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Gay and Bisexual relationship thread |OT|

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Alright gays, I need your take on my current situation. I have an idea of what I should do but I think I need someone to agree with me to actually do the right thing.

So my "problem" is fairly simple. I went on a couple of dates with 2 different people in the last couple of weeks. You know how it is, nothing on the horizon for months ending in tons of opportunity everywhere when you're least expecting them.

Anyway I met these 2 guys on okcupid, a little before Christmas. Schedules being what they are, we weren't able to meet up until I came back to New York after my Christmas break. I'm a recent transplant to the city so dates are as much of a way for me to meet new people as it is to have the chance to get romantically involved with someone.

I met the first one early January, first date went great. We're from 2 different worlds (he's a choerographer, I'm getting my PhD in biomedical engineering) but that's not a problem for either of us and we still have loads in common. He's super nice, cute and quite easy to talk to. We went on 2 other dates after that and each time was great. I ended up spending the night at his place and met his dog and his roommates at the same time and I had an awesome night.

Now the second one I met a few days after meeting cute guy #1. This guy is SUPER cute and extremely easy to talk to. At first I thought he was a bromo, but turns out that's not the case, he just like to say dude a lot. He's an occasional gaymer (he's playing through Bioshock 2 right now and he loves guitar hero) and from what I can tell he's really laid back and easy to hang with. He's slightly shorter than I am, which I like, and he's an extremely good kisser.

Woe is me, I have too many people interested in me.
images


Basically my question is: how long is it acceptable for me to keep dating both (if it is at all)?

I don't think I'll be comfortable dating both of them for a long time. Would feel that I led one of them on which let's be honest, is what is happening even if I don't mean to do it. Right now I don't feel like I know them enough to make a choice but at the same time I feel like I'm a douche for seeing both at the same time and potentially sleeping with both (because let's be fair, I want to).
I like both of them but I can see a drama trainwreck coming up and I'd rather avoid it if possible.

I realize that I should not complain but if anyone has been in a similar situation before I'd be interested in hearing how you solved the inevitable mess I'm heading towards.

train-hits-school-bus.gif
 
Alcoori said:
[. . .]Basically my question is: how long is it acceptable for me to keep dating both (if it is at all)?

I don't think I'll be comfortable dating both of them for a long time. Would feel that I led one of them on which let's be honest, is what is happening even if I don't mean to do it. Right now I don't feel like I know them enough to make a choice but at the same time I feel like I'm a douche for seeing both at the same time and potentially sleeping with both (because let's be fair, I want to).
I like both of them but I can see a drama trainwreck coming up and I'd rather avoid it if possible.

I realize that I should not complain but if anyone has been in a similar situation before I'd be interested in hearing how you solved the inevitable mess I'm heading towards.
Click to expand...

First off: YAY! Congrats
On the Sex.gif

Um, small acting exercise. Try to put yourself in the position of one of the two guys. How long would you want to be in that position before the guy you liked made a decision? Ideally, you want to decide before you get too attached, but you have to get to know these two people first. Honestly, you're not doing anything wrong right now, and you'll get a better idea of what you want [and should have a final decision] after a couple more dates with both the guys.

The great thing about you in particular, is that you're honest and don't want to hurt either of these guys. If you go with your instincts (whatever they may be), I don't see you screwing up.
 
Alcoori said:
Basically my question is: how long is it acceptable for me to keep dating both (if it is at all)?

I don't think I'll be comfortable dating both of them for a long time. Would feel that I led one of them on which let's be honest, is what is happening even if I don't mean to do it. Right now I don't feel like I know them enough to make a choice but at the same time I feel like I'm a douche for seeing both at the same time and potentially sleeping with both (because let's be fair, I want to).
I like both of them but I can see a drama trainwreck coming up and I'd rather avoid it if possible.

I realize that I should not complain but if anyone has been in a similar situation before I'd be interested in hearing how you solved the inevitable mess I'm heading towards.
Click to expand...

this is key. it doesn't matter what our unbiased opinions say. we aren't the guys in the situation. if you think there is going to be a drama trainwreck, then it could totally happen. i say choose one asap before the other gets too far. that way, if the one you chose ends up being a bad decision, you can still salvage the other one because you never let it get too serious.

i personally thinks it's fine though unless you at all hint to either of them that you're being monogamous and dating that specific one.
 
I feel like the living worst for laying the honest truth on a good guy about the lack of a spark in our dates. But honesty's always the way to go, right? Instead of leading someone on.

I think I actually feel worse than when I did after someone laid that truth on me after our first date.
 
Magnus said:
I feel like the living worst for laying the honest truth on a good guy about the lack of a spark in our dates. But honesty's always the way to go, right? Instead of leading someone on.

I think I actually feel worse than when I did after someone laid that truth on me after our first date.
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yeah i had to do that last week. it's better to be honest instead of lying and having them not get the right impression.
 
Alcoori said:
Basically my question is: how long is it acceptable for me to keep dating both (if it is at all)?

I don't think I'll be comfortable dating both of them for a long time. Would feel that I led one of them on which let's be honest, is what is happening even if I don't mean to do it. Right now I don't feel like I know them enough to make a choice but at the same time I feel like I'm a douche for seeing both at the same time and potentially sleeping with both (because let's be fair, I want to).
I like both of them but I can see a drama trainwreck coming up and I'd rather avoid it if possible.

I realize that I should not complain but if anyone has been in a similar situation before I'd be interested in hearing how you solved the inevitable mess I'm heading towards.
Click to expand...


IMO, you should talk to each of the guys first and ask if they want to be in an exclusive relationship. If they do, choosing as soon as you can would be my recommendation.

You might not have all the information you would want before deciding, but it's better than stringing them both along.

Alternatively, if they don't want to be monogamous, you could introduce both guys to each other and see if any sparks fly. If the stars are right, you could have your cake and eat it too.
 
Magnus said:
I feel like the living worst for laying the honest truth on a good guy about the lack of a spark in our dates. But honesty's always the way to go, right? Instead of leading someone on.

I think I actually feel worse than when I did after someone laid that truth on me after our first date.
Click to expand...

Had to do this with a date Saturday with a guy I met on OKC. I felt bad about it too but with me usually being on the submissive side of conversations (ie speak when spoken to when meeting people) it was really off putting for me to be aggressive and still have the banter not go evenly back and forth. Didn't help that there was not much of a personality with him to begin with :p
 
@Alcoori

Two things:

Anyway I met these 2 guys on okcupid, a little before Christmas. Schedules being what they are, we weren't able to meet up until I came back to New York after my Christmas break. I'm a recent transplant to the city so dates are as much of a way for me to meet new people as it is to have the chance to get romantically involved with someone.
Click to expand...

I take issue with this. Being an expat is no excuse for dating your way into friendships. Despite how casual the dating scene can be these days (especially in the gay community), going on dates is still largely seen as a romantic "I want to be more than friends with you" gesture. If you're looking for friends there are plenty of platonic ways for you to meet gay people who have similar interests as yourself. You especially have 0 excuse living in New York - a city that's home to more gay people than it knows what to do with.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to rage at you (and that really isn't my intention if it comes off that way). I just have so many friends right now that are in the various stages of drama associated with dating people they knew they had no business dating. Sure, friendships can result from dating that led nowhere, but often I see the opposite happen: the pressures associated with dating absolutely fucking up what could have been a great friendship.

Anyway...

I don't think I'll be comfortable dating both of them for a long time. Would feel that I led one of them on which let's be honest, is what is happening even if I don't mean to do it. Right now I don't feel like I know them enough to make a choice but at the same time I feel like I'm a douche for seeing both at the same time and potentially sleeping with both (because let's be fair, I want to).
I like both of them but I can see a drama trainwreck coming up and I'd rather avoid it if possible.
Click to expand...

Right now you're not doing anything wrong, but I would suggest getting this situation cleared up before you sleep with either one of them. Casually going for drinks and hanging with multiple people is fine, but in my experience sex is usually where the feelings start getting attached (especially when it's sex with someone you've been "seeing" and not just a hook-up).

When you get to the point where you're going on dates with someone, staying over their house, sleeping with them, and meeting their friends...then yeah, it starts to become a dick move if continue seeing other guys. You don't want to be that person if you don't have to be.
 
Glad the pic posting is dead. This thread needs to continue being safe for work. We don't need shirtless hairy guys all over my screen for my boss to see.

Anyway I'm at work and there's this new guy. Black. Bald head. Pretty beautiful even though hes a little older. Anyway he has a lip ring and a few tendencies that make me wonder. I really want to strike up convo to get more info but im nervous and have no clue about how to go about it.

Edit. We have confirmation of tongue ring. Now either he's a freaky ass straight guy or a freaky ass gay guy. Hmm.
 
The Abominable Snowman said:
Glad the pic posting is dead. This thread needs to continue being safe for work. We don't need shirtless hairy guys all over my screen for my boss to see.

Anyway I'm at work and there's this new guy. Black. Bald head. Pretty beautiful even though hes a little older. Anyway he has a lip ring and a few tendencies that make me wonder. I really want to strike up convo to get more info but im nervous and have no clue about how to go about it.
Click to expand...

Why don't you casually go up to him on break or when he's not busy and ask him how things are going? He's new so it's a totally good opening to ask follow up questions. Are you from this area? Where did you work before here? Just general questions can help open up a conversation.
 
Arcipello said:
lost my sexy ES Collection swimwear....off to Miami and the Caribbean on friday, need to find replacement FAST... any suggestions?
Click to expand...

I like some of the minimalist square-cut trunks that Andrew Christian and N2N make, although the former is definitely not for the modest among us, heh. If you're European, you would typically wear something more like a Speedo/brief, right? I feel like I'm often less discerning as the amount of fabric shrinks... ;)
 
Cosmic Bus said:
I like some of the minimalist square-cut trunks that Andrew Christian and N2N make, although the former is definitely not for the modest among us, heh. If you're European, you would typically wear something more like a Speedo/brief, right? I feel like I'm often less discerning as the amount of fabric shrinks... ;)
Click to expand...

odd misconception about European swimwear... most actually just wear shorts... but i HAD these http://www.musclestars4u.de/shop1/images/product_images/popup_images/1842_0.jpg
 
Bark252 said:
Why don't you casually go up to him on break or when he's not busy and ask him how things are going? He's new so it's a totally good opening to ask follow up questions. Are you from this area? Where did you work before here? Just general questions can help open up a conversation.
Click to expand...

I'm so bad at this. I have no game. I'm usually the one being approached. this will be hilarious.

I feel like Stewie when trying to repeat a joke. "I'm so bad at this!" especially since I have an internet boyfriend (you) and a real boyfriend so i gotta straddle the line and make sure he sees this as purely friendly.
 
Should I send a valentine to a guy I'm not dating who lives thousands of miles away from me and who I've never met in person? This is a potentially stupid decision isn't it? Or is it? <___<

Do they make a 'We're best bros, but I love you and I'd date you if I could, but I don't want things to get weird between us and it would probably not work out anyway' card? Do they?!?!

Don't ask why I'm thinking about this so early.
 
The Abominable Snowman said:
I'm so bad at this. I have no game. I'm usually the one being approached. this will be hilarious.
Click to expand...

Stealth brag post?
Stealth brag post.

:P




GasProblem said:
Just told my sister and her boyfriend that I was gay. The same loving reaction my parents had :)
Click to expand...

YAY! Congrats! :)
The feeling is great, isn't?





Koomaster said:
Should I send a valentine to a guy I'm not dating who lives thousands of miles away from me and who I've never met in person? This is a potentially stupid decision isn't it? Or is it? <___<

Do they make a 'We're best bros, but I love you and I'd date you if I could, but I don't want things to get weird between us and it would probably not work out anyway' card? Do they?!?!
Click to expand...

I think if you re-read your post, you would have the answer.
Also, if there is absolutely now way you two could meet, why bother?
 
The Abominable Snowman said:
I'm so bad at this. I have no game. I'm usually the one being approached. this will be hilarious.

I feel like Stewie when trying to repeat a joke. "I'm so bad at this!" especially since I have an internet boyfriend (you) and a real boyfriend so i gotta straddle the line and make sure he sees this as purely friendly.
Click to expand...

tumblr_ls96yee7Rj1qivdhm.gif


You'll be fine. I'm sure he will see it as a co-worker being nice and welcoming.


Koomaster said:
Should I send a valentine to a guy I'm not dating who lives thousands of miles away from me and who I've never met in person?
Click to expand...

I'm sure he would appreciate the thought. I assume you have some kind of internet friendship going on right?
 
GasProblem said:
Just told my sister and her boyfriend that I was gay. The same loving reaction my parents had :)
Click to expand...
^____^ Yay! Is good to hear!

btkadams said:
i accept any valentines, fyi.
Click to expand...
*sends copious amounts of heart shaped greetings*

Sagitario said:
I think if you re-read your post, you would have the answer.
Also, if there is absolutely now way you two could meet, why bother?
Click to expand...
I will probably send him some kind of valentine anyway, even tho it's dumb. And I guess we could meet, but then what? One of us would have to move to a different country, leave family/friends/etc. Too many obstacles I think.
 
Koomaster said:
Should I send a valentine to a guy I'm not dating who lives thousands of miles away from me and who I've never met in person? This is a potentially stupid decision isn't it? Or is it? <___<
Click to expand...

Valentines are just cute/fun and not really meant to be taken seriously, especially between adults. Send one, he'll appreciate it.
 
GasProblem said:
Just told my sister and her boyfriend that I was gay. The same loving reaction my parents had :)
Click to expand...
:) Yay, I'm happy for ya!
Koomaster said:
Should I send a valentine to a guy I'm not dating who lives thousands of miles away from me and who I've never met in person? This is a potentially stupid decision isn't it? Or is it? <___<

Do they make a 'We're best bros, but I love you and I'd date you if I could, but I don't want things to get weird between us and it would probably not work out anyway' card? Do they?!?!

Don't ask why I'm thinking about this so early.
Click to expand...

Just do it, seriously. Don't think so much about it because it's just a cute little gesture ;) He lives far far away, what could he do?
 
Man he told me his ex found out where he lives probably from a mutual friend and came to his apartment drunk last night. He doesn't have a peephole so he opened the door and he forced his way in. His ex took off with his phone but he has it under a password lock so thankfully he can't use his phone.

So now I can't text him until he gets another phone :/

So yes his ex is a wacko. He tells me he might get a restraining order but who knows. :/ I guess I'm just gonna have to be careful when I'm with him.

But yeah his cousin saw his phone and was like "oh who is this Scott and why didn't you bring him to San Antonio" haha.
 
MidnightScott said:
Man he told me his ex found out where he lives probably from a mutual friend and came to his apartment drunk last night. He doesn't have a peephole so he opened the door and he forced his way in. His ex took off with his phone but he has it under a password lock so thankfully he can't use his phone.

So now I can't text him until he gets another phone :/

So yes his ex is a wacko. He tells me he might get a restraining order but who knows. :/ I guess I'm just gonna have to be careful when I'm with him.

But yeah his cousin saw his phone and was like "oh who is this Scott and why didn't you bring him to San Antonio" haha.
Click to expand...

Can he do a Find My iPhone or the Android equivalent?
 
Hush! I want to get to know him first before I hop into bed with him lol. I haven't officially asked him if he wants to date me yet.

Marriage? I don't think I could wait that long haha.
 
MidnightScott said:
I haven't officially asked him if he wants to date me yet.
Click to expand...

Stop beating around the literal bush and ask him. The longer you wait, the more likely he'll get frustrated and say "screw MidnightScott, I'll find another ass to screw."
 
Alcoori said:
So my "problem" is fairly simple. I went on a couple of dates with 2 different people in the last couple of weeks.
Click to expand...
This sentence seems to imply something much more casual than what the rest of your story details. The fact that you've slept with one while continuing to date the other seems pretty bad. Why did you even meet the second guy in the first place when you hit it off with the first guy?

Alcoori said:
Woe is me, I have too many people interested in me.
Click to expand...

UDUuW.gif


(An announcement to GayGAF: Starting with this post, I am going to start using Janet Jackson gifs excessively. If you don't love her already, you will learn to).

Alcoori said:
Basically my question is: how long is it acceptable for me to keep dating both (if it is at all)?

Would feel that I led one of them on which let's be honest, is what is happening even if I don't mean to do it. Right now I don't feel like I know them enough to make a choice but at the same time I feel like I'm a douche for seeing both at the same time and potentially sleeping with both (because let's be fair, I want to).
I like both of them but I can see a drama trainwreck coming up and I'd rather avoid it if possible.
Click to expand...

It's not acceptable to do at all! Two-timing people in any capacity is something slimy people do, and you aren't that at all! It's perfect fair that you don't feel like you don't know either well enough to decide between them, but that's what taking things slow is for. Although you've already taken things beyond the platonic level with one of them, you can either say it was a "mistake"/"going too fast" or perhaps just use this as a learning experience. By your own admission, you don't think you know either of these guys well enough to have to choose (to exclusively date one). If you're uncertain about you and another guy working out, you probably shouldn't be making your relationship sexual. Sex changes the dynamic of a relationship completely, not to mention, because you don't know the guy that well, you aren't sure where he stands in regard to your relationship, or how he interprets things becoming sexual.

It sounds like you want to "have your cake and eat it too." By using the word 'potentially' in your post, it seems like you are already allowing yourself the moral leeway to sleep with both of them. If you're interested in hooking up with them and maybe establishing a friendship, that's great as long as you're both on the same wavelength about it. But to be going on 'dates,' which has the explicit purpose of finding a boyfriend, I feel like you're leading these guys on if you're seeing them simultaneously, to say nothing of the sex.

My advice would be that if you don't know either well enough to choose, then don't, but to now take the time to establish with each what your relationship exactly is. Be honest about your hesitations, that you don't know them well enough, and want to get to know them better *as friends* before taking things further.

I'm pretty sure you can foresee this drama trainwreck occurring because in your conscience you know that it's gotten to the point where you're leading them on. In the future, if you go with a "friends first" approach, there is no need for secrecy and forthe guys you don't date, you always have the option of remaining friends, which you mentioned you are looking to meet, being new to NYC.

You've got to make the right decision for yourself though, whatever that may be. I just don't want to see this happening to you if one of them were to find out...

uafyd.gif
 
Hookup with with guy I met last night at a bar. Super cute, we hit it off (just made out back at his place, nothing more).

What the acceptable time when I can text him and it doesn't seem like I'm being super creepy and stalkerish?
 
ivysaur12 said:
Hookup with with guy I met last night at a bar. Super cute, we hit it off (just made out back at his place, nothing more).

What the acceptable time when I can text him and it doesn't seem like I'm being super creepy and stalkerish?
Click to expand...

Tomorrow afternoon. I checked the rulebook.
 
ivysaur12 said:
Hookup with with guy I met last night at a bar. Super cute, we hit it off (just made out back at his place, nothing more).

What the acceptable time when I can text him and it doesn't seem like I'm being super creepy and stalkerish?
Click to expand...

i don't see a problem with sending a text the next day. people worry too much about that. there's no right time ha. just don't send him a million texts before he replies and you won't seem creepy.
 
Icicle said:
This sentence seems to imply something much more casual than what the rest of your story details. The fact that you've slept with one while continuing to date the other seems pretty bad. Why did you even meet the second guy in the first place when you hit it off with the first guy?
Click to expand...

I can see both sides.

When I met my ex, i was in-between hanging out with 3 different guys. One of which was purely innocent, another I slept over at his place 3 or 4 times but nothing happened, and my ex and I, we hung out and I would eventually go home, wouldnt sleep over. Eventually the list dwindled down to the former 2, and when I kissed one, I dropped the other.

I got to know all 3 of them, but I knew which one I liked when the chemistry worked and it went physical.
 
ivysaur12 said:
Hookup with with guy I met last night at a bar. Super cute, we hit it off (just made out back at his place, nothing more).

What the acceptable time when I can text him and it doesn't seem like I'm being super creepy and stalkerish?
Click to expand...

I would say it depends both on your intentions and your read on him. If you're looking to see if you guys might be compatible as boyfriends, I'd say now is as good as ever. From whatever you learned about him last night, did he seem to be the type of person who is afraid of relationships? If so, make sure you're really casual in your message, and if he doesn't respond, don't send him another asking him if he got your first one, etc.

Remember, he DID give you his number, so he's obviously interested in hearing from you again! Don't allow yourself to become paralyzed by overthinking the situation.

This could be you!
janetgif.gif
 
TheSeks said:
Meh, the gay people I know offline are all stereotypes. Like, quite literally. It's funny in retrospect given they were all "WHOO YEAH I FUCKED A GIRL" in our high-school years, but all of a sudden they're really... feminine. :/
Click to expand...
I was out to dinner with a heap of mates last night and they're all talking about these awful shows they want to go see (or have seen) - Aqua, Belinda Carlisle, Five, Pink, Cher, basically every 'gay stereotype or terrible pop' artist you could think of. I'm all for people liking what they like but I dunno what it is about certain gay guys who can't (or won't) expand their musical tastes beyond campy pop. I couldn't even join in the conversation :P
 
julls said:
I was out to dinner with a heap of mates last night and they're all talking about these awful shows they want to go see (or have seen) - Aqua, Belinda Carlisle, Five, Pink, Cher, basically every 'gay stereotype or terrible pop' artist you could think of. I'm all for people liking what they like but I dunno what it is about certain gay guys who can't (or won't) expand their musical tastes beyond campy pop. I couldn't even join in the conversation :P
Click to expand...

I love pop but I cannot fathom not growing past it, while still enjoying it for what it is. If the inevitable conversation is the phases of Lady Gaga's career so far, that's playing into a stereotype. And I say that while loving Gaga.
 
julls said:
I was out to dinner with a heap of mates last night and they're all talking about these awful shows they want to go see (or have seen) - Aqua, Belinda Carlisle, Five, Pink, Cher, basically every 'gay stereotype or terrible pop' artist you could think of. I'm all for people liking what they like but I dunno what it is about certain gay guys who can't (or won't) expand their musical tastes beyond campy pop. I couldn't even join in the conversation :P
Click to expand...

This is how I sometimes feel in this thread.
 
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