Hey, people, I want to share my little story of the past three months.
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In October I went to a pop-culture festival (kinda like a local Comic-Con) in my city just to spend some free time and meet a couple of friends. Also, I'm interested in a cosplay culture, and want to try it by myself in the future, so it was like a gaining of some inspiration and experience as well. During lunch on this festival I met a girl - absolutely accidentally - beautiful, smart, fun and with a lot of same interests. We were talking to each other a lot, walking around, I also met some of her friends - so, we had a good time.
A couple of days after that festival, she wrote me that she wanted to see a movie (Big Hero 6) and invited me to go with her. I gladly agreed and we once again had a great time together that evening. The next day I invited her to a play in a little local theater, after that we were walking in a park, riding on a ferris wheel, and both of us enjoyed everything. Sometime after that, when we were hanging out again, I told her that I like her very much and want to develop our relationship. She accepted it and I was very happy and, it seems, she was too.
Unfortunately our dates were not so often or regular - sometimes with a gap of a week or two between them. But we were keeping our contact through a social network and texting or by a phone. A couple of times she was in my apartment - we watched some movies and anime. During this dates we kissed several times and felt very comfortable next to each other. I told her that I love her.
But nearing the new year, she started to become more and more estranged. We had our exams and everything. Before, she proposed an idea to spend the new year's eve together, but it didn't happen because her parents bought her tickets to home (another city) just in front of it. It was okay, but when she returned early in January she, at first, wanted to meet me, but when I've gone forward and invited her to spend a couple of days in my home, she refused. I asked if something was wrong and she answered that she is scared of spending nights in homes of anyone who is not her relative or a dorm neighbor, where she lives currently.
I understood her, but decided to ask why is she so estranged now - I've seen how it was growing and growing over time. She explained that her previous relationship left her with a badly jarred soul - she had to learn again how to communicate with males - and it left a scar which she needs to heal by herself for some time. She said that she was happy to spend time with me and was not lying when she said that she loved me too before. However, her past experience is still fresh in her mind and she isn't ready for a new serious relationship, as she explained. So, she proposed to break up.
I was (well, still is) in love with her and was kinda shocked. I knew something was not right, but I thought we can fix things. But she didn't want that now. I have to admit that I called her by a phone and in tears said her how much she means to me, and that I want to help her, and do not want to end this all. She understood me, told some warm and reassuring words, but was still with her opinion intact.
A week after that we finally met again - I asked her for that, because I just couldn't accept break up through the texts and calls, only eye to eye. We had a nice conversation, I accepted her will for her own good, but also said that I still seriously love her and it's rather painful to me. In the end, we broke up. Not in a way that everything needs to be forgotten like a nightmare, but on a good terms. I'm sure she will be fine. And I hope that I will too.
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Why am I telling this (most likely) trivial story? Here are my reasons:
1) I'm a 22 years old (she is 19) and that was my first serious relationship. Most of the time of my life I was pretty reticent, closed person - notably introverted, but not extremely - with rather developed social skills. Lately, I started slowly changing my mind, because I know that I won't be happy with my life if I will just continue being that way. I decided to develop my social skills further, getting myself out of my comfort zone more and more often, opening my inner self to people and to myself - being more friendly, emotional, empathic. I'm progressing, but surely not enough yet, I feel that I still have a big road ahead of me. When this relationship started - I thought it was a big success on my side, but when relationship ended - I started to think where I failed, what to fix, where to grow. I haven't been physically close with a woman yet. I never lived in a dorm with people of my age. I haven't done, you know, THIS or THAT, a number of things in the right time... I feel that I missed out a lot of helpful (and even necessary) things and experiences. Probably it all played a part in this break up as well. And I blame myself for that. Any support and advice will be welcome - I want to learn how to improve my life, my situation, for the sake of my future.
2) I live alone in a rented apartment which is paid by my parents. I'm a student and want to find a job in the future, to be more independent and to ease a life of my parents, but right now I feel rather empty, lonely and sad. Despite having enough buddies (people who you know a little and with whom communicate from time to time), I only have a few good, close friends. Currently, only one in this city. I want to meet more people and get new good friends, but at this moment I'm sad because I don't have them already, like many people around me. I feel that my social circle is not enough for me, I barely can talk to anyone about this relationship and my feelings - I fear that people won't care. I want to find more sincerity, support and care in real people - not only in my relatives. There has to be a way to do it.
3) Next week I will go on my exchange semester (5 months) to another country (Hungary). I hope I will get my visa in time and then I'm free to go. Probably my departure played a role in a break up too, since it was known to my GF, but she said it was not a factor. Anyway, I feel that it's a good opportunity to "start over" in some aspects, try new things, catch up somewhere, gain new skills, get new hobbies. I'm nervous, even scared a bit, but can't wait for it already because I know - this trip is something that will be very helpful to me. I want to arrive in a good mood, oriented where I should develop myself as a person.
4) I still can't forget my girlfriend at all.
In other words, I have some kind of inner crisis because of this break up and I hope that great people over here will help me with some wise words. I want to overcome sadness, and continue to get my shit together. I hope it's possible, but sometimes I have a hard time believing this. That's why I'm asking for help.
P.S. Sorry if the text is rather big, I just wanted to make my situation and my feelings as clear as possible.
gonna meet up for tea in harvard, then go see blade runner in the theater. Afterwards we are going back to his place for his roommates bday. It was supposed to be a double date but my friend cancelled.
