ugh_the_boot
Banned
Just relax brah
'We need to talk'
- Thread starter Theecliff
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Quite honestly, you have already expended more energy on this than you should. When you are 30, you are going to look back and wonder why you cared so much about something ultimately so trivial. Now, it's here on the internet to remind you and everyone you know, forever.
Most likely this (but I could be wrong).
industrian
will gently cradle you as time slowly ticks away.
As a 30 year old, I can attest to this.
Stevetopsy
Member
Usually people are pretty good at reading a situation like yours. If you've felt it in your gut that she's been acting different and now she wants to have a "talk", odds are she doesn't feel the same way about you as she did before. Take comfort in knowing you're obviously not alone in having to deal with this type of situation. Add mine to the heap:
I was with a girl for about a month and everything was legit perfect. It felt like she was even more visibly into the relationship than I was which was definitely a first. Sure enough she started to act strange and distant about a month in (one of my longer relationships). I eventually told her to just spit it out and she essentially told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. It was night and day, one week i'm in complete bliss with this person and the next it feels like that person is gone and now this stranger stands before me.
So, like it's been said already in this thread: Learn to embrace the single life. That's not to say close yourself off altogether from ever having a relationship, but just to learn how to accept the reality of the game. It will hurt if she leaves you and nothing can make it not. Eventually you will get over it and be able to function normally even if it always leaves a bad taste in your mouth as my experience did to me. That plus my parents getting divorced and other longtime relationships i've seen evaporate due to one partner becoming bored of the other and finding something better. I don't buy into any soulmate bullshit and it's apparent that to have a long lasting relationship requires a great deal of luck first and foremost, luck that 2 people find each other whose shit they like about each other consistently outweighs the shit they don't like.
I was with a girl for about a month and everything was legit perfect. It felt like she was even more visibly into the relationship than I was which was definitely a first. Sure enough she started to act strange and distant about a month in (one of my longer relationships). I eventually told her to just spit it out and she essentially told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. It was night and day, one week i'm in complete bliss with this person and the next it feels like that person is gone and now this stranger stands before me.
So, like it's been said already in this thread: Learn to embrace the single life. That's not to say close yourself off altogether from ever having a relationship, but just to learn how to accept the reality of the game. It will hurt if she leaves you and nothing can make it not. Eventually you will get over it and be able to function normally even if it always leaves a bad taste in your mouth as my experience did to me. That plus my parents getting divorced and other longtime relationships i've seen evaporate due to one partner becoming bored of the other and finding something better. I don't buy into any soulmate bullshit and it's apparent that to have a long lasting relationship requires a great deal of luck first and foremost, luck that 2 people find each other whose shit they like about each other consistently outweighs the shit they don't like.
DistortionOfReality
Member
Had this talk several times when me and my gf were at seperate unis.... take my advice here and don't try and salvage it if she gives you the opportunity.
Had this happen to me a few times, and let me tell you, if she is feeling this way/she cheated on you, she will again in the future. It's just not worth the hassle and heartache.
Best of luck bro
Had this happen to me a few times, and let me tell you, if she is feeling this way/she cheated on you, she will again in the future. It's just not worth the hassle and heartache.
Best of luck bro
IISANDERII
Member
That's not a good sign. Sounds like you're holding on too tight and putting too much pressure on the relationship and/or her.so yeah
i've been seeing this girl i met at uni for several months now and everything was going great (or at least i assumed so). we haven't been able to see each other for over a month now and we had both planned on her coming up to see me after i returned from my holiday. well, that was the plan, but over the last week she slowly stopped contacting me for one reason or the other and following a bunch of slightly cryptic and cold replies she basically said 'we need to chat'.
now i'm completely thrown. i had a strange gut feeling that something was wrong when she hadn't been contacting me nearly as much recently, but this text has made me straight up paranoid.
she won't tell me what's wrong over text and wants to talk to me when i get back from the holiday, which is on Thursday, so i have another day or so to agonisingly contemplate what she wants to say. there's no point in me being naïve about it all, i've heard the 'we need to chat' line before (i'd assume we all have in some way) and it's never, ever been good. the most recent example of someone saying that line to me was when the previous girl i was seeing completely broke it off with me. my main worry is this is exactly what my gf wants to do too, but i really don't know why :/
like i said, i thought things were going really well. we get on, talk often, joke around just as much, any argument has been relatively tiny and resolved almost immediately, we are attracted to each other, and the sex has been both regular and great. we literally spent hours every day with each other at uni. but now i'm thinking whether i've done something wrong, or said something stupid. or maybe she's just changed her mind on everything? but if she has i don't understand why
of course, i'm assuming a whole lot here. she may not want to break up with me, but the way everything's worded suggests that it isn't positive - so it could be something nearly as bad relating to us. maybe she's pregnant? or ill? neither really alleviate any sort of anxiousness i'm having though and something tells me these are going to be much less likely. i wish none of these possibilities were true at all.
if she does indeed want to break up with me, i don't know what i would do with myself. i genuinely really liked this girl and i haven't found myself feeling like this towards anyone in a long while. she is incredibly smart, witty and beautiful and has made me incredibly happy from day one.
rn as i'm writing this it's like 2am where i am and i can't get to sleep because i feel uneasy to the stomach and that i could cry at any moment. having depression for a year and a half now certainly doesn't help any of this, and is part of the reason why i'm so paranoid and anxious. every time i feel like things are improving for me or i can move past shit, stuff like this is waiting there to knock me the fuck back down. part of me is saying it has to be me, my fault, but i literally can't think what i've done wrong and that's the most frustrating part. hits my self esteem hard. makes me feel like shit. makes me feel useless. i was happy with her, and chances are in the next day or so it will all be over and any happiness i had will be gone and I'll be back at the bottom of the pit again.
i want to believe that i'm overreacting. this thread is basically focused on one shit possibility out of many. that even if it isn't a positive chat, it's nothing too bad. but past experience, wavering self esteem and anxiety are all telling me different and i feel like shit
i've been the happiest i have been in a very long time in this relationship and it's all because of her. i really don't want this to end. hopefully it doesn't, but i'm scared for what she'll say to me come Thursday. bloody anxiety
navii
My fantasy is that my girlfriend was actually a young high school girl.
I remember an ex who went cold on me, so I went cold back, then she said "what are you doing? Everything is ok", as if she had been acting perfectly normal. Then a year later she went cold again so I continued on like nothing was wrong, and she broke up with me.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
Not saying it's this, but I got that juuuuust before my girlfriend of 5 years told me she wanted to sleep with another guy. Not fun.
General_Frags
Member
Reply back with "I know" and break off all communication with her.
Any extra knowledge will just ruin you at this point.
When you return home try and embrace single life again and hang out with some friends to lessen your pain.
Any extra knowledge will just ruin you at this point.
When you return home try and embrace single life again and hang out with some friends to lessen your pain.
Chuckie
Member
Why not? It seems every time a thread like this comes up, GAF is right.
I can't count the times OP returned to the thread saying: "You were right GAF, she cheated on me.." or "you were right GAF, I should have broken off all contact".
Now in this topic most people are advising OP to prepare himself for the worst... should he really not listen?
JensenBeeswax
Member
OP, we've all been there. It's very reasonable to assume she's breaking up with you. The good thing is, you have several ways to handle this gracefully.
First of all, credit to her that she wants to do it face to face at the very least. Now, when it happens, do not ask for an explanation. That is never something you want to actually hear. You might think you do, but trust me, you really don't. Tell her you accept it and that it is what it is. Make sure you emphasize that this means farewell because you will have absolutely zero contact after the talk is over.
I mean it. Zero contact. Delete her everywhere. She's a ghost of a distant past now. You will miss her and you will want to contact her, plead and beg and negotiate. Do not do it. It will disgust her. It will fuck your self esteem. It will make your life miserable.
Instead, focus on yourself. What's some things you've always been meaning to do or get better at? Go for it. Learn an instrument, hit the gym, maybe get into nutrition and clean up your diet. Whatever, just fill your time.
Do not contact her! Do not stalk her social media.
Then again, maybe it's something else entirely. Good luck, man!
First of all, credit to her that she wants to do it face to face at the very least. Now, when it happens, do not ask for an explanation. That is never something you want to actually hear. You might think you do, but trust me, you really don't. Tell her you accept it and that it is what it is. Make sure you emphasize that this means farewell because you will have absolutely zero contact after the talk is over.
I mean it. Zero contact. Delete her everywhere. She's a ghost of a distant past now. You will miss her and you will want to contact her, plead and beg and negotiate. Do not do it. It will disgust her. It will fuck your self esteem. It will make your life miserable.
Instead, focus on yourself. What's some things you've always been meaning to do or get better at? Go for it. Learn an instrument, hit the gym, maybe get into nutrition and clean up your diet. Whatever, just fill your time.
Do not contact her! Do not stalk her social media.
Then again, maybe it's something else entirely. Good luck, man!
Ban Puncher
Member
CyclopsRock
Member
Also it's way, way easier said than done, but whilst the relationship might make you happy, it's more important to find a way to be happy without a relationship. A partner should be someone who makes your life better, not someone who makes your life full stop. Aside from anything, you shouldn't be dependent on anyone else for your happiness. Not that this realisation makes getting dumped any better (if indeed that is what's happen).
industrian
will gently cradle you as time slowly ticks away.
This.
Never return to the scene of a crime, never return to a woman that left you.
And for the love of god if she contacts you after breaking up then don't go back. Because if you do, then she will perceive that as you coming crawling back. This will then set the tone and build the foundation of the painful, sad, despairing relationship that will arise from it.
After breaking up, go somewhere to take your mind off things. Focus on self improvement (work out, etc) and just take it day by day. It'll crush you in the short term, but it gets better.
Falcs
Banned
Yeah this guys got it right.
You'll feel better quicker if you just go cold and focus on yourself, and forget about her.
thanks for all the kind words gaf.
there's no point in me doing anything before talking to her on Thursday. until then i'll try not to think about things too much and have a decent last day on holiday.
we haven't been able to see each other in a month or so now since we don't exactly live near each other outside of uni and several things have come up. she's been working down south whilst i live up north, a few weeks ago a relative of mine in Spain died so i had to go for the funeral and recently i've returned to Spain with my family to have a proper holiday for the last week and a half. we had planned for her to come up to mine once i got back from my holiday and spend a week together before moving back down to hers and spending a week or so travelling about.
before i went to sleep she texted me saying it isn't anything i've said or done and that nothing has happened to her or anything (so yeah pregnancy scare is extremely low), but it still doesn't exactly fill me with confidence. one of the reasons i've assumed she wants to break up with me is because after saying she wants to talk to me when i get back she said she wants to ring to chat about the idea of coming to mine, which suggests that's completely off the books now and i'm assuming it's because she wants to break up with me (but again this is just me assuming the worst). maybe that's all it is - she can't make it to mine - and i'm completely overreacting rn. i hope so, but the way it's worded makes me think it's more than that.
so yeah, hopefully everything turns out okay but i'm not holding my breath. i was looking forward to seeing her again and i assumed everything was okay so i wasn't really expecting any of this :/
btw as i mentioned we don't live near each other (several hours away) it won't be face to face - that's not really possible. so it'll be over the phone. the whole reason this was brought up was because she was supposed to be coming up to mine after i got back from holiday and in bringing it up she said the whole 'we need to talk', shoulda made that clearer
there's no point in me doing anything before talking to her on Thursday. until then i'll try not to think about things too much and have a decent last day on holiday.
we haven't been able to see each other in a month or so now since we don't exactly live near each other outside of uni and several things have come up. she's been working down south whilst i live up north, a few weeks ago a relative of mine in Spain died so i had to go for the funeral and recently i've returned to Spain with my family to have a proper holiday for the last week and a half. we had planned for her to come up to mine once i got back from my holiday and spend a week together before moving back down to hers and spending a week or so travelling about.
before i went to sleep she texted me saying it isn't anything i've said or done and that nothing has happened to her or anything (so yeah pregnancy scare is extremely low), but it still doesn't exactly fill me with confidence. one of the reasons i've assumed she wants to break up with me is because after saying she wants to talk to me when i get back she said she wants to ring to chat about the idea of coming to mine, which suggests that's completely off the books now and i'm assuming it's because she wants to break up with me (but again this is just me assuming the worst). maybe that's all it is - she can't make it to mine - and i'm completely overreacting rn. i hope so, but the way it's worded makes me think it's more than that.
so yeah, hopefully everything turns out okay but i'm not holding my breath. i was looking forward to seeing her again and i assumed everything was okay so i wasn't really expecting any of this :/
btw as i mentioned we don't live near each other (several hours away) it won't be face to face - that's not really possible. so it'll be over the phone. the whole reason this was brought up was because she was supposed to be coming up to mine after i got back from holiday and in bringing it up she said the whole 'we need to talk', shoulda made that clearer
True Savior
Member
One month departure in non consolidated relationships are just fuel. Life can be shitty. New things , new stuff , more time to think about what you have now. You're a goner.
Don't get anxious or sad or whatever. You will have time for it in the future. Be at ease and respect her option. Giving an hard time for the person who wants to break up can also be very shitty.
Don't get anxious or sad or whatever. You will have time for it in the future. Be at ease and respect her option. Giving an hard time for the person who wants to break up can also be very shitty.
JensenBeeswax
Member
Oh, so it's a long distance thing while she's in college? That doesn't exactly scream serious relationship. Quite the opposite, really.
You'll be fine though. Look for a girl in your own town and maybe look a bit into your co-dependency issue. Again, I've been there.
Yeah, I don't get this. Why bring up 'we need to talk' at all, then? If you can 'only talk' on Thursday, then why not just talk to you on Thursday. Why bring up ominous foreboding, all while dropping cryptic hints? And if it isn't a 'big deal', why not just tell you now?
I mean, it's not like you'll be talking face-to-face anyway. Why wouldn't you be able to talk now with current technology?
i doubt it's done on purpose. i don't want to villify my girlfriend here - the only reason she's said the line to me by text this early is because i brought up the whole coming round to mine after i get back and chances are she either can't or doesn't want to come anymore.
because i mentioned about her coming up and staying over at mine. it's obviously related, I'm assuming it's because she wants to break up with me. she didn't bring it up out of nowhere.
True Savior
Member
Did you never broke up with someone ?
Because throwing that shit without preparation is hard. For both. She's paving the way.
Personally I hate the "we need to talk" sentence. Especially if the day of the talk is more than one day away.
Just break up. I rather get a message in which it is explained why and that she wants to break up than making myself crazy for two or more days.
I find it is cruel to give someone the feeling that you will break up but they will have to wait for x-amount of time sitting around going nuts just because you want to say it in their face/over the telephone.
Never used it. I just sad down with her asap and told her why I am thinking the relationship is not working and that I do not see a future.
But everyone is different.
I can kind of understand that you could find my way cruel.
True Savior
Member
If you're a decent person , who likes the other person and nothing bad happened between both , breaking up is never easy. Nothing worst than to go with the mindset of having a great time with your gal and get a fucking hammer in your head . Just like its cruel to play with the person expectations and go there and throw the hammer. As Theecliff said he mentioned something about staying over . Hence her comment.
The we need to talk is just another mechanism to express concern over something. That concern might lead to a break up. In this case she wants to say it personal , which seems much better than a simple message.
I agree its kinda vile to say it and then wait days.
no, we go to the same uni, we met there. the last time we saw each other was about a month ago when uni ended and summer started. outside of uni we live several hours away. at uni we were literally a ten minute walk across campus away. we had planned to see each other once i got back from this holiday, and in asking about that prompted the we need to chat line.
Rabbi_Vole
Banned
Preemptive strike. Start dating her mother.
Gee I hate posts like this. What the fuck would make you think that from the skerricks of info he provided? Sometimes I think people aim to make people feel bad.
Winter John
Member
The only time you're gonna hear, "We need to talk." is when she's pregnant, screwing the football team or getting rid of you for a newer, better model. If I was you I'd take a date to the meeting. Preferably one of her hotter, fitter friends.
To be honest though, if your relationship can't survive not seeing each other for a month, it was probably not meant to be. About a year ago I was going out with someone and she had to go home for a month for a funeral. After she came back her texts were oddly a little off key sounding, and I knew it was coming. We went out to watch X-Men DoFP and she was quieter than her usual self, and she seemed to carefully contemplate each sentence that she said; as if she was working up her courage. As I was walking her home she let me down gently. I was ready but in the end it still hurt. Good luck to you OP.
JensenBeeswax
Member
I see. Well, my guess is she ran into an old flame back home and F'ed up.
dreamcastmaster
Banned
Yes, but the feeling of relief when it's not that topic is strong. 99.9% It's always bad, along with that's talk about us/the relationship. You just got dropped in a minefield.
I was in this exact same situation once and you should probably be glad that she's not going to try working around it. She likely hooked up with an old flame, so her choice now is whether to tell you. Some girls might decide to enjoy the old flame for a summer, then hook back with you at Uni like nothing happened... best of both worlds and all that.
When I was in this spot, I had been invited to visit the GF out of town during holiday break and stay at her house. When I got there it was all cold shoulder and going thru the motions. She'd bought some tickets to a local sporting event and I just told her to fuck off and skipped out. She later confessed, but it had been painfully obvious that she was trying to have it both ways. After the break was over she had neither.
nogoodnamesleft
Banned
honestly truthfully and brutally, it sounds like shes going to break up with you. i wish i could go back in time to my younger self when i heard the "we need to talk" and tell myself to pull the costanza and do the break up first. the only time i would not do this is if this girl meant more to me than just another gf (planned marriage, have children, or something stronger than just a standard attachment"
with that said, break up with her first. it'll hurt a lot less imo.
with that said, break up with her first. it'll hurt a lot less imo.
thecouncil
Banned
i feel like this post might be a joke because it's close to the stereotypical GAF response of "she found new dick", but...
this one HAS to be a joke.
Damn Damn Damn!!
Ben Morales
Member
I bet they are still hashing it out.
freenudemacusers
Member
if it makes you feel better she probably decided a year ago
My ex walked into my friend's leopard print bra hanging off my fan.
After yelling at me, she took off her panties and said hang them in place of that bra now.
Didn't turn out that bad for me ^_^
...Scatter...
Banned
Sorry buddy. On to the next one. Just remember that women are 51% of the population.
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