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[jb1234]

Really, really struggling today.

Also burst out crying at a line in a song for the first time today. That was interesting.
This is the song by the way.
The chorus hit me so hard.

I believe in you, bud.

This last week has been spent in a very dark, agonized haze. And as I don't see any chance of that changing any time soon, I have done some writing. I was pleasantly surprised to note that my three-year old suicide note didn't need any revision, although I did add a part at the end asking for two of my compositions to be played at my funeral (Prelude for Peace and Yearning), preferably by my college piano teacher (if available).

The rest of the writing was letters, to be delivered after my death. Around the same time I wrote my suicide note, I signed up for a website that specializes in sending emails to people after a series of checks to see if I'm alive have failed. In order to reset this process, I have to click on the link. I have done so dozens of times over the last three years. I think the reasons I'm dying will be clear to anyone who knows me well but there's other things I want to say too, personal things. In an ideal world, I'd be able to go out on my own terms, with my loved ones around me but this world is far from ideal and too many people are non-supportive of euthanasia in cases of extreme, non-terminal suffering. I'd love for them to spend a few hours in my body for a change. A shame that technology doesn't exist yet.

For now, I have a few goals I want to accomplish. Dark Souls 3, because it's Dark Souls, although my failing health may make it difficult to play the game until the flare at least lets up for a bit. I've been crying for the last few hours because of the severe pain... basically everywhere. It feels like I'm choking on it. And I really want to finish this piano piece that I had started writing in the middle of last year. I've been stuck on it for a while but who knows? Inspiration could strike. Part of me wonders if these pieces will become important after my death (unlikely, they're not *that* great) or if they'll just diminish into obscurity with the rest of my life. The only people who'll remember me are the ones who loved me and that too will fade.

(Oh, and it would be nice to lose my virginity but I may have to accept that will never happen, given my condition. I've tried to get dudes interested in me but they bail the instant they learn that I'm disabled. Which is pretty much what I expected and hurts like hell. I get that I'm not exactly a prime romantic catch but I'm still in the prime of my 30s looks-wise and loaded for bear. Penile bear. If you get my drift. Which I think I've made very clear.)

I want to believe in hope. But years of suffering, countless failed treatments and silence from doctors has taught me that sometimes, it just doesn't exist. And I'm tired of pretending that it does for the benefit of the people around me. This'll be my last post in this thread. There's nothing left to say. Thank you to everyone who has supported me over the last several years. I hope that I was able to make a difference in your lives as you did in mine.

 

[neojubei]

What is a normal life?

<3

I guess the opposite of what i am living right now.

Yeah I've stopped doing that. I don't have a Facebook account because I care about privacy too much, but a few years ago I created a fake account because I needed it for a group assignment for an university course. Apart from other members of my group, I added a few other acquaintances.

I hated being confronted with their awesome lifes all the time. All the pictures of them going out with friends, travelling, or just being together with their significant others. Couldn't deal with that. I deleted the account a few weeks after we finished the assignment.

One day at my previous job, I was a bit bored and decided to google my highschool classmates from back then. Turned out that at least one of them had already married. Fucking hell. I have never had a relationship in my entire life, and this guy is already married? I was mad the entire day.

Pretty much where i am now. Two of my old high school friends are not only married but have kids and a gay guy i used to hang out with is living in LA with his boyfriend who is very much my type.

 

[Teriyaki Blues]

Re: Hotlines.

Is that so? Well that's nice. But personally, I'd never do that. I feel like I'd waste their time which they could use to help someone with bigger issues. I feel similar about posting in here, by the way.

I don't think that way at all. See, I've made my attempt. I did my inpatient. I know what the suicidal impulse feels like, how quickly it can sneak up on you, and I know what doing inpatient is like after you survive. I know how all that feels, and I know that doing preventative care in mental health, just like physical health, is almost always better than letting things degrade to a breaking point and then trying to fix it. I also know that impulsive suicide attempts are a ton more initially lethal than planned suicide attempts and that 9/10 people who miraculously survive an impulse-driven attempt never make a second one, but I'm pretty damn sure that if I was working a hotline, I'd want to keep as many first ones from happening at all as I could. And that's what calling before you're at a breaking point does.

Facebook: scientifically proven to make people (more) depressed because nobody posts the shitty things in their life, just the good stuff. You can't see the bad, but it is there. Been happier since I deleted mine. I still stay connected to a meetup group or two through it, and follow author pages, etcetera, but I no longer have to have fake and carefully edited for happiness saccharine crap shoved down my throat.

Alcohol/meetup tips: drink some (1-2) at start of the event if you're unmediated, just enough to lower social anxiety. You're looking for tipsy and nursing it, not "they got those big chewy pretzels there". Show up early, and talk to people/person before there's a crowd. Event organizers will show up early too (if they're able) and can provide 1-on-1 introductons which help a lot. Breaking into a conversation isn't my forte, either, but I find doing things that way makes me feel more included. Might work. And if it is bad again, is kicking yourself for a few days for going, making an honest attempt, and it being bad worse than kicking yourself for a month for not going?

Do NOT drink within 1-2 hours of driving home, slam some water and sober up instead, and do not drink alone afterwards - as well as being an impressive social barrier weakening device, alcohol is also a depressant. That's right, that little bastard is the reigning champion of "kicking them when they're down". What a jerk.

 

[Izuna]

Is there really no way to die that doesn't disturb people?

I never asked to be born. I am sick of being hated for existing. All I think about is what I can do for other people but I am only told to think about myself.

I really want to die. I don't even care if there is a hell. At least then the suffering will make sense.

Lying on the grass in a middle of nowhere feels more like home, but it's windy. I find myself checking emails just to hear that someone loves me but I've never seen it before.

I really understand you all hate me. I hate myself too. Stop forcing me to stay alive so you can laugh at how I'm not as good as you.

I just want to be gone.

 

[Kipp]

I really, really need some encouragement guys...

I can't remember if I already told you guys, but I got a job in New Hampshire and I'm leaving for there on Thursday. I live in Southern California and have my whole life, so it's a huge change. I've wanted to move for years though cause I've never been a huge fan of Southern California. But anyways, I was super excited at first, but ever since a few days ago, now that it's finally happening, the reality of it is hitting me. I really feel like I can't do this. Every time I even think about the fact that I'm moving away I start having to fight back tears.
I've always had a really hard time leaving home even though I've never even been a big fan of home. For example, I planned a two month trip to the UK and Europe by myself when I turned 18 and I just fell apart and came home in two weeks. I was absolutely miserable and the most depressed I've ever been and missed home so much.
And then I moved away to college (I was only 45 minutes away from home even, but I didn't have a car with me so the distance was a little greater in reality) and it was the same deal. Just absolutely miserable and I missed home so much. I ended up coming home after one semester instead of staying the whole year.
If I'm already feeling like I felt those times before I've even left, I can't even imagine how I'm going to fare after I leave, or a week after I leave, or after a month away from home. I just really don't feel like I can do this anymore. And that's particularly a horrible feeling because it's always been one of my main goals to move away and it's what I've wanted for so long. So basically I can't stay but I can't go. I'm miserable either way.
I just don't know what to do. I know that it'd be good for me to go do this at the very least just to not have that "What if?" and I'm sure I'll grow from it, so I know logically this is obviously what I should do. I mean, it's what I've wanted for forever. But right now the only thing in the world I want is to have some reason to not go and stay at home.
I just can't handle it. I'm a weeping mess. I really need some encouragement guys.

 

[Oxn]

I really, really need some encouragement guys...

I can't remember if I already told you guys, but I got a job in New Hampshire and I'm leaving for there on Thursday. I live in Southern California and have my whole life, so it's a huge change. I've wanted to move for years though cause I've never been a huge fan of Southern California. But anyways, I was super excited at first, but ever since a few days ago, now that it's finally happening, the reality of it is hitting me. I really feel like I can't do this. Every time I even think about the fact that I'm moving away I start having to fight back tears.
I've always had a really hard time leaving home even though I've never even been a big fan of home. For example, I planned a two month trip to the UK and Europe by myself when I turned 18 and I just fell apart and came home in two weeks. I was absolutely miserable and the most depressed I've ever been and missed home so much.
And then I moved away to college (I was only 45 minutes away from home even, but I didn't have a car with me so the distance was a little greater in reality) and it was the same deal. Just absolutely miserable and I missed home so much. I ended up coming home after one semester instead of staying the whole year.
If I'm already feeling like I felt those times before I've even left, I can't even imagine how I'm going to fare after I leave, or a week after I leave, or after a month away from home. I just really don't feel like I can do this anymore. And that's particularly a horrible feeling because it's always been one of my main goals to move away and it's what I've wanted for so long. So basically I can't stay but I can't go. I'm miserable either way.
I just don't know what to do. I know that it'd be good for me to go do this at the very least just to not have that "What if?" and I'm sure I'll grow from it, so I know logically this is obviously what I should do. I mean, it's what I've wanted for forever. But right now the only thing in the world I want is to have some reason to not go and stay at home.
I just can't handle it. I'm a weeping mess. I really need some encouragement guys.

I have little in terms of encouragement, however i would love to be in your shoes.

Also, maybe im wrong, but it doesnt sound like you are afraid to leave home, but more like you are afraid to leave on your own, and everyone you know behind.

 

[Kipp]

I believe in you, bud.

This last week has been spent in a very dark, agonized haze. And as I don't see any chance of that changing any time soon, I have done some writing. I was pleasantly surprised to note that my three-year old suicide note didn't need any revision, although I did add a part at the end asking for two of my compositions to be played at my funeral (Prelude for Peace and Yearning), preferably by my college piano teacher (if available).

The rest of the writing was letters, to be delivered after my death. Around the same time I wrote my suicide note, I signed up for a website that specializes in sending emails to people after a series of checks to see if I'm alive have failed. In order to reset this process, I have to click on the link. I have done so dozens of times over the last three years. I think the reasons I'm dying will be clear to anyone who knows me well but there's other things I want to say too, personal things. In an ideal world, I'd be able to go out on my own terms, with my loved ones around me but this world is far from ideal and too many people are non-supportive of euthanasia in cases of extreme, non-terminal suffering. I'd love for them to spend a few hours in my body for a change. A shame that technology doesn't exist yet.

For now, I have a few goals I want to accomplish. Dark Souls 3, because it's Dark Souls, although my failing health may make it difficult to play the game until the flare at least lets up for a bit. I've been crying for the last few hours because of the severe pain... basically everywhere. It feels like I'm choking on it. And I really want to finish this piano piece that I had started writing in the middle of last year. I've been stuck on it for a while but who knows? Inspiration could strike. Part of me wonders if these pieces will become important after my death (unlikely, they're not *that* great) or if they'll just diminish into obscurity with the rest of my life. The only people who'll remember me are the ones who loved me and that too will fade.

(Oh, and it would be nice to lose my virginity but I may have to accept that will never happen, given my condition. I've tried to get dudes interested in me but they bail the instant they learn that I'm disabled. Which is pretty much what I expected and hurts like hell. I get that I'm not exactly a prime romantic catch but I'm still in the prime of my 30s looks-wise and loaded for bear. Penile bear. If you get my drift. Which I think I've made very clear.)

I want to believe in hope. But years of suffering, countless failed treatments and silence from doctors has taught me that sometimes, it just doesn't exist. And I'm tired of pretending that it does for the benefit of the people around me. This'll be my last post in this thread. There's nothing left to say. Thank you to everyone who has supported me over the last several years. I hope that I was able to make a difference in your lives as you did in mine.

JB...
I hope this isn't actually your last post in this thread...
I don't really know what to say since right now I'm really struggling as well. It's tough to come up with something encouraging in this state of mind. But regardless, you deserve great things, JB. Just know that I'm wishing you all the best and praying for you too for what it's worth.

And thanks also for the encouragement. It means a lot coming from you.

 

[Kipp]

I have little in terms of encouragement, however i would love to be in your shoes.

Also, maybe im wrong, but it doesnt sound like you are afraid to leave home, but more like you are afraid to leave on your own, and everyone you know behind.

Yeah, that's basically the case. It's not really leaving "home" the physical place so much as leaving home in a sense of leaving everything and everyone I'm familiar and comfortable with. I mean, to be fair, even when I go on vacation with my family I miss my physical house and my routine and my friends. I guess it's just familiarity and comfortability mean so much to me. It's not that I even enjoy my current life - I am depressed after all - but I still can't bare the thought of leaving it.
It's such a contradiction and it's so confusing and frustrating.

 

[Izuna]

Accepting that it's not me but my family that's fucked up has been a strange feeling. At first it felt very wrong, then I kept on wanting to keep the blame on me, but so many repressed memories have come up.

I am homeless and staying with my brother but... the whole thing is just complete evil. There's nothing I do that's wrong. I was invited to stay here just a month ago, and being accused of bad decisions on why I can't move out. So fucked up that I was asked to give my statements. Even after sending them it was just an excuse to find something wrong. Meanwhile my partner has provided for me to match what I need, and because of his charge when I started Uni I have been behind. He literally gains nothing from making my life worse but a month before exams... I have to graduate.

I went through the full specific details with my counsellor over and over again, trying to make it clear that I don't know if I am wrong or not, but...

My family is just dysfunctional and I lost my other brother to this selfishness. I fully understand why he was so angry when he was my age. I have to move away from this bullshit.

Before when I got depressed from my partner emotionally cheating, it wasn't actually what was causing me to be depressed. I thought it was for a whole year, but it really wasn't. I don't really blame her. What hurt me was not having a home to go back to. I've never had a home, always just felt like my existence is the worse part of my family's lives. Enough is enough and... I don't know if I can still graduate or finish designing my invention, but I vow to never come back once I'm out.

Living conditions have never been the problem. I'm not putting up with this evil anymore.

Just gotta keep my head down and believe that it's possible to pull myself up.

--

I've started to sleep rough. Sleeping at McDonalds, spend the whole day at Uni, take showers there... Will feel far more at home than I ever have with my family. I hope this way I can graduate and get a job fast enough.

 

[Ledhead]

Accepting that it's not me but my family that's fucked up has been a strange feeling. At first it felt very wrong, then I kept on wanting to keep the blame on me, but so many repressed memories have come up.

I am homeless and staying with my brother but... the whole thing is just complete evil. There's nothing I do that's wrong. I was invited to stay here just a month ago, and being accused of bad decisions on why I can't move out. So fucked up that I was asked to give my statements. Even after sending them it was just an excuse to find something wrong. Meanwhile my partner has provided for me to match what I need, and because of his charge when I started Uni I have been behind. He literally gains nothing from making my life worse but a month before exams... I have to graduate.

I went through the full specific details with my counsellor over and over again, trying to make it clear that I don't know if I am wrong or not, but...

My family is just dysfunctional and I lost my other brother to this selfishness. I fully understand why he was so angry when he was my age. I have to move away from this bullshit.

Before when I got depressed from my partner emotionally cheating, it wasn't actually what was causing me to be depressed. I thought it was for a whole year, but it really wasn't. I don't really blame her. What hurt me was not having a home to go back to. I've never had a home, always just felt like my existence is the worse part of my family's lives. Enough is enough and... I don't know if I can still graduate or finish designing my invention, but I vow to never come back once I'm out.

Living conditions have never been the problem. I'm not putting up with this evil anymore.

Just gotta keep my head down and believe that it's possible to pull myself up.

--

I've started to sleep rough. Sleeping at McDonalds, spend the whole day at Uni, take showers there... Will feel far more at home than I ever have with my family. I hope this way I can graduate and get a job fast enough.

It sounds like you have begun getting at the root of your issues. Gaining perspective and knowledge about what ails us is critical to addressing our problems and moving forwards. I'm sorry that you are currently in a tough situation, but you should take pride in not giving up. I hope things improve for you soon

 

[Bagels]

Yeah, that's basically the case. It's not really leaving "home" the physical place so much as leaving home in a sense of leaving everything and everyone I'm familiar and comfortable with. I mean, to be fair, even when I go on vacation with my family I miss my physical house and my routine and my friends. I guess it's just familiarity and comfortability mean so much to me. It's not that I even enjoy my current life - I am depressed after all - but I still can't bare the thought of leaving it.
It's such a contradiction and it's so confusing and frustrating.

You're a great guy, Kipp. I know it's scary making such a big change, going to a new place to live. I had a rough time living alone in New Haven for a year after college. It took me many more years to realize how much I need to surround myself with people to stay happy and healthy.

PM me and I'm happy to share my phone #, skype, facebook, whatever. I know we don't know each other super well, but hey! You love the Mountain Goats, so we should probably be best friends.

It's entirely up to you what you need, what you are comfortable with, all of that. Sometimes it really helps just to have that one person to reach out to to talk about whatever, and to to encourage you to get out there and meet new people and do new things! I should be up in Maine around the 4th of July, which is not very far at all from New Hampshire!

I'm making my own move, back to the city I grew up in. The thing is, I have a life here now, and friends, and I'll be away from my wife and kids for most of any given week. It's a good time for both of us to make new friends, yeah?

 

[jb1234]

JB...
I hope this isn't actually your last post in this thread...
I don't really know what to say since right now I'm really struggling as well. It's tough to come up with something encouraging in this state of mind. But regardless, you deserve great things, JB. Just know that I'm wishing you all the best and praying for you too for what it's worth.

And thanks also for the encouragement. It means a lot coming from you.

I guess I should have clarified and said it's my last post about me. Unless I make a miraculous recovery, which is extremely unlikely. I just don't see the point in writing the same thing over and over again when I know the path I'm heading down. Today was borderline unbearable on a pain level, no matter how many Vicodin I chugged down and I know I don't have many of those left in me.

But I definitely want to be here for other people in this thread, for as long as I'm capable. Yourself included because I think you're rad.

 

[Izuna]

It sounds like you have begun getting at the root of your issues. Gaining perspective and knowledge about what ails us is critical to addressing our problems and moving forwards. I'm sorry that you are currently in a tough situation, but you should take pride in not giving up. I hope things improve for you soon

Honestly, I feel far more comfortable already but... This is no place to sleep haha. I have a freaking JOB INTERVIEW tomorrow at a Japanese restaurant that is a step up to the best place I have worked. I see myself working there Full Time even after Uni until I get my invention of the ground.

I am so afraid of the patenting process but I'm going to put through a PPA and hope I work on the invention enough to get enough investment to be able to file an RPA (or maybe I could save if I like this job).

I left today and I didn't get a single message or word about where I was going. I'm not going back and I've prepared how I can wash, change clothes etc. I'll do this for as long as necessary until I can get my own place. I can study better like this, without the hate.

Really, I wouldn't have passed my first two years without the support of my partner. But this way I can do it without her support.

I'm only worried that some asshat will steal something while I sleep.

 

[Kipp]

You're a great guy, Kipp. I know it's scary making such a big change, going to a new place to live. I had a rough time living alone in New Haven for a year after college. It took me many more years to realize how much I need to surround myself with people to stay happy and healthy.

PM me and I'm happy to share my phone #, skype, facebook, whatever. I know we don't know each other super well, but hey! You love the Mountain Goats, so we should probably be best friends.

It's entirely up to you what you need, what you are comfortable with, all of that. Sometimes it really helps just to have that one person to reach out to to talk about whatever, and to to encourage you to get out there and meet new people and do new things! I should be up in Maine around the 4th of July, which is not very far at all from New Hampshire!

I'm making my own move, back to the city I grew up in. The thing is, I have a life here now, and friends, and I'll be away from my wife and kids for most of any given week. It's a good time for both of us to make new friends, yeah?

Thanks, Bagels. That is really encouraging.

Luckily I've never had much of an issue with social settings, but I do definitely have a problem with doing new things and meeting new people once I've already established my routine, and that's probably one of the reasons I find myself in a sort of rut.
I'm certainly planning on making a huge effort to establish a community as fast as possible in the area, since people are most definitely the only things that make me genuinely happy (or close enough to it). In fact, one of the main reasons I'm moving is because I've always had this hope that when I move to a smaller town I'll have an easier time establishing a more solid, connected community. Whether or not that's true, time will only tell, but yeah, it's definitely my primary goal.

I would absolutely love to hang out if you're ever in the area (or if you're within feasible driving distance). We'll make it happen.

I wish you all the best with your move too. We got this.

I guess I should have clarified and said it's my last post about me. Unless I make a miraculous recovery, which is extremely unlikely. I just don't see the point in writing the same thing over and over again when I know the path I'm heading down. Today was borderline unbearable on a pain level, no matter how many Vicodin I chugged down and I know I don't have many of those left in me.

But I definitely want to be here for other people in this thread, for as long as I'm capable. Yourself included because I think you're rad.

Ah, gotcha. Well, hey, if you don't want to share about yourself that's perfectly fine. Don't think just because your situation is staying the same that you can't talk about it though. I mean, for all intents and purposes, my depression is staying the same. I realize that's not a 100% accurate comparison, but you get the idea. Basically, regardless of whether or not things are changing, talking about it can be nice. So as long as talking about it helps, please do talk about it. If it doesn't, then obviously don't feel like you have to talk about yourself.

And thanks, JB. You're the man. I love hearing from you.

 

[Wilsongt]

I finally let my wall down for someone and am ready to let someone in and then it all goes to hell. Why do I even fucking bother? It's like fate wants me to be a failure and to be alone.

 

[SugarDave]

It's been quite a while since I last posted in this thread. Honestly, I don't know what I'm expecting to achieve by posting in here now, just to vent I suppose.

The last 8 months or so I've been in a state of complete stagnation. I incorrectly assumed I've been fine all this time simply because I wouldn't say I felt bad on a day to day basis. Then it hit me last night that I'm seriously just done with everything and would like nothing more than to not be alive. I'm completely aimless and lacking the discipline to tackle the hard work required to enjoy life, even thinking about what I want is a chore. It feels like when you ponder too long and hard about death, you can't truly imagine what not existing is so you hit a mental roadblock, those same barriers are appearing when thinking about the most trivial of things.

I've noticed a slow change in my personality. I feel like a lot of the bitterness I've carried around for a long time is no longer being suppressed and I catch myself openly expressing contempt for so many things. I'm always aggressively ranting about something to my mother and I'm starting to think she doesn't particularly like me as a person any more, but she's one of the only people I talk to in person these days due to my self-imposed isolation so it's always her that ends up receiving the brunt of this anger (not directed at her, just to clarify). About a month ago, we were watching some talk show and when I became annoyed at the host treating somebody who called in poorly, my mother actually commented how she's relieved I still had compassion because "sometimes I wonder about you". I'm even noticing with my friends, who I pretty much only interact with through Facebook, that just about every message I send is negative. It's at the point where some of them have stopped responding and much like with my mother, I return and do the same thing yet again because I have few contacts and there's not many other places for me to say these things.

I receive snipey comments more often now and while I know the intent of a lot of it isn't malicious and I can take most of it on the chin, I don't think the people saying it realise some of it does seep in down below. This was originally going to be a very short post so I guess I've needed to get a lot of it out, now that I'm off though I'm forgetting so much I wanted to put down. I just have no strong convictions about anything in life and I feel like I've been gradually chipped away over the last year until today's realisation that I'm living as a husk. I went out with some old work friends last week and what started out as a decent night descended into the most miserable thing I've experienced in a long time. People would ask me about what I've been up to and I could not form any answers, after that they'd suggest things to do and I could not form any answers, just "Well, I don't know". All I could think was how can I be enthusiastic about any of these possibilities when dying is at the top of my wishlist?

I don't expect any of you to be able to provide miraculous answers. Hell, I know myself that all it takes to get the ball rolling is to get up and do something, anything other than wallow in pathetic self-pity. I've done it for so long that it's become it's own weird comfort though. Even when optimism rears its head and I'm able to imagine a future that I might enjoy on some level, I feel like having spent the majority of my early life so desperately miserable, sad and angry will leave a mark that you can't ever really get over.

I know I jumped all over the place there, I needed to type all that out though. For what purpose, who knows but it's done now. I hope everyone here with their own problems is holding up well.

 

[User 479360]

Thanks for the reply, Piano. I'm trying to take things one step at a time, but it's brutally difficult.

I'm having a hard time bringing myself to go to the hospital, because I'm scared. I was always there before.

 

[jb1234]

I would absolutely love to hang out if you're ever in the area (or if you're within feasible driving distance). We'll make it happen.

Don't let him drive. He speeds.

(Seriously though, Bagels is definitely a contact you want to have.)

 

[Ledhead]

Honestly, I feel far more comfortable already but... This is no place to sleep haha. I have a freaking JOB INTERVIEW tomorrow at a Japanese restaurant that is a step up to the best place I have worked. I see myself working there Full Time even after Uni until I get my invention of the ground.

I am so afraid of the patenting process but I'm going to put through a PPA and hope I work on the invention enough to get enough investment to be able to file an RPA (or maybe I could save if I like this job).

I left today and I didn't get a single message or word about where I was going. I'm not going back and I've prepared how I can wash, change clothes etc. I'll do this for as long as necessary until I can get my own place. I can study better like this, without the hate.

Really, I wouldn't have passed my first two years without the support of my partner. But this way I can do it without her support.

I'm only worried that some asshat will steal something while I sleep.

Is there a temporary shelter or something you could stay at? I'm admittedly not very knowledgeable about available resources for someone in your situation. That said, you're thinking ahead towards the future and that is always a good sign. Stay safe, and best of luck on the job interview!

 

[Izuna]

Is there a temporary shelter or something you could stay at? I honestly not all that knowledgeable about available resources for someone in your situation. That said, you're thinking ahead towards the future and that is always a good sign. Stay safe!

Nope.

My partner's Mom is sending encouraging emails that I never got from my own, and it's enough. My current fears are what happen if McDonalds kicks me out, but homeless sleep here each night anyway. McRefugees they are called.

Oh, and what happens if I pass the interview (later today) and I have back to back shifts. It will last a month max if I find a room for rent that doesn't cost more per cubic metre than human blood a week.

But I don't want to take the wheel of this thread too much, so I'll update more conservatively.

 

[TheSuperSakura]

.

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

complete stagnation.

I'm experiencing something akin to this right now. The "husk" feeling, the hostile attitude, the tentative 'comfort' of self-victimization. I feel like we need some sense of radical change but we are fearful of it backfiring on us and making our situation worse. I've actually had breakdowns over the thought that this is "me" now and forever. The dread of permanence of my situation hangs heavy because I was so used to the catastrophic, all-or-nothing thinking and think any sense of optimism is inherently false and untrustworthy. I think we all deep down want to be good people and for me at least, I hate myself when I get snippy and irritated. It's even gotten to a point where being rightfully angry makes me question myself. The only advice I can glean from personal experience is to practice patience with people and to steadily not give into your "base pessimism" when faced with issues/challenges.

 

[Jacob]

Is that so? Well that's nice. But personally, I'd never do that. I feel like I'd waste their time which they could use to help someone with bigger issues. I feel similar about posting in here, by the way.

That was my attitude but when I finally did call (because things had gotten that bad), they told me that they wanted people to call before they were on the brink, cause part of their mission is trying to prevent things from getting that bad in the first place. So they would not consider it a waste of their time.

 

[Wilsongt]

I picked up a knife a few minutes ago and put it firmly against my skin... I didn't do anything, though.

 

[Kipp]

Random and insignificant, but since I'm posting might as well mention it.
Just had one of my best friends over for the first time (not really sure why she hadn't been over before, but whatever) and had such an amazing time. She met my parents and we all hung out and it was awesome.
Drank a bit and laughed a lot. She might even be able to come over again before I leave in a few days. Too much fun.

Don't let him drive. He speeds.

(Seriously though, Bagels is definitely a contact you want to have.)

Hahaha. Thanks for the advice on both counts

But I don't want to take the wheel of this thread too much, so I'll update more conservatively.

Post as much as you'd like. Don't even worry about it.

 

[Izuna]

I think... I gotta call the shelters. Like, it's nice to be away from what makes me depressed, but I don't think I can sleep there. I mean, my job interviews tend to go really well (only missed like 2/8) so... I'm confident. If I could find a place to stay for a month or two...

A graduate job (even if I get a 2:2) would pay twice the salary of the job I'm applying for, but it feels right not to go into a graduate job. I don't want to feel stuck. Is that just me being an idiot?

 

[Bagels]

Don't let him drive. He speeds.

(Seriously though, Bagels is definitely a contact you want to have.)

I am a great driver.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

 

[Kipp]

So... Just for fun I threw my resume up on Craigslist in the area I currently live. I just had an hour long chat with a guy who wants to hire me for his headhunting business.
I'm gonna think about it today and tomorrow and get advice from my parents and whatnot, but yeah. That could happen...

Edit: The more I think about it, the more I'm feeling like I'm gonna do this. Here are my reasons:
- Now that I actually have an opportunity to move far away from home, I've realized that I don't think I actually want to move away from my family.
- Retail has never been my passion, it's just something that I've done for a while and don't mind at all and so I've rolled with it. This "executive search" (headhunting) business on the other hand seems like something that I could possibly enjoy enough to make a career of. Or at least something that could lead to something else I enjoy more than retail. It seems more intellectually stimulating and like something that would be a little more fulfilling in terms of taking advantage of the potential I have. It really does seem like something new and interesting that I could end up really enjoying.
- It seems pretty lucrative. I'm skeptical about the $70k-$100k that the guy was telling me I could reasonably expect to make (it's mostly commission based pay), but even if I made half that I'd be completely pleased. And I don't really have any logical reason to be skeptical. The guy went into great detail about everything and it all added up.
- Worst case scenario, the job doesn't work out and I have all of my savings and moving back in with my parents to fall back on. Best case scenario, I strike it rich doing something I enjoy. Those aren't too bad of odds.

Am I crazy here, guys? Am I just fishing for any opportunity to not move away and doing it for all the wrong reasons? Or does this actually make sense?
Right now it sounds really great to me, however, I'm really worried that I'd be making the decision just because it's the easy thing to do rather than it being the right thing to do. But then on the other hand, being the hard choice doesn't by default make it the right choice (if that makes sense).
My parents are totally on board with the idea. Mostly due to the fact that they really don't want me to move so far away, but also because they think it could be a good fit for me.

Anyways, I'd love some thoughts from an outside perspective here.

 

[tearsofash]

vent:

I recently started taking less than my dose of Latuda because it was giving me leg tremors and uncontrollable shaking to where I couldn't sleep. It still bothers me some, but now the effects of taking a lesser dose is affecting my mental health. I'm getting delusional again and my depression symptoms are being ugly. I'm not taking care of myself and I have lots of bad thoughts. My ability to concentrate is what's most troubling, since it inhibits my ability to play video games and hold conversations. I see my doctor in a few days so hopefully they can give me something for the tremors.

 

[maxcriden]

I'm on Effextor for migraines, 37.5 mg pills. Down to one pill, still with some withdrawal SEs but trying to get below a pill. These are capsules so I opened a pill today to try to take less than one. Is that bad for any reason? I ended up taking half the open capsule with a bunch of tiny round pills in it, a bunch of little pills also spilled out so I tossed them out. Is there a better way to do this; is it inadvisable to do it this way for any reason? I'd like to take 1/2 a capsule in order to taper more slowly.

 

[Teriyaki Blues]

I'm on Effextor for migraines, 37.5 mg pills. Down to one pill, still with some withdrawal SEs but trying to get below a pill. These are capsules so I opened a pill today to try to take less than one. Is that bad for any reason? I ended up taking half the open capsule with a bunch of tiny round pills in it, a bunch of little pills also spilled out so I tossed them out. Is there a better way to do this; is it inadvisable to do it this way for any reason? I'd like to take 1/2 a capsule in order to taper more slowly.

Do you still have the information that came with your pills? Generally it is not a good idea to split pills that extended release of medication, but the literature, your pharmacist, or your doctor could clear this up for you in a hurry.

 

[Blues1990]

Yeah, that's basically the case. It's not really leaving "home" the physical place so much as leaving home in a sense of leaving everything and everyone I'm familiar and comfortable with. I mean, to be fair, even when I go on vacation with my family I miss my physical house and my routine and my friends. I guess it's just familiarity and comfortability mean so much to me. It's not that I even enjoy my current life - I am depressed after all - but I still can't bare the thought of leaving it.
It's such a contradiction and it's so confusing and frustrating.

I personally find that moving to new places and experiencing the unknown to be much of a stress relief, as you can start fresh and make your mark. I had the same issues that you have, but after leaving my comfort zone and going out, it had given me much more confidence to take the chance.

As the old saying goes, "You never know unless you try."

 

[maxcriden]

Do you still have the information that came with your pills? Generally it is not a good idea to split pills that extended release of medication, but the literature, your pharmacist, or your doctor could clear this up for you in a hurry.

Ah, shit. Is it going to do some harm to do so? I'll call my pharmacist. :/ It is an Extended Release pill. Thank you!

 

[Mr. F]

Currently house hunting and it's been a really hard time - everything promising gets immediately swooped up, and everything left is not affordable in the long run. It's been an exhausting and demoralizing experience.

Been dealing lately with increasingly severe bouts of anxiety, which has made it really difficult to go through this process. I'm currently waiting to hear back about a place I really liked, and was informed that it has come down to me and one other tenant - and this was a couple of days ago. The anxiety has been almost crippling, I wish it was just over and done with.

Anyone have any advice to mitigate or manage anxiety during prolonged 'wait and see' situations?

 

[Megalosaro]

I'm feeling super stressed out.

At work they want to meto take on more duties for some complex stuff... which isn't too bad except that is pretty complicated. Lots of bureaucratic hoops.

Then I'm working on a group project for a certification. I had a terrifying realization when yesterday when it turns out I'm the de facto leader, which sticks because I don't know what I'm doing and the project is sort of ridiculous.

While doing all of this, I'm also studyin for the gre and peeping a grad school application. That's a nightmare in off itself.

And I feel so alone. My best friend/roommate is barely taking to me because of childish drama on his part

 

[Kipp]

I personally find that moving to new places and experiencing the unknown to be much of a stress relief, as you can start fresh and make your mark. I had the same issues that you have, but after leaving my comfort zone and going out, it had given me much more confidence to take the chance.

As the old saying goes, "You never know unless you try."

Yeah, for sure. There are contradictions all over the place in my thoughts, because it's not even like I've ever loved my life here, so it's funny that I'm so protective of it. But yeah, that's definitely what I've been telling myself, that I at least need to give it a shot and see how it goes.

 

[Oxn]

Yeah, for sure. There are contradictions all over the place in my thoughts, because it's not even like I've ever loved my life here, so it's funny that I'm so protective of it. But yeah, that's definitely what I've been telling myself, that I at least need to give it a shot and see how it goes.

Let us know how everything goes once you finish the move. Im betting when that day comes you will laugh and think to yourself, wtf was I worrying about?

 

[Piano]

So... Just for fun I threw my resume up on Craigslist in the area I currently live. I just had an hour long chat with a guy who wants to hire me for his headhunting business.
I'm gonna think about it today and tomorrow and get advice from my parents and whatnot, but yeah. That could happen...

Edit: The more I think about it, the more I'm feeling like I'm gonna do this. Here are my reasons:
- Now that I actually have an opportunity to move far away from home, I've realized that I don't think I actually want to move away from my family.
- Retail has never been my passion, it's just something that I've done for a while and don't mind at all and so I've rolled with it. This "executive search" (headhunting) business on the other hand seems like something that I could possibly enjoy enough to make a career of. Or at least something that could lead to something else I enjoy more than retail. It seems more intellectually stimulating and like something that would be a little more fulfilling in terms of taking advantage of the potential I have. It really does seem like something new and interesting that I could end up really enjoying.
- It seems pretty lucrative. I'm skeptical about the $70k-$100k that the guy was telling me I could reasonably expect to make (it's mostly commission based pay), but even if I made half that I'd be completely pleased. And I don't really have any logical reason to be skeptical. The guy went into great detail about everything and it all added up.
- Worst case scenario, the job doesn't work out and I have all of my savings and moving back in with my parents to fall back on. Best case scenario, I strike it rich doing something I enjoy. Those aren't too bad of odds.

Am I crazy here, guys? Am I just fishing for any opportunity to not move away and doing it for all the wrong reasons? Or does this actually make sense?
Right now it sounds really great to me, however, I'm really worried that I'd be making the decision just because it's the easy thing to do rather than it being the right thing to do. But then on the other hand, being the hard choice doesn't by default make it the right choice (if that makes sense).
My parents are totally on board with the idea. Mostly due to the fact that they really don't want me to move so far away, but also because they think it could be a good fit for me.

Anyways, I'd love some thoughts from an outside perspective here.

Two years ago I agonized over deciding where to go back to school - either in my home town or out of state in a much cooler town where I had more friends.

I went back and forth and back and forth and tortured myself about it. I even pulled an all nighter the night before the paperwork was due just to think about it as much as possible. I was obsessed with the idea that I didn't want to screw the decision up.

It can help to think of it in terms of what you want to do vs. what you should do. For me, this made everything much clearer.

I also used the decision making website Something Pop to explore the factors of the decision.

In the end, it's worth keeping in mind that it's often not about making the right decision but rather making the decision right.

<3

 

[Oxn]

I feel like alcohol is the only way for me to stay sane.

Im not an alcoholic but i find myself drinking during work atleast twice a week now from the stress to carry on.

 

[jb1234]

Two years ago I agonized over deciding where to go back to school - either in my home town or out of state in a much cooler town where I had more friends.

I went back and forth and back and forth and tortured myself about it. I even pulled an all nighter the night before the paperwork was due just to think about it as much as possible. I was obsessed with the idea that I didn't want to screw the decision up.

It can help to think of it in terms of what you want to do vs. what you should do. For me, this made everything much clearer.

I also used the decision making website Something Pop to explore the factors of the decision.

In the end, it's worth keeping in mind that it's often not about making the right decision but rather making the decision right.

<3

I already know the resolution to this but it seems cruel to leave it out for the people who don't. It's a really compelling story!

 

[Izuna]

Good news (for now?)

So I got that job. Fucking A. It's so fancy and also a small business, it's like the perfect combination of the prior workplaces. I am also moving to my own place soon.

My counsellor helped me with so much. Today I feel a rush of normal passion. I just hope it lasts.

And in the end, I want to tell my family I love them. I can't even remember hating them. Depression is really something that messes with you left and right.

Thankfully, I was upbeat before any of the good news today, so it's all like a cherry on top.

 

[TheAutomator]

You don't mind sharing some tips on how you beat it, do you?

Sorry for the late reply but sure I don't mind. Please note that this is just what worked with me and might not work with everyone.

Basically I set out to find out exactly why I was so depressed. I found the reason and I challenged it, and it turned out that my notions were not so accurate and came out feeling much better.

Now I know some people don't exactly know why they are depressed - I initially was too - but if you set out to find out why, discover it and challenge this notion I reckon you will feel better.

Another thing I noticed while I was depressed is that I tend to feel much better when I'm constantly moving and working and keeping myself busy so that should help too.

I hope this helps. Take care.

 

[ant_]

What's the best way to start looking for a therapist and how much will it generally cost? I have health insurance.

 

[Blues1990]

Good news (for now?)

So I got that job. Fucking A. It's so fancy and also a small business, it's like the perfect combination of the prior workplaces. I am also moving to my own place soon.

My counsellor helped me with so much. Today I feel a rush of normal passion. I just hope it lasts.

And in the end, I want to tell my family I love them. I can't even remember hating them. Depression is really something that messes with you left and right.

Thankfully, I was upbeat before any of the good news today, so it's all like a cherry on top.

I'm happy to hear that you are doing everything you can to get yourself back on-track, and I can agree with you about how much depression can mess with your senses. It's such a relief, especially when depression can weigh you down like a heard of elephants.

I have heard from my former boss, who runs Slap Happy Cartoons, will be calling me in June for another Storyboard & Character Design gig. I'm looking forward to it, especially as I can cut down my nightshift hours and balance the two out.

 

[SuperOrez]

I'm pretty sure my wife is depressed. It seems like all the signs are there. She refuses to see anyone about it. Doesn't trust shrinks. It sucks cause I've done everything I can think of to help her but ultimately she has make the decision to feel better. This shut sucks.

 

[Baleoce]

I've always been an up and down kind of person. But lately it's getting harder to manage. I feel anxiety regularly, and get irrational thoughts. Sometimes I'll be walking down the street and I just feel heavy with a sense of dread. My arm occasionally tingles as well, which is weird.

 

[demented]

Posted before but coming back with some new realizations and more indepth thinking.


Currently lifting is my main thing, only thing I can focus on and keep going at. Problem is I'm caught in this endless cycle of feeling shit and I'm not sure if I'm feeling shit because of the stuff I don't do, or I don't do those things because I feel shit.

I have anxiety, my mind is basically chaos. Thoughts out of control, train going off rails, that sort of thing. I can focus sometimes but most of the times I have to spend all of mine focus just trying to organize my thoughts, my life, list things to do etc. And I end up wanting things, to do things, and I obsess over that and I think I'm feeling shit because of that. I make excuses why I'm not doing anything about it but half the time it's my own fault. I started taking xanax(was prescribed long time ago but never took it), so far it's just making me sleepy but I did get some clarity on this issue so could be related or just me seeking help and delving deeper into this. I avoid things I love and want to do just because I don't have or want one other thing and I don't or can't have it and I don't do anything to get it. Half the time I do get it and I still end up feeling shit because that wasn't it, shit as in depressed because that's the result of it.

Let's give an example. My social life ever since moving to different city (bigger, better) has been terrible. I've had some friends, but it's far from what I've hoped, which was to make ton of friends (yeah gl with that, spent all my teenage years as wow nerd shutin, now spent years rebuilding social skills), go out a lot, have fun with girls etc.

I've recently reconnected to old friend and started doing 1 thing I missed and wanted all this time but it's funny how now even when doing that I feel like something's missing, it's bad, and I'm just onto next thing. Another thing is going out, could never do it properly due to social circle, friends not being into it or something, could NEVER do it alone and one of the reasons I moved here because it's a party city, a lot of girls, a lot more "friendlier" than back home and I'm really into that genuinely. Not easy girls haha but partying, socializing etc when I'm not self sabotaging.

I've had some of that for past 2 years and as you can guess majority of time it ended up not being what I expected because I guess I put myself in shit mood and even when I have it I do not do anything about it. I don't know if I'm making any sense but it seems like I'm on the verge of either breaking this cycle or I'm still looking for that one missing puzzle that will fix my brain, which is unlikely.

I doubt I have anxiety because of my "wishes" and things I want, it probably does negatively affect those and makes them into what they are today and is the end result which is me feeling depressed and fucked up. After xanax I'm hopefully gonna get medical issue sorted (insurance) and get on some SSNRI/SSRI because my brain going at it like this is just a ticking time bomb. I won't go into criminal acts I may have or wanted to commit, or suicidal thoughts, anger issues etc, but it does affect much more. I don't even want to be happy, I mean let's not go in what's happiness from either philosophical or biological standpoint and of course everyone wants to be happy, but I just want to be content, my mind not to be broken and in constant state of chaos, that would be a start and with it I can feel rest can fall in place.

Am I making any sense, can anyone relate or give some advise?
Sorry for the long post.

 

[Team Alucard]

Im falling apart this semester. Grades have gone to shit and my GPA is going to get killed. Whats sad is that this was mostly a set of GE classes that were supposed to be easy As.

I just have no motivation anymore. I will never be happy and i have no reason to continue living besides to satisfy other people.

 

[BattleMedic]

Hey guys, I made a drive by post around six months ago while I was waiting for councilling. Kind of like a diary entry but I didn't have the nerve to open the thread and keep talking about it. I thought I'd give you guys an update.

At the time I was fucked, the daily routine of going to uni had ended and I was stranded. I've been anxious all my life but now I had nothing to distract myself with. Barely able to leave the house I was out of work, my girlfriend had left me cause she couldn't deal with me. I felt pathetic and I'd comfort myself with thoughts of ending it if it got any worse.

Anyway I'm coming to the end of the CBT course and I'm doing much better. The therapist says it's a panic disorder and it's something that's worked it's way back into my life due to inactivity, falling into a trap of staying in my safe place. Through gradual exposure I'm able to go new places now! I've been taking train rides to see parts of the country I'd never thought I'd see and I'm ready to get back into work. My attitude had changed, I feel happy and I walk with my head up.

If I could talk to myself back then I'd tell myself it's not your fault, that I shouldn't blame myself for what I can or can't do and that there are good people out there who will take the weight of responsibility off your shoulders and help you.

Keep going guys, my life isn't perfect but I'm pretty damn happy about it now and that's all that matters.

 

[Kipp]

So instead of leaving yesterday, last minute my mom and I decided to go up and stay in Idyllwild (a nearby mountain town) for a couple days before I left. Most of the reason that appealed to me (besides the fact that I love the town) is because I got to delay leaving a little bit more. I still find it impossible to get myself to leave or even thinking about leaving. It's like I'm paralyzed.
I finally spilled my guts and cried a lot to my mom just a couple hours ago about how I've been feeling about this. She gave me a lot of really good encouragement. It still didn't help a whole ton. I'm still super torn on whether or not I actually want to go and how much of my decision making is influenced by fear of leaving my comfort zone.
It's just so frustrating all around... I'm sure once I get there I'll be glad I went, but right now it's just the most miserable decision I've ever made.
The silver lining is I have become much closer with my parents - my mom in particular - through all of this.

But yeah, any more encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I just feel so weak and incapable of doing this at the moment.

Let us know how everything goes once you finish the move. Im betting when that day comes you will laugh and think to yourself, wtf was I worrying about?

Thanks for the encouragement. You're very likely right about that.

Two years ago I agonized over deciding where to go back to school - either in my home town or out of state in a much cooler town where I had more friends.

I went back and forth and back and forth and tortured myself about it. I even pulled an all nighter the night before the paperwork was due just to think about it as much as possible. I was obsessed with the idea that I didn't want to screw the decision up.

It can help to think of it in terms of what you want to do vs. what you should do. For me, this made everything much clearer.

I also used the decision making website Something Pop to explore the factors of the decision.

In the end, it's worth keeping in mind that it's often not about making the right decision but rather making the decision right.

<3

Thanks Piano, I appreciate the advice. Especially that last sentence really helps.

Edit: That's a really neat website, by the way. In this case, I feel like it didn't help me a whole lot since there are so many variables involved, and I know you can add your own variables, but most of the variables are kind of hard for me to pin down right now.