Is there a name for second guessing yourself?
Everything I do, I always questions myself. Why am I doing this? Should I do this?
I even question myself about this post. It has gotten to a point that's it's a taking a negative toll on me.
I think second guessing
is the name. It's only four syllables, so I'm not sure it even needs to be condensed further. I'm sorry you're having such trouble with second guessing, Gray Matter. Do you feel it comes from a place of anxiety (worrying about the choices) or low self esteem (feeling the choices are stupid) or maybe something else entirely?
Yet, just like what you posted, that mood has the potential to be tremendously artistic, poetic even. I hope you're able to find some solace and some understanding, kwixotik.
Bob doesn't really know how to deal with it so he just stays quiet and does whatever he's doing at the time. His wife is more nurturing. It wasn't like a loud explosion of sobs or anything, just wet eyes and tears going down my face. I retreated to the guest bedroom to be alone after a while.
I find that sort of reaction to be the norm with lots of men, unfortunately, and I suppose it must be part of the reason I've gravitated towards women as close friends since high school. That being said, sometimes those uncomfortable gaps can be crossed simply by facing them head on and talking about it. Resistance to uncomfortable = awkward.
Anyways, I know it's been a rough month, jb, and I continue to hope that things look up soon.
Thanks for all the responses, guys. This really means a lot to me.
I currently still have a little bit of hope that I can save the relationship, but I think just have to accept that it can end really soon.
I really want to change for the better. Not only for her, but for myself. I really want her to stay and want to feel her better again. A temporary solution won't help at all in this situation.
Never really thought about therapy, but I can definitely see myself going to if this all goes wrong.
My question is, though, would it change her mind if you opened up to her about how you know it isn't working and agreed to seek therapy? It might, it might not, but sometimes it can help to hear that someone close to you who you're having a tough time with is at least taking the steps for, as you said, a "change for the better". Again, you sound completely resigned to what you see as your fate, and I and others here are wondering whether talking it out with her would illuminate what's actually going on.
I have no idea what. The worst part is that were friends now and im not bothered by her, yet i still feel this down practically every day. And no, i havent considered treatment. I take these saint-johns wort vitamins and it helps. Its better than it was but not gone.
I would strongly recommend seeking therapy if you're able to, VM. A therapist could help you break down what it is that has happened and hopefully you'll find the pieces you can start putting back together for a better life.
Therapy is something we so often think about as an option for other people, or something for a situation unlike the one we're in, or something we'd go to if things were this way or that way. It's not. It's for human beings, like you and me, who are stuck in emotions that they cannot make sense of or work out of and need help doing so. So, to me, it sounds like you're in a spot where it could be a tremendous help.
Being able to step back and analyse situations when I go wrong is still very difficult.
I had a bit of a disaster earlier today. I met somebody from work in a shop I was in. I went over to her and said hello but the conversation was incredibly awkward and forced:
I said hi,
She said hi and asked what brought me to the store
I said I was just looking at the clothes for cycling
Awkward silence
I said see you later.
I left the store feeling awful and it really ruined my gym workout. I think I might have blanked an ex-work colleague unintentionally who was in the same area.
I've been trying to think of what made the conversation awkward and what I could have done differently in order to learn from it:
- I could have approached and spoken more enthusiastically. I was quite timid when I approached and a bit glum, so this set the wrong tone for casual conversation.
- I could have expanded on why I was looking for cycling clothes - that I was thinking about starting to cycle to work to get fitter. I know that she cycles so I could have used that as a conversation point.
On the bright side though, at least I approached! Not that long ago I would have made myself as invisible as possible and left the store.
What I think is interesting is that, from what you described, that doesn't sound like a disaster at all! It sounds uncomfortable, sure, but perhaps the way you're thinking about it is what's turning it into a disaster?
Either way, what's done is done and the most we can hope for is to carry our past experiences into our future to guide us.
So remember how I said my primary care doctor called me and told me my testosterone levels were healthy and then referred me to an endocrinologist anyways?
So anyways, my primary care doctor ran two blood tests testing my testosterone levels. The first one was super low, so then he ran a second one to confirm. After the second one was when I got the call saying my testosterone levels were healthy. So one would assume that meant the second test the testosterone levels were higher.
I asked the endocrinologist about this today to see if he could explain what the deal was and he was confused. He showed me the results from the two tests and as it turns out, the second test was even lower than the first one; first test was 200 (healthy levels are 350-1100) and the second test was 150). Why on earth did they tell me my levels were healthy before?
Oh well. They did the right thing by sending me to an endocrinologist regardless, so whatever. Still baffling though.
That is baffling, but at least now you know what's going on. Strange that they wouldn't tell you right away.
Oh, on a separate note, I was listening to a conversation my mom was having with someone else (for reference, she doesn't know I have depression or anything) and she said something along the lines of "You know, we make the choice to not be downtrodden [or some word like that]; I'm not saying that depression or whatever isn't legitimate, but we do make the choice to be happy or sad."
Not an exact quote, but it was that exact sentiment. I don't even...
And this whole conversation came about when she was telling the story about how she temporarily lost her wedding ring. Truly a crisis worthy of a reference to depression.
That's a common perspective, unfortunately. It's not as though there isn't a bit of truth in it - we do have a lot of influence over both the external and internal circumstances that can lead us to be "downtrodden" or otherwise suffering. However, it's not a "lightswitch decision", not something that you can wake up one day and just "will" to turn on or off, rather identifying those characteristics and working to change them is a long, involved process of self-reflection and behavioral conditioning. And even then, the control is nowhere near the absolute of "I will no longer be sad!" Sadness is inevitable.
Perhaps you could change her perspective, though? I dealt with a somewhat similar limited perspective from a good friend several years ago and was able to get him to understand through patience, explanation and some analogies. The first step was having him understand that his emotional spectrum is not absolute, in that there are many emotions people out there feel that he has never felt and may never feel. Same with me. Same with any of us. Once someone understands that they can't, you know,
understand then it becomes a lot easier to get them to buy into how the experience of "sadness" could be so different for you than them. The biggest impediment, I've found, is people snapping to assuming someone else's experience is the same as their own. "Oh, I get anxious sometimes!" Yes, we all do, but I'm talking about problematic, constant, debilitating anxiety that is not clearly connected to any circumstance.
I hope you're able to have her understand at some point, Kipp.
Thanks for responding, Piano. And Chewie, too.
I'll ask this question for the crowd: what benefits does a therapist bring? Yeah, it's a generic question, but it's an honest one! I completely get the need to see psychiatrists; I'm 100% down with the idea of seeking treatment for problems that require -- let's say -- M.D.-level care. I'm sure that therapists provide a valuable service, but I'm not quite sure what it is beyond what I've seen in popular media.
I mean, I know what I've got to do -- stay active, cultivate friendships, continue applying for jobs (it's a function of time; I'm making myself more marketable), throw myself figuratively at the dating wall 'til something sticks. I also know that I could work on staying more balanced and mindful.
First of all, I agree largely with ceramic's fantastic description above. These days there's also a "third wave" of therapists under the umbrella of DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy) but its approach is sort of like CBT, just with different techniques you learn.
I have found behavioral therapy (CBT / DBT) and analytic therapy useful in different ways at different points of my life.
At points, CBT was right for me. I was having specific, emotional and behavioral problems and I needed specific, guided treatment and techniques for how to deal with those circumstances. I learned a lot of valuable lessons in that treatment.
For the past few years, however, I've seen a couple of more analytic therapists, and it's been appropriate for where I am in my life at this point. I'm at a place where I've been able to figure out a lot of my "emotional homework" on my own or in conjunction with my therapist rather than needing specific instructions, and instead my interest has turned to building an understanding of the causes of my emotional difficulties (anxiety, panic, etc) so that I can slowly dismantle them and restructure my life such that they aren't as much of an issue. Analytic therapy is a longer game, as it takes a long time to gain an understanding of self and you can only do it with a therapist whom you trust and whom you feel has a good "understanding" of how you work, but I've found the results to be worth it.
It's worth noting, however, that few therapists I've seen are STRICTLY CBT/DBT or analytic. Usually they're a mix of both; the CBT therapist I saw also talked to me about my history, my situation, et cetera, not JUST my symptoms, and the analytic therapists I've seen have also given me specific goals or checkpoints. They just usually lean one direction or the other, depending on whether they deem it more beneficial to work from the top down in relieving symptoms and trying to alleviate suffering that way or from the bottom up in exploring the causes of things and trying to root them out so that they don't continue to be problems.
DBT I don't have as much experience with, just a period of group treatment, but I do really, really like what I've seen and read about it and many of its core tenants are the kinds of things that I've been working on myself and found helpful (mindfulness, for instance).
Here are two more posts I made a few months ago on therapy:
Therapy vs Psychiatry
How therapy helped me after a bad breakup
If you have more questions, feel free to ask, and I'll answer them as best I can.
But therapists also cost money. (How much? I don't have regular health care.)
That varies heavily, so I can't really give one answer. Depends on where you live, who you see for what, and whether you've got insurance A, B, Z or no insurance at all. Generally there are options for all situations unless you are truly in the middle of nowhere.
Probably not. I have felt like an empty shell since adolescence, and my memory of my childhood is hazy at best. I can remember events and details clearly, but not how I felt at any of those particular times. I can't recall if I had any dreams growing up either.
There is nothing at all in life that I enjoy or do because I simply want to, everything is a carefully calculated and forced endeavor.
One would wonder whether something in your development as a child or adolescent led to having empty feelings so early on. Certainly I wouldn't believe you to be simply "less whole" or something; there must be a catalyst for what's happening. As such, it seems like a good idea to explore what that catalyst or those causes may have been so you can work to stabilize them and feel more whole, right?
