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[Glass Rebel]

I got an update alright, and a very sad one.
Before I could even get a chance of doing something and finding out, this happened. In between our random talks, she says she doesn't want to come over again and cook again as she doesn't like cooking etc.
So there is that. Indirectly she confirmed that she doesnt care much about spending time with me.
Fuck I am depressed. It's even worse when you fall from such a high. I feel like crying

Yeah. And I thought she really liked it too cause it was she who initiated it a lot of times, the cooking date thingy that is

I wouldn't get my hopes up but I wouldn't get too hung up about the cooking either. Suggest getting pizza and watching a movie at your place or something. If she doesn't want that either... well, there you have your answer.

edit: also, are you sure you guys were having dates?

 

[stn]

@kittoo

I went through your post history so I could get the history behind your situation. Each quote is laid out in chronological order, with my thoughts. Hopefully its all helpful to you. Feel free to ask me whatever, I'm always down to help.

Goddamnit!
Just 4-5 days ago, I was sure we had something. I was so happy. Since last 10-12 days. we were spending so much time together. We cooked and had dinner at my place some 4-5 times in past 10 days, twice we kept talking till the morning, laying side by side, and then she would sleep at my place, every-time she saw me she would automatically have a smile on her face (I read somewhere that this involuntary smile is a good sign) and since we are in the same office- we see each other like 10 times a day, if we weren't getting together then she would message me every night on FB and we would end up chatting for quite some time, we would banter all the time- with our own inside jokes and all, and I would make her laugh so hard her belly would ache.
All in all, a smashing time we would have and signs that things were progressing.
But in past 2 days, while we are still spending time together, I am getting a sense that things aren't progressing. We still have good time (we spent a whole night talking just 1 day back), but I have some sneaking suspicion that she isn't romantically interested in me. She hasn't said anything, but I don't know why I feel that. Maybe because things aren't progressing. Am I getting friend-zoned? But I thought the signs were solid. In her own words, I am an 'eye-candy', have a great personality etc., and then the signs above. I dont know what's happening.

My personal take on this part is that you're not assertive enough. At some point you have to make a move on your own, you have to take a risk and be bold. That means making a bold move and living with the consequences afterwards, no matter what they are. Women won't make it obvious but they like a guy who's bold and willing to be assertive. That means going after what you want and holding your head high if you fail, as opposed to being passive and waiting for some kind of 100% green light that may not exist. You friend-zoned yourself, man. Any time you're spending a night with a girl at your place, you break out the intense flirting and see if she's sexually down. I really hate to use this phrase but here goes: lots of women want someone who's "manly". This is a huge part of it.

Well...this is where it gets interesting.
The first time we spent the night together, we ended up talking about exes. The talk drifted towards sex and she asked if I had done it with my ex. I said yes, which was true. To my utter surprise, she said she has never done it with any of her 3 exes, even though she was with them for more than 1 year on average. Not only that, she made it sound as if what I had done was wrong, even though I was in an extremely serious relationship. This has made me wary of making any intimate move. I dont know what kind of relationships she makes, what are her boundaries. Its even more puzzling cause before that, I thought she was an extremely open person about these things. My general impression was that of course she would've done it. I am not making any judgements. Its just that she has scared me after that talk.

You're putting too much emphasis on what she said. How do you know she wasn't just bluffing so she wouldn't seem like she sleeps around? One girl I know whose date request I turned down was trying hard to convince me she never had sex before. Even though I saw her get picked up by a random guy when I first met her. When a person tells you something you need to stick to your guns and go through with your plan. Be certain of your own intentions and worry about the other person's stuff later.

No I dont think she is putting that much effort in her looks when she comes.

But, what about her reaction to the fact that I had done it with my ex? She reacted as if that was wrong. That has made me a little scared of trying to be intimate with her.

If you feel someone is judging you for having sex with your ex, just move on. That kind of stuff is your business and your business ONLY. If you had judged her for having sex with her ex I'd say the same thing.

Hey Granadier,

It's not that I wanna have sex right there and then. I can wait, for a long time if required, but the condition is that I must know that she is interested in me. If she likes me, but wants to wait, I don't mind.
The problem in the current set-up is, I dont know if she is interested and can't try to get intimate because I dont know how she will take it. As things stand, I am either getting friend-zoned super hard (I mean, come one! Spending nights together with no intimacy at all!) or she is interested but I can't know because her opinions on intimacy are very different.
I dont know how to solve this problem. Don't know how to get to know what she feels. Just 4-5 days ago, I was so sure that she liked me. Everything was there. Her msging me, smiling upon seeing, her bantering with me....everything! And now I dont know because of this intimacy block.
I can try and distance myself and see how she reacts. But is that a good idea? I am not a 'playing games' kinda guy and I am scared that such games might do more harm than good.

You are friend-zoning yourself with your indecisiveness. As I said above, act on your own feeling. You're spending all this energy trying to analyze if she's interested in you. That shit is irrelevant. All of this is your own doing. At some point you have to tell her "Hey, we've been spending time at my place and not having sex. What's the deal?" If she's in, great; if not, you move on. She will at least understand that you want a resolution. As I see it you're just nibbling around the issue and waiting for an absolute reason to initiate. To be honest, this is probably why she's no longer interested.

Its very possible she's been thinking to herself that "This guy is a wuss. I've been over at his place and he hasn't even made a move yet." That could be all it takes for some girl to drop you. If you like a girl, you make a move if you think she's interested or not. If she's not interested, you get rejected. Big deal. Much worse things exist in life.

Well.....to be honest...I am scared of loosing everything (I guess I am slowly falling into the classic 'friend-zoned' guy). What if after that we aren't even talking?

Losing what? All I see is you've had a chick over at your place and now you're confused as to what's going on. Want her as a friend? Don't invite her for intimacy at your place. As I said, you are friend zoning yourself.

I got an update alright, and a very sad one.
Before I could even get a chance of doing something and finding out, this happened. In between our random talks, she says she doesn't want to come over again and cook again as she doesn't like cooking etc.
So there is that. Indirectly she confirmed that she doesnt care much about spending time with me.
Fuck I am depressed. It's even worse when you fall from such a high. I feel like crying

Sorry to hear that. I hope you don't get offended by what I say next but here goes: stop the crying shit. Honestly. Believe me when I say that not many people want to commit to someone who responds to rejection by crying. The reality is that most people gravitate towards someone who's strong, confident, and can recover from such a situation without resorting to tears and depression. And, really, this situation is not worth crying over.

Men who succeed with women are the ones that are making a plan B the moment they are rejected, they don't waste even two seconds crying. Pick yourself up, man. All this stuff about depression and crying is senseless. The thing is that your response to this tells me that you may have turned her off with your indecisiveness and weak response to things. Again, I hate to say it but you need to be more "manly". And I don't mean hitting the gym and fighting with people, I just mean following your gut and standing by what you do. Own your shit, know what I mean?

Good luck!

 

[Mr.Gingerlicious]

Turning a friendship into a relationship can be a viable tactic for some. I'm simply not that guy though and if one gets the impression that they're getting "friendzoned" all the time... well, it's maybe not the right approach for them either? I don't know, maybe putting that stuff into "lessons" was presumptuous.


I think your mate is right. Simply go with the flow and see how things develop without expecting anything.

Her addressing her fear of giving you the wrong impression can have many implications but your best bet is to take it at face value. It's not unusual for women to feel some sort of pressure that makes them hold back when interacting with guys they are not romantically interested in. Some don't want to hurt the guy's feelings, others don't want to deal with the drama that would ensue if he gets the wrong idea. I had to basically handhold a female friend of mine that I am merely interested in a platonic way into making dirtier jokes with me that could definitely be seen as flirting in any other context. I even turned to her for dating advice so she would get the message.

Does she know about you having dates? If yes, how did she react? If no, why haven't you told her?

Thanks again for your perspective

I can go into more detail about a few very (in my opinion) important details of interaction between myself and this Lady (To keep with my story structure, I am calling her L). But I can't without the disclaimer that I am fully aware of;
1. Just being close friends is a possibility in any arrangement like this and I would rather have this particular person in my life in any context than not at all.
2. As the Male in my situations, I am expected to make the first moves, be the assertive one.
3. Any confusion or weird feelings I get are my problem and I can't blame anyone else for them, just practice honest vulnerability when sharing.

To answer your questions Glass Rebel;

On the second dinner we went out for, after the keeping slow and friendly talk, I mentioned that a Lady at work had a friend she thought I'd really hit it off with (but stressed, again, that I don't go into stuff with expectations). The first reaction L had was almost defensive.

She hit me with questions like "Are you wanting to rush into something?" and "Do you even want a relationship right now, after all you have been through?". To put this in context, this Lady, L, is very very laid back / non-judgmental and is petrified of conflict, so her reaction caught me off guard.

Last night I mentioned briefly that I ended up going out for dinner with this other Lady, had fun, was totally myself and relaxed. I followed with the fact that I am not sure how I feel about moving forward with anything other than just getting to know new people though. L stepped in with her 2 cents, with a "IMO probably too soon to get into anything, just saying".

The elephant(s) in the room that L and I have had, as far as her trusting me enough to share deep/serious stuff and me trying to learn to share my feelings in a honest vulnerable way are mostly out on the table now. The big one that she has smacked me in the face with, that I totally needed, was that she doesn't agree at all with all my personal improvement stuff I keep bringing up.

Without going into all the details, I confided in her as far as wanting to improve myself moving forward and out of the very testing past few months. The big ones being trying to redefine myself post relationship, as I felt that relationship was starting to define me (part of the reason it ended, mutually). L has gotten very defensive/upset about me obsessing over it and was very sincere in telling me not to change and just to relax and be myself because of *insert what ever genuine compliment*.

I always thank her (and anyone else) that says anything like that, and mention that I want exactly that, but I am going through a fairly big process.

On this situation in particular, like I said, I can go into more specific details about a heap of vibes, body language, comments, hints, relevant actions, outside observations... But I am making a conscious effort not to waste energy over-analysing, only doing some healthy reflection and honest sharing instead. If any of that stuff helps put things in context for any readers here, I can though

 

[illadelph]

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Cool-So-Girls-Notice-You

sit back and take notes

 

[Dragoon X Omega]

Dear GAF,

This is my first time posting for this topic. I met this woman on Match.com and we chatted a lot and we exchanged numbers. Texting many times and we flirted and stuff. So I asked her out yesterday and we met up. We chatted and things went great. She mention about "we should see this movie" and I agreed. She texted me last night saying "she had a great time."

So tonight, I texted her to see how she's doing. Then few minutes later, I was telling her about the movie and then she texted me this.

"Dragoon X Omega, I had fun last night and honestly could talk to you for days about anything. I just don't feel a romantic connection. You are nice, endearing, and so respectful and I want you to know it's just a spark thing. I enjoy hanging out with you and I'm sure you have enough friends but I think we would be better as friends."

I was kinda disappointed and sad because this is my 5th time hearing these kind of comment from different girls in the past.

I don't know.... It's sucks that I'm deaf (or deaf-mute, or even deaf and dumb). I felt like I'm in a bottom of a barrel because of the communication barrier.

I haven't replied back to her. To be honest, I really don't know what to do. I'm a naturally affectionate person.

I only had one serious girlfriend in my life and I'm 30 years old. I had a horrible experience with one girl recently who manipulated me and I could not forgive myself for being so dumb. Maybe it's a fear inside of me that I felt judged because of my disabilities, I could be wrong about that but I know it's some kind of "fear".

Sorry for a long post. I just wanted to express my thoughts and feelings.

 

[jadedm17]

Dear GAF,

1, Honesty? That's incredible, I've been met with radio silence from several girls after having what I thought to be awesome dates. I'd love a little more of those than just dropping communication altogether.
2. It's a numbers game, five is nothing. Learn and move on.
3. What's deaf have to do with anything? Personally I find stuff like that unique and endearing. I'm sure I'm not alone.
4. My last real girlfriend was very immature and eventually cheated on me. The hell cares? I was a damn fool but now that's the past and this is the present. Don't let fear control you: get up, dust off and keep trying.

Good luck.

 

[……forgetit]

I guess this is the right place to ask, what happened to the show off your SO thread? I was going to post a picture from me and my girlfriends latest date night.

 

[Lucian Cat]

I guess this is the right place to ask, what happened to the show off your SO thread? I was going to post a picture from me and my girlfriends latest date night.

It got deleted. They had their reasons. Just like the post pics of yourself thread. You could possibly ask a mod if we can have another one

 

[PflargBlarg]

Huh, interesting. I know every now and then there were some weird people showing up in there, but in general it was a really friendly thread.

 

[Glass Rebel]

To answer your questions Glass Rebel;

On the second dinner we went out for, after the keeping slow and friendly talk, I mentioned that a Lady at work had a friend she thought I'd really hit it off with (but stressed, again, that I don't go into stuff with expectations). The first reaction L had was almost defensive.

She hit me with questions like "Are you wanting to rush into something?" and "Do you even want a relationship right now, after all you have been through?". To put this in context, this Lady, L, is very very laid back / non-judgmental and is petrified of conflict, so her reaction caught me off guard.

Last night I mentioned briefly that I ended up going out for dinner with this other Lady, had fun, was totally myself and relaxed. I followed with the fact that I am not sure how I feel about moving forward with anything other than just getting to know new people though. L stepped in with her 2 cents, with a "IMO probably too soon to get into anything, just saying".

The elephant(s) in the room that L and I have had, as far as her trusting me enough to share deep/serious stuff and me trying to learn to share my feelings in a honest vulnerable way are mostly out on the table now. The big one that she has smacked me in the face with, that I totally needed, was that she doesn't agree at all with all my personal improvement stuff I keep bringing up.

Without going into all the details, I confided in her as far as wanting to improve myself moving forward and out of the very testing past few months. The big ones being trying to redefine myself post relationship, as I felt that relationship was starting to define me (part of the reason it ended, mutually). L has gotten very defensive/upset about me obsessing over it and was very sincere in telling me not to change and just to relax and be myself because of *insert what ever genuine compliment*.

I always thank her (and anyone else) that says anything like that, and mention that I want exactly that, but I am going through a fairly big process.

On this situation in particular, like I said, I can go into more specific details about a heap of vibes, body language, comments, hints, relevant actions, outside observations... But I am making a conscious effort not to waste energy over-analysing, only doing some healthy reflection and honest sharing instead. If any of that stuff helps put things in context for any readers here, I can though

Yeah, you don't want to start over-analyzing this stuff until she gives you a clear sign. Her behaviour seems a bit eyebrow raising but it could be genuine concern. It would be kind of fucked up of her to try to keep you off other women after telling you that she's worried about giving you the wrong impression. If you're alright with just being friends with her, I suggest you keep it that way. Anything else seems to be inviting trouble at this stage. Honestly, the thought of her being interested in you after all is kinda troubling. I personally wouldn't want to deal with that.

 

[Mully]

I recognize I have a wonderful problem, but I have a problem.

I'm seeing a great girl that I met online. An old classmate gave me her number and said she wanted to grab dinner with me. And I hooked up with an older woman Sunday morning.

They're all great in their own way. I certainly identify more with the online girl, but I've always had a thing for the classmate. The older woman is more of a fling, but she seems like she wants more out of it.

I'm going out on a date with the online girl tomorrow and I'm pretty excited. We hit it off pretty well on our first date and have chatted pretty well since then.

Do I contact all of them? I'm not the player type, but when these types of situations come up I usually pick the right person for what I want at the time, but usually regret not meeting with all of them later.

 

[Symphonia]

You're not officially seeing anyone. You have no true commitment to any one of them. You can go on as many dates with either of them while in that position without being branded a player. If and when it becomes official with one of them, though, and you take it up a notch, then it's time to cut any romantic ties with the others. If you don't, that's when you run the risk of being branded a player or a cheat.

 

[Mr.Gingerlicious]

Yeah, you don't want to start over-analyzing this stuff until she gives you a clear sign. Her behaviour seems a bit eyebrow raising but it could be genuine concern. It would be kind of fucked up of her to try to keep you off other women after telling you that she's worried about giving you the wrong impression. If you're alright with just being friends with her, I suggest you keep it that way. Anything else seems to be inviting trouble at this stage. Honestly, the thought of her being interested in you after all is kinda troubling. I personally wouldn't want to deal with that.

Thanks again for replying. I held off mentioning anything else, thought I'd let that sit for a bit.

The thing is, as of the past couple days, this thing, this tension has gone up a few notches.

I have just been playing it cool, with the occasional reminder (head clearer, I call it) in my head about what L said. But now I don't think I can just cruise through much longer without at least bringing up the boundaries thing, in someway, for clarity moving forward.

Different (Female) Perspective
Last night I had a bit of a catch up talk with my ex (I know, I know, usually bad idea, but I am fully confident that her and I and the 1%ers that it works for). Now I have absolutely no stakes or tension or anything with her, it is really easy to spill / over share with her and not fear the repercussions.

I explained this whole situation, with L and the new Lady I went out on a date with. She just said straight out, that of all the people I work with/know/hangout with, that she thought L and I had a thing (she actually spilled that she thought my FWB was L, but she isn't that kind of person).

The weight of explaining this situation to her, was that L and my ex have a few personality similarities; namely slightly awkward, passive, subtle hint-wise. After me sharing the facts, she just said "Dude, so obviously she starting to drop hints now", which I obviously replied with "Really? Because I have been trying not to focus on that path after the talk".

We both agreed, that sometime in the near future I should at least kill or entertain the idea of anything other than "just friends" for my own well being.

My thoughts/feelings on the situation
It is seriously getting to the point that I don't think I can move forward, go on other dates or spend extended alone time with out some clarity. This seriously has only occurred after spending the whole day with L on Monday, out for lunch, then the work meeting and then dinner (at work).

Glass Rebel, I can definitely see why you would say/think that, and like I said, throw in shit loads of little comments, vibes, confirmation of mutual "chemistry", a second (note worthy / relevant) opinion, and it makes me feel like I need to either crush the feelings entirely (I am completely ready for out right rejection, as it will make it real easy to move on) or know that in time things can progress.

I respect your opinion, for me, living it, this Lady is worth this fucking around if she is interested in giving something more a go. At the very worst, I'd nope the fuck out of a "relationship" to preserve a friendship with her. I have managed to do so with my ex, against all odds after all hahaha

Bottom line
The huge, even if it seems silly, thing here is it has become a right people, right place, wrong time thing between the two of us, even after I wrote the whole notion off. Deep down though, so much feels and surprisingly logical sense compatibility-wise.

If anyone else has had any experience with anything remotely like this, I would appreciate some sharing ^_^

My situation(s) the past few months have been a mix of standard shit and very unique stuff, so it helps me to share and get feedback.

 

[shintoki]

I guess I just want to list out my fear. My fear is just that she'll lose interest. I know this stems from previous relationships, but how do I get my mind off this thought? I know if it happens, it happens. But it feels like I've been condition for it to happen. Just that nagging thought on the back of my mind.

 

[Uncle0wnage]

Well, I thought I had something special with this girl, we had only been on two dates, but we were texting nonstop all of last week. She came over two nights ago and one thing led to another, and we ended up having sex. It seemed like everything was fine when I dropped her off yesterday morning. And just four hours later she texts me saying she can't be in a relationship with me, after telling me the night before she wanted to. I just don't understand it.

 

[Symphonia]

Well, I thought I had something special with this girl, we had only been on two dates, but we were texting nonstop all of last week. She came over two nights ago and one thing led to another, and we ended up having sex. It seemed like everything was fine when I dropped her off yesterday morning. And just four hours later she texts me saying she can't be in a relationship with me, after telling me the night before she wanted to. I just don't understand it.

So you had sex with her and then, out of nowhere, she say's she can't be with you? I'm just going by my own experience (I had something similar happen to me a couple of years back) but it sounds like you just got used and abused. Women are just as eager to look for sex as men are, if not more. It might not be the case with her, though. It could be that she thought she was ready for a relationship but, after the intimacy, realised she wasn't. Or, worst case scenario, you're shit in bed. I kid, of course. Personally, I'd ask her why she can't be in a relationship and if there's anything you can do to help. Reassure her you'll wait for her to be ready, if that is your intention and if you do like her that much.

 

[News Bot]

Reassure her you'll wait for her to be ready

Never do this.

 

[Reavr]

Well, I thought I had something special with this girl, we had only been on two dates, but we were texting nonstop all of last week. She came over two nights ago and one thing led to another, and we ended up having sex. It seemed like everything was fine when I dropped her off yesterday morning. And just four hours later she texts me saying she can't be in a relationship with me, after telling me the night before she wanted to. I just don't understand it.

Either she was just looking for sex, or she takes sex as a sign of a budding relationship and panicked after having it with you -- even in spite of saying she was open to one.

In most cases, the best thing to do is to let girls like that go. But, it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility that you can keep her around. I've had something very similar happen to me once before, and what I essentially told her was that I liked things just the way they were. Even if it was texting, the occasional date and occasional sex, it was more than enough to make me happy and that I wasn't on a mission to put a ring on her finger or anything (went to that ridiculous extreme to kind of make my point stand out more). Eventually, she apologized for wigging out and we just kept things the way they were before... for a little longer, anyway.

Point being, there probably isn't any long-term potential with the girl in question, but all isn't entirely lost if you choose your words wisely and say them early enough. But, people like that are going to need a lot more time to get over their confliction about relationships (or their fixation on sex) than you probably want. So as I said before, it's probably best to let her go, but if you can manage to convey a message to her along the lines of "I was perfectly fine with what we had now," you can squeeze some more time out her her. Your call, and good luck!

 

[Symphonia]

Never do this.

Maybe not in a 'OMG BBZ I WIĹL WAIT 4 U 4EVA' way, but if he likes the girl like he claims, I see no harm in him telling her she needn't feel pressured or rushed into developing feelings for him.

 

[Uncle0wnage]

I'm just going to try and move on, she honestly doesn't know what she wants, and I deserve someone who does. I'm not desperate for a relationship with just anyone. Thanks for the advice.

 

[Exploding8]

Hey GAF, here for a bit of dating advice (aren't we all). Trying to get a first date.

So there's this girl that I met a few weeks ago at a club (as in university club, not club club xD).We only met briefly; she's been participating in a volunteer organization for a while, and I had been getting a group together to help out at the same organization, so one of our club members told me to talk to her. We met again at the end of the week for volunteering, and she helped me and some of our club members get started helping, but we didn't really talk much one on one. The week after that we were the only two who went to volunteer, and we ended up talking for an hour instead of actually helping out xD. Then we worked on a little organizational project together.

I don't have a ton of actual dating experience (aka, basically none). So I'm trying to figure out simple things. I was thinking of asking her out during volunteering tomorrow, but is it too soon to ask her out? And what about timing, next week is finals and then we're all heading home for winter break, should I wait until next semester instead of trying to fit in a date before we go home? I also got her a part time job at the workshop I work at (I overheard her talking to the volunteer organizer saying she was looking for a tech job, and my boss happened to be looking for people, so I got her an interview and she's been hired for next semester. So we communicated a bit over email for that). So between that and volunteering I should get a chance to ask her out sometime next semester, if that would be less awkward. But I'd kinda like to just get it over with, I feel like I always wait too long and end up getting friend-zoned.

Also, what would be a good first date? Normally I'd say a generic movie date but she mentioned she's not the biggest fan of movies since she usually falls asleep. So then I was considering taking her to a coffee shop on campus, but that seemed a bit boring, so then I was thinking Ice Skating, but its supposed to rain... so now I'm at bowling. I was also thinking of taking her to a conservatory / arboretum near campus that decorates for Christmas and probably looks really great (It was last time I went anyway, haven't been this year). It also happens to be free for university students, so that would make it convenient. But I asked a friend of mine and she said that would be too romantic for a first date.

Thoughts /advice? :/

 

[Mr.Gingerlicious]

Hey GAF, here for a bit of dating advice (aren't we all). Trying to get a first date.

So there's this girl that I met a few weeks ago at a club (as in university club, not club club xD).We only met briefly; she's been participating in a volunteer organization for a while, and I had been getting a group together to help out at the same organization, so one of our club members told me to talk to her. We met again at the end of the week for volunteering, and she helped me and some of our club members get started helping, but we didn't really talk much one on one. The week after that we were the only two who went to volunteer, and we ended up talking for an hour instead of actually helping out xD. Then we worked on a little organizational project together.

I don't have a ton of actual dating experience (aka, basically none). So I'm trying to figure out simple things. I was thinking of asking her out during volunteering tomorrow, but is it too soon to ask her out? And what about timing, next week is finals and then we're all heading home for winter break, should I wait until next semester instead of trying to fit in a date before we go home? I also got her a part time job at the workshop I work at (I overheard her talking to the volunteer organizer saying she was looking for a tech job, and my boss happened to be looking for people, so I got her an interview and she's been hired for next semester. So we communicated a bit over email for that). So between that and volunteering I should get a chance to ask her out sometime next semester, if that would be less awkward. But I'd kinda like to just get it over with, I feel like I always wait too long and end up getting friend-zoned.

Also, what would be a good first date? Normally I'd say a generic movie date but she mentioned she's not the biggest fan of movies since she usually falls asleep. So then I was considering taking her to a coffee shop on campus, but that seemed a bit boring, so then I was thinking Ice Skating, but its supposed to rain... so now I'm at bowling. I was also thinking of taking her to a conservatory / arboretum near campus that decorates for Christmas and probably looks really great (It was last time I went anyway, haven't been this year). It also happens to be free for university students, so that would make it convenient. But I asked a friend of mine and she said that would be too romantic for a first date.

Thoughts /advice? :/

Ok, I'll throw in my 2 cents straight up.

Firstly, don't hesitate on the first date thing. As soon as she is remotely comfortable talking / being alone with you, you need to at least make some sort of attempt.

Secondly, you need to decide how comfortable you are with her just outright not being interested in anything outside of your current arrangement (volunteering, work etc). If you are, you've got nothing to lose by giving it a go.

And lastly, I have learnt this from experience, don't offer a date that will limit your ability to get to know each other or talk one-on-one. A safe bet is dinner, somewhere casual where you can talk, but not too full on (as in ultra fancy candlelight shit, obviously haha). It gives you breathing room between conversations, you always have something to talk about (food, decor, other eateries, ask her questions about her favourite food etc etc).


Good luck And don't over-think it! (Fuck I have been bad for that)

 

[Exploding8]

Ok, I'll throw in my 2 cents straight up.

Firstly, don't hesitate on the first date thing. As soon as she is remotely comfortable talking / being alone with you, you need to at least make some sort of attempt.

Secondly, you need to decide how comfortable you are with her just outright not being interested in anything outside of your current arrangement (volunteering, work etc). If you are, you've got nothing to lose by giving it a go.

And lastly, I have learnt this from experience, don't offer a date that will limit your ability to get to know each other or talk one-on-one. A safe bet is dinner, somewhere casual where you can talk, but not too full on (as in ultra fancy candlelight shit, obviously haha). It gives you breathing room between conversations, you always have something to talk about (food, decor, other eateries, ask her questions about her favourite food etc etc).


Good luck And don't over-think it! (Fuck I have been bad for that)

Its funny, I never seriously considered just asking her out to dinner. I guess I thought it's too simple or something. But the more I think about it, the better that sounds . I guess I was overthinking it.

Thanks for the advice

Edit: So I asked her if she'd want to go out to dinner sometime. I was hoping for a "yes" or a "no". Instead she smiled awkwardly and said "Maybe?... I dunno, text me?" I said I didn't have her number and she said "Yeah I just realized that" and gave it to me.

So I'll take that as a "no".

 

[Coda]

Been slumping, it's been almost a year since my last relationship. Had some little flings but no one that really interested me completely. That's my struggle haha. Also I work at a cafe where beautiful girls come in constantly. It's almost painful, because you're just like smh in a good way haha. I don't really have a way to fully interact with them because I'm working but I can sense when there is an attraction. Guess I just have to stop looking so hard.

 

[PflargBlarg]

Its funny, I never seriously considered just asking her out to dinner. I guess I thought it's too simple or something. But the more I think about it, the better that sounds . I guess I was overthinking it.

Thanks for the advice

Edit: So I asked her if she'd want to go out to dinner sometime. I was hoping for a "yes" or a "no". Instead she smiled awkwardly and said "Maybe?... I dunno, text me?" I said I didn't have her number and she said "Yeah I just realized that" and gave it to me.

So I'll take that as a "no".

Sounds like a pretty clear no to me. I guess you could give it a shot if you want.

 

[Mr.Gingerlicious]

Edit: So I asked her if she'd want to go out to dinner sometime. I was hoping for a "yes" or a "no". Instead she smiled awkwardly and said "Maybe?... I dunno, text me?" I said I didn't have her number and she said "Yeah I just realized that" and gave it to me.

So I'll take that as a "no".

Ok, so in classic thinking / over-thinking that might be the case. I am just going out on a limb here and assuming this Lady isn't a super blunt / assertive type.

My suggestion in these cases, just fucking go for it. As in, find a place and then follow up with her just to case out when she is free and then give her a clear offer. Obviously soften it in your own way, but take initiative and be somewhat assertive.

That way you show you have Balls™ and can be decisive, ultimately making it her next move. If she totally isn't interested, she'll make an excuse or politely decline or give you another non-committal answer. Which makes it easy for you to just not bother exploring that and move on.

Personally I am going to have to make a similar move very soon, but my situation is a lot more complicated, therefor I have to be a bit more cautious with my next conversation / moves.

So while you are in the initial gauging interest stage, just make it easy on yourself

 

[Mr.Gingerlicious]

I know I have been pretty demanding on here, but it has helped me sort my shit out.

Just one question of anyone.

How do (or who has) you have The Talk with someone about where both of you are at, feelings / where to from here with someone who; a) Hates conflict/confrontation, b) Is very laid back / passive, and c) Has hinted at mutual strong feelings.

Caveat: We both want to and are comfortable being close friends, and we both have come out of relationships recently that may have us both at the "need more time". But I personally, feel like I have the set the boundaries now, because this nervous "butterflies" stuff is starting to affect me in a big way. In stark contract to this Lady, I; a) Never feel awkward, b) Am pretty blunt, c) Can be quite assertive / commanding.

EDIT: Scratch that shit, just fucking did my thing, being myself and cleared shit up. Got an answer, not the best one, but got one. Now to move onto the Lady who is actually interested in me, that way, and stop worrying about shit.

 

[Lender]

My first entry sadly is not a happy tale, on the contrary. It makes me feel furious and helpless at the same time and I just need to vent because it's actually physically annoying the crap out of me.

So here goes.

It all involves a girl obviously. She started working with us about a year ago, while being pregnant with her first baby. At that time she was still together with her boyfriend with who she was together for a couple of years. I didn't really know her that well in the beginning, and it's only since the last couple of months I've really gotten to know her better. Normally she wouldn't really be the kind of girl I would like, but for some reason I have fallen for her. This all wouldn't be a problem, except her personal life isn't what you would call optimal, to put it mildly.

I don't know when it happened, but somewhere in the last couple of months she and her boyfriend split up, while living together in the house they've bought earlier. And now comes the stuff that makes me want to go and beat up her stupid cunt of an ex boyfriend. I'll start of with the lighter stuff. She doesn't get to do anything. He's always bitching when she wants to go out that she's not allowed to, while he gets to do whatever he wants. She wants to sell the house so she can move on with her life, while he's being a stubborn jackass and refusing to collaborate since, as she says it, 'still loves her and doesn't want to lose her'.

Now comes the absolute lowest of the low. I have 2 confirmed cases of him using violence on her. She told me herself, and she even showed me photo's of it. The first incident that I know happened a while ago. They got into an argument, and he hit her in the face causing her lips to bleed. The second incident happend saturday night. We went to a Christmas event here in a local town with a couple of friend and colleagues. We had a good time, until he once again started texting her about where the hell she was and when she's coming home. Eventually at around 1AM he called her, and one of our female friends picked up and saying some stuff on the phone. Nothing serious, just the kind of stuff you can expect at 1am after a couple of drinks.

Then he got seriously pissed. Call after call, and the text messages he would send her were just terrifying. He was calling her a whore, slut, bad mother for her child,... they were one of the most vile things I have ever read, especially when you know he's saying it to the mother of his child and even though they're not together anymore, those things are despicable. I knew he already hit her before this, so I became anxious for her when she had to go home. She dropped me off at my car when we went home, and told her to text me the minute she got home, and to say everything is alright because I didn't trust that cunt for a minute.

She got home okay, but it wasn't until the following morning I learned what happened when she told me. She got home, and the ex had closed all the doors, so she couldn't get in and had to wait inside for a while in the freezing cold. Eventually she got in, and inside once again a fight started. First he grabbed her hard by the wrist (Saw the bruises for myself), and after that he fist punched her hard in her stomach. Luckily she didn't just let it happen and managed to swing in a punch as well causing his nose to start bleeding.

I got furious when she told me this. I really wanted to get out, take my car, drive over there and just beat the living shit out of him. I also asked her if him using violence on her was something that occurred regularly, at which she replied that it does happen multiple times. The problem is that she says she doesn't want me to and kick his ass because it'll only make things worse, which I kinda understand, but I still hate the feeling that this jackass is abusing this girl and I can't do anything about it. I already told her to go to the doctor with her wounds, make an official report and go to the police, but she doesn't want to do that since he's still the father of her child.

I did say one thing and I meant it. The next time I see bruises on her, or any kind of indication that this cunt touched her again, I'm going over there and beat him down. I don't know if it's the smartest thing to do, but I'll probably won't be able to contain myself.

So yeah, that's basically the situation at this time and I have no idea how to really deal with this since I've never been in a situation like this. The only thing I know is that I really like this girl and it breaks my heart that this jackass is abusing her and making her life so damn hard. I've had people telling me I should just bail out, but that's not in my nature. I can't just turn my back on this while he's abusing her.

TLDR:

Girl I like is being physically abused by her ex and I can't do anything about it since she won't let me.

 

[Granadier]

Girl I like is being physically abused by her ex and I can't do anything about it since she won't let me.

You're dealing with a woman suffering from battered person syndrome it sounds like.

Do not get involved physically to attempt a white knight rescue of her. Call the authorities and report a domestic abuse incident.

 

[stn]

@Rubmifer

This isn't the type of advice I'm used to giving but I'll give my opinion anyway. The best thing for you to do is simply report the incident with an authority and leave it be. Do not become physically involved. I've read enough stories where a guy would help a girl who's being abused, only to suffer consequences for it.

The next point is that you like this girl. Enough to want to date her and have sex, right? All I'm going to say is you should put aside those thoughts, if they exist, immediately. Not only is she in a really ugly situation but you do not want to be the guy involved with her once the dust settles down. Who knows what kind of issues might exist after physical abuse.

 

[PflargBlarg]

My first entry sadly is not a happy tale, on the contrary. It makes me feel furious and helpless at the same time and I just need to vent because it's actually physically annoying the crap out of me.
.....

No, I've heard how this plays out dozens of times and experienced it myself as well. If she won't report it to the police, you can do it for her, but (even though it may sound strange to you) she will almost certainly deny everything if the police come to question her.

If you try to physically take care of it yourself it's not going to go well either. He'll either attack back by himself or bring the police into the mix. He would obviously have a case against you and she is pretty much guaranteed to take his side. In the strongest terms possible, do not attack him.

She is psychologically damaged and I would not feel comfortable or qualified to tell you how to properly help her. A lot of the time there just really is nothing you can do until she realizes the problems herself.

 

[NeOak]

.

.

,

I'm going to back these statements. She stays there because she wants to. Otherwise, she would have reported it already.

And she has options. If the guy is abusing her, she can get custody and the state can order the guy to pay child support, etc etc.

 

[Reavr]

Story

Don't take matters into your own hands like that. If anything, alert the authorities about this stuff and refrain from getting into any altercations. Not because this guy doesn't deserve his ass kicked, but because that girl doesn't need to deal with seeing any more acts of violence when she's already experienced enough of it first-hand.

Try to put your anger aside and understand that the best thing to do for her sake is to show her that violence doesn't have to be the solution in any scenario. If she likes you, it's not because she was looking for a bodyguard trying to take the law into his own hands. It's because you are different than the man she used to be with, and in a good way.

That might seem like a weird perspective to consider, but consider it.

 

[Einbroch]

This might be slightly off-topic, but I have a problem and I could use some people's advice that aren't actually personally invested.

I have an old college buddy, Steven. Steven started dating Caroline a few months after getting to college. She was a bit annoying, but being the friend, I supported him. Everything actually went pretty smooth for a while, but then she really started paying attention to me a lot more than him. Would climb in my bed, stroke my leg, and such while giving me come-on looks. I, of course, shoved her away. This was when I started to worry. I didn't say anything because nothing happened, and nothing was going to happen, but I was worried for him. She did this for a while, maybe once or twice a month. I refused every time. I then threatened to tell Steven about what she was doing if she didn't stop. She stopped.

A year into their relationship, she cheated on him after a pretty bad fight. She told him she did it and was crying her eyes out. He was down in the dumps and didn't know what to do. I told him about how she kept trying to get me to mess around with her and that he should dump her, that she likely wasn't going to stop. He didn't. I begged him. He's a good dude and could do better. He refused. He actually ended up proposing to her a few months later. They moved into a house together, and got married a year or so ago. I went to the wedding, supported him because he was genuinely happy, or so it seemed.

Now, a few months later, things get bad. She constantly berates him. Calls him useless, says he has a tiny dick, demands that he do all the household duties even though he works 40 hours a week and she doesn't. I stood up for him once, and she shoved me into the wall. I wanted to shove her back, but I didn't want to be aggressive, so I left. This goes on for months and months. Eventually, he stops putting up with it and tells her she needs to do something instead of being such a mooch. She throws a hissy fit, but eventually gives in to vacuuming twice a week. Literally, that's it. Because she has to vacuum twice a week, she says he doesn't appreciate her just being there, and they separate. This was about a month ago.

She moves in with a "gay dude". They still talk sometimes, but it's rare. I keep telling him to get a divorce. They have a prenup, it would be very clean and simple. He wants to continue. I can tell I'm upsetting him, so I back off. Now, just last night, her sister comes over. She's great, everyone loves her. We're friends, so this whole separation is difficult for her. I'm over to play some videogames with him, and she starts crying and tells us that Caroline's roommate isn't gay and that they've been having an affair for months. We get all the details, thank her, promise we won't mention her coming over, and she leaves.

I beg him. I seriously got on my knees and begged him to leave her. He got angry with me. I got angry with him. He says I'm jealous. We fight, and I leave. I explained to him why he needs to end the relationship, but he won't. He keeps saying there's a chance, when all this is doing is beating himself up.

TLDR: Cheating wife cheats on husband multiple times, and he won't leave her.

What do I say, GAF? What can I do? It's very upsetting seeing him like this. Is there even anything I can do?

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

This might be slightly off-topic, but I have a problem and I could use some people's advice that aren't actually personally invested.

I have an old college buddy, Steven. Steven started dating Caroline a few months after getting to college. She was a bit annoying, but being the friend, I supported him. Everything actually went pretty smooth for a while, but then she really started paying attention to me a lot more than him. Would climb in my bed, stroke my leg, and such while giving me come-on looks. I, of course, shoved her away. This was when I started to worry. I didn't say anything because nothing happened, and nothing was going to happen, but I was worried for him. She did this for a while, maybe once or twice a month. I refused every time. I then threatened to tell Steven about what she was doing if she didn't stop. She stopped.

A year into their relationship, she cheated on him after a pretty bad fight. She told him she did it and was crying her eyes out. He was down in the dumps and didn't know what to do. I told him about how she kept trying to get me to mess around with her and that he should dump her, that she likely wasn't going to stop. He didn't. I begged him. He's a good dude and could do better. He refused. He actually ended up proposing to her a few months later. They moved into a house together, and got married a year or so ago. I went to the wedding, supported him because he was genuinely happy, or so it seemed.

Now, a few months later, things get bad. She constantly berates him. Calls him useless, says he has a tiny dick, demands that he do all the household duties even though he works 40 hours a week and she doesn't. I stood up for him once, and she shoved me into the wall. I wanted to shove her back, but I didn't want to be aggressive, so I left. This goes on for months and months. Eventually, he stops putting up with it and tells her she needs to do something instead of being such a mooch. She throws a hissy fit, but eventually gives in to vacuuming twice a week. Literally, that's it. Because she has to vacuum twice a week, she says he doesn't appreciate her just being there, and they separate. This was about a month ago.

She moves in with a "gay dude". They still talk sometimes, but it's rare. I keep telling him to get a divorce. They have a prenup, it would be very clean and simple. He wants to continue. I can tell I'm upsetting him, so I back off. Now, just last night, her sister comes over. She's great, everyone loves her. We're friends, so this whole separation is difficult for her. I'm over to play some videogames with him, and she starts crying and tells us that Caroline's roommate isn't gay and that they've been having an affair for months. We get all the details, thank her, promise we won't mention her coming over, and she leaves.

I beg him. I seriously got on my knees and begged him to leave her. He got angry with me. I got angry with him. He says I'm jealous. We fight, and I leave. I explained to him why he needs to end the relationship, but he won't. He keeps saying there's a chance, when all this is doing is beating himself up.

TLDR: Cheating wife cheats on husband multiple times, and he won't leave her.

What do I say, GAF? What can I do? It's very upsetting seeing him like this. Is there even anything I can do?

No, stop telling him and remove yourself from the situation. You've explained your side multiple times, it's in his hands. If he wants to leave he will, if not, he won't. You begging isn't going to chance his mind. Don't talk to him about it and if he brings it up, tell him you don't want to hear about that.

 

[Einbroch]

Probably good advice. I just don't want him to think I don't care, and him being down in the dumps all the time is depressing. I might just let him figure it out on his own and let him reach out to me.

 

[Reavr]

Probably good advice. I just don't want him to think I don't care, and him being down in the dumps all the time is depressing. I might just let him figure it out on his own and let him reach out to me.

Considering how hard you've tried, that's really the only thing you can do at this point. He needs to connect the dots himself now. You've done your part.

 

[NipplesAndToes23]

I know this is a dating thread, but any advice if you just want to know someone in the biblical sense?

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

Considering how hard you've tried, that's really the only thing you can do at this point. He needs to connect the dots himself now. You've done your part.

Pretty much. It's like dating, you can say your peace but you can't force people to do shit they don't want to. Also, begging isn't going to change his mind and just make you look a fool. He might be OK since you let him vent to you, tell him you don't want to hear about it again if he's adamant and be done with it. You can hope he will eventually wise up but that's it.

 

[beat]

Considering how hard you've tried, that's really the only thing you can do at this point. He needs to connect the dots himself now. You've done your part.

I agree, but one last ditch thing Einbroch could try would be at some future point, to bring up his friend's story to his friend, but presenting it as someone else's problem and scrubbing/changing enough minor details so his friend doesn't immediately get that Einbroch is talking about him. It's easier to see what's wrong with someone else's life than your own.

But that's just a theory, I don't really know that this actually would work out well or if it'll just seem like a massive dick move.

 

[Prime crotch]

So, I hooked up with my ex. We've been talking and it seems now that it's different, less physical and more emotional? Or we could be fooling ourselves, either way, we'll see.

 

[PflargBlarg]

Probably good advice. I just don't want him to think I don't care, and him being down in the dumps all the time is depressing. I might just let him figure it out on his own and let him reach out to me.

I have a little bit of advice. If he ever mentions her again in any sort of complaining way (or hell, maybe if it's not even complaining), shut it down right away. Say something like "You know my opinion of her and I would prefer not to discuss her at all as it upsets me to hear about her."

He'll eventually get the idea and there's a slight chance it will make a difference.

 

[Prime crotch]

Okay, so, apparently when my ex, un-ex, I dunno where we stand honestly, said she wanted something less physical she meant not giving me any. But, still date.

 

[Symphonia]

Okay, so, apparently when my ex, un-ex, I dunno where we stand honestly, said she wanted something less physical she meant not giving me any. But, still date.

Is it an open relationship scenario?

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

Okay, so, apparently when my ex, un-ex, I dunno where we stand honestly, said she wanted something less physical she meant not giving me any. But, still date.

Why are you with her again? It just sounds like a crappy situation for you from your couple of posts.

 

[DarkChronic]

Anyone ever date someone who never texts/initiates things first?

Things seem to be going well with this girl I'm dating. Been about a month. I get worried because she hardly ever texts firsts or initiates a date. But when I do text first, she answers, and when I do ask her out on dates, she says yes. I've been Brad Pitt ruling it too, where she'll say, "I can't that night, but how about this night?" So I have to assume she is interested and making the time.

Something I need to worry about yet?

 

[News Bot]

Anyone ever date someone who never texts/initiates things first?

Things seem to be going well with this girl I'm dating. Been about a month. I get worried because she hardly ever texts firsts or initiates a date. But when I do text first, she answers, and when I do ask her out on dates, she says yes. I've been Brad Pitt ruling it too, where she'll say, "I can't that night, but how about this night?" So I have to assume she is interested and making the time.

Something I need to worry about yet?

May just be that she thinks the guy must make the first move. I've heard it from plenty of women.

 

[PlayALLtheGames]

Anyone ever date someone who never texts/initiates things first?

Things seem to be going well with this girl I'm dating. Been about a month. I get worried because she hardly ever texts firsts or initiates a date. But when I do text first, she answers, and when I do ask her out on dates, she says yes. I've been Brad Pitt ruling it too, where she'll say, "I can't that night, but how about this night?" So I have to assume she is interested and making the time.

Something I need to worry about yet?

No, I wouldn't worry, but I also wouldn't always be the first to text. Next time wait for her to do it. I mean, seriously, if someone can't be compelled to spend 5 seconds writing a few words to you and you're supposedly dating, then it seems she doesn't really care and, in that case, neither should you.

 

[Prime crotch]

Is it an open relationship scenario?

noooooooooooope. she's basically putting me to test, to see if it's all just about fuckin this time around or not

Why are you with her again? It just sounds like a crappy situation for you from your couple of posts.

I liked talking with her, and we weren't mad at each other so we kept talking once in a while. Since there's always been mutal attraction, eventually we hooked up again past a couple of months. The thing is, I wanted to keep things at a more uncommited level and she didn't; that's what basically lead to the break-up.
Problem is, I am horny as a dog on heat.

 

[Symphonia]

noooooooooooope. she's basically putting me to test, to see if it's all just about fuckin this time around or not.

Fuck that shit.

A man has needs.