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[User 479360]

Sorry to hear. Good luck with the break-up. I don't have any personal experience so I can't give you advice.

My life is weird these days:

I'm trying to date, and am having some success. However, not to the point where I've found a relationship. I got lucky once (first time in eleven years) and am hanging out with the same girl tonight for a movie date, but I'm not going to try to force sex because I'm not just looking for that.

I'm looking forward to hanging out with her, though. It's been a weird day, however. I'm in an okay mood, despite spending a lot of time doing yard work which I hate and having a bad argument with the cousin I used to consider my favourite.

I vented on Facebook and maybe shouldn't have, but fuck it.

I have a parent who's currently disabled and bedridden who I look after almost 24/7. I'm a full-time caregiver with my other parent and some PSW help. I also have a grandparent who's going senile and requires a lot of help, who lives here. I help them too. My sibling is also physically disabled since birth and in a wheelchair.

This cousin only lives a couple of hours away, but he never comes to visit. He only sees 'us' when we go up to his parents'. His parents hardly ever come down.

I told them how honestly hard it is and vented a bit. The response from him? "You should help." How fucking ignorant is that? It's all I practically do. I do everything, including helping to change and shower them. I don't have to, but I do.

Just because I can't work and have mental illnesses, plus bad fatigue, they're so closedminded that they think I'm lazy, useless and a piece of shit. He ripped into me about how horrible I am, how I'm self-diagnosing, lazy, etc.

I guess they all talk about me behind my back?

So much for family.

 

[~Kinggi~]

This really sucks bad. On top of all my other problems my rent is suddenly gonna go up a shitton when my lease ends. Im probably gonna have to move and i got to plan it within the next 20 days because they need a bunch of notice or im fined. Shit should be illegal. I hate this stress. I have to do it all alone. Arrange movers, find a new apartment. hell on top of hell

 

[Zeyphersan]

I've pretty much accepted at this point that I'm never going to have a group of friends again. I dropped out of college and moved back home, so I lost the friends I had made at college in record time, and the friends I had from high school that are still around want barely anything to do with me. They'll hang out as a group and sometimes include me, but rarely.

There must be something about me that just puts people off, I don't know what it is. I can think of two people I met recently that I got along with super great and thought I could have been great friends with, but they just did not give a shit at all. That's the stuff that hurts the most. As I type it out it sounds like a romantic relationship or something, and I guess it can be similar, but in some ways it hurts more. Like shit, all I wanted to do was hang out and play video games, but apparently that's too goddamn much.

So yeah. Without a solid friend group I feel myself slowly losing it. I know it's happening, every day I spend alone in my room there's another mental shift. I just.. I don't know how to solve this. It's been going on long enough that I know it's something about me, something I'm doing or not doing. Enough friend groups have dropped me at the drop of a hat that I know it's something. I just really don't know what to do.

Edit: After thinking it through I'm just gonna end it pretty soon, honestly. It's felt like an inevitability that I'm going to kill myself for years now, but it's getting to the point where I feel actively motivated to do it. First thing I've been motivated about in a while, heh.

 

[Slayerx]

I've been pretty severely depressed for the last 4 years although I managed to cope well with it and was resilient enough to finish my degree, barely, and get a job to go with it, mostly due to getting lucky I must admit.

It got pretty bad again about 6 months ago and somehow I ended up filling the void with casual sex, which became an all-consuming addiction recently. I would have an encounter almost every day with some random stranger (all while working full time too). Sometimes several times a day. I don't really know how to crawl out of this hole and I am not sure I even want to at this point. This is also so unlike me because I was basically a basement lord with zero self-esteem until recently.

I work in mental health and I have full awareness and insight into how destructive this behaviour is but I just switch off my brain when the time comes.

I hope I can get through this phase without hurting myself in some way

 

[Tinfoilhatsron]

Exams tommorow/today. Still up. I don't know if I can muster the energy to go. I've convinced myself I already fucked up the course. Ugh. I just want to sleep for three days. Just lie blissfully unaware. It'd be peaceful.

 

[MisterLuffy]

Now my grade dropped down to D-, doing the optional homework was a mistake. Now I'm getting discouraged. I'm never going to pass that class.

 

[Kipp]

I've pretty much accepted at this point that I'm never going to have a group of friends again. I dropped out of college and moved back home, so I lost the friends I had made at college in record time, and the friends I had from high school that are still around want barely anything to do with me. They'll hang out as a group and sometimes include me, but rarely.

There must be something about me that just puts people off, I don't know what it is. I can think of two people I met recently that I got along with super great and thought I could have been great friends with, but they just did not give a shit at all. That's the stuff that hurts the most. As I type it out it sounds like a romantic relationship or something, and I guess it can be similar, but in some ways it hurts more. Like shit, all I wanted to do was hang out and play video games, but apparently that's too goddamn much.

So yeah. Without a solid friend group I feel myself slowly losing it. I know it's happening, every day I spend alone in my room there's another mental shift. I just.. I don't know how to solve this. It's been going on long enough that I know it's something about me, something I'm doing or not doing. Enough friend groups have dropped me at the drop of a hat that I know it's something. I just really don't know what to do.

I have had very similar experiences to you. Always felt like I wasn't actually a part of the groups of friends I was in and always felt like I was being pushed away and wondered what was wrong with me that this kind of thing kept happening to me. For a long time it really hurt.
I also know that it's really, really hard work to keep friends when you don't go to school with them, work with them, or otherwise encounter them as part of some other routine. It takes lots of effort from both parties. I too felt really hurt by this kind of thing for a while, but then I started to realize that it was equally my fault for not taking the initiative. I was getting hurt by whichever friend not taking the initiative to hang out with me or regularly giving me "maybes" or flaking out on me, but I was doing the exact same thing that I was upset at them for.

I currently have one friend that I hang out with on a semi-regular basis (and even then, we haven't hung out in probably a month because life is busy and complicates things). I really don't have friends that I hang out in the same way I did in junior high/high school. My social life now comes from work and the bouldering gym I go to a few times a week where I regularly run into the same people.
I would highly recommend joining a club or sports team or really any kind of group. It's crazy how easy it is to get along with someone immediately when you have just one thing in common. I'm a relatively shy person, but when I'm at the bouldering gym, it seems like I can immediately become friends with someone by just giving them a tip on something and opening a dialogue with them. It's fantastic what having something in common can do.
Even just having a job where you interact with the same people on a daily basis can help fill the gap very well.

I've kind of rambled a bit, but I guess the main takeaway is this: Friendships are very, very difficult to maintain. It's very much possible, but as you've noticed, it can be very frustrating and discouraging. I would highly recommend joining some kind of club or group that gets together for some singular purpose (be it a sport or a hobby or whatever), which will give you a community you can mesh with, or even just working a job that has you working alongside others.

I hope that helps in some way. I really empathize with what you're going through and I know it's extremely painful. You will get through this though.

 

[Kipp]

Hmm. So I had a second blood test to confirm I had low testosterone and also got some kind of test to check for some cause or whatever of the low testosterone, and the doctor called and told me I need to get a third blood test. Slightly worrying...

 

[Piano]

SAWAP, all. I hope that your lives turn out better than mine did.

jb1234, I'm sorry to hear about your unreasonable suffering. I wish there was something we could do. I'm unfamiliar with fibromyalgia so I'm not sure what else to say.

I'll second Kipp's thought - if you're willing to share some of your music I'd love to hear it.

SAWAP.

I've just stumbled across this thread and I will go back and read it a bit at a time, i've finally owned up to myself and my partner that I've got some issues going on, it's going to be a long slow road but i'm determined to get through it.

Thanks to whoever started this thread.

It's wonderful to hear that you've got the determination to pursue treatment. This community is here to support you as you go through the resulting ups and downs!

Anyone have any experience with Zyprexa? Particularly dosage and the fatigue, and how it effects cognitive function. Been on it for a few weeks and feel dumb as shit.

Also, for those with experience with Benzos, I have been on .25 mg of Klonopin once a day every day for about a year now. I realize this is a low dose, but what should i expect for withdrawals?

I've never taken Zyprexa, so I can't chime in on that, but on a dose of Klonopin that low the withdrawals should be mild, probably just some insomnia while your body gets used to sleeping without it, and perhaps some resurgent anxiety. Or maybe none of those things if you're replacing it with another medication that's slightly anixolytic and sedating (like Zyprexa).

Point is, .25mg shouldn't be awful to get off of.

Me and the gf broke up last night after dating for nearly 6 years and I'm not handling it very well. We have so many memories and such history together.I've been trying not to cry in front of customers at work all day. Feels bad man.

Try the best you can to look at things just one day at time for now, or even one hour at a time if a day is too long and unbearable. As you make it through hour by hour, day by day slowly your perspective will open back up as you gradually heal. Don't hesitate to talk to friends, family, or a therapist about the difficulties of the breakup - separating from someone after 6 years is no joke and anyone telling you to just get over it is kidding themselves.

I guess they all talk about me behind my back?

So much for family.

It sounds as though your cousin is just missing some perspective; he's not you, he doesn't understand your struggles currently so his sour opinions definitely shouldn't steer your self-perception.

I'm delighted to hear that you've got a date coming up. Hope it goes well!

This really sucks bad. On top of all my other problems my rent is suddenly gonna go up a shitton when my lease ends. Im probably gonna have to move and i got to plan it within the next 20 days because they need a bunch of notice or im fined. Shit should be illegal. I hate this stress. I have to do it all alone. Arrange movers, find a new apartment. hell on top of hell

I had a coworker tell me once that moving is the second most stressful life event after death of a loved one. There's no way to measure that, of course, but I sort of believe it. Moving is hell. Luckily it's a hell that seemingly everyone can relate to as we've all had to move. Can you break the moving process down into manageable steps, and then perhaps ask for help with some of the more difficult steps?

Best of luck with the whole process.

Edit: After thinking it through I'm just gonna end it pretty soon, honestly. It's felt like an inevitability that I'm going to kill myself for years now, but it's getting to the point where I feel actively motivated to do it. First thing I've been motivated about in a while, heh.

If you're thinking of hurting yourself please call one of the resources posted in the OP or go to a nearby Emergency Room immediately.

On the topic of making friends - it can take quite a few tries to find friendships that stick, especially if you're staring from zero again, like you said. I had to start from zero when I moved back and it was hell, the isolation really took a toll on me and put me in one of the worst places I've ever been. There is no easy solution, other than just finding some activities that consistently get you out of the house and around other people; like Kipp said, try to find some structured clubs or activities you can join so that you'll be seeing the same people for a while. For me, community theater helped.

Once you meet a few people it becomes easier to meet more, both because your confidence is bolstered and because often friendships are made through existing connections. You could also try reaching out to people who were only acquaintances in high school - two of my friends now are people I knew in high school but never really connected with. I heard they were back in town and, lo and behold, they were just as lonely and disconnected as I was.

In the meantime, do you have any friends or family you can keep in touch with regularly over the phone? In the deepest depths of my isolation I had weekly goals for how many phone calls I wanted to make to far away friends, so I at least talked to other people for a few hours a week. It's not ideal but it's a far cry from just sitting there day after day with your own thoughts.

I also tried to make consistent Steam game-nights with one of my friends who owned some of the same games as me.

Sitting with your own thoughts, alone, for that long, especially if you're predisposed to anxiety or sadness, will often lead down a road of self harm. Isolation is tough.

I'm sorry for your suffering.

I've been pretty severely depressed for the last 4 years although I managed to cope well with it and was resilient enough to finish my degree, barely, and get a job to go with it, mostly due to getting lucky I must admit.

It got pretty bad again about 6 months ago and somehow I ended up filling the void with casual sex, which became an all-consuming addiction recently. I would have an encounter almost every day with some random stranger (all while working full time too). Sometimes several times a day. I don't really know how to crawl out of this hole and I am not sure I even want to at this point. This is also so unlike me because I was basically a basement lord with zero self-esteem until recently.

I work in mental health and I have full awareness and insight into how destructive this behaviour is but I just switch off my brain when the time comes.

I hope I can get through this phase without hurting myself in some way

Have you considered seeing a therapist? It sounds as though it could be a great help to you.

Now my grade dropped down to D-, doing the optional homework was a mistake. Now I'm getting discouraged. I'm never going to pass that class.

I know nothing about coding but there must be a lot of people on GAF who do. Have you considered asking someone on here for help?

Hmm. So I had a second blood test to confirm I had low testosterone and also got some kind of test to check for some cause or whatever of the low testosterone, and the doctor called and told me I need to get a third blood test. Slightly worrying...

Did he give a reason for why you needed a third test? It's scary, yes, but there may be some relief is getting further clarity on what's going on via repeated blood tests.

Regardless, I hope things turn out well.

<3

 

[Kipp]

Did he give a reason for why you needed a third test? It's scary, yes, but there may be some relief is getting further clarity on what's going on via repeated blood tests.

Regardless, I hope things turn out well.

<3

Well, for some reason he called my home phone rather than my cell phone (which I had given them as the primary phone when I filled out the forms, but alas) so my mom just told me that the doctor called and I needed a third blood test done as I was walking out the door to go to work. So no, I don't have any further reason at the moment, causing my mind to jump to conclusions.
The only reason I went straight to thinking it was something bad is because I was under the impression that the second test was the further clarification test along with a test testing for tumors or something like that which could cause the low testosterone. So my logic went "If the clarification test clarified, I wouldn't need a third test, so something may have showed up on the testing for tumors or whatever part of the test."

I'm not overly concerned, but I'll be glad to get it all figured out soon. Thanks for the reply and well wishes!


On a more positive note, work is going quite well today, surprisingly! Usually Fridays are the roughest because it's the one day my boss comes into the office and she has tons of stuff to do on Fridays, so she tends to get very, very stressed and things get nuts. However, she decided to work at home today and on top of that, she's in a good mood, so things have been pretty solid.

 

[Daingurse]

Had my diagnosis *upgraded* today, from Major Depression to Major Depression with Psychotic Features. Honestly makes a lot of sense, but I don't really feel good about having an even more severe diagnosis. Got my meds adjusted so I hope I'll see some improvement in my mood after a couple of weeks. Really need to start exercising, find one way to get the chemicals flowing, I just feel so fucking tired, and My motivation is so fucking low in general. I've been relapsed hard core over the last few months, and feel worse than I have in months both mentally and physically. I've had another botched suicide attempt since my stay in the hospital early Feb, and have felt very detached and hopeless. Feel like I'm doing the bare-minimum in every facet of life, and everything feels arduous and taxing. I wake up in the morning and just want to sleep forever, thank god for my family or I would be dead. Only thing that is keeping on this earth really.

 

[half a moon]

Had my diagnosis *upgraded* today, from Major Depression to Major Depression with Psychotic Features. Honestly makes a lot of sense, but I don't really feel good about having an even more severe diagnosis. Got my meds adjusted so I hope I'll see some improvement in my mood after a couple of weeks. Really need to start exercising, find one way to get the chemicals flowing, I just feel so fucking tired, and My motivation is so fucking low in general. I've been relapsed hard core over the last few months, and feel worse than I have in months both mentally and physically. I've had another botched suicide attempt since my stay in the hospital early Feb, and have felt very detached and hopeless. Feel like I'm doing the bare-minimum in every facet of life, and everything feels arduous and taxing. I wake up in the morning and just want to sleep forever, thank god for my family or I would be dead. Only thing that is keeping on this earth really.

I think that's what I had when I went to a mental hospital recently. I was in a deep depression and stated having delusions.

I know what that's like. Doing that bare-minimum. I don't know how to be more than this really. I feel like I'm too stupid to have a normal life.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Depressed today, low energy partially because i haven't been able to sleep much.

I have another meeting with my psych on Monday and a meeting with Med Eval on the 20th.

I am still having issues with my Depression and OCD, but I think I'm getting better in some ways. I just think it's going to be a long road.

I keep feeling like everyday is the last, or that something terrible is going to happen. I'm afraid to sleep because of my nightmares, and I recently had a scare with KIKing sexytime groups. Needless to say, I am not messing about with that or reddit or tinder or POF ever again.

I've decided I don't really want a relationship or anything physical, even though I've never had...um... relations.

I'm just not in a space or frame of mind for it, and I need to focus on me and to be honest half the people I meet are fucking nuts or lying about their age which is horrifying. I was so scared and freaking out I told my mom about it, which basically kind of revealed some of my struggles with what I want sexually because to be honest I don't really know. I've been kind of messed up there since my Ex.

I am meeting with an old friend of mine sometime in the next couple of weeks for beers, which sounds great as my stomach ulcers have calmed enough that I had my first cup of coffee in six months the other day and again today; It was like I imagine sex to be. Amazing. . I could also use a bit of company, and perhaps talks of a work opportunity or at least a chance to maybe brew some beers.

I've been considering starting to work on my novel again, full tilt until it's done. No more piecemeal. My psychiatrist/therapist said that might be a good idea.

I'm just feeling exhausted, confused, and scared.

My OCD keeps bothering me.

I'm trying though.

 

[MisterLuffy]

I know nothing about coding but there must be a lot of people on GAF who do. Have you considered asking someone on here for help?

Even if I do ask for there help, I just don't understand the concepts very clearly.

 

[Izuna]

I don't know if I am doing okay or not.

I don't have the money to get the job, nor do I have to money to go there and look for another one.

I am dropping out of University this year to repeat it since it's all I can do, but when I mentioned this my partner (who I can never see again) cried a bunch.

What I was afraid of happened. I learned this about 17 hours ago but I have tried not to think about it until. I don't know how I'm going to react then it settles in.

At least I gave it all a go.

 

[jb1234]

jb1234, I'm sorry to hear about your unreasonable suffering. I wish there was something we could do. I'm unfamiliar with fibromyalgia so I'm not sure what else to say.

I'll second Kipp's thought - if you're willing to share some of your music I'd love to hear it.

SAWAP.

It's okay, dude. I wasn't expecting anyone to reply to all. As you've pointed out, what is there to say, really?

That said, I do enjoy attention and here's some of my work. I'm retired but able to perform a bit on better days:

"Fisherman's Horizon" from FFVIII

"Yearning", written by yours truly

"If Ever I Would Leave You" from Camelot. My buddy Ken joins me here, just recorded yesterday.

 

[pixelation]

It's okay, dude. I wasn't expecting anyone to reply to all. As you've pointed out, what is there to say, really?

That said, I do enjoy attention and here's some of my work. I'm retired but able to perform a bit on better days:

"Fisherman's Horizon" from FFVIII

"Yearning", written by yours truly

"If Ever I Would Leave You" from Camelot. My buddy Ken joins me here, just recorded yesterday.

I really like your original piece. And as an observation... you seem quite cheerful on your videos!!!

 

[jb1234]

I really like your original piece. And as an observation... you seem quite cheerful on your videos!!!

Thanks! And yeah, but don't we all put on a happy face when we're either around people or being recorded?

 

[pixelation]

Thanks! And yeah, but don't we all put on a happy face when we're either around people or being recorded?

Yep!!!, that's true... But anyways, you got skills dude!!!

 

[Zeyphersan]

I have had very similar experiences to you. Always felt like I wasn't actually a part of the groups of friends I was in and always felt like I was being pushed away and wondered what was wrong with me that this kind of thing kept happening to me. For a long time it really hurt.
I also know that it's really, really hard work to keep friends when you don't go to school with them, work with them, or otherwise encounter them as part of some other routine. It takes lots of effort from both parties. I too felt really hurt by this kind of thing for a while, but then I started to realize that it was equally my fault for not taking the initiative. I was getting hurt by whichever friend not taking the initiative to hang out with me or regularly giving me "maybes" or flaking out on me, but I was doing the exact same thing that I was upset at them for.

I currently have one friend that I hang out with on a semi-regular basis (and even then, we haven't hung out in probably a month because life is busy and complicates things). I really don't have friends that I hang out in the same way I did in junior high/high school. My social life now comes from work and the bouldering gym I go to a few times a week where I regularly run into the same people.
I would highly recommend joining a club or sports team or really any kind of group. It's crazy how easy it is to get along with someone immediately when you have just one thing in common. I'm a relatively shy person, but when I'm at the bouldering gym, it seems like I can immediately become friends with someone by just giving them a tip on something and opening a dialogue with them. It's fantastic what having something in common can do.
Even just having a job where you interact with the same people on a daily basis can help fill the gap very well.

I've kind of rambled a bit, but I guess the main takeaway is this: Friendships are very, very difficult to maintain. It's very much possible, but as you've noticed, it can be very frustrating and discouraging. I would highly recommend joining some kind of club or group that gets together for some singular purpose (be it a sport or a hobby or whatever), which will give you a community you can mesh with, or even just working a job that has you working alongside others.

I hope that helps in some way. I really empathize with what you're going through and I know it's extremely painful. You will get through this though.

If you're thinking of hurting yourself please call one of the resources posted in the OP or go to a nearby Emergency Room immediately.

On the topic of making friends - it can take quite a few tries to find friendships that stick, especially if you're staring from zero again, like you said. I had to start from zero when I moved back and it was hell, the isolation really took a toll on me and put me in one of the worst places I've ever been. There is no easy solution, other than just finding some activities that consistently get you out of the house and around other people; like Kipp said, try to find some structured clubs or activities you can join so that you'll be seeing the same people for a while. For me, community theater helped.

Once you meet a few people it becomes easier to meet more, both because your confidence is bolstered and because often friendships are made through existing connections. You could also try reaching out to people who were only acquaintances in high school - two of my friends now are people I knew in high school but never really connected with. I heard they were back in town and, lo and behold, they were just as lonely and disconnected as I was.

In the meantime, do you have any friends or family you can keep in touch with regularly over the phone? In the deepest depths of my isolation I had weekly goals for how many phone calls I wanted to make to far away friends, so I at least talked to other people for a few hours a week. It's not ideal but it's a far cry from just sitting there day after day with your own thoughts.

I also tried to make consistent Steam game-nights with one of my friends who owned some of the same games as me.

Sitting with your own thoughts, alone, for that long, especially if you're predisposed to anxiety or sadness, will often lead down a road of self harm. Isolation is tough.

I'm sorry for your suffering.

Thank you both for the kind words, it means a lot. I know that in the darkness of a depression period it can feel like you're the only one who has ever gone through something, when that's absolutely not the case. I want to thank you both for not just making this thread a "come in here and vent" sort of affair, but actually go through and give help to other people. It means more than you know.

To ease everyone's mind (mine included) I don't think I'll actually hurt/kill myself anytime soon. But is has felt like an inevitability for several years now, I wasn't lying about that. When you're mentally depressed, you can't really think of ever coming out of it, or not feeling that way again. It feels neverending, and when you feel like you're going to be living in this fog for the rest of your life, it gets draining. Draining physically, draining emotionally. It means a lot that you both gave solid advice, and I'll be sure to heed it. There was some great words in there, and it goes along with some stuff I've known about for a while that A) I need to work on improving an accepting myself, and B) I need to figure out who is actually my friend and who has my best interests at heart.

It feels like a cop-out to thank you both at the same time, but it's not. Truly, honestly, I appreciate you reaching out and sharing your thoughts. When I get myself fixed up and feeling better, I'm going to come back to this thread and pay it forward.

 

[DrM]

Stumbled on a bump at my therapy... my therapist insists that it would be the best for me to move away from home, to live away from my parents and other family members.

She is having a theory that I would function much better if I lived alone - theory is that my family members are looking at me as a worker/handyman instead of family member and if I lived away, I would have a lot more peace, spare time and I would be relived of additional work every day. That would mean that I could better focus on myself and my problems.

On this, I agree with her - first words when I arrive from work are not 'How are you' or 'Hi' but 'Can you do this' or even 'Just do this or that/Go to the store/etc'. Those are the words you do not want to hear after 8 hours of physical work. And yes, I do feel like handyman.

But there is always a problem - I work for minimal wage and with it you can only dream about living alone, because rents for a single room are more than half of it each month.

I am stuck at this shitty work, sending job applications around but no luck. I haven't worked in my field for more than a year (because there are no bigger projects and firm that I worked from time to time is barely working).
I have a neurologist on Monday. That could take this work away from me, if they find damaged nerve connections to my arms. My personal doctor is suspecting that something is wrong with main nerve connections in my neck.

Bah, I just needed to vent. I will try to do something about all this. What, I do not know yet.

It's okay, dude. I wasn't expecting anyone to reply to all. As you've pointed out, what is there to say, really?

That said, I do enjoy attention and here's some of my work. I'm retired but able to perform a bit on better days:

"Fisherman's Horizon" from FFVIII

"Yearning", written by yours truly

"If Ever I Would Leave You" from Camelot. My buddy Ken joins me here, just recorded yesterday.

Dude, you are very talented!

 

[User 479360]

It's just hard to stay positive when you find out how little people you've grown up with and liked/got along with well for 25 years think of you.

Baseless accusations about self-diagnosing? What the fuck? He wouldn't know either way, when I see him twice a year if that, and he's with his wife, brother or child all the time then.

 

[BlueSummers]

So since my 6 year relationship ended I've done nothing but cry and be sick for 3 days now. I think I gave myself an ulcer from all the stress and I have had to miss two days of work now which is also not good. Thank god I have tomorrow off because I don't know if mentally or physically I could work. I feel sore, tired, my head feels like it's swimming and my gut is full of what feels like acid.

So many of you have it so much worse so I feel bad even posting but I just had to vent. I don't have many friends to talk to about it and I usually just get the usual from them anyway. I guess there's really nothing anyone can say.

 

[Kipp]

It's okay, dude. I wasn't expecting anyone to reply to all. As you've pointed out, what is there to say, really?

That said, I do enjoy attention and here's some of my work. I'm retired but able to perform a bit on better days:

"Fisherman's Horizon" from FFVIII

"Yearning", written by yours truly

"If Ever I Would Leave You" from Camelot. My buddy Ken joins me here, just recorded yesterday.

Those were all fantastic! Yearning in particular was really wonderful. Thank you for sharing!

Thank you both for the kind words, it means a lot. I know that in the darkness of a depression period it can feel like you're the only one who has ever gone through something, when that's absolutely not the case. I want to thank you both for not just making this thread a "come in here and vent" sort of affair, but actually go through and give help to other people. It means more than you know.

To ease everyone's mind (mine included) I don't think I'll actually hurt/kill myself anytime soon. But is has felt like an inevitability for several years now, I wasn't lying about that. When you're mentally depressed, you can't really think of ever coming out of it, or not feeling that way again. It feels neverending, and when you feel like you're going to be living in this fog for the rest of your life, it gets draining. Draining physically, draining emotionally. It means a lot that you both gave solid advice, and I'll be sure to heed it. There was some great words in there, and it goes along with some stuff I've known about for a while that A) I need to work on improving an accepting myself, and B) I need to figure out who is actually my friend and who has my best interests at heart.

It feels like a cop-out to thank you both at the same time, but it's not. Truly, honestly, I appreciate you reaching out and sharing your thoughts. When I get myself fixed up and feeling better, I'm going to come back to this thread and pay it forward.

Thanks for the kind words! I'm really happy to have been able to help.
I totally know what you mean about depression seeming neverending. Even though I started taking SSRIs recently and it's likely that I'll soon have some relief from my depression, half of me doesn't believe I'll ever be free from it. It's definitely tough.

Also, have you ever considered seeking treatment? I'm sure you'd be able to benefit from therapy and/or medication if you're willing and have the means.

 

[Kipp]

So since my 6 year relationship ended I've done nothing but cry and be sick for 3 days now. I think I gave myself an ulcer from all the stress and I have had to miss two days of work now which is also not good. Thank god I have tomorrow off because I don't know if mentally or physically I could work. I feel sore, tired, my head feels like it's swimming and my gut is full of what feels like acid.

So many of you have it so much worse so I feel bad even posting but I just had to vent. I don't have many friends to talk to about it and I usually just get the usual from them anyway. I guess there's really nothing anyone can say.

Regarding the bolded text, I'm often guilty of having the same type of thought, but it's important to remember that just because other people might have it worse than you doesn't mean that your problems aren't significant. There's this great quote from an Andrew Jackson Jihad song that gets the point across much better than I could:

"You don't have it any better
You don't have it any worse
You're an irreplaceable human soul
With your own understanding of what it means to suffer"

I don't really have anything to add other than what would just be rephrasing those lyrics, but I just wanted to share that. Those lyrics helped me think about this kind of thing in a different way.
Like I said though, it's something I have a problem with as well. It's so easy to beat yourself up by saying that you have no right to complain or be in a bad mood when so many other people have "legitimate" problems and you have it so "easy," but we all have our own struggles and they're all just as legitimate and significant.

Regardless, I really hope you begin to feel better soon. That sounds incredibly painful. I'm sure you'll be able to make it through in time though, slowly but surely. Hang in there, buddy.

 

[jb1234]

Yep!!!, that's true... But anyways, you got skills dude!!!

Dude, you are very talented!

Those were all fantastic! Yearning in particular was really wonderful. Thank you for sharing!

You guys are very kind. Thank you! I'm especially happy people like Yearning because I spent months on it and am quite proud of the work.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

 

[RoyaleDuke]

You guys are very kind. Thank you! I'm especially happy people like Yearning because I spent months on it and am quite proud of the work.

Yearning is a fantastic and emotional piece, you should be proud of that composition my friend.

It's beautiful, the way it builds into something so manic and dark towards the end is a beautiful requiem to what it is like to yearn, perhaps from the perspective of people like us. Those of us who face terrible demons, and mental illness everyday.

It reminds me of some of Quadrophenia and how that captures the confusion and angst of growing older, the frustration of not understanding or fitting into society.

It's beautiful man, really.

I wasn't sure if it was you or another poster but I think you said you have Fibromyalgia? I have that and Systemic Rheumatoid Arthritis, which kills most people that have it before the age of 30 unlike more common versions of RA. What I'm trying to say though is that I can relate to the pain you feel, the burning itching sensation overall, the pain like daggers in the muscles and the endless exhaustion...

Hang in there buddy...

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

So since my 6 year relationship ended I've done nothing but cry and be sick for 3 days now. I think I gave myself an ulcer from all the stress and I have had to miss two days of work now which is also not good. Thank god I have tomorrow off because I don't know if mentally or physically I could work. I feel sore, tired, my head feels like it's swimming and my gut is full of what feels like acid.

So many of you have it so much worse so I feel bad even posting but I just had to vent. I don't have many friends to talk to about it and I usually just get the usual from them anyway. I guess there's really nothing anyone can say.

First of all, I am sorry you are going through this. I hope the anxiety and crying is giving you so relief for getting it out of your system so you can make peace with the past and move on.


Secondly, don't compare your suffering to everybody elses. I know this is hard, but our feelings are not objective in such a way that they can be mapped appropriately like on some scale. Many people have had terrible things happen to them, and would still rate heartbreak as the most hurtful. It's a thing that affects everyone differently, and we all cope differently too.

Just remember one thing. It's not that you are alone that is causing you misery. And that is a good thing. Because if it was, then your happiness would be confined to another person. Thankfully it is all inside of you.
But one can know these things, and it still will not make the heartbreak less. I think many people here know that all too well.
There is a chance that you might be closer to the other side than you think. That your body and mind is coming to terms with the breakup and it hurts because you are realizing you need to let go and move on. You have the memories with you, but they are just that. Memories. It's a bitter sweet feeling.
Nobody can take those from you, but on the other hand it can be hard not to be selfish. It's natural to want things to be like they were. Only they can't, and that is a hard one for the brain to swallow, I think.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

So since my 6 year relationship ended I've done nothing but cry and be sick for 3 days now. I think I gave myself an ulcer from all the stress and I have had to miss two days of work now which is also not good. Thank god I have tomorrow off because I don't know if mentally or physically I could work. I feel sore, tired, my head feels like it's swimming and my gut is full of what feels like acid.

So many of you have it so much worse so I feel bad even posting but I just had to vent. I don't have many friends to talk to about it and I usually just get the usual from them anyway. I guess there's really nothing anyone can say.

Constantly comparing your troubles with others will do nothing for you, the things you face are not any less than what any of us face.

This is a fallacy propagated by society, don't believe it for a second. Your problems are just as significant as any other persons issues.

 

[NateGrigs]

So since my 6 year relationship ended I've done nothing but cry and be sick for 3 days now. I think I gave myself an ulcer from all the stress and I have had to miss two days of work now which is also not good. Thank god I have tomorrow off because I don't know if mentally or physically I could work. I feel sore, tired, my head feels like it's swimming and my gut is full of what feels like acid.

So many of you have it so much worse so I feel bad even posting but I just had to vent. I don't have many friends to talk to about it and I usually just get the usual from them anyway. I guess there's really nothing anyone can say.

I know this won't help much (if at all), but I've been right where you are. Almost exactly 5 years ago. It was the worst, most difficult time in my life. Even going out in public was iffy due to the constant threat of a random emotional breakdown. I wish I could tell you there was some trick to getting through it, but it takes time. Having your heart broken is the worst thing in the world. Don't feel like a wimp for taking time off of work. Do what you need to (if you can afford it).

On a related note, my gf and I have been trying to make a long distance relationship work for the past few years. She finally called me early last week and said that she wanted to break up.....Put me right back to that place. I couldn't eat, sleep, focus. Nothing but pain. I was able to get a hold of her a few days later and I'm going to try to convince her that its a good idea that I quit my job and move back (she said that she will call me tomorrow)......I really hope that she takes me back. I feel fine now but dunno what will happen if shes done.

Hang in there. It gets better

 

[jb1234]

Yearning is a fantastic and emotional piece, you should be proud of that composition my friend.

It's beautiful, the way it builds into something so manic and dark towards the end is a beautiful requiem to what it is like to yearn, perhaps from the perspective of people like us. Those of us who face terrible demons, and mental illness everyday.

It reminds me of some of Quadrophenia and how that captures the confusion and angst of growing older, the frustration of not understanding or fitting into society.

It's beautiful man, really.

It was originally conceived as yearning in more of a romantic sense but I'm starting to look at it more as yearning in general. Yearning for happiness, yearning for a life, yearning for the past, what have you. It ends in a major key but in a way that doesn't necessarily resolve the emotions that are expressed in the piece.

Everything else I've written in the last two years I'll be revising but Yearning will go untouched (and one other piece I wrote).

I wasn't sure if it was you or another poster but I think you said you have Fibromyalgia? I have that and Systemic Rheumatoid Arthritis, which kills most people that have it before the age of 30 unlike more common versions of RA. What I'm trying to say though is that I can relate to the pain you feel, the burning itching sensation overall, the pain like daggers in the muscles and the endless exhaustion...

Hang in there buddy...

Thanks, dude. For the first few years, the pain was the worst system but lately, the fatigue has mostly overtaken it. I can kinda push through the pain but on the worst fatigue days, I can't do anything. It's like being stuck in a sea of silly putty and trying to run through it. But what really terrifies me is that it's been steadily getting worse, no matter what I do. I just think, if it's this bad now, how much worse is it going to get? It fucking keeps me awake at night.

How do you cope with your illnesses?

 

[Zeyphersan]

Also, have you ever considered seeking treatment? I'm sure you'd be able to benefit from therapy and/or medication if you're willing and have the means.

Unfortunately, that's not an option for myself at this point in time, though it has been something I've considered. Maybe in the future

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

Unfortunately, that's not an option for myself at this point in time, though it has been something I've considered. Maybe in the future

Try again. The ACA has opened up many options.
Get medicated.

 

[Piano]

Had my diagnosis *upgraded* today, from Major Depression to Major Depression with Psychotic Features. Honestly makes a lot of sense, but I don't really feel good about having an even more severe diagnosis. Got my meds adjusted so I hope I'll see some improvement in my mood after a couple of weeks. Really need to start exercising, find one way to get the chemicals flowing, I just feel so fucking tired, and My motivation is so fucking low in general. I've been relapsed hard core over the last few months, and feel worse than I have in months both mentally and physically. I've had another botched suicide attempt since my stay in the hospital early Feb, and have felt very detached and hopeless. Feel like I'm doing the bare-minimum in every facet of life, and everything feels arduous and taxing. I wake up in the morning and just want to sleep forever, thank god for my family or I would be dead. Only thing that is keeping on this earth really.

More important than the diagnosis being severe or not is whether you feel it's accurate. It sounds as though the change has given you a bit more faith in its accuracy, which is always a good sign. I hope the medication changes are able to smooth things over soon and help you find some baseline motivation.

You mentioned your family - is there any way you can reach out for their support in helping motivate you to exercise or do other activities?

Even if I do ask for there help, I just don't understand the concepts very clearly.

Well, one would hope the concepts would become clearer upon being explained by a tutor. It can't hurt, right? Have you tried any online resources?

Again I'm just supposing here, because I know nothing about coding.

I don't know if I am doing okay or not.

I don't have the money to get the job, nor do I have to money to go there and look for another one.

I am dropping out of University this year to repeat it since it's all I can do, but when I mentioned this my partner (who I can never see again) cried a bunch.

What I was afraid of happened. I learned this about 17 hours ago but I have tried not to think about it until. I don't know how I'm going to react then it settles in.

At least I gave it all a go.

You're dropping out of University in order to re-enroll? And this means you're going to have to separate from your partner?

I'm sorry if I'm being obtuse, just trying to get a clear picture of what's going on. I'm sorry for your struggles.

It's okay, dude. I wasn't expecting anyone to reply to all. As you've pointed out, what is there to say, really?

That said, I do enjoy attention and here's some of my work. I'm retired but able to perform a bit on better days:

"Fisherman's Horizon" from FFVIII

"Yearning", written by yours truly

"If Ever I Would Leave You" from Camelot. My buddy Ken joins me here, just recorded yesterday.

Holy crap, that is some fantastic music! Yearning sounds like a close cousin to the build music from The Sims ... and if you knew how often I listen to those songs you'd know that's a lofty compliment

Seriously great stuff. I've been studying music for years and I couldn't write something that wonderfully contemplative if I tried. Some people have the gift of melody and I don't think I'm one of them.

Stumbled on a bump at my therapy... my therapist insists that it would be the best for me to move away from home, to live away from my parents and other family members.

She is having a theory that I would function much better if I lived alone - theory is that my family members are looking at me as a worker/handyman instead of family member and if I lived away, I would have a lot more peace, spare time and I would be relived of additional work every day. That would mean that I could better focus on myself and my problems.

On this, I agree with her - first words when I arrive from work are not 'How are you' or 'Hi' but 'Can you do this' or even 'Just do this or that/Go to the store/etc'. Those are the words you do not want to hear after 8 hours of physical work. And yes, I do feel like handyman.

But there is always a problem - I work for minimal wage and with it you can only dream about living alone, because rents for a single room are more than half of it each month.

I am stuck at this shitty work, sending job applications around but no luck. I haven't worked in my field for more than a year (because there are no bigger projects and firm that I worked from time to time is barely working).
I have a neurologist on Monday. That could take this work away from me, if they find damaged nerve connections to my arms. My personal doctor is suspecting that something is wrong with main nerve connections in my neck.

Bah, I just needed to vent. I will try to do something about all this. What, I do not know yet.

Perhaps you can hold onto moving away as an aspiration, something you want to do eventually, but work on other goals in the short to medium term? Surely moving out isn't the only tip your therapist gave you, and it's something that will be possible some day.

Unfortunately, that's not an option for myself at this point in time, though it has been something I've considered. Maybe in the future

Depending on your location there should be resources for mental health coverage available for those in all financial and insurance situations. We can't really give specifics without knowing location or circumstances, but I implore you to look or ask around for resources that are available to you. Therapy can and will make things more bearable!

Depressed today, low energy partially because i haven't been able to sleep much.

I have another meeting with my psych on Monday and a meeting with Med Eval on the 20th.

I am still having issues with my Depression and OCD, but I think I'm getting better in some ways. I just think it's going to be a long road.

I keep feeling like everyday is the last, or that something terrible is going to happen. I'm afraid to sleep because of my nightmares, and I recently had a scare with KIKing sexytime groups. Needless to say, I am not messing about with that or reddit or tinder or POF ever again.

I've decided I don't really want a relationship or anything physical, even though I've never had...um... relations.

I'm just not in a space or frame of mind for it, and I need to focus on me and to be honest half the people I meet are fucking nuts or lying about their age which is horrifying. I was so scared and freaking out I told my mom about it, which basically kind of revealed some of my struggles with what I want sexually because to be honest I don't really know. I've been kind of messed up there since my Ex.

I am meeting with an old friend of mine sometime in the next couple of weeks for beers, which sounds great as my stomach ulcers have calmed enough that I had my first cup of coffee in six months the other day and again today; It was like I imagine sex to be. Amazing. . I could also use a bit of company, and perhaps talks of a work opportunity or at least a chance to maybe brew some beers.

I've been considering starting to work on my novel again, full tilt until it's done. No more piecemeal. My psychiatrist/therapist said that might be a good idea.

I'm just feeling exhausted, confused, and scared.

My OCD keeps bothering me.

I'm trying though.

Hang in there, man, consider every next appointment you make it to a step in the right direction. Pretty soon those steps will start adding up.
I think your therapist is right that having an artistic / emotional outlet could be very helpful. I hope you're able to find it in you to keep pouring your thoughts and feelings into your novel.

<3

 

[DrM]

Perhaps you can hold onto moving away as an aspiration, something you want to do eventually, but work on other goals in the short to medium term?

Well, to be honest, that is a very good idea.

 

[Lionheart1827]

It's okay, dude. I wasn't expecting anyone to reply to all. As you've pointed out, what is there to say, really?

That said, I do enjoy attention and here's some of my work. I'm retired but able to perform a bit on better days:

"Fisherman's Horizon" from FFVIII

"Yearning", written by yours truly

"If Ever I Would Leave You" from Camelot. My buddy Ken joins me here, just recorded yesterday.

Dat Jbro masterclass!

 

[jb1234]

Holy crap, that is some fantastic music! Yearning sounds like a close cousin to the build music from The Sims ... and if you knew how often I listen to those songs you'd know that's a lofty compliment

Seriously great stuff. I've been studying music for years and I couldn't write something that wonderfully contemplative if I tried. Some people have the gift of melody and I don't think I'm one of them.

Thank you! <3 Here's something else I wrote that has a similar feel. I don't consider myself a great melodist and it certainly doesn't come naturally to me but I always try to make sure that my music always has a melody, no matter how dark it gets.

Prelude for Peace

Dat Jbro masterclass!

Dat heart of a lion.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Thanks, dude. For the first few years, the pain was the worst system but lately, the fatigue has mostly overtaken it. I can kinda push through the pain but on the worst fatigue days, I can't do anything. It's like being stuck in a sea of silly putty and trying to run through it. But what really terrifies me is that it's been steadily getting worse, no matter what I do. I just think, if it's this bad now, how much worse is it going to get? It fucking keeps me awake at night.

How do you cope with your illnesses?

I wish I had a good answer there, but I'll try my best as to be honest I cope with my diseases about as well as most. Everyday I am reminded of my mortality, and every year I am in more pain and more exhausted than the last and I constantly wonder which infection or cold will actually kill me. SRA effects the immune system, it is an autoimmune disease in which my Immune system is attacking every joint and a lot of connective tissue, it causes considerable pain especially in my back, knees, legs and feet. To be honest it just hurts all over, some days are okay.

For a good long while I was on Medical Marijuana and that helped considerably which was surprising to me but even then like with any medication I did a lot of research and I had to figure out what was the best quality, best strain for my illnesses, if hashish would be a good alternative(it was). Currently, since I can't get good quality stuff and have no money for it I am taking methocarbomal as a trial run to see if it works. It kind of works, but it's still not the answer for me.

I've found that eating more salads, fruits and veggies, and taking walks helps a little bit, enough that after a few weeks to a few months of walking you start to feel a little less terrible.

I can relate to you on how it just hangs over your head like a storm cloud, a constant reminder of your own mortality. It's fucking awful, and it's plagued me for years and only gotten worse for me mentally because I've watched my family's decline, and my own failures while looking at myself like I've got an expiration date. Some days I start counting how many years I might have left if an infection doesn't kill me first.

I've found it's best not to worry about it, to accept it and to everything I can while I still can.

I hope it helps friend.

It was originally conceived as yearning in more of a romantic sense but I'm starting to look at it more as yearning in general. Yearning for happiness, yearning for a life, yearning for the past, what have you. It ends in a major key but in a way that doesn't necessarily resolve the emotions that are expressed in the piece.

Everything else I've written in the last two years I'll be revising but Yearning will go untouched (and one other piece I wrote).

That's what I picked up from it really, the yearning for a life of things that the composer wants the most. It's tragically beautiful.

Hang in there, man, consider every next appointment you make it to a step in the right direction. Pretty soon those steps will start adding up.
I think your therapist is right that having an artistic / emotional outlet could be very helpful. I hope you're able to find it in you to keep pouring your thoughts and feelings into your novel.

<3

Thank you Piano. <3333.


I'll keep going, at this point it's a matter of necessity for my own sanity.

As for my novel, I've thought that maybe I should post it here for everyone to read, errors and inconsistencies(wrong usage of old character names in the prologue chapter, minor grammar issues, and some other things) and all. I need feedback from people that will actually care about my novel besides myself, my immediate family doesn't care and my programmer friend doesn't really like to read unless it's code.

 

[BlueSummers]

I know this won't help much (if at all), but I've been right where you are. Almost exactly 5 years ago. It was the worst, most difficult time in my life. Even going out in public was iffy due to the constant threat of a random emotional breakdown. I wish I could tell you there was some trick to getting through it, but it takes time. Having your heart broken is the worst thing in the world. Don't feel like a wimp for taking time off of work. Do what you need to (if you can afford it).

On a related note, my gf and I have been trying to make a long distance relationship work for the past few years. She finally called me early last week and said that she wanted to break up.....Put me right back to that place. I couldn't eat, sleep, focus. Nothing but pain. I was able to get a hold of her a few days later and I'm going to try to convince her that its a good idea that I quit my job and move back (she said that she will call me tomorrow)......I really hope that she takes me back. I feel fine now but dunno what will happen if shes done.

Hang in there. It gets better

Thanks everyone who replied..I'm not so sick physically and I think I'm just out of tears..so I've just been laying here the past 2 days watching dragon ball. I know it's prob best after a break up to try and work on myself and get out of the house but I have not even left my bed. Just today for about an hour to see my mom for Mother's Day.

She even commented how I looked worn out and sad. I tried to hide it as best I could. To anyone else who is going through this..just know your not alone.

 

[pixelation]

The major thing keeping me alive is the possibility of getting a PS4 and a WiiU in the not so distant future, isn't that pathetic?... of course it is.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

The major thing keeping me alive is the possibility of getting a PS4 and a WiiU in the not so distant future, isn't that pathetic?... of course it is.

It's not pathetic you know, I find that materialistic items are important to my well being and as humans we all need some form of entertainment.

To be honest, you shouldn't chastise yourself for your own personal interests. Some people love exercising, some people love nature and cameras and things like that. It's important to be interested in things that you care about and not necessarily what everyone else tells you to.

That said, try to hang in there and be prepared for when or if things don't work out. Please understand that, everything comes in time but not always when you need or expect it.

Live for tomorrow, and for yourself.

 

[pixelation]

It's not pathetic you know, I find that materialistic items are important to my well being and as humans we all need some form of entertainment.

To be honest, you shouldn't chastise yourself for your own personal interests. Some people love exercising, some people love nature and cameras and things like that. It's important to be interested in things that you care about and not necessarily what everyone else tells you to.

That said, try to hang in there and be prepared for when or if things don't work out. Please understand that, everything comes in time but not always when you need or expect it.

Live for tomorrow, and for yourself.

Thanks for your post dude, i appreciate it.

 

[Team Alucard]

The major thing keeping me alive is the possibility of getting a PS4 and a WiiU in the not so distant future, isn't that pathetic?... of course it is.

Nothing wrong with looking forward to something. The only reason I'm still here is because if I can hold on for another 18 months my life insurance will pay out and I'll actually be able to make my death worth something.

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

The major thing keeping me alive is the possibility of getting a PS4 and a WiiU in the not so distant future, isn't that pathetic?... of course it is.

When I saw this I couldn't hold back tears: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrMivdZ-mbI


You're not pathetic. There are millions of people who don't have much, and to cope they get strength from many different places that other people don't think is that big of a deal. The only ones who are pathetic are those that would belittle those other people who are coping in their own way.

 

[Kama_1082]

I didn't know there was a GAF crew for this. But let me introduce myself:

I'm a 32 year old male, married with a wonderful wife and a smart, awesome 4 year old boy. I have a fantastic, well paying job and everything going for me in life. On the surface, everything should be fine, right? If that was the case, I wouldn't be posting here

Anyways, fast forward to 2 years ago. I had the biggest fucking asshole boss that anyone should ever have. This is the asshole boss that you shouldn't see in a professional, engineering setting. He literally made my and my coworkers life a living hell. I couldn't sleep, eat or enjoy the things I loved to do. I'd drive myself to almost to the point of breaking down. I was depressed and anxiety decided to set in at the same time. Mentally, I was a mess. I was scared to tell my wife because I was afraid she wasn't going to understand.

I finally saw a dr (2 month waiting period ) and she understood what I was talking about and put me on meds which were a great help. I was talkative with my wife, I gained my weight back and everything my boss said just rolled off my shoulders like it was nothing.

Now, my doctor left town to be with her family. I decided to get off the meds and man, the withdrawl was so awful. But, I was fixed. At least I think I was. There are times where it does set in for a few days when I do have a lot on my mind and I decide to shut down or become completely irritable (Good thing I stock piled the anxiety meds and can take those and they help me a lot).

Now, I know I have a place I can speak about what;s going on and know that people understand that that the human mind is completely complex. Glad to be here.

 

[FeenixRising]

I arrived at that dark place once more .

Things were supposed to be looking up for me since the last time I posted here. But just like everything else my life came crashing down on me.

I'm officially homeless.

Nowhere to go, no family or friends to take me in.

Posting on the hard ground of some place I managed to find.

Service on my phone will probably be disconnected soon.

This is just not worth it. I'm so sorry

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

I arrived at that dark place once more .

Things were supposed to be looking up for me since the last time I posted here. But just like everything else my life came crashing down on me.

I'm officially homeless.

Nowhere to go, no family or friends to take me in.

Posting on the hard ground of some place I managed to find.

Service on my phone will probably be disconnected soon.

This is just not worth it. I'm so sorry

Ask around (people on the street) if anybody knows if there is a homeless shelter nearby. Go there, sleep, and get through the night. That's the most important step right now. Hang in there!

If you are thinking of suicide and need somebody to talk to, call this number: 1-800-273-8255 It's for the national american suicide prevention hotline!

 

[Kipp]

The most frustrating thing about depression has to be how fragile good moods are. I'll manage to find myself in a pretty decent mood, but then the second I lose my momentum, depression comes crashing back in. It's not even like something bad has to happen. In fact, usually nothing bad happens to cause my depression to hit. It usually just happens when I run out of things to distract myself with. I have to actively fight it back at all times or else it just consumes me.
For example, I woke up and went to work this morning and was in a pretty good mood actually, then I got home and went for a bike ride, still in a good mood, then the day slowed down a bit and depression kicked in. It's one of the reasons I work 60 hour weeks. I don't need the money, but the more I can keep myself busy, the less of a problem my depression is.
And that's another issue, because I really don't like my full-time job and I like to think I could be happy if I quit, but then I consider how much unhappier I am when I'm not working due to the above reasons. It's just a lose-lose situation.
With that said, I really, really hope my meds kick in soon. I suppose it's only been a month and a week since I first started them, even though it feels like much longer, so I need to give it time.

I arrived at that dark place once more .

Things were supposed to be looking up for me since the last time I posted here. But just like everything else my life came crashing down on me.

I'm officially homeless.

Nowhere to go, no family or friends to take me in.

Posting on the hard ground of some place I managed to find.

Service on my phone will probably be disconnected soon.

This is just not worth it. I'm so sorry

Hang in there, FeenixRising. I really hope you're able to come out the other side (not dissimilar to your username, now that I think about it).

 

[pixelation]

Nothing wrong with looking forward to something. The only reason I'm still here is because if I can hold on for another 18 months my life insurance will pay out and I'll actually be able to make my death worth something.

Thanks dude, i'm sure you can find something to keep you in the fight for a long while still.

When I saw this I couldn't hold back tears: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrMivdZ-mbI


You're not pathetic. There are millions of people who don't have much, and to cope they get strength from many different places that other people don't think is that big of a deal. The only ones who are pathetic are those that would belittle those other people who are coping in their own way.

Thanks dude, good video.