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[DarkChronic]

Ugh. Can't make heads or tails of this.

So last night was our fifth date. It went great. Dinner, walking around the city, endless talking, laughing, making plans for the future. All real good stuff.

Only problem is, I want to start hanging out with her alone, instead of on dates. We're five dates in and we've only kissed. I'd love to cuddle in for a night with her and just watch movies, but that doesn't seem to be happening. When I suggested it, she gave me the, "Uh, well, tomorrow night might not be good, but I'll let you know."

Anyone experience something like this? Bad sign? I texted her last night after the date to say I had a great time, and we texted for a few hours after that, all positive and engaging stuff.

I'm not looking to have sex or anything - really, I would love to just make out all night and get to know her more privately.

How much longer should I stick with it?

 

[electricshake]

Ugh. Can't make heads or tails of this.

So last night was our fifth date. It went great. Dinner, walking around the city, endless talking, laughing, making plans for the future. All real good stuff.

Only problem is, I want to start hanging out with her alone, instead of on dates. We're five dates in and we've only kissed. I'd love to cuddle in for a night with her and just watch movies, but that doesn't seem to be happening. When I suggested it, she gave me the, "Uh, well, tomorrow night might not be good, but I'll let you know."

Anyone experience something like this? Bad sign? I texted her last night after the date to say I had a great time, and we texted for a few hours after that, all positive and engaging stuff.

I'm not looking to have sex or anything - really, I would love to just make out all night and get to know her more privately.

How much longer should I stick with it?

Next date either offer to cook for her at yours, or suggest going back to yours after you've been out for your date. It may be that she doesn't want to rush into it, and generally when a guy suggests going to his place it's because he wants sex (I know this isn't always the case but as a woman, that's pretty much what you have to assume).

 

[Maintenance]

One question: I'll try to be as smooth as possible this time, not inflammatory. Is it weird that I don't like to hit on girls that can't walk straight / talk without blabbering in a nightclub? I know that many guys like girls to be drunk as hell, so that they have an easier chance to score, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I did it once and felt like crap afterwards. Even though I get more "no" because I go on sober girls, I feel better doing that. One "friend" of mine told me that I should go for it, I don't have beauty on my side so them being drunk would help my chances, but I just can't.

Should I change?

EDIT: I don't care about getting a higher number of girls in a night, and I'm not there to get a girlfriend either, just have fun.

 

[PflargBlarg]

One question: I'll try to be as smooth as possible this time, not inflammatory. Is it weird that I don't like to hit on girls that can't walk straight / talk without blabbering in a nightclub? I know that many guys like girls to be drunk as hell, so that they have an easier chance to score, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I did it once and felt like crap afterwards. Even though I get more "no" because I go on sober girls, I feel better doing that. One "friend" of mine told me that I should go for it, I don't have beauty on my side so them being drunk would help my chances, but I just can't.

Should I change?

EDIT: I don't care about getting a higher number of girls in a night, and I'm not there to get a girlfriend either, just have fun.

Specifically targeting drunk girls is pretty fucked up. That's quite the predatory mindset. I mean, people are going to be drinking at a club but if they're "drunk as hell" I would stay away.

 

[GK86]

One question: I'll try to be as smooth as possible this time, not inflammatory. Is it weird that I don't like to hit on girls that can't walk straight / talk without blabbering in a nightclub? I know that many guys like girls to be drunk as hell, so that they have an easier chance to score, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I did it once and felt like crap afterwards. Even though I get more "no" because I go on sober girls, I feel better doing that. One "friend" of mine told me that I should go for it, I don't have beauty on my side so them being drunk would help my chances, but I just can't.

Should I change?

EDIT: I don't care about getting a higher number of girls in a night, and I'm not there to get a girlfriend either, just have fun.

No, you shouldn't change. It is a shitty thing to do in my view. Fuck your friend's advice.

 

[VASPER]

Went out on a date with a girl i've been crushing on for a while this past week the day before thanksgiving. I'm going with my gut feeling and giving it time before i hit her up if at all (I'll see her in fitness class next week) and waiting a full week or maybe 5 days. We agreed to meet up again, it's always a good sign (for me) when a girl lets me buy her coffee on the first date. When ya'll think i should hit her up for the second?

 

[Maintenance]

Specifically targeting drunk girls is pretty fucked up. That's quite the predatory mindset. I mean, people are going to be drinking at a club but if they're "drunk as hell" I would stay away.

That's what I think. I'm mentioning this today because yesterday something like this happened, a girl was drunk as hell and many, many guys were ogling her, trying to get her attention and scoring with her. She came near me but I told her no, and she went away mad. One friend of hers was trying to keep her under control, but the girl was going insane.

The guys looked like sharks after blood in the sea.

No, you shouldn't change. It is a shitty thing to do in my view. Fuck your friend's advice.

Thanks, that's what I thought.

 

[GK86]

Went out on a date with a girl i've been crushing on for a while this past week the day before thanksgiving. I'm going with my gut feeling and giving it time before i hit her up if at all (I'll see her in fitness class next week) and waiting a full week or maybe 5 days. We agreed to meet up again, it's always a good sign (for me) when a girl lets me buy her coffee on the first date. When ya'll think i should hit her up for the second?

I would hit her up today.



But I don't follow any of those "wait X amount of hours/days" rules. I just hit them up whenever I want. Although, I also don't blow up their phone in the process.

 

[Xun]

I think I may have asked a girl out on Tinder too soon, but I'm unsure.

I honestly can't be bothered to talk too long online, but that's probably a big mistake by me.

 

[Maintenance]

I think I may have asked a girl out on Tinder too soon, but I'm unsure.

I honestly can't be bothered to talk too long online, but that's probably a big mistake by me.

Heh, I'm the opposite, I missed a couple of girls because I didn't ask them out soon enough. But it takes a while for me to trust someone, especially if I met them online. Who knows what they might want, I don't want to wake up in a bathtub filled with ice.

 

[War Peaceman]

What's a good way to surreptitiously find out if someone has a boyfriend? (In conversation not through being a creepy stalker)

 

[Gromph]

What's a good way to surreptitiously find out if someone has a boyfriend? (In conversation not through being a creepy stalker)

By the way, do you have boyfriend?

 

[Symphonia]

What's a good way to surreptitiously find out if someone has a boyfriend? (In conversation not through being a creepy stalker)

Is this person a close friend or someone new in your life?

 

[kittoo]

Goddamnit!
Just 4-5 days ago, I was sure we had something. I was so happy. Since last 10-12 days. we were spending so much time together. We cooked and had dinner at my place some 4-5 times in past 10 days, twice we kept talking till the morning, laying side by side, and then she would sleep at my place, every-time she saw me she would automatically have a smile on her face (I read somewhere that this involuntary smile is a good sign) and since we are in the same office- we see each other like 10 times a day, if we weren't getting together then she would message me every night on FB and we would end up chatting for quite some time, we would banter all the time- with our own inside jokes and all, and I would make her laugh so hard her belly would ache.
All in all, a smashing time we would have and signs that things were progressing.
But in past 2 days, while we are still spending time together, I am getting a sense that things aren't progressing. We still have good time (we spent a whole night talking just 1 day back), but I have some sneaking suspicion that she isn't romantically interested in me. She hasn't said anything, but I don't know why I feel that. Maybe because things aren't progressing. Am I getting friend-zoned? But I thought the signs were solid. In her own words, I am an 'eye-candy', have a great personality etc., and then the signs above. I dont know what's happening.

 

[NeOak]

Goddamnit!
Just 4-5 days ago, I was sure we had something. I was so happy. Since last 10-12 days. we were spending so much time together. We cooked and had dinner at my place some 4-5 times in past 10 days, twice we kept talking till the morning, laying side by side, and then she would sleep at my place, every-time she saw me she would automatically have a smile on her face (I read somewhere that this involuntary smile is a good sign) and since we are in the same office- we see each other like 10 times a day, if we weren't getting together then she would message me every night on FB and we would end up chatting for quite some time, we would banter all the time- with our own inside jokes and all, and I would make her laugh so hard her belly would ache.
All in all, a smashing time we would have and signs that things were progressing.
But in past 2 days, while we are still spending time together, I am getting a sense that things aren't progressing. We still have good time (we spent a whole night talking just 1 day back), but I have some sneaking suspicion that she isn't romantically interested in me. She hasn't said anything, but I don't know why I feel that. Maybe because things aren't progressing. Am I getting friend-zoned? But I thought the signs were solid. In her own words, I am an 'eye-candy', have a great personality etc., and then the signs above. I dont know what's happening.

Create distance and see.

 

[kittoo]

Create distance and see.

To be clear, what desired effect am I looking for bro, by creating distance? How would I know what she feels?

 

[Glass Rebel]

Goddamnit!
Just 4-5 days ago, I was sure we had something. I was so happy. Since last 10-12 days. we were spending so much time together. We cooked and had dinner at my place some 4-5 times in past 10 days, twice we kept talking till the morning, laying side by side, and then she would sleep at my place, every-time she saw me she would automatically have a smile on her face (I read somewhere that this involuntary smile is a good sign) and since we are in the same office- we see each other like 10 times a day, if we weren't getting together then she would message me every night on FB and we would end up chatting for quite some time, we would banter all the time- with our own inside jokes and all, and I would make her laugh so hard her belly would ache.
All in all, a smashing time we would have and signs that things were progressing.
But in past 2 days, while we are still spending time together, I am getting a sense that things aren't progressing. We still have good time (we spent a whole night talking just 1 day back), but I have some sneaking suspicion that she isn't romantically interested in me. She hasn't said anything, but I don't know why I feel that. Maybe because things aren't progressing. Am I getting friend-zoned? But I thought the signs were solid. In her own words, I am an 'eye-candy', have a great personality etc., and then the signs above. I dont know what's happening.

Since your post isn't really clear on this, I have to ask about the first bolded. She was at your place several times, slept over twice... and nothing intimate happened? I mean, you shouldn't force it but things aren't progressing because you guys are keeping it purely platonic with seemingly neither of you trying to move it to the "next level". Someone's gotta take initiative and you can't count on her to do it.

Also, do yourself a favour and strike "friendzone" out of your mental lexicon. It'll only interfere with your thoughts and emotions. If you like this girl and have developed feelings for her, act upon them. If she reciprocates them, great.

 

[kittoo]

Since your post isn't really clear on this, I have to ask about the first bolded. She was at your place several times, slept over twice... and nothing intimate happened? I mean, you shouldn't force it but things aren't progressing because you guys are keeping it purely platonic with seemingly neither of you trying to move it to the "next level". Someone's gotta take initiative and you can't count on her to do it.

Also, do yourself a favour and strike "friendzone" out of your mental lexicon. It'll only interfere with your thoughts and emotions. If you like this girl and have developed feelings for her, act upon them. If she reciprocates them, great.

Well...this is where it gets interesting.
The first time we spent the night together, we ended up talking about exes. The talk drifted towards sex and she asked if I had done it with my ex. I said yes, which was true. To my utter surprise, she said she has never done it with any of her 3 exes, even though she was with them for more than 1 year on average. Not only that, she made it sound as if what I had done was wrong, even though I was in an extremely serious relationship. This has made me wary of making any intimate move. I dont know what kind of relationships she makes, what are her boundaries. Its even more puzzling cause before that, I thought she was an extremely open person about these things. My general impression was that of course she would've done it. I am not making any judgements. Its just that she has scared me after that talk.

 

[1.21Gigawatts]

Goddamnit!
Just 4-5 days ago, I was sure we had something. I was so happy. Since last 10-12 days. we were spending so much time together. We cooked and had dinner at my place some 4-5 times in past 10 days, twice we kept talking till the morning, laying side by side, and then she would sleep at my place, every-time she saw me she would automatically have a smile on her face (I read somewhere that this involuntary smile is a good sign) and since we are in the same office- we see each other like 10 times a day, if we weren't getting together then she would message me every night on FB and we would end up chatting for quite some time, we would banter all the time- with our own inside jokes and all, and I would make her laugh so hard her belly would ache.
All in all, a smashing time we would have and signs that things were progressing.
But in past 2 days, while we are still spending time together, I am getting a sense that things aren't progressing. We still have good time (we spent a whole night talking just 1 day back), but I have some sneaking suspicion that she isn't romantically interested in me. She hasn't said anything, but I don't know why I feel that. Maybe because things aren't progressing. Am I getting friend-zoned? But I thought the signs were solid. In her own words, I am an 'eye-candy', have a great personality etc., and then the signs above. I dont know what's happening.

Did either one of you try to take things to the next level and make things more intimate?
For all you know she could be sitting at home wondering whether you're even "romantically interested" in her.
I mean, its usually men who take the first step and spending several nights with a man just talking could seems a bit suspicious to a woman.

So stop that bs friend-zone talk and make a clear non verbal statement to her.

Btw. what is she wearing we you have her over? Is she putting a lot of effort in her outfit/makeup?


edit:

To my utter surprise, she said she has never done it with any of her 3 exes, even though she was with them for more than 1 year on average.

Yeah, taking the first step to more intimacy is definitely your job here.

 

[kittoo]

Did either one of you try to take things to the next level and make things more intimate?
For all you know she could be sitting at home wondering whether you're even "romantically interested" in her.
I mean, its usually men who take the first step and spending several nights with a man just talking could seems a bit suspicious to a woman.

So stop that bs friend-zone talk and make a clear non verbal statement to her.

Btw. what is she wearing we you have her over? Is she putting a lot of effort in her outfit/makeup?


edit:

Yeah, taking the first step to more intimacy is definitely your job here.

No I dont think she is putting that much effort in her looks when she comes.

But, what about her reaction to the fact that I had done it with my ex? She reacted as if that was wrong. That has made me a little scared of trying to be intimate with her.

 

[War Peaceman]

By the way, do you have boyfriend?

Well I was asking for that

Is this person a close friend or someone new in your life?

Coworker/person in my department who I've recently met, which is why I wanted to be a bit subtle about it.

 

[strata8]

^Treat it as a first date. Don't over think it.

Thanks Decided to meet at a plaza close to her place and go from there.

Well I was asking for that



Coworker/person in my department who I've recently met, which is why I wanted to be a bit subtle about it.

Maybe talk about an ex?

 

[Loci]

No I dont think she is putting that much effort in her looks when she comes.

But, what about her reaction to the fact that I had done it with my ex? She reacted as if that was wrong. That has made me a little scared of trying to be intimate with her.

You are not the one who should feel scared.
I was going to say you were getting friend zoned, hard. Spending nights together without at least a little bit of touching is.. well uncommon. You don't have to have sex on your first day, but show some physical affection when you spend that much time together.
But since she's some prude who did not have sex with her boyfriends during a 1 year long relationship, I'd say she's hella scared or has some other issues.
Just try breaking the ice somehow. Ask her what's up with her not wanting to have sex and show that you are sexually attracted to her.
Anyways, it looks like you are in for a lot of work/waiting.

 

[j3ff3]

*edited - going to report mate's ex as a stalker (!)

 

[Granadier]

You are not the one who should feel scared.
I was going to say you were getting friend zoned, hard. Spending nights together without at least a little bit of touching is.. well uncommon. You don't have to have sex on your first day, but show some physical affection when you spend that much time together.
But since she's some prude who did not have sex with her boyfriends during a 1 year long relationship, I'd say she's hella scared or has some other issues.
Just try breaking the ice somehow. Ask her what's up with her not wanting to have sex and show that you are sexually attracted to her.
Anyways, it looks like you are in for a lot of work/waiting.

This is good advice, but the lady doesn't automatically become a prude if she hasn't had sex with her previous boyfriends. She may just have differing ideas on intimacy.

@kittoo, it seems like your ideals don't line up with her ideals. I would recommend distancing yourself from her and looking for a lady that has more in common with what you are looking for.

 

[Beefeater]

Hi, 21yo male virgin here. Never made a move on a girl.

@kittoo, it seems like your ideals don't line up with her ideals. I would recommend distancing yourself from her and looking for a lady that has more in common with what you are looking for.

I don't get this. Why end a good thing without exploring it properly? She's having a good time with him, so I think the perfect way to get more intimate would be to ask her (with some humor) what's up with her views on sex, and proceed to express his interest to get in her pants. If she's turned off by it, at least he tried. If she's worth keeping around, questions like those shouldn't break their platonic relationship either.

...so says the virgin relationships guru.

 

[kittoo]

This is good advice, but the lady doesn't automatically become a prude if she hasn't had sex with her previous boyfriends. She may just have differing ideas on intimacy.

@kittoo, it seems like your ideals don't line up with her ideals. I would recommend distancing yourself from her and looking for a lady that has more in common with what you are looking for.

Hey Granadier,

It's not that I wanna have sex right there and then. I can wait, for a long time if required, but the condition is that I must know that she is interested in me. If she likes me, but wants to wait, I don't mind.
The problem in the current set-up is, I dont know if she is interested and can't try to get intimate because I dont know how she will take it. As things stand, I am either getting friend-zoned super hard (I mean, come one! Spending nights together with no intimacy at all!) or she is interested but I can't know because her opinions on intimacy are very different.
I dont know how to solve this problem. Don't know how to get to know what she feels. Just 4-5 days ago, I was so sure that she liked me. Everything was there. Her msging me, smiling upon seeing, her bantering with me....everything! And now I dont know because of this intimacy block.
I can try and distance myself and see how she reacts. But is that a good idea? I am not a 'playing games' kinda guy and I am scared that such games might do more harm than good.

Hi, 21yo male virgin here. Never made a move on a girl.



I don't get this. Why end a good thing without exploring it properly? She's having a good time with him, so I think the perfect way to get more intimate would be to ask her (with some humor) what's up with her views on sex, and proceed to express his interest to get in her pants. If she's turned off by it, at least he tried. If she's worth keeping around, questions like those shouldn't break their platonic relationship either.

...so says the virgin relationships guru.

My current plan is to ask her why she never did it, respectfully of course. Depending upon her answer, I will either show my interest or try to calibrate my response accordingly. That's ok to do, right?

 

[electricshake]

Hey Granadier,

It's not that I wanna have sex right there and then. I can wait, for a long time if required, but the condition is that I must know that she is interested in me. If she likes me, but wants to wait, I don't mind.
The problem in the current set-up is, I dont know if she is interested and can't try to get intimate because I dont know how she will take it. As things stand, I am either getting friend-zoned super hard (I mean, come one! Spending nights together with no intimacy at all!) or she is interested but I can't know because her opinions on intimacy are very different.
I dont know how to solve this problem. Don't know how to get to know what she feels. Just 4-5 days ago, I was so sure that she liked me. Everything was there. Her msging me, smiling upon seeing, her bantering with me....everything! And now I dont know because of this intimacy block.
I can try and distance myself and see how she reacts. But is that a good idea? I am not a 'playing games' kinda guy and I am scared that such games might do more harm than good.

You can get intimate without having sex...should have just kissed her and taken it from there. Why not ask her out on a date?

 

[kittoo]

You can get intimate without having sex...should have just kissed her and taken it from there. Why not ask her out on a date?

Well.....to be honest...I am scared of loosing everything (I guess I am slowly falling into the classic 'friend-zoned' guy). What if after that we aren't even talking?

 

[AcridMeat]

You're starting to ignore good advice brought up earlier on this page, namely stop thinking about this friend zone because it will mess with your thoughts and actions, which it already is, just read your last few posts.

You have no issue asking her for alone time with dinner, I agree with electricshake, ask her out and make a move when you find yourselves lying on a bed together or whatever. Then you'll know where she stands with you.

edit: Oh and I get your fear of losing what you have with her already, but don't put too much stock in a relationship so young.

 

[electricshake]

Well.....to be honest...I am scared of loosing everything (I guess I am slowly falling into the classic 'friend-zoned' guy). What if after that we aren't even talking?

Enough with the friendzone shit, seriously.

She's not going to stop talking to you if you ask her out on a date if she is genuinely your friend. She might say no, and it might be a bit awkward for a few days but as long as you play it cool it won't be a big deal. Assuming you're ok with being just friends. If not, it's better to ask then you can move on if she's not interested in you.

 

[kittoo]

You're starting to ignore good advice brought up earlier on this page, namely stop thinking about this friend zone because it will mess with your thoughts and actions, which it already is, just read your last few posts.

You have no issue asking her for alone time with dinner, I agree with electricshake, ask her out and make a move when you find yourselves lying on a bed together or whatever. Then you'll know where she stands with you.

edit: Oh and I get your fear of losing what you have with her already, but don't put too much stock in a relationship so young.

Enough with the friendzone shit, seriously.

She's not going to stop talking to you if you ask her out on a date if she is genuinely your friend. She might say no, and it might be a bit awkward for a few days but as long as you play it cool it won't be a big deal. Assuming you're ok with being just friends. If not, it's better to ask then you can move on if she's not interested in you.

I guess you guys are right. If she says no, and if we both can remain cool about that, I guess we can still remain friends (which we were anyway, so no harm done). Thanks guys. Will try to ask her, or get intimate, whichever opportunity arises first and I am comfortable with it.
Thanks guys.

 

[Brewmont]

Hey all,

I'm a new member to GAF, longtime lurker. I just found this topic, so I figure it's a good place as any to talk about this stuff. My issue is that I have a very hard time opening myself up to potential dates and not being too picky, due to my past. So, a bit of my back story: I had my first serious relationship in High School when I was 18. I had a few flings before that, but this was the real thing, or so I thought.

We dated for roughly 5 years, and had a very messy break up, because I found out that over those 5 years she had been cheating on me with several people I knew, some of whom were in a band with me. I had suspicions over those years, but any time I tried to confront her, she would literally make me feel like I was crazy and paranoid. Anyway, when everything fell apart, I took it surprisingly well. It was good to know I wasn't insane, and I felt a renewed sense of hope for the future.

I took my time being single, but because I had wasted those prime dating years (18-24), I was largely unfamiliar with how to date again. Plus, I was way too picky. What followed was two relationships over the course of several years (I'm now 27). The ending of each of them made me turn all the negativity inward toward myself, doing a number on my self confidence. It made me feel like I'm in a cycle that is doomed to repeat itself.

Now, I'm a few years out of college, with a boring job that I strongly dislike, so I'm going to be starting a new second bachelor's in the Spring. Because I'm working 40 hrs a week and no longer know many younger people, I'm finding it difficult to put the effort in to meeting new girls. I can't seem to detach myself from the stress I feel from my job and simultaneous fear I have of being thought of as a creepy older guy who is still getting his life together. At work, I don't relate to the older middle-aged people in my office, nor to the co-workers my age who are settling down.

This all feeds into a tendency for me to find it easier to not pursue girls who show interest in me, than to take that plunge, unless I definitely feel something there. My few single friends tell me to just have fun, but I don't want to waste my time. It's hard to explain, but that's all of it. Maybe i'm just too negative.

 

[Beefeater]

Sounds like we joined around the same time! My earlier post was my first on this forum.

I can't seem to detach myself from the stress I feel from my job and simultaneous fear I have of being thought of as a creepy older guy who is still getting his life together.

Start meditating. Seriously. This is what it's good for: detachment, perspective and grounding. This should help you get started.

This all feeds into a tendency for me to find it easier to not pursue girls who show interest in me, than to take that plunge, unless I definitely feel something there. My few single friends tell me to just have fun, but I don't want to waste my time. It's hard to explain, but that's all of it. Maybe i'm just too negative.

Sounds like you're letting your cynical mindset get in your way. Again, meditation helps.

 

[Brewmont]

Start meditating. Seriously. This is what it's good for: detachment, perspective and grounding. This should help you get started.


Sounds like you're letting your cynical mindset get in your way. Again, meditation helps.

Thanks, I will look into that.

 

[PflargBlarg]

I guess you guys are right. If she says no, and if we both can remain cool about that, I guess we can still remain friends (which we were anyway, so no harm done). Thanks guys. Will try to ask her, or get intimate, whichever opportunity arises first and I am comfortable with it.
Thanks guys.

The thing to remember is, if you don't take some step you're just going to be wasting your time with her since you're going to be in a state where you don't know what the actual situation is between you two.

Looks like you're going to do something, so go for it! Let us know how it goes

 

[VASPER]

I would hit her up today.
But I don't follow any of those "wait X amount of hours/days" rules. I just hit them up whenever I want. Although, I also don't blow up their phone in the process.

Holy crap what a night, She ended up posting to her FB about wanting to go dancing and i turned out to be the only one that went with her. I got the feeling she was fishing for me ask to go dancing, we danced until 11 and went back to her place and had a few drinks cuddled and talked about random shit until 2 in the fucking morning. I literally got in my car to go home and had to lite a joint I was so washed with emotions I had a hard time focusing. It was a great night!

 

[War Peaceman]

Maybe talk about an ex?

Thanks that's a good idea.

Holy crap what a night, She ended up posting to her FB about wanting to go dancing and i turned out to be the only one that went with her. I got the feeling she was fishing for me ask to go dancing, we danced until 11 and went back to her place and had a few drinks cuddled and talked about random shit until 2 in the fucking morning. I literally got in my car to go home and had to lite a joint I was so washed with emotions I had a hard time focusing. It was a great night!

Don't do drugs and drive for goodness sake.

 

[VASPER]

Thanks that's a good idea.



Don't do drugs and drive for goodness sake.

No one tells me what to do.

 

[ericexpo]

i'm starting to think my 4 month relationship is coming to a close, last night she asked if i was comfortable with how the relationship was progressing. We both agreed we were moving a little slow, but it's been a while since ether of us were in a serious relationship . She said she was worried we were building a friendship rather then a romantic relationship.
I'm worried we both are to similar and we got to comfortable to fast.

 

[Gromph]

Well I was asking for that

Is how to ask for I'm not asking you

 

[Beefeater]

i'm starting to think my 4 month relationship is coming to a close, last night she asked if i was comfortable with how the relationship was progressing. We both agreed we were moving a little slow, but it's been a while since ether of us were in a serious relationship . She said she was worried we were building a friendship rather then a romantic relationship.
I'm worried we both are to similar and we got to comfortable to fast.

Were you complacent, scared of making a move or just not attracted?

 

[Glass Rebel]

Alright, since the "friend zone" has come up several times in the last few posts I wanted to share this. Not because I think it's an exemplary case on how to handle rejection but because I used to fall into similar thought patterns years ago and some lessons that I have learned in the past might help others that find them in similar situations. A story first:

I met this girl a while ago in one of my classes. The surprising thing was that it was actually her that chatted me up. I think I'm fairly decent to good-looking and in generally good shape but I've had people tell me that their first impression of me was that I gave off grumpy or even arrogant vibes so I often have to go out of my way to make new acquaintances. So we talked a bit and for a long time nothing of note happened. I wasn't that interested in her until we met at the library and she asked me to take a short study break with her. We ended up "wasting" 2h talking about all sorts of stuff, agreed to meet again next week, started talking more in class etc. She's a generally pleasant person to have around, fun to talk to and we share similar interests. Eventually though I started developing an interest in her that went beyond friendship. Pretty much how any "friendzone" story begins. I started being more flirty, giving her compliments and getting compliments in return. Yes, she's easy on the eyes but what really sparked that tiny flame in me was her passion for drawing. It's just something I really admire in people and it even inspired me to resume working on a stand-up comedy routine I've been planning.

Anyway about three weeks after that "fateful break", I decided to take the chance and ask her out, being fairly certain of myself. She replied that she'd love to go out with me since I'm such a fun person... but only as friends. I said I was cool with that but she didn't believe me at first. I told her that I'm obviously disappointed to get a no as an answer but that I respect her decision. That I still value her friendship. She thanked me for understanding and said she was glad we could still be friends. We ended up chatting quite a bit that evening about random stuff to lighten up the mood. Both of us expected things to be awkward for a while. Saw her the next day at class and it was surprisingly easy for us to go back to before I asked her out and we already agreed on meeting at the library this Tuesday and getting shawarma next week. As friends.

So what are the lessons I talked of earlier? In no particular order:

1. Make your intentions clear very early on. I know some people like a bit of mystery and the factor of the unknown when it comes to relationships but nobody can read your mind. You don't have to spell it out for the other person but you want to give them the feeling that they are desired. Innuendo is your friend if you're too shy to take the direct route or whatever. I talked to this girl for an hour about making a movie out of my life, offering her a role etc. She jumped right in and demanded to play the female main character and that we should have a casting ASAP. We met that afternoon. You can be playful without being totally obscure, it's really just a matter of practice. Another upside to this is that it's easier to find out about the other person's intentions as well. In highschool I had developed an unhealthy infatuation with this girl I was talking to on a regular basis for months. Dumbass young me however never showed any romantic intentions and when I finally revealed that I had feelings for her she was confused as hell and the rejection hit me harder than it should have. The recent story above however took place over the span of three weeks and I'm alright. Emotional attachment can be a real bitch and you shouldn't make it harder on yourself.

2. Don't lie about sex(ual attraction). Many "friendzoned nice guys" are so terrified of talking about sex or even how attractive a woman is. Something I see fairly regularly is that they claim they aren't in it for the sex. Which is fairly ironic because a relationship without the sex is pretty close to a friendship from my point of view and they aren't satisfied with that. I know that it's hard to give compliments without sounding like a creep or a bore. Nobody is impressed by corny shit like "your eyes are beautiful like the stars in the sky" but "I'd bury my face in that tight ass of yours" isn't okay either. I think the best way to go about a compliment is first to find out what you like in a woman. For example, I'm really into women with short haircuts (shoulder length and shorter) because not everyone can pull it off and I feel it shows confidence and strength, traits that I find very sexy. So when I talk about hair it not only sounds genuine but it is. On the other hand, I have barely an opinion on eyes or fingernails so I don't talk about those things. This girl I'm into had recently gotten a new rather short haircut but was feeling a bit uncomfortable with it because her hair starts off curly but turns straight after a few inches, making it look a bit weird unless she straightens the curly part. I told her that she should try tying it back because it would help hide it and look great but she wasn't so sure. Next time we met she had her hair tied back the way I had told her to, obviously more comfortable with it. I said in a teasing manner that I liked what she had done with her hair. She had a huge smile and said: "I know, me too ". Don't think of compliments as currency to get sex though. If you don't mean it, don't fucking say it. And if you know her better, try to (carefully) push boundaries. I don't give a fuck, I openly commented on her butt the other day and she loved it. Everybody loves to feel sexy and if you can make someone feel that way in your presence, all the better.

Oh and btw: If you have female friends you aren't romantically interested in, give them compliments as well. You'll brighten up someone's day!

3. Learn how to handle rejection. Am I disappointed that things didn't go as planned with the girl I mentioned? Absolutely but I think that's only human. Nobody likes to be rejected but it's really about how we handle it. Don't get hung up over why they aren't interested in a relationship with you. Knowing won't help you a single bit and to be honest, it's just not your fucking business. I used to think that me being short ruined my chances with the girls that weren't into me. When one of them got with someone that was even shorter than me, I realized that it was just me being an whiny cunt with no confidence. Someone not being interested in you romantically doesn't mean they reject your entire person and chances are she can't even control it. One of my first thoughts when the girl in my first story said she only wanted to be friends was "how do you even know that?". Try not to linger on ugly thoughts like this. She most likely knows why and even if she doesn't, she doesn't owe you an explanation. I admit that I am a bit vain so I still have trouble with this.

4. Be honest with yourself. I personally think that the friendzone thinking ultimately boils down to dishonesty. Ask yourself, do you like the other person or do you like the idea of being in a relationship with them? The "currency for sex" metaphor applies again: Are you talking to her, making her laugh and doing her favours because you enjoy her company, love her laugh and want to make her happy or because you think that doing these things will make her like you more so she becomes emotionally and sexually attached to you? "Friendzoned nice guys" are prone to manipulative tactics like this and they can't handle it when they don't net them the results they expect. If you really value someone as a person, the friendzone shouldn't even cross your mind. It's disgusting and disrespectful. Don't try to deny your feelings though. I knew that asking out the girl from my first story would risk our friendship but that doesn't mean that I have to hide my feelings until they eventually subside. In fact, from what I've seen and experienced first hand, they only get stronger because you never got a proper answer, always thinking "what if?" in the back of your mind. To me honesty is the central pillar of any human relationship and my directness has led me to be way happier about how I interact with people. I told her that it would take me a while to not see her "that" way anymore but that I respect her and her boundaries. She said that she's happy to hear that and that I should immediately tell her if she says or does something that hurts my feelings. I mean, there isn't much she could say that would hurt me but I appreciate the thought and I think this is a pretty good way to handle things as adults as long as we both value the friendship.

This turned into a way longer post than I intended. I am not trying to sound like I know all the answers and I might come off as braggy but I tried to convey it as genuine as possible. As you can see I still struggle with some stuff. I don't know how to turn a friendship into a relationship. I often don't know how to tell whether a woman is interested in me that way. I don't know what's the best way to handle rejection. I do know however that the friendzone is a bunch of crock.

 

[PlayALLtheGames]

Goddamnit!
Just 4-5 days ago, I was sure we had something. I was so happy. Since last 10-12 days. we were spending so much time together. We cooked and had dinner at my place some 4-5 times in past 10 days, twice we kept talking till the morning, laying side by side, and then she would sleep at my place, every-time she saw me she would automatically have a smile on her face (I read somewhere that this involuntary smile is a good sign) and since we are in the same office- we see each other like 10 times a day, if we weren't getting together then she would message me every night on FB and we would end up chatting for quite some time, we would banter all the time- with our own inside jokes and all, and I would make her laugh so hard her belly would ache.
All in all, a smashing time we would have and signs that things were progressing.
But in past 2 days, while we are still spending time together, I am getting a sense that things aren't progressing. We still have good time (we spent a whole night talking just 1 day back), but I have some sneaking suspicion that she isn't romantically interested in me. She hasn't said anything, but I don't know why I feel that. Maybe because things aren't progressing. Am I getting friend-zoned? But I thought the signs were solid. In her own words, I am an 'eye-candy', have a great personality etc., and then the signs above. I dont know what's happening.

I assume by "sleep at my place" you don't mean in your bed? She very well may not have romantic feelings towards you or maybe she wants to take it slowly. I think you can normally tell but some girls aren't as open about it. If you've spent as much time together as you say, and you still can't tell if she's interested romantically, you might want to be straight forward, tell her you like her and see how she responds. At least then, you'll (likely) know for sure.

 

[Cabaratier]

Someone mentioned it in another thread but this mad men quote is spot on: "People tell you who they are, but we ignore it - because we want them to be who we want them to be."

 

[Mr.Gingerlicious]

Alright, since the "friend zone" has come up several times in the last few posts I wanted to share this. Not because I think it's an exemplary case on how to handle rejection but because I used to fall into similar thought patterns years ago and some lessons that I have learned in the past might help others that find them in similar situations.

1. Make your intentions clear very early on.

2. Don't lie about sex(ual attraction).

3. Learn how to handle rejection.

4. Be honest with yourself.

Thanks for your insight

I was a little bit confused about exactly what you were clarifying, since I thought you were going to explain a situation on where a friend relationship progressed into something more (since that would negate any "friendzone" shit). But I re-read that and I can see what you mean by getting stuff out and moving on.

Now, I have a query for you and anyone else willing to put your 2 cents in.

In this thread I have post a few posts detailing my recent relationship changes, and things that have happened relating to it.

Without going over all that again, I just wanted to gauge what others think of potential outcomes.

Long story short, after becoming single and making an effort to get to know and bond with other Females (I work with) more, one in particular sits in the grey area of my focus. She has always kept work and social very separate, but has made a lot of exceptions for myself.

Without putting my bias on the situation, her and I have a really good bond, good chemistry. If she was a guy, it would be a best mates scenario.

After she suggested we have an after work drink with some other co-workers, we ended up just chatting ourselves (the others left) and she encouraged me to talk about all the stuff that I had on my mind (break up, living alone for the first time etc etc).

Followed up with a dinner at a nice restaurant, all of which I have covered previous, she freaked out and wanted to talk after that night. She was upset and concerned that she "Gave me the wrong impression" and thought we could just do the close friend dinner dates like I do with my other friend (who is getting married and we have a totally neutral platonic thing) and she was worried about how I would react / if her giving me mixed signals would wreck what we had going. I said it was all good and that I didn't / don't have any expectations or "labels" on what we had going.

Had a follow up dinner, that she suggested, went better again (after, from what I gathered, her getting that out and just being able to relax). I too was better in not getting to needy with sharing stuff I had going.

We both talk to each other all the time out of work now, message each other, send each other funny shit etc etc and enjoy each other's company, are honest and supportive of each other, always have a laugh. I am cool with the whole situation and have other Female friends, but this one in particular feels different. Sort of like a bloody movie in the making or something. Went out to lunch today again, then a work meeting and then stayed at work for dinner until late.

I spoke to my close (guy) mate and gave him a quick run down and he said just to go with the flow unless it starts to affect my ability to move forward, see other Ladies etc (which it hasn't so far, as I went ahead with a date with another Lady that I got set up with from another friend, which also went really really well and we have a follow up planned).

Now, I know and respect that this Lady had made it clear that she didn't want to go into dating/relationship territory with anyone and that she thinks I should wait longer before doing so after my previous long term relationship.

I honestly wouldn't even mention it if it were like my other friendships, but it has that "something deeper" feel to it, and we both have mentioned it in some way.

So has anyone ever had this longer, slower / not right now, thing ever progress or retract? I am not fussed, but I would be lying if I didn't mention that it has crossed my mind.

 

[Glass Rebel]

Thanks for your insight

I was a little bit confused about exactly what you were clarifying, since I thought you were going to explain a situation on where a friend relationship progressed into something more (since that would negate any "friendzone" shit). But I re-read that and I can see what you mean by getting stuff out and moving on.

Well, as I said, I don't know how to turn a friendship into a relationship and I doubt there's "one way" or a recipe to that. There's something to be said about patience and insistence and there are women that appreciate a guy putting in some effort and not giving up after the first rejection. This is how my best female friend and her current boyfriend got together. He kept asking her out (not in a creepy or annoying way) until she gave him a chance and they've been together for four years and counting. There are other women though that find it annoying so my policy has been that I take a no as a definitive answer. Funnily enough, I had something weird happen to me in high school. I confessed to a girl but she said she only wanted to stay friends. Things got a bit rocky with her for a while but we still kept talking to each other and remained great friends. On our last day of school our entire class went to an open air cinema to watch a movie and suddenly she's putting the moves on me and I had to watch the movie with her practically lying on me. The thing is, at that point I simply wasn't into her anymore. By confessing I put the ball into her court but it simply took her too long to play. She didn't take it well at all and told me that we should probably stop seeing each other the next day.

Turning a friendship into a relationship can be a viable tactic for some. I'm simply not that guy though and if one gets the impression that they're getting "friendzoned" all the time... well, it's maybe not the right approach for them either? I don't know, maybe putting that stuff into "lessons" was presumptuous.

snip

I think your mate is right. Simply go with the flow and see how things develop without expecting anything.

Her addressing her fear of giving you the wrong impression can have many implications but your best bet is to take it at face value. It's not unusual for women to feel some sort of pressure that makes them hold back when interacting with guys they are not romantically interested in. Some don't want to hurt the guy's feelings, others don't want to deal with the drama that would ensue if he gets the wrong idea. I had to basically handhold a female friend of mine that I am merely interested in a platonic way into making dirtier jokes with me that could definitely be seen as flirting in any other context. I even turned to her for dating advice so she would get the message.

Does she know about you having dates? If yes, how did she react? If no, why haven't you told her?

 

[kittoo]

The thing to remember is, if you don't take some step you're just going to be wasting your time with her since you're going to be in a state where you don't know what the actual situation is between you two.

Looks like you're going to do something, so go for it! Let us know how it goes

I got an update alright, and a very sad one.
Before I could even get a chance of doing something and finding out, this happened. In between our random talks, she says she doesn't want to come over again and cook again as she doesn't like cooking etc.
So there is that. Indirectly she confirmed that she doesnt care much about spending time with me.
Fuck I am depressed. It's even worse when you fall from such a high. I feel like crying

 

[Beefeater]

.

Huh. Maybe she's grown impatient as well. You did the cooking together, right?

 

[kittoo]

Huh. Maybe she's grown impatient as well. You did the cooking together, right?

Yeah. And I thought she really liked it too cause it was she who initiated it a lot of times, the cooking date thingy that is