Following this up by saying it never happened. I'm going to try again tomorrow morning when I go out to apply for some government assistance. Hopefully I can get some kind of help there to tide me over until I can get a job again. Anxiety is a son of a bitch.
Mental Health |OT2| - Light in the Darkness
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
- Status
Following this up by saying it never happened. I'm going to try again tomorrow morning when I go out to apply for some government assistance. Hopefully I can get some kind of help there to tide me over until I can get a job again. Anxiety is a son of a bitch.
It's been a long time since I've posted, but I just wanted to say that I've been doing really well lately. My new job is absolutely fantastic and incredibly fulfilling and I've just been doing well in general.
Today specifically was a fantastic day off. Had two separate circumstances where I felt a strong sense of community. The first was at my apartment complex's pool where I just struck up conversations with a handful of random people and talked with them for a long time and made new friends. The second was going to a local brewery and - the same thing - struck up conversations with random people and made some new friends. Even made plans to tour some local breweries with one of those people tomorrow! So excited for that. Just an awesome day, full of a strong sense of community, which is something that I've always wanted more than almost anything else.
Today specifically was a fantastic day off. Had two separate circumstances where I felt a strong sense of community. The first was at my apartment complex's pool where I just struck up conversations with a handful of random people and talked with them for a long time and made new friends. The second was going to a local brewery and - the same thing - struck up conversations with random people and made some new friends. Even made plans to tour some local breweries with one of those people tomorrow! So excited for that. Just an awesome day, full of a strong sense of community, which is something that I've always wanted more than almost anything else.
Astral Dog
Member
I really hate that question, its not like it achieves anything, people change, plans change, people get killed, they lose their money, they move out,they have children, they find something more worthy of their time, their entire life goals change.
Life is not something you can write in a paper explaining who you will be in ten years.
Very nice to hear, Kipp. Hope things continue to get better for you.
I'm mentally wading through a valley at the moment. It's not that I can't recognise the good that life has to offer, I just don't know that I'm capable of reconciling with all of the negatives, and frankly, I think there's a lot more of them.
I'd be closer than ever to checking out if I didn't know that my mother would probably blame herself. She seems to have developed a slight self-loathing lately and I think it's my fault, certain glances she gives me and things she says... she's sad that her son is worthless.
Everything has just hit me in a large wave as I lie here in bed, first time I've cried in a little while.
I'm mentally wading through a valley at the moment. It's not that I can't recognise the good that life has to offer, I just don't know that I'm capable of reconciling with all of the negatives, and frankly, I think there's a lot more of them.
I'd be closer than ever to checking out if I didn't know that my mother would probably blame herself. She seems to have developed a slight self-loathing lately and I think it's my fault, certain glances she gives me and things she says... she's sad that her son is worthless.
Everything has just hit me in a large wave as I lie here in bed, first time I've cried in a little while.
I've been having some pretty massive sleeping problems on and off for the past few months, which I think are due to anxiety...what's strange is that I never feel this way during the day, and life is going really well overall. But the few things that are bothering me (mainly just money issues - I was in rough financial shape earlier this year, and I've spent a large portion of this year just digging myself out of the hole), tend to occupy my mind a bit too much before sleep. It used to be just waking up early, but now I'm having trouble getting to sleep in the first place. (it's 1:30 am as I write this). Which just makes things worse.
Well I'm moving to Australia either way, because of my education. SAD be damned.
I haven't. It hasn't been a major hindrance so far, although it sucks. But considering my general state I might. Getting through autumn and winter is always tough, and for the last three years it's been getting worse. But I just ended a 8 month long treatment period so I dunno what I should do.
Teriyaki Blues
Member
Look up some treatment options at least? I'd hate for you to be needlessly suffering if you could elevate your mood in Autumn & Winter with something as simple as an inexpensive UV-free sun lamp or opening your curtains. Light therapy is often used as a first line-treatment for SAD.
Megalosaro
Banned
Deactivated my facebook account. It was getting too hard.
I'm currently on vacation, an experience that has largely been unpleasant due to my health. If anything, it has sped up my decision to talk to my mom as soon as possible about my dwindling future, something that I want no part of. I'm sure people exist who are strong enough to endure a life of misery with others (lord knows who) taking care of them. I'm just not one of them.
Heckler456
Banned
So, I've been thinking about getting back into WoW, casually. I need to be a little more social, and getting out there and making new friends in the real world is a little too daunting at this point, so I thought that this would be a good temporary substitute.
The thing is though, I have quite a few friends on there who know me in real life, and who I've purposefully isolated myself from, seeing as how my life is such a bummer, and how I feel like I'm just a burden on them/don't want to deal with their judgement. Unfortunately, I'm probably going to have to deal with them once I resub, seeing as how I'd feel pretty weird in deleting them from my friends list just like that.
Anyway, the thing is, my life hasn't really improved since I stopped contacting them, and it's going to be a while yet before it actually does improve. I'm probably going to have to make up some lies, seeing as how the full honest truth is a little too much to share, but the thing is: How do I keep them at a distance without burning bridges? They might ask to get in touch in real life, but I'm genuinely not ready for that. How do I convey that without sounding like a loser/being a downer? I'd probably want to pick up contact again once my life is in a better state, but just not right now, you know. Also, how do I convey that I'd rather not have them probe into what my life is like now?
The thing is though, I have quite a few friends on there who know me in real life, and who I've purposefully isolated myself from, seeing as how my life is such a bummer, and how I feel like I'm just a burden on them/don't want to deal with their judgement. Unfortunately, I'm probably going to have to deal with them once I resub, seeing as how I'd feel pretty weird in deleting them from my friends list just like that.
Anyway, the thing is, my life hasn't really improved since I stopped contacting them, and it's going to be a while yet before it actually does improve. I'm probably going to have to make up some lies, seeing as how the full honest truth is a little too much to share, but the thing is: How do I keep them at a distance without burning bridges? They might ask to get in touch in real life, but I'm genuinely not ready for that. How do I convey that without sounding like a loser/being a downer? I'd probably want to pick up contact again once my life is in a better state, but just not right now, you know. Also, how do I convey that I'd rather not have them probe into what my life is like now?
As in the feeling that nothing is real? I try to imagine that other people have the same feeling of self that I do, and therefore, there's a good chance they're as real as I am. While it's impossible to know with certainty, my better judgement just sort of accepts that as fact.
Every now and again I start to wonder about it, but the thought of other people having their own feelings and lives, and the general unimportance of each person overall makes me realize it's not worth thinking about too much.
Sort of, but not really. It's hard to describe. I'll go a month or two and be fine but then suddenly 2-3 evenings out of the week I get a weird sort of anxiety attack where I feel like I'm in a dream (but I know I'm not even at the time) and I'm kind of disoriented with my mind racing, but my thoughts running in circles or just fragments. Usually have to get to my room, turn the lights off, and just wait a few hours til I fall asleep. Talked to my psychiatrist and he doesnt seem to know what to do, but put me on an SSRI for the time being.
half a moon
Banned
Today turned out to be a one step forward, two step back days so far.
when my depression started, i began losing interest in video games. something i was doing for an hour or two every day, i began to do less and less. sometimes not at all in a day. i began to watch more and more tv and movies to escape.
now, just over a year later, i don't play video games at all. can't muster the enthusiasm. i've now noticed that i don't want to really watch movies or tv, either. it's a weird thing. my hobbies are just vanishing! it's saving me a lot of money though, that's cool. i also figure when i retire i can play all the video games and watch all the shows i want. when i'm young i should be more... productive with my time? i dunno.
my only passions i have left are fashion and music.
i also utterly fear my own birthday, which is next week. i'm the only person i know like this, obviously. everyone is partying and shit and i'd rather people just leave me alone on that day. i hate the idea that my age is going up and i feel like i'm running out of time to do something with my life. "celebrating" my birthday is just a big fucking reminder of that fact. i already feel too old to pursue my dream career. so many regrets.
hard times
now, just over a year later, i don't play video games at all. can't muster the enthusiasm. i've now noticed that i don't want to really watch movies or tv, either. it's a weird thing. my hobbies are just vanishing! it's saving me a lot of money though, that's cool. i also figure when i retire i can play all the video games and watch all the shows i want. when i'm young i should be more... productive with my time? i dunno.
my only passions i have left are fashion and music.
i also utterly fear my own birthday, which is next week. i'm the only person i know like this, obviously. everyone is partying and shit and i'd rather people just leave me alone on that day. i hate the idea that my age is going up and i feel like i'm running out of time to do something with my life. "celebrating" my birthday is just a big fucking reminder of that fact. i already feel too old to pursue my dream career. so many regrets.
hard times
I've been struggling with work/food-related anxiety for a few months now. When it comes on, it's paralyzing (metaphorically speaking). The triggers are typical stress (work/crazy personalities) and food (particularly heavy/fatty food, caffeine, sugar, etc.).
The symptoms use to be localized around my chest (shortness of breath, sensation of heart flutter, some chest tightness, etc.) but have moved into my head lately (headaches, cluster headaches, sudden headaches, and most disturbingly, the sensation that I'll totally spin out, the feeling like you're totally going nuts from the stress - no pain, just a sensation of being stretched/craziness for seconds at the most).
I've had every test in the book - I'm fine. Brain is fine. Head is fine. Heart is fine. Health is fine.
It's all just goddamned anxiety. I can actively make all the symptoms worse just by concentrating on them and picturing worst case scenarios. It's really scary what the mind is capable of.
Lorazepam (Ativan) helps, and was prescribed to me on an as-needed basis. It really knocks out the insane worry that builds into panic attacks and these 'head' events.
It's definitely not a long term solution, though. I'm on a quest to change my life through CBT, more exercise, relaxation techniques, and a big change to my work world. All is helping so far, but I still fall prey to this shit at least once a day. Sometimes mildly, sometimes severely (requiring a Lorazepam to calm the fuck down).
I wonder if I'll make it with occasional Ativans and CBT/etc. alone, or if I just need the help of something more significant like an SSRI to handle life/work/everything. If it's a pill a day to just think/behave like I used to (or better, without worry constantly crippling my confidence and productivity), man, that's a small price to pay. I'd love to do it all naturally and without medical aid, but don't know if that's possible anymore.
Blargh.
The symptoms use to be localized around my chest (shortness of breath, sensation of heart flutter, some chest tightness, etc.) but have moved into my head lately (headaches, cluster headaches, sudden headaches, and most disturbingly, the sensation that I'll totally spin out, the feeling like you're totally going nuts from the stress - no pain, just a sensation of being stretched/craziness for seconds at the most).
I've had every test in the book - I'm fine. Brain is fine. Head is fine. Heart is fine. Health is fine.
It's all just goddamned anxiety. I can actively make all the symptoms worse just by concentrating on them and picturing worst case scenarios. It's really scary what the mind is capable of.
Lorazepam (Ativan) helps, and was prescribed to me on an as-needed basis. It really knocks out the insane worry that builds into panic attacks and these 'head' events.
It's definitely not a long term solution, though. I'm on a quest to change my life through CBT, more exercise, relaxation techniques, and a big change to my work world. All is helping so far, but I still fall prey to this shit at least once a day. Sometimes mildly, sometimes severely (requiring a Lorazepam to calm the fuck down).
I wonder if I'll make it with occasional Ativans and CBT/etc. alone, or if I just need the help of something more significant like an SSRI to handle life/work/everything. If it's a pill a day to just think/behave like I used to (or better, without worry constantly crippling my confidence and productivity), man, that's a small price to pay. I'd love to do it all naturally and without medical aid, but don't know if that's possible anymore.
Blargh.
Fuck me.
So you know how a month after I moved into my first shared apartment, the guy who had the lease decided to move to Maine for a job leaving me having to find a new place to live after just a month?
Well, my new roommate - after living with him for just over a month - just told me he had an interview for a job in Maine that pays a ton of money (AKA if he got it he'd take it).
I swear, if I have to move 3 times in 4 months, I will be furious. I'm the type of person who likes to settle down. I am not a nomad whatsoever; I am not one of those people who likes to move from state to state every year or two and can't stand staying in one place too long. More than anything else, I just want to have stability and stay living in the same place for a very long time. And it feels like my roommates are intentionally trying to thwart that plan...
I really need to speed up my goal of buying a house.
So you know how a month after I moved into my first shared apartment, the guy who had the lease decided to move to Maine for a job leaving me having to find a new place to live after just a month?
Well, my new roommate - after living with him for just over a month - just told me he had an interview for a job in Maine that pays a ton of money (AKA if he got it he'd take it).
I swear, if I have to move 3 times in 4 months, I will be furious. I'm the type of person who likes to settle down. I am not a nomad whatsoever; I am not one of those people who likes to move from state to state every year or two and can't stand staying in one place too long. More than anything else, I just want to have stability and stay living in the same place for a very long time. And it feels like my roommates are intentionally trying to thwart that plan...
I really need to speed up my goal of buying a house.
melichrous
Member
So it's 0400, and I'm just coming down off a massive anxiety attack that's been going on since 0230. Just been laid shaking and struggling to breathe, and I don't know what to do with myself. Its the worst one I've had in about a year and a half. No idea what set it off at all either.
I know I'm not gonna be getting any more sleep tonight, so I guess I'm in it for the long haul. I'm now sat with people telling me to talk it out, but there's I don't even know how to start talking about it when I don't know what the issue is.
I know I'm not gonna be getting any more sleep tonight, so I guess I'm in it for the long haul. I'm now sat with people telling me to talk it out, but there's I don't even know how to start talking about it when I don't know what the issue is.
Evil Monkey DTT
Banned
Deleted
I'm not quite sure what's wrong with me. I'm spiraling out of control. I swarmed my ex with phone calls and text, it's like a drug addiction for me, to get a reaction/response from her that gives me a sense of "high". So this turned sour and now she has a "no contact order" on me, which hasn't been served yet. She called me last night to let me know about it, I told her I'm ashamed of my actions and the whole thing has made me suicidal, she made me promise her I'd get help, which I plan to. She also told me that in 6 months she'll drop the order if I continue getting help. I just really don't want to continue on anymore, but I'll see what the counselor says tomorrow, maybe he'll wake me up from this hell
A Fish Aficionado
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me
Triggered.
grap3fruitman
Banned
Contemplating dousing myself in gasoline and setting myself on fire at the unhelpful doctors office. "Thanks for your 'help.'" Thoughts?
Teriyaki Blues
Member
As a person who has survived an attempt, it doesn't "show them" anything, they won't learn, change, or grow, and they'll lock you up for trying.
Other people aren't worth it.
Have my own suicide planned out very tired of this life. So many years and nothing to show for it. I have many rejections from guys that's for sure. Hate the gay community and the gay life. Wish I was straight like my cousins. By now I would have married a girl and had some kids. But no I'm stuck in the shitty gay life.
I just want to drown myself with medication and alcohol while listening to the lovesick soundtrack. I'll never find anyone but if have to die id rather think about a relationship I would like to have had.
I just want to drown myself with medication and alcohol while listening to the lovesick soundtrack. I'll never find anyone but if have to die id rather think about a relationship I would like to have had.
User 479360
Banned
My friend went to the hospital's crisis centre again, seeking help. She's the one I stopped from killing herself twice in the last few months. We've been talking a lot, leaning on eachother.
She told me they basically said to suck it up and sent her home.
She told me they basically said to suck it up and sent her home.
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
yeah, that "I wish I didn't have to work" one is for the real dicks. Like it's a choice. Though I have never had to endure "you have that because ...". That's just mean.
The skeptic in me does want to keep a somewhat open mind towards options that are somewhat looser supported by data or intuitive connections though. Exercise, or rather getting back into some kind of sync with the body, would be something I would bring up (very loose concept though: I would include dancing and gymnastics, whatever a person feels good about). But that's very specific to depression and possibly anxiety, since there is at least data to back that up. I personally kind of reject the idea of depression as chronic as well, though bi-polar is (or presumed to be, this might change in the future at some point).
Then again, I also believe that a lot of mental health issues (including substance abuse) are actually social (or worse: socially induced) problems, not a defining property of a person. It's not a person's essence to be depressed, or joyful, or brimming with vitality, if you know what I mean. That's not the same as rejecting current treatment paradigms (you got what you got), but I'm hoping to see more effective ones emerge with time. Or the Epicurus answer from 2.5 millennia ago: a good life is one with friends.
( see the end of Andrew Solomon's TED talk on depression: the response by non-westerners is amusing, because it's true. Who would think that individual talks without community serve anything? )
needs:
"just get over her bro"
"fuck that bitch"
"you need a new girl"
and of course
"don't be a bitch"
Pamplemousse
Member
I'm in the same boat more or less. If you need to talk you can PM me.
I was once told I'm chronically ill because I'm gay. It was God's punishment. That person didn't last long in my life.
That "first week of college" thread is reminding me how badly I handled college. I was the smart kid. I had a National Merit scholarship. I was supposed to go places. But I wasted that on a useless degree and didn't make a single friend the entire time. I'd give anything to do it over. Now I'm stuck living with my parents, lonely and miserable, and I still don't have a job more than a year after graduating, all thanks to my fucking anxiety. And if anything it seems to be getting worse. It used to be mostly related to social situations but I feel like it's becoming more generalized. I get more stressed out driving than I used to, for instance. It's really frustrating that all these years of therapy and medications don't seem to have done a damn thing.
I've thought about going back to school but I managed to escape without any debt the first time around thanks to my scholarship and I'd like to keep it that way. I'd like to study film this time, but, like English (which I have a useless BA in), the prospects aren't great in that area.
I feel lost and desperate. I just want to be happy and feel like I'm doing something with my life.
I've thought about going back to school but I managed to escape without any debt the first time around thanks to my scholarship and I'd like to keep it that way. I'd like to study film this time, but, like English (which I have a useless BA in), the prospects aren't great in that area.
I feel lost and desperate. I just want to be happy and feel like I'm doing something with my life.
So I had terrible night the other night and promised my ex and family I would call hot lines and see a counselor instead of turning to suicide. Neither have done much for me and I still have no desire to go on. At what point is it acceptable for us as adults to make the choice that we don't want to go on anymore? Every day is so damn frustrating and exhausting...
I've done everything I can to keep the obsessive thoughts out of my head and try to move on. I've picked up new hobbies, I've done volunteer work, I've seen a psychologist, I've seen a counselor, I've spent more time with friends, and whatever else I could think of. But everything rushes back full steam. The guilt, the regret, the shame I've put on myself, the anger I have towards myself, I can't let any of it go and I don't think I'll ever be able to move forward. Every morning I wake up I'm instantly hit with all the feelings again like a damn train hitting me.
I've done everything I can to keep the obsessive thoughts out of my head and try to move on. I've picked up new hobbies, I've done volunteer work, I've seen a psychologist, I've seen a counselor, I've spent more time with friends, and whatever else I could think of. But everything rushes back full steam. The guilt, the regret, the shame I've put on myself, the anger I have towards myself, I can't let any of it go and I don't think I'll ever be able to move forward. Every morning I wake up I'm instantly hit with all the feelings again like a damn train hitting me.
Going to try and get on disability because everyone I know keeps harassing me about getting it and I'm on the edge of being out of money ($600 to my name). Feels terrible because I was raised to believe that people who are on welfare are below me and that they haven't earned the money they're getting, and while I certainly understand now that's a disgusting way of looking at it, and these services are in place to help people such as myself who are in difficult situations, I still can't shake the feeling that I've been reduced to something less.
On the flip side, my anxiety is definitely preventing me from getting a job, as I've mentioned a few times in this thread that I was going to go out and apply, and that still hasn't happened. This whole thing is such a fucking disaster and it's easy to fall into the feeling of wanting to give up.
On the flip side, my anxiety is definitely preventing me from getting a job, as I've mentioned a few times in this thread that I was going to go out and apply, and that still hasn't happened. This whole thing is such a fucking disaster and it's easy to fall into the feeling of wanting to give up.
I have guilt and regret for not doing my part in the relationship and treating her better. She kept asking me to get help with my depression and wanting me to be more emotionally available. I waited too long, until she was already gone to start getting help. Now she's with someone that treats her amazingly, and I should be happy for new. I know I'm putting her on an extremely high pedestal, but she's such a rare soul and has never said one negative thing about me, even when I was ill and lean towards her. I'll never forgive myself for not showing her what she truly meant to me
Pamplemousse
Member
@NIGHT- It seems you're struggling primarily with a breakup, and while that is difficult, it is a largely temporary problem. It sounds like your ex has moved on, and you should try to too. If you found someone else, I'm sure you'd feel a lot better. Put yourself out there more. If you got that close to someone once, it can happen again. Everyone is compatible with more than one person. Imagine finding another incredible person. It happens. Sorry if this sounds insincere. I'm just trying to help.
Your "everything changes" mantra fits more on a large-scale, universal level. Yes, nothing is eternal, but to believe that someone can't be miserable until death releases them is wishful thinking.
I'm going to have to disagree with you here. While it is true that most suicides are fairly impulsive, some shockingly so, there are some that are not at all. The whole "permanent solution to temporary problem(s)" line doesn't really hold water for people who are miserable because of problems that will persist until their death.
Your "everything changes" mantra fits more on a large-scale, universal level. Yes, nothing is eternal, but to believe that someone can't be miserable until death releases them is wishful thinking.
Oh I have. I started seeing someone for 6 weeks and the chemistry just plummeted as it went along. I know this obsession that I have with her is bad and I'm trying to drown it as much as I can.
I've gone on several other dates and most I just don't have enough spark or interest in the person to continue on another date.
I know it sounds insanely childish to be stuck on someone to the point of having obsessive and suicidal thoughts, but my brain is just not processing that this is over and that I need to let it go for good. I'm doing everything I know possible, and still failing
I think all this has evolved from me not wanting to let people go. Maybe since I've lost an older brother from suicide, and my best friend a couple years ago to heart failure.
I've gone on several other dates and most I just don't have enough spark or interest in the person to continue on another date.
I know it sounds insanely childish to be stuck on someone to the point of having obsessive and suicidal thoughts, but my brain is just not processing that this is over and that I need to let it go for good. I'm doing everything I know possible, and still failing
I think all this has evolved from me not wanting to let people go. Maybe since I've lost an older brother from suicide, and my best friend a couple years ago to heart failure.
tearsofash
Member
Looks like I'm probably gonna be hospitalized again soon.
Yup. But to be fair, most problems *are* temporary. The question is just how temporary they are. But unfortunately, some aren't.
(My mom tried to use the "permanent solution to a temporary problem" line on me once and I countered with, "Oh, because my chronic, debilitating illness is temporary?" That shut her up. We don't like to think about the problems that won't go away.)
You have to, bud. I know it's not easy, I know it hurts. But the tighter you try to hold on to people, the more it pushes them away. One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is that ultimately, we can't control whether people stay or leave. Enjoy their company while they're there but when it's time to say goodbye, let them go.
Booker Dewitt
Member
Well, I finally had my first day at amazon and turned in my resume for a manager position at my other job.
I get home to find a eviction notice. I felt I was fucked at first, and was crying over the phone to my mom about it.
But less than an hour later, I was already looking for new places. I applied to a place that would be about 300 more, but since ill be able to clear roughly 1800 a month, I should be fine.
Edit: corrected the price difference between my current place and what I hope I get. Must've got messed up by the craiglist ad for a crackden that was 300 a month in two towns over (greater denver).
I get home to find a eviction notice. I felt I was fucked at first, and was crying over the phone to my mom about it.
But less than an hour later, I was already looking for new places. I applied to a place that would be about 300 more, but since ill be able to clear roughly 1800 a month, I should be fine.
Edit: corrected the price difference between my current place and what I hope I get. Must've got messed up by the craiglist ad for a crackden that was 300 a month in two towns over (greater denver).
Pamplemousse
Member
Yeah, I know. I shouldn't be argumentative in a support thread. It just must be nice to have problems that go away after a few years.
grap3fruitman
Banned
Bringing a gas can to my next appointment. I can't take much more.
Edit: and I'm going to live stream my suicide on Facebook. Hooray for technology! 🙃
Edit: and I'm going to live stream my suicide on Facebook. Hooray for technology! 🙃
I'm tired of always existing in this state of limbo. I know not to give much credence to online tests and such, but at a certain point you recognise a pattern when you are consistently described as someone who lies somewhere in the middle, regardless of the subject. Just the other day, I experienced one of my periodic highs and decided to have a clean-out of my room (it's sad that this was the most productive I've been in months). I was met with negativity when all my father commented on is why I wasn't doing something else instead, and I can totally sense a growing resentment or disappointment from my mother. I tried not to be discouraged, this time things would be different and I'd slowly build my way up to a bigger and better life. Now, just mere days later, the hope has once again been lost in an instant. Lying in bed last night, I realised that beyond childhood I have no idea what joy even feels like, so how am I supposed to know what I'm working towards?
It's strange because I went out yesterday for the first time in a while and I had conflicting thoughts. I enjoy being outside and around people. Despite how anxious I can often be, I actually don't have that much trouble engaging with strangers when I need to, but then I'm reminded why I isolate myself when I'm inevitably hit with the overwhelming feeling of envy at how readily available joy seems to make itself to everyone else. I understand how flawed and self-absorbed that observation is, maybe some of these people are thinking the exact same thing, but nevertheless I end up going home feeling lonelier than ever. Suicide continues to be a recurring fantasy and every time I fall down the depressive hole again after seeing a sliver of light, I begin to understand more and more how people eventually gain the constitution to go through with it. That, or externally explode and become a horrible person.
Maybe this will sound completely dumb, but there was a point yesterday where I looked down at my grey shirt and became aware that it's the predominant colour I wear. An appropriate colour for an indecisive, fence-sitter like me. I'm reminded of my final day at school where someone who I shared a class with for five years commented with surprise that I was in the same year as them, it wouldn't feel like news if someone told me I was actually invisible. My shirt actually represented exactly how I've always felt for most of my life, like a dead television channel.
Please forgive the bullshit purple prose of this post. It's a lot of words for what is essentially "I'm so fucking lonely."
Good luck to the rest of you in your struggles, I hope things improve for each and every one of you.
It's strange because I went out yesterday for the first time in a while and I had conflicting thoughts. I enjoy being outside and around people. Despite how anxious I can often be, I actually don't have that much trouble engaging with strangers when I need to, but then I'm reminded why I isolate myself when I'm inevitably hit with the overwhelming feeling of envy at how readily available joy seems to make itself to everyone else. I understand how flawed and self-absorbed that observation is, maybe some of these people are thinking the exact same thing, but nevertheless I end up going home feeling lonelier than ever. Suicide continues to be a recurring fantasy and every time I fall down the depressive hole again after seeing a sliver of light, I begin to understand more and more how people eventually gain the constitution to go through with it. That, or externally explode and become a horrible person.
Maybe this will sound completely dumb, but there was a point yesterday where I looked down at my grey shirt and became aware that it's the predominant colour I wear. An appropriate colour for an indecisive, fence-sitter like me. I'm reminded of my final day at school where someone who I shared a class with for five years commented with surprise that I was in the same year as them, it wouldn't feel like news if someone told me I was actually invisible. My shirt actually represented exactly how I've always felt for most of my life, like a dead television channel.
Please forgive the bullshit purple prose of this post. It's a lot of words for what is essentially "I'm so fucking lonely."
Good luck to the rest of you in your struggles, I hope things improve for each and every one of you.
Sectorseven
Member
You know how you hear about people suffering from a condition and one day they just "snap?" Is it possible to snap in the opposite direction? Like, you're so tired of having anxiety that you snap and no longer have it?
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
please don't.
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