm getting worried. My girlfriend usually has to go home at night and we live far apart. She usually gets unwanted attention, and some of them even ask for her number. Sounds like just trying to get a date, but what if they were crazy?

I'm thinking of buying her a tactical light. Any suggestions? Stun guns require contact, and pepper sprays are fairly close ranged. Not to mention I'm worried the attacker can use those to overpower her. Tactical flashlight can be used from a distance, doesn't really look like a weapon and probably easier to use because who hasn't used a regular flashlight

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

Man, people are stupid and flakey. Someone asked to go skating with me on Friday I text them today since I said I was going Sunday and they make a whole song and dance about they can't go. I didn't ask them to come along, they invited themselves. Wtf?

 

[SephiZack]

I will use my username instead of my real name in this comment

Is it meaningful if a girl keeps complimenting you on everything, even little insignificant things?
My cousin is interested in this girl and I thought she also was interested in him, but yesterday when we visited some places with a group of friends she kept giving me compliments like "SephiZack is smart" and "SephiZack's jokes are very funny" (they aren't). She also complimented me when I found somewhere for us to sit all together on the train and said something like "wow SephiZack sure have a good sight" and she jokingly compared another guy in the group with me saying something along the lines of "you would need to improve many times to reach SephiZack's level". And she kept saying positive things about me throughout the day. She never even once complimented me directly, she always said those things while speaking to another person or to the entire group, probably because the two of us aren't close friends (Even though we have almost all the classes in common, we rarely speak directly to each other because I'm shy and she is always with her friends).

I think she's cute and interesting, but the problem is that I offered to help my cousin with her because he told me he likes her so I would feel like shit if I did something with her.
I'm really scared that she could be into me because a part of me wouldn't be able to turn her down and the other part wouldn't be able to betray my cousin (we grew up together and have a close relationship).

 

[BadTaste]

Feels bad when your ex drunk dials you.

I want to answer but... can't.

That happened to me before, except I was stupid enough to answer.

 

[Symphonia]

I will use my username instead of my real name in this comment.

/snip

If you know your cousin is in to this girl and you go ahead and date her if/when she shows an interest, you're making a douchebag move. Let the girl know you're not interested in her in that way, help your cousin win her round, and let the positive karma flow. You wouldn't be too happy if you and your cousin were in each others shoes.

 

[Hyrule Warrior]

Hey guys...so I'm here because I'm looking for some opinions/advice. I just don't know if what I'm planning on doing will be received well or not, and I wish I could have a woman's perspective more than anything, but I don't know where to find it. I feel like anyone I ask in family is going to be too biased towards me to give me an accurate answer.

So I'm in college right now...I'm 31, so I'm not exactly a college aged kid, but more of a late bloomer. Never been very good with girls, and never had a serious girlfriend. I don't know what it is, whether it's my being shy, or introverted, or my average looks...maybe a combination of all of it, who knows. I've been sitting next to this girl in one of my classes, she's only 2 years younger than me, so I feel like she's more relate-able than the younger folks in school. I try to chat whenever we can, we added each other on FB.

I'm not sure what I want to pursue...I do like her, I mean...I think she's pretty, and we talk in class. I'd like to know her more, and be friends with possibly more. I don't know! I just know I'd like to at least see what happens, and I never know how to approach that stuff. It doesn't flow naturally to me...even when it comes to just making guy friends, I never make them easy. Haven't had anyone to hang out with in years.

So the thing is...recently my mom has been making all these scarves and blankets out from crocheting yarn for family and friends. She's been giving them to my brothers and their kids, and their wives and girlfriends. She's even started giving scarves to people at her work cuz she makes so many. This got me thinking, this girl in my class walks a lot to places. It's been getting cold lately, and a scarf would be perfect for her. The idea originally simply came from me wanting to be nice honestly. So I asked my mom if she would make her one too, and she said sure. I asked the girl what her 2 favorite colors that go together were, but didn't tell her the reason yet.

The thing is, last week I got thinking...it might be cooler, and mean more if my mom didn't make her the scarf, but rather if I did. Last thursday, I asked my mom for tips, and I've already taught myself how to crochet. I got so hooked into doing it, that I made the scarf, and even made a matching cap to go with it.

Here's a link to a picture I took of them just to show what I made: http://i.imgur.com/0tjMrCx.jpg

Ever since I did this, I'm just wondering how it might be received. I wanna tell her exactly what I said, that I think she could use it cause she walks so much, and the weather is lousy, but I'm hoping that I made these for her, she might think of it as a sweet gesture too. No idea if it'll be seen that way, or maybe just weird. Sorry for the long story, but if anyone does read, especially if you're a girl yourself, opinions or advice would be appreciated.

 

[GK86]

Don't give/make her a scarf.

Ask her out for coffee/drinks over the weekend.

 

[Granadier]

Oh dear god. Don't make her a scarf. Please, please don't.

Go for the coffee instead.

 

[Coda]

You can totally give her the scarf, but don't do it until you've gone on a couple dates and know for sure that you actually like her and that she likes you back.

 

[Pat]

Hey guys...so I'm here because I'm looking for some opinions/advice. I just don't know if what I'm planning on doing will be received well or not, and I wish I could have a woman's perspective more than anything, but I don't know where to find it. I feel like anyone I ask in family is going to be too biased towards me to give me an accurate answer.

So I'm in college right now...I'm 31, so I'm not exactly a college aged kid, but more of a late bloomer. Never been very good with girls, and never had a serious girlfriend. I don't know what it is, whether it's my being shy, or introverted, or my average looks...maybe a combination of all of it, who knows. I've been sitting next to this girl in one of my classes, she's only 2 years younger than me, so I feel like she's more relate-able than the younger folks in school. I try to chat whenever we can, we added each other on FB.

I'm not sure what I want to pursue...I do like her, I mean...I think she's pretty, and we talk in class. I'd like to know her more, and be friends with possibly more. I don't know! I just know I'd like to at least see what happens, and I never know how to approach that stuff. It doesn't flow naturally to me...even when it comes to just making guy friends, I never make them easy. Haven't had anyone to hang out with in years.

So the thing is...recently my mom has been making all these scarves and blankets out from crocheting yarn for family and friends. She's been giving them to my brothers and their kids, and their wives and girlfriends. She's even started giving scarves to people at her work cuz she makes so many. This got me thinking, this girl in my class walks a lot to places. It's been getting cold lately, and a scarf would be perfect for her. The idea originally simply came from me wanting to be nice honestly. So I asked my mom if she would make her one too, and she said sure. I asked the girl what her 2 favorite colors that go together were, but didn't tell her the reason yet.

The thing is, last week I got thinking...it might be cooler, and mean more if my mom didn't make her the scarf, but rather if I did. Last thursday, I asked my mom for tips, and I've already taught myself how to crochet. I got so hooked into doing it, that I made the scarf, and even made a matching cap to go with it.

Here's a link to a picture I took of them just to show what I made: http://i.imgur.com/0tjMrCx.jpg

Ever since I did this, I'm just wondering how it might be received. I wanna tell her exactly what I said, that I think she could use it cause she walks so much, and the weather is lousy, but I'm hoping that I made these for her, she might think of it as a sweet gesture too. No idea if it'll be seen that way, or maybe just weird. Sorry for the long story, but if anyone does read, especially if you're a girl yourself, opinions or advice would be appreciated.

Dude, don't. You don't even know her yet. :/ Ask her out instead... like you're supposed to and go from there.

Keep that scarf though. It could be a pleasant surprise if something comes out from you two.

 

[stn]

@Hyrule Warrior

I cannot emphasize how much I agree with what the others have said. It is VERY important that you keep things simple before a first date. All you need to do is tell her the following: "Hey, I've enjoyed our conversations lately. Would you like to grab a coffee sometime?" That's it.

Although, I'll explain why a scarf is a bad idea just so you understand the mindset behind it. Most people tend to think that gifts are always good, that they're a win-win situation. No. When you give a gift you're implying something that is more than casual. People love casual because it keeps things easy and makes it easy for them to escape if they decide they don't have feelings for the other person.

Imagine you give this girl the scarf and tell her, "Hey, my mom and I made this for you." She's suddenly going to assume that you've told your family about her, that you're very serious about dating her, that you want more than just casual dating, and so forth. These will be the thoughts that swim through her head.

Keep it casual and simple!

 

[Hyrule Warrior]

 

[RpgN]

Since you want a girl's perspective, your thoughts and idea to make her something personal is very sweet. Many girls would like that. However, you need to find the right time to hand it over. Ask her out, watch movies with her or whatever you like to do. This would give you and her the time to know more about each other and will be able to sense whether there is more to it than being friends. After you feel more confident about your relationship with her, then it would be a good time to hand over what you have. It all depends on how fast she likes you and how fast she wants to know more about you as well.

It sounds like you're a very sensitive type, the type of person who can be easily misunderstood. If you give her this much of yourself after only talking for a while, you might be perceived as desperate or clingy. That's why it's better to wait for a bit. Also, avoid having high expectations in order to not hurt yourself. Take the initiative, find out where the relationship leads but don't get hang-up it if it turns out she sees you as a friend only.

 

[Hyrule Warrior]

Since you want a girl's perspective, your thoughts and idea to make her something personal is very sweet. Many girls would like that. However, you need to find the right time to hand it over. Ask her out, watch movies with her or whatever you like to do. This would give you and her the time to know more about each other and will be able to sense whether there is more to it than being friends. After you feel more confident about your relationship with her, then it would be a good time to hand over what you have. It all depends on how fast she likes you and how fast she wants to know more about you as well.

It sounds like you're a very sensitive type, the type of person who can be easily misunderstood. If you give her this much of yourself after only talking for a while, you might be perceived as desperate or clingy. That's why it's better to wait for a bit. Also, avoid having high expectations in order to not hurt yourself. Take the initiative, find out where the relationship leads but don't get hang-up it if it turns out she sees you as a friend only.

It sounds like you kinda get me, which I appreciate. I am a sensitive guy, and I'm often better at expressing how I feel through actions rather than words.

Anyway, I did call her yesterday and left a voice mail, she got back to me today and says she'd like to meet for coffee before class, so we're going to do that tomorrow. I am obviously nervous, because I never feel like I know what to say when I'm simply wanting to get to know a girl better. I don't know how to be subtle, I only know how to say what I'm thinking, and what I want, which I know is the wrong approach.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and learned things about myself, whether it's through class or therapy. I've learned that I haven't always been a good listener, because I can often turn a conversation around because talking about yourself is always easier than remembering what someone else says. I hate that I've been that way, I want to actively listen to her, and find out more about her, but I don't know how to go about that still. I often fumble about topics in a conversation with anyone, because other than video games, I don't feel I know much about a lot of things.