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Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.
- Thread starter Septimius
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Yep. It's no fun being in a one sided thing like that. Stop initiating contact; if she calls/texts you, great! If not, well, then that's that.
Don't mess with other people's relationships. Just don't, that's not cool. You might think you're better, or whatever, but being the wedge that drives two people apart is just crappy, no matter how in the right you think you are. If you really think they're gonna eventually break up, just wait for it to happen naturally.
Stop pining after women in relationships GAF, goodness. Look harder, there's plenty of single, available women out there. Shit, like all of my lady friends were single until like two weeks ago.
*thumbs up*
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
You guys are right, I should forget about her in all honesty. She came over to me at work again earlier today and mentioned her boyfriend. I assured her it was going to be OK (let me stress that I have never once told her to split up with her boyfriend).
What's the best course of action, then? Slowly cut off contact and forget about her?
What's the best course of action, then? Slowly cut off contact and forget about her?
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
You can do as you see fit. I would drop all thoughts or actions related to trying to sway her. If after dropping all that you want to be nothing but friends then find if you think you can do that. You have to make sure to make boundaries and stick to them. This is true of most relationships.
ZackieChan
Member
The old Maxim of "if you have to ask, you probably shouldn't be doing it" applies in most of these situations.
If you wanna just be forward with it, I've done it before.
'Look, I like you and don't really feel comfortable talking about your boyfriend. I'd appreciate if you didn't come to me about this stuff. '
And then do not initiate contact again.
stn
Member
Just tell her you'd prefer not to be involved in her relationship issue. If she still sticks around, be friends with her if you want. If she blames you for not being a helpful friend or something like that, cut contact permanently.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
It's always the taken people that are the most desirable, isn't it.
After two and a half months i finally cut off my ex. She requested peoples names be sent to her because she lost all contacts on her phone, i never replied. The next day she came into the cafe with a guy friend and it didnt bother me at first but then after a few days i realized it just wasnt worth it. I deleted her from facebook where i would see her on chat, i deleted her snapchat where i would see her snaps, and yesterday while working together with advice from my boss i only spoke to her as much as i had to, as she is a person as well as my coworker but now nothing more.
Its hard fam but im getting better.
Its hard fam but im getting better.
If you want her, then go after her.
Terrible advice. Don't go after people who are in a relationship. Just don't. You will be a dickhead and deserve all the sideling you'll get if you do that.
Even though she's in a relationship? That's poor advice.
ZackieChan
Member
Also, you're getting into a relationship with someone who is willing to leave you if someone better comes along. Hard to build trust that way.
DivineRage002
Member
This may sound like an asshole question, but please take it seriously and try to give me a good serious answer.
Why would someone willingly stay with a worse person?
Serious answer? There could be a bunch of reasons. Perhaps the person isn't as bad as the "potential bf/gf" thinks they are; that happens a lot if the single person gets jealous at the person essentially 'taking' their crush.
There can also be more psychological reasons. You might wonder why someone would go back to a physically abusive SO--usually the reason is a psychological manipulation on the part of the abuser. The whole "I'll do better babe" type thing. Heck,
my last SO of 7 or so years was overall emotionally abusive and manipulative, but I fully believed that I could not function without him, and didn't realize that until some time after he broke up with me.
(spoilered that because reasons)
stn
Member
There's a difference between staying with someone who's worse because that person is an asshole, versus someone who's worse because he/she offers less money and luxury. If its the former, why wouldn't you break up with the person, anyway? If its the latter, well, then that person is after what you can offer instead of who you are.
@Assault
Don't go "after her", there's nothing TO go after. You're just a pawn in her game to receive more attention from her boyfriend. In fact, she DID say he wasn't giving her enough of it. Seems very obvious to me. Cut ties and meet other women who aren't going to use you.
ZackieChan
Member
Because relationships aren't business decisions.
DivineRage002
Member
Then again, what they offer is part of who they are. A person with good studies will get a lot of money, but will also be someone with a lot more drive for success, the money comes as a bonus. If you look at something else than money, a nurse or teacher will most likely turn out to be a great caring mother, and will "offer" a lot more, by being who she is.
Not sure if I'm being clear.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Buy there's no such thing as objectively better. Also, just because one person acts some way now doesn't mean it will be the same once you start a relationship. I think most people can attest to that.
Oh... that's what you meant...?
Money and career choices don't mean shit. Many hard-working people don't get great jobs or opportunities, for any number of reasons. And plenty of people with money and degrees are scumbags, and haven't gotten where they were by hard work and have zero drive. I wanted to be a writer for a while--as a writer, would I "offer" thoughtfulness and creativity, at the expense of a good paycheck? Not at all. I'm far from creative and I'm too blunt to be considered thoughtful.
I suppose you can judge people based off their paychecks and careers, but that's sorta shallow and a bit dismissive of those who may have gotten a bad hand in life. EDIT: Not saying you should date only bums or whatever, but it's good to look past the surface.
stn
Member
I get what you mean. Thing is, I separate what a person does from who a person is. If I have this amazing girl but I ditch her for someone with more money, then clearly I have different priorities. I'm more interested in security as opposed to personality in that case. But there's nothing objectively better about the next girl, she just has more money. All it is is going after what's newer and shinier. I personally avoid people who are motivated by that.
This is different from choosing a new girl because the one I'm currently with is arrogant, lazy, bitter, insecure, and so forth. Those are qualities which can distinguish one girl from a "better" one. They tie directly to who the person is, not what the person has.
In the OP's case, the girl talking to him is just using him for more attention. Very cut-and-paste, have seen similar situations before. Been in a few myself but was aware enough to take a stand immediately. The girl in question is only 20, she's likely very immature still. Hence why I told the OP to cut his losses and move on.
DivineRage002
Member
Appreciate all the advice in here, guys. I do think she enjoys the attention, but not in a narcissistic sort of way. She had a bad upbringing and was abused by one of her 'carers', so I think she has some serious psychological issues - her previous boyfriend was twice her age and he left her after a couple months because he thought that the relationship was moving too fast. The insane thing about this was that she even said to me "he would insist on sleeping around with anybody". And after all that, it was him who dumped her!
I am going to take everyone's advice and back off now. Unfortunately, based on everything she has told me, as well as having met her current boyfriend, I am absolutely certain that he is going to be the one who breaks her heart. However, I will do my best to avoid it all starting from now.
I am going to take everyone's advice and back off now. Unfortunately, based on everything she has told me, as well as having met her current boyfriend, I am absolutely certain that he is going to be the one who breaks her heart. However, I will do my best to avoid it all starting from now.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
The fuck is this? Stop with the awkward nice guy white knighting and just cut contact.
Thanks for the advice Max, Jipan, and s2000. She hasn't responded yet, but I think I'm going to try again tomorrow or Thursday. My last text wasn't that great, just a simple "what's up?". So maybe that's why she hasn't responded. I'll try making some concrete plans for the weekend, and if she still doesn't respond I'll just move on.
Blerghh, I couldn't get an erection just when we wanted to have sex. The foreplay we did the last times was just fine with an erection. The moment I needed it I lost my erection. We slept afterwards making out and I got an erection again. Go figure...
This was our first attempt for us both. I'm not stressed but I have a feeling it's performance anxiety. I didn't felt anything but I don't know. She mentioned viagra as a joke but if this happens again i should consider it?
This was our first attempt for us both. I'm not stressed but I have a feeling it's performance anxiety. I didn't felt anything but I don't know. She mentioned viagra as a joke but if this happens again i should consider it?
You just said you got an erection when you made out with her, so no, you don't need viagra.
I think the best way to handle this, is to, at least for the next little while, not expect to have sex when you're together. If you want to make out, do other foreplay, that's cool, but don't go into every night planning on having sex. She seems to already know about your "issue" so I would assume she would play along. If you happen to get an erection while making out again, then progress it into having sex.
Usually this takes care of the problem. The problem being that when you set a date and time that you want to have sex with someone, that's what puts pressure on yourself to perform then and there. Take that away and let it happen naturally.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
It's anxiety. I posted about this before. What I will say is this: if you're building towards a relationship, then you and your partner need to explore what works for you. If she's cracking jokes about viagra and not being understanding, that's an incredible red flag. Now that you're intimate with her, you should have a candid conversation (I don't mean a super serious one, mind you) about what turns you on.
Otherwise, you're groping blindly and you're going to feel the pressure. She is too, most likely (I found out that girls are very self-conscious about not being able to cause their partners to orgasm when performing oral sex). Besides, it's also possible that the more you care about her, the more you want to please her, and the more nervous you are.
Google some Dan Savage on this. Seriously. And no: don't take any pills without talking to a doctor.
Ahh it makes more sense already. We literately scheduled sex for tonight. Didn't work out. The problem was keeping the erection. I lost it the moment I wanted to put my condom on. We went on making out with no plans to have sex and well, it erected again. I know nothing of Viagra so I typed my last response before googling it.
Haha I thought Viagra was some magic pill. Didn't knew anything about it. I just googled Viagra anyway and damm, the price and I indeed read it's more of a medicine.
Luckily the Viagra mentioning was a mere joke and she tried to calm me saying it didn't matter and we would do it in the future. I was a bit annoyed by it not working but oh well. I have already talked about my Feet fetish with her so she somewhat knows (it turns me on) but even when thinking of it it didn't erect
Any link between masturbation and erection problems during sex?
Been dating a girl for five weeks now, and it's been pretty incredible. It's a long distance thing, but we've both made some drives to see each other all but one of those weeks. Only sexual issue so far has happened twice, and it's only been a problem for me. Both times consist of the same general idea:
On that last time, both times this has happened, I haven't been able to achieve full orgasm. I've gotten INCREDIBLY close, but nothing ever...comes out. It's like I'm drained. Still, I continue to go until she's done and satisfied, but I still worry about not being able to finish.
- One of us gets into town super early morning (think 1-2am) and we have sex.
- We go to sleep, wake up around 7-8ish, and have sex again.
- At the end of the day (10ish) we have sex a third time.
On that last time, both times this has happened, I haven't been able to achieve full orgasm. I've gotten INCREDIBLY close, but nothing ever...comes out. It's like I'm drained. Still, I continue to go until she's done and satisfied, but I still worry about not being able to finish.
I asked if she wanted to go out for drinks on Saturday, and she replied quickly that she is camping out of province. I'm not sure if she is currently camping or will be camping, but she said she'll be back on Monday. I told her to text me if she wants to go out sometime, and she replied with a thumbs up emoji. So I guess if I don't hear from her within a week, I'll just delete the contact and move on.
Reizo Ryuu
Member
There is a girl I work with that I guess I like, or whom I worked with I guess since yesterday was her "last" day.
Obvious problem, boyfriend.
Obvious problem, boyfriend.
ZackieChan
Member
Move on.
which means she's not really on the market unless she clearly signaled you she's interested in you romantically, which puts you into "do you want to engage with someone who breaks off a relationship for when another guy comes along" territory.
But unless that is the case, don't bother.
Make putting on the condom part of the foreplay, rather than a non-sexual 'oh crap, I have to put on the condom' act which would in turn stress you out
Dude, stop overthinking this. You got a little anxious during sex one time, and couldn't keep it up. It happens, just chill, no need to look things up or try to find links or whatever. Just relax.
You probably are drained, with only a little sleep and a lot of sex. When my bf and I tried three times in a day or so, he was too drained to finish himself. I wouldn't worry about it too much :3
Well, that settles that, plenty of other fish in the sea.
Reizo Ryuu
Member
There haven't been any clear romantic signals.
From the very first day I haven't flirted with her, because since we had to work together I wanted to avoid any unnecessary awkwardness, I don't think I've even given her a single compliment, heck I've been keeping mostly to myself.
Yet she has grown quite fond of me; coming into my office to do her work, even though she has her own place with more direct colleagues (she's an office type, I'm a designer).
The only person in the office she talks with on whatsapp.
Becoming more "handsy" over time, trying to tickle me; yesterday she started brushing my hair...
I absolutely had to wait on her to walk with her so she didn't have to walk alone to public transport.
A few months ago I "fake" ignored her in the office (as a joke reference to something she said), and she got pretty upset thinking she did something and I was mad at her.
Since yesterday was her "last" day, I made a quip about when she was going to delete my number and she got slightly upset again.
Yeah I dunno, I'm not going to become the guy that she does all the bf stuff with and then just goes home to her bf (even though she hardly sees him), so I either just ignore her from now on and maybe hurt her feelings, or I say something.
stn
Member
Stop wasting time with her, dude. Its actually very easy: "Hey, listen, I'm not down with the level of interaction as of late. You're in a relationship and I don't want to be in the middle." From there she will get the hint. If she truly likes you, she'll do it the proper way and break up with her current boyfriend before flirting with you. If she doesn't like you but just wants attention, she will now stop.
well, yeah, so you guys are friends and you're possibly the only dude from work she likes.
Reizo Ryuu
Member
She's friendly with everyone and doesn't dislike any of them.
I wouldn't say we are friends, I engage in social activities with friends. She's more an acquaintance to me.
well, she considers you a friend and acts that way. a work-friend if you will.
Anywho. She's not on the market and doesn't show any concrete signs of interest in you, imho. Move on, i'd say.
I had the exact same problem you're having when I started dating my current girlfriend. I also posted about it in this thread (or well, a previous one, it was over three years ago). After dating for a month or so we just woke up one night at 5am and we just did it. (Was my first time.)
Haha I thought Viagra was some magic pill. Didn't knew anything about it. I just googled Viagra anyway and damm, the price and I indeed read it's more of a medicine.
Luckily the Viagra mentioning was a mere joke and she tried to calm me saying it didn't matter and we would do it in the future. I was a bit annoyed by it not working but oh well. I have already talked about my Feet fetish with her so she somewhat knows (it turns me on) but even when thinking of it it didn't erect
Any link between masturbation and erection problems during sex?
My girlfriend was pretty much like yours. Well, maybe she didn't literally joked about using Viagra, but she was patient with me and said she didn't mind waiting.
About your last question: on average I rubbed one out almost daily I think. After the first failed attempt at having sex I threw away all my porn and stopped masturbating completely. Of course I can't say for sure it wouldn't have worked out if I kept doing it, but I've seen people here suggesting porn fucks with you (pun intended).
Lone_Prodigy
Member
Nobody remembers all those details about "acquaintances". I think you do like her.
The issue resolved itself anyway. You're no longer coworkers so you won't see each other every day. If she contacts you, keep things cordial.
So I don't know where to post this, so... I hope this is acceptable? I don't really know if anyone can offer advice, but I'm just feeling a little down right now.
I've been dating a guy for a couple years, I really do care a lot about him. A grand majority of our relationship is long distance. We're both really young, I just turned 20 (yesterday, actually haha) and he's 19. So I'm aware, I can just move on, but, I don't think anything is fundamentally wrong right now. I'm just.. kind of scared of the future? Worried? I don't know.
We started dating in high school, but now we're in college and he goes to school in California, while I stay in Florida, but I'm still far from home. I'm a year ahead, so our first year was mostly when I was in college and he stayed at homebase. It was long distance, but at the very least I came home during breaks and it wasn't too bad. Year 2 was when he went to California, and boy, that was hard. So now its summer, and we've both been home for a over a month at this point, and we've got until some time in August. We can only see each other during the summer and during winter break.
When he went to California, that was so hard for me, or at least both of us. He was trying to make new friends while he was away, while I was still trying to make meaning out of my own college experience...
Anyway, it's gotten better since then. His second semester was a lot better for both of us in terms of our relationship. We rarely ever have had altercations, there have been times when sure, we might be a little frustrated, but thankfully we've never been in a situation where we've been pissed off at each other. Of course, we do have our downs on occasion. We've seen each other at least once or twice a week since summer started and not once have I felt like last summer, when... he really didn't treat me well. I think it was because of the transitional period between high school and college? But anyway, I feel like after he's gone to California, when we see each other he sot of values our relationship a lot more, too.
Anyway, I know its important to move forward and forget about the things that have happened in the past. It's also important to not look too far in the future. I know that it's not the end of the world if we stop because we're both young. But.. it's just so hard. Because now every time I see him, I feel a little sad when its over. Like, I know I should enjoy the time now that we're together, but like knowing that he's going away again, so far away. And like, is this just how it's going to be forever? He wants to video game art, he very likely won't be making his living here in Florida. We talk now, we have the same interests, we still care about each other and so, there's not much wrong. I don't want to break up or anything, but the thought that I'm in college, and I spend so much time thinking about him, and that it might just end in separation anyway. It saddens me, I don't want him to go. Clearly I can't do anything about it, we both have to go to college, and do our thing. It's just... so much has been put into this, you know? And every time we see each other, I just leave and while I know I'll see him soon again, it's kind of like the hug wisps away knowing that this is so. Temporary. There has been nothing wrong for me to say "I think we should move on" I just feel like, in the long term, that is something that may need to happen.
I know not a lot of advice can be given, I suppose. I've sort of mentioned briefly my feelings, but never super seriously, I don't know if us sitting down one day and telling him how I feel about separating again will really help anything. I guess it'll let met me know if he has the same fears. I just don't want to be going through all of this for nothing, you know.
Sorry, thanks for reading.
TL;DR
Distance sucks, bless you guys that do it.
I've been dating a guy for a couple years, I really do care a lot about him. A grand majority of our relationship is long distance. We're both really young, I just turned 20 (yesterday, actually haha) and he's 19. So I'm aware, I can just move on, but, I don't think anything is fundamentally wrong right now. I'm just.. kind of scared of the future? Worried? I don't know.
We started dating in high school, but now we're in college and he goes to school in California, while I stay in Florida, but I'm still far from home. I'm a year ahead, so our first year was mostly when I was in college and he stayed at homebase. It was long distance, but at the very least I came home during breaks and it wasn't too bad. Year 2 was when he went to California, and boy, that was hard. So now its summer, and we've both been home for a over a month at this point, and we've got until some time in August. We can only see each other during the summer and during winter break.
When he went to California, that was so hard for me, or at least both of us. He was trying to make new friends while he was away, while I was still trying to make meaning out of my own college experience...
Anyway, it's gotten better since then. His second semester was a lot better for both of us in terms of our relationship. We rarely ever have had altercations, there have been times when sure, we might be a little frustrated, but thankfully we've never been in a situation where we've been pissed off at each other. Of course, we do have our downs on occasion. We've seen each other at least once or twice a week since summer started and not once have I felt like last summer, when... he really didn't treat me well. I think it was because of the transitional period between high school and college? But anyway, I feel like after he's gone to California, when we see each other he sot of values our relationship a lot more, too.
Anyway, I know its important to move forward and forget about the things that have happened in the past. It's also important to not look too far in the future. I know that it's not the end of the world if we stop because we're both young. But.. it's just so hard. Because now every time I see him, I feel a little sad when its over. Like, I know I should enjoy the time now that we're together, but like knowing that he's going away again, so far away. And like, is this just how it's going to be forever? He wants to video game art, he very likely won't be making his living here in Florida. We talk now, we have the same interests, we still care about each other and so, there's not much wrong. I don't want to break up or anything, but the thought that I'm in college, and I spend so much time thinking about him, and that it might just end in separation anyway. It saddens me, I don't want him to go. Clearly I can't do anything about it, we both have to go to college, and do our thing. It's just... so much has been put into this, you know? And every time we see each other, I just leave and while I know I'll see him soon again, it's kind of like the hug wisps away knowing that this is so. Temporary. There has been nothing wrong for me to say "I think we should move on" I just feel like, in the long term, that is something that may need to happen.
I know not a lot of advice can be given, I suppose. I've sort of mentioned briefly my feelings, but never super seriously, I don't know if us sitting down one day and telling him how I feel about separating again will really help anything. I guess it'll let met me know if he has the same fears. I just don't want to be going through all of this for nothing, you know.
Sorry, thanks for reading.
TL;DR
Distance sucks, bless you guys that do it.
Yeah, sometimes there doesn't need to be something grossly 'wrong' with a relationship for it to end and for you to have to move on. I know it's hard to let go of something if you've invested years into it. But having invested years into it is in and of itself not a reason to stay invested. You're young.
Long distance is a massive strain on a relationship. Is it fair for you to only be able to only be able for see your SO during summer and winter breaks? You should do a pros/cons list and see what's best for you.
Long distance is a massive strain on a relationship. Is it fair for you to only be able to only be able for see your SO during summer and winter breaks? You should do a pros/cons list and see what's best for you.
ionitron, I've had enough friends regret long term relationships that spanned their early 20's because they felt they had wasted their college days, and that wasn't long distance.
It may suck in the short term but you'll be doing yourself a huge favor removing worry about what someone 3,000 miles away is doing.
It may suck in the short term but you'll be doing yourself a huge favor removing worry about what someone 3,000 miles away is doing.
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