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[Fall Into The GAF]

I'm struggling a lot with my creativity and emotions.


I've made posts about this before, so I am sure some will read this and immediately roll their eyes. I'm 21 and under a lot of pressure from my parents back home to pursue schooling and make some meaningful moves toward the career I want. Obviously as anyone would think, i'm my own person and am always free to do what I want with my life. I agree with them though, and I am very passionate about what I would like to do. Currently I work part retail, part graphic design in a local clothing brand/ screen printing service. My boss is alright, he throws me a lot of creative projects that involve heavy illustrative work since he knows it is my passion. I have received three different internships based on my portfolio work, but all have revolved around screen printing, whereas my actual dream is to be a conceptual artist for a game studio.

I have a lot of conflicting emotions regarding my current place in life, some positive but a lot negative. I am friends with a couple people that regularly meet in my city to discuss their work in the video game industry. A few of them are artists, but only one of them is currently employed. Her work is absolutely incredible, and far surpasses what I have made. I have talked with her a lot, and she has pointed me in the direction of tutorials she used to get where she is. I am putting time into using them, but I am having trouble with it. My most dominant conflict is with how downplayed art careers are, and the experiences I have had with talented, unemployed artists. I am not naive enough to claim no one can land these jobs, but I can't help but feel intense fear when I meet someone who's capabilities surpass mine, and they struggle with employment. I also struggle a lot with comparing myself to the success of my significant other. She has been attending a six month course for the career path she is currently interested in, and has already landed a part time internship at an incredible restaurant. I am beyond proud of her, especially having witnessed her transformation from the very beginning. The problem is, I haven't developed nearly as much. I have worked on a lot of cool projects with my current job, and I am proud of the shirts out there with my designs on them. It isn't what I want to be doing though. I know it, and she knows it. It makes the little successes I make there feel like nothing.

Despite my uncertainties, I have not attended school yet. My boss is working on my recommendation letter for a local school. Meanwhile, I haven't finished a single piece of artwork in an incredibly long time. Every chance I get to sit and practice, I stress myself out, or become too anxious to finish. I have a lot of trouble concentrating and learning the methods in the videos I watch. It's as though I want to get better but my mind won't let me. Part of me wonders if it is because I am pressuring myself to draw to further my career, and that I can only do well when I am not trying. The other part of me knows I have never felt as inspired to push myself as I did during the concept art showcase for Bethesda's E3 conference. I have felt motivated by a lot of things, but nothing made me desire to work on a team more than that presentation. Because of that, I know I want to draw for a studio like Bethesda more than anything, but I am not sure how to plan things out for myself and actually reach milestones toward that goal.

Anyway, that is the end of that. If anything, it is nice to vent and write out my feelings. I guess it feels similar to talking to someone about my troubles, another thing I have a hard time with.

I am in the same spot, somewhat. I did do some book cover art for pennies and dimes but I am still considerably insecure about my own skillset. Lately, my motivation has become sour and even though I did love the shit out of that Bethesda conference, sometimes things like that discourage me depending what mood I am in. My thoughts go to "I'll never be able to do that" because I am fighting myself to have the drive to improve and not be stuck in the same creative habits.

At least I woke up today feeling good, so that's good. It's gooood.

 

[Piano]

Well I've no doubt that therapy is not only beneficial to some, but truly can be an absolutely life-altering service, particularly when an extremely competent, that should absolutely be sought out by anybody struggling; it just really isn't something which I believe is for me, as not only has it not helped in my current situation, at all, but the level of distrust I have towards the service, the near-complete resilience, and how previous experiences have shaped me as an individual, all combined with a great inability to express myself well through verbal communication, renders it a rather unhelpful asset to me.

Well, the question is, is there a way to overcome that distrust, even slightly, in order to get a greater sense of whether this life-altering service can alter your life as well. The verbal communication I view, personally, as a hurdle but not a disqualifier; there are many ways to communicate with someone, and many configurations a therapuetic relationship can take. Not to mention verbal communication skills are just that - skills - and are always moving and changing.

Well, yes and no. I know that they are in fact self-depricating thoughts and try not to focus on them, but in a sense I also think they're... true? Like I don't think I'm wrong in my evaluations. It's hard to explain.

Hmm, can you try your hand at an explanation? I'm not quite sure what you mean.

This is gonna sound kind of crazy but my p-doc recently prescribed me a muscle relaxer for social anxiety. Let's just say I don't have social anxiety anymore, at all. I feel one hundred percent my self and at ease in social environments now. Giving eye contact doesn't require effort anymore. It's called baclofen, related to phenibut, which if you search the internet will procure hundreds of reports of it being extremely pro-social. I love this stuff.

That sounds awesome, wonderbrah. I had no idea there were medications being used out there for social anxiety. I'm glad you were able to find something that worked!

Programming shouldn't be my conclusion to my eternal failure but my last sentence should be. I dislike me so much because the last part relates to how I function in life which relates to my job, which relates to school, which relates to conversing with people, which relates how I use words, which relates to programming, etc. My apologies if I'm going off, you even pointed out a mistake I've made with my evidence doesn't match with my conclusion. I'm not sure if I want to connect with them because I don't want to sound stupid and they're better off doing whatever important things they're doing than helping me since I'm going to be a waste of time for them.

Right, but the only common ground I see between all of the things you've listed is your intensely critical self-perception. I don't draw a conclusion of you being a failure from what you wrote - the only conclusion I see spelled out is that you're really, really hard on your own case, and you really don't like a lot of things about yourself. Both of those are formidable issues, sure, but they're things that can be worked on, could we only come to identify and understand them as an issue.

Back when I first went on effective anti-anxiety medications, my anxiety finally abated, largely, but, I was sad to find, my problems didn't evaporate. Because a big, big problem was how much I hated myself and I just hadn't been paying attention to that line of thought, instead following its offshoots to faulty conclusions ("I'm not good enough at x y z" or "everyone hates me" etc).

I'm not saying my experience is yours. It's not. I cannot understand exactly how you think or feel. But I can say that from everything you've told me, everything that you think so strongly points to your eternal failure, the biggest common thread I see is a heavy, heavy self-image. So maybe that's a place to start.

As far as connecting with others; I think the information you will gain from talking others through your questions about the program and career path will far outweigh the strength of their judgments of you. Now, perhaps your perception of their judgments of you will be very heavy, but again, that's a sorta separate issue. I really think you have a lot to gain from reaching out to some others, and I hope you can find the strength to do so. It could really help make all of this seem less like a directionless fog.

i think i've always had the thought, i'd never go through with it though. a lot of the time it feels like i'm just talking out my ass or invasive thoughts or. something. i dunno.

i guess lately i've just felt more stress + anxiety and my depression is starting to flare up more than usual. i guess my self image issues have gotten worse as well.

i started a new job last month, and while it's good making money and actually feeling slightly productive, i'm starting to hate it and i feel really bad because of it. since i'm the "new guy" i feel like i'm getting walked all over by my other coworkers. i've also had a lot of issues with the scheduling and every time i asked if i could get different hours they basically do the handwave "uhuh yeah we'll look into it". i've been working 10 hour days even though i'm scheduled for 8 and i don't get home until late because of it and it also makes me feel really lonely since nobody is awake to talk to or anything.

i guess that's how i was feeling earlier too, really lonely. and on days like my dad's birthday and the day he died i guess i just get lonlier since he's gone. it's been 5 years and i'd like to tell myself i've handled it well but i haven't. my mom's starting to date again and i'd like to be supportive but it just feels really off to me. i also get really worried about her, it sound so cliche but some men are such creeps and i'm afraid they're out to get her or something. my sister doesn't do well with it either. i also feel really like my sister hates me lately, because of my sexuality and stuff. she looks at me like i'm disgusting any time i mention my relationship or anything and it just really brings me down.

leading from relationships, i'm in a long distance one. i love my boyfriend a lot but lately i really feel the distance. also, adding to before, loneliness. last time i saw him in person was may and the earliest i'm going to be able to see him again is february or march, and i feel selfish because of how alone i feel because of that.
also the thoughts of marriage have been kinda ganging up on me lately. i feel like i want to spend the rest of my life with him but i'm so afraid if i do propose it'll be too soon or i'll fuck up or something. i also feel like at least getting engaged will help start to bridge the distance, because we've talked so much about getting at least a little closer.

i guess in semi-good news, today marks a month without cutting. i've relapsed before and i feel like a fucking idiot about it but i'm really persevering about it. i've been distracting myself whenever i get to the point where i feel like i'd need to do it.
i've also been starting to work on my game backlog which also makes me feel a little accomplished. so far i've finished 10 games this year.


i kinda went on for a while there, sorry, but it felt kind of nice to share.

It strikes me, Labrys, that many of the issues you're talking about are issues of transitions. It's like you're between checkpoints, and the distance between them is causing all kinds of doubts and questions. You haven't settled into the new job, or your mother dating, or your difficult relationship with your sister, or your relationship, or whether you want to get engaged, and so on, and that sort of not-knowing, especially on that many issues simultaneously, can be really exhausting.

I don't know that any of those questions can be answered by anyone else, but I think the more you let them sit around in your head and keep moving forward the more little bits of answers will start appearing. You're already making progress - I think it's wonderful that you haven't cut in a month, and I think that speaks to more than just sheer willpower.

Also, you're not selfish. Distance is hard.

Tomorrow I'm headed to prison. Although I'm no author, I plan on documenting my stay while dealing with BPD and alcoholism. Gives me something to focus on during my year and a half away. I'll miss this thread. Thanks to all who've shared their stories and encouragement.

I hope things unfold well for you, megatronium.

How does one know they are at the point where they are depressed? Like I hear the term used often and wonder if it is used correctly or if its use matters? Or is there a difference between clinical depression and the common use of depression to describe one's state?

As others answered above there are a lot of discrepancies. My general usages of the terms are that everyone will get depressed at points in their life (death of a loved one or other tragic happening) but a depressive disorder is when these episodes, which can be characterized by low mood as well as a lot of other symptoms, are recurring, or don't clearly sync up with reality.

But what do I know.

Thank god for a nice weather, because I am having a bit of a downfall again. Job searching is really taking its toll and I spend too much energy on it without any results. Looks like I have only two option: reclassify to some other profession or migrate somewhere.

Are either of those options appealing, DrM?

My ex won't let me go at the moment. She constantly texts or tries to call me and either actually realised that she loves me or just doesn't want me to be with a different person. Suddenly she wants her Little Mermaid Blu-ray back that she didn't give one fuck about when she broke up with me. She is just looking for dumb reasons to visit me and I don't want that, as she would definitely try to make a move. She also has been cutting herself a lot over the last few days and even though I shouldn't blame myself, I do. I was so proud of her when she stopped all of that during the first months of our relationship and now I'm insanely afraid that she might end up doing even worse things to herself. I made myself clear that I don't want her back, but she is not accepting a no. I hate that I am now the person that has moved on.

It's a fine line to walk, but I think it's possible to both keep your distance and encourage her, when appropriate, to get help. Self-harm is never good.

I haven't seen a specialist yet, they really like to drag ass with booking your appointments 1-2 months when you need help now and yeah, being fast and loose with terminology like that isn't wise, especially for something that needs to be rigorous as scientific consensus, but I know the mental health side of things is as you said nebulous. It's a shame because the uncertainty of my condition causes me anguish.

So you've made appointments for 1-2 months down the line? Perhaps you could keep calling around and making more appointments - you can always cancel them, but you can't go back in time and make them if you end up needing them. That's what I did when I was looking for a provider.

I haven't popped in here for awhile (everything's been going great) but I wanted to drop by and let everyone know that if they need a mod in here, for whatever reason, to feel free to PM me.

Thanks, besada. Glad things are going well.

Yeah, I find working on my garden to be very therapeutic, and I'm interesting in pursuing a vegetable garden in the future.

I'm not the drinking type (I don't drink any sort of alcohol), but I have gone to bars and clubs in the past, in order to secure some new connections. It wasn't my scene, especially when the drunkards started to beg for some cash to purchase a drink (or twenty). I did go to a singles night event at a local pub, and the guys there were cool, but nothing came out of it. But, oh god, every female that was there wanted to slit my throat. Even for something simple as asking for the time, they feel like I'm trying to hit on them, which is something I don't do in any fashion.

Bars aren't my social scene either, Blues1990, never really were even back when I did drink (do not drink currently). Surely there are other social outlets you can explore, though - for me, I found engagement with the arts to be right for me and my best way of meeting new people. Have you tried pursuing other interests socially?

Anyway, that is the end of that. If anything, it is nice to vent and write out my feelings. I guess it feels similar to talking to someone about my troubles, another thing I have a hard time with.

I didn't roll my eyes.

The career world is scary and uncertain, especially in the art fields. I'm still figuring it out myself (I'm in music), but the best advice I can give currently is: make a list of the things you consider yourself good at. Either skills you have or skills you'd enjoy / be willing to develop. Then begin to think about what sorts of careers utilize these skills. Both aspirational careers and more realistic options. See if you can orient yourself toward a few of those, knowing that you can probably switch to related things later if need be.

I'm starting therapy tonight which is something I've never done before. I've not slept/ate much and I'm not good company cause I'm anxious about it but I've taken a diazapam and I'm feeling settled for the time being.

Here's to a brighter future cause I know this can't last.

I hope therapy went well, BattleMedic, I think it could be tremendously helpful in your situation. Have you spoken to your girlfriend about your worries?

At least you have a woman you love. I've graduated university without a single meaningful romantic relationship. Haven't managed to get laid once during the 3 years of my course, only have kissed girls but that's it. I don't feel I have particularly close friends either. To do a new Bachelor's course is really expensive, I wish I had dropped out instead of forcing myself to continue to study a subject I began to hate intensely and getting lacklustre grades. I am an academic and social failure.

Royal_Phalanx, University is not the only place for either social or romantic exploration. Judging by your post you're close in age to me - mid 20s - and I can assure you that it's far too soon to write yourself off as a failure.

Both academically and socially there are ways to climb up from here. They may be difficult or unpleasant or take a while to pay off, but they do exist. Would that we could find the magic solution that fixes our suffering instantaneously but I haven't found it yet. Instead we just have to start the slow climb, and get help doing so if we need it.

The one thing we cannot do is go backwards. The past is done. We are here now. We must find a path forward from this point. Your life is not over. You are not doomed to suffer for the rest of time. The only thing we can count on in this world is impermanence; I have yet to encounter anything in my life that is permanent, good or bad.

I'm sorry you are suffering, and I hope we can offer you some support, help, guidance, solace or what have you to keep you going.

<3

 

[Zeyphersan]

Hmm, can you try your hand at an explanation? I'm not quite sure what you mean.

So when I'm drunk and caught up in my own head and being super self-depricating and projecting that onto other people, I know that it's my own brain doing this to me. Like I know that my friends probably don't secretly hate me and that they probably don't actually despise me and want me to kill myself, it doesn't stop me from also thinking that it's true. Like even though I know all these thoughts are totally internal, in a sense I still believe them. So when you say it's great that I can consciously separate my reality from these repetitive thoughts it's like... I can but I can't.

The problem is I love getting drunk so what am I going to do?

 

[co1onel]

co1onel, have you talked to your therapists or psychiatrist directly about your anxiety, fear and panic over your appointments?

No. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. He says my blood-pressure is abnormally high, but is attributing it to the medicine. I am too afriad to tell him, but I'm going to try to talk about it tomorrow.

 

[The One Who Knocks]

Well, the question is, is there a way to overcome that distrust, even slightly, in order to get a greater sense of whether this life-altering service can alter your life as well. The verbal communication I view, personally, as a hurdle but not a disqualifier; there are many ways to communicate with someone, and many configurations a therapuetic relationship can take. Not to mention verbal communication skills are just that - skills - and are always moving and changing.

Well, the therapist issued me an ultimatum, either I also see a psychiatrist in my university and continue seeing him, or he will be unable to work with me and will hve to escalate it to the head of the Student Counselling Service who would, more than likely, also have to escalate it with outside mental health services. According to him, I'm one of only twenty people he's ever had to escalate things with.

So, once again, this shit has repeated itself. Can I overcome that distrust? No, I'm done with mental health services. Once I see that psychiatrist I'm never speaking to another member of the profession again. I'd rather my mental health dissolves completely than to see another.

 

[Kipp]

I think I've been on Zoloft for 6 or 7 weeks now and I'm still feeling horribly depressed. I scheduled a doctor's appointment in two weeks (to give the meds just a little extra time to be sure they're not working) to switch medications. I think I'm going to ask if I can try Wellbutrin since my main symptoms are low energy and anhedonia and I guess Wellbutrin is supposed to give you energy.

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

So you've made appointments for 1-2 months down the line? Perhaps you could keep calling around and making more appointments - you can always cancel them, but you can't go back in time and make them if you end up needing them. That's what I did when I was looking for a provider.

I am on state insurance so I am only able to go to state funded behavioral clinics. If I go to an independent psychologist/LCSW, I have to pay out of pocket per session. With the aforementioned clinics, they get dicey with scheduling appointments. More often than not, they'll turn you away because demand is too high/the month is fully booked. However, if I were to switch insurances, I'd probably have more options but that would mean I'd have to cough up on average $200 a month which is money I don't have at this point.

I need to find work too so at least I could pay out of pocket/pay for better insurance, but those prospects are pretty dire too.

 

[redlegs87]

I think I've been on Zoloft for 6 or 7 weeks now and I'm still feeling horribly depressed. I scheduled a doctor's appointment in two weeks (to give the meds just a little extra time to be sure they're not working) to switch medications. I think I'm going to ask if I can try Wellbutrin since my main symptoms are low energy and anhedonia and I guess Wellbutrin is supposed to give you energy.

Since starting Wellbutrin 4-5 months ago it has helped me quite a bit. I get out more to exercise and feel like pushing myself. It took at least a month to really kick in for me. I hope either the Zoloft kicks in or if you do start Wellbutrin that it helps you out like it has me.

 

[Kipp]

Since starting Wellbutrin 4-5 months ago it has helped me quite a bit. I get out more to exercise and feel like pushing myself. It took at least a month to really kick in for me. I hope either the Zoloft kicks in or if you do start Wellbutrin that it helps you out like it has me.

Thanks for the well wishes. I'm glad to hear Wellbutrin has worked well for you!

 

[Pakkidis]

My brain doesn't know how to turn off It wakes me up in the middle of the night and reminds me of painful things long past. I play the scenario over and over again. Maybe I should have done this and that, said this, be happier, maybe things would have turned out differently....repeat.....over and over and over and over....

Sometimes my brain likes to make up imaginary scenarios as well as if to make me feel better over the painful ones i.e If you did this..then this would have happened and everything would have turned out amazing.

*sigh*

 

[Pakkidis]

There is a good scientific article called rethinking rumination that you can find online that provides some good insight and advice. Thought it may help some people out.

 

[AcridMeat]

Song that will forever cheer me up until my deathbed.

 

[Steamlord]

So the hypnotherapy doesn't seem to have done anything. I'm not surprised.

Now my psychiatrist has prescribed me these L-methylfolate capsules that are supposed to enhance the effects of SSRIs if you have a folic acid deficiency. I don't know if I have that deficiency or not so I guess I'll just wait and see if there's any effect.

 

[ceramic]

I've recently been trying to induce myself into crying to get over the huge inhibition that I have towards it. Only tried twice so far but the second attempt was easier than the first as I was more aware of the tension within my neck and jaw where I was holding it in.

Anyway I have made some more progress, I've actually built up the courage to send somebody a message on OKCupid. This is huge for me as I have virtually no history of approaching anybody romantically - though obviously I kept the message light and related to their profile. I haven't received a response yet and probably never will, but I find that I care a lot less than I thought I would and am more enthusiastic about sending more.

Interestingly enough though I've spent the last few days in utter misery. My guess is that this is for two reasons:

1. I haven't really engaged in any social activities in the last week as nothing has been going on.

2. I feel like I'm finally ready to start dating. This in particular fills me with dread and worry because I've never dated before, never been in a relation before and never slept with anyone before.

I really need to leave the house tomorrow and do something.

 

[Pakkidis]

I realized their is not one aspect of my mental illness that hasn't effected my life.

I'm reading some of your posts talking about how you hate your job, or your marriage and I think to myself I would love to have that...I would love to have that bad job or marriage because at least it means you are doing something, you are in life, you are engaged, it means that at some point another human being loved you and you loved them and for a while you made it work. That is something. I look at my age and how I wasted everything and realized I don't think I am ever going to get that.... Some of you are so lucky, if you had the power to do it once then you have the power to do it again, find a new job or partner, whatever but at least you did it. I envy all of you.

I'm reading how some of you are struggling in university and in relationships and I know what that is like. I lived it my whole life, school, jobs and relationships are nightmares for me, my mental illness adds another layer of difficulty. You are not alone, I know the pain, I have it with me in my stomach at all times, I feel it, it reminds me of who I am.

If any of you are having difficulty with school or relationships, and would like to have one on one support I would love to help out anyway I can. I currently volunteer and help people with mental illness and its a small thing I give back and would love to help people here.

 

[MisterLuffy]

Right, but the only common ground I see between all of the things you've listed is your intensely critical self-perception. I don't draw a conclusion of you being a failure from what you wrote - the only conclusion I see spelled out is that you're really, really hard on your own case, and you really don't like a lot of things about yourself. Both of those are formidable issues, sure, but they're things that can be worked on, could we only come to identify and understand them as an issue.

Back when I first went on effective anti-anxiety medications, my anxiety finally abated, largely, but, I was sad to find, my problems didn't evaporate. Because a big, big problem was how much I hated myself and I just hadn't been paying attention to that line of thought, instead following its offshoots to faulty conclusions ("I'm not good enough at x y z" or "everyone hates me" etc).

I'm not saying my experience is yours. It's not. I cannot understand exactly how you think or feel. But I can say that from everything you've told me, everything that you think so strongly points to your eternal failure, the biggest common thread I see is a heavy, heavy self-image. So maybe that's a place to start.

As far as connecting with others; I think the information you will gain from talking others through your questions about the program and career path will far outweigh the strength of their judgments of you. Now, perhaps your perception of their judgments of you will be very heavy, but again, that's a sorta separate issue. I really think you have a lot to gain from reaching out to some others, and I hope you can find the strength to do so. It could really help make all of this seem less like a directionless fog.

I do dislike myself a lot for not having those qualities I've mentioned and for making major mistakes. I don't mind talking with others, but it's going to be hard talking about programming since I'm not a programming expert. Usually I find it hard coming up with questions about programming or when I have trouble grasping the concept during class. I never ask since I felt my question was/is not good or I couldn't come up with questions relating to my problem of understanding the concepts. I don't like being this way, being angry and depressed, those feelings will not help me in this life. I need to accept and acknowledge that I'm different from the rest. But I usually get the tendency of being angry with myself.

 

[Rafa=FedKilla]

I think I've been on Zoloft for 6 or 7 weeks now and I'm still feeling horribly depressed. I scheduled a doctor's appointment in two weeks (to give the meds just a little extra time to be sure they're not working) to switch medications. I think I'm going to ask if I can try Wellbutrin since my main symptoms are low energy and anhedonia and I guess Wellbutrin is supposed to give you energy.

Yeah, you should inquire about that. I think I'm allergic to it, so I can't take. I've been transitioning over to Brintellix from Pristiq. It's helping. I don't think I've ever woken up after only eight hours with no alarm over several days, but it happened last week. My cognitive function hasn't improved, but my mind has quieted a bit and I'm finally able to understand the distinction between being anxious and nervous.

 

[Piano]

So when I'm drunk and caught up in my own head and being super self-depricating and projecting that onto other people, I know that it's my own brain doing this to me. Like I know that my friends probably don't secretly hate me and that they probably don't actually despise me and want me to kill myself, it doesn't stop me from also thinking that it's true. Like even though I know all these thoughts are totally internal, in a sense I still believe them. So when you say it's great that I can consciously separate my reality from these repetitive thoughts it's like... I can but I can't.

The problem is I love getting drunk so what am I going to do?

Well, I feel that what you're doing is already a separation of thoughts from reality, even if it's not complete and final. You at least understand how these thoughts are a bit separate from everything and how they may not be grounded in reality.

I'm curious - why do you love getting drunk?

No. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. He says my blood-pressure is abnormally high, but is attributing it to the medicine. I am too afriad to tell him, but I'm going to try to talk about it tomorrow.

How did it go, co1onel?

Well, the therapist issued me an ultimatum, either I also see a psychiatrist in my university and continue seeing him, or he will be unable to work with me and will hve to escalate it to the head of the Student Counselling Service who would, more than likely, also have to escalate it with outside mental health services. According to him, I'm one of only twenty people he's ever had to escalate things with.

So, once again, this shit has repeated itself. Can I overcome that distrust? No, I'm done with mental health services. Once I see that psychiatrist I'm never speaking to another member of the profession again. I'd rather my mental health dissolves completely than to see another.

I suppose I can't argue with such a deeply rooted distrust, TOWK. I do hope as time goes on and things change you can find help of some sort in getting relief from your suffering, whatever form that may take.

I think I've been on Zoloft for 6 or 7 weeks now and I'm still feeling horribly depressed. I scheduled a doctor's appointment in two weeks (to give the meds just a little extra time to be sure they're not working) to switch medications. I think I'm going to ask if I can try Wellbutrin since my main symptoms are low energy and anhedonia and I guess Wellbutrin is supposed to give you energy.

Being the broken record I am, Kipp, I still really encourage you to look into therapy to get a sense of ways to cope with and address your suffering since medication isn't doing 100%. That being said, Wellbutrin will definitely give you more energy, though, as a result, it can also cause anxiety. But, as always, your mileage may vary. If not Wellbutrin, there are tons more options out there.

I am on state insurance so I am only able to go to state funded behavioral clinics. If I go to an independent psychologist/LCSW, I have to pay out of pocket per session. With the aforementioned clinics, they get dicey with scheduling appointments. More often than not, they'll turn you away because demand is too high/the month is fully booked. However, if I were to switch insurances, I'd probably have more options but that would mean I'd have to cough up on average $200 a month which is money I don't have at this point.

I need to find work too so at least I could pay out of pocket/pay for better insurance, but those prospects are pretty dire too.

Ah I see, but you were able to make an appointment you said, FITG?
And I'm far from an expert on the job hunt, but I believe there are some threads on GAF with job hunting tips if you haven't already checked them out.

My brain doesn't know how to turn off It wakes me up in the middle of the night and reminds me of painful things long past. I play the scenario over and over again. Maybe I should have done this and that, said this, be happier, maybe things would have turned out differently....repeat.....over and over and over and over....

Sometimes my brain likes to make up imaginary scenarios as well as if to make me feel better over the painful ones i.e If you did this..then this would have happened and everything would have turned out amazing.

*sigh*

Sometimes the mind goes where it pleases, Pakkidis, at the speed it chooses. When I'm having nights where my mind is interfering with my sleep it helps me to get out of bed and either sit in a chair in my room or lay flat on the floor and just let my mind GO. I don't turn on any lights or screens and I don't check the time, so it's just me and my thoughts, in the dark, until they let me go to sleep.

So the hypnotherapy doesn't seem to have done anything. I'm not surprised.

Now my psychiatrist has prescribed me these L-methylfolate capsules that are supposed to enhance the effects of SSRIs if you have a folic acid deficiency. I don't know if I have that deficiency or not so I guess I'll just wait and see if there's any effect.

Is there any way to test for the deficiency? I guess there's no harm in trying. I hope it works out, Steamlord.

I've recently been trying to induce myself into crying to get over the huge inhibition that I have towards it. Only tried twice so far but the second attempt was easier than the first as I was more aware of the tension within my neck and jaw where I was holding it in.

Anyway I have made some more progress, I've actually built up the courage to send somebody a message on OKCupid. This is huge for me as I have virtually no history of approaching anybody romantically - though obviously I kept the message light and related to their profile. I haven't received a response yet and probably never will, but I find that I care a lot less than I thought I would and am more enthusiastic about sending more.

Interestingly enough though I've spent the last few days in utter misery. My guess is that this is for two reasons:

1. I haven't really engaged in any social activities in the last week as nothing has been going on.

2. I feel like I'm finally ready to start dating. This in particular fills me with dread and worry because I've never dated before, never been in a relation before and never slept with anyone before.

I really need to leave the house tomorrow and do something.

It really sounds like you're continuing to make progress, ceramic, and I really admire that you are starting to put yourself out there socially and romantically. It's not easy to do by any means. I agree that leaving the house can be an absolute lifesaver, even if it's just for an hour's walk or something. Getting fresh air, moving, and seeing other people all help me tremendously when I'm in the gutter.

I do dislike myself a lot for not having those qualities I've mentioned and for making major mistakes. I don't mind talking with others, but it's going to be hard talking about programming since I'm not a programming expert. Usually I find it hard coming up with questions about programming or when I have trouble grasping the concept during class. I never ask since I felt my question was/is not good or I couldn't come up with questions relating to my problem of understanding the concepts. I don't like being this way, being angry and depressed, those feelings will not help me in this life. I need to accept and acknowledge that I'm different from the rest. But I usually get the tendency of being angry with myself.

Well, I didn't even mean that you'd have to discuss your expertise in programming with anyone, and more that you find someone to explain "hi, here are my doubts about the program, did you have these doubts?" and maybe they did, maybe they ddin't, but everyone's going to have a perspective on (a) how to know whether the program / career field is right for you and (b) what other related fields you could explore with your skillset and interests. Essentially, when dealing with an intense level of doubt or indecision about my path through school or life I find it helpful to talk to others who have taken the path and get their thoughts so I can have a more well rounded perspective on what is and is not right for me. Not that there's ever a perfect correct solution, but more information is generally better! Chances are these people will be glad to lend their perspective since, honestly, it makes them feel more like they actually know what they're doing with their life.

I'm glad you're able to see your tendencies of thought towards yourself, MisterLuffy - that's a tremendously positive thing that can really help keep doubts and worries in perspective. Always keep in mind that we are our own harshest critic.

<3

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

Ah I see, but you were able to make an appointment you said, FITG?
And I'm far from an expert on the job hunt, but I believe there are some threads on GAF with job hunting tips if you haven't already checked them out.

I did and they bumped it up a week because of how impatient I am. It still won't be a walk in the park. They have to do intake and most likely assign me a case worker who will then refer me to a psychologist which could be another appointment. A lot of redundancy and red tape.

As someone who has little/no experience in the working world, finding a job this past week was harder than it needed to be. I'll mosey on over to the thread though.

 

[The_Kid]

Has anyone ever felt like if they had a button that could end everything, that they'd press it? Like, I would never be able to go through with killing myself because not only am I a coward, but I'm selfish. But if I had a button that just ended everything I feel like I would press it. I honestly just don't know where I am anymore. I've lost friends, am doing horrible in school (I can't even force myself to turn this paper in even though it is finished, I'm just so unmotivated and stuck), I hate my job (I had two and one of them of them was for my mom, she fired me). The only bright spot in my life is my Boyfriend, and I always feel so guilty with him now because he makes so much more than me and keeps treating me or borrowing me money for a few days until I get paid because I run out. He says he doesn't care but I feel fucking pathetic every time. I just hate everything about my life. I can't even enjoy video games anymore because of the stress in the back of my head from my OCD or school or work.

Sorry, I just needed to vent. I honestly don't know who to tell.

 

[Wilsongt]

It really is a bummer to put so much time and effort into a relationship and have that other person start chasing after someone new...

 

[Kipp]

Being the broken record I am, Kipp, I still really encourage you to look into therapy to get a sense of ways to cope with and address your suffering since medication isn't doing 100%. That being said, Wellbutrin will definitely give you more energy, though, as a result, it can also cause anxiety. But, as always, your mileage may vary. If not Wellbutrin, there are tons more options out there.

It's equally great advice every time you give it, Piano, so no worries. I still don't know what's stopping me from seeing a therapist... I do think one of the reasons is that I plan to move out of state in a few months (if everything goes to plan), so I don't really want to try and find a therapist who's just right for me just to have to leave and find a new therapist. It's always been in the back of my mind that right after I move I'll start seeing a therapist. Hopefully that turns out to be true.

And yeah, I'm a little worried that Wellbutrin will give me anxiety, but at this point, I don't even care. I'm just so lifeless, I need any boost I can get. Every day is a total slog and I have no motivation or desire to do anything at all. Plus, buspirone has kept my anxiety in check, so it shouldn't be too big of a deal if there is anxiety that comes along with Wellbutrin.

 

[neojubei]

Had dinner today with a friend at a Japanese ramen place and the place was packed with couples and cute guys. i can feel myself sighing already as i walked in. Seems like i am way to ugly to attract anyone. I think my new goal is to fly to a new city rent a hotel room, play a song from the Lovesick soundtrack and then end it all. That way neither my family or friends would see me dead. Sometimes i wish i was a drug addict or an alcoholic or sometime terrible to justify my own demise.

 

[BUNTING1243]

I think I just had my first panic attack. I woke up an hour ago in a cold sweat and incredibly nacuous. I couldn't calm down and felt like I was going to die and just felt like I needed to get away from everything. It was incredibly scary. Something similar happened last week but not as bad.

I think I need to get actual help for this anxiety stuff, it's been getting way worse. I'm sorry for venting, I'm just still really on-edge.

 

[Steamlord]

Is there any way to test for the deficiency? I guess there's no harm in trying. I hope it works out, Steamlord.

The psychiatrist didn't mention a test, so I would assume not. And thanks, I hope so too. Though I've been burned plenty of times before so I'm not getting my hopes up too much.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Barely made through the anniversary of my EX's suicide, managed to damage relations with my family members in the process and I'm still pretty shaken and missed therapy twice.

I've been chain smoking pipe tobacco and smoking weed just to try to forget her, just to feel not completely awful for one moment. Weed isn't going to be an option going forward unless I can land a job or something at this point, which would probably be the only thing to really redeem myself to my parents.

They don't believe in me going to college,they don't believe in my novel I'm writing.

They don't care about my problems.

 

[Pakkidis]

Barely made through the anniversary of my EX's suicide, managed to damage relations with my family members in the process and I'm still pretty shaken and missed therapy twice.

I've been chain smoking pipe tobacco and smoking weed just to try to forget her, just to feel not completely awful for one moment. Weed isn't going to be an option going forward unless I can land a job or something at this point, which would probably be the only thing to really redeem myself to my parents.

They don't believe in me going to college,they don't believe in my novel I'm writing.

They don't care about my problems.

Sometimes the closest people to us, hurt us the most. Just try and take things one day at a time.

 

[void666]

Has anyone ever felt like if they had a button that could end everything, that they'd press it? Like, I would never be able to go through with killing myself because not only am I a coward, but I'm selfish. But if I had a button that just ended everything I feel like I would press it. I honestly just don't know where I am anymore. I've lost friends, am doing horrible in school (I can't even force myself to turn this paper in even though it is finished, I'm just so unmotivated and stuck), I hate my job (I had two and one of them of them was for my mom, she fired me). The only bright spot in my life is my Boyfriend, and I always feel so guilty with him now because he makes so much more than me and keeps treating me or borrowing me money for a few days until I get paid because I run out. He says he doesn't care but I feel fucking pathetic every time. I just hate everything about my life. I can't even enjoy video games anymore because of the stress in the back of my head from my OCD or school or work.

Sorry, I just needed to vent. I honestly don't know who to tell.

I know the feeling. I wish i could "press A to erase from existence".
I don't want to leave a bloody corpse behind and i know a couple of people would really suffer if i died. But being erased from existence would be a great solution.

Anyway, don't give up. Things will get better. I promise.

 

[zeemumu]

I think I'm clingy.

I think I'm clingy because I have it plastered in my mind that I need to be in a relationship to have any value so I feel like I'm in a rush for one. The same goes for having a larger group of friends.

I think that this has caused me to forgo doing things that I enjoy in order to do things that I think will help me socially.

I think that going directly for making friends and finding a relationship is ironically sabotaging me from doing both of these things because I'm not doing anything for enjoyment anymore, so my capacity to care about these hobbies goes way down, as does my ability to relate to people who have similar hobbies and interests because everything becomes work. Everything is "maybe if I go to this place I'll find people who like me" instead of "I'll go to this place because I like what's going on here and will probably meet similar people." So instead of doing something and making friends, I'm doing something TO make friends and because my heart isn't in it it's hard work.

I think that this is turning me into a boring person and making me appear desperate to everyone around me.

I think that living based on social acceptance is making me progressively more insecure and full of anxiety because it's basically saying that if I don't think I'm being social enough then I might as well be dying. So it's like having a job where everyone is your boss and your life is your job so you're always on edge to stay on your boss' good side but it's an impossible fight because all of your bosses have different good sides.

I think that this is basically a cycle of not enjoying anything because my priorities are misplaced but I can't put my priorities back in order because I'm not enjoying anything. The 2nd part of this loop is impossible to break, but the first is not.

I think I need to start taking social media with a grain of salt and stop thinking that I either have to ignore the world or chase the world. I need to live in it. I also need to start choosing stuff for fun and not for glory.

 

[DrM]

Are either of those options appealing, DrM?

I could move my profession to other field. I see from my creations that I am quite handy with 3D modelling, but alas we know how hard is to land a job in that field... so I would be on the same boat...

Moving abroad-hm, I am a bit torn on this one, because I would need quite some time and help to land a job somewhere (I have no wish where). I am not kind of person for going somewhere blind... my therapist is having a same opinion on this, that I would be the best not to do hasty moves. If I had more reserve in money, I would risk it, but with current financial situation this is a bit suicidal.

 

[GamerJM]

I dropped multivariable calculus for the fourth time this quarter :\. God, I can't keep doing this. I hate it so much. I feel so stupid. No matter how much effort I put in or how many tutors I see I can't do it. Last quarter I probably put in like 40 hours a week to this class and still dropped it. The professors at my university don't have much advice for me other than to just give up. Meeting with my therapist today actually just made me feel worse; we talked about what to do, and after I left I came to the realization that I'm just completely clueless. I don't want to give up, but I also don't want to ruin my life because of this one class, and spend years and years and years and dozens and dozens of thousands of (my parents', who are pretty well off anyways but still) dollars to pass a class for a major I don't even know if I want. But at the same time I just can't get over it, the fact that I can't pass this class just bugs me so much. It's seriously made me almost consider taking my own life :\.

 

[User1608]

Fuck it, I'm seriously feeling the heat right now. I had my first panic attack ever last night, and it was such a painful feeling. I reacted pretty poorly as a result, so now I'm feeling worse.:/ I can't even count on friends for support now, it seems. That's what I deserve for being too trusting myself. I hate how my life is built on the shakiest of foundations... And yes, I'll admit I have a history of attempting to take my life. It's way too much way too often.

 

[Piano]

I did and they bumped it up a week because of how impatient I am. It still won't be a walk in the park. They have to do intake and most likely assign me a case worker who will then refer me to a psychologist which could be another appointment. A lot of redundancy and red tape.

As someone who has little/no experience in the working world, finding a job this past week was harder than it needed to be. I'll mosey on over to the thread though.

I'm glad they were able to move your appointment up a week, at least, FITG. Ultimately there's always going to be some waiting for any route you go, and hopefully even the first steps will give you some renewed confidence and vigor that can carry you for a bit.

Has anyone ever felt like if they had a button that could end everything, that they'd press it? Like, I would never be able to go through with killing myself because not only am I a coward, but I'm selfish. But if I had a button that just ended everything I feel like I would press it. I honestly just don't know where I am anymore. I've lost friends, am doing horrible in school (I can't even force myself to turn this paper in even though it is finished, I'm just so unmotivated and stuck), I hate my job (I had two and one of them of them was for my mom, she fired me). The only bright spot in my life is my Boyfriend, and I always feel so guilty with him now because he makes so much more than me and keeps treating me or borrowing me money for a few days until I get paid because I run out. He says he doesn't care but I feel fucking pathetic every time. I just hate everything about my life. I can't even enjoy video games anymore because of the stress in the back of my head from my OCD or school or work.

Sorry, I just needed to vent. I honestly don't know who to tell.

I'm sorry to hear you've hit a rough patch, The_Kid. Do you have any read on what's going on within your lack of motivation, or any common threads between your social, academic, and work struggles? Sometimes those things are totally separate; other times we can learn something by comparing them and seeing patterns in how we feel.

I encourage you to talk to your teachers if you haven't done so already. They're people, too, and I've found the vast majority of them to be pretty understanding when my primary motivation is just wanting them to be in the loop.

Also, yes, I have wished for that button, but I'm glad I didn't have access to it because I would've pressed it at least 5 or 6 times by now.

It really is a bummer to put so much time and effort into a relationship and have that other person start chasing after someone new...

Sorry to hear a relationship's causing you trouble, Wilsongt. Relationships continue to mystify me. They really can be a bummer.

It's equally great advice every time you give it, Piano, so no worries. I still don't know what's stopping me from seeing a therapist... I do think one of the reasons is that I plan to move out of state in a few months (if everything goes to plan), so I don't really want to try and find a therapist who's just right for me just to have to leave and find a new therapist. It's always been in the back of my mind that right after I move I'll start seeing a therapist. Hopefully that turns out to be true.

And yeah, I'm a little worried that Wellbutrin will give me anxiety, but at this point, I don't even care. I'm just so lifeless, I need any boost I can get. Every day is a total slog and I have no motivation or desire to do anything at all. Plus, buspirone has kept my anxiety in check, so it shouldn't be too big of a deal if there is anxiety that comes along with Wellbutrin.

Man I'm glad to hear that buspirone has worked well for your anxiety. Sometimes it seems like I'm the only person in the world who felt effects from buspirone. Half the internet seems to think it's a total placebo. It's not, I swear! As strange as it sounds, I'm much more "okay" being moderately sad than I am being moderately anxious. Sad is something I can pin down and feel and think about. Anxious just runs laps around me.

Of course, neither is preferable. There's a good possibility Wellbutrin won't cause you anxiety - I know others for whom it's worked very, very well! Even with me it definitely did help with motivation / energy.

Had dinner today with a friend at a Japanese ramen place and the place was packed with couples and cute guys. i can feel myself sighing already as i walked in. Seems like i am way to ugly to attract anyone. I think my new goal is to fly to a new city rent a hotel room, play a song from the Lovesick soundtrack and then end it all. That way neither my family or friends would see me dead. Sometimes i wish i was a drug addict or an alcoholic or sometime terrible to justify my own demise.

For one thing, it's worth remembering that ugly is very subjective. Beyond that, it's a matter of understanding, developing, and coming to peace with our own personal image, which is a mix of external steps (working to change some things) and internal growth (acceptance of ourselves). It's best to meet somewhere in the middle, I've found. I talked about it at length in this post, if you haven't read it yet. (the offer in that post still stands!)

And even further beyond that, it's worth keeping in mind that attraction is more complex than an ugly / attractive scale. So much more complex, in fact, that I really can't even describe how it works for me personally.

You're a person, neojubei, one with real value who deserves contentment just as much as anyone else. I'm sorry things are tough. I hope we can help you find some relief.

I think I just had my first panic attack. I woke up an hour ago in a cold sweat and incredibly nacuous. I couldn't calm down and felt like I was going to die and just felt like I needed to get away from everything. It was incredibly scary. Something similar happened last week but not as bad.

I think I need to get actual help for this anxiety stuff, it's been getting way worse. I'm sorry for venting, I'm just still really on-edge.

Panic attacks are really tough stuff, B123. I really, really encourage you to pursue help, as they're very, very treatable. In the mean time, we're here to help out however we can.

When you say you couldn't calm down, was it more of a physiological thing (heart racing) or a psychological thing (mind racing)?

Barely made through the anniversary of my EX's suicide, managed to damage relations with my family members in the process and I'm still pretty shaken and missed therapy twice.

I've been chain smoking pipe tobacco and smoking weed just to try to forget her, just to feel not completely awful for one moment. Weed isn't going to be an option going forward unless I can land a job or something at this point, which would probably be the only thing to really redeem myself to my parents.

They don't believe in me going to college,they don't believe in my novel I'm writing.

They don't care about my problems.

Hang in there, RoyaleDuke. Sometimes there's no way past the shit except for straight through it. I hope you can give yourself permission to feel whatever your body and mind are trying to make you feel.

I think I'm clingy.

I think I'm clingy because I have it plastered in my mind that I need to be in a relationship to have any value so I feel like I'm in a rush for one. The same goes for having a larger group of friends.

I think that this has caused me to forgo doing things that I enjoy in order to do things that I think will help me socially.

I think that going directly for making friends and finding a relationship is ironically sabotaging me from doing both of these things because I'm not doing anything for enjoyment anymore, so my capacity to care about these hobbies goes way down, as does my ability to relate to people who have similar hobbies and interests because everything becomes work. Everything is "maybe if I go to this place I'll find people who like me" instead of "I'll go to this place because I like what's going on here and will probably meet similar people." So instead of doing something and making friends, I'm doing something TO make friends and because my heart isn't in it it's hard work.

I think that this is turning me into a boring person and making me appear desperate to everyone around me.

I think that living based on social acceptance is making me progressively more insecure and full of anxiety because it's basically saying that if I don't think I'm being social enough then I might as well be dying. So it's like having a job where everyone is your boss and your life is your job so you're always on edge to stay on your boss' good side but it's an impossible fight because all of your bosses have different good sides.

I think that this is basically a cycle of not enjoying anything because my priorities are misplaced but I can't put my priorities back in order because I'm not enjoying anything. The 2nd part of this loop is impossible to break, but the first is not.

I think I need to start taking social media with a grain of salt and stop thinking that I either have to ignore the world or chase the world. I need to live in it. I also need to start choosing stuff for fun and not for glory.

I still haven't figured out the secret to consistently building social connections (or romantic relationships) but to some extent my experience has mirrored yours - people don't seem to react well to me coming across like I'm desperate, and results seem to happen when I find this nice middle ground of being outgoing without pushing too hard or being too needy. The way you describe it it sounds like such a subtle shift: "doing something TO make friends" vs "doing something and making friends". That's such a good way to describe it, though.

Also this is such a great way to describe juggling a developing social life:
"So it's like having a job where everyone is your boss and your life is your job so you're always on edge to stay on your boss' good side but it's an impossible fight because all of your bosses have different good sides."
I've been at my school for over a year now and I still feel that way with people I've known the whole time. Can't win with everyone. There isn't time. Even if there was, it's probably not possible.

Your observations are interesting. I hope you can find a "middle-path" mindset with all of this. I'm still trying to find it. Looking at all of this like a grand process, forever in-the-works that I'm always learning from, instead of a grueling test that will lead to a permanent result (it won't, I've learned). For what it's worth, you don't sound clingy to me. I'm a pretty "needy" friend, I've learned, but I've found that that's okay with (most) people now that I'm open about it and sorta understand what I need and how it affects people.

Also, social media is awful. I gave in and reactivated my Facebook once I realized how hard it was to get to know people without one (like, people use to to make sure I really exist or something), but I deleted everything else and nowadays my goal is to use Facebook less than 5 minutes a day. Basically, if I have a need for it I get on it, but as soon as I notice I'm just scrolling through newsfeed, I close it. The newsfeed is just an aggregator of inaccurate portrayals of others' lives, and that makes me feel inferior.

Sorry to ramble. Just found your post really interesting. Hope it spurs more thoughts for you.

I could move my profession to other field. I see from my creations that I am quite handy with 3D modelling, but alas we know how hard is to land a job in that field... so I would be on the same boat...

Moving abroad-hm, I am a bit torn on this one, because I would need quite some time and help to land a job somewhere (I have no wish where). I am not kind of person for going somewhere blind... my therapist is having a same opinion on this, that I would be the best not to do hasty moves. If I had more reserve in money, I would risk it, but with current financial situation this is a bit suicidal.

Yes, moving is a big deal, and something I've always had a lot of trouble with. I don't know much about the 3D modelling profession, but do you know anyone in that field (or any others you're considering) that you can speak with about how to break in, or how they got where they are? I've found that really helpful.

I dropped multivariable calculus for the fourth time this quarter :\. God, I can't keep doing this. I hate it so much. I feel so stupid. No matter how much effort I put in or how many tutors I see I can't do it. Last quarter I probably put in like 40 hours a week to this class and still dropped it. The professors at my university don't have much advice for me other than to just give up. Meeting with my therapist today actually just made me feel worse; we talked about what to do, and after I left I came to the realization that I'm just completely clueless. I don't want to give up, but I also don't want to ruin my life because of this one class, and spend years and years and years and dozens and dozens of thousands of (my parents', who are pretty well off anyways but still) dollars to pass a class for a major I don't even know if I want. But at the same time I just can't get over it, the fact that I can't pass this class just bugs me so much. It's seriously made me almost consider taking my own life :\.

First of all, GamerJM, please don't think dropping multi-variable calculus somehow makes you stupid or intellectually inferior. I couldn't even imagine understanding the first day of any calculus class! The point is, we've all got different strengths and weaknesses, and one does not define us.

The question is, are there any closely related majors / interests / degrees that you could pursue that tap your existing skill set but don't require that particular class?

As far as figuring out what you want to do ... there's no way to be 100% sure, but I found it helpful to learn as much as possible about the typical career path / progression for the degree I was considering and then think whether it was something I really thought I could stick to. Turns out I didn't see myself kissing asses around LA for 20 years to break into the film industry (but many do, and are successful and happy - so it's all a personal preference thing!).

Fuck it, I'm seriously feeling the heat right now. I had my first panic attack ever last night, and it was such a painful feeling. I reacted pretty poorly as a result, so now I'm feeling worse.:/ I can't even count on friends for support now, it seems. That's what I deserve for being too trusting myself. I hate how my life is built on the shakiest of foundations... And yes, I'll admit I have a history of attempting to take my life. It's way too much way too often.

Panic attacks are hell, HH. Was it more physiological or psychological in nature? Either way, they're very treatable in a multitude of ways. Are you receiving any mental health treatment at this time?

<3

 

[Kipp]

I
Man I'm glad to hear that buspirone has worked well for your anxiety. Sometimes it seems like I'm the only person in the world who felt effects from buspirone. Half the internet seems to think it's a total placebo. It's not, I swear! As strange as it sounds, I'm much more "okay" being moderately sad than I am being moderately anxious. Sad is something I can pin down and feel and think about. Anxious just runs laps around me.

Of course, neither is preferable. There's a good possibility Wellbutrin won't cause you anxiety - I know others for whom it's worked very, very well! Even with me it definitely did help with motivation / energy.

Even my doctor told me he thought it was only a placebo when I asked him to prescribe it to me. After he said that I was like "Well, are there any negative side effects?" and he was like "No there aren't" so I was like "Could I at least give it a shot then? Worst case scenario it just doesn't work and I stop taking it."
But yeah, I used to feel constantly overwhelmed by everything - mostly my job - and that simply hasn't been an issue anymore. One specific example is I used to practically jump every time I got a text message for fear that something has gone wrong at work. Now I don't even get slightly anxious when I get a text.

And yeah, I definitely have high hopes for Wellbutrin. I need energy so badly. It seems that every day I'm getting more and more of my life/energy/enthusiasm drained out of me. For the past week or two there just hasn't been anything I want to do whatsoever. Even before when I was feeling depressed I could at least somewhat enjoy some of my hobbies, but this past week or two, even when I haven't necessarily felt super depressed I just haven't wanted to do anything.

On a more general note, for the past week or two, I've felt like my depression has been getting worse and worse every day. It's been harder and harder to exercise, my mood has gotten increasingly bad. I've noticed myself getting frustrated and angry much more easily, which isn't like me at all.

I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for next Wednesday, but I'm going to call and see if I can have it sooner. I'm getting pretty desperate.

 

[GamerJM]

As far as figuring out what you want to do ... there's no way to be 100% sure, but I found it helpful to learn as much as possible about the typical career path / progression for the degree I was considering and then think whether it was something I really thought I could stick to. Turns out I didn't see myself kissing asses around LA for 20 years to break into the film industry (but many do, and are successful and happy - so it's all a personal preference thing!).

I bet that you you took all of the prerequisites and studied hard enough, you probably could. I don't know what's wrong with me because I've done those things and I just can't. And even if you couldn't, at least you know when to give up. I just can't. I feel like I have to keep taking this class over and over again, even though it's probably not a good idea, because....well, I don't know. I just do. I can't stop thinking about it, every single day. I used to be good at math. But this class just erased all of those feelings for me, so I feel like I need to pass it to prove I'm capable of being skilled at this. I'm a computer engineering major right now, I don't really like it but I don't downright hate it, and I told myself I need to continue so I can get a well-paying job. But this class is keeping me from progressing. And I'm not very good at computer engineering aside from that. Part of me kind of wants to switch to Economics and just start there since it seems like something I might be good at given the skill sets required and I'm somewhat interested in the subject. But I don't want to give up on what I've worked on for the last three years, and I'm scared people will negatively judge me, and I'm scared I'll spend the rest of my life wondering what everything would have been like if I could pass that class and continue in my computer engineering major.

 

[redlegs87]

Been feeling a bit lower then usual the past 2 weeks and not being able to sleep through the night. Psychiatrist upped my Latuda to 80 mg to help with sleep and me feeling down. He also prescribed me Strattera starting at 40 mg to try and help with my concentration. I really am hoping it helps. Talked to my therapist about a few things how I need to let my brain go sometimes and find out exactly why I am thinking the way I do at times. Both she and my case manager said I've made a great amount of progress since I first started coming and it felt really good to hear coming from others and not just me telling it to myself.

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

I'm glad they were able to move your appointment up a week, at least, FITG. Ultimately there's always going to be some waiting for any route you go, and hopefully even the first steps will give you some renewed confidence and vigor that can carry you for a bit.

It lit enough fire to get me to build a portfolio for my work (I don't know if it's appropriate to post on here, let me know mods!) and got me to be more motivated out of necessity. Still, I have doubts about my long term prospects and if it'll generate contentedness/happiness and I can just deal with the typical nonsense everyday anxiety everyone has about stuff. I know, it sounds odd right?

 

[DiddysKongQuest]

It's a fine line to walk, but I think it's possible to both keep your distance and encourage her, when appropriate, to get help. Self-harm is never good.

That was my plan. I still care a lot about her and only wish her the best.

I came out of the bathroom last Tuesday and she suddenly just sat there on my couch and wanted to talk. I answered her messages before as nice as possible and said that seeing me would only make things worse for her, but I also knew that she wouldn't listen. I was unable to get just kick her out of the house and talked with her for longer than necessary. She constantly tried to come closer to me and just wouldn't accept that I don't want to be with her again.

On Sunday she wrote me again and said that someone called and claimed that I cheated on her during our relationship with my best friend, which is of course not true. It's apparently the same person that terrorized her after she broke up with me and it's sad that it can only be one of my closer friends. She also apparently had a mental breakdown because of me on Friday and spent the night in a hospital.

I want to believe her stories, but it seems that she's just looking for excuses to contact me. I really don't know what else I should to with her and I don't want her to feel miserable because of me.

Yeah, I find working on my garden to be very therapeutic, and I'm interesting in pursuing a vegetable garden in the future.

I'm not the drinking type (I don't drink any sort of alcohol), but I have gone to bars and clubs in the past, in order to secure some new connections. It wasn't my scene, especially when the drunkards started to beg for some cash to purchase a drink (or twenty). I did go to a singles night event at a local pub, and the guys there were cool, but nothing came out of it. But, oh god, every female that was there wanted to slit my throat. Even for something simple as asking for the time, they feel like I'm trying to hit on them, which is something I don't do in any fashion.

It's one of the reasons why I'm really glad that only dating is a thing. I'm not the type of guy who can just walk up to a girl and talk to her. On top of that I'm a really awkward when I meet new people.

Is there maybe something like a cooking course or something similar near you? That is probably a better way to meet and connect with people. And the girls there will definitely be a ton nicer than the ones during a singles night in a pub.

 

[Megalosaro]

I hate my life and I want to die.

I read something like this and I realized I'm fucked

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/why-is-regaining-weight-so-common/#axzz3rCR9EZMh

I'll never have the life I want. I'm going to be fighting an up hill battle until I die.

Furthermore, I don't like my social circle. They are a bunch of duchess. And my beat friend is rapidly becoming a dick.

I'm tired of my city and want to move across country but I'm afraid.

And I sick at my career and without grad school I'll never make enough to have a family or so what I want. But I stuck too much to get in, much less complete.

 

[User1608]

Panic attacks are hell, HH. Was it more physiological or psychological in nature? Either way, they're very treatable in a multitude of ways. Are you receiving any mental health treatment at this time?

I'm honestly not sure what it was. And unfortunately, no, I'm not receiving any treatment at the moment, because my benefits ran out and I don't want to incur a huge debt. I'm just hoping I hear back soon, as I did file paperwork to keep/regain them, otherwise I'd have totally sought treatment already. I understand it's a matter of life and death considering my history of suicide attempts ever since I was 10.

 

[Kwixotik]

I think I can finally put a name to what I experience. I've got ADHD and GAD, but I've never been able to describe a sort of pervasive "down" feeling that generally has its grip on me. But I knew it wasn't major depressive disorder because I've seen that and it's way more intense than what I've got. I started looking because I always have really bad anxiety for days after hanging out with friends, thinking they dislike me and such. I started looking at subsets of anxiety and they didn't seem to describe me except GAD. (I don't get unusually anxious during social situations, so social anxiety doesn't really fit)

I went and found a differential diagnosis list for MDD and it said to rule out dysthymia. Looked it up and, holy shit, it fits me perfectly. Medscape even divides it into an anxious subtype

They described the subset of patients with anxious dysthymia as having pronounced symptoms of low self-esteem, undirected restlessness, and interpersonal rejection sensitivity.

I haven't discussed it with my doc yet, and I expect it won't really change my treatment, but I feel better being able to put a name to it.

 

[Ponn]

My sister called me and told me my brother died today. I responded with the most non-chalant :Ok: I've been struggling with my depression, apathy and lack of emotions for a long time now but I realize even that was cold. At least I think it was. I mean I cried and grieved when my father died but I literally feel nothing about this and its eating me up now on why I can't feel anything. He did unspeakable things to me and my sister as kids, he was a big factor if not THE factor why I grew up so fucked up and have the issues I have today. I always said he was the one person I could never forgive for the things he did. Over the summer he tried to contact me and get me to talk to him. He said he was in a bad way and had bad accident. I found it ironic we both had near death experiences around the same time. Having been there I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he had some introspection and realized everything he had done. Then in Sept. he sent me the message apoligizing and finally asking for forgiveness. I went the entire month of Oct. looking at that message not knowing how to respond. The end of oct he sent me another message that was just a bunch of question marks Finally last week I responded. I told him I forgave him that I loved him. I don't know if he read it now. I just don't know how or what I feel right now.

 

[neojubei]

In all honesty, Piano, after looking at all aspects of my life i know when i should end it. I've read and re-read your replies to me, thanks, but life isnt for me. I'm not going to keep going on in a life that very much out to destroy me mentally and physically. If i can pick up and go i would but life requires money which i dont have. I have no talents or skill sets. Ive failed too many times in my life to know that its time to call it quits. People die everyday so my own death isnt going to change anything.

 

[Astral Dog]

My sister called me and told me my brother died today. I responded with the most non-chalant :Ok: I've been struggling with my depression, apathy and lack of emotions for a long time now but I realize even that was cold. At least I think it was. I mean I cried and grieved when my father died but I literally feel nothing about this and its eating me up now on why I can't feel anything. He did unspeakable things to me and my sister as kids, he was a big factor if not THE factor why I grew up so fucked up and have the issues I have today. I always said he was the one person I could never forgive for the things he did. Over the summer he tried to contact me and get me to talk to him. He said he was in a bad way and had bad accident. I found it ironic we both had near death experiences around the same time. Having been there I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he had some introspection and realized everything he had done. Then in Sept. he sent me the message apoligizing and finally asking for forgiveness. I went the entire month of Oct. looking at that message not knowing how to respond. The end of oct he sent me another message that was just a bunch of question marks Finally last week I responded. I told him I forgave him that I loved him. I don't know if he read it now. I just don't know how or what I feel right now.

You forgave him, thats all that matters, you made peace with him before he died,thats not an easy thing to do and it does not matter if you dont feel sad, or happy, or anything at the moment, it will come but even if you dont ever feel sad about that , as long as you are at peace things will get better. Just try to leave behind the horrible things he did.

 

[marimorimo]

In all honesty, Piano, after looking at all aspects of my life i know when i should end it. I've read and re-read your replies to me, thanks, but life isnt for me. I'm not going to keep going on in a life that very much out to destroy me mentally and physically. If i can pick up and go i would but life requires money which i dont have. I have no talents or skill sets. Ive failed too many times in my life to know that its time to call it quits. People die everyday so my own death isnt going to change anything.

I apologize in advance if what I say would seem harsh but I've been in a somewhat similar situation before and have battled depression many times....each experience was a hard kick in the butt and a wake-up call to make me realize a fundamental aspect of what it means to be "happy."

-If you think that life is out to destroy you mentally and physically, then it WILL definitely destroy you. No exceptions.

- Your mindset affects your reality to a surprisingly scary degree. Many times, a slight change in the way you look at things is the trigger to push you out of a slump.

- "I can't be happy unless I have money." "I can't be happy unless I have X." "There's no way I can possibly do X." "It's impossible to achieve my goals." All these are limitations that we place on ourselves. Why cage ourselves with these limitations? Because we believe them to be true, we don't even try, so of course nothing ever happens.

Ironically, what we think we need to achieve happiness is usually not what gives us true happiness.

- "Innate Talent and Skill"-I have learned are all a lie except in the rarest of circumstances. You can build any skill, and if you work on it long enough, people will start calling you "talented."

- I find I usually spiral into depression when there are things I can't control in my life. But that's life for you--you can't control everything. You may have tried your best but the future is unknowable. So I learned to focus instead on the things that I CAN control.

I can't control how others will see me (whether they would like me or not), but I could smile at them, listen to them, and be generally helpful and pleasant around them. The end result is that these people do end up liking me after all.

I can't force a company to hire me but I can present a positive, confident, and upbeat persona (even though I was just pretending). This was what got me my last 2 jobs after a depression slump and a string of failed interviews. For a day, I pretended I was what I wanted to be (confident and positive about life). It worked.

- Everybody fails in life. Even those from a privileged upbringing. The real barometer of success is how many times you get up and fight back.

- What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Hopefully my experience will resonate with you and you will find the strength to stand up and fight back one more time (and many more after that).

 

[Pachimari]

Anyone else in here suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder like I do?

 

[Transhuman]

Anyone else in here suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder like I do?

I didn't tell anyone because I assumed they would just say "you just need to be more outgoing". Then I told people, which was hard to do, and they said "you just need to be more outgoing".

I just visited a doctor for the first time in at least 8 years because I had a chest infection, told them I was having panic attacks, suicidal ideation, e.t.c, and she said "well once the infection clears up come back and we'll talk about it". Which was funny because she mentioned she was finishing at the clinic and moving in two days. I probably wont go back. My work wants a doctor's note to prove that I'm actually sick, and not just hacking up phlegm for the fun of it, but fuck it.

 

[Steamlord]

Anyone else in here suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder like I do?

Yeah, I've been struggling with it for years.

 

[Piano]

I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for next Wednesday, but I'm going to call and see if I can have it sooner. I'm getting pretty desperate.

Well, at the very least I'm glad that the Buspirone is working out, and it's interesting to hear about the ways people "know" a medication is working for them. For you, it's not feeling overwhelmed or fearing text messages. For me it was noticing I didn't make as many anxiously sarcastic jokes and wasn't suffering in indecision over what cereal to buy (most of the time).

I hope you're able to take it one day at a time until you get in to see the doctor. Hopefully knowing that you've already progress can give you a bit of hope to tide you through the rough stuff.

I bet that you you took all of the prerequisites and studied hard enough, you probably could. I don't know what's wrong with me because I've done those things and I just can't. And even if you couldn't, at least you know when to give up. I just can't. I feel like I have to keep taking this class over and over again, even though it's probably not a good idea, because....well, I don't know. I just do. I can't stop thinking about it, every single day. I used to be good at math. But this class just erased all of those feelings for me, so I feel like I need to pass it to prove I'm capable of being skilled at this. I'm a computer engineering major right now, I don't really like it but I don't downright hate it, and I told myself I need to continue so I can get a well-paying job. But this class is keeping me from progressing. And I'm not very good at computer engineering aside from that. Part of me kind of wants to switch to Economics and just start there since it seems like something I might be good at given the skill sets required and I'm somewhat interested in the subject. But I don't want to give up on what I've worked on for the last three years, and I'm scared people will negatively judge me, and I'm scared I'll spend the rest of my life wondering what everything would have been like if I could pass that class and continue in my computer engineering major.

Well, GamerJM, it sounds like it's more than the class, like this class has latched onto being a larger reflection on your success as a human being or your entire life direction, and when things have that sort of cataclysmic weight they tend to get us down.

Those sorts of life-or-death situations are overwhelming and can often feel like they have no satisfactory conclusion; one wonders whether the same heaviness would latch onto the next obstacle you encountered in your academic career even if you were to pass this class. Obviously these seem like things to discuss with a therapist, as well as coping mechanisms, so I find it curious that you said talking to your therapist made you feel worse. Do you have any idea what that's the case?

(and no, I seriously, really could not pass that class! The highest math I ever took was Trig and Stat, where I got B's and C's)

Been feeling a bit lower then usual the past 2 weeks and not being able to sleep through the night. Psychiatrist upped my Latuda to 80 mg to help with sleep and me feeling down. He also prescribed me Strattera starting at 40 mg to try and help with my concentration. I really am hoping it helps. Talked to my therapist about a few things how I need to let my brain go sometimes and find out exactly why I am thinking the way I do at times. Both she and my case manager said I've made a great amount of progress since I first started coming and it felt really good to hear coming from others and not just me telling it to myself.

I'm so, so glad to hear that you can feel the progress you're making, redlegs, and that the progress is being affirmed by others. That's what it takes, bit by bit! I hope the Latuda is working out for you.

It lit enough fire to get me to build a portfolio for my work (I don't know if it's appropriate to post on here, let me know mods!) and got me to be more motivated out of necessity. Still, I have doubts about my long term prospects and if it'll generate contentedness/happiness and I can just deal with the typical nonsense everyday anxiety everyone has about stuff. I know, it sounds odd right?

I certainly think it's appropriate to post your portfolio (though there's probably a corner of GAF with people more qualified to give feedback than me).

Also, what if contentedness is a mindset that can be trained more than a situation that must be built? No situation is permanent, after all.

I want to believe her stories, but it seems that she's just looking for excuses to contact me. I really don't know what else I should to with her and I don't want her to feel miserable because of me.

There's a fine, fine line that can be walked of both keeping someone at arm's length while offering enough support to make sure they're basically "okay". I don't know how, exactly, to do it, but I know it involves a LOT of patience and a calm, even demeanor. I hope your ex is able to get the help she needs, and honestly, I don't really know what I'd do in that situation either. It's so complicated. But all you can do is try your best to keep both yours and her best interests in mind and learn as you go.

I hate my life and I want to die.

I read something like this and I realized I'm fucked

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/why-is-regaining-weight-so-common/#axzz3rCR9EZMh

I'll never have the life I want. I'm going to be fighting an up hill battle until I die.

Furthermore, I don't like my social circle. They are a bunch of duchess. And my beat friend is rapidly becoming a dick.

I'm tired of my city and want to move across country but I'm afraid.

And I sick at my career and without grad school I'll never make enough to have a family or so what I want. But I stuck too much to get in, much less complete.

Megaloroso, I read this post as well as the thread you posted earlier and what struck me in both is the jump from one anxiety about a potential setback to it meaning, conclusively, that you'll never have the life you want and will suffer endlessly. It's also worth noting that the event you fear - regaining weight - has not yet transpired, so at this point it's a lot of suffering over a hypothetical that's been extrapolated out to mean a lot of things.

I am not under the illusion that this jump is something you took consciously, or that you can just will yourself into a new way of thinking, but I think it could help to at least recognize that the gap in logic is there, lest you take as 100% truth everything you're feeling right now. Anxiety and suffering have a way of clouding the brain and convincing us that everything they're saying is true, yet most of the time they've got a very warped perspective on things.

Life may well be an uphill battle much of the way, but along that uphill there are beautiful overlooks and wonderful plateaus that can offer rest and solace from the difficulties of the climb. Plus the result of the climb is to be moving forever upward - or at least, that's what we all hope for. Nothing you've said, in my mind, disqualifies you from getting a better social circle, or having a family, or finding a career path. Not that those things are easy, but they are certainly, undeniably, absolutely possible and it's good to keep that in mind.

I hope you're able to find some relief from your suffering soon and stay tuned as your perspective continues to move and change.

I'm honestly not sure what it was. And unfortunately, no, I'm not receiving any treatment at the moment, because my benefits ran out and I don't want to incur a huge debt. I'm just hoping I hear back soon, as I did file paperwork to keep/regain them, otherwise I'd have totally sought treatment already. I understand it's a matter of life and death considering my history of suicide attempts ever since I was 10.

I hope your filing comes through, HH. In the mean time, if you are having thoughts of harming yourself please, please do not hesitate to reach out to emergency services.

I think I can finally put a name to what I experience. I've got ADHD and GAD, but I've never been able to describe a sort of pervasive "down" feeling that generally has its grip on me. But I knew it wasn't major depressive disorder because I've seen that and it's way more intense than what I've got. I started looking because I always have really bad anxiety for days after hanging out with friends, thinking they dislike me and such. I started looking at subsets of anxiety and they didn't seem to describe me except GAD. (I don't get unusually anxious during social situations, so social anxiety doesn't really fit)

I went and found a differential diagnosis list for MDD and it said to rule out dysthymia. Looked it up and, holy shit, it fits me perfectly. Medscape even divides it into an anxious subtype



I haven't discussed it with my doc yet, and I expect it won't really change my treatment, but I feel better being able to put a name to it.

I'm glad you were able to find something that fits, Kwixotik. It's also worth keeping in mind how all of these different conditions interact - for instance, I found that my dysthymia is often a result of my anxiety or at least very strongly linked to it.

My sister called me and told me my brother died today. I responded with the most non-chalant :Ok: I've been struggling with my depression, apathy and lack of emotions for a long time now but I realize even that was cold. At least I think it was. I mean I cried and grieved when my father died but I literally feel nothing about this and its eating me up now on why I can't feel anything. He did unspeakable things to me and my sister as kids, he was a big factor if not THE factor why I grew up so fucked up and have the issues I have today. I always said he was the one person I could never forgive for the things he did. Over the summer he tried to contact me and get me to talk to him. He said he was in a bad way and had bad accident. I found it ironic we both had near death experiences around the same time. Having been there I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he had some introspection and realized everything he had done. Then in Sept. he sent me the message apoligizing and finally asking for forgiveness. I went the entire month of Oct. looking at that message not knowing how to respond. The end of oct he sent me another message that was just a bunch of question marks Finally last week I responded. I told him I forgave him that I loved him. I don't know if he read it now. I just don't know how or what I feel right now.

That sounds like a tremendously complicated situation, Ponn, and for tremendously complicated situations there usually aren't simple and tidy "right" answers. It sounds as though you acted fairly given the circumstances, and I hope you can turn your attention now to attending to your feelings as you go through this tough time.

In all honesty, Piano, after looking at all aspects of my life i know when i should end it. I've read and re-read your replies to me, thanks, but life isnt for me. I'm not going to keep going on in a life that very much out to destroy me mentally and physically. If i can pick up and go i would but life requires money which i dont have. I have no talents or skill sets. Ive failed too many times in my life to know that its time to call it quits. People die everyday so my own death isnt going to change anything.

I wonder, neojubei, how it is you feel life is out to destroy you, for certainly there must be ways to adjust to most any onslaught. Also, I'd argue that talents and skill sets are things that we continually develop, with no specific cut-off point. At least I hope that is the case, as I'm still in the process of doing so.

Anyone else in here suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder like I do?

Yep. The first diagnosis I ever received and probably the most consistently correct one, too.

I didn't tell anyone because I assumed they would just say "you just need to be more outgoing". Then I told people, which was hard to do, and they said "you just need to be more outgoing".

I just visited a doctor for the first time in at least 8 years because I had a chest infection, told them I was having panic attacks, suicidal ideation, e.t.c, and she said "well once the infection clears up come back and we'll talk about it". Which was funny because she mentioned she was finishing at the clinic and moving in two days. I probably wont go back. My work wants a doctor's note to prove that I'm actually sick, and not just hacking up phlegm for the fun of it, but fuck it.

Transhuman, I urge you to reconsider seeking mental health treatment. There are many options out there, and it is much more likely than not that you can find an option you're comfortable with that can provide you with relief from your anxiety.

<3

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

I certainly think it's appropriate to post your portfolio (though there's probably a corner of GAF with people more qualified to give feedback than me).

Also, what if contentedness is a mindset that can be trained more than a situation that must be built? No situation is permanent, after all.

Ah hell, I'll just link it...

I am somewhat at a loss at what you mean. Do you mean re-training your thinking into contentment? If so, I am fighting my own contentment due to a perceived notion that I am getting older and will be so out of sync with everyone else (due to not having enough experience with just about everything) reinforcing one of the fundamental roots of my anxiety/depression: To not relate. To not be a part of a social dynamic I want to be in. In fact, I have felt this way when I was a teenager which is no fucking surprise considering everyone at that age felt that way in some capacity.

Good example (on a more microcosm level) is me not being "in" when people talk about the latest game released because I have not been able to play it yet. i feel at ease when I get it day one and have something to talk about. I am sure a lot of people on here feel the same way. I mean sure, the materialistic aspect is nice and videogames are a great outlet to relax with it, but I yearn from the discussions and potential connections from it too. It's the sense of belonging I value the most.

With my art, it's somewhat the opposite. I want to create things that I feel proud of and (recently) I want to share it to the world, for better and for worse. However, I do it because (as dangerous as this sounds) I was always encouraged to do it as if it was some kind of weird manifest destiny, and because it's the only thing (I think) I am genuinely good at it. (Of course, that's all subjective) I think I said before that I had a sense of fulfillment doing it but now I am struggling because of the aforementioned depression sapping creative energy and a lot of insecurity of my skill.

Yeah, this turned into a journal entry. so the gist of it is: I feel isolated and stuck and it triggered a traumatic nervous breakdown that caused me to be emotionally fragile and more anxious/depressed I have ever been.