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Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.

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Arsenic Yellow said:
Yeah, I know I'm probably being ridiculous. Theres been a lot of drama in y life the last few years, I havent dated in a good 4-5 years, and I'm remembering how terrible I am at it. My anxiety and insecurities come up. You know? Plus being in the middle of winter break gives me free time to worry about this. Classes and work start back up next week, I can't wait. It'll be thesis semester so I'll have other things to be anxious about.
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The texting habits you mentioned don't seem like a bad sign to me. Some people are just like that. I know some days I feel like sending random things to a girl I'm talking to and some days I'd rather not say anything really. As far as flirting he may just not be a flirtatious guy or needs to warm up to you more. I think him saying he doesn't really know you is a good sign of that.

Mostly you just don't need to worry so much and let things play out. Always expecting the worst won't do you any good, trust me.
 
bcl0328 said:
ahh man, logging into facebook and the first thing you see is [guy] and [her] are in a relationship.

i should just unfriend her.
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I'm going through a breakup right now and it's only been a couple of weeks since the breakup. But I actually unfollowed her but couldn't stop looking at her fb. It was wrecking me seeing her move on seemingly fast. So I just deleted Twitter and FB apps from my phone so it actually has to have effort put into it to try and hurt myself. I dont want to even go on there and delete any pics of us. I'm planning on just going dark on fb and Twitter until I know I'm 100% ok with seeing her with someone new. I can't deal with this shit right now. so I feel yah.
 
depths20XX said:
The texting habits you mentioned don't seem like a bad sign to me. Some people are just like that. I know some days I feel like sending random things to a girl I'm talking to and some days I'd rather not say anything really. As far as flirting he may just not be a flirtatious guy or needs to warm up to you more. I think him saying he doesn't really know you is a good sign of that.

Mostly you just don't need to worry so much and let things play out. Always expecting the worst won't do you any good, trust me.
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Haha yeah I know, my career is full of rejection (performance artist), so I've coped by assuming the worst and being surprised by good news. That seems to have leaked into my dating life as well.
 
The whole "you're not ready, you're not ready, etc." Yeah, I'm not in a place where I should have relationships with other people so I have to get used to it. It's just not fair that other people get to date and I have to spend every moment alone.
 
grap3fruitman said:
The whole "you're not ready, you're not ready, etc." Yeah, I'm not in a place where I should have relationships with other people so I have to get used to it. It's just not fair that other people get to date and I have to spend every moment alone.
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Eeyore.gif


There is a difference between not being ready to date right now and having to spend every moment alone. You can be with people that you are not dating.
 
grap3fruitman said:
The whole "you're not ready, you're not ready, etc." Yeah, I'm not in a place where I should have relationships with other people so I have to get used to it. It's just not fair that other people get to date and I have to spend every moment alone.
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You fluctuate from having a major anxiety attack over having a single date with someone, to feeling miserable because you're not dating someone. That is not a normal reaction. You need to heed some of the advice that has been given to you in these threads and learn to focus on yourself for now so that you'll eventually be more comfortable in social settings with people – whether you're dating them or not.

I know these words will fall on deaf ears though, because time and again I've seen you say that no one ever gives you advice on how to work on yourself, even though that just isn't true.
 
ho-lee-fuck.

so i randomly decide to look at my facebook conversations with people from about 4-5 years ago. most of them were with girls.

what the fuck is wrong with me? it's so obvious how many of them liked me, and i just completely missed it. i am so goddamn oblivious to this shit. so many missed opportunities.

i am hating myself right now.
 
bcl0328 said:
ho-lee-fuck.

so i randomly decide to look at my facebook conversations with people from about 4-5 years ago. most of them were with girls.

what the fuck is wrong with me? it's so obvious how many of them liked me, and i just completely missed it. i am so goddamn oblivious to this shit. so many missed opportunities.

i am hating myself right now.
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Noooooo! Just use that as a learning experience!! You must be pretty awesome if all those girls liked you. Are you still friends with them? Can you ask one of them out for coffee or have you not kept in contact with them?
 
grap3fruitman said:
The whole "you're not ready, you're not ready, etc." Yeah, I'm not in a place where I should have relationships with other people so I have to get used to it. It's just not fair that other people get to date and I have to spend every moment alone.
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Not once did I say you were not ready to have friends or relationships with other people. Not once did I even advise you to stay alone. I said that you should work on friendships as developing those would help you learn to develop the tools needed to have relationships that you want (in this case dating)

Advice is given, has been given and will continue to be given. What will not be given is a manual on exactly when to do things and how to do them. You need to live your own life not ask for an instruction booklet and only follow that...

Be a person not a puppet.
 
bcl0328 said:
ho-lee-fuck.

so i randomly decide to look at my facebook conversations with people from about 4-5 years ago. most of them were with girls.

what the fuck is wrong with me? it's so obvious how many of them liked me, and i just completely missed it. i am so goddamn oblivious to this shit. so many missed opportunities.

i am hating myself right now.
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What's stopping you from rekindling that interest now?

There's nothing stopping you, "from missing out," when there still seems to be attraction.

Give it a shot hot stuff.
 
Arsenic Yellow said:
Noooooo! Just use that as a learning experience!! You must be pretty awesome if all those girls liked you. Are you still friends with them? Can you ask one of them out for coffee or have you not kept in contact with them?
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i am in contact with all of them still, and they all have boyfriends too, some have kids too.

it's just weird thinking about it, this whole time i thought we were only friends. rereading our old conversations they were all into me, but at the time i didn't see it.

this one girl messages me randomly at 7pm asking if we can go out for ice cream and bacon. for some reason i didn't respond??

the next day she randomly messages me "i love you, and that's all :)"

wtf was i doing??

then the next day, another random message "baby b,, make me dinner. im hungry :("

fack...
 
bcl0328 said:
i am in contact with all of them still, and they all have boyfriends too, some have kids too.

it's just weird thinking about it, this whole time i thought we were only friends. rereading our old conversations they were all into me, but at the time i didn't see it.

this one girl messages me randomly at 7pm asking if we can go out for ice cream and bacon. for some reason i didn't respond??

the next day she randomly messages me "i love you, and that's all :)"

wtf was i doing??

then the next day, another random message "baby b,, make me dinner. im hungry :("

fack...
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All I can say is that when I go out there next month and face the scary world that I have been a shut in from for the last 7 years. I hope I have even 1/10th the luck you seem to have.

Even if you did not realize how lucky you were at the time.

Has this made you more self aware of people showing interest in you now? Or are you still pretty oblivious?
 
Flying Toaster said:
All I can say is that when I go out there next month and face the scary world that I have been a shut in from for the last 7 years. I hope I have even 1/10th the luck you seem to have.

Even if you did not realize how lucky you were at the time.

Has this made you more self aware of people showing interest in you now? Or are you still pretty oblivious?
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nope, still oblivious as fuck. but, i have been reading a book and subbed to dating advice, seduction, and a few others on reddit which has made me less oblivious now.

basically, always assume attraction and go from there. so i am now applying that to all girls i like.

in the past i never assumed attraction so i never picked up on it and blew it off as being friendly. even the last girl i talked to i had no idea she liked me until i just straight up told her i liked her, which i have never done before.
 
bcl0328 said:
nope, still oblivious as fuck. but, i have been reading a book and subbed to dating advice, seduction, and a few others on reddit which has made me less oblivious now.

basically, always assume attraction and go from there. so i am now applying that to all girls i like.

in the past i never assumed attraction so i never picked up on it and blew it off as being friendly. even the last girl i talked to i had no idea she liked me until i just straight up told her i liked her, which i have never done before.
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Wow, I never even thought of reddit. NeoGAF is my safe zone on the internet. It is just strange enough for me to feel comfortable but with a lot of the trolls missing. I guess I should go and browse reddit as well. Thanks for the advice.

I am so oblivous to being hit on that when it happens it takes someone else to point it out.

Example: Was at a friends birthday celebration. There is a group of women next to our table and one of them overhears me catching up with one of my friends about my current divorce process. This woman meanders over to our table, sits next to me and talks to me about all sorts of things in a flirtatious manner. I do not even pick up on any of it. At the end of the night as we are waiting for our bill I hit the bathroom. Apparently the woman passes my friend her phone number and says "Your divorced friend is a mess. I love messes. Give him my number the second the papers are signed."

I don't honestly know if my mindset is to ignore all advances till the divorce is final or I am really just that oblivious. Hell at least I got a number right? (that is partially sarcastic)
 
Flying Toaster said:
Wow, I never even thought of reddit. NeoGAF is my safe zone on the internet. It is just strange enough for me to feel comfortable but with a lot of the trolls missing. I guess I should go and browse reddit as well. Thanks for the advice.

I am so oblivous to being hit on that when it happens it takes someone else to point it out.

Example: Was at a friends birthday celebration. There is a group of women next to our table and one of them overhears me catching up with one of my friends about my current divorce process. This woman meanders over to our table, sits next to me and talks to me about all sorts of things in a flirtatious manner. I do not even pick up on any of it. At the end of the night as we are waiting for our bill I hit the bathroom. Apparently the woman passes my friend her phone number and says "Your divorced friend is a mess. I love messes. Give him my number the second the papers are signed."

I don't honestly know if my mindset is to ignore all advances till the divorce is final or I am really just that oblivious. Hell at least I got a number right? (that is partially sarcastic)
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yea, there aren't many trolls on those subs at all. lots of helpful people with good advice. those subs helped me get through a few rough times and how to deal with them.
 
Kung Fu Jedi said:
I know these words will fall on deaf ears though, because time and again I've seen you say that no one ever gives you advice on how to work on yourself, even though that just isn't true.
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To this day, I still don't understand what "working on myself" entails. And, for the record, nothing fluctuates because I'm consistently miserable. :P
 
grap3fruitman said:
To this day, I still don't understand what "working on myself" entails. And, for the record, nothing fluctuates because I'm consistently miserable. :P
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I think a lot of people have explained it to you really and you're being intentionally obtuse.

Working on yourself is giving yourself goals, hobbies, eating better, excersizing, etc. Basically anything that will positively effect your life. Working on yourself so that you don't have a completely negative and self destructive attitude even when you do get a date.
 
grap3fruitman said:
To this day, I still don't understand what "working on myself" entails. And, for the record, nothing fluctuates because I'm consistently miserable. :P
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You have told us what you are not comfortable with. You have told us what you want...

Working on yourself would be focusing on becoming comfortable around people and making plans to achieve the goals you want.
 
grap3fruitman said:
To this day, I still don't understand what "working on myself" entails. And, for the record, nothing fluctuates because I'm consistently miserable. :P
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It means learning how to be happy and successful. You seem to have major issues, so seeing a doctor is probably a good first step if you can. They can asses whether you need therapy, meds, both etc. Find some good self help books related to issues you have and follow the advice in them to improve your outlook, thinking pattern etc.

Otherwise, working on yourself means figuring out what you want to do with your life and what you need to do to get there and start working toward that. Get the education or training you need for the career you want. Get a job in that area after. In your personal life figure out what hobbies make you happiest. Ideally find some that can be done with friends. Check Meetup.com or other sites for groups related to hobbies to meet people with shared interests and make friends and build social skills. Do that then work on dating, be it through those broadened social circles or online dating.

Spend some time each day thinking about what you want and what you need to do to get it and whether you're making progress, maybe start a journal.
 
grap3fruitman said:
To this day, I still don't understand what "working on myself" entails. And, for the record, nothing fluctuates because I'm consistently miserable. :P
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You ever going to get therapy instead of punching yourself in the face every time a minor setback occurs? I think you've been told enough times that we're not equipped to help someone who has legitimate mental issues in this thread.

You need professional help and you're not going to get it here. Suck it up and get some help.
 
Wormdundee said:
You ever going to get therapy instead of punching yourself in the face every time a minor setback occurs? I think you've been told enough times that we're not equipped to help someone who has legitimate mental issues in this thread.

You need professional help and you're not going to get it here. Suck it up and get some help.
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Zing said:
Agreed.

The mental health OT:
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=541440
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We tried telling him that before.

He just comes back here and gets attention. Gets suggestions, says they are not suggestions, etc etc etc etc etc.
 
A good barometer of what working on yourself entails is being "content" with who you are and what you do every step of the way. I mean a example for myself is I'm at a point in my life while despite haven't gotten a GF yet, I'm socially satisfied with the friends I've got, passionate about the stuff I do on a daily basis (activism, university, work) during my holidays right now I may be mostly just spending my time reading books, messaging some girls on okcupid occasionally, exercising, catching up on some video games with the occasional gig and hang-out with friends on the weekend, and while I'm not exactly socializing as much as I usually do (or other people I know), I'm completely content with this arrangement and just appreciating the extra free time I have just doing my hobbies.
 
grap3fruitman said:
To this day, I still don't understand what "working on myself" entails. And, for the record, nothing fluctuates because I'm consistently miserable. :P
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Dude, if you really don't understand (I think you just refuse to to give yourself excuses to fail, sorry to say it) look into getting a life coach to help you or get some therapy, since you clearly got issues no one here can help you with through the internet.
 
Sitting at a tea shop. Meetings him at theater in harvard in an hour. Decided to go shopping as everything is close by so im going to bring him some hot tea when I meet up with him. That's thoughtful and not trying too hard right? I got here early and getting some reading done.
 
Arsenic Yellow said:
Sitting at a tea shop. Meetings him at theater in harvard in an hour. Decided to go shopping as everything is close by so im going to bring him some hot tea when I meet up with him. That's thoughtful and not trying too hard right? I got here early and getting some reading done.
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can i find a girl like you?
 
Arsenic Yellow said:
Sitting at a tea shop. Meetings him at theater in harvard in an hour. Decided to go shopping as everything is close by so im going to bring him some hot tea when I meet up with him. That's thoughtful and not trying too hard right? I got here early and getting some reading done.
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Why would it be trying too hard? He might see it as thoughtful and sweet. You know, doing nice things for others doesn't have to come over as trying too hard, it really does sound like you're overthinking things often when judged by your posts here. Though I can't blame you, I can get like that too :x I've been training myself to not get paranoid over when others show less contact and appear less interested. It has worked wonders and most times it doesn't mean anything negative. Some guys appreciate it when they're given space and like it when a woman appears confident and have her own stuff going on in her life. The sooner you realize this and try to practice it, the better it's going to get.
 
That's the thing. In person I come off as confident and independent. In private I'm a mess.. :|
Edit: I'm mostly buying the tea as Id feel like a jerk coming with warm tea in my hand and nothing to offer him. I'm from louisiana and moved up to boston and things are a lot colder (literally and figuratively). A lot of what is considered expected down south in terms of manners is considered weird up here. Hes also my first Bostonian date, so I get nervous.

Edit edit: also sitting next to people obviously on ther first date and it's going soooo badly. He's just talking about previous dates and set ups he has had. And how much it sucks being single at his age. OH MY GOD.
 
Arsenic Yellow said:
Edit edit: also sitting next to people obviously on ther first date and it's going soooo badly. He's just talking about previous dates and set ups he has had. And how much it sucks being single at his age. OH MY GOD.
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LOL

I was talking about my ex and how i used to be with a girl yesterday in relation as to how a guy got entitled, jealous, clingy and shit and why she shouldn't respond.

She isn't interested in a relationship so whatever, i was just sharing experiences and she did too.
 
Arsenic Yellow said:
That's the thing. In person I come off as confident and independent. In private I'm a mess.. :|

Edit edit: also sitting next to people obviously on ther first date and it's going soooo badly. He's just talking about previous dates and set ups he has had. And how much it sucks being single at his age. OH MY GOD.
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It's easy to come over as confident and independent in person. Try to also be like that when you're on your own so the anxiety doesn't build up and affect your relationships.

Also that edit, sounds like he's hinting! Did you mention before how old you guys are?
 
RpgN said:
It's easy to come over as confident and independent in person. Try to also be like that when you're on your own so the anxiety doesn't build up and affect your relationships.

Also that edit, sounds like he's hinting! Did you mention before how old you guys are?
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No I'm listening to a date next to me. I'm not on my date now. We are both in our late 20s, bout to hit 30 soon.
 
Well, I think I needed to move on from the person I'm seeing. She's been way too passive lately and doesn't talk as much. I'm not sure if she's losing/lost interest but it definitely seems like time to just move on. Sucks :/
 
Zaraki_Kenpachi said:
Well, I think I needed to move on from the person I'm seeing. She's been way too passive lately and doesn't talk as much. I'm not sure if she's losing/lost interest but it definitely seems like time to just move on. Sucks :/
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join the club bub. it does suck, but we have to pick ourselves up and move on.
 
infinitys_7th said:
Dumb question, but what is chemistry in a relationship to you all (guys and girls)? How do you know you have it?
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I've always find that a weird term, myself. I could be totally off base here, but I always assumed it was how well you and your potential SO 'get' each other. Like, you two think a lot alike... or if you two don't, you at least still understand the other's train of thoughts pretty well.

Again, might be completely off here, but that's my guess :D
 
infinitys_7th said:
Dumb question, but what is chemistry in a relationship to you all (guys and girls)? How do you know you have it?
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it's kind of like when you're with them you can just be yourself and you don't judge each other. you're comfortable around them and you make each other laugh. the communication is effortless and you just enjoy each others company. you feel a certain spark between you two, it's almost like lust and infatuation.
 
Arsenic Yellow said:
That's the thing. In person I come off as confident and independent. In private I'm a mess.. :|
Edit: I'm mostly buying the tea as Id feel like a jerk coming with warm tea in my hand and nothing to offer him. I'm from louisiana and moved up to boston and things are a lot colder (literally and figuratively). A lot of what is considered expected down south in terms of manners is considered weird up here. Hes also my first Bostonian date, so I get nervous.

Edit edit: also sitting next to people obviously on ther first date and it's going soooo badly. He's just talking about previous dates and set ups he has had. And how much it sucks being single at his age. OH MY GOD.
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Barry's?
 
Tealuxe.
And omg date over and this boy ain't got game. I'm super into him, maybe he isn't into me. I get one really awkward goodbye kiss. So awkward I actually say "ok I'm gonna need a real goodbye kiss" and kissed him a second time. AND I get a one arm patting hug. He asked if I was busy Saturday so yeah I guess we will have another date planned . That's a good sign, but this guy... I almost wonder if he's a gaffer in secret.

Edit: as he was walking me to the bus station, he did mention he wished he could take off tomorrow and probably could but had too much work to do. He also got fairly close to me during the movie, arms touching and stuff, but I was not going to make the move! I'm taking a step back and having him make moves.
 
gaiages said:
I've always find that a weird term, myself. I could be totally off base here, but I always assumed it was how well you and your potential SO 'get' each other. Like, you two think a lot alike... or if you two don't, you at least still understand the other's train of thoughts pretty well.

Again, might be completely off here, but that's my guess :D
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That's part of it, but of course you need to feel a strong attraction to them as well--both physically and emotionally. I am friends with a girl who I have absolutely everything in common with but I am just not attracted to her--it really sucks, but there's nothing that can be done about something like that.

And I don't know why y'all try with grap3 anymore. The only chance of his mindset changing at this point is if he gets professional help, which he won't do because he doesn't seem to ever actually listen to anybody on here.
 
Legit question here that I still don't get.

Why do ex's message you? Then cut off responding. It's normally the hey, how you're doing, etc. Then after you respond back and forth a few times, they just stop.

And then they'll do it again a bit later. "Hey, how you're doing".

I don't want to be rude, but it's annoying.
 
shintoki said:
Legit question here that I still don't get.

Why do ex's message you? Then cut off responding. It's normally the hey, how you're doing, etc. Then after you respond back and forth a few times, they just stop.

And then they'll do it again a bit later. "Hey, how you're doing".

I don't want to be rude, but it's annoying.
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To validate the feeling that they were more important to you than you to them.
 
Arsenic Yellow said:
Tealuxe.
And omg date over and this boy ain't got game. I'm super into him, maybe he isn't into me. I get one really awkward goodbye kiss. So awkward I actually say "ok I'm gonna need a real goodbye kiss" and kissed him a second time. AND I get a one arm patting hug. He asked if I was busy Saturday so yeah I guess we will have another date planned . That's a good sign, but this guy... I almost wonder if he's a gaffer in secret.

Edit: as he was walking me to the bus station, he did mention he wished he could take off tomorrow and probably could but had too much work to do. He also got fairly close to me during the movie, arms touching and stuff, but I was not going to make the move! I'm taking a step back and having him make moves.
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he sounds exactly like me. even if i am super into someone i still feel shy and awkward making moves. i would love for the lady to do them so i can get comfortable.
 
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