Hi GAF!
I’m usually not one to openly share with people I don't know over the Internet, but I am in such a state of elation right now that I feel like I have to tell complete strangers what has just happened to me. This may be a long read, but I promise you that it's worth it! Don't worry, there's a tl;dr section at the end for the ADD crowd.
So...I’ve been in a number of serious relationships. My first was around the tail-end of high school, some in undergrad, and a few more up to now. Just to give you an idea of my current circumstances: I’m 29, finishing my Master’s in Business, no kids, and I’m currently in a relationship (2 years). Now, I’ve always been the nice guy, so to speak. In fact, I can be a geek at times (but still suave and all). I’ve never been the type of guy to treat a good woman unfairly. Like many of you, I still believed in the concept of chivalry…that as long as you were gentlemanly, you could just about get any woman you wanted if you practiced that concept. And, like many of you, I’ve been friend-zoned thanks to that concept. Granted, I’ve learned from those experiences and I’m glad that they happened to me at a younger age rather than later. As I’ve gone through these relationships, the “pedestal” that I placed women on has gradually shrunk more and more to where there is always an equal amount of respect for both parties (younger guys, try to heed that relationship model well!).
Before I entered my current relationship, I met a girl back in 2008. Same age, super smart, athletic build, excellent career. Oh, and she’s of mixed heritage (Dominican/Haitian), super fine, no kids, and a bit of a geek (yes, fellas, she plays video games!). I honestly thought she was out of my league, at first. I’m actually a very confident guy, but I was still timid about approaching her. So, I finally grew a pair, called her, and asked her out. She was reluctant at first (understandable, because we were coworkers at the time), so she said that she would think about it. Like…10 minutes later, she called me back and asked me if I wanted to meet her at this nice Thai restaurant. Being all nonchalant, I said “sure.” Since then, we became the best of friends, went to the Bahamas together, and I was the absolute happiest that I had ever been.
You’re probably wondering why the story doesn’t end here. Well, it’s complicated. See, she’s a Jehovah’s Witness, and I’m not (nor will I EVER be). While we were together, she had been “dis-fellowshipped”, which means that she was seen as the lowest of the low based on what she had done previously. Her church doesn’t believe that non-Jehovah’s Witnesses can be together, and they will shun any church member that tries to go against this rule. Her entire family are members. For a while (and while we were together) she could not be seen with her family, nor could she contact them in any way. I knew that it was dangerous for us to be together, so we mutually decided to end the relationship before it got too deep.
That was in 2009. Since then, we’ve both moved on. I entered a relationship with someone (the one I’m in now), and she got back into the good graces of her church. She was finally able to see her family again (which was her only goal...or so I thought), so I was happy for her. I knew at the time that I was never able to keep my feelings for her in check, so for closure I decided to tell her how I truly felt. If I didn’t do this, I couldn’t truly move on. So I told her that my gf and I were becoming serious, but I wouldn’t truly be able to until I let her know that I fell in love with her (the girl) while we were together…as much as I tried to keep it from happening.
Fast forward to now. I’m still in my relationship with my current gf. She loves me, but unfortunately I never could say the same. The fact of the matter is she pursued me, not the other way around. Don’t get me wrong, she’s beautiful, sweet, and intelligent. I just don’t think that she’s for me. During all of this, me and the girl remained best friends, even though we really couldn’t hang out (out of respect for my gf). She also found a bf during this time. I’ll be honest: the guy is cool, rich, and a nice guy. She says that she’s not sure if she loves him, or if he makes her truly happy. We both manage to keep our distance, emotionally at least. At the end of last year, her bf gets a really good job about 400 miles away. She decides to follow him, but not live with him. She told me that he plans to propose to her any day now. In my mind, I try to accept this. I mean, I like the guy! He’s good to her and everything!
Last week, she got really sick. Almost died. Out of the blue, I send her a text message, and that’s when I learned of this. I was really close to driving up to where she is. She’s ok now, but it really had me thinking about how I truly felt about her. My feelings for her never left, they only got stronger and stronger. This is beyond love. When I think about her, I get that same feeling you get when you remember your childhood. That sense of carelessness, innocence. It hard to describe, but it’s like that feeling that “everything will be alright when we’re together,” you know? At that moment, I knew that I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life, beyond a shadow of a doubt. So, I knew that I had to tell her this before the guy proposed to her. I called her up last night, told her everything that I just typed, and waited for her to gather her thoughts. At first she was really pissed, not because it was something that she didn’t want to hear, but because I waited so long to tell her! She felt the same way that I did, but thought that I was the one that wanted to move on! She said that my cue for trying to get back with her was when she was in good standing with her church and her family. She partially blamed herself for not telling me this back then. We both acknowledge that we feel the same way, but we don’t know what to do right now. We’re both in serious relationships, our gf/bf have supported us during our most tumultuous times in our lives (me with my schooling, her with her relocation/sickness). I know it would destroy my gf, and I know that her bf would be extremely pissed at her. The funny thing is that gf has always felt threatened by our friendship, and so has her bf. And on top of that, will our possible union mess her up with her family? This is such a complex issue, for both of us!
So, tl;dr for ADD-gaf: Best friends, who became lovers (after trying not to, for very important reasons), mutually decided to end the relationship, both moved on, currently in relationships of our own, learned that we are truly made for each other, don’t know what to do.
Does gaf have any advice for me? I really need it! This is someone I want to be with for the rest of my life, but it might mean that she would give up her family for me. HELP!!!
(EDIT) Update:
Well, I broke up with my GF yesterday. One of the worst days of my life. I never cry, but I did while talking to her...and I broke down after I left her house. Just about the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It also had me second-guessing my decision. What if I do, in fact, love her? If I didn't, why would I break down like I did?
I don't feel any relief at all. And now, she's confused about what happened (she didn't see it coming at all). Ugh.
I’m usually not one to openly share with people I don't know over the Internet, but I am in such a state of elation right now that I feel like I have to tell complete strangers what has just happened to me. This may be a long read, but I promise you that it's worth it! Don't worry, there's a tl;dr section at the end for the ADD crowd.
So...I’ve been in a number of serious relationships. My first was around the tail-end of high school, some in undergrad, and a few more up to now. Just to give you an idea of my current circumstances: I’m 29, finishing my Master’s in Business, no kids, and I’m currently in a relationship (2 years). Now, I’ve always been the nice guy, so to speak. In fact, I can be a geek at times (but still suave and all). I’ve never been the type of guy to treat a good woman unfairly. Like many of you, I still believed in the concept of chivalry…that as long as you were gentlemanly, you could just about get any woman you wanted if you practiced that concept. And, like many of you, I’ve been friend-zoned thanks to that concept. Granted, I’ve learned from those experiences and I’m glad that they happened to me at a younger age rather than later. As I’ve gone through these relationships, the “pedestal” that I placed women on has gradually shrunk more and more to where there is always an equal amount of respect for both parties (younger guys, try to heed that relationship model well!).
Before I entered my current relationship, I met a girl back in 2008. Same age, super smart, athletic build, excellent career. Oh, and she’s of mixed heritage (Dominican/Haitian), super fine, no kids, and a bit of a geek (yes, fellas, she plays video games!). I honestly thought she was out of my league, at first. I’m actually a very confident guy, but I was still timid about approaching her. So, I finally grew a pair, called her, and asked her out. She was reluctant at first (understandable, because we were coworkers at the time), so she said that she would think about it. Like…10 minutes later, she called me back and asked me if I wanted to meet her at this nice Thai restaurant. Being all nonchalant, I said “sure.” Since then, we became the best of friends, went to the Bahamas together, and I was the absolute happiest that I had ever been.
You’re probably wondering why the story doesn’t end here. Well, it’s complicated. See, she’s a Jehovah’s Witness, and I’m not (nor will I EVER be). While we were together, she had been “dis-fellowshipped”, which means that she was seen as the lowest of the low based on what she had done previously. Her church doesn’t believe that non-Jehovah’s Witnesses can be together, and they will shun any church member that tries to go against this rule. Her entire family are members. For a while (and while we were together) she could not be seen with her family, nor could she contact them in any way. I knew that it was dangerous for us to be together, so we mutually decided to end the relationship before it got too deep.
That was in 2009. Since then, we’ve both moved on. I entered a relationship with someone (the one I’m in now), and she got back into the good graces of her church. She was finally able to see her family again (which was her only goal...or so I thought), so I was happy for her. I knew at the time that I was never able to keep my feelings for her in check, so for closure I decided to tell her how I truly felt. If I didn’t do this, I couldn’t truly move on. So I told her that my gf and I were becoming serious, but I wouldn’t truly be able to until I let her know that I fell in love with her (the girl) while we were together…as much as I tried to keep it from happening.
Fast forward to now. I’m still in my relationship with my current gf. She loves me, but unfortunately I never could say the same. The fact of the matter is she pursued me, not the other way around. Don’t get me wrong, she’s beautiful, sweet, and intelligent. I just don’t think that she’s for me. During all of this, me and the girl remained best friends, even though we really couldn’t hang out (out of respect for my gf). She also found a bf during this time. I’ll be honest: the guy is cool, rich, and a nice guy. She says that she’s not sure if she loves him, or if he makes her truly happy. We both manage to keep our distance, emotionally at least. At the end of last year, her bf gets a really good job about 400 miles away. She decides to follow him, but not live with him. She told me that he plans to propose to her any day now. In my mind, I try to accept this. I mean, I like the guy! He’s good to her and everything!
Last week, she got really sick. Almost died. Out of the blue, I send her a text message, and that’s when I learned of this. I was really close to driving up to where she is. She’s ok now, but it really had me thinking about how I truly felt about her. My feelings for her never left, they only got stronger and stronger. This is beyond love. When I think about her, I get that same feeling you get when you remember your childhood. That sense of carelessness, innocence. It hard to describe, but it’s like that feeling that “everything will be alright when we’re together,” you know? At that moment, I knew that I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life, beyond a shadow of a doubt. So, I knew that I had to tell her this before the guy proposed to her. I called her up last night, told her everything that I just typed, and waited for her to gather her thoughts. At first she was really pissed, not because it was something that she didn’t want to hear, but because I waited so long to tell her! She felt the same way that I did, but thought that I was the one that wanted to move on! She said that my cue for trying to get back with her was when she was in good standing with her church and her family. She partially blamed herself for not telling me this back then. We both acknowledge that we feel the same way, but we don’t know what to do right now. We’re both in serious relationships, our gf/bf have supported us during our most tumultuous times in our lives (me with my schooling, her with her relocation/sickness). I know it would destroy my gf, and I know that her bf would be extremely pissed at her. The funny thing is that gf has always felt threatened by our friendship, and so has her bf. And on top of that, will our possible union mess her up with her family? This is such a complex issue, for both of us!
So, tl;dr for ADD-gaf: Best friends, who became lovers (after trying not to, for very important reasons), mutually decided to end the relationship, both moved on, currently in relationships of our own, learned that we are truly made for each other, don’t know what to do.
Does gaf have any advice for me? I really need it! This is someone I want to be with for the rest of my life, but it might mean that she would give up her family for me. HELP!!!
(EDIT) Update:
Well, I broke up with my GF yesterday. One of the worst days of my life. I never cry, but I did while talking to her...and I broke down after I left her house. Just about the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It also had me second-guessing my decision. What if I do, in fact, love her? If I didn't, why would I break down like I did?
I don't feel any relief at all. And now, she's confused about what happened (she didn't see it coming at all). Ugh.
