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Can attraction grow for a man?

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For me personally no, attraction has never really grown with time. I'm admittedly pretty shallow when it comes to this though.

I seem to be either immediately attracted to someone, or never am. It's gone the opposite before where I liked someone and now I look back and think...why? but it's never been that I've become more attracted over time as far as I can remember.
 
CrazyHorse said:
Remember she comes from a conservative background and does not get into relationships. So this is big for her.

Also she lives in a part of the world where she is a part of a religiously repressed minority sect and I fear she wont be able to find other men.
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This is so sad, that people can't have relationships outside of marrying people and that being from a certain religious background limits who you can even marry.
 
"Happy Birthday, Baby. I got you this"

407b02781f56ee834f6a1db03acb5ec9.jpeg
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I hate that, psychologically, I'm superficial in who I'm attracted to. I think there was only one instance where I really liked a girl who was facially unattractive, but whose personality and sense of humor gelled with me to a degree I've never seen before.
 
The clarifications explained a lot. I get where you're coming from now.
It's a tough situation but based on how you're talking about her I don't think you two are right for each other. Don't marry somebody you only like half the time.
Are you actually religious OP or is it mostly because of family pressure? That's a genuine question.
 
AGoodODST said:
It sounds like you should have ended it the moment you had doubts instead of dragging her along for so long.
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I know. That's what I would normally do but this time it's the distance that messed things up. Also her pictures looked good.

After reading all the replies the only thing I can think of that may work is meeting her more often and then seeing if the attraction grows. But I may need to tell her I need that time to make up my mind, so that she doesn't have false expectations.
 
CrazyHorse said:
I know. That's what I would normally do but this time it's the distance that messed things up. Also her pictures looked good.

After reading all the replies the only thing I can think of that may work is meeting her more often and then seeing if the attraction grows. But I may need to tell her I need that time to make up my mind, so that she doesn't have false expectations.
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Yeah making your position clear is the best bet. Good luck, hope it works out the best for both of you.
 
Kieli said:
I hate that, psychologically, I'm superficial in who I'm attracted to. I think there was only one instance where I really liked a girl who was facially unattractive, but whose personality and sense of humor gelled with me to a degree I've never seen before.
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Why you hate that? Bonds through physical attraction is the most common thing in our nature.

I've been rejected quite a few times by girls who probably didn't even found them decent enough to go on a date. It's not like I have a bad opinion about them cause of it. It's just in our nature. To seek good genes.

A lot of people end up settling, that's why we have so many fucked up relationships. It was born crooked.
 
CrazyHorse said:
Also she lives in a part of the world where she is a part of a religiously repressed minority sect and I fear she wont be able to find other men.
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Holy fuck.

Seriously, she's better off without you. Your culture and the way relationships work won't change the fact that you have this fucked mentality.

Do not treat people like charity cases. People deserve better than that. I've seen it happen a few times and no one benefits from it long term.
 
CrazyHorse said:
Also she lives in a part of the world where she is a part of a religiously repressed minority sect and I fear she wont be able to find other men.

But in the end of the day it's not just about her situation because I too do like her personality and do find her attractive on some days.
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But you can't blame yourself if she cannot find other men. Dating someone or marrying someone out of pity NEVER ends well. It will only make both of you unhappy. Also, finding someone attractive on some days is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. That's not how attraction works. This marriage won't work.
 
Sgt. Kabukiman said:
The clarifications explained a lot. I get where you're coming from now.
It's a tough situation but based on how you're talking about her I don't think you two are right for each other. Don't marry somebody you only like half the time.
Are you actually religious OP or is it mostly because of family pressure? That's a genuine question.
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I am religious with some liberal views. I would never do sex or anything physical without marriage. Even if my religion turned out to be fake, I think there are benefits to the way we do things and there are benefits to how most non-religious people do it. Where I disagree with a lot of my community is how they make nationality and race a part of the requirements. SO I am very restricted on who I can marry.

I guess I got to do the best I can.
 
kitchenmotors said:
Holy fuck.

Seriously, she's better off without you. Your culture and the way relationships work won't change the fact that you have this fucked mentality.
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Fuckin lol seriously. She can't do better so let me be her savior. I'm sorry OP but this is what true ugliness looks like.
 
gatling said:
Fuckin lol seriously. She can't do better so let me be her savior. I'm sorry OP but this is what true ugliness looks like.
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You got a good point there. I just see so many girls in our community who remain single all their lives because how stupid our culture is, You cant help feeling sorry for them.

Imagine a whole life single!! They cant date and only marry. They cant marry becasue the right guy never comes along.

It's soul crushing just seeing it happen.

People have written articles about this: http://muslimmatters.org/2013/09/27/muslim-marriage-crisis/

It's really messed up.
 
CrazyHorse said:
You got a good point there. I just see so many girls in our community who remain single all their lives because how stupid our culture is, You cant help feeling sorry for them.

Imagine a whole life single!! They cant date and only marry. They cant marry becasue the right guy never comes along.
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Dude holy shit
 
kitchenmotors said:
Holy fuck.

Seriously, she's better off without you. Your culture and the way relationships work won't change the fact that you have this fucked mentality.

Do not treat people like charity cases. People deserve better than that. I've seen it happen a few times and no one benefits from it long term.
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BTW I appreciate every wake up call. Thank you. You make sense.

But the problem now is that I do like her in many ways. It's not just charity I actually enjoy her company.
 
No. If you don't find her physically attractive you won't find her attractive. It's part of the whole package.
 
PlayerOne said:
Please spare her, OP.

She deserves someone way better.
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She deserves a lot more than it sounds like is open to her. Based on what the OP has posted, he's her one shot at having a life. It sounds like she's stuck in a culture where women are valued solely for being wives and mothers and her options are so severely restricted, that she may be completely denied any chance of fulfilling that role. Can you imagine, being told your only value in the world, is if you fulfill one specific role and then growing up, unable to fulfill it?

This is another reminder of how thankful I should be, for where I was born. Things aren't perfect anywhere, but at least I was spared this.
 
Alienous said:
"I can see her being a good mother and supportive wife" =/= 'she'll probably breed well, good little wife vibe if I can just get over the fact that I'm too good for her'.

You're contorting what is essentially 'She seems like a really good person' so that you can get annoyed at the OP. The OP is basically saying "I wish I was more attracted to her, because she ticks all of my boxes otherwise - can I make this work?'.
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Op is from a different culture so I'll cut him some slack. Still if he's not attractive to her he should probably not marry her.
 
As someone who has a slightly gummy smile, I can sympathize for the girl sigh...

It really does bring down attraction unfortunately and ironically the gummy smile shows most when you're genuinely happy and smiling the widest. It's unfair
 
True Savior said:
Why you hate that? Bonds through physical attraction is the most common thing in our nature.

I've been rejected quite a few times by girls who probably didn't even found them decent enough to go on a date. It's not like I have a bad opinion about them cause of it. It's just in our nature. To seek good genes.

A lot of people end up settling, that's why we have so many fucked up relationships. It was born crooked.
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It's likely ingrained in us genetically, but there have been instances where I thought someone was really awesome and was not attracted to them, and other cases where the person was mean, but still attracted to them. :\

Dam u biology.
 
CrazyHorse said:
Guys I need some help.

I met this girl who is a very ethical and intelligent person. My problem is that I don't find aspects of her face attractive. To the extent that it really puts me off. Other things are attractive. Her face is somewhat asymmetrical (one side puffier) and when she smiles I can see all her gums and and this is because her jaw is a bit protruded.

I don't want to reject her outright without giving it careful thought. I can see her being a good mother and supportive wife.

But can attraction grow?

I am better looking than her and it's not often that you see a husband with a less attractive wife. Things like this bother me: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/19/marriage-study_n_4299002.html
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You just met her and your thinking about this?

This is such an odd OP for numerous reasons.
 
If you're unnattracted you need to leave her alone.

There may be a period when you do become attracted the more time you spend with her, but that will fade and you'll start desiring a more attractive partner. Much is reinforced from what you see in society, but that inner feeling you have will get stronger overtime.

But if you're worried just because you are the more attractive one...well that's something else.
 
To me physical attraction is purely sexual and only matter for such a small amount of time in the relationship. The rest is far more important.

Sexual compatability and how much enjoyment I get from it, the person's physical appearance for me also turned out to be less important than other factors and my physical preferences changed over time.
It took a few relationships and age to realise that.

People that treat looks like a trophy to show off have serious issues with themselves.

Or put another way are you going to constantly divorce and marry new younger wives because they gain weight and get stretch marks from pregnancy. Wrinkles with age etc no one looks good forever. So concentrate on what matters.
 
I get what you are saying, OP. It's absolutely infuriating that culture and race get mixed up in the religion when deciding marriage. I get that having the same religion is important because a relationship really can't work if two people's core values are different or clash with each other but culture and race only comes into the equation because of the greediness of the family. You're not marrying just the other person, you're marrying your family with theirs and I hate that kind of selfishness that prevents you from finding the right person for you.

As for this girl, I get that looks are definitely important. Ask yourself this: if you met another girl who was good looking on a daily basis but had shaky morals, ethics, and personality, would you pick the good looking girl or the girl with character?
 
waxer said:
To me physical attraction is purely sexual and only matter for such a small amount of time in the relationship. The rest is far more important.

Sexual compatability and how much enjoyment I get from it, the person's physical appearance for me also turned out to be less important than other factors and my physical preferences changed over time.
It took a few relationships and age to realise that.

People that treat looks like a trophy to show off have serious issues with themselves.

Or put another way are you going to constantly divorce and marry new younger wives because they gain weight and get stretch marks from pregnancy. Wrinkles with age etc no one looks good forever. So concentrate on what matters.
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You need both, you need physical attraction and a non physical bond to make it work.

Love can grow, but without both you're on a hiding to nothing.
 
Syder said:
I'm far more attracted to my girlfriend now than I was when I met her 5 years ago, and even then, I felt like she was way out of my league in terms of physical attraction.
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Well, duh, you feel like you traded up. OP will probably never feel that way about this girl, physically.
 
waxer said:
To me physical attraction is purely sexual and only matter for such a small amount of time in the relationship. The rest is far more important.

Sexual compatability and how much enjoyment I get from it, the person's physical appearance for me also turned out to be less important than other factors and my physical preferences changed over time.
It took a few relationships and age to realise that.

People that treat looks like a trophy to show off have serious issues with themselves.

Or put another way are you going to constantly divorce and marry new younger wives because they gain weight and get stretch marks from pregnancy. Wrinkles with age etc no one looks good forever. So concentrate on what matters.
Click to expand...

Looks still play a part. People who normally date attractive to very attractive people will still date attractive to very attractive just in addition to these other qualities I now value after experience.

Those that don't, we're either lucky that one time or overcompensating a lot in order to make it happen and realized it wasn't worth it, and dropped back to courting what was their level to begin with.
 
CrazyHorse said:
Guys I need some help.

I met this girl who is a very ethical and intelligent person. My problem is that I don't find aspects of her face attractive. To the extent that it really puts me off. Other things are attractive. Her face is somewhat asymmetrical (one side puffier) and when she smiles I can see all her gums and and this is because her jaw is a bit protruded.

I don't want to reject her outright without giving it careful thought. I can see her being a good mother and supportive wife.

But can attraction grow?

I am better looking than her and it's not often that you see a husband with a less attractive wife. Things like this bother me: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/19/marriage-study_n_4299002.html
Click to expand...
don't do it.
 
Not sure this has been asked but what country do you live in (I'm guessing you're Bengali or Pakistani)? A lot of obvious culture clash going on in this thread.
 
I hear where you're coming from regarding your community and the restrictions it puts on you. I also see how it raises the stakes for any relationship to the level where you absolutely need to consider "wife and mother potential". Most of the people replying, I imagine, don't have kids. If they did, and were looking at a potential new relationship, these things would be real and critical factors.

But I will also say that you cannot sacrifice your own happiness for hers right from the get-go. If you were already in love and her face was disfigured in an accident or by disease, then at least you'd have memories and a real long term bond to keep you together, because at that point, your happiness is tied up in her well being. Trying to grow that from nothing however seems to be a recipe for failure.

You're both single. That means you are not responsible for her happiness.
 
From the way the OP wrote and how sometimes conversations have gone with some of my South Asian colleagues, I figured this might be one of those arranged marriage type of deal.

From what I gathered speaking with them, you go into these arrangements trying to answer questions about long term prospects.

Don't think it is a good idea OP for you to get into this relationship because it might breed resentment in the future. No one wants to be stuck in an unhappy marriage.
 
Most couples I see are a combination of a more attractive male with a less attractive woman. Guess it depends on the country and area.
 
viciouskillersquirrel said:
But I will also say that you cannot sacrifice your own happiness for hers right from the get-go. If you were already in love and her face was disfigured in an accident or by disease, then at least you'd have memories and a real long term bond to keep you together, because at that point, your happiness is tied up in her well being. Trying to grow that from nothing however seems to be a recipe for failure.

You're both single. That means you are not responsible for her happiness.
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golden, i'm going to save this post =)
 
viciouskillersquirrel said:
But I will also say that you cannot sacrifice your own happiness for hers right from the get-go. If you were already in love and her face was disfigured in an accident or by disease, then at least you'd have memories and a real long term bond to keep you together, because at that point, your happiness is tied up in her well being. Trying to grow that from nothing however seems to be a recipe for failure.

You're both single. That means you are not responsible for her happiness.
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I would agree with this...in the context of a western relationship.

In the context of the repressive culture that the OP and this woman live in, maybe (as a member of the group that benefits the most from the oppressive culture) he should take some responsibility for her happiness. Maybe that's the sacrifice he has to make, for living in a culture that values men over women. Maybe the two of them being "happy-ish" is preferable to him having a shot at real happiness and her life being consigned to misery.
 
Condom said:
Most couples I see are a combination of a more attractive male with a less attractive woman. Guess it depends on the country and area.
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What country and area do you notice this in?

Keri said:
I would agree with this...in the context of a western relationship.

In the context of the repressive culture that the OP and this woman live in, maybe (as a member of the group that benefits the most from the oppressive culture) he should take some responsibility for her happiness. Maybe that's the sacrifice he has to make, for living in a culture that values men over women. Maybe the two of them being "happy-ish" is preferable to him having a shot at real happiness and her life being consigned to misery.
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Damn, this is real shit right here.
 
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