I've been on Lexapro and Zoloft already, so between those not working and my depression mainly being based around having low energy, my doctor thought that Prozac might work. It also worried me a bit that it was an older medication though, but I mean, it's not like the newer ones have done me any good, so might as well give it a shot.
Mental Health |OT| Depression & Co.
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
- Status
I've been on Lexapro and Zoloft already, so between those not working and my depression mainly being based around having low energy, my doctor thought that Prozac might work. It also worried me a bit that it was an older medication though, but I mean, it's not like the newer ones have done me any good, so might as well give it a shot.
Stealthy Giant
Banned
The only thing stopping me from killing myself is that I don't want to leave my mother all alone.
User 479360
Banned
That's one of my main reasons, plus a fear of the unknown after this. Hell, etc.
Thunderbolt
Neo Member
edit; removed
I only took my med the 2 first days at my family house because I was getting anxiety by hearing similar noise that the my neighboor kids made even when the volume wasn't the same at all.
Before, those floors wood noises didn't bothered me before that other day.
Unfortunaly, the kids were still there when I came back home yesterday night. I was hoping they gone back to their mother house (divorced parents). So I'm going to see how it's going to be and if I'm getting anxiety again that make me surpised/flinch. I will seriously consider to visit a doctor.
Because I can't imagine going to sleep every night by fearing noises or live during the day like that... because I don't want to go cry in a corner or I don't want to go out everytime I can't handle it when the kids decide to run daily a lot.
I really don't want to live in fear of noises... I was finaly getting better, living with less dark ideas... but now, I've discovered another type of problem when it's so intense that your brain give directly the order to your body to go through anxiety and tears without asking you anything.
Before, those floors wood noises didn't bothered me before that other day.
Unfortunaly, the kids were still there when I came back home yesterday night. I was hoping they gone back to their mother house (divorced parents). So I'm going to see how it's going to be and if I'm getting anxiety again that make me surpised/flinch. I will seriously consider to visit a doctor.
Because I can't imagine going to sleep every night by fearing noises or live during the day like that... because I don't want to go cry in a corner or I don't want to go out everytime I can't handle it when the kids decide to run daily a lot.
I really don't want to live in fear of noises... I was finaly getting better, living with less dark ideas... but now, I've discovered another type of problem when it's so intense that your brain give directly the order to your body to go through anxiety and tears without asking you anything.
Not sure why people think sucide is so bad I guess it can be for people who can have a better life however for me not so much. Sometimes I wish I can light my room on fire and just burn with all my stuff or suddenly jump off a skyscraper. I hate heights and fire would hurt too much. I've been reading up on suicide attempts just to find one that suits me. Bad thing I will have to explain to my best friend I won't see him in Japan next year.
Realized I didn't even give myself a present for Christmas this year. Maybe I should give myself the present of death and finally rid myself of the burden of life.
Realized I didn't even give myself a present for Christmas this year. Maybe I should give myself the present of death and finally rid myself of the burden of life.
Stealthy Giant
Banned
WOW. I just went to take my Seroquel and it turns out I missed my second Ativan dose. No wonder my night was rougher than usual.
DiddysKongQuest
Member
I think (or hope) it's more my own fear. I'm afraid that they might think that I'm going to be boring and that they are going to leave me behind because of that.
I have not yet talked with them about the fact that I don't want to drink anymore, but I assume they will not take me seriously and will do everything to force a drink on me on New Year's Eve. Kind of the reason why I'm probably going to disappear on that day and not tell anyone about it.
Yesterday I've reached a point where I just can't take it anymore. I don't want anyone around me and I think it's for the best if I finally seek professional help. Should I just make an appointment with a doctor and tell him what's been going on the last couple of months? I seriously don't know the procedure.
The other day I made a realization that sort of just lowered what little self-worth I already have. I had this friend, well rather him and his husband, that me and my boyfriend used to go hang out with pretty much every other weekend. They invited us over, we invited them over, went to dinner and played video games, etc. this continued on for a year, year and a half. We considered them close friends, hell my boyfriend talked to one of them almost every other day.
Anyway after awhile for one reason or another he became quite popular (I don't know if I should preface this with the fact we are furries, since he got popular in the fandom at a convention), started joining all these cliques and met all these people. I'm happy for him, right? Well as that happened we all hung out less. They called less, they were more busy when we asked to hang out, until finally months would pass between when we would ever hang out. He seemed colder, distant, and would always be on his phone whenever we hung out, whether it was with just us or others. It wasn't just me who noticed this either, it was my boyfriend and a mutual friend of ours.
Anyways, I guess my point is that it made me doubt if we were that great of friends in the first place. I don't have many, but the few I so have I try to make them feel appreciated. But now I just doubt that I'm anything more than being tolerated, like I'm some stopgap because people can't find someone better. I don't know why I'm so hung up on this, but it is kind of eating me up inside. It is hard for me to do the acquaintance thing after hanging out so often I guess. I don't know if I should just cut him out of my life or what. And honestly the more I dwell on this the worse I feel, like I'm just some worthless husk.
Sorry for the vent. Anyone else I'd talk to about this knows him, and I'd worry it would get back to him. I don't want some confrontation.
Anyway after awhile for one reason or another he became quite popular (I don't know if I should preface this with the fact we are furries, since he got popular in the fandom at a convention), started joining all these cliques and met all these people. I'm happy for him, right? Well as that happened we all hung out less. They called less, they were more busy when we asked to hang out, until finally months would pass between when we would ever hang out. He seemed colder, distant, and would always be on his phone whenever we hung out, whether it was with just us or others. It wasn't just me who noticed this either, it was my boyfriend and a mutual friend of ours.
Anyways, I guess my point is that it made me doubt if we were that great of friends in the first place. I don't have many, but the few I so have I try to make them feel appreciated. But now I just doubt that I'm anything more than being tolerated, like I'm some stopgap because people can't find someone better. I don't know why I'm so hung up on this, but it is kind of eating me up inside. It is hard for me to do the acquaintance thing after hanging out so often I guess. I don't know if I should just cut him out of my life or what. And honestly the more I dwell on this the worse I feel, like I'm just some worthless husk.
Sorry for the vent. Anyone else I'd talk to about this knows him, and I'd worry it would get back to him. I don't want some confrontation.
User 479360
Banned
I wish I could help, and the truth is that I haven't been doing that well myself. Please seek help if you find yourself close to doing anything harmful, and send me a message if you'd like to talk.
I don't judge, won't be rude, and will reply as soon as I can. Even if you need to vent, send me a message - that's fine, too.
I don't judge, won't be rude, and will reply as soon as I can. Even if you need to vent, send me a message - that's fine, too.
Astral Dog
Member
There are many reasons to not kill yourself, but fear of Hell should not be one of them, it leaves you much worse and its simply not worth it to feel that way. Its simply needless conflict
I cant say much that will be of help, but first dont blame yourself, you obviously have been through a lot with the accident and isolation, and seems you are deeply anxious.
Have you tried professional help? Hopefully thats going to get you on the right path. The good thing is that you are in a good position to change those feelings or thoughts if you want, meet alot of interesting people and are still young.
Getting anxious about the future or past wont help , better to work now so you feel better and more confident.
And maybe try to do those activities like sports you enjoyed too. Its goingto help alot when you are feeling better
I can relate to everything, Kid (except the Furry and Gay stuff, but that's not the point). I've always been in the 'middle' when it comes to other non-family people, liked but not loved and never hated. Throughout my entire schooling career after the age of 10 I wasn't invited to a party, get-together or even just 'hanging out' once. Every social gathering outside of school had to be arranged by me. For long periods I became the typical loner, going to my school's library, never really speaking to anyone unless forced to. I didn't mind, I'm very much introverted but the worst part was that no-one cared. Once I inevitably had to find a friend group to avoid sitting in the toilets I joined in and nobody really noticed. I joked and talked but nobody ever asked why or where I went at all.
For you, I'd say its best to talk with him and be honest. I don't know the guy so I wouldn't know what to say or how he'd react, of course. However, this issue seems to be on him instead of a personal fault of yours so ask him why. If he reacts negatively then do the hard thing and break the friendship off. I'd need to know both you and him to give specifics but communication is most likely the best solution here; I know I definitely regret not asking what I was doing wrong. Hope this helps.
Yeah find a good therapist you trust and it can be really great. Pills on their own will help but pills + therapy is super effective at least for me it has been. I really hope you get to feeling better Kipp.
I've noticed the days I am down the most are when it's raining out and I can't get a chance to walk my dogs or jog for a bit. The days I get to be active I feel so much better then the days that I am shacked up in the house. This winter is going to be hard for me if I can't get out much.
One of the very frustrating things about depression for me is that the ability of others to help you is very limited. Like, I'm just aching to be able to call someone up and let them make everything better, but there's just nothing anyone else can do for me (to an extent, obviously).
It's a hopeless feeling.
Not sure who you were responding to (or if it was just a general statement), but regardless, that's very nice of you to offer. I hope you start feeling a bit better soon.
Thanks redlegs, I appreciate it.
And yeah, totally agree. Getting outside usually makes me feel a bit better. If it doesn't make me happier, it at least brings me a sort of peace. It's always so hard to convince myself to go outside when I'm depressed though. And on top of that, I've been working too much lately to get outside anyways.
It's a hopeless feeling.
Not sure who you were responding to (or if it was just a general statement), but regardless, that's very nice of you to offer. I hope you start feeling a bit better soon.
Thanks redlegs, I appreciate it.
And yeah, totally agree. Getting outside usually makes me feel a bit better. If it doesn't make me happier, it at least brings me a sort of peace. It's always so hard to convince myself to go outside when I'm depressed though. And on top of that, I've been working too much lately to get outside anyways.
Stealthy Giant
Banned
We're gonna make it. Send me PM's if you're feeling like there is no hope.
Hey y'all, I don't stop by that often but I really need to vent. I've been dealing with some intense feelings of loneliness the past several months, and it had only been getting steadily worse, but things blew up Saturday night when my roommates, my roommate's sister, and I were all taking shelter in response to a tornado warning.
We were thankfully safe, but we felt and heard it pass by us from within the shelter and the tornado that demolished huge portions of our town came far closer to us than I've ever experienced. I was okay at first, but I guess the trauma of it all brought the intense loneliness I've been feeling to the forefront of my mind. While the rest of my household left to stay with family during the resulting blackout, I realized that I couldn't possibly imagine going with them. I went to my room and began quietly sobbing, up until the point where my roommate called for everyone that was leaving. I tried to tell them through my tears that I couldn't go, but my quiet sobs erupted into full-blown wailing at that point.
I spent the next day in bed, and instead of having a new appreciation for life in wake of the disaster, I found myself asking for death more than I ever have. It's day 3 since the tornado hit and I'm still in a daze and not feeling a whole lot better and just needed to type this all out, so thanks for listening.
We were thankfully safe, but we felt and heard it pass by us from within the shelter and the tornado that demolished huge portions of our town came far closer to us than I've ever experienced. I was okay at first, but I guess the trauma of it all brought the intense loneliness I've been feeling to the forefront of my mind. While the rest of my household left to stay with family during the resulting blackout, I realized that I couldn't possibly imagine going with them. I went to my room and began quietly sobbing, up until the point where my roommate called for everyone that was leaving. I tried to tell them through my tears that I couldn't go, but my quiet sobs erupted into full-blown wailing at that point.
I spent the next day in bed, and instead of having a new appreciation for life in wake of the disaster, I found myself asking for death more than I ever have. It's day 3 since the tornado hit and I'm still in a daze and not feeling a whole lot better and just needed to type this all out, so thanks for listening.
Yes, there's no denying that the days in the "one-day-at-a-time" approach can be misery. They can be horrible. Sometimes it's necessary to break things down to one hour at a time. The point is to approach things at a scale you can currently handle, since often what gets many of us down are big picture things that aren't today or tomorrow. Still, none of that makes it feel better right now. I'm sorry you're having a tough one Xe4.
There isn't one clear answer to how people go through it for years at a time, for everyone has different coping mechanisms, but generally a good path to go is learning to adjust and minimize suffering in the short term while working on medium to long term solutions. Hence, mental health treatment.
And it's worth always keeping in mind that many people that seem happy aren't. I've seemed happy for much more of my life than I've been happy. That charade is what pushed me to close almost all social media and be cautious about how I use it - even though I know it isn't real, it bothers me to see everyone acting like things are perfect.
I'm glad to hear that therapy and medications have offered you some relief, Wilsongt. Hopefully continued treatment will bring greater understanding and long term relief.
Hmm interesting I hadn't heard of that book. Thanks for the recommendation, FITG!
I just feel like I have tried explaining it to her for 4 years now, and I still don't feel like she understands it at all. Before we went to the Christmas dinner, I told her I probably wouldn't talk much with other people, as I get really nervous, and blank in my head. And still says out loud, that I should talk to the other guy my age, because he's trying to get in contact with me. It just makes me feel very uncomfortable, and I have explained it to her, but now there's just a weird atmosphere between me and her.
I literally challenge myself every single day, when I go out on the street among other people, walk across the street, walks dogs and all that. But this Christmas dinner totally killed me inside, I were exhausted beyond belief.
And now, I feel hopeless, and that it's always gonna be this way. I just don't work with other people, and thus it makes me feel lonely as well. I actually think I am close to a depression, and I have had one before in my life, and that wasn't fun at all - I really hope I won't drag back into a depression but I feel I'm very close to it.
Excuse me if you've already answered this, Madridista, but have you ever sought counseling to see if you can make sense of why you feel you don't work with other people? Or do you have any sense already? It's a topic worth exploring in some way or another.
What ultimately motivates you to hold back?
I think it's important to realize, neojubei, that you're conflating the present with an assumed future. Just because you're suffering and unhappy with how things are in the present does not damn to you a certain future. In fact, what better use is there for the present than to make steps towards a future that is more desirable to us? This route will vary, of course, both based on what future one is aiming for and how one chooses to get there - there are many, many paths between here and there. It's not possible to know the entirety of the path from the outset but I think it's certainly possible to take a first step, and then a second, and then a third and so on.
Suicide isn't "bad", in my opinion, in the sense that those who take their own lives are cowardly or acted unjustly. Rather, in 99% of situations it's a permanent solution to an impermanent present moment, one that can somehow be routed toward a different future. Not easily or painlessly, mind you, but it is possible. Does that make those who take their own lives weak? No, when we're suffering that much it seems like the only way out. It's senseless to judge folks for that. However, it also seems inaccurate to think that, in that much pain, we have a accurate or reasonable view of here and there and what to do about it. Hence why many of us feel it's important to dissuade others from suicide.
Thanks for joining us, Thunderbolt. Have you considered seeking mental health treatment or counseling? Often it can help us work through our changing attitudes as we grow older and have to redefine ourselves and our world, especially as you look forward past graduation.
Adjusting to the idea of graduating college was very tough for me. I realized I'd never really thought of the steps in my life between "graduate" and "have a life / career / family". I was missing around a decade, and for that period of time after I was spit out of school life had no plan for me. I had to figure everything out, or be left behind. Or at least, that's how it felt. I can't say whether or not I've truly figured it out - I'm back in school now with a clearer career path. But I've been exploring it and it gets me down less than it did. I'm in the process of figuring it out, I guess.
I really think it would be good to go see a doctor, Chaos17. In the mean time, I hope you're able to get some rest and peace of mind.
DKQ, here's a post I wrote a while back summarizing the mental health treatment options that are out there.
It sounds to me like you're looking for counseling / a therapist, rather than a psychiatrist at this point. There are several ways to go around finding one (in the US, at least). You could go to your GP and ask for a referral. If you know someone else who's seen a therapist they've worked well with you could ask them for information. Otherwise you can call your insurer / go to their website and get a listing of the covered providers in your area. Once you've got some information you'll have to call a few and leave messages, and they'll get back to you about whether or not they have openings. If they do, you schedule an appointment to see if you get along, and then you either keep seeing them or try someone else.
As I said in that post, it may take a few tries to find someone whom you work well with but it IS worth it, and there is a sense of relief that often comes just with feeling like you're making steps towards finding solutions.
Let me know if anything is unclear or you have any other questions!
Well, The_Kid, I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. The comings and goings of friendships can be very hard to deal with, especially when it feels like it's out of our control. On the plus side, there are always more friends to be made out there, but that certainly doesn't take away the difficulty of dealing with distance from a once-close friend. Have you considered calmly explaining your feelings to him directly?
There are naturally ups and downs in the "moving on" process, IP. There will be times when it feels that you're totally past it, and then times when you have a sort of "relapse" and your feelings come rushing back. Things, generally, seem to be trending in the right direction, though, so I hope you're able to keep this blip in context.
Also, just because she hasn't gotten in touch with you doesn't speak to her feelings one way or the other. These things are complicated, and one of the toughest parts is being at peace with just not knowing. I don't know if there's truly a such thing as "closure" in breakups...I've never found it. But as you said, you slowly learn to adjust and it does get easier.
I have not personally had that happen, Phil0sophy, but I have a friend who's had similar issues related to his physical health. He's found quite a bit of relief with anti-panic medication and counseling to try to figure out where his anxiety is coming from. Have you ever sought mental health treatment for this issue?
First of all, I'm glad you're safe, iirate. I must imagine that at least part of the reason you're having emotional difficulty is the intensity of everything that happened; it seems not unlikely that that's a factor in how you're feeling.
Do you have any fix on why the experience brought the loneliness to the forefront of your mind?
Glad you noticed that, SG! That will definitely lead to some rough roads.
<3
Hi piano, I don't know if you remember me, but I do have one bit of good news, I did get to keep my benefits (insurance) and have an appointment set somewhere in less than a month, regarding my various issues.
Unfortunately, last night, I did fuck up pretty badly and alienated some people, and it is totally my fault for doing so; it was because I casually insulted someone not even present. I was going through some hot water at my home and so as I was freaking out I just insulted them. Right now I'm still feeling so awful and on the verge of throwing up, which is why I've been posting a lot on GAF today. I... don't know. I'm really sad. Being trans, undocumented, depressed and suicidal too often really hurts. I should have had better control and not have called someone what I did.
Unfortunately, last night, I did fuck up pretty badly and alienated some people, and it is totally my fault for doing so; it was because I casually insulted someone not even present. I was going through some hot water at my home and so as I was freaking out I just insulted them. Right now I'm still feeling so awful and on the verge of throwing up, which is why I've been posting a lot on GAF today. I... don't know. I'm really sad. Being trans, undocumented, depressed and suicidal too often really hurts. I should have had better control and not have called someone what I did.
I have the same thing going on too. She has my siblings... But I want to see her still. I wish I could hug you right now, reading your post is making me cry. You'll definitely be alright, we all will be.
Even though things have been going pretty well lately it just makes me feel somewhat anxious. In that the other foot is going to drop sometime soon to squash all this progress I've made. I know it's just my brain thinking way to far ahead and thinking the absolute worst possible scenario. It's just a thought so I haven't let it get to me like it did at first I can get past it.
I've had a few things of mine break recently and I have zero money to replace them and that has been stressing me out a bit as well. It always seems to be the fact that I don't have any money to be my main source of stress in life right now. I do look forward to finding a job to hold down in the coming year and save up for once in my life and be on solid financial footing.
Then I have my younger sister who is going through a really bad phase of hypochondria. I hate seeing her being so stressed out which in turn stresses me out. That and the stuff she get's up to because of it can be stressful having to calm her down it doesn't help that our relationship is pretty strained atm.
I've had a few things of mine break recently and I have zero money to replace them and that has been stressing me out a bit as well. It always seems to be the fact that I don't have any money to be my main source of stress in life right now. I do look forward to finding a job to hold down in the coming year and save up for once in my life and be on solid financial footing.
Then I have my younger sister who is going through a really bad phase of hypochondria. I hate seeing her being so stressed out which in turn stresses me out. That and the stuff she get's up to because of it can be stressful having to calm her down it doesn't help that our relationship is pretty strained atm.
Have you been inside for longer periods of time than your used to?
Not really. I've been inside (my room/house) for shorter periods of time than I'm used to since November. The anxiety is only acting up now, though, and it is bad.
MultiJhonny
Banned
Take a walk. Do breathing exercises. Physically exercise. Call a friend to talk.
I assume you don't take any meds for it.
Too scared to exercise. It's so bad I'm physically shaking. This hasn't happened since 2012-ish. I have meds, but they just knock me the hell out, and with it only being 2:30pm, I'd rather not sleep from now until 5am when I need to get up for work.
Breathe in long and deep through your nose, exhale long and deep through your mouth. Sip some cold water, cut down on caffeine for the next little bit. Have you looked into a short stretch routine maybe?
Haven't looked into anything since anxiety hasn't bothered me so strongly for ages. Now I don't remember what I used to do.
MultiJhonny
Banned
how are you doing now?
User 479360
Banned
I know the feeling. 2015 really sucked for me, but it was still better than 2011-2014.
I hope 2016 will be better for both (actually, ALL) of us. Happy new year, guys and girls.
EricTheRed
Member
I'm almost jealous of you guys who feel something. I just feel numb. Would much rather burst into tears and feel something. What I'm experiencing can't be natural.
Megalosaro
Banned
I'm raging hard right now. Was told "I liked fat Megalosaro" just now because I refused a beer.
I've heard that before and every time I get furious.
I've heard that before and every time I get furious.
New year approaching, depression kicking back in hardcore, horrific nightmares/night terrors returning. Looks like 2016 will continue to be a year of struggles and breakthroughs followed by backtracking because I will apparently never have paid my dues enough to just feel happy and safe for a prolonged period of time.
User 479360
Banned
I fell asleep and slept through the dumb New Year hubub. Meh.
Royal_Phalanx
Member
Piano, I've tried counseling, though it's hard to actually get an appointment if you want counseling for free (I live in a country with universal healthcare). I did go private before, but it ended up costing too much. Also, I hope that 2016 will be a lot less shit than 2015. NYE was a reminder of how alone I feel. I feel like opening a bottle of cider and drinking it on my own, to be honest. I have it right next to me.
It is taking every fiber of my being right now to not break down. I am keeping everything together... barely. I am trying not to cry, or drink, or do something stupid and pretend I am in a good mood so that all of this crap I am feeling will just go away.
I am also trying not to reach out for help because I am tired of having to depend on people who don't want to help, anyway.
I am also trying not to reach out for help because I am tired of having to depend on people who don't want to help, anyway.
First of all, I'm glad you have an appointment set up, HH.
I think we all go through times when we say things that, in retrospect, we'd rather we hadn't, but it sounds like you already have a very balanced perspective on what happened - you've made the link between your own suffering (and the situation at home) and the increased tendency to show a hard edge, which is a connection I didn't make for a looooooong time. The more we can recognize the catalysts of our actions the more we can work on finding other outlets for those emotions. It sucks in the interim, yes, but I hope you'll be able to weather the next few days and begin to move on or make amends with those involved.
If I had a dollar for every time I said "waiting for the other shoe to drop" to my therapist I'd have at least $100. Maybe even $200. God it seems like any time things are going well I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's so senseless - one is either presently suffering or suffering from the anticipation of future suffering.
I don't know if there's one "key" to getting out of that mindset, necessarily, but identifying it when it's happening is a big step, and I think over time the more you see that shoes don't end up dropping (or at least not the ones you expect) and are able to connect all of the dots of life into a narrative, not just the bad ones, the more the "other shoe" mentality weakens.
Could it be anticipation of something? Is school starting up again soon?
Anyways, I hope it's cleared up.
Why do you have zero optimisim, Anth0ny?
I'm sorry if you've already established this, ETR, but are you seeking mental health treatment of any kind?
That's a really mean thing to say. Were you able to tell the folks who said it that it made you feel bad?
I'm sorry your depression is kicking in hardcore, Shinypogs. I find it interesting, though, how quickly you seem to jump the gap from "things are bad right now" to "things will be bad this entire year". Surely you can see the gap there, right? The only certainty is the present moment, our future is yet to be shaped by the present moments leading up to it. The year has just begun, and there are many, many present moments yet to come.
You didn't miss much.
Was counseling helpful? Did you stop going?
Also, I find that when I'm sad drinking will make me feel a bit better for the next hour and then much worse for the following 4 to 24 hours.
I may differ from others here, Wilsongt, but I really, really don't think pretending to be in a good mood is ever helpful. A war against our feelings is one we're sure to lose. Have you tried writing - either writing out how you're feeling or just any words at all that are on your mind? Or even speaking out loud?
Also, if you need support I encourage you to reach out to others. Have people given you any indication that they don't want to help?
<3
I guess today is a better day. I mostly came in here to remark how intresting and totally mind blowingly scary it is to go from suicidal to non-suicidal and remark on that. A few days ago (and yesterday even), I was contemplating ending my own life. There were many things keeping me from doing so, how it would effect others, fear, etc, but whatever they were, I didn't.
Now I thought about how absoulutely scary that is, to no longer exist, and the idea that I was considering killing myself out of depression is so scary. When I think about people, and myself being dead, I usually think about them being a corpse the pain they leave behind in others, and so on. I think less about being that person, to no longer exist, to be gone... forever. I am scared of dying, but often I get to a place where it seems like death is my only option.
But today will be okay. I mean, I'm still depressed, and by in large not happy at all where I am in life, but at least I will not die today. I'm going to put on some Inside Out, probably cry a bit, and try to mend things with those that I love. It'll all be ok Mental Health GAF, try to keep up the good fight, even if every day is a struggle. Try to keep figthing for those moments when you are even a little bit better, and cherish them.
Thank you Piano(I read your post but I think my respone would be redundant), Mental Health GAF, and every one who supports me in some way or another whether they are reading this or not.
Xe4 <3:')<3
Now I thought about how absoulutely scary that is, to no longer exist, and the idea that I was considering killing myself out of depression is so scary. When I think about people, and myself being dead, I usually think about them being a corpse the pain they leave behind in others, and so on. I think less about being that person, to no longer exist, to be gone... forever. I am scared of dying, but often I get to a place where it seems like death is my only option.
But today will be okay. I mean, I'm still depressed, and by in large not happy at all where I am in life, but at least I will not die today. I'm going to put on some Inside Out, probably cry a bit, and try to mend things with those that I love. It'll all be ok Mental Health GAF, try to keep up the good fight, even if every day is a struggle. Try to keep figthing for those moments when you are even a little bit better, and cherish them.
Thank you Piano(I read your post but I think my respone would be redundant), Mental Health GAF, and every one who supports me in some way or another whether they are reading this or not.
Xe4 <3:')<3
Hey guys, I don't recall ever posting on this thread before but I have lurked often.
Just wanted to share my progress over the last few months. Through the combination of medication and CBT, I am feeling so much better. Now, things aren't perfect, but I can definitely say that I just am not capable of falling into such a deep pit of pain that I was in months ago.
Not too long ago, I felt hopeless about my social anxiety and depression, and they in turn made me feel hopeless about other things. Any time that there was a source of stress in my life, it all got even worse. I came close to suicide a couple of times in early 2015.
But the problems that seemed unfixable then just don't feel as important now, because I feel so much more content with myself.
I know many of you are really struggling, and I feel for you right now. I can't make some empty promise that things will get better. But it is possible that things will get better, and even though I personally still have a long way to go, it amazes me how I feel relatively content now after being chronically depressed for so many years.
Just wanted to share my progress over the last few months. Through the combination of medication and CBT, I am feeling so much better. Now, things aren't perfect, but I can definitely say that I just am not capable of falling into such a deep pit of pain that I was in months ago.
Not too long ago, I felt hopeless about my social anxiety and depression, and they in turn made me feel hopeless about other things. Any time that there was a source of stress in my life, it all got even worse. I came close to suicide a couple of times in early 2015.
But the problems that seemed unfixable then just don't feel as important now, because I feel so much more content with myself.
I know many of you are really struggling, and I feel for you right now. I can't make some empty promise that things will get better. But it is possible that things will get better, and even though I personally still have a long way to go, it amazes me how I feel relatively content now after being chronically depressed for so many years.
User 479360
Banned
Glad to hear you're doing better! Also, welcome to the community.
What all did your CBT entail, if you don't mind me asking? Back when I was exiting high school, I went to see a psychologist in town, and he wanted to do it for my OCD. However, I was scared, didn't feel ready and told him I wanted to try pills before I did anything. I said I'd go back.
I didn't.
One reason was his $150/hr charge, which I felt bad for asking of my parents.
It's mainly focused on dealing with my social anxiety. For example, we pick a situation that gives me anxiety, write down my automatic anxious thoughts, find the thinking errors in those thoughts, challenge those thoughts in a mock "dialogue", and come up with a rational response I can use to challenge those thoughts when the situation arises. Then, as homework, I try to put myself into that situation.
Yeah there have been things to happen lately that probably would have sent me spiraling in depression but I've been able to get through them pretty easily. Yes it's hard to get out of this pattern of thought process. I am making progress on it though I think at least.
I look in here occasionally whenever I see it pop up on the first page. I suppose it's because on some subconscious level I've always felt somewhat depressed.
I guess in August I triggered some issues that maybe I've been susceptible to. I moved, and I was about to start school but I started having panic attacks. I don't know if it was the loans, moving like 6,000 miles, a combination maybe. Basically the second I left it started and it was maybe a week or two straight until I decided I couldn't handle school and moved back home. Barely ate or slept for the entire episode. I felt better once I was home but whenever I think about going to school I think of that experience I almost have a panic attack again.
Since then I've been pretty depressed and have felt really worthless. I've done essentially nothing the past four months. I can't find a job (I have one degree already) and even thinking about having a job, I can't imagine getting up and going to work to do some bullshit everyday. It just seems pointless. Just work and make money to....afford some food and crap place to live? After leaving and coming back home, I basically feel abandoned by all my friends. There are all of two friends I talk to anymore and one of them lives out of town. So I pretty much have a "fuck you" attitude towards anyone else.
Im not like depressed all the time. It comes and goes. It's pretty present later at night and especially when I try to go to sleep. Other times I feel fine. I can think of goals for the future and about a career. I can pick up my guitar and write and record music. I can work on writing some stories I've been working on. Other times I look at that and it all seems pointless and I'm not interested at all. But then I can remember wanting and having passion for what was my career path...which is maybe gone now.
I recently found out my mom takes Zoloft and she wants me to see a doctor and maybe get on it. Sometimes I want to but mostly it frustrates me. It makes me feel like I'm wrong or broken, which I guess I feel anyway. I suppose one of the biggest things is thinking I will have to take drugs to be normal and that really bothers me most of the time. Like I'll be a fake person because it's just drugs affecting me. Probably even worse, is wondering if I had known about these problems before last August and had been on medication, maybe I wouldn't have had a panic attack and I would've stayed and I'd be a quarter of the way through a masters degree by now. And there's at minimum half a year wasted. Trying to get back to school...basically a year wasted of my life.
Probably rambling a lot by now, hopefully that made some kind of sense. I'm just really stuck right now and don't know what to do. Logically it seems like I need to at least see someone about my problems and then maybe get some medication depending on how that goes. But then I get stuck in a bunch of "what ifs." I'm also unsure if this is like a permanent thing and if starting medication is something I should do if I don't really want to have to rely on it. And if I do start something I'll probably want to get off it in a few years and there will be no way of knowing if that's a bad idea or or not. I basically fucked up my plan for life pretty bad last year and I don't want to do that again if I can get back on track.
Ok now I'm really rambling. I just don't know what to do and even though I don't currently give a shit to do anything with my life there's still some small part that isn't happy about wasting away and feels that I need to do something.
I guess in August I triggered some issues that maybe I've been susceptible to. I moved, and I was about to start school but I started having panic attacks. I don't know if it was the loans, moving like 6,000 miles, a combination maybe. Basically the second I left it started and it was maybe a week or two straight until I decided I couldn't handle school and moved back home. Barely ate or slept for the entire episode. I felt better once I was home but whenever I think about going to school I think of that experience I almost have a panic attack again.
Since then I've been pretty depressed and have felt really worthless. I've done essentially nothing the past four months. I can't find a job (I have one degree already) and even thinking about having a job, I can't imagine getting up and going to work to do some bullshit everyday. It just seems pointless. Just work and make money to....afford some food and crap place to live? After leaving and coming back home, I basically feel abandoned by all my friends. There are all of two friends I talk to anymore and one of them lives out of town. So I pretty much have a "fuck you" attitude towards anyone else.
Im not like depressed all the time. It comes and goes. It's pretty present later at night and especially when I try to go to sleep. Other times I feel fine. I can think of goals for the future and about a career. I can pick up my guitar and write and record music. I can work on writing some stories I've been working on. Other times I look at that and it all seems pointless and I'm not interested at all. But then I can remember wanting and having passion for what was my career path...which is maybe gone now.
I recently found out my mom takes Zoloft and she wants me to see a doctor and maybe get on it. Sometimes I want to but mostly it frustrates me. It makes me feel like I'm wrong or broken, which I guess I feel anyway. I suppose one of the biggest things is thinking I will have to take drugs to be normal and that really bothers me most of the time. Like I'll be a fake person because it's just drugs affecting me. Probably even worse, is wondering if I had known about these problems before last August and had been on medication, maybe I wouldn't have had a panic attack and I would've stayed and I'd be a quarter of the way through a masters degree by now. And there's at minimum half a year wasted. Trying to get back to school...basically a year wasted of my life.
Probably rambling a lot by now, hopefully that made some kind of sense. I'm just really stuck right now and don't know what to do. Logically it seems like I need to at least see someone about my problems and then maybe get some medication depending on how that goes. But then I get stuck in a bunch of "what ifs." I'm also unsure if this is like a permanent thing and if starting medication is something I should do if I don't really want to have to rely on it. And if I do start something I'll probably want to get off it in a few years and there will be no way of knowing if that's a bad idea or or not. I basically fucked up my plan for life pretty bad last year and I don't want to do that again if I can get back on track.
Ok now I'm really rambling. I just don't know what to do and even though I don't currently give a shit to do anything with my life there's still some small part that isn't happy about wasting away and feels that I need to do something.
Do you have any sense of what changed to put you on the other side of that fear, Xe4? It is quite interesting that it changed so suddenly.
Either way, I'm glad you're feeling better
Thanks so much for your story, game_boy. I'm so glad to hear that CBT worked well for you. Even when we have a long way to go I find it often feels so good just to feel like you're moving towards that long way at all. A sense of momentum and improvement, if you will.
Of course, redlegs87, I realized after I posted that I may have come across harshly, as if I was saying you should be able to just stop thinking that way. I certainly don't think that. It's all so much easier said than done. So sorry about that.
If you feel there's progress, that's what's most important. And that feeling can be so, so wonderful!
Thanks for joining us, Syncytia. I have a few thoughts and hope they'll be of some use to you.
Have you considered mental health treatment other than medication? It sounds like there are a few things going on here, with the circumstances you're in being a not-insignificant part of what's got you in a bad place. While medication can be very, very helpful (and may help you greatly) it can't, for instance, take away regret over the time you feel you've "wasted" or instantaneously give you your momentum back. It's another tool to help us do those things, but ultimately there is no way around our problems other than straight through them.
It seems as though counseling could be very helpful for unwrapping what's going on and helping you get unstuck.
Medication could be very helpful as well, of course. I hear your fear that medication will just make you a different person or a phony or a fake but my doctor put it best when I had similar concerns: the goal of the medication is to make you feel more yourself, not less. And if it doesn't, then you stop it and try another medication.
That's the other thing - medication isn't permanent. It's a treatment option that you are free to use as long as you need that treatment. Many people take medication for a period of time and then discontinue it when they sort out other methods of relief or things get better. Several folks in my family have discontinued medications after things improved and done well. Maybe you will want to discontinue in a few years, maybe not - but that seems like a question to resolve in a few years, not now, right?
Furthermore, going to see a psychiatrist isn't a blood pact commitment to taking medications. It can be helpful to explore available options even if you don't end up going through with all of them.
Exploring and pursuing options for mental health treatment can be a frightening process, but it really, really is something that can be so, so helpful once we start down the path. Here's a post I made a while back with more info on therapy and psychiatry, which may be helpful. Let me know if you have any other questions!
<3
pixelation
Member
I have a professional boxing match in two weeks from now... i just want fight night to come so that i can be done with it. Don't like thinking about it every single breathing moment of my life until then. Trying to make plans on what i'll do and not do, and how i am going to win.
Is it your first? After a few, you'll get used to the feeling of going through them, I'd think, and feel a bit less overwhelmed.
pixelation
Member
No, it's the second professional one. But it's always been the same even in amateur fights, but it's part of the game.
Ah, there you go. It's a very specific sort of circumstance so I would have no idea if the adrenaline ever eases.
I didn't mean to come off as serious or anything. I know you weren't being harsh or anything. I enjoy your input into the things I post. If I ever have a problem with how you respond I'll be sure to say it flat out and not have you wondering.
pixelation
Member
Yeah, they say it's best not to lose it. But don't let it overcome you.
- Status