It's weird, because it feels like unlike most other totally depressed people, I totally love my life, and the fact that I'm living and breathing right now, but I'm scared shitless of it all ending, and it potentially being all for nothing. Life lately just feels way too short and fleeting; I remember back when a year used to feel like an eternity, but the past few years have felt like they've just shot by in a flash. I'm almost 22 now, which I guess is really young in comparison to a lot of other peeps here, but I'm scared my 20s are going to fly by as fast, if not even faster, than the last couple years have. I'm way too comfortable in the life I live right now, I wish it could just last forever. The thought of my day of reckoning being an inevitability is enough to send me into a depressive spiral for the rest of the day. I'm just way too scared of whatever lies beyond being too big a break from the norm.
I promised myself I would spend 2015 drawing my butt off, but I've spent the first few months being too depressed and anxious to do anything at all. I hope this phase is all over soon (been going on since March 25th or so, right off the heels of another unrelated existential crisis that began on Feb 5th and ended on March 15th, meaning I've had a 10 day break from my mind constantly shitting itself), because I just want to return back to my normal, carefree life as soon as possible.
It sounds as if you suddenly became aware of the chaotic, random, arbitrary nature of all existence and now you haven't been able to get the cat back into the bag. I don't have any answers for you, I don't think anyone does, because I, personally, don't believe there are answers to the questions you're asking, at least not answers that could be comprehended by our meager human brains.
Hopefully as you continue to move forward you're able to move from seeking answers to seeking acceptance; it may come naturally as you gradually exhaust every avenue of exploration. I can promise you it's possible to come to accept the randomness of it all. Not because I've done it, necessarily, but I am closer now than I was when I was 22.
In the meantime, find an outlet for these thoughts. Can you write about them? Do you have a friend or family member who can relate? I think it's better to get these things OUT somehow than just hold them in and obsess about them forever.
Geez, I wish I was an edgy stoner or something during my teen years so I could have gotten this all out of my system back then. I always feel like I'm mentally 5 years behind everyone else.
If you're thinking about these big issues ... are you five years behind or five years ahead? Many 22 year olds still aren't "aware" of the big picture.
And getting stoned is just a distraction from the big, scary universe. Existentialism catches up eventually. Trust me - this one I do know from personal experience!
Got through on my 8th try, hospital is out of beds and I was too ashamed and scared of the crisis line lady ( who seemed really hostile to me) to take the other treatment center option. Did end up having a long phone call with a family member though that made me feel both better and worse at the same time.
For the time being I am no longer a danger to myself but I'm certain this fight isn't over.
Thank you so much for being a stubborn source of reassurance, I needed it a lot today.
Usually hospitals aren't able to give a specific indication of when there will be open beds (or they don't want to) but if you keep checking back you should be able to find space. I would encourage you to keep trying every day - people are getting discharged daily. I know that's a lot of effort but I think it's best that you put in that effort now, while you're feeling a tad better, to invest in your recovery rather than wait until things are dire again.
Alternatively, you could call the number back again. I'm sorry to hear the person you talked to was hostile ... I can assure you most of them are not that way. Might as well, right? Totally free, nothing to lose!
We're all rooting for you
Especially since your username is Shinypogs...like pogs I used to play with when I was a kid?
There are just some days where I feel I don't deserve happiness and I don't deserve anything better than what I currently have going in my life.
Ah well.
Just keep in mind that that feeling isn't fact. Everyone deserves freedom from suffering.
Still, if you're feeling it, you're feeling it. Hope it's a bit brighter today.
Oof.
So the side effects from my SSRIs have pretty much completely gone away now. Because of that, I was able to start feeling a tiny bit of the positive effects and it was very, very nice.
Friday and the first half of yesterday I was feeling pretty great, then out of nowhere in the middle of yesterday I'm back to feeling shitty, which then continued to all day today. Oh well. At least I got a taste of what's to come.
The good news is that tomorrow I have my second appointment with the doctor and he's going to bump me from 10mg to 20mg of Escitalopram (generic Lexapro). I have high hopes about going up to 20mg. I'll have to go through about two more weeks of awful side effects and feeling generally pretty terrible, but I'm looking forward to the higher dosage nonetheless.
Ah yes, that magical moment when you feel the first benefit from your medication! I'm glad to hear you're seeing the potential benefits. Keep us posted!
The biggest initial side effect I remember from starting LexaPro was mild insomnia, but it cleared up in a week or two.
When i was in college, i briefly saw a therapist. But kinda lied about the main reason i was going. So it wasn't much help.
Been thinking about seeing one though especially now that i have health insurance and a paying job. Just need to get my ass in gear and really look around for one. This weekend i spent it doing absolutely nothing. Just wallowing in self misery.
I was able to deal with this shitty work environment for six months but i think i just reached a breaking point.
And with my returning depressive moods, it's not helping how i'm dealing with this situation. I keep blaming myself. Thinking it's something i did. Thinking i deserve to be treated like this. But i know i don't. I know i haven't done something to deserve this treatment. Well that's what i try to tell myself.
Blaming yourself can be absolutely irresistible sometimes. After all there's nobody's life you know better than your own, giving you all of the ammunition you need to turn the hatred back on yourself over and over and over again...
I would strongly encourage you to look into a therapist again, and try your best this time to be clear about what's going on so your therapist is in the loop. That's one of the trade-offs of therapy - it can be pretty uncomfortable at first to be upfront with this strange new person about your vulnerabilities. As you go you'll get more comfortable with the therapist and more comfortable with similar, future situations of discomfort. The more people I've been able to open up to, the easier it has gotten to open up (very slowly, but still!).
<3
I could envy you (but I won't, only because you're awesome) i absolutely suck at drawing! Which is honestly sad, I've always wanted to be an animator/designer and make my creations/characters come to life. I guess I can't do that in my life...
)
