Support NeoGAF

[Foffy]

There are a lot of memories attached to Christmas that some people do not like.

That's then. Not now.

Focus more on the presence of now and less of the thoughts of the past or what was. What was is not what is.

Meditate, homies. See this division. :3

 

[Bel Marduk]

That's then. Not now.

Focus more on the presence of now and less of the thoughts of the past or what was. What was is not what is.

Meditate, homies. See this division. :3

Have a good Christmas, Foffy.

 

[Anth0ny]

I used to love watching Christmas movies, too. Now I literally can't watch a single one. Ugh.

 

[Shinypogs]

Shinypogs,
I am sorry you've had a turbulent few days, and the sense of loss from a separation, especially from something that obviously held so much excitement and promise for you sounds quite tough.

I've thought about it for a bit now, and I don't think you did anything wrong. I mean, quite evidently, from how you describe it, you made the best decisions you could have at several difficult points. Of course it's tempting to rethink those decisions with 20/20 hindsight, but that is not a luxury we have in the present moment and it does not sound as though you made any unreasonable or indefensible decisions in the midst of some real difficulty.

Is there a possibility of applying for another dog down the line? Perhaps it's best to way for things to smooth over in the short term, and let the experience settle and learn from it a bit first. There are many, many loving, adorable dogs out there that would be honored to have you as an owner.

<3

Merry Christmas to those that celebrate it, and Happy Holidays of all stripes for everyone!

Ty
I am still processing the loss and it is painful. There will be chances to foster and own dogs again in the future but it seems like forever away and part of me is scared no rescue or shelter will ever accept me after what I did and the fact that I have serious and severe psychiatric conditions. To be fair I do have a friend who said she'd speak to the rescue and foster program that associates with the vet clinic she works at so i mean things aren't completely hopeless. I can also maybe find a breeder willing to listen to my story and take an older pup from them or pay extra for them to hold a pup for me for several months since me + 8 week old puppy is never gonna be a healthy combination.

It's just convincing my mind right now that everything isn't the absolute worst situation it could be in + adjusting to the new meds I'm on etc has me all still a whirl.It feels like time is moving so damn slowly again, like a punishment for not cherishing the days when time seemed to disappear when i was super busy.

I'll be okay, sometimes I need to talk and seek advice but right now I'm not looking at a holidays in the hospital and if I get there, if I approach that edge I know who I need to call to pull be back.

 

[Foffy]

Have a good Christmas, Foffy.

Christmas is Friday, first and foremost. :3

 

[umop_3pisdn]

I am familiar with aspects of Vipassana meditation, and I am actually greatly interested in experiential philosophies of nondualism; currently invested in the domain of Advaita Vedanta, and one of the schools of self-inquiry ran by the late Swami Dayananda Saraswati, who had a tremendous humor on this topic. I would do Zen, but that's almost two hours from my home. Dayananda's ashram is twenty minutes.

I guess the state I am in is trying to peel the buildup of ego over my life. I know the self is a fraud, yet I can state this, and meditate this, yet when I'm around others I feel as if dualism is there, and I'm a standalone ego with free will. I suppose the sorrow comes in when I buy into that state, for dualism itself infers division. Then there's the whole social problem of inferring people are real egos and all of the evocations we put on them. I find it hard to navigate this with reason and understanding.

I think that's the situation: I get not-self, but feel as if I have to put on a self, feeding all of the illusions that makes. I can sit here and tell you why the self is bunk, but if you drag me out in a public square, I feel as if it's there.

As for the book, not really. I am actually more familiar in the models that call out the ego and its dualism, like Alan Watts' or Jiddu Krishnamurti's work. Less on meditation and more on demonstration that allows inquiry.

I find the easiest way to investigate not-self is to train concentration by attending to a simple meditation object (say the breath). Then eventually you can take 'the mind' or 'awareness itself' as a concentration object. At this point you just work on sensitizing yourself to how this phenomenon appears, making it more and more vivid, until you suddenly see it as impermanent. And this is a huge turning point, and not that hard to develop. Suddenly this thing that you saw as the primordial 'you' (consciousness itself) is revealed to be insubstantial, it's instant and deep panna, and an extremely elegant approach to developing it. At one moment you basically go 'that's me' (awareness), and then you go 'that's not me' (awareness). I think it might be the clearest way of getting the message across.

The more thoroughly your mind is trained, the more thoroughly it can be put to task. Focusing on singular perceptions (say 'the breath' or 'the mind') are relatively solid, your mind can sink into them, become devoted to them, and then through gradually stripping away extraneous or unnecessary things, your mind becomes so refined that you can work with the bare materials that experience is constructed from. Transforming the mind is the process, and it's important work, so to do it with confidence make sure you have the sharpest tools and the cleanest work-space. Mental discipline can't be understated, and concentration training is how you do that. Read anything by Culadasa (he has a lot of free pamphlets online) for the most explicit and robust understanding of how to train concentration and vipassana.

 

[Astral Dog]

That's then. Not now.

Focus more on the presence of now and less of the thoughts of the past or what was. What was is not what is.

Meditate, homies. See this division. :3

Have a good Christmas Foffy hope you will get alot of presents&#127873;

 

[Foffy]

I find the easiest way to investigate not-self is to train concentration by attending to a simple meditation object (say the breath). Then eventually you can take 'the mind' or 'awareness itself' as a concentration object. At this point you just work on sensitizing yourself to how this phenomenon appears, making it more and more vivid, until you suddenly see it as impermanent. And this is a huge turning point, and not that hard to develop. Suddenly this thing that you saw as the primordial 'you' (consciousness itself) is revealed to be insubstantial, it's instant and deep panna, and an extremely elegant approach to developing it. At one moment you basically go 'that's me' (awareness), and then you go 'that's not me' (awareness). I think it might be the clearest way of getting the message across.

The more thoroughly your mind is trained, the more thoroughly it can be put to task. Focusing on singular perceptions (say 'the breath' or 'the mind') are relatively solid, your mind can sink into them, become devoted to them, and then through gradually stripping away extraneous or unnecessary things, your mind becomes so refined that you can work with the bare materials that experience is constructed from. Transforming the mind is the process, and it's important work, so to do it with confidence make sure you have the sharpest tools and the cleanest work-space. Mental discipline can't be understated, and concentration training is how you do that. Read anything by Culadasa (he has a lot of free pamphlets online) for the most explicit and robust understanding of how to train concentration and vipassana.

Not to hijack the thread, but what are your views on awareness? I'm kind of lost on it, myself.

- Awareness exists prior to the identification in thought which creates the "I", the ego. I get this.
- Awareness exists beyond the five senses, which Sam Harris argues. I respect him and thus believe him, but lack such an experience myself.
- Awareness makes the cosmos what it is. This is the Vedantist point of view, and I find the characterization of the Self to be a little wooly.

Have a good Christmas Foffy hope you will get alot of presents&#55356;&#57217;

Thanks. I am probably getting next to no presents, though I don't want them.

Going to see how my mother feels later today. She's very sick, and us going to see family will depend on how she feels. We will probably spend Friday home, chilling about.

 

[umop_3pisdn]

Not to hijack the thread, but what are your views on awareness? I'm kind of lost on it, myself.

- Awareness exists prior to the identification in thought which creates the "I", the ego. I get this.
- Awareness exists beyond the five senses, which Sam Harris argues. I respect him and thus believe him, but lack such an experience myself.
- Awareness makes the cosmos what it is. This is the Vedantist point of view, and I find the characterization of the Self to be a little wooly.

In my understanding, 'awareness' is just a term for sati-sampajanna (or attention with alertness). Basically the ability to keep something in mind (for a sense of continuity), combined with the ability to recognize 'what is happening' (recognition). An experiential understanding of it from meditation is more valuable than knowing what various discourses say on it, and that better describes the 'form' that what we call awareness is likely to take in a meditative context.

-But awareness certainly precedes the manifestation of the defilements. This isn't really a big deal, we're constantly suspending the defilements in meditation, being temporarily without an 'I' is easy. The real fruit is uprooting them.
-Awareness isn't inherently tied to the senses, it's actually not that hard to develop a sense of 'knowing' that is devoid of all content. It's a really strange state though, it's almost like your mind is asleep (yet it isn't), because it's not actually perceiving anything. Yet you're not unconscious.
-I do not like awareness as the ground-of-being doctrines, I think it's an unnecessary conceptual elaboration.

 

[demented]

Well, Xanax is tremendously effective, demented, but it only lasts about 3 hours, which makes it useful mostly for short term anxiety situations. There are other benzodiazepines that last longer (Klonopin lasts 6) which can be useful, but if anxiety is a daily or constant thing it's usually better to find a maintenance medication that can be taken every day and have a constant effect. Options include SSRIs and Buspirone.

I think it's important to consult with a psychiatrist; I know you said it's a pain, but that pain is probably worth it in this circumstance. Is there a psychiatrist available locally?

Thanks for the reply, seen if a while back but never got back to writing a response.
I've been researching these, and SNRIs which are "new and improved" SSNRIs from what I've seen and I have no idea what to buy.
I can pretty much get a doctor to prescribe me anything that's available here, buspirone not being one of the things unfortunately, so seeing cymbalta and bunch of other drugs I'm not sure.
Yeah, I'm well aware I'm gonna be needing to speak to psychiatrist before undergoing treatment with it but at this rate it might take month or two (living abroad, no real medical here besides for urgent stuff) and who knows what they'll say, I don't really put much faith with them after last few experiences. So yeah, I just wanted to get something that I can take for few weeks, see how it goes and if it helps, hopefully not go crazy or do something bad until I get to see the doctor.

So xanax and these type of drugs that are only temporary are no go for me, I need something that you can take for longer period, and hopefully don't have dreadful side effects, can do alcohol socially or get you addicted for life, but I have a feeling that doesn't exist, does it pharmaceutical industry haha.

 

[Rainy]

Video games are fun ways to pass the time, Rainy, but I find that for me, a lot of the time, they just don't provide the sense of connection I need in order to keep marching through this life. Sometimes I can get by if I game / voice chat with a friend on Steam, though.

As far as attractiveness, I've long felt that it's a matter of meeting yourself in the middle; work on changing the things you (reasonably) can, and work on accepting what you cannot. For me, I felt better when I changed up my haircut, started working out and got some better fitting clothes, but I also had to open up to myself and others about what I didn't like about myself and go about making peace with my being who I am.

What do you mean when you say you kinda hate everything?


Merry Christmas to those that celebrate it, and Happy Holidays of all stripes for everyone!

Hey thanks for the reply Piano. Yeah I think I'm meeting up with some old friends soon so hopefully that feeling will go away soon. And yeah...I've been trying to work out more often, hopefully I can keep it up and see results.

On those depression filled days I just can't seem to find too many positives but it's been better the last 2 days. I'm hanging in there...or at least trying to.

 

[jb1234]

I got an invite tonight to spend Christmas Eve with a friend of mine and his family. We've known each other for ten years and worked together in a voice studio. Despite the overwhelming fatigue trying very hard to ruin the evening, I went out there anyway and had a pretty okay time, as evidenced here:

I got an invite to go back there for New Year's Eve, which is nice and I'll definitely consider it. My health tends to control my activities and I don't want to push myself but at the same time, it's critical for me to get out there and spend time with people. Otherwise, I just stay home and feel like I'm losing my mind from the loneliness.

I hope that everyone is having a good Christmas, or at least a tolerable one. I know how difficult the holidays can be.

 

[redlegs87]

Here's wishing everyone a merry Christmas/holiday. I just want to say I really appreciate all the time and energy Piano puts into this thread and each of his responses it means quite a bit. To everyone else thanks for being so open to share your feelings with everyone.

 

[DiddysKongQuest]

Here's wishing everyone a merry Christmas/holiday. I just want to say I really appreciate all the time and energy Piano puts into this thread and each of his responses it means quite a bit. To everyone else thanks for being so open to share your feelings with everyone.

He really is one of the reasons why this forum is so special to me <3

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope everyone has some relaxing days.

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

There's an old French saying that essentially amounts to "you get your appetite while you eat" and that was the case for me when it came to working my way out of my "default" state of doing nothing. As I started doing a few things here and there and they were at least sorta semi enjoyable I was able to keep motivating myself to do other things and and built from there upwards. This was, of course, coupled with work on my end to try to finally confront why doing nothing had become my ideal. For me, it was because I couldn't deal with the anxieties and uncertainties of my future and so I wanted as much free time as possible so I could hold on to it and try to control it and just hope it would never end. Of course, that's not how it works.

Can you describe the state of anxiety you're in on those sorts of days? Does it center on your anxieties about accomplishment?

<3

Merry Christmas to those that celebrate it, and Happy Holidays of all stripes for everyone!

Goddamn, that's me down to a T. When I was younger, I felt discouraged to do what I liked out of the anxiety that it wasn't "good enough" and that I was never encouraged to do anything either. In a sense, I de-motivated myself so much it became The Norm. For my state of anxiety, it's rooted around the uncertainty of my future and what I will get from my future. Will I enjoy it? Will I hate it? A lot of "what if's" and "I worry" is in those thoughts too which is what my therapist pointed out. She said putting worry before a thought spins it in a negative light, regardless of the thought itself.

In better news, I got an Xbox One and Fallout 4 for Christmas. You can't spin that in a negative light, lol.

Merry Non-Denominational Holidays!

 

[Kipp]

Merry Christmas, guys. A lot of you have been there for me throughout some of my hardest times this year, and I really appreciate that. I hope you have as good of a holiday season as possible.

 

[The Wall]

I got an invite tonight to spend Christmas Eve with a friend of mine and his family. We've known each other for ten years and worked together in a voice studio. Despite the overwhelming fatigue trying very hard to ruin the evening, I went out there anyway and had a pretty okay time, as evidenced here:

I got an invite to go back there for New Year's Eve, which is nice and I'll definitely consider it. My health tends to control my activities and I don't want to push myself but at the same time, it's critical for me to get out there and spend time with people. Otherwise, I just stay home and feel like I'm losing my mind from the loneliness.

I hope that everyone is having a good Christmas, or at least a tolerable one. I know how difficult the holidays can be.

This makes me happy.

 

[Kipp]

Ah yeah, so yesterday, out of nowhere my body just ran out of energy or something around 5pm.
I was an hour away from home doing some Christmas Eve stuff and I got super sleepy. Had to fight falling asleep on the drive home. Got home at around 6pm and went straight to bed. We had some company coming over for Christmas Eve, but I couldn't even manage to get out of bed to hang out with them. I ended up staying in bed until 7:30am Christmas morning and even then felt like total death for a few hours. It was slightly bizarre and now I'm anxious that it will happen again. It was a horrible feeling that is hard to describe. Still very unsure as to what exactly happened. And the fact that sleeping over 12 hours didn't fix a damn thing doesn't make me feel better either.

Ah well. Had a half-decent Christmas with my family at least. Though I've still had depression on my heels all day. I just honestly don't know what to do to make myself happy anymore. Nothing works. The things that make me happy are slipping away one by one and now there's pretty much nothing left, so I'm just going through the days just for the sake of going through the days.

Fuck. I just want to be happy.
To put it in perspective, I've been daydreaming about somehow getting ahold of some meth and/or heroin just to find some little bit of happiness. It feels like the only thing that'll work at this point.

And yeah, I know logically that things will improve, but that doesn't stop me from feeling these things currently.

Also, more and more lately I've been sharing how I actually feel with others. Told one person explicitly that I suffer from depression and admitted to a few other people that I just feel pretty miserable pretty much all the time. I'm kind of happy about that, since I've always wished I had the courage to tell people about my depression but never really felt able to.
Still haven't even come close to telling my family though. Not sure I could ever do that. If they ever find out it'll be because they find my meds or something.

Oh, and just FYI, I'm actually not feeling too terrible right now for what it's worth. Just have a lot on my mind and have felt a lot of things these past few days I want to get off my chest.

 

[Colin.]

I got an invite tonight to spend Christmas Eve with a friend of mine and his family. We've known each other for ten years and worked together in a voice studio. Despite the overwhelming fatigue trying very hard to ruin the evening, I went out there anyway and had a pretty okay time, as evidenced here:

I got an invite to go back there for New Year's Eve, which is nice and I'll definitely consider it. My health tends to control my activities and I don't want to push myself but at the same time, it's critical for me to get out there and spend time with people. Otherwise, I just stay home and feel like I'm losing my mind from the loneliness.

I hope that everyone is having a good Christmas, or at least a tolerable one. I know how difficult the holidays can be.

Think you're hot shit with that nerd gun, do you? 1v1 me irl and we'll see what happens. I know you originally weren't feeling too optimistic, but I'm glad you ended up having a decent day after all. And yes, I see my typo. I was going to change it, but felt the mistake was much more fitting. NERRRRD.

Also, more and more lately I've been sharing how I actually feel with others. Told one person explicitly that I suffer from depression and admitted to a few other people that I just feel pretty miserable pretty much all the time. I'm kind of happy about that, since I've always wished I had the courage to tell people about my depression but never really felt able to.
Still haven't even come close to telling my family though. Not sure I could ever do that. If they ever find out it'll be because they find my meds or something.

Oh, and just FYI, I'm actually not feeling too terrible right now for what it's worth. Just have a lot on my mind and have felt a lot of things these past few days I want to get off my chest.

Congrats on making that step. Putting your inner feelings and troubles out there is not an easy thing to do for some of us, and it took me quite some time to really do the same. Still have a bit of trouble with it due to not being able to quite express and communicate what I'm feeling as well as I'd like. As your tag fittingly puts it "I am taking tiny steps forward"

 

[Palpable]

It's the holidays, so naturally I feel myself slippin' again =\

 

[neojubei]

I hate Christmas and the holidays it's just a reminder I am single forever

 

[Amalthea]

Some higher power must hate me and whatever precautions I take to keep myself merry helps nothing with all the shit it throws at me. I had two completely different coffee machines literally spit hot water and steam in my face. Something that never happened before. My cat gave me some nice "Christmas logs" on the carpet on the only weekend my fucking appartment complex lets nobody use the laundry machines. And of course I gotta pay like 3000 bucks of bills wich is about twice I usually have to at this time. I broke my favorite coffee mug and the half dozen or so super glues I have bought this year can't be found anywhere at this moment, of course.

 

[redlegs87]

Had a pretty good Christmas didn't get anything but that's alright as I couldn't get anything for anyone myself. That and Christmas isn't just about getting gifts I had fun being with my family. I felt a little bad that I over ate a bit but I have been good with my diet lately so I brushed it off as no big deal.

 

[The Wall]

I'm trying to find better ways to cope with stress triggers and flashbacks. I've been seeing a counsellor or what have you for a few months. Where I live feels safe, for once. I'm finally living somewhere where I don't need to live in a state of hypervigilance and my mind and body feel like they're starting to come down from that fact.

I'm a bit at a loss in some ways because I've had a friend set me off into a violent outburst and/or flashback (I smashed my palm on the table, then slammed the table in a wall, causing cosmetic damage to the drywall).

I know I am currently in this state and have been around this sort of thing a lot in my life (black outs, violent outburts, threatening/aggressive language).

My friend is pretty good at understanding why I can be set off to act like this and black out briefly enough to react like that. Has anyone seen or been around this kind of thing? I'm wondering if there is any advice other than working through it and keeing with my professional help? This is the only safe place I have to live where I have begun to develop trust and, like I said before, I have started to come down from constantly living in "fight or flight" mode.

 

[AngryMoth]

I dunno if this will make anyone feel better or not but I posted here sometimes in the past when I was feeling very low and right now after many years of battling depression and anxiety I think maybe I can finally put it behind me.

In 2014 I almost got sectioned because the psychiatrist believed I was going to try kill myself (I was planning to). In the end I managed to talk him out of it by calling my mum into the hospital and forming an action plan. Seeing her reaction gave me a feeling I hadn't felt previously. The 'guilt trip' argument as I used to call it had never resonated with me until that moment but suddenly it became clear to me the devastating impact my suicide would have on the family, and I didn't really want to do it anymore.

After a few months the suicidal feelings had completely gone, and I started feeling a little more positive. I got a job as a carer, went travelling for 6 weeks in china and started the final year of my degree after a year of absence. Over the last year my confidence and positivity has slowly grown, with one exception back in April when out of the blue I tried to kill myself when drunk. I was absolutely horrified by this experience, I didn't know I still had that part of me, but fortunately it was a one off. For the last 6 months really I haven't really felt any of the old feelings of sadness and anxiety.

And then this christmas something I used to think would never happen has occurred; I have got my first girlfriend. Feeling lonely and like I would never be with a girl was always I big driver in my depression, I honestly felt like it was totally hopeless. If you told me a year ago I would now be with this beautiful, amazing girl there is just no way I could have believed it. But it happened, somehow.

So I guess I just want to say that if you're feeling hopeless maybe don't be certain you won't ever be happy, because I used to be 100% convinced I was doomed to be miserable but turns out I was dead fucking wrong, and I am so glad at the moment that I didn't actually kill myself. I know this story probably would have bounced right off me when I was feeling my lowest but you never know maybe it is helpful for someone.

 

[Chaos17]

Visiting family for holiday, as long as I don't talk about serious topivs (by accident), I'm feeling allright but when I do, people around me can be so heartless.

For example, about the kids of my neighboors, I got the same reply "they're kids, that's normal" They didn't cared of my pain and even though that was not normal to not tolerate the noise they made while it's not them who're living under them!

It's not the first time, lack of empathy from people, just make me want less to interact with them. Why should I talk to them if they aren't going to take in accont my feelings ?

Anyway, the med I got from the store is working but only temoraly and when it cease to take effect I can notice that my problem had become deeper than I though because I'm flinching to noise similar that the kids make while being outside of my apartement.

Yeah, those noises never bothered me before that much but now that I heard another level of voulume of them thnks to the kids, I'm flinching to them -.-


p.s : maybe not flinch more something like being surprised/blench

 

[User 479360]

I keep feeling dizzy and lightheaded off and on. I don't know what's causing it, but it seems to be triggered by looking down.

I don't know if it's Trintellix causing it, or what.

 

[jb1234]

Think you're hot shit with that nerd gun, do you? 1v1 me irl and we'll see what happens. I know you originally weren't feeling too optimistic, but I'm glad you ended up having a decent day after all. And yes, I see my typo. I was going to change it, but felt the mistake was much more fitting. NERRRRD.

Unfortunately, Christmas Day was a complete and total loss, where I had to cancel all of my plans. It didn't last, as I knew it wouldn't and now I'm crying and just a complete fucking wreck.

 

[Piano]

I was begining to be fine by eating more healthy food, sleeping enough.
My mood swing almost stoped until a family recently moved above my appartement...

I always hesitate to go see a doctor again to ask for real medication but I don't think I will be able to handle another month. I'm getting scarred now just before going to bed because I'm afraid to be waking up.

Yes, I already talked to my neighboor but for them it's normal to have a noisy kid because he is a kid... Then what I am ? Someone who gonna fall into depression because I can't be at peace in my own "house" ?

I could move out of my appartement if I had a job but I was trying to get healthy again either mentaly or physically. It's like hell I could go get a job and then just end up crying easey just because of little stress...

My roomate don't give a damn, only my family do but they're far so I feel alone and angry. I will try today to see if I could buy some med at the store... Yes, that's show how weak I'm irl, when something ain't going too well, I rely on med. I just don't take serious med yet from a doctor.

Chaos17, taking medications doesn't make you weak. There are billions of people in this world who need medications for various reasons, and most of them we don't think of as weak. Medication is here to improve our quality of life, not here so we can prove we don't need it.

Why do you hesitate to go see the doctor?

I am depressed beyond belief.

I spend every single day trying to push through but things have only gotten worse.

I am in the worst case scenario right now and I can't handle this.

I'm so sorry things are tough right now, IB. What's your worst case scenario? Can any of us offer an perspective or respite?

I'm really annoyed at myself. I'm here and we are five people including my girlfriend, and I told her before we came here that I will have anxiety (I suffer from social anxiety disorder) and not be good at talking with the others. And then while we all sit here, she say out loud that I should socialize more with the guy my age. Yet I'm not good at it, and I'm trying my best but I'm super uncomfortable. She knows why I'm not saying much, yet she ask me something I can't do in front of them all. I kind of feel like a failure again compared to others, like I just don't belong.

Sometimes it can take people quite a while to learn the ins and outs of our emotional needs, Madridista. I hope you can discuss what happened and how it made you feel with your girlfriend calmly so she can continue working to understand your emotional space.

That being said, sometimes it's good to challenge ourselves to reach outside of our comfort zones, as it's part of the process of expanding that comfort zone. That being said, there's a middle path, and it sounds as though it didn't feel like she was taking it. I encourage you to talk to her!

It's sometimes just really hard to not say something to him when is like that torwards the people that mean the world to me. Even today, on Christmas Eve, he was unable to behave. He talked how he currently has 3 girls and how they all would come over instantly If he'd would ask them to. I kind of get when he wants to look big in front of my friends, but not when the only people in the room are his close family. It's a sad thing to say, but Christmas last year was a lot more pleasant without him...

I originally planned to stop smoking weed for a couple of weeks, but the more time passed, the more I lost interest in smoking again. I don't miss it one bit. I'm currently also in a phase where alcohol doesn't taste good anymore. I don't know what triggered it, but as of right now, I don't even want to drink a single beer.

I'm afraid that my friends will be even more pissed off when I tell them that I don't want to drink any alcohol, as some of them already have a big problem with me not smoking weed anymore.

I have not yet talked with my girlfriend about school, but she has an older brother who, believe it or not, was once kidnapped by people he owed money to and caused a lot of other problems in his lifetime. So she can definitely relate to the situation and is supportive with the brother situation.

DKQ, if your friends have a huge problem with your not smoking weed or drinking then they've got their priorities way out of order. Most people think it's a bit strange that I don't drink but get used to it quickly when they see I can still hang out and be social without a drink. I make sure I don't present it as I'm "better" than them because I don't drink (I'm not) because that's the kind of thing that will often get people defensive or combative about the whole thing.

Discovered helium canisters on Amazon are 20% oxygen, thus nullifying my exit strategy. What a shame.

What's got you eyeing the exit, Stealthy Giant?

Ty
I am still processing the loss and it is painful. There will be chances to foster and own dogs again in the future but it seems like forever away and part of me is scared no rescue or shelter will ever accept me after what I did and the fact that I have serious and severe psychiatric conditions. To be fair I do have a friend who said she'd speak to the rescue and foster program that associates with the vet clinic she works at so i mean things aren't completely hopeless. I can also maybe find a breeder willing to listen to my story and take an older pup from them or pay extra for them to hold a pup for me for several months since me + 8 week old puppy is never gonna be a healthy combination.

It's just convincing my mind right now that everything isn't the absolute worst situation it could be in + adjusting to the new meds I'm on etc has me all still a whirl.It feels like time is moving so damn slowly again, like a punishment for not cherishing the days when time seemed to disappear when i was super busy.

I'll be okay, sometimes I need to talk and seek advice but right now I'm not looking at a holidays in the hospital and if I get there, if I approach that edge I know who I need to call to pull be back.

It sounds like you've got a good handle on the situation and your options, Shinypogs, and I think that's a great thing. For now, no matter how slowly time goes just know you've got to take it one step at a time, and I think the next steps will become clearer in time. Please let us know if there's anything we can do to help!

Thanks for the reply, seen if a while back but never got back to writing a response.
I've been researching these, and SNRIs which are "new and improved" SSNRIs from what I've seen and I have no idea what to buy.
I can pretty much get a doctor to prescribe me anything that's available here, buspirone not being one of the things unfortunately, so seeing cymbalta and bunch of other drugs I'm not sure.
Yeah, I'm well aware I'm gonna be needing to speak to psychiatrist before undergoing treatment with it but at this rate it might take month or two (living abroad, no real medical here besides for urgent stuff) and who knows what they'll say, I don't really put much faith with them after last few experiences. So yeah, I just wanted to get something that I can take for few weeks, see how it goes and if it helps, hopefully not go crazy or do something bad until I get to see the doctor.

So xanax and these type of drugs that are only temporary are no go for me, I need something that you can take for longer period, and hopefully don't have dreadful side effects, can do alcohol socially or get you addicted for life, but I have a feeling that doesn't exist, does it pharmaceutical industry haha.

I don't know a whole lot about SNRIs, demented, but my impression has always been that SSRIs are more commonly used for anxiety and are possibly more effective for anxiety. It depends on the specific drug, of course - different SSRIs have affected me quite differently. Either way, SSRIs/SNRIs usually take a few weeks to exert a noticeable effect, as they have to build up in the blood stream. Benzodiazepines become useful when one can't wait a few weeks for relief. There are other miscellaneous drugs that are used for anxiety as well - Gabapentin, Beta Blockers (for adrenaline / stage fright kind of stuff), even some anti psychotics at really low doses.

Point is, it's best to get an informed opinion on where to start. I really, really must caution against trying medications without the supervision of a doctor.

Also, all anxiolytic medications interact with alcohol, as far as I know, meaning it's best not to drink while on any of them. Not that people (including me) haven't done it, but still - caution caution caution! Furthermore, the comedown from alcohol can exacerbate anxiety symptoms, so if you're having anxiety problems it might be worth going light on the sauce for a while.

I hope you're able to find some relief. Keep us posted, and let us know if there's anything we can do.

Hey thanks for the reply Piano. Yeah I think I'm meeting up with some old friends soon so hopefully that feeling will go away soon. And yeah...I've been trying to work out more often, hopefully I can keep it up and see results.

On those depression filled days I just can't seem to find too many positives but it's been better the last 2 days. I'm hanging in there...or at least trying to.

You're doing the best you can, Rainy, and that's all I or anyone else can ask for, so I think you're doing a great job. Exercise definitely helps, and hopefully seeing old friends will bring up some good feelings, as well.

Here's wishing everyone a merry Christmas/holiday. I just want to say I really appreciate all the time and energy Piano puts into this thread and each of his responses it means quite a bit. To everyone else thanks for being so open to share your feelings with everyone.

He really is one of the reasons why this forum is so special to me <3

Merry Christmas everyone! Hope everyone has some relaxing days.

Thanks guys, I appreciate it!
Happy Boxing Day to everyone!

Goddamn, that's me down to a T. When I was younger, I felt discouraged to do what I liked out of the anxiety that it wasn't "good enough" and that I was never encouraged to do anything either. In a sense, I de-motivated myself so much it became The Norm. For my state of anxiety, it's rooted around the uncertainty of my future and what I will get from my future. Will I enjoy it? Will I hate it? A lot of "what if's" and "I worry" is in those thoughts too which is what my therapist pointed out. She said putting worry before a thought spins it in a negative light, regardless of the thought itself.

In better news, I got an Xbox One and Fallout 4 for Christmas. You can't spin that in a negative light, lol.

Merry Non-Denominational Holidays!

Uncertainty is brutal! There is so much we don't know, can't know, won't know, and it's hard not to get caught in the big picture sometimes and feel totally overwhelmed. I don't think there's one totally sure method of finding peace with the big picture - I'm still figuring it out - but I found the more I could train myself to stay in the present moment, feel comfortable with uncertainty and keep my focus on the day to day rather than the universe and its brother the better I do.

Conversely, other people work out of the uncertainty by engaging with the whole matter intellectually, like reading existentialist literature and things like that. I've read some but I don't think I'm smart enough for that.

The point is, there's a way back to a place where the little things and activities are gratifying and worth it in their own right, and it may take some exploring to get there but the more you explore the closer you'll get!

Fuck. I just want to be happy.
To put it in perspective, I've been daydreaming about somehow getting ahold of some meth and/or heroin just to find some little bit of happiness. It feels like the only thing that'll work at this point.

And yeah, I know logically that things will improve, but that doesn't stop me from feeling these things currently.

Also, more and more lately I've been sharing how I actually feel with others. Told one person explicitly that I suffer from depression and admitted to a few other people that I just feel pretty miserable pretty much all the time. I'm kind of happy about that, since I've always wished I had the courage to tell people about my depression but never really felt able to.
Still haven't even come close to telling my family though. Not sure I could ever do that. If they ever find out it'll be because they find my meds or something.

Oh, and just FYI, I'm actually not feeling too terrible right now for what it's worth. Just have a lot on my mind and have felt a lot of things these past few days I want to get off my chest.

I'm so glad you opened up with others, Kipp. It's scary, but it eventually brings understanding which can offer a great sense of support and relief. Can you continue to follow up with the folks you talked with or others?

Stress and anxiety can magnify exhaustion, so perhaps they played a part in your sudden loss of energy. I'm glad you seem to have recovered a bit, at least, and hope you're able to enjoy the holidays.

Also, I'm a square, so I'll go ahead and put my voice out there saying I don't think you should mess with meth or heroin. Sure, they might provide a temporary kick but it will push the default baseline lower, thus bringing the need for more temporary kicks. In that way, they're like an anti-solution.

If your depression is at the point where it's interfering with your day-to-day function, though, it might be time for some more aggressive treatment, Kipp. Have you considered any new treatment options?

It's the holidays, so naturally I feel myself slippin' again =\

How so?

I hate Christmas and the holidays it's just a reminder I am single forever

I'm sorry the holidays are hitting you in a tough way, neojubei. Forever hasn't happened quite yet, though; the future is unfolding in front of us and our present actions will shape what it contains. From here there is a path to a better future, if only we can find the strength to take it. Do you have any sense of any steps you can take to improve things?

Some higher power must hate me and whatever precautions I take to keep myself merry helps nothing with all the shit it throws at me. I had two completely different coffee machines literally spit hot water and steam in my face. Something that never happened before. My cat gave me some nice "Christmas logs" on the carpet on the only weekend my fucking appartment complex lets nobody use the laundry machines. And of course I gotta pay like 3000 bucks of bills wich is about twice I usually have to at this time. I broke my favorite coffee mug and the half dozen or so super glues I have bought this year can't be found anywhere at this moment, of course.

One of the aspects of mindfulness I found most interesting as I was learning it, Amalthea, was the ability to just take things at face value, as they are, without adding layers of judgment that weren't present in the actual experience. It sounds like some truly frustrating things have happened over the past few days, but only in our thoughts are they connected or do they reflect a judgment of ourselves or our character.

I hope this upcoming week unfolds more smoothly for you, or if it doesn't, I hope you can take things as-they-are, if that makes any sense!

I'm trying to find better ways to cope with stress triggers and flashbacks. I've been seeing a counsellor or what have you for a few months. Where I live feels safe, for once. I'm finally living somewhere where I don't need to live in a state of hypervigilance and my mind and body feel like they're starting to come down from that fact.

I'm a bit at a loss in some ways because I've had a friend set me off into a violent outburst and/or flashback (I smashed my palm on the table, then slammed the table in a wall, causing cosmetic damage to the drywall).

I know I am currently in this state and have been around this sort of thing a lot in my life (black outs, violent outburts, threatening/aggressive language).

My friend is pretty good at understanding why I can be set off to act like this and black out briefly enough to react like that. Has anyone seen or been around this kind of thing? I'm wondering if there is any advice other than working through it and keeing with my professional help? This is the only safe place I have to live where I have begun to develop trust and, like I said before, I have started to come down from constantly living in "fight or flight" mode.

I'm afraid I can't offer much specific advice, The Wall, because I haven't been through something like that. Are there any local groups that you could reach out to that could perhaps connect you with others who are coping with similar things?

In the mean time, as you guessed I'd say, continue seeking professional help, and if you feel that that help is not helping you there are doubtless many other options out there.

I dunno if this will make anyone feel better or not but I posted here sometimes in the past when I was feeling very low and right now after many years of battling depression and anxiety I think maybe I can finally put it behind me.

In 2014 I almost got sectioned because the psychiatrist believed I was going to try kill myself (I was planning to). In the end I managed to talk him out of it by calling my mum into the hospital and forming an action plan. Seeing her reaction gave me a feeling I hadn't felt previously. The 'guilt trip' argument as I used to call it had never resonated with me until that moment but suddenly it became clear to me the devastating impact my suicide would have on the family, and I didn't really want to do it anymore.

After a few months the suicidal feelings had completely gone, and I started feeling a little more positive. I got a job as a carer, went travelling for 6 weeks in china and started the final year of my degree after a year of absence. Over the last year my confidence and positivity has slowly grown, with one exception back in April when out of the blue I tried to kill myself when drunk. I was absolutely horrified by this experience, I didn't know I still had that part of me, but fortunately it was a one off. For the last 6 months really I haven't really felt any of the old feelings of sadness and anxiety.

And then this christmas something I used to think would never happen has occurred; I have got my first girlfriend. Feeling lonely and like I would never be with a girl was always I big driver in my depression, I honestly felt like it was totally hopeless. If you told me a year ago I would now be with this beautiful, amazing girl there is just no way I could have believed it. But it happened, somehow.

So I guess I just want to say that if you're feeling hopeless maybe don't be certain you won't ever be happy, because I used to be 100% convinced I was doomed to be miserable but turns out I was dead fucking wrong, and I am so glad at the moment that I didn't actually kill myself. I know this story probably would have bounced right off me when I was feeling my lowest but you never know maybe it is helpful for someone.

Wow. I'm so glad to hear that things have gotten better for you AngryMoth. Thanks for checking back in!

I keep feeling dizzy and lightheaded off and on. I don't know what's causing it, but it seems to be triggered by looking down.

I don't know if it's Trintellix causing it, or what.

What sort of dizzy? Off-balance, or more like world-spinning vertigo?

Unfortunately, Christmas Day was a complete and total loss, where I had to cancel all of my plans. It didn't last, as I knew it wouldn't and now I'm crying and just a complete fucking wreck.

I'm sorry shit got tough again, jb. I hope you can still appreciate the experiences you are able to have, rather than cast those under the cloud of frustration and despair. Easier said than done, I know.

<3

 

[Xe4]

Fuck today. Fuck everything about it.

It's snowing out, and I love snow. Winter is my favorite season, but I can't be dammed to do anything. I don't want to even get on my laptop and play a game or browse the web.

All I see around me are people who seem to be happy, even when everything is taken from them and here I am with a wonderful family wonderful life, good grades and good friends and I'm being a little depressed bitch.

I was hoping some idiot would hit me on my way home today, but apperently I have no such luck.

I've only dealt with this shit for a little while and it's been the worst time in my entire life. I don't know how people keep this up for years at a time. I dont know if I want to keep this up.

People say a day at a time, but that's hard when a great number of those days you spend in a complete dump of a mood.

Whatever...


Edit: I may not be the best person to PM right now but I'm always available to talk about anything, Jindrax

 

[The Wall]

All I see around me are people who seem to be happy, even when everything is taken from them and here I am with a wonderful family wonderful life, good grades and good friends and I'm being a little depressed bitch.

Many of the things you described can be mutually exclusive to how you're feeling- irrelevant in relation to why you feel bad.

 

[Jindrax]

Does anyone want to chat with me I'm not doing very well

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

Visiting family for holiday, as long as I don't talk about serious topivs (by accident), I'm feeling allright but when I do, people around me can be so heartless.

For example, about the kids of my neighboors, I got the same reply "they're kids, that's normal" They didn't cared of my pain and even though that was not normal to not tolerate the noise they made while it's not them who're living under them!

It's not the first time, lack of empathy from people, just make me want less to interact with them. Why should I talk to them if they aren't going to take in accont my feelings ?

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss people even if they are not outwardly signalising that they feel empathetic with your problems.
You sound like you are addicted to the empathy or others feeling sorry for you? Regardless of how they express how they feel, it is not going to solve your problem, and nobody is ever really going to understand how you feel besides you.

It's important not to let yourself get swung off the horse by other peoples feelings, because you will never ever be able to control others feelings.
And also to understand that some people are genuinely uncomfortable when people talk about their problems. They don't know what to say, so they try to ignore it and cheer the person up in other ways- not because they don't care, but because they don't know what to say.

Generally speaking people are selfish because they live inside their own heads. Thus it is limited how much people can cope with other peoples problems. That doesn't mean it's not nice to want to feel you are being understood and validated, but it sounds like you are very sensitive in this area and that it bothers you. Instead of being fixed on what they think about you, try and frame your thoughts differently; It's not really how anyone feels about you that is important or your concern. It's wild speculation that will never calm your mind. Instead try and ask yourself what other people think of themselves. You're not the object to be scrutinised or someone who need to be pitied. Your strength is not dependant on peoples empathy.


Jindrax - Feel free to write a PM if you need someone to talk to

 

[Wilsongt]

Meh, been having a rough... year, I should say. I've been depressed off and on all year, but it hasn't been crippling thanks to constant therapy and medicines. However, it's still there and it hasn't gone away or alleviated in any bet due to not being able to find a job and this whole unrequited love thing.

I have worked into putting all of my emotions into a little box, though, so it makes it easier, I suppose. Sometimes, lol.

 

[User 479360]

What sort of dizzy? Off-balance, or more like world-spinning vertigo?

Like my head isn't right, and just general dizziness and lightheadedness I guess. It's honestly tough to describe, but I feel off and like my head is spinning a bit.

It's not as if rooms are spinning or anything crazy, but it's bothersome.

 

[Wilsongt]

Like my head isn't right, and just general dizziness and lightheadedness I guess. It's honestly tough to describe, but I feel off and like my head is spinning a bit.

It's not as if rooms are spinning or anything crazy, but it's bothersome.

I get that feeling if I don't take my meds for a few days. I call them brain zaps.

 

[User 479360]

I get that feeling if I don't take my meds for a few days. I call them brain zaps.

It lasts for hours, though, and I did take my med yesterday.

 

[Kipp]

I just don't even know anymore. I don't know what's happening to me. There's literally nothing I want to do when I get home from work now, so I'll just go to sleep until it's time to work again. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I'm working so much, so I'm starting to feel like life has no point when I have no time to myself, but I'm not sure. All I know is things seem to be getting worse and worse.

I'm so glad you opened up with others, Kipp. It's scary, but it eventually brings understanding which can offer a great sense of support and relief. Can you continue to follow up with the folks you talked with or others?

Stress and anxiety can magnify exhaustion, so perhaps they played a part in your sudden loss of energy. I'm glad you seem to have recovered a bit, at least, and hope you're able to enjoy the holidays.

Also, I'm a square, so I'll go ahead and put my voice out there saying I don't think you should mess with meth or heroin. Sure, they might provide a temporary kick but it will push the default baseline lower, thus bringing the need for more temporary kicks. In that way, they're like an anti-solution.

If your depression is at the point where it's interfering with your day-to-day function, though, it might be time for some more aggressive treatment, Kipp. Have you considered any new treatment options?

I'm not sure if I plan to follow up with those I've talked to. I guess if it happens it happens. I'm kind of desperate to talk to people about it these days, so I wouldn't be surprised if I followed up with the people I've mentioned it to.

I think working too much is at least part of it, but I don't know for sure. Luckily I just have one more busy week and then things will calm down majorly until summer (and even then things won't be as busy as the holidays).

Yeah, I'm well aware that turning to hard drugs would be a terrible "solution." I mostly threw that out there as an example of where my mind has been at lately.

Depression hasn't really interfered with my day-to-day function any more than it has in the past, besides just using more of my free time to sleep than I used to. I've still been able to go to work and everything. So no, I haven't been considering any new treatment options, though I do still hope to be in a place where I can affordably go to a therapist. And it's also worth noting that I'm almost at 6 weeks of taking Prozac, so there's always the chance that that will kick in and provide some help.

Things just seem really, really dark lately though...

Edit: Had an especially hard hour or so where I just couldn't stop crying. Part of that hour was at work, where I had to try to keep my employees from seeing me crying which would've been a little embarrassing.
I also realized that a lot of my depression comes from the fact that I have nothing at all I look forward to, which leads to life seeming pointless. I just work and sleep and there's nothing I look forward to in between.
But anyways, I'm feeling a bit better now after my shift at work which went pretty decently (besides that beginning crying part).

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

Uncertainty is brutal! There is so much we don't know, can't know, won't know, and it's hard not to get caught in the big picture sometimes and feel totally overwhelmed. I don't think there's one totally sure method of finding peace with the big picture - I'm still figuring it out - but I found the more I could train myself to stay in the present moment, feel comfortable with uncertainty and keep my focus on the day to day rather than the universe and its brother the better I do.

Conversely, other people work out of the uncertainty by engaging with the whole matter intellectually, like reading existentialist literature and things like that. I've read some but I don't think I'm smart enough for that.

The point is, there's a way back to a place where the little things and activities are gratifying and worth it in their own right, and it may take some exploring to get there but the more you explore the closer you'll get!

<3

I can't get into stuffy existentialist philosophy either. Mostly because intellectualizing everything ruins the fun of, well, everything. It's not that ignorance is bliss, I just hate second guessing myself and second guessing things I enjoy. People can spout off about the the tenets of consumerism/hedonism and how it's a social malaise and/or has no value, I even see it on the GAF here even though its primarily a gaming forum. It's kind of absurd, honestly. Granted, I understand the pitfalls of self identification on one singular hobby and if said hobby doesn't necessitate you creating work of your own.

Oh yeah, maybe this will be of some help but I'd recommend picking up Dan Ryckert's book about his own experiences with anxiety. For what it's worth, there's a surprisingly amount of insight on what he was going through.

 

[Pachimari]

Sometimes it can take people quite a while to learn the ins and outs of our emotional needs, Madridista. I hope you can discuss what happened and how it made you feel with your girlfriend calmly so she can continue working to understand your emotional space.

That being said, sometimes it's good to challenge ourselves to reach outside of our comfort zones, as it's part of the process of expanding that comfort zone. That being said, there's a middle path, and it sounds as though it didn't feel like she was taking it. I encourage you to talk to her!

I just feel like I have tried explaining it to her for 4 years now, and I still don't feel like she understands it at all. Before we went to the Christmas dinner, I told her I probably wouldn't talk much with other people, as I get really nervous, and blank in my head. And still says out loud, that I should talk to the other guy my age, because he's trying to get in contact with me. It just makes me feel very uncomfortable, and I have explained it to her, but now there's just a weird atmosphere between me and her.

I literally challenge myself every single day, when I go out on the street among other people, walk across the street, walks dogs and all that. But this Christmas dinner totally killed me inside, I were exhausted beyond belief.

And now, I feel hopeless, and that it's always gonna be this way. I just don't work with other people, and thus it makes me feel lonely as well. I actually think I am close to a depression, and I have had one before in my life, and that wasn't fun at all - I really hope I won't drag back into a depression but I feel I'm very close to it.

 

[Palpable]

How so?

Thinking of the ex again. For months and months my thoughts were supressed to just memories, but more recently they are beginning to become longing. It has been over a year since our breakup and since she spoke to me. Everyone was right about 1 thing; it doesn't get better, it just gets easier. Everyone was also wrong about something; she still hasn't talked to me. No clearing the air, no nothing. A whole year. My worst fear after all this has come true; she really doesn't give a shit about me in any sense of the word.

 

[Kipp]

Well damn. By some miracle, I woke up in a good mood for the first time in a very long time this morning and have stayed in a good mood all day so far. And this is after yesterday was one of the darkest days I've had in recent history.

 

[User 479360]

Didn't take my pill last night, and am hoping that the dizziness will go away. It's prevalent today, though.

 

[The Wall]

Well damn. By some miracle, I woke up in a good mood for the first time in a very long time this morning and have stayed in a good mood all day so far. And this is after yesterday was one of the darkest days I've had in recent history.

Did you sleep particularly well?

 

[Kipp]

Did you sleep particularly well?

Lol. The opposite. Slept for like 5 hours.
And I mean, I've slept perfectly many, many nights recently but still wake up hating my life.

 

[Wilsongt]

It feels weird to struggle with the idea of wanting to reach out to someone other than my therapist and saying fuck it and not saying anything.

 

[Kipp]

Ah dammit...
Well after such a successful morning, it looks like tonight is turning the same way as last night. I'm pretty sure I can pinpoint the feeling to my consistent schedule of working both in the morning and the night. It feels like work is all-consuming and everything in between is just twiddling my thumbs waiting for it to be time to go back to work. It's real shitty.

The good news is that I just have one more 60-70 hour week before I'm back to my more typical 40-50 hour weeks which I don't really mind at all. Still, at this moment it feels like the feeling won't ever go away.

 

[neojubei]

Wish I had the strength to jump infront of a truck or train or jump off a bridge. People live and die and the world keeps going. So if I die it's not going to matter in whole bit. Looking at myself I see I'll never find anyone let alone love. Old fat ugly and a loser in life. It's probably worth a ticket to hell than to continue living my life.

 

[Rafa=FedKilla]

It lasts for hours, though, and I did take my med yesterday.

When did you start talking and what dose do you have of Trintellix? I take the American marketed version of it since late October. I was reading the efficacy studies, and it doesn't tend to fare better than placebo in terms of anxiety, but that's where it helped me the most and curbed addiction to soda. Depression has improved a smidge, but my unbound inner positivity only comes in spurts.


Kipp, what medicines have you been on and why do they prescribe old medicine like Prozac?

 

[User 479360]

When did you start talking and what dose do you have of Trintellix? I take the American marketed version of it since late October. I was reading the efficacy studies, and it doesn't tend to fare better than placebo in terms of anxiety, but that's where it helped me the most and curbed addiction to soda. Depression has improved a smidge, but my unbound inner positivity only comes in spurts.

I started taking it about a month ago. I find that I sometimes forget, so I double the dose the next day, but I'm on the very first, basic dose. It is the American version, I assume: just Trintellix.

It doesn't seem to be helping much. I still drink a lot of pop, and I'm very fatigued plus dizzy. I don't know if that's the pills, though.

I was told that it wouldn't help much with anxiety, but it was one of the only free trials that my psychiatrist had.