Why are you so boring? (to Tabris)

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Tabris

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So I'm at the age where some of my old friends are married and having their first children (early 30s) and without fail, the same truth always emerges - they become boring.

So first, caveat, I am not the best person as it'll probably won't be until I'm 40 before I have my first kid as currently I tend to only date women in their early 20s. But this also gives me a better perspective having my foot in both ponds (early 30s and early 20s) and I've just noticed this more and more.

I could never ask my friends this. And I know the answer will be about your time being prioritized around your child as they are the most important person in your life blah blah. I get that. I understand people not being able to go out as often if barely at all. I don't have an issue with that, I've had moments like that when I was doing part time school when I was younger and lately working on my startup.

The issue is that when they do get a chance to go out - they have nothing interesting to talk about anymore. We'll be at the bar and they'll just talk about either 1) the child and what's happening with them. 2) what they just watched on tv. Zzz.

It sounds so awful. I've told my friends, if I ever say "we're trying to have kids" to tell me this:

6y2xpd-jpg.gif
 
because they just created a being that they love more than life itself.


But on the less-serious side of things, I totally agree. Live a little, you buttholes! Find a sitter! Take turns going out and seeing friends!
 
I'm in the same situation as you OP, and I've also noticed this.

Kids are the most sure fire way to a boring life.
 
Tabris said:
And I know the answer will be about your time being prioritized around your child as they are the most important person in your life blah blah. I get that.
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Trust me you don't get it.
I was exactly like you with the whole "yeah I understand most important thing in life (rolleyes)"

It is the only real life game changer, and in a good way.
 
There are several points in life where social circles dramatically change and/or break. Changing schools, going to college, moving, changing jobs, entering/leaving serious relationships and yes, having children. It's kind of just how it works.
 
I adore babies and even young children, but this reason is one that has me second-guessing ever having kids in the future. You're stuck either living as a planet in orbit around baby, or you get called out for bad parenting because you aren't (even when they're doing great).

A babysitter will be a definite if I do have kids.
 
One of my best friend's with a kindergarten teacher who non-stop talks about kids NOW, I dread what it will be like when they have one of their own. I've pretty much made my peace with the fact that I won't see that friend half as much when they get married/have kids.
 
Herbs said:
my guess is they probably find you boring as well. perspectives change
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But they are the ones inviting me out as I've given up.

The worst is when they ask me and gf over for some casual get together at someones house where they spent more time preparing the food when we could have done so much more fun things. So it's not just their stories but how they spend their free time. It's like they lost the ability to have fun.
 
I completely understand what you're saying, OP. We had our first child back in March 2013, and our social lives certainly take a big backwards step. But that's part of the deal we make when we have children.

I've certainly come across people who fit your description perfectly - yes, we get it , you have a kid. (God I hope I don't come across like that...) It's a fine balancing act between maintaining good social graces (if you will), and being a parent. You have to have that free time to continue to be yourself - and that's the part that some people neglect (and thus become boring).

Since becoming a dad, I've stopped painting, drinking is almost non-existent (various reasons), cinema trips are a lot more picky, and vidya-gaming has slowed down too. But I still follow my hobbies, sport, current affairs etc, which allows me to carry on a decent conversation with my friends.

Also, as people have pointed out, preferences change as you get older, so you may just be on different paths of social interaction. Neither path is wrong per se, just more convenient or accessible to different people.
 
Tabris said:
But they are the ones inviting me out as I've given up.

The worst is when they ask me and gf over for some casual get together at someones house where they spent more time preparing the food when we could have done so much more fun things. So it's not just their stories but how they spend their free time. It's like they lost the ability to have fun.
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What changed is what you find fun and what they find fun.
A good meal is better than drinking at a bar for them.
 
It's not as easy to get a babysitter as you may think. Either one because you don't trust them or because it might be financially constricting for you (especially if you live in a city). It might seem that they boring because for you nothing major has changed in your life. If something major changed like a move, new job, a serious relationship, or even something like a divorce you would probably spend some time talking about it with your friends (at least while you are adjusting). I do agree with you though...it can sometimes be annoying. I'm currently pregnant with my first and I've actively tried not to make my pregnancy and anticipation for the future child the only thing I talk about with my friends. Before I was pregnant I felt like some of my friends were in this thing I called the "Baby Club". They would always talk abou being a parent and their kids and I struggled to even have a phone conversation with them (as they would always be multi-tasking and half listening to everything I said). I try not to put too much blame on them though..because again their life is being completely changed and that can take some time to get into the groove of things.
 
I have no issue talking about some major moment.

But when it's like the 15th month and the first words out of their mouth is "So blah blah is doing blah blah it's so exciting blah blah. Did you watch the latest blah blah episode? We were so excited."

There's 2 key points with that example. First it's no longer the "major moment" and second, they are putting the same excitement around some tv episode as the kid in the conversation.
 
It's because kids consumer your life. There isn't enough hours in the day when a new one arrives and your whole life if filled with the experience so what else are you going to talk about.

And yeah. It's great and it's one of life's greatest adventures.
 
Sesuadra said:
What changed is what you find fun and what they find fun.
A good meal is better than drinking at a bar for them.
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Changing a nappy with a hangover is the worst. I also feel like a shitty parent if I'm too tired/hungover to play with my son, so I tend not to drink because of that.
 
Tabris said:
I have no issue talking about some major moment.

But when it's like the 15th month and the first words out of their mouth is "So blah blah is doing blah blah it's so exciting blah blah. Did you watch the latest blah blah episode? We were so excited."

There's 2 key points with that example. First it's no longer the "major moment" and second, they are putting the same excitement around some tv episode as the kid in the conversation.
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You might just have to accept that you guys have moved in different directions. I'm not sure that it's all parents though. I know some parents that are like you described and I know other parents that are really fun to conversate with. But all parents have less free time than they previously had and that's a given.
 
Tabris said:
But they are the ones inviting me out as I've given up.
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As someone who has pretty recently become a parent, that's pretty rude of you. Giving up on friends? Because they have a child? You should be thrilled for them and if you were good friends with them you should want their kid to be a part of your life as much as they are. When one of my good friends had a kid a few years ago I was thrilled for him and made extra effort to keep in touch with him and to socialise with him. You don't know what it's like to have good friends almost instantly drop you from their life just because you had a child, it's a horrible feeling and you should feel ashamed of being guilty of that.
 
Why don't you try and bring up an interesting topic of conversation, rather than relying on them to do this? As I suspect, like me who has a son of almost 4 months, the only free time they have is spent with their child or watching TV/sleeping and are too tired to try and entertain you.
 
Tabris said:
But they are the ones inviting me out as I've given up.

The worst is when they ask me and gf over for some casual get together at someones house where they spent more time preparing the food when we could have done so much more fun things. So it's not just their stories but how they spend their free time. It's like they lost the ability to have fun.
Click to expand...

Right, because they have shit to do. Then they are tired from doing all that shit and want to watch tv.

Basically, as a new parent, you quickly learn that you used to spend a ton of time and energy doing dumb stuff that wasn't that rewarding. (I mean, like, it was probably rewarding at some previous point on Maslow's hierarchy.) All that shit gets cut.
 
My best friend is like this. His kid comes to visit with her grandma (his mom) sometimes and she's a real bundle of joy. I think when you have kids they siphon everything good out of you and take it for themselves.
 
McGreevious said:
As someone who has pretty recently become a parent, that's pretty rude of you. Giving up on friends? Because they have a child? You should be thrilled for them and if you were good friends with them you should want their kid to be a part of your life as much as they are. When one of my good friends had a kid a few years ago I was thrilled for him and made extra effort to keep in touch with him and to socialise with him. You don't know what it's like to have good friends almost instantly drop you from their life just because you had a child, it's a horrible feeling and you should feel ashamed of being guilty of that.
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Giving up on trying to schedule anything with them. It's annoying. It requires long term scheduling and that's generally not how I live my life. I like making plans as things come up.

"Wanna go to Vegas this weekend?" Answer is always yes.
 
Milksheikhs said:
So just unfollow their feed? Not really sure why this is a big deal for people. I find a lot of people I'm fb friends with have really irritating posts. I just unfollow their feed.
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I can imagine that there's people who have friends with kids and they'd be really curious about what's going on in their lives (i.e. their facebook posts), just not the pictures of their kids, so they'd rather not unfollow them altogether.
 
Tabris said:
they have nothing interesting to talk about anymore. We'll be at the bar and they'll just talk about either 1) the child and what's happening with them. 2) what they just watched on tv. Zzz.
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Well, it seems your friends are couch potatos and they aren't much interested in anything else asside from their kids.

Sounds boring, yes.

That doesn't have to be the case though.
But asking someone who just had a kid to go to Vegas is kinda dumb. Maybe you're trying too hard to hold on to the past instead of the new situation.
 
Because new parents haven't got the time nor energy to do the crazy shit they used to do which they later told you about at the bar. On behalf of every parent ever, we're sorry we forgot to be considerate about your feelings when we heard the news of our pregnancy. I hope you're not hurt too much. Here's a teddybear to make it all better.
1t4Re5y.jpg
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OP, you're going to be having kids at a time when your friends are getting out of that phase. In ten years, you're going to be the guy you're complaining about.
 
For the record, it is great to still have friends after you have a kid, because frankly you need the social contact and help, but you have limited time and energy. So you should be flattered that they're taking time to specifically plan stuff with you.

But if you have zero interest in their kid then you should probably, like, indicate that so that they can move on to somebody who will actually be helpful and supportive.
 
Today I looked after my son and played games like peekaboo. Tag around the house etc. Then while he was napping I went outside and did some gardening. It was a great day. Boring to talk about but thoroughly enjoyable.
Finished off with some home made mead.

Tomorrow I'll probably take the kids to beach to play with their cousins and I'll set some crab pots.

Life's great.

But then to my other parent friends all that is interesting.
 
Tabris said:
Giving up on trying to schedule anything with them. It's annoying. It requires long term scheduling and that's generally not how I live my life. I like making plans as things come up.

"Wanna go to Vegas this weekend?" Answer is always yes.
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So then the problem is that they're too boring, it's that you're too selfish or fickle to put in any effort to socialise with them. How long were you friends with these people? How close were you? It's really unfair for you to just drop them ,at a time where they really appreciate any social interaction, because making plans requires effort.
 
Never had this problem with my friends. I guess I have cooler friends then you. Get cooler friends. Or have kids and become one with your boring friends.

edit. Or maybe I have always been boring and I just don't notice the difference O_O
 
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