Hey, first of all, congratulations on taking the first step towards a better education. You have more initiative than most people do. And I think that includes your father. You're awesome and nothing about you is reflected in his statements. He's human just like everyone else, and maybe something inside of him could use this thread as well. It sucks that we hurt the people closest to us without knowing it. But take it in stride. Go prove him wrong and make him proud. And maybe talk more, man to man in the future. He could need it to.
Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
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Guess I should vent too.
As of tomorrow, I'll be officially without a home. My anxiety and depression have crippled me financially and spiritually. I have deleting motivation to keep on.
I've hated myself for so long, I've lost track. I was a victim of something terrible for many years of my life. And I think I've let it get to me. I've been sick in victim mode forever. I'm afraid to get on FB incase I see my attacker. I am afraid of my family.
I can't maintain a regular job. I burned all but one bridge in my life.
I lost my father and I can't help but think I've so let him and everyone else in my life down. Some days I have goals and motivation, but it quickly fades back into a numbing "it doesn't exist" depression.
I want to roll up my slevees and sell like my father used to, and make a living off of it. Guess that's the next lie I'm telling myself. Like I can do it. I've failed at everything up to this point. Bar none. Some days I think I have talent or smarts to change my life. It's just that reality disagrees. One day soon I might just give in and accept it. Get a job at whatever call center will take me back and just breathe tI'll I die.
But...
I dunno. I just wish life turned around. Maybe my first step is to stop being ashamed I exist. I just don't know how to do that.
Whew. That was intense. I'm sorry if that was too Melo or whatever. I do believe it'll be ok, deep down. It's just I feel more and more lost every year.
I hope this time things get better.
As of tomorrow, I'll be officially without a home. My anxiety and depression have crippled me financially and spiritually. I have deleting motivation to keep on.
I've hated myself for so long, I've lost track. I was a victim of something terrible for many years of my life. And I think I've let it get to me. I've been sick in victim mode forever. I'm afraid to get on FB incase I see my attacker. I am afraid of my family.
I can't maintain a regular job. I burned all but one bridge in my life.
I lost my father and I can't help but think I've so let him and everyone else in my life down. Some days I have goals and motivation, but it quickly fades back into a numbing "it doesn't exist" depression.
I want to roll up my slevees and sell like my father used to, and make a living off of it. Guess that's the next lie I'm telling myself. Like I can do it. I've failed at everything up to this point. Bar none. Some days I think I have talent or smarts to change my life. It's just that reality disagrees. One day soon I might just give in and accept it. Get a job at whatever call center will take me back and just breathe tI'll I die.
But...
I dunno. I just wish life turned around. Maybe my first step is to stop being ashamed I exist. I just don't know how to do that.
Whew. That was intense. I'm sorry if that was too Melo or whatever. I do believe it'll be ok, deep down. It's just I feel more and more lost every year.
I hope this time things get better.
Here's the latest update on my end of things..
CLIFF NOTES:
Laid off 3 years ago. Been working 2 part time jobs in the meantime to make ends meet as I can't find someone to hire me full time. Managed to save house from being foreclosed on. Ended up getting help from the local food bank. Was going to be divorced but worked things out in the end.
So, about a week ago, I found out I was let go from one of my part time jobs only because I contacted them to see why I wasn't listed on the schedule anymore. Honestly, I feel it was in retaliation for seeking full time employment. Catch-22.
On the plus side of things, my father in law has contracted me to work at his job once a month doing IT work. It builds my resume and eventually he'd like to hire me on full time once the current guy retires (which he plans on doing as soon as his daughter gets a job). The job pays more in a single day than my other PT job does in 2 weeks.
It's been incredibly difficult accepting help. It was tough the first time I went to the food bank. I made the mistake of telling my daughter's teacher that sometimes she doesn't get to eat breakfast and now the school counselor has been bending over backwards to help us. They bought us Thanksgiving dinner and she was selected to receive free Christmas gifts recently.
I know it sounds like complaining, but while some good has happened, I just wish the job thing would happen already. It's so demoralizing to want to work but not being given the chance to do so.
On a side note, my mother in law is getting back together with her husband who threatened to kill her and commit suicide, etc. I don't feel comfortable with my daughter spending time over there anymore, and thankfully my wife agrees. Still, that's more drama I really don't need.
I just hope the new year brings some much needed change. Thanks for letting me vent.
CLIFF NOTES:
Laid off 3 years ago. Been working 2 part time jobs in the meantime to make ends meet as I can't find someone to hire me full time. Managed to save house from being foreclosed on. Ended up getting help from the local food bank. Was going to be divorced but worked things out in the end.
So, about a week ago, I found out I was let go from one of my part time jobs only because I contacted them to see why I wasn't listed on the schedule anymore. Honestly, I feel it was in retaliation for seeking full time employment. Catch-22.
On the plus side of things, my father in law has contracted me to work at his job once a month doing IT work. It builds my resume and eventually he'd like to hire me on full time once the current guy retires (which he plans on doing as soon as his daughter gets a job). The job pays more in a single day than my other PT job does in 2 weeks.
It's been incredibly difficult accepting help. It was tough the first time I went to the food bank. I made the mistake of telling my daughter's teacher that sometimes she doesn't get to eat breakfast and now the school counselor has been bending over backwards to help us. They bought us Thanksgiving dinner and she was selected to receive free Christmas gifts recently.
I know it sounds like complaining, but while some good has happened, I just wish the job thing would happen already. It's so demoralizing to want to work but not being given the chance to do so.
On a side note, my mother in law is getting back together with her husband who threatened to kill her and commit suicide, etc. I don't feel comfortable with my daughter spending time over there anymore, and thankfully my wife agrees. Still, that's more drama I really don't need.
I just hope the new year brings some much needed change. Thanks for letting me vent.
Thinking I might need a new therapist. My current one just gives me the most boiler plate advice and spends most of the sessions talking about finding work. Which is important, but I have my vocational stuff handled. It's the rest of my life that feels like it's going no where/falling apart.
User 479360
Banned
Thanks, but said family member is here often. I just rarely take them out to stores or anywhere else in their wheelchair.
I've done it a few times, but those clips (I don't know what to call them, but they're metal brackets that slide into holes in the floor and tighten, then the straps are attached to them) will never come out for me. I turn them and sometimes get away with it, but the power chair is too big for that.
Is there a way to get disability money from Ulcerative Colitis or Depression? I need to make 5000$ fast or else I am fucked. I am a part time student this semester and full-time next semester but just because I was part-time this semester they cut of 6000$ UTAPS grant and now I have no money to pay for tuition. Fuck this shitty life.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
Can depression cause both additional and reduced sleep? I seem to jump between both. Some weeks I sleep between 9-10 hours a day and others I keep having trouble sleeping or don't at all.
Most definitely. Effects people differently. Can cause weight loss or gain, depending on the person too. Not that it couldn't also be something else, like maybe your sleep hygiene and schedule contributing too.
Polydeuces
Member
Last final on monday. Finished my second one on thursday hoping to start studying on friday but I ended up not going to a gathering at a buffet because I didnt want to eat crappy food but in the end I just played video games, watched films and had a breakdown. During the beginning of the breakdown I went to my usual spot which was a bench near the waters and just stared at the ocean. Completely quiet and calm. I managed to get myself to at least study for the final exam and then figure out why my the sides of my head still hurts. (stress related most likely)
I have lack of self control. Even blocking websites didnt help. Browsing through reddit and facebook and maybe sometimes here I spend time there and not studying.
Pretty sure I failed my 2nd exam. Hoping I pass the first one. The majority of my class felt like the failed too. I dont even know if I want to repeat that class again. I dont start things early, I dont ask questions because im afraid, and i lack self control to avoid distractions.
Ranting isnt going to help but at least I admit my faults.
SAWAP as always.
I have lack of self control. Even blocking websites didnt help. Browsing through reddit and facebook and maybe sometimes here I spend time there and not studying.
Pretty sure I failed my 2nd exam. Hoping I pass the first one. The majority of my class felt like the failed too. I dont even know if I want to repeat that class again. I dont start things early, I dont ask questions because im afraid, and i lack self control to avoid distractions.
Ranting isnt going to help but at least I admit my faults.
SAWAP as always.
I truly appreciate all the comments, and you taking the time write this out. Sometimes I forget to let people I know I get their messages. And I feel really bad about that. To be clear, I read every single message I get (sometimes people hit me up on Twitter), and I am forever grateful for what you guys say.
I've always been an analytical person. Meaning, I take what people say to me. And I really think about it. So even though I didn't reply right away to you, it's been something I've thought about over and over. So it was greatly appreciated. More then you could ever know.
Someone suggested I find a Cancer Survivors Group locally. And so I'm looking at finding one. Because clearly I'm suffering PTSD from everything I've been through. It's strange because, you would think the battle was the cancer itself. Just hanging on. Just doing whatever it took to survive. But then you realize for some people, the battle just begins (or continues) after the cancer. Because you now have to deal with what has happened to you.
I think, it's hard. Because you see a lot of Cancer victims come out of it strong. They don't let the cancer weight them down anymore. And they are just happy they won. That they are still going. So you wonder why, you aren't like that. What's wrong with you, that you can't move on. That you are allowing cancer to still haunt you, and beat you down. I think my case might have been special, because it involved the issues of my family. It involved my family abandoning me. It involved my cousin's death. It was a terrible experience. Because I was just fighting this thing alone.
I am, getting help with therapy. And it's definitely helping. I just have this issue with this person that is very complicated. I feel so bad about it. But this person helped me get through my cancer. I wouldn't be here today without this person. They gave me motivation to live. They inspired me. And they make me so happy. I've never felt such happiness before. But at the same time, I feel like, me losing this person was inevitable. Because no matter what I do, I can't seem to get on the same page as this person. It feels like such a huge mistake. Because I really believed it was something special. I still do. But I can't make this person see that. I can only try my hardest. And do everything I can. But I can't make them do anything.
So like my cancer, it feels like I have to just let go. I'm having such a hard time doing it. Because this person was so pivotal to me surviving. Because they mean so much to me. It's this super complicated thing. And not having them in my life anymore, puts a huge hole in my heart. And makes me feel so alone. Makes me sometimes feel like, I still have my cancer. At the same time, I don't think that's fair to them. I feel guilt. Like, I wish I had never met them. Because then they would have been better off not having to have met me. Not having to have this put on them. You know?
It's all a mess.
I'm not as bad as I was when I made my last post. I'm not having a melt down. I'm stabilized. I guess I'm more numb then anything. Just doing what I can to get by. I have no idea what will happen moving forward. I don't want to go forward without this person. But it feels like life is just making it that way. And I guess I just have to accept their choices.
I just feel like, I'll never find that happiness again. I can move on. I can find happiness. I can be with other people. I can find new friends. I can do all of that. But it won't be that specific happiness. And I feel forever sad about this. I feel it's a huge mistake. I feel so much regret. But what can I do? I can't do anything. I've done everything I can.
Sorry for ranting.
Basically, I'm so appreciative of all the support GAF has given me. You guys don't know how much it means to me. You guys are basically my family. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for you. When my family abandoned me, you guys stepped up and gave me light. Gave me, hope. Gave me laughter and just...the will to keep fighting. And even after the cancer, I'm still getting support.
I think I can move forward now. On my own two feet. But I'll still be crying. I'll still feel so sad that I'm losing things in my life I can't ever get back. But maybe that's just life. I don't want to accept that. Especially when, it didn't have to be that way. That we could have made choices to prevent it. But I can't make choices for others. So maybe I just have to accept that.
Eh, it only happened one or two times so far. It's more the drinking and alcohol consumption that's a worry. Other people have noticed it, too, and have mentioned it in passing. It's becoming an addiction, as is taking Zopiclone.
Awareness is the first step to changing any habit. Self-control is something that can absolutely be developed at any point in life.
I had issues with self-control and motivation my junior year of college (four years ago)...unable to get any work done because I was smoking weed, playing video games and browsing the internet. Edited a final film project the same morning it was due. Turned it in incomplete two hours late. I tried all sorts of methods of limiting this that or the other, only allowing myself to game or smoke on weekends, et cetera. Nothing worked.
What took much more time but did work was slowly figuring out what it was I was avoiding. Why was my life so unpleasant that I was wanting to escape from it constantly? As long as life was misery I'd find something to lean on as an escape. Not that my life is a beach now (it's not), but it's become tolerable enough that I've spent the last year and a half 99% sober. I'm back in school now and I managed to write all of my essays this semester at least a few days early.
It's a mix of things becoming more tolerable and becoming better at tolerating things. Didn't come easy, it's been four years of therapy + meditation + medication and other mechanisms like logging my feelings and trying to be more honest with myself.
Sorry for the scattered response. Bad cold today means foggy mind. SAWAP.
I was diagnosed as BPII for a while but it turns out my hypomanic episodes were all induced by medication so the diagnosis didn't stick.
One of the big struggles with Bipolar disorder is how addicting the highs are - I've never felt as confident, creative and energetic as I did during my hypomanic episodes. Still, I recognize that this came with the price of being aggressive, restless, spending too much money, et cetera.
There's no way to live in a permanent hypomanic state. It's too taxing on the body. I know you said the middle-ground feels bland but if you start spending some more time there you'll find there are ways to grow your middle ground, make it more enjoyable, and learn about & incorporate some things you enjoyed from your hypomanic state. I used to think there was no WAY I'd ever be creative again if I couldn't have my highs. Instead, you just have to relearn your thought processes, find a new path through your psyche. I'm still not as outgoing as I was when I was hypomanic but I'm getting ever closer, learning a more sustainable and reliable emotional path there.
And none of this speaks to the awful lows you must've gone through to balance out those highs. Depressive episodes are rough.
Are you seeing a doctor of any sort?
Is the GI distress perhaps caused by anxiety?
BigEvilTurtle
Banned
I'd like to say that I'm so happy you responded to my post. Seriously, I was afraid no one understood what I was going through.
I sometimes wonder if my medication induced my hypomanic episode but it came several months after cutting off the medication cold turkey, so I don't think it was that. And I've experienced hypomania a few times before without being on any medication. The medication mostly brought me to a middle ground, relieving my anxiety and taking away the depressive feelings, which was nice... but nothing compared to hypomania.
Boy do I wish I could LIVE in a hypomanic state. It's just as you said it. I feel like superman, but it does take a toll on my body, physically. Colors seem more colorful. I can do anything. I'm creative, social, focused, goal-oriented. EVERYTHING is accelerated. Best of all I'm constantly happy and have absolutely NO anxiety. None. Anxiety is probably the most aggressive and inhibiting symptom of my depressed states. I guess it's unrealistic to expect to be in a hypomanic state all the time though, right? It's addicting... It felt like I was on some drug all the time. I get to experience that maybe 3-4 months out of a year, and it's been like that for years (unless I'm on medication, but my "regimen" was always so sporadic that it's hard to really narrow down time spans).
My depressed episodes are rough but it wavers. Lasts what seems like 6-8 months. Some days I'm just a little blue and anxious; it's manageable. But other days are debilitating. Just absolute darkness and extremely painful anxiety. I can't make plans or obligations when I'm like this because my ability to do anything is so mood-dependent. I'm terrified of losing friends because of this; the unreliability. But I try to keep them informed and the good friends tend to be understanding.
I'm not seeing a doctor, but I recently saw what I believe was an intake counselor (god knows I'm just going through the motions nowadays) who set me up with an appointment for a therapist who will then, depending on how things go, schedule me with an actual psychiatrist. The wait sucks and I'm not even sure what to tell the therapist because I'm not actually diagnosed with type II; I don't want to inadvertently morph my responses into something that would lead the therapist to believe I have it, you know? I'm just gonna tell them how I feel now, how I've felt before, and how I'd like to feel and see where it goes... I just don't want to be on medication that makes me feel like a zombie. That's not how it's supposed to be, right?
User 479360
Banned
That's my experience
Sometimes all I do is sleep, and I sleep for 15 hours a day. Then, there are other times where I can't sleep and feel like a minor insomniac.
Lionheart1827
Member
As a fellow cancer destroyer, I got your back bro/brodette
What a miserable day. I just want to cry.
For the 3rd year in a row I've gotten a shit year end review at work. I won't go into specifics, but I don't really think I deserved it and from what I can tell, most everyone is getting a poor review including my manager as our whole division didn't meet any of its targets.
And I got a whole speech about how he's (my manager) worried about the whole team, and if we have a poor 1st quarter we might be gone, he could be gone etc....and of course, since I've had 3 poor reviews in a row it makes me even more vulnerable. He also questioned if I wanted to do the job/was right for it (which is funny since I was doing A-OK with it until the depression hit). Essentially I was told I had to make a decision: commit 100% or look elsewhere.
For the 3rd year in a row I've gotten a shit year end review at work. I won't go into specifics, but I don't really think I deserved it and from what I can tell, most everyone is getting a poor review including my manager as our whole division didn't meet any of its targets.
And I got a whole speech about how he's (my manager) worried about the whole team, and if we have a poor 1st quarter we might be gone, he could be gone etc....and of course, since I've had 3 poor reviews in a row it makes me even more vulnerable. He also questioned if I wanted to do the job/was right for it (which is funny since I was doing A-OK with it until the depression hit). Essentially I was told I had to make a decision: commit 100% or look elsewhere.
Of course man. I don't browse this thread as often as I used to unfortunately, as life has gotten tougher in the past year and a half, but I still like to pop in on days when I'm feeling supportive and see what insight I can lend
You don't need to worry about 'saying the right thing' or any of that with a therapist or psychiatrist. Their job is to sort through everything you say and see beyond just your words into what's truly going on. If you're really anxious about saying the wrong thing or leading them astray then, well, say so! I've brought that up with several doctors I have and it helped a lot to get their assurances that (a) you can't say anything wrong and (b) they would ask me for further clarification if anything was ambiguous. I worried A LOT about that, especially any time I was seeing someone new.
Of course, try to be conscious of your own clarity as well. I learned to eliminate hyperbole from my speech and it makes me feel better about being clear (so I don't march in just any day and say OH MY GOD I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. Like, if I say that, I mean it and my doctor knows).
Point is, be open with your therapist / psychiatrist even about your anxieties about your relationship with them. They've likely had many other patients with similar worries! It's their job to guide you through that and work together to figure something out.
I think you're jumping a bit far in the other direction by worrying that medication will turn you into a zombie. The point of the medication is to make you feel more yourself ... and, when it comes down to it, as awesome as hypomania is it probably isn't yourself. I definitely wasn't 100% me when I was hypomanic. I was crazed, energetic, aggressive, impulsive me. I know it sucks to think about "giving up" that part of yourself but, again, the more you learn about yourself the more you see that the roots of that confidence, energy, motivation et cetera are still within you! You just have to learn how to access them when not in an emotional extreme. Which therapy and self-exploration in general can do.
I don't always think medication is appropriate but as you've described your ups and downs they do sound like something medication would help, and it would help you be more you, not just make you a zombie.
Again, sorry for scattered, foggy mind today. SAWAP.
This is a very lonely holiday season. I mean, most of them are. Due to my illness, it's rare if I get to spend time with people who care about me and this Christmas is even worse than others, with my best friend and his wife out of town. I get jealous of people who have families they can go to for such events, as something like that exited my life many moons ago. I'm prepared for yet another Christmas where I'll be drinking spiked egg nog by myself while listening to the Home Alone soundtrack, trying to summon a festive mood that isn't really justified by circumstances.
The irony (if you can call it that) is that my mental health is mostly stable, occasional dips in mood aside. I'm certainly in far better shape that I was last December, where I was a raging mess. It's just all in a void because the damage has already been done and many of my relationships are either strained or completely decimated. It makes me very sad, the realization that maybe I would be better off all alone.
Happy Holidays, I guess. For whatever it's worth. I need to remember to pick up the egg nog.
The irony (if you can call it that) is that my mental health is mostly stable, occasional dips in mood aside. I'm certainly in far better shape that I was last December, where I was a raging mess. It's just all in a void because the damage has already been done and many of my relationships are either strained or completely decimated. It makes me very sad, the realization that maybe I would be better off all alone.
Happy Holidays, I guess. For whatever it's worth. I need to remember to pick up the egg nog.
Polydeuces
Member
Actually studied. Cant really time travel to get lost time back. I always tell myself to do it but I end up procrastinating. ugh
Silphonica
Banned
Same boat, but by choice, kinda. I have few family left and the family I do have left I have elected to see after new year, when things have calmed down a bit.
I don't want to kill myself, but I'm starting to feel rather hopeless. Like I'm walking straight toward the edge of a cliff and I can't stop myself any longer. I hate myself and I hate hating myself because people don't like me when I hate myself. But I struggle to find things I like about myself, and I don't put in the effort to change,
I care. Can you describe how your weekends feel in greater detail?
So is the hopelessness that you feel trapped and unable to change course? Do you feel like hating yourself forever is an inevitability?
Just trying to understand as well as I can. SAWAP, both of you.
Polydeuces
Member
Final exam at 9am. Just been passively reading lecture notes. Gotta practice soon... ugh
EDIT: Managed to read through all the lecture slides. Barely remember the exercises and assignments. Barely looked at the past exams. Ive been doing this for almost all my classes. Im "scared" of doing them. If there's no solutions then I dont even think about attempting them. I think I get the material by just reading the lecture slides which are mostly summaries. I only managed to begin reading what was even on the slides today because I was so preoccupied with my other courses in the semester that I didnt do the whole "re read the lecture material after class is done or before"
I dont want to be down all the time but I have a close chance of failing this exam too. I think I just repeated my 2nd year by failing 3 courses in the first semester again.
Damn it. The jealously and envy I hold for people (even my friends) who are doing well in their courses especially the ones I was supposed to be in or doing them now is continuously increase. Ive watched a youtube video about reducing this and one point that stuck with me was "make their achievements support you to become them" sense. My competitive mindset is still lingering in my mind. I just cant stop comparing myself to others.
I did learn alot of lessons this semester. Well it might just be the same lessons and I havent improved. Ive neglected to change and its gets worse and worse.
And my head still hurts. Stupid tension headache (I think)
EDIT: Managed to read through all the lecture slides. Barely remember the exercises and assignments. Barely looked at the past exams. Ive been doing this for almost all my classes. Im "scared" of doing them. If there's no solutions then I dont even think about attempting them. I think I get the material by just reading the lecture slides which are mostly summaries. I only managed to begin reading what was even on the slides today because I was so preoccupied with my other courses in the semester that I didnt do the whole "re read the lecture material after class is done or before"
I dont want to be down all the time but I have a close chance of failing this exam too. I think I just repeated my 2nd year by failing 3 courses in the first semester again.
Damn it. The jealously and envy I hold for people (even my friends) who are doing well in their courses especially the ones I was supposed to be in or doing them now is continuously increase. Ive watched a youtube video about reducing this and one point that stuck with me was "make their achievements support you to become them" sense. My competitive mindset is still lingering in my mind. I just cant stop comparing myself to others.
I did learn alot of lessons this semester. Well it might just be the same lessons and I havent improved. Ive neglected to change and its gets worse and worse.
And my head still hurts. Stupid tension headache (I think)
Too much free time to wallow in my depression. I just stay home the whole time trapped inside my own head with no motivation to get out and it gets to me
Isolation will break down the defenses of even the strongest minds. I've learned that I can't spend more than a day in my house, alone, before I start to slide downhill. You mentioned a lack of motivation - are there things, people, places you could see on the weekends if you only had the will to do so?
Yeah, this is a trigger for me too. And I spend 98% of my time alone.
Come in irc to chat? I'm attempting to spread holiday cheer/positivity, if you'll have it from me! c:
And I completely agree on the isolation thing. I grew up mostly alone and, while I need alone time still, it doesn't do a mind good all the time. Humans are social creatures.
Blackquill
Member
So I guess I already failed my first year in university, I don't know what to study and I knew almost nobody from this place, my finals start in three weeks and I have no class anymore... Even though I'll get what I need, I will not study, I have aboslutely 0 motivation. The irony is that failing at school is probably what I fear the most, and yet I cannot study.
It's been two weeks since the last time I went there, also two weeks I'm staying at home, only going to the therapist and that's all. I'm restarting to eat shit and not doing cardio, so all my efforts were wasted. I'm just 90% of my time in my room always attempt to do something interesting but I know I need to go out doing something else, but I don't know what. And I also wonder what I'm gonna dp these next 6 months...
It's been two weeks since the last time I went there, also two weeks I'm staying at home, only going to the therapist and that's all. I'm restarting to eat shit and not doing cardio, so all my efforts were wasted. I'm just 90% of my time in my room always attempt to do something interesting but I know I need to go out doing something else, but I don't know what. And I also wonder what I'm gonna dp these next 6 months...
Maybe give yourself a mental break from being in your room and go for a walk? Have a friend or family member who could meet you for a coffee or do some window shopping? I understand these things can be difficult but sometimes going through the motions, even when you're not comfortable right away, can help shake the fog.
It's weird. I prefer the company of myself and no-one else (bar my iPod) but still somehow manage to hate being alone at the same time.
Bubbavelli
Banned
Everything just feels so hopeless. I'm about to finish my worst semester of school and i feel terrible about it. I also don't see the point in school. It just all seems like a dead end. A part of me recognizes that uncertainty is the human condition but a bigger part of me is shouting at me that im going nowhere. I dont even know what i'll do when I get out. I just dont want to go to school anymore but idk what I would do if I left. Im 22 and I have minimal job experience. I should be studying for a final that I have tomorrow but all these thoughts causing my focus astray. I just feel like a big burden. I fucking hate this feeling. I dont see the point of living
Blackquill
Member
You're right, just going out a bit would be cool. Actually, I have no real friends (I know some people but I just met them because we were in the same class, otherwise, I don't talk much with them), I see my family (my mother, brother and sister) everyday since I live with them, I sometimes going out with them but I think I need to see someone else, from my age I guess....
You're young and just getting into the adult world and it's a LOT to be put in front of you. Post-secondary education is a stepping stone. Life gets easier as you get through your twenties, trust me. It's hard going from the top of the food chain in highschool to the bottom of it when you're a young adult, working on getting out on your own. It's often the most difficult transitioning period in anyone's life, but also one of the most exciting when you get to meet new people, experience new things, put yourself out there, find what you're passionate about and love. It's easy to slip into the habit of beating yourself up over how difficult school and life can be on you but please remember that this is just the beginning. You've got a lot to live for, even if the way you're feeling hinders you from seeing that right now.
Try looking into clubs/activities at the school your class is at? It's difficult meeting new people and making friends, that's something I know all too well, but you have to start somewhere.
Blackquill
Member
Yep, I'm trying to find something in my university, however I must wait until the second semester (early february) to participate at a activity since there is no class anymore and finals are coming. But that's definitively something I'm looking forward to. Actually, my therapist gave me a similar advice, I think this is the best thing I can do for now.
Megalosaro
Banned
I don't really know where to go about this without blogGAFing things up, so I guess I'll post this here.
I really don't know what to do with myself. I don't think I've been genuinely happy since I was about eleven. I feel like I just sort of exist most of the time. By all accounts, I should be feeling pretty good. I have a new job that isn't terrible. It's rarely boring and the time goes by quick. I have good co-workers that treat me with respect. My hours aren't terrible. And the pay isn't bad. I have enough money to feel economically secure, but I worry I'll cap out pretty quick.
I have a few hobbies. I golf on the weekends. I visit my parents and have dinner with them on sundays which is nice I guess. But I never really feel excited about what i'm doing. Just slightly less bored.
I don't really like my friends, outside of my best friend and like one or two others. The other rest of my friends are a bunch of self-obsessed jackasses. Worse yet, I don't think they've ever really respected me. They just hung out with me because they have always had. I always felt like they are patronizing me. And recently that lack of respect has really started getting to me. I want to make new friends, but I really don't know how as an adult. It's pretty tough meeting new people, much less people I feel I can relate with.
I feel like I'm waiting to die most of the time, to be honest.
I really don't know what to do with myself. I don't think I've been genuinely happy since I was about eleven. I feel like I just sort of exist most of the time. By all accounts, I should be feeling pretty good. I have a new job that isn't terrible. It's rarely boring and the time goes by quick. I have good co-workers that treat me with respect. My hours aren't terrible. And the pay isn't bad. I have enough money to feel economically secure, but I worry I'll cap out pretty quick.
I have a few hobbies. I golf on the weekends. I visit my parents and have dinner with them on sundays which is nice I guess. But I never really feel excited about what i'm doing. Just slightly less bored.
I don't really like my friends, outside of my best friend and like one or two others. The other rest of my friends are a bunch of self-obsessed jackasses. Worse yet, I don't think they've ever really respected me. They just hung out with me because they have always had. I always felt like they are patronizing me. And recently that lack of respect has really started getting to me. I want to make new friends, but I really don't know how as an adult. It's pretty tough meeting new people, much less people I feel I can relate with.
I feel like I'm waiting to die most of the time, to be honest.
HOMEBOY OVER HERE
Banned
Honestly feel real lonely and am wondering if I'll ever be happy again. I like to look at this as a test. To value people I care about more and just value people in general but I feel completely alone and it is making me hate the people I'm around more. I'm thinking of quitting my job a nd leaving town. Maybe find a farm to work on or travel. I don't know. I feel like my passions and positive qualities are being stripped from me and I hate that.
OccamsBlender
Member
Happiness seems like it's been just barely out of my grasp and if I only had some more courage, I could probably grasp it. But I can't. I just feel it slip away while I waste away. I eat, work and sleep but there's no real point for me to do so. What's the point of me living? It's not like this world is a better place for me existing.
.. i feel worthless and shitPolydeuces
Member
Finished my final exam yesterday. The pain from my head is gone but seeing what i got in the end of my 3 courses might bring it back up. I dont think alot of my friends from online are back so gaming has been stale. Going lone wolf is only fun for a while. It was pretty much what stemed my competitive mindset. Going into lobbies and being the best in the room felt good; even better when in a team.
Im just sitting here lounging around. Having nothing to do school related does reset my stress levels. But it would probably be back again but it depends on whether I failed any of them.
SAWAP
Im just sitting here lounging around. Having nothing to do school related does reset my stress levels. But it would probably be back again but it depends on whether I failed any of them.
SAWAP
If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this, I would appreciate it;
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=953470
Really dreading Christmas.
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=953470
Really dreading Christmas.
whiterabbit
Member
Parents splitting up is rough. My parents have been divorced for something like 15 years probably. I think it changes the dynamic of a family a lot.
Also just wanted to say hi. I haven't posted here for a while. I live in a treatment program for now, I don't even really think I have schizophrenia but I take antipsychotics for it and that's what my doctor would probably say my diagnosis is. I think I have depression more than I have schizophrenia, but antipsychotics are what I'm on for now. I take 20mg of zyprexa.
Also just wanted to say hi. I haven't posted here for a while. I live in a treatment program for now, I don't even really think I have schizophrenia but I take antipsychotics for it and that's what my doctor would probably say my diagnosis is. I think I have depression more than I have schizophrenia, but antipsychotics are what I'm on for now. I take 20mg of zyprexa.
User 479360
Banned
I've got my next appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I was supposed to get blood work and an MRI done during the several week wait, but didn't. I procrastinated.
Hopefully she's not pissed. She's easygoing, though.
Hopefully she's not pissed. She's easygoing, though.
hunchback
Member
You're not alone my friend. I'm disabled and in bed 80% of the time. I feel trapped in my head all of the time. I find that if my mind is in overdrive I try to listen to music or even TV. Sometimes it works as a distraction. Other times I will try to write down in a journal what is going through my head right then. That can help because it's kind of a release of your emotions and you can come back and read it to see if there is a pattern.
Definitely try to get out and get some fresh air. I'll sit in my wheelchair outside and watch bird's and do breathing exercises. Even if I only spend 20 minute's outside, I usually feel a bit better. If you need to talk more I will be around all during the holidays.
BUNTING1243
Banned
I've lost twenty pounds since my breakup, roughly four months ago. I'm still pretty torn up over it and frequently a depressive mess, but having stuff like this definitely helps.
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