'We need to talk'

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T

Theecliff

Banned
so yeah

i've been seeing this girl i met at uni for several months now and everything was going great (or at least i assumed so). we haven't been able to see each other for over a month now and we had both planned on her coming up to see me after i returned from my holiday. well, that was the plan, but over the last week she slowly stopped contacting me for one reason or the other and following a bunch of slightly cryptic and cold replies she basically said 'we need to chat'.

now i'm completely thrown. i had a strange gut feeling that something was wrong when she hadn't been contacting me nearly as much recently, but this text has made me straight up paranoid.

she won't tell me what's wrong over text and wants to talk to me when i get back from the holiday, which is on Thursday, so i have another day or so to agonisingly contemplate what she wants to say. there's no point in me being naïve about it all, i've heard the 'we need to chat' line before (i'd assume we all have in some way) and it's never, ever been good. the most recent example of someone saying that line to me was when the previous girl i was seeing completely broke it off with me. my main worry is this is exactly what my gf wants to do too, but i really don't know why :/

like i said, i thought things were going really well. we get on, talk often, joke around just as much, any argument has been relatively tiny and resolved almost immediately, we are attracted to each other, and the sex has been both regular and great. we literally spent hours every day with each other at uni. but now i'm thinking whether i've done something wrong, or said something stupid. or maybe she's just changed her mind on everything? but if she has i don't understand why :(

of course, i'm assuming a whole lot here. she may not want to break up with me, but the way everything's worded suggests that it isn't positive - so it could be something nearly as bad relating to us. maybe she's pregnant? or ill? neither really alleviate any sort of anxiousness i'm having though and something tells me these are going to be much less likely. i wish none of these possibilities were true at all.

if she does indeed want to break up with me, i don't know what i would do with myself. i genuinely really liked this girl and i haven't found myself feeling like this towards anyone in a long while. she is incredibly smart, witty and beautiful and has made me incredibly happy from day one.

rn as i'm writing this it's like 2am where i am and i can't get to sleep because i feel uneasy to the stomach and that i could cry at any moment. having depression for a year and a half now certainly doesn't help any of this, and is part of the reason why i'm so paranoid and anxious. every time i feel like things are improving for me or i can move past shit, stuff like this is waiting there to knock me the fuck back down. part of me is saying it has to be me, my fault, but i literally can't think what i've done wrong and that's the most frustrating part. hits my self esteem hard. makes me feel like shit. makes me feel useless. i was happy with her, and chances are in the next day or so it will all be over and any happiness i had will be gone and I'll be back at the bottom of the pit again.

i want to believe that i'm overreacting. this thread is basically focused on one shit possibility out of many. that even if it isn't a positive chat, it's nothing too bad. but past experience, wavering self esteem and anxiety are all telling me different and i feel like shit :(

i've been the happiest i have been in a very long time in this relationship and it's all because of her. i really don't want this to end. hopefully it doesn't, but i'm scared for what she'll say to me come Thursday. bloody anxiety
 
V

vatstep

This poster pulses with an appeal so broad the typical restraints of our societies fall by the wayside.
The four worst words in the English language.

Well, that, or "Whose bra is this?"
 
G

GhostWriter24

Member
Normally if you have a gut feeling about something, you're right, so just mentally prepare yourself for what's coming. Good luck, bud.
 
M

mrjohill

Member
This happened to me like a month ago. If she does break up with you just take some time to yourself man. It may hurt but it gets better.
 
O

owlbeak

Member
She banged (or is currently banging) another dude while you were apart, didn't know how to break it to you, distanced herself from you and now feels like a piece of shit and wants to come clean.

Sucks to hear, OP, but I'd bet money that is what's going on. :[
 
F

FunkyMunkey

Banned
the takeaway life lesson from this is that some people are great at pretending and hiding what they're thinking. sometimes there is literally nothing you can do and instead of being sad about that aspect, try to reign in the idea and take comfort in it. there are countless others out there and you'd rather be with someone who isn't pretending i'm sure
 
M

Mimosa97

Member
You already know what's coming. Just brace yourself. Don't beg or try to convince her to stay with you at all cost. It will just make it worse.
 
W

weemadarthur

Member
That's a lot of distance for so early in a relationship.

Even if you didn't do anything wrong, it is possible that the relationship is too hard to maintain for the emotional return on investment. Or maybe she means she misses you and can't wait to talk.

I'm sending you an internet hug (hug).
 
N

NateDrake

Member
A month apart is kind of a long time when you are still young. It's easy to lose interest in a person with that much time to yourself. I would guess she is planning on ending things or wants to see how you feel about the current status of the relationship. Simple advice is: talk to her. Don't get yourself too worked up over what it could be.
 
A

akira28

Member
dump her in your heart, today. So if she doesn't dump you on Thursday you will feel better, and if she does, you were already prepared.

Also prepare some love sonnets and give them to her either way. As a true expression of your heartfelt love, or as some awkward, cringe me to sleep, passive aggressive last gesture you hope will literally guilt her to death.
 
S

Stopdoor

Member
I'm kind of in a similar situation myself except it's been a 3 year relationship, away from home for the summer and suddenly she's become distant and weird.

Seems like she's wavering and I don't really understand why, I feel like I've done all I can. Leaving it in her hands seems to be all I can do. Don't really want to face it falling apart.

So I dunno, just saying I get you.
 
entremet

entremet

Member
Also since you're mentioned you're in university, it means you're mostly young.

Honestly, university relationships are about the least serious ones out there.

Many people are not in the serious relationship state of mind, so adjust accordingly.

People are finding themselves, having fun and what not.

Sure there are exceptions, but let those people prove it by their actions.
 
Goro Majima

Goro Majima

Kitty Genovese Member
The good news is that you'll live OP.

Mentally prepare yourself for some life altering changes though. Basically get ready to workout a whole lot to keep your mind off things.

Also the good news is that it's highly statistically improbable that she's the best you'll ever do so just take comfort in knowing that there's someone better out there when you're ready to make that jump. Until then, get your lift on bro.
 
R

Raptor

Member
WHy dont you ask her directly now as of right now?

Makes no sense to wait if she will break up with you, what does she want? the satisfaction of seeing your reactions when it happens¿?

She is mean.
 
C

Coffee Dog

Banned
Raptor said:
WHy dont you ask her directly now as of right now?

Makes no sense to wait if she will break up with you, what does she want? the satisfaction of seeing your reactions when it happens¿?

She is mean.
Click to expand...

You don't have major relationship conversations over the phone.
 
K

koryuken

Member
JB1981 said:
It's over. Be prepared for that
Click to expand...

Agreed, most likely she was being cold to you to mentally disengage and put some distance. Knowing that you are in college, she probably found someone else. I'm not trying to be mean and I am very sorry that you are going through this. More than likely this is the reality, prepare for the worst buddy. Godspeed.
 
D

deejay8595

my posts are "MEH"
Theecliff said:
so yeah

i've been seeing this girl i met at uni for several months now and everything was going great (or at least i assumed so). we haven't been able to see each other for over a month now and we had both planned on her coming up to see me after i returned from my holiday. well, that was the plan, but over the last week she slowly stopped contacting me for one reason or the other and following a bunch of slightly cryptic and cold replies she basically said 'we need to chat'.

now i'm completely thrown. i had a strange gut feeling that something was wrong when she hadn't been contacting me nearly as much recently, but this text has made me straight up paranoid.

she won't tell me what's wrong over text and wants to talk to me when i get back from the holiday, which is on Thursday, so i have another day or so to agonisingly contemplate what she wants to say. there's no point in me being naïve about it all, i've heard the 'we need to chat' line before (i'd assume we all have in some way) and it's never, ever been good. the most recent example of someone saying that line to me was when the previous girl i was seeing completely broke it off with me. my main worry is this is exactly what my gf wants to do too, but i really don't know why :/

like i said, i thought things were going really well. we get on, talk often, joke around just as much, any argument has been relatively tiny and resolved almost immediately, we are attracted to each other, and the sex has been both regular and great. we literally spent hours every day with each other at uni. but now i'm thinking whether i've done something wrong, or said something stupid. or maybe she's just changed her mind on everything? but if she has i don't understand why :(

of course, i'm assuming a whole lot here. she may not want to break up with me, but the way everything's worded suggests that it isn't positive - so it could be something nearly as bad relating to us. maybe she's pregnant? or ill? neither really alleviate any sort of anxiousness i'm having though and something tells me these are going to be much less likely. i wish none of these possibilities were true at all.

if she does indeed want to break up with me, i don't know what i would do with myself. i genuinely really liked this girl and i haven't found myself feeling like this towards anyone in a long while. she is incredibly smart, witty and beautiful and has made me incredibly happy from day one.

rn as i'm writing this it's like 2am where i am and i can't get to sleep because i feel uneasy to the stomach and that i could cry at any moment. having depression for a year and a half now certainly doesn't help any of this, and is part of the reason why i'm so paranoid and anxious. every time i feel like things are improving for me or i can move past shit, stuff like this is waiting there to knock me the fuck back down. part of me is saying it has to be me, my fault, but i literally can't think what i've done wrong and that's the most frustrating part. hits my self esteem hard. makes me feel like shit. makes me feel useless. i was happy with her, and chances are in the next day or so it will all be over and any happiness i had will be gone and I'll be back at the bottom of the pit again.

i want to believe that i'm overreacting. this thread is basically focused on one shit possibility out of many. that even if it isn't a positive chat, it's nothing too bad. but past experience, wavering self esteem and anxiety are all telling me different and i feel like shit :(

i've been the happiest i have been in a very long time in this relationship and it's all because of her. i really don't want this to end. hopefully it doesn't, but i'm scared for what she'll say to me come Thursday. bloody anxiety
Click to expand...

Sounds exactly like my situation 1 1/2 months ago. Everything was going well in which we would text/talk on the phone every night, then all of a sudden the texts/calls slowed down from her without any reasoning. I had a gut feeling she was being distant from me for some odd reason. Thing was, I never had a girlfriend for all 29 years of my life, and I "thought" this would be my first. Fast forward 1 month and I decided to delete my facebook, but checked her facebook page one last time before I deactivated my account, and low and behold she was hugged up with another guy on the beach with friends. At this point in time I wasn't upset since I knew she ditched me for no reason and told myself "Embrace what you see...let it sink in man". Well after going no contact for 3 weeks, while at work she texts me out of the blue reminiscing about a video she made of her younger sister doing a soda challenge we would always talk about..... I Didn't even think about responding to her text. Funny thing is, she probably hit me up out of the blue since her new dude did something wrong. She figured she could come running back to me like everything was all good....F that!

Embrace the single life my man if that's what it comes down to...
 
N

Ninja Scooter

Member
If you are at uni I assume you are young, and if you are young I would only tell you not to put all your eggs in any one girl's basket. You are both young. Feelings change. Relationships change. Don't build it up to be anything more than what it really is.
 
V

ViewtifulJC

Banned
Has anything ever good come after ya girl says "We Need to talk"

"We need to talk...which set of lingerie do you like better?"

"We need to talk...about this amazing 6-in-1 pressure cooker I bought you!"

"We need to talk...about True Detective, I mean its REALLY trash this season, right? Tell me I'm not crazy here."
 
C

crimsondynamics

Member
What she is doing is also extremely unfair - raising your anxiety levels with unknowns.

When they tell me this (okay, not the same but similar) - "I've got something to tell you but I'll tell you later" - I demand that they tell me that instant. If you're not prepared to tell me now, don't lead me on a leash. Tell me when you are ready to tell me.

I usually follow up with "Yeah, I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and remember those times we [insert your preferred sexual activity here]? Well he told me something that I think you deserve to know. But I'll tell you later, okay?"

I'd insist that she tells me or to zip it. But if I were a gambling man, I'd say prepare to move on.
 
A

Archer

Member
Realize these are narcissist tendencies. She has the power over you. You let her by going along with her scheme. Again, take the upper hand and just go cold.
 
Davey Cakes

Davey Cakes

Member
CrocMother said:
Pull a Costanza and break up with her first
Click to expand...
If you HAVE to take advice from GAF, this is it. It's bold. It's getting ahead of the game. It's not letting you heart get ripped out.

Most people here think they're right about these sorts of things. Relationships are just not that easy to pin down, unfortunately. Best of luck getting through this.
 
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