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[Kaname]

I'm hopeless.
I'm totally slowly falling for my best friend, she's probably the nicest and most fun girl that I ever had the chance to spend time with in 22 years and I'm so fucking scared to ruin everything. We text pretty much everyday, see each other at University (which is where I got to know her like 6-7 months ago) all week and I can't decide wether to try and pull the trigger and ask her out or not.
I really really care about her as a friend but I can no longer fool myself that it's only just that. Whenever she's with someone else I tend to get jealous and overreact, even if I try and look around and try to interact with other girls I always realize that they mean nothing to me compared to her, not even close.
Some mutual friends already brought up the topic about why we are not dating yet since we're both single and we really get along with each other but she always got on with the bestfriends stuff and I also tried to dodge the subject as much as possible making the situation even more akward now <.<
I mean, I'm pretty much sure that even if I find the courage to ask her out or confess my feelings she'll simply decline and make things akward between us but I just can't decide about what to do. In a way I'm scared about ruining the friendship but on the other hand I think that these feelings are slowly eating me inside, and even if I try I really can't manage to suppress them.
At this point this turned out to be more of a rant that what I was expecting but I need to vent a bit, even after talking about this with my best friends.

 

[Valus]

I'm hopeless.
I'm totally slowly falling for my best friend, she's probably the nicest and most fun girl that I ever had the chance to spend time with in 22 years and I'm so fucking scared to ruin everything. We text pretty much everyday, see each other at University (which is where I got to know her like 6-7 months ago) all week and I can't decide wether to try and pull the trigger and ask her out or not.
I really really care about her as a friend but I can no longer fool myself that it's only just that. Whenever she's with someone else I tend to get jealous and overreact, even if I try and look around and try to interact with other girls I always realize that they mean nothing to me compared to her, not even close.
Some mutual friends already brought up the topic about why we are not dating yet since we're both single and we really get along with each other but she always got on with the bestfriends stuff and I also tried to dodge the subject as much as possible making the situation even more akward now <.<
I mean, I'm pretty much sure that even if I find the courage to ask her out or confess my feelings she'll simply decline and make things akward between us but I just can't decide about what to do. In a way I'm scared about ruining the friendship but on the other hand I think that these feelings are slowly eating me inside, and even if I try I really can't manage to suppress them.
At this point this turned out to be more of a rant that what I was expecting but I need to vent a bit, even after talking about this with my best friends.

How close are the two of you? How long have you been friends?

If you're truly friends, even if you confessed your feelings and she declines, if you're both mature and care about each other, you should be able to maintain friendship. The real question is: do you really want to be friends with her? Are you okay with being friends forever? You are no longer fooling yourself, so seriously ask yourself that question. For most people, the answer is no. Regardless of your answer, you should confess your feelings. Don't be paralyzed with fear and worry about ruining a friendship. A real friendship can easily be salvaged despite rejection.

Of course, you're 22 so this is probably falling on deaf ears. It would have for me when I was your age. So if you take anything from my post, it's this: CONFESS.

 

[stn]

I'm hopeless.
I mean, I'm pretty much sure that even if I find the courage to ask her out or confess my feelings she'll simply decline and make things akward between us but I just can't decide about what to do.

Can you cope with just being friends? If not, ask her out. Do not confess your feelings, just tell her the following: "Listen, we've been hanging out a long time. I think you're cute. Let me buy you dinner."

The benefit of not confessing feelings is that it will make it easier for her to make a decision, plus it will lower the level of awkwardness if she refuses. She will feel much worse if she has to reject you after you've given some long speech about how she's the woman of your dreams, as opposed to you just bluntly asking her out. The harder you make it on her to reject you, the harder it is to return to just being friends. Its your job to make this as least awkward as possible.

Good luck.

 

[Kaname]

How close are the two of you? How long have you been friends?

If you're truly friends, even if you confessed your feelings and she declines, if you're both mature and care about each other, you should be able to maintain friendship. The real question is: do you really want to be friends with her? Are you okay with being friends forever? You are no longer fooling yourself, so seriously ask yourself that question. For most people, the answer is no. Regardless of your answer, you should confess your feelings. Don't be paralyzed with fear and worry about ruining a friendship. A real friendship can easily be salvaged despite rejection.

Of course, you're 22 so this is probably falling on deaf ears. It would have for me when I was your age. So if you take anything from my post, it's this: CONFESS.

I guess we're really close, probably even too much.
It's a bit strange since I'm a huge introverted guy, generally don't get along with anyone or try to fake it just cause I can't be arsed to get into arguments with people I don't care about the slightest bit. I just had one girlfriend and I'm still a virgin, which is probably making me a bit stressed as well since she's way more easy going than me (don't know how to say it properly, since english isn't my first language) etc.
Anyway I tried with the whole just being friends thing but I realized that it worked only until I saw her again some days ago.
Should I just try to ask her out next weekend and see how it goes? I already know she's busy this week so can't really do much about that.
Straight out confessing myself will probably scare her or put her in a weird position to reply I guess.

Can you cope with just being friends? If not, ask her out. Do not confess your feelings, just tell her the following: "Listen, we've been hanging out a long time. I think you're cute. Let me buy you dinner."

The benefit of not confessing feelings is that it will make it easier for her to make a decision, plus it will lower the level of awkwardness if she refuses. She will feel much worse if she has to reject you after you've given some long speech about how she's the woman of your dreams, as opposed to you just bluntly asking her out. The harder you make it on her to reject you, the harder it is to return to just being friends. Its your job to make this as least awkward as possible.

Good luck.

Saw this a bit late.
Anyway, I see your point. The only way to not ruin everything even after making the step is trying to make it as least awkward as possible for both of us and then hope for the best.

 

[Lone_Prodigy]

Is it more of a "started out as friends but slowly realized we're perfect for each other" or a "I'm introverted and don't have many friends/prospects so I'm latching onto the closest available girl"? At the end of the day though, feelings are feelings and if you really see her as girlfriend material instead of best friend material then you should ask her out.

 

[Kaname]

Is it more of a "started out as friends but slowly realized we're perfect for each other" or a "I'm introverted and don't have many friends/prospects so I'm latching onto the closest available girl"? At the end of the day though, feelings are feelings and if you really see her as girlfriend material instead of best friend material then you should ask her out.

The first one most likely. I wouldn't bother going for the closest girl available just for the sake of it. Plus it's not like I don't have many friends, it's more like I suck at making them and not start not liking them after a while for a reason or another. For some reason everyone think that I'm friendly, funny and shit but whatever, I guess I really keep giving the wrong impression to everyone around me and I can't sort out my feelings because of that.

 

[stn]

@Kaname

As I said, just ask her out for dinner or drinks. Keep it simple and basic without all the feelings stuff. I honestly don't ever recall reading a scenario where a guy confessed his feelings to a successful outcome. Don't over-think this more than it needs to be, the solution is very simple.

 

[PflargBlarg]

For the love of everything, please do not do a big confession. It's overwhelming and is almost a 100% guarantee of scaring her away. Just ask her out like you would ask out someone that you've met a couple times and are interested in.

 

[Kaname]

For the love of everything, please do not do a big confession. It's overwhelming and is almost a 100% guarantee of scaring her away. Just ask her out like you would ask out someone that you've met a couple times and are interested in.

Nah that much I know ahah, and knowing me I'd probably fuck it up anyway...

 

[FLAguy954]

Okay, update on my communication situation: my girlfriend is sending me those short 'I don't feel like talking to you' replies today. She then ends the conversation by saying she doesn't want to talk to me until we meet up this weekend. What the hell?

EDIT: She's now saying that she is upset and 'doesn't feel like dealing with my parameters.' *sigh*

 

[gosox333]

gf's cat died

I've (luckily) never dealt with loss like this of any kind in a relationship till now

I've told her I'm there for her and texted her some feelbetter thing, but I've been getting quick one word responses all day. I can tell she's devastated

should I try and call her? Leaver her be? I have absolutely no idea what to do and I'm so freaked out of accidentally making it worse.

 

[NeOak]

gf's cat died

I've (luckily) never dealt with loss like this of any kind in a relationship till now

I've told her I'm there for her and texted her some feelbetter thing, but I've been getting quick one word responses all day. I can tell she's devastated

should I try and call her? Leaver her be? I have absolutely no idea what to do and I'm so freaked out of accidentally making it worse.

I would suggest you give her a call before she is supposed to go to bed. She will be more "free" to talk.

 

[davepoobond]

Okay, update on my communication situation: my girlfriend is sending me those short 'I don't feel like talking to you' replies today. She then ends the conversation by saying she doesn't want to talk to me until we meet up this weekend. What the hell?

EDIT: She's now saying that she is upset and 'doesn't feel like dealing with my parameters.' *sigh*

Honestly it sounds like she is trying to find an out. Unless this is out of context of something else going on.

 

[FaintColt388301]

Okay, update on my communication situation: my girlfriend is sending me those short 'I don't feel like talking to you' replies today. She then ends the conversation by saying she doesn't want to talk to me until we meet up this weekend. What the hell?

EDIT: She's now saying that she is upset and 'doesn't feel like dealing with my parameters.' *sigh*

Just wait and talk to her in person. It'll be better that way. Having serious talks through text is an awful idea.

Not a good sign obviously but if she is completely unwilling to compromise on this then that just shows you something about her. If she was really in to the relationship I cant imagine this being a deal breaker. Something else might be wrong and this set her off.

Be nice though. I don't know how you talk to her but she seems super upset so you don't want to be aggressive and defensive. Be understanding, see her point of view, make it known that you care and all that.

Good luck with everything.

 

[FLAguy954]

Yeah, I'm just going to give her space until this weekend. Then we can talk about it in person.

 

[Raxious]

The first one most likely. I wouldn't bother going for the closest girl available just for the sake of it. Plus it's not like I don't have many friends, it's more like I suck at making them and not start not liking them after a while for a reason or another. For some reason everyone think that I'm friendly, funny and shit but whatever, I guess I really keep giving the wrong impression to everyone around me and I can't sort out my feelings because of that.

As has been said, just ask her out for drinks.

I'm still not to sure how I'm feeling about my rejection. I'm pretty much cool with it, but slightly annoyed at the same time.

Like the bus rides, and getting out of the bus just to ride 3 minutes with me to talk etc. Even her text back states "there's this pleasant click" between us, yet mentions she's in a almost not entirely sure on how to call it kind of relationship and it wouldn't be a good idea for the two of us to go for drinks.

If this is how it tends to be regarding dating, I might as well quit now. Shit's confusing

 

[PflargBlarg]

As has been said, just ask her out for drinks.

I'm still not to sure how I'm feeling about my rejection. I'm pretty much cool with it, but slightly annoyed at the same time.

Like the bus rides, and getting out of the bus just to ride 3 minutes with me to talk etc. Even her text back states "there's this pleasant click" between us, yet mentions she's in a almost not entirely sure on how to call it kind of relationship and it wouldn't be a good idea for the two of us to go for drinks.

If this is how it tends to be regarding dating, I might as well quit now. Shit's confusing

I think you just got unlucky in the timing. If she was unattached right now you would be in on that so fast.

 

[stn]

Eh, I'm not convinced. Someone who says they're "kind of in a relationship" probably just isn't comfortable or good enough at lying about it. Chances are he threw her off guard with his invite and she scrambled to make up the story. The way I see it there's no middle-ground to being in a relationship, you either are or you aren't.

Raxious - you were placing too much emphasis on her minor actions. A girl wanting to take the bus with you might just see you as good company, for example. The best way to solve this in the future is to not think about it. But wait, you're wondering how you're supposed to tell whether a girl is into you or not? You're not supposed to care. If you like a girl, just ask her out. Who cares what you think she thinks? You make a move and then move on after the outcome.

 

[Raxious]

Eh, I'm not convinced. Someone who says they're "kind of in a relationship" probably just isn't comfortable or good enough at lying about it. Chances are he threw her off guard with his invite and she scrambled to make up the story. The way I see it there's no middle-ground to being in a relationship, you either are or you aren't.

Raxious - you were placing too much emphasis on her minor actions. A girl wanting to take the bus with you might just see you as good company, for example. The best way to solve this in the future is to not think about it. But wait, you're wondering how you're supposed to tell whether a girl is into you or not? You're not supposed to care. If you like a girl, just ask her out. Who cares what you think she thinks? You make a move and then move on after the outcome.

If that's the case then so be it. Though I'd like to believe she didn't lie. But as I said before, I expected nothing when I asked her to get a drink sometime.

Curious how it's gonna be now, maybe she'll pretend nothing happened or she'll just start ignoring me. Who knows.

 

[Glass Rebel]

Found out that this girl I almost hooked up with was (probably) planning to use me to make her now-bf jealous. Pretty glad I messed up that one time and doubly glad I didn't take her to her place when she was drunk.

Now I got a different "problem" with this girl I asked out around December who only wanted to go out "as friends". It was no biggie to me and we've been in contact since then (with some ups and downs) but about a week ago coinciding with her birthday she started behaving a bit differently. I'm not one to read too deeply into stuff, especially not with her, but there's only so much I can brush aside without feeling like she's teasing me and it's pretty weird. I won't act like I'm not interested in her anymore but I don't feel like engaging her either, not at the risk of risking the friendship or looking like a fool. There's a ton more backstory that I could share if anyone is interested but that's about the size of it.

 

[stn]

There's a ton more backstory that I could share if anyone is interested but that's about the size of it.

I'd definitely need more info if you're looking for advice. Feel free to share, I'll give a reply the moment I see it.

 

[Glass Rebel]

I'd definitely need more info if you're looking for advice. Feel free to share, I'll give a reply the moment I see it.

Yeah, I'm not even sure if I'm looking for any advice per se but some different perspective would be appreciated. Attention, lots of unnecessary details following.

I think I've shared how we met and how it came to me asking her out before so I'll keep it short: I met her in a class, didn't really feel her at first, but after we randomly ran into each other at the library and ended up talking for hours to each other. Had some more contact afterwards. I got interested, thought she might be too so I asked her out on a date. She said she'd be up for dinner but only as friends. I said I was cool with that. I think she was avoiding me for a while and things were weird for a week or two but normalized by the end of the semester. That was around December.

Both of us were busy over the holidays but after New Years she asked me whether I was free and we agreed to meet on the 8th. A few days later when we were chatting to each other I noticed that she wasn't her usual positive self and found out that she wanted to buy some shark plushie at IKEA but couldn't find it. Me being me I hit the IKEA page and found out that one of the stores still had them in stock but it was 2h away by car and she doesn't drive so I suggested we take a trip the day after our dinner together and also go on some sightseeing. Mind you, I didn't have any ulterior motives here and since she offered to pay for the parking and lunch I thought it would turn out ok. Ultimately, we ended up spending the entire morning and afternoon and it was pretty fun... aside from one thing. During lunch she mentioned that the mood in her Japanese study group (consisting of her and two dudes) was rather awkward because one of them had confessed to her and she had rejected him. She quickly changed the topic though, as if she had only then realized who she was talking to. I noticed that she felt uncomfortable so I didn't press it any further. Problem is that she mentioned it at least three times in the same way in the span of a week so I finally spoke up and told her that I have no problem listening to that story if she wants to tell it and that she's only making things weird. What followed was a 1.5h phonecall of her apologizing under tears and saying that she didn't want to hurt my feelings, that she was afraid of taking advantage of me without realizing it and me trying to reassure her that I would let neither happen. I might have gone overboard when I tried to convince her that I didn't take her only wanting to be friends as badly as she thought and I even mentioned the girl from the previous post but it's not like I was lying. I somehow managed to end the call on a happy note but when I asked her a few days later whether she wanted to hang out again sometime she told me that it was difficult for her to deal with "engaging and enthusiastic" people like me and that she needed a bit of a break. I admit that I felt a bit slighted initially but I gave her the space she needed and dialed down the messaging. The result was her messaging me more often and sometimes in the middle of the night but I didn't really think any of it. This was until two weeks ago.

Last week she invited me to her birthday party on the weekend but I couldn't make it since I already had made plans ages ago. One day before her birthday we had a lecture together and I brought her her present but joked that she wasn't allowed to open it until midnight. My lecture after that was cancelled and I convinced her to skip hers to hang out with me at the lake. We stuck around for far longer than initially planned and during those 2+ hourse she made me take a Myers-Briggs test (we were the same type) and made a few favourable comments about my looks and my body (I did work out over the break so thanks to her for noticing) that stuck with me but again, I didn't say anything. Eventually we decided to call it a day and she asked me whether I had been serious about her having to wait until midnight to open her present. I told her that she could open it now if she wanted to and that it was kinda shitty anyway. And it really was. I had gotten her into Fullmetal Alchemist a while ago and I knew she loved Roy Mustang and collected figurines so I got her a crappy Roy Mustang figurine. And to my surprise she loved it and told me I should have brought it to the party and that she'd have "sent everyone else home". Again, I didn't want to read too much into it and didn't say shit. Yesterday we had the same lecture again and once again it was her talking reckless, taking a pic of me during the lecture etc. We went to the library afterwards and this shit went on like when I told her her that my brother is leaving for San Fran in less than a month and that I'm looking for people to replace him while he's away for the stuff we usually do, like fighting shirtless. She said she'd be up for some fighting but I pretty much ignored it.

As I said, I'm not the type to read too much into this stuff but it becomes difficult to just gloss over when it happens constantly during the limited time we spend with each other. I mean, I asked her out once. She knows that I'm into her. I'm also not sure how to "test" her without being either too flirty or too dismissive. So now I'm basically just being the good friend I am and waiting for something to happen. Or not.

 

[stn]

What followed was a 1.5h phonecall of her apologizing under tears and saying that she didn't want to hurt my feelings, that she was afraid of taking advantage of me without realizing it and me trying to reassure her that I would let neither happen.

She said she'd be up for some fighting but I pretty much ignored it.

She knows that I'm into her.

I took out the parts that I think were most important. She was into you but became guilty because she assumed that all your actions were based on trying to make her become more than a friend (i.e. giving gifts, hanging out constantly, etc...). However, you basically told her it was "okay" after your phone call. She's acting the way she is now because you gave her room to do so without wondering whether she is leading you on. She is ultimately following what you said during the phone call.

The last sentence I quoted is the most important, however. She knows you like her. Yet you guys are not dating or banging. That should tell you all you need to know. Its a lost cause, you've basically just become a really good friend that she can push boundaries with because she's received your consent.

Women will go after someone they like and are into. Lots of guys don't give women enough credit and just assume that they need to convince them that they are worthy of being liked (not saying this is you, just making a general point). Its really late and I am completely exhausted, will reply tomorrow in case you respond to this.

 

[Glass Rebel]

I took out the parts that I think were most important. She was into you but became guilty because she assumed that all your actions were based on trying to make her become more than a friend (i.e. giving gifts, hanging out constantly, etc...). However, you basically told her it was "okay" after your phone call. She's acting the way she is now because you gave her room to do so without wondering whether she is leading you on. She is ultimately following what you said during the phone call.

The last sentence I quoted is the most important, however. She knows you like her. Yet you guys are not dating or banging. That should tell you all you need to know. Its a lost cause, you've basically just become a really good friend that she can push boundaries with because she's received your consent.

Women will go after someone they like and are into. Lots of guys don't give women enough credit and just assume that they need to convince them that they are worthy of being liked (not saying this is you, just making a general point). Its really late and I am completely exhausted, will reply tomorrow in case you respond to this.

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, this is pretty much in line with what I think is happening, although I'm not sure if she was into me to begin with. It's a bit disappointing to know that she's basically "misusing" this friendship to push boundaries as you say but I guess I brought this on myself. Guess I'll have to somehow make her understand that it's starting to make me uncomfortable.

 

[stn]

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, this is pretty much in line with what I think is happening, although I'm not sure if she was into me to begin with. It's a bit disappointing to know that she's basically "misusing" this friendship to push boundaries as you say but I guess I brought this on myself. Guess I'll have to somehow make her understand that it's starting to make me uncomfortable.

Yeah, dude, my bad. When I wrote "she's into you" it was a total typo, I meant *not into. Sorry for the confusion, I just spotted it now!!!

 

[Fuchs]

Hey guys! I'm not actively looking for advice or anything. Right now I feel I just need to vent, but would deeply appreciate any comments =)

So alongside my studies I'm currently working part-time at a local cinema where I have this female co-worker, who I really get along with very nicely and I like pretty much.
So unfortunately there's this male co-worker who has a huge crush on her, which I found out way to late, although the whole staff seemed to know this, even her (and she already rejected him several times, but is still very friendly to him and thinks they are on good terms) He occasionally made comments about her nice physique etc, which initally didn't make me think he actually wanted to hook up with her. Welp.

So, last week after work we went to go clubbing with a few other co-workers. As time went by, she and I were dancing seperated from the group and got very close. Keep in mind, at this time I wasn't aware of his strong feelings for her, so yeah, the both of us were enjoying ourselves, but there was no kissing involved or anything. At the end of the night as we were heading to the station another co-worker told me about this guys feelings for her, which made me feel pretty shitty. After I made sure that she got home safely (she was latching on my arm the whole way - can you say that? sry, I'm not a native speaker) I texted that guy, that I was sorry for dancing with her, of course and I didn't know about his feelings for her. I know how shitty one can feel in the position he was in, we all can to some degree.
The next morning he replied, that he wasn't mad at me and that we'd be okay. So, that's what I thought until yesterday...

Just as last week the same group of people, including me, that guy and her, went to go drinking in a few bars.

The night went nicely, but as the dude got more and more drunk he started to make passive aggressive comments about me dancing with her and even asked me, if I knew how much a could benchpress, etc. I actually liked that guy, but man, what a douche!
I wasn't in a mood for such douchebaggery and I definitely wasn't looking for a fight.That guy is pretty swole and could beat me with a single punch.

This resulted in me avoiding him and especially her, which I regret in retrospect. First she got really close and even tried to sit on my lap (to draw my attention to her, I guess), which she stopped a little later, because of the guy watching the both of us and wanting to talk to her. As you can imagine this was terribly unnerving for me.

Later that night I left the group to meet up with some fellow students, said good bye to everyone, even to the guy, who only threw an angry look at me. She on the other hand gave me a kiss on the cheek in private (probably to not further hurt his feelings), which he saw, I think.

I dunno, guys. I started to develop feelings for her, but I'm very hesitant to aks her out, even though I might have good chance of hooking up.
This morning I texted her, if she got home well later that night. Got a reply, that she was okay and asked me the same. I answered, but still haven't received a reply, though she already read it. I'm not sure if should still text her then.

I'm still struggling with a brutal hangover, so pls understand my grammar and spelling.

 

[Howard Ballou]

Hey guys! I'm not actively looking for advice or anything. Right now I feel I just need to vent, but would deeply appreciate any comments =)

So alongside my studies I'm currently working part-time at a local cinema where I have this female co-worker, who I really get along with very nicely and I like pretty much.
So unfortunately there's this male co-worker who has a huge crush on her, which I found out way to late, although the whole staff seemed to know this, even her (and she already rejected him several times, but is still very friendly to him and thinks they are on good terms) He occasionally made comments about her nice physique etc, which initally didn't make me think he actually wanted to hook up with her. Welp.

So, last week after work we went to go clubbing with a few other co-workers. As time went by, she and I were dancing seperated from the group and got very close. Keep in mind, at this time I wasn't aware of his strong feelings for her, so yeah, the both of us were enjoying ourselves, but there was no kissing involved or anything. At the end of the night as we were heading to the station another co-worker told me about this guys feelings for her, which made me feel pretty shitty. After I made sure that she got home safely (she was latching on my arm the whole way - can you say that? sry, I'm not a native speaker) I texted that guy, that I was sorry for dancing with her, of course and I didn't know about his feelings for her. I know how shitty one can feel in the position he was in, we all can to some degree.
The next morning he replied, that he wasn't mad at me and that we'd be okay. So, that's what I thought until yesterday...

Just as last week the same group of people, including me, that guy and her, went to go drinking in a few bars.

The night went nicely, but as the dude got more and more drunk he started to make passive aggressive comments about me dancing with her and even asked me, if I knew how much a could benchpress, etc. I actually liked that guy, but man, what a douche!
I wasn't in a mood for such douchebaggery and I definitely wasn't looking for a fight.That guy is pretty swole and could beat me with a single punch.

This resulted in me avoiding him and especially her, which I regret in retrospect. First she got really close and even tried to sit on my lap (to draw my attention to her, I guess), which she stopped a little later, because of the guy watching the both of us and wanting to talk to her. As you can imagine this was terribly unnerving for me.

Later that night I left the group to meet up with some fellow students, said good bye to everyone, even to the guy, who only threw an angry look at me. She on the other hand gave me a kiss on the cheek in private (probably to not further hurt his feelings), which he saw, I think.

I dunno, guys. I started to develop feelings for her, but I'm very hesitant to aks her out, even though I might have good chance of hooking up.
This morning I texted her, if she got home well later that night. Got a reply, that she was okay and asked me the same. I answered, but still haven't received a reply, though she already read it. I'm not sure if should still text her then.

I'm still struggling with a brutal hangover, so pls understand my grammar and spelling.

Don't really see the issue here, ask her out. Not your problem if some other guy doesn't like it.

 

[GK86]

Unless he was a good friend, I don't see the point in texting the dude.

If you like her, go for it. She has already rejected him. He took his shot and missed.

 

[Fuchs]

Don't really see the issue here, ask her out. Not your problem if some other guy doesn't like it.

Sure, that's what I'm planning to do, but I'm still very cautious. She is an extremely friendly and open person, who is very touchy-feely to a lot of people and I'm afraid I might be overinterpreting her actions.

Unless he was a good friend, I don't see the point in texting the dude.

I felt obligated to text him because I initaly thought he was a nice dude and I'm working with him pretty often.

 

[electricshake]

Advice on when to bust out the l word? Together since end of November. Never actually said it to anyone before so kind of nervous about it. Cheers lads!

 

[GK86]

Advice on when to bust out the l word? Together since end of November. Never actually said it to anyone before so kind of nervous about it. Cheers lads!

I think it is one of those things you say/do when you feel it is right.

 

[stn]

@Fuchs

You shouldn't have apologized to that guy, he certainly wouldn't apologize to you if the roles were reversed. I do have a few concerns, however. There is a possibility that your lady-friend has been friendly with you because of the attention she's getting from that guy. Its very possible she was using you (ex. lap sitting) to make him jealous, and then only stopped because she realized that he could hurt you.

What you need to do is just ask her out. If her flirting is real then she'll be thrilled. Also, you need to make it clear that you do not want to hangout when he's around. He sounds like a meat head. The beauty of it is that he's making your chances with her higher due to him being... well, an idiot. What he's doing is exactly what a guy should never do when pursuing a girl. Next time he mentions bench pressing or whatever, just calmly tell him that he's only competing with himself.

@electricshake

When the time is right, you'll know it. Happy for you, good luck!

 

[Gotdatmoney]

What followed was a 1.5h phonecall of her apologizing under tears and saying that she didn't want to hurt my feelings, that she was afraid of taking advantage of me without realizing it and me trying to reassure her that I would let neither happen. I might have gone overboard when I tried to convince her that I didn't take her only wanting to be friends as badly as she thought and I even mentioned the girl from the previous post but it's not like I was lying.

This sticks out to me. Unless someone is your dating, the person is your utter best friend or you're family, don't have long ass phone conversations. Especially with girls you like. Why do you need 90 minutes to get an apology out of the way? Don't ever do this with a girl again if you're not a thing. It never ends well. Don't reassure a girl you're interested in about your intent. Just make what you're interested in plainly obvious so there is no confusion and don't do things that will blur that line. If you want to date a girl, tell her that.

I personally am of the philosophy that you shouldn't settle. If you want to take a girl on a date and she says she will go but only as friends, just call it off. If you want a legitimate date, why should you settle? You're not gaining points by folding at the first sign of resistance. I think this one is a lost cause bro, just slowly distance yourself, move on to bigger and better things.

 

[stn]

This sticks out to me.

100000000% agree with everything you said.

 

[Glass Rebel]

This sticks out to me. Unless someone is your dating, the person is your utter best friend or you're family, don't have long ass phone conversations. Especially with girls you like. Why do you need 90 minutes to get an apology out of the way? Don't ever do this with a girl again if you're not a thing. It never ends well. Don't reassure a girl you're interested in about your intent. Just make what you're interested in plainly obvious so there is no confusion and don't do things that will blur that line. If you want to date a girl, tell her that.

It's not like I was trying to keep her on the phone. I was constantly trying to wrap it up but she kept bringing up new stuff from her past, how conflicted she was etc. I didn't want to be an asshole and cut her short while she's crying but it was weird for me the whole way through because I really didn't see it as such a big deal. It always struck me as strange that I took her rejection better than she did me asking her out (I think I even mentioned this weeks ago in this thread). I asked her out because I thought we could become more than friends but I didn't want to just cut off all contact because she didn't see things the same way.

I personally am of the philosophy that you shouldn't settle. If you want to take a girl on a date and she says she will go but only as friends, just call it off. If you want a legitimate date, why should you settle? You're not gaining points by folding at the first sign of resistance. I think this one is a lost cause bro, just slowly distance yourself, move on to bigger and better things.

I think all things considered, I moved on pretty quickly? Two days after asking this girl out I made plans to go out with that other chick. Maybe I wasn't clear but the moment she said that she only wanted to go out as friends, things were pretty much done from my point of view. I didn't make an effort to "win her over" or something and it's been mostly her contacting me for the last 2 months. We have the same courses and similar interests and she's fun to be around so we hang out from time to time. I'm not even doing anthing. To me this is a simple friendship but her recent behaviour is straining it.

 

[Gotdatmoney]

It's not like I was trying to keep her on the phone. I was constantly trying to wrap it up but she kept bringing up new stuff from her past, how conflicted she was etc. I didn't want to be an asshole and cut her short while she's crying but it was weird for me the whole way through because I really didn't see it as such a big deal. It always struck me as strange that I took her rejection better than she did me asking her out (I think I even mentioned this weeks ago in this thread). I asked her out because I thought we could become more than friends but I didn't want to just cut off all contact because she didn't see things the same way.

I think my bigger point here is you shouldn't need to listen to 90 mins of rambling from someone who is not a pillar in your life. You don't need to be nice about it, it's not being an asshole to stand up for yourself and say that you get she's sorry but you can't be on the phone any longer and you don't really want to discuss this any further. You described it as reassuring her which is why I am saying this. You shouldn't reassure her of anything because you don't owe her anything. Whether you wanna cut contact or stay friends is your call, but personally, I would since this girl seems like no good.

I think all things considered, I moved on pretty quickly? Two days after asking this girl out I made plans to go out with that other chick. Maybe I wasn't clear but the moment she said that she only wanted to go out as friends, things were pretty much done from my point of view. I didn't make an effort to "win her over" or something and it's been mostly her contacting me for the last 2 months. We have the same courses and similar interests and she's fun to be around so we hang out from time to time. I'm not even doing anthing. To me this is a simple friendship but her recent behaviour is straining it.

Then you're good but I mean, again my major point is why settle? Why even take the "as friends" invitation to begin with? There are so many cool people out there that you can be friends with and enjoy contacting and have awesome mutual drama free relationships with. If she's straining your friendship why have a friendship? Just my thoughts.

 

[Harmen]

Gaf! I have a question for you guys as well.

I recently met a girl on a party. She's a friend of the girlfriend of a guy I know pretty well. Well, I actually already met her a few times througout the years but I was either dating another girl at the time, busy with someone else or it did not occur to me. But for whatever reason I really liked our conversation this time, she stood out like a fun person. I was going to ask for her number, but there was a fight and the party died with it.

I think hanging out with her could be fun, but honestly am not sure how to approach this. She is actually one of those random people in my friendlist on fb that I barely know, so I do have the means to send her a personal message. Never did this stuff via the internet (or anything digital, in fact), which seems like my only option in this case. Also not sure if she is even single, but no signs of a relationship as well.

So how would you guys approach this? Just send something along the lines of me enjoying our conversation and if she would like to hang out sometime? Any tips in doing so? Additionally, this is also the first time I consider to hang out with a girl that I almost do not know at all on a personal level.

EDIT:

Read some of the above story. I Agree with this guy:

I think my bigger point here is you shouldn't need to listen to 90 mins of rambling from someone who is not a pillar in your life. You don't need to be nice about it, it's not being an asshole to stand up for yourself and say that you get she's sorry but you can't be on the phone any longer and you don't really want to discuss this any further. You described it as reassuring her which is why I am saying this. You shouldn't reassure her of anything because you don't owe her anything. Whether you wanna cut contact or stay friends is your call, but personally, I would since this girl seems like no good.

Then you're good but I mean, again my major point is why settle? Why even take the "as friends" invitation to begin with? There are so many cool people out there that you can be friends with and enjoy contacting and have awesome mutual drama free relationships with. If she's straining your friendship why have a friendship? Just my thoughts.

 

[Jokab]

Gaf! I have a question for you guys as well.

I recently met a girl on a party. She's a friend of the girlfriend of a guy I know pretty well. Well, I actually already met her a few times througout the years but I was either dating another girl at the time, busy with someone else or it did not occur to me. But for whatever reason I really liked our conversation this time, she stood out like a fun person. I was going to ask for her number, but there was a fight and the party died with it.

I think hanging out with her could be fun, but honestly am not sure how to approach this. She is actually one of those random people in my friendlist on fb that I barely know, so I do have the means to send her a personal message. Never did this stuff via the internet (or anything digital, in fact), which seems like my only option in this case. Also not sure if she is even single, but no signs of a relationship as well.

So how would you guys approach this? Just send something along the lines of me enjoying our conversation and if she would like to hang out sometime? Any tips in doing so? Additionally, this is also the first time I consider to hang out with a girl that I almost do not know at all on a personal level.

EDIT:

Read some of the above story. I Agree with this guy:

Yeah definitely, just tell her that you enjoyed the times you've met and that you'd like to meet her for coffee or something.

 

[Glass Rebel]

I think my bigger point here is you shouldn't need to listen to 90 mins of rambling from someone who is not a pillar in your life. You don't need to be nice about it, it's not being an asshole to stand up for yourself and say that you get she's sorry but you can't be on the phone any longer and you don't really want to discuss this any further. You described it as reassuring her which is why I am saying this. You shouldn't reassure her of anything because you don't owe her anything. Whether you wanna cut contact or stay friends is your call, but personally, I would since this girl seems like no good.

Then you're good but I mean, again my major point is why settle? Why even take the "as friends" invitation to begin with? There are so many cool people out there that you can be friends with and enjoy contacting and have awesome mutual drama free relationships with. If she's straining your friendship why have a friendship? Just my thoughts.

Yeah, I'm terrible at cutting off people out of my life, even when I probably should. I'll see how things develop, after the newest events I've taken some distance but we're bound to meet next week. Thanks for the input.

 

[Prologue]

lady gf got upset for me making friend outing after our date(haven't seen each other in two weeks). Said it was in a timed box. Justified?

 

[Rest]

So I saw the girl I asked out at the coffee shop again. It seems now she's even more friendly. In the past I've seen a rejection turn into this big uncomfortable thing, so I'm glad it's not a negative issue, but I'm not really sure how to read someone being nicer and seeming happier to see me after they said they wouldn't go out with me.

Maybe I gave her a confidence boost, and there's a positive association? Maybe she is uncomfortable and is over compensating in her behavior? Maybe she's just actually friendlier to regulars she sees a lot?

lady gf got upset for me making friend outing after our date(haven't seen each other in two weeks). Said it was in a timed box. Justified?

I don't think so. Your time is your time, it's not her business how you spend it. You're an adult.

 

[Fuchs]

I've been texting with her the since friday, but I slowly get the feeling she isn't interested =/
It isn't getting any more deeper than regular smalltalk and her replies tend to be really brief. Time to move on, I suppose.

 

[Salamando]

Don't quite know what to make of the girl I just started dating. So many things going on that I'm not sure are actual "cracks" in the relationship, or if they're just me trying to find fault since I'm so used to being alone.

- She never offers to pay for anything. Every other girl I've went out with, there was a little dance to it...first date, she offers to pitch in, I tell her "i've got this"...third date, I get the tickets while she gets popcorn. So far we're four dates in, and she's never even tried to pay.

- She's admitted to finding guys on Tinder for the sole purpose of making out (before we went out). Mentioned how she went out with one guy for two months, how easy it was to control him because she didn't really like him. And she was doing this because she had her first kiss earlier in the year (she's mid 20's), and wanted to make up for all the fun she had missed.

- She's Christian. Very very Christian. Bible verse as her phone's wallpaper, church every Sunday, works at the local christian TV channel levels of Christian. Meanwhile I'm agnostic.

- Professional lives look to take us to different geographic areas. She's said she'd like to move to NYC or LA for her career (TV writer/producer), as soon as July of this year if she could make it. I'd much rather go somewhere with reasonable living expenses and a good tech industry.

- And intimacy has been very frustrating for me. Internal conflicts (religion) has limited what she'd do to me, but she's still fine letting me do stuff to her. I mean, she's tried, but there was so much weirdness beforehand (sorry for the pun) that I had to just stop her. The crazy thing is she has a high drive. We watched a 90 minute movie and she jumped me twice.

That's my dilemma. We get along great and have many similar interests, but a few of those points have me thinking she's a selfish person. And if she admitted to using other guys, could I be being used too? Am I just trying to break up with her because I'm used to being alone? Do I know I should break up with her, but am trying to rationalize reasons not to, because I don't want to be alone? Ugh, my head is so confused right now.

 

[PflargBlarg]

Don't quite know what to make of the girl I just started dating. So many things going on that I'm not sure are actual "cracks" in the relationship, or if they're just me trying to find fault since I'm so used to being alone.

- She never offers to pay for anything. Every other girl I've went out with, there was a little dance to it...first date, she offers to pitch in, I tell her "i've got this"...third date, I get the tickets while she gets popcorn. So far we're four dates in, and she's never even tried to pay.

- She's admitted to finding guys on Tinder for the sole purpose of making out (before we went out). Mentioned how she went out with one guy for two months, how easy it was to control him because she didn't really like him. And she was doing this because she had her first kiss earlier in the year (she's mid 20's), and wanted to make up for all the fun she had missed.

- She's Christian. Very very Christian. Bible verse as her phone's wallpaper, church every Sunday, works at the local christian TV channel levels of Christian. Meanwhile I'm agnostic.

- Professional lives look to take us to different geographic areas. She's said she'd like to move to NYC or LA for her career (TV writer/producer), as soon as July of this year if she could make it. I'd much rather go somewhere with reasonable living expenses and a good tech industry.

- And intimacy has been very frustrating for me. Internal conflicts (religion) has limited what she'd do to me, but she's still fine letting me do stuff to her. I mean, she's tried, but there was so much weirdness beforehand (sorry for the pun) that I had to just stop her. The crazy thing is she has a high drive. We watched a 90 minute movie and she jumped me twice.

That's my dilemma. We get along great and have many similar interests, but a few of those points have me thinking she's a selfish person. And if she admitted to using other guys, could I be being used too? Am I just trying to break up with her because I'm used to being alone? Do I know I should break up with her, but am trying to rationalize reasons not to, because I don't want to be alone? Ugh, my head is so confused right now.

From the information here, she really does not sound like a good fit for you. Do with that information what you will. I'm pretty sure I'd drop her, especially for that tidbit about Tinder. And she seems to have some cognitive dissonance with her desires and her religion. Weird.

 

[DarkChronic]

- She's admitted to finding guys on Tinder for the sole purpose of making out (before we went out). Mentioned how she went out with one guy for two months, how easy it was to control him because she didn't really like him. And she was doing this because she had her first kiss earlier in the year (she's mid 20's), and wanted to make up for all the fun she had missed.

Dude, what??? If someone said this to me, I'd bail immediately. Why would you want to be with someone like that?

 

[Salamando]

From the information here, she really does not sound like a good fit for you. Do with that information what you will. I'm pretty sure I'd drop her, especially for that tidbit about Tinder. And she seems to have some cognitive dissonance with her desires and her religion. Weird.

Judging from the precedent set in most GAF threads, I should ignore all advice, charge headfirst into a bad situation, and make another post when I realize GAF was right.

And there's definitely some cognitive dissonance there.

Dude, what??? If someone said this to me, I'd bail immediately. Why would you want to be with someone like that?

Trying to type out how I rationalized it, it all seemed like nonsense. I thought she didn't necessarily mean "control", she just likes being a dominant force. But she clearly said she didn't care about the guy, that she was using him to have fun with. Which I guess I didn't see anything wrong with two adults just having adult fun? Though if I talked to that guy, bet I'd get an entirely different story.

 

[Nightbird]

Guys, i'm back!
After two months, we finished our Relationship because it was nothing. Well, we are still going to stay in contact and write to each other sometimes, but this Relationship is done, one and for all.

Fun

Spoiler

(or rather sad)

Fact: With 2 Months, this is the longest Relationship i ever had, with the other 4 going on for around 3-4 Weeks each before being finished.

That's an improvement!

 

[Gotdatmoney]

Don't quite know what to make of the girl I just started dating. So many things going on that I'm not sure are actual "cracks" in the relationship, or if they're just me trying to find fault since I'm so used to being alone.

- She never offers to pay for anything. Every other girl I've went out with, there was a little dance to it...first date, she offers to pitch in, I tell her "i've got this"...third date, I get the tickets while she gets popcorn. So far we're four dates in, and she's never even tried to pay.

- She's admitted to finding guys on Tinder for the sole purpose of making out (before we went out). Mentioned how she went out with one guy for two months, how easy it was to control him because she didn't really like him. And she was doing this because she had her first kiss earlier in the year (she's mid 20's), and wanted to make up for all the fun she had missed.

- She's Christian. Very very Christian. Bible verse as her phone's wallpaper, church every Sunday, works at the local christian TV channel levels of Christian. Meanwhile I'm agnostic.

- Professional lives look to take us to different geographic areas. She's said she'd like to move to NYC or LA for her career (TV writer/producer), as soon as July of this year if she could make it. I'd much rather go somewhere with reasonable living expenses and a good tech industry.

- And intimacy has been very frustrating for me. Internal conflicts (religion) has limited what she'd do to me, but she's still fine letting me do stuff to her. I mean, she's tried, but there was so much weirdness beforehand (sorry for the pun) that I had to just stop her. The crazy thing is she has a high drive. We watched a 90 minute movie and she jumped me twice.

That's my dilemma. We get along great and have many similar interests, but a few of those points have me thinking she's a selfish person. And if she admitted to using other guys, could I be being used too? Am I just trying to break up with her because I'm used to being alone? Do I know I should break up with her, but am trying to rationalize reasons not to, because I don't want to be alone? Ugh, my head is so confused right now.

Run now, before it is too late. This one seems mighty . . . not gf material. Also, I don't see anything wrong if you pay for the first date, but you should not be paying for everything. That's silly. If you do hang on to her that has to stop.

 

[stn]

@Salamando

Dude, I think you know what needs to be done. What I'm wondering is how she can claim to be Christian and then go and use people. I may not be very religious but I at least learned to be humble and respectful through it. Like, fuck, that's the most basic part of it! Just cease contact and find someone better!

 

[Exploding8]

So I had an absolutely amazing first date last night. Best date ever, let alone best first date. We had some drinks, had some nice conversation, she was pretty witty which made things fun. After our second round she asked if I wanted to go to another bar nearby to share a fishbowl of Long Island Iced Tea and to try those 36 questions that are supposed to make you fall in love. It was getting a bit late at that point but I accepted. It was awesome, we were both having a really great time, she was really smart and fun to talk to and beautiful. We went through the 36 questions, which really helped us open up to each other, the progression is pretty great with them. We both agreed we had an amazing time; I kissed her a couple times after we finished the 36 questions, and she gave me her number (she didn't want to give me it before she met me, we set the date up on OKC and she actually messaged me first). I walked her home, and we made out briefly outside of her dorm. I was sure I would see her again, I genuinely had an awesome time and she seemed to genuinely enjoy herself too.

I texted her this morning and she said she had a great time last night. Then I asked if she would want to go out again kinda jokingly, cause I just assumed she'd definitely want to have another date since last night was so much fun. But she said that she realized she still hasn't gotten over a relationship she got out of a couple months ago, and she doesn't want to string me along even though she had such a great time. Normally I'd say that's that, but I really felt like we had chemistry which I haven't really found before on OKC. So I told her that, said that I want to help her move on, and that I think dating would help her move on (obviously not so bluntly).

I'm waiting for a reply right now. I don't really expect it to work, and I didn't expect anything when I sent the text. But I figure it was worth a shot, since I won't see her again either way. Hopefully she'll give this a chance. That was the first date that I can say I genuinely enjoyed, didn't feel like I was struggling to keep the conversation going or to make a good impression, it was just all around a great time. It sucks, I was so sure this one might actually turn into something.