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Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.
- Thread starter Septimius
- Start date
- Status
I find it strange that ever since my last real relationship, I've yet to go out with any woman that really sparks something in me. It's been almost a year since my break up (cheated on me after 3 years) and I still find myself thinking about her sometimes.
I try not to compare any girl I go out with to her specifically, but do end up comparing how they've made me feel, at least. I'm currently seeing two girls as I mentioned before and while I like them both, neither of them have yet to really "pull ahead" of the other in terms of showing me they are the better choice. And neither of them really invoke any real passion in me. I don't find myself thinking about them constantly, super excited to see them, or anything like that. And I feel like I should be.
Sometimes I feel like something broke inside of me after my last relationship. I've subconsciously built up a huge barricade around my heart to heal the wound my ex dealt me, and now I'm afraid of letting anyone in. I don't know how to deal with this, and am constantly doubting myself. It really sucks how badly love can hurt you.
I try not to compare any girl I go out with to her specifically, but do end up comparing how they've made me feel, at least. I'm currently seeing two girls as I mentioned before and while I like them both, neither of them have yet to really "pull ahead" of the other in terms of showing me they are the better choice. And neither of them really invoke any real passion in me. I don't find myself thinking about them constantly, super excited to see them, or anything like that. And I feel like I should be.
Sometimes I feel like something broke inside of me after my last relationship. I've subconsciously built up a huge barricade around my heart to heal the wound my ex dealt me, and now I'm afraid of letting anyone in. I don't know how to deal with this, and am constantly doubting myself. It really sucks how badly love can hurt you.
Dr Duncan Steel
Member
Tbh I hate that feeling when you pretend the asking never happened at all and it's just back to square one and it's always gonna be that elephant in the room forever. I say this cause I am currently in this situation and believe me; it sucks. There are times in life where you just gotta nut up.
Of course if the ordeal makes you happy, then good for you.
Seeing as she had already told me she was in a sort of almost not sure how to call it kind of relationship when she told me no I don't see the point in asking for more info. For me it's clear, she said no and that's that.
The only thing I'm curious about is if she would have said yes if she seeing someone, considering what she mentioned ( the pleasant click we have, and the fact she used that vague description ). And it's not the kind of curiosity that I feel needs to be answered.
But as I said, she said no and I'm fine with it. If she starts mentioning it I don't mind it at all.
This fell apart sadly, but I am out with 2 other girls soon for first dates.
One of them was someone I was messaging a few months back, who then dropped contact and has only just got back to me. The other is a girl I've been speaking to for a couple of weeks.
I believe I'm meeting the first girl next Wednesday, whilst the second is either going to be this Saturday (her suggestion) or sometime next week.
I'm partially leaning towards next week because otherwise it would mean commuting back into London on a weekend, which after a busy week at work is the last thing I want to do.
I'm not entirely sure what to do yet...?
Iknowthatfeelingbro.jpg
I'm in the same boat I feel. My last relationship ended last year around this time. We were dating for three months.
I have gone out with a lot of women since then. Mostly hooking up. I dated this one women towards the end of last year for three months, and I ended it. I'm currently dating another woman, about three weeks so far. I have come close to ending it as well. Just seems like I make up excuses as to why it won't work out and then I stick to it.
I do think of my ex still, so it probably is that I'm not completely over her. And I relate to not really being excited for either of them.
But, the flip side is, not having a relationship, has helped with my studies and my internship. So I'm not really worried about this thing I'm going through.
Just wanted to post to let you know you aren't the only one. We will get through it.
I asked that girl out via text and she immediately replied with a yes. =)
This is going to be my first date in a looong time, therefore I've absolutely no clue what to do on the first date. I had the idea of cooking at my place, but unfortunately our place is packed due to relatives staying for the coming week.
Any suggestions?
This is going to be my first date in a looong time, therefore I've absolutely no clue what to do on the first date. I had the idea of cooking at my place, but unfortunately our place is packed due to relatives staying for the coming week.
Any suggestions?
Arsenic Yellow
Member
Just an update about current guy I'm seeing. Things have been going insanely well, spending the weekends sleeping over and had another cambridge date seeing muholland drive at the theaters.
Last night I confessed about being a super insecure mess about dating in general so he asked if I want to be in a relationship with him instead of just dating. I know it's a little quick but we both want it so I'm not too worried.
Last night I confessed about being a super insecure mess about dating in general so he asked if I want to be in a relationship with him instead of just dating. I know it's a little quick but we both want it so I'm not too worried.
EverythingShiny
Member
Yay! I'm so happy for you. Sounds like you're doing a good job communicating with him, too. I hope it works out!
Arsenic Yellow
Member
Thanks! Yeah things have been going well. It's very clear he's as crazy about me as I am for him. I had a long day yesterday, 4 hours of sleep, up early to check out museum with friends, then a brewery where I had 4 ciders, then an artist lecture, followed by two mojitos at a mexican place, at the mexican place I had a small panic moment and told my friends I was going to get stood up r he was going to realize what a mess I am. Finally I ended up meeting up with the guy at a bar in camrbidge. I was running 30 minutes late so I ran into the bar and of course was totally winded, where he proceeded to scold me for running (last weekend I seriously busted my knee running in the snow in front of him and he made me promise not to run anymore). Then later that night he kept talking about how sweet and cute it was to see me run into the place so anxiously. That he really missed me the last two nights and stuff.
Have a date planned on Saturday at a hot tub spa. Depending on the weather I may drag him around to go walking through the city or something and pack a lunch or stop for some tea. Once the snow melts we can spend more time together, as his job is closer to where I live that his apartment.
Shake her hand? That sounds like a good plan and date idea. It's casual, but you still have a good chunk of time to eat and talk, not feel rushed. Just be yourself, but try to have confidence too. I think people often overthink dating sometimes. If there's chemistry between you two, I'm sure you'll both notice and can go from there. Some things happen naturally.
I am currently getting used to going out in public again after a string of stressful life events and starting to build friendships. I don't think I'm quite capable of dating yet unless a person is capable of coming to see me. I've had a hard enough time moving along since I had to take time off work for health issues. I'm floored by how hard it's been building trust with new people. My health has to comes first though.
DeathoftheEndless
Crashing this plane... with no survivors!
I usually try to think about a few things to bring up in conversation before a date. I'm a pretty quiet person though, so I worry about not saying enough lol.
- Be nice to everyone, and tip well, but don't call attention to it. Say please and thank you, hold doors open for people, don't make a massive mess...you know, have basic manners. They go a long way.
- Smile and be interested in whatever she says. Unless she believes Hitler was right. Then bail.
- Try to ask her a question for every question she asks you. Keep the flow of information going both ways.
- Breath. Nervousness is good if you don't let it control you.
- Have fun! Going on a date isn't that bad. You're two people talking, relaxing, and enjoying each other's company. Enjoy it!
manfestival
Member
so I hear that being assertive is the key for not only making a woman interested in you but also having her respect you.... but this just seems too simple to be true
Have any of you brought up a concern to someone you are dating about them possibly using you?
She would invite me over, which was nice but it always came with a request of picking up drinks or dinner or snacks. I cooked for her a couple of times and she always seemed appreciative and would be very willing to make out after but when I tried to make a move to push things further would get denied. Thrown out at 2nd!
We had seen each other about 8-10 times over a month and I was starting to develop feelings for her. The next step would have been exclusivity but that concern of being used was brewing in my head.
She invited me over Sunday morning early and asked that I bring the ice cream that I told her about buying the night before. The roads were bad and when I got there she didn't really say much. She is a heavy weed smoker which was surprising at first and she was already high at 6 AM. That was annoying, then we sat there for about 10 minutes and she asked if I wanted to make breakfast. We had talked about making breakfast together but she asked specifically if I would make her breakfast. Her kitchen that she was supposed to have cleaned and told me to come over the day before was gross.
Said I didn't feel like it and then she asked for me to "pet her". She likes being pet when she's high. Don't blame her. I told her that I didn't feel like it. She did one of those "pretty please" things about it and then asked me if anything was wrong. I told her, "No, as long as you didn't invite me over just to bring ice cream and make breakfast" half jokingly.
This eventually led to me saying that I wasn't happy with how things were progressing physically and after a little more discussion she jumped right to, "You think I'm using you because we haven't had sex yet." That wasn't true but it didn't matter what I said after that. She also informed me that she wasn't a slut. She said she wanted to eat breakfast alone and I left her place around 8:00 AM.
Got a text from her later that day saying that she "Thought I was different but all you guys just want one thing." It pissed me off that she threw me in that group.
My problem was it really didn't seem like she would be interested in sleeping with me unless I gave her the moon on a silver platter. That wasn't going to fly with me.
She would invite me over, which was nice but it always came with a request of picking up drinks or dinner or snacks. I cooked for her a couple of times and she always seemed appreciative and would be very willing to make out after but when I tried to make a move to push things further would get denied. Thrown out at 2nd!
We had seen each other about 8-10 times over a month and I was starting to develop feelings for her. The next step would have been exclusivity but that concern of being used was brewing in my head.
She invited me over Sunday morning early and asked that I bring the ice cream that I told her about buying the night before. The roads were bad and when I got there she didn't really say much. She is a heavy weed smoker which was surprising at first and she was already high at 6 AM. That was annoying, then we sat there for about 10 minutes and she asked if I wanted to make breakfast. We had talked about making breakfast together but she asked specifically if I would make her breakfast. Her kitchen that she was supposed to have cleaned and told me to come over the day before was gross.
Said I didn't feel like it and then she asked for me to "pet her". She likes being pet when she's high. Don't blame her. I told her that I didn't feel like it. She did one of those "pretty please" things about it and then asked me if anything was wrong. I told her, "No, as long as you didn't invite me over just to bring ice cream and make breakfast" half jokingly.
This eventually led to me saying that I wasn't happy with how things were progressing physically and after a little more discussion she jumped right to, "You think I'm using you because we haven't had sex yet." That wasn't true but it didn't matter what I said after that. She also informed me that she wasn't a slut. She said she wanted to eat breakfast alone and I left her place around 8:00 AM.
Got a text from her later that day saying that she "Thought I was different but all you guys just want one thing." It pissed me off that she threw me in that group.
My problem was it really didn't seem like she would be interested in sleeping with me unless I gave her the moon on a silver platter. That wasn't going to fly with me.
If applied correctly, it is.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
There's an acronym I can't quite remember at the moment. But basically talk about the following:
-family
-career
-interests
Then there are topics everyone can relate to, like food, sports, and travel.
DON'T talk about politics, controversial topics, or your dating history.
Silence is okay. In the average conversation there is a lull every seven minutes. Silences every now and then do not mean you have bad chemistry, simply that you reached the end of the conversational thread you had going. Do have some topics prepared you can use here if you can't think of anything else to follow up on, though. Lone_Prodigy's suggestions work for this.
Also remember what she says, things about her family, her interests, some quirky detail about anything really. If there is a second date and you remember these things, you will score major plus points, since it shows you're genuinely interested.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
Update on this: I think this might have been my second cousin I've never met before. When we became friends on Facebook tonight I noticed she works at that drive thru. There's not any good pictures of her on there, but she looks pretty similar...
Dr Duncan Steel
Member
Asked again.
Told me she's dating someone and said have a nice weekend. I mean she could be lying to get rid of me but whatever, I can move on.
Shit hurts but such is life, taking the L.
But still....bruh.
Told me she's dating someone and said have a nice weekend. I mean she could be lying to get rid of me but whatever, I can move on.
Shit hurts but such is life, taking the L.
But still....bruh.
electricshake
Member
Coffee, pub, walk in the park, museum, art gallery, bowling. Not a movie though.
TheSpoiler
Member
What in the fuck?
If you're even somewhat confident in your coversational skills, do coffee or a bar. Talk to her, it's the best of getting to know someone. The aim of the first date is usually just to get to know the other person, feel things out. If you're not at all confident you can try some activity, like bowling or pool.
Glass Rebel
Member
Followup to this:
We had a lengthy talk and she told me that a mutual friend had told her about a "rumour that was making the rounds" of me suspecting that she had feelings for me. Thing is, there's literary no way this rumour could have come from anyone but her or their clique. The only people I've talked to about this are friends outside of uni.
She also pretty much confirmed, what I suspected, that I was her first male friend and that she was still trying out what she's allowed to do. Yeah, I'm done.
Sooo guys. Last week I posted here about contacting a girl on fb, which I did. And we met. So that worked out well. Don't know what to think though.
As it was our first date we just talked in a bar for a while. When sitting in front of each other she definitely looked interested (lots of laughing, hanging towards me, head tilted, constantly frolicking her hair). No awkward silences either and while I always started the subjects, she talked quite a lot. The date was a tad long (one and a half hour), but I could not help that practically.
But when leaving, she acted a bit differently. We both cycled together and she talked a lot but also cycled quick (I followed suit). And then she said "there we will probably go in different directions". When there, she said "here I will go left". And the instant after that "oh no, wait, I will come with you and take the other route and explained that is also possible (this next turn is like 20 seconds of cycling further btw)" Then when we almost reached the point she half repeated that she will go left. So I slowed down, stepped of my bike and thanked her for the nice evening and gave her three kisses. She wished me good luck with some things I have to do this weekend and I did the same for her (she replied with some random small talk about that). I felt relaxed and acted natural, had no intentions/urge to make a move or anything. Finally said something in the line of "and, see you later" with a smile and went off (we live really close and think it is normal to say goodbye this way).
How does this seem to you guys? I'm not sure if she was nervous or if she wanted to be away from me really quick (both?). Usually I at least have this "yes!" or "nope." feeling about a date, but I have no clue this time around.
As it was our first date we just talked in a bar for a while. When sitting in front of each other she definitely looked interested (lots of laughing, hanging towards me, head tilted, constantly frolicking her hair). No awkward silences either and while I always started the subjects, she talked quite a lot. The date was a tad long (one and a half hour), but I could not help that practically.
But when leaving, she acted a bit differently. We both cycled together and she talked a lot but also cycled quick (I followed suit). And then she said "there we will probably go in different directions". When there, she said "here I will go left". And the instant after that "oh no, wait, I will come with you and take the other route and explained that is also possible (this next turn is like 20 seconds of cycling further btw)" Then when we almost reached the point she half repeated that she will go left. So I slowed down, stepped of my bike and thanked her for the nice evening and gave her three kisses. She wished me good luck with some things I have to do this weekend and I did the same for her (she replied with some random small talk about that). I felt relaxed and acted natural, had no intentions/urge to make a move or anything. Finally said something in the line of "and, see you later" with a smile and went off (we live really close and think it is normal to say goodbye this way).
How does this seem to you guys? I'm not sure if she was nervous or if she wanted to be away from me really quick (both?). Usually I at least have this "yes!" or "nope." feeling about a date, but I have no clue this time around.
FaintColt388301
Member
Don't worry about it. Just focus on how you feel and if you had a good time. If you did then great, keep pursuing it and try to get another date. Hopefully she agrees, but if not that is that.
Don't focus on the small details that can mean a thousand different things. Maybe she is interested, maybe she isn't. Only way to know for sure is to keep moving forward.
One of my best friends now, I asked out.
You know what the excuse she gave me when I did. "I'm busy this weekend". Asked her about next weekend, "I'm going be busy all summer"
About 3 years later... I still make fun of her for it.
davepoobond
you can't put a price on sparks
That cycling part was kinda weird, but I'd chalk it up to her just being nervous. She might not have known if you wanted the company, or if cycling you to your home (?) would seem overbearing or something. Sounds like you had a fun time!
Thanks for your suggestions guys! I'm a total idiot, when it comes to activities or places for dates.
So, yeah. I think, we are going to hang out at a pub, play pool and have some drinks.
Another thing:
Last night I went out with some friends to have some drinks and I got terribly shitfaced. It amazes me how much my body can put up with... Anyway she texted me, that she was near the bar we were hanging out in and that she was going to join us, but won't get any drinks, because she came by car.
A bit later she entered the bar, sat next to me and talked for a bit. Sadly I can't remember much. As the night came to end, she drove me at my place.
Again, can't remember much about what we talked about during the drive to my place, but a statement of her stuck in my head: "Have you heard, that there are rumours at work about the two of us?" (it was something like that...)
Dunno, I wasn't really prepared for that question and therefore (I think!) I didn't reply, but quickly changed the topic. We haven't talked about the date next tuesday, also... =(
I'm thinking about that the whole damn day, but got no clue about her intentions by asking me this question. Is this bad for me? Help?
So, yeah. I think, we are going to hang out at a pub, play pool and have some drinks.
Another thing:
Last night I went out with some friends to have some drinks and I got terribly shitfaced. It amazes me how much my body can put up with... Anyway she texted me, that she was near the bar we were hanging out in and that she was going to join us, but won't get any drinks, because she came by car.
A bit later she entered the bar, sat next to me and talked for a bit. Sadly I can't remember much. As the night came to end, she drove me at my place.
Again, can't remember much about what we talked about during the drive to my place, but a statement of her stuck in my head: "Have you heard, that there are rumours at work about the two of us?" (it was something like that...)
Dunno, I wasn't really prepared for that question and therefore (I think!) I didn't reply, but quickly changed the topic. We haven't talked about the date next tuesday, also... =(
I'm thinking about that the whole damn day, but got no clue about her intentions by asking me this question. Is this bad for me? Help?
bigfunkychiken
Member
I don't think it's safe to assume that she meant anything specific by that question; her intentions are unclear in my opinion. However, I do not see her question as anything negative. Just keep sticking with it and see how it plays out.
stn
Member
You're wasting energy trying to interpret the question. She could be asking because she wants you to say "yes" and thus solidify your interest. She could also be asking because she wants to get your answer so that she can shoot you down and prevent future issues. Or, she could just be asking because she likes attention and wants to see if you like her in order to stroke her ego.
My point is its a waste of time. If you like her then ask her on a date, simple. If she asks this question again, simply say: "I don't know who's spreading what rumor. All I know is I think you're cute and would like to take you out for a drink." It shows confidence and that you're not willing to beat around the bush. Its nice and bold. Girls will respect this and latch on to it. Part of being confident is dismissing these stupid high school gossip games and acting based on what you want. Good luck!
Thanks. Will see. I will text her tomorrow. Btw, 1,5/2 days later (during weekend) is socially ok, right? Did not really have the time to do so today anymore, was playing sports and out with friends.
I am just really bad at social media stuff. All girls I have ever dated were distant colleagues, previous friends or people I often met at the university or something like that. So I always engaged in person and at least had a clue if things were awkward or comfortable.
That cycling part was kinda weird, but I'd chalk it up to her just being nervous. She might not have known if you wanted the company, or if cycling you to your home (?) would seem overbearing or something. Sounds like you had a fun time!
Thanks. I will see how it goes. Like I said, I like her, a second date would be nice. And yes, my house was really close.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Always a refreshing reminder when people show you they're assholes.
AlmostMilk
Member
Just set your search parameters to users you have not messaged.
stn
Member
Link1110
Member
I have a question. I asked a girl out and we had this conversation. Do you think she really wants the date or is she just saying no?
Background: We met ok OKCupid a while ago, and about January 1 or something exchanged WeChat information (like texting) and have been talking every day since,
Me: Hey, do you have plans for next Saturday?
Her: No plans during the day and will go to a wedding ceremony in the evening
Me: ah, but I work during the day and am off in the evening. Maybe Friday is better?
Her: Friday hummm I am not sure yesterday
Me: That or Sunday is good for me. Or else a week from Saturday (3/21)
Her: Maybe I could decide next Monday. I'll let you know once I can confirm. OK?
Me: Lemme know,,,
Edit: I'd like to add this, during this past week it was her birthday and her colleague made her a birthday cake was was good but too big for her and her colleagues to eat, so she had half of it sent by courier to my workplace. That makes me think she's still interested, but this conversation has me worried. Not sure if that makes a huge difference here.
Background: We met ok OKCupid a while ago, and about January 1 or something exchanged WeChat information (like texting) and have been talking every day since,
Me: Hey, do you have plans for next Saturday?
Her: No plans during the day and will go to a wedding ceremony in the evening
Me: ah, but I work during the day and am off in the evening. Maybe Friday is better?
Her: Friday hummm I am not sure yesterday
Me: That or Sunday is good for me. Or else a week from Saturday (3/21)
Her: Maybe I could decide next Monday. I'll let you know once I can confirm. OK?
Me: Lemme know,,,
Edit: I'd like to add this, during this past week it was her birthday and her colleague made her a birthday cake was was good but too big for her and her colleagues to eat, so she had half of it sent by courier to my workplace. That makes me think she's still interested, but this conversation has me worried. Not sure if that makes a huge difference here.
stn
Member
I don't want to say "no" because I'm not 100% sure since all I see is text, but my heart tells me she's not interested. Also of note is that you've been talking since at least January 1st and haven't gone on a date yet. Either you were too slow or she just never had interest to give a nudge.
You might want to watch the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Should be on Netflix. Helps a lot to put things in perspective and to not see the ending of a relationship as something completely one-sided.
For your consideration: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4xD8ZMdJms
Good job. She was indeed using you.
Also, if you have to complain about something in a relationship, don't use an half jokingly way to say it: comes off as if it's not really what you think, but just something to say to stir up trouble or to hurt.
I think she liked you but thought you cut off the date too quick. Maybe she felt a bit rejected.
She was speeding in front of you, and then giving you directions to get a bit of... empowerment back. I think you did well in not getting upset by her going faster, but you should have told her to follow you when she started giving you directions. Doesn't sound like something that may destroy the good you've build during the conversation, but don't bring this "incident" up next time you talk to her. Otherwise it will sound like you knew there's was "something" going on and you realized it too late. The fact that you highlighted this part of the date, instead of specific parts of the conversation, is significant.
I don't have enough details about her to guess whether she intended to tease you or to follow through, but that was an opening. Is this the girl you were supposed to go out on a date? I don't understand.
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