Thanks, it makes a lot of sense, I know I am very insecure.
One thing that I don't really understand though... if you're not feeling attached to someone, how do you find the interest to date them? I mean I don't really feel the need to date a random person, it's kind of a repulsive thought to me.
Great question, man!
At it's core, the dating process revolves around two all-important things -- discovery and potential. Now, here's why I'm saying that out of the gate.
When you first match with someone online, the only materials you have to work with are a couple of hand-picked pictures, a bio, and depending on the service you're using, some sort of questionnaire section that gives you a little more insight into the specifics of the woman. Chances are, you're obviously physically attracted to the girl, found a few common denominators in her bio, and picked up on a few things in your text exchanges that furthered your
interest.
The reason why I italicized the word 'interest' earlier is because it's important to remember that at a fundamental level, what you're feeling is an interest in finding out more about her. You are not supposed to know whether the two of you are a good fit for each other yet, but you
have seen and heard enough to have developed a willingness to find out. No more, and no less. That's when the first date happens.
From there, it's all about the elements of discovery and potential. You've made the choice to spend your valuable time with this person to discover more about who she is, how she engages with you, and if there's a possible naturally mutual connection that can form between you.
It's at
this stage of dating where your initial issue of overthinking and insecurities ensued. You had a fine time with a woman, got the impression that she had a good time as well, and might have an opportunity to get together again if she's interested in getting more face-time with you. But, that insecure side of you yelled over your logical side, which triggered the detective work you were doing. Because you couldn't quite make heads or tails, you ran your mind into the ground trying to piece things together because you already decided you really wanted her. Snip all of that stuff out, cool your feel-jets, and dial yourself back to place of passive, but purposeful curiosity again.
If you keep that up, you'll start looking at her with the intent of seeing potential. What kind of potential? That potential usually starts off simple, with you seeing enough potential in her (based on your criteria, which I'll touch on in a moment) to be open to another date. Then, later on down the line, that potential might even shift into something deeper. That's when you start looking at her through the lens of 'relationship material' by way of the feelings you've each developed throughout the course of the dating process. How will you know if she has feelings for you? Don't worry. She'll tell you and show you.
That said, what I get the sense is happening with you is two-fold. You seem to have developed a misgiving about what being interested in a woman should mean during the dating process -- especially in the early goings. And secondly, you are far too focused whether you're on the cusp of being approved or rejected, when you should really be focused on letting your curiosity and subsequent discoveries determine whether those women are a good fit for
you.
Let me let you in on a little secret. You're in control. You have the power to choose a woman that meets or exceeds your expectations. You can be selective. You can have criteria. You can let them get closer to you if they fit your tastes, or you can even break ties with them if they don't suit you quite right. You don't need to let yourself get strung along by anyone that isn't showing the same level of curiosity that you're showing them. You don't need to shrug off the fact that a girl can't remember your name, either. And best of all, you can live by those terms without having to adopt an arrogant or self-centered persona. You can still be yourself!
So, stop dwelling on whether you're what
they want and if
they like you, and start being an centered, modest, and upbeat advocate for yourself. You'll be surprised at the results, even if the results take time.
You don't have to arrive at a conclusion about someone after a few dates and a few text exchanges, only to play the waiting game until the girl feels the same way. Don't rush your way through it because you're lonely, and don't overanalyze because the answers aren't spelled out for you right away. Take your time, feel things out, have fun with it, and let the answers you seek regarding her interest come to you naturally. Remain curious to learn more about her to see if she meets your criteria, but only if
you want to. Remember, this isn't just about her. It's your life, too.
Let me know if there's anything else I can help you with, my friend.
