Alright I need help understanding this so girl gaf please help me out. I dated this girl for awhile she told me how I was one of the most masculine guys she had gone out with and she felt protected and safe when she was around me and how much she liked that. Fast forward to the present things ended and I found out shes seeing some spineless idiot. How can a woman drop all that then turn around and go the complete opposite direction?
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
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Speculation I'd say because she wanted emotional support as well. At the beginning of any relationship, based on my experience, people will say they like how you are, because they're interested in getting to know you. That'll change if they decide they aren't interested any longer.
People change. Move on.
scar tissue
Banned
This happens? Mindboggling.
What would a guy hope to accomplish with this? She won't tell him to get lost in public, yes, but ultimately she still won't let him into her pants. He's wasting his and her time, and annoying/scaring her. Good job.
People sure are stupid.
in the span of two weeks?
Devolution
Member
Sometimes they'll ask her out too. Force a yes due to the reasons I described above. Some people are real shits, what can I say.
Even less sometimes.
MutantCyborg
Member
Well, she wasn't at class today. I guess there is tomorrow, I wasn't planning on going to class tomorrow but now I have a reason to.
scar tissue
Banned
Yeah, but even if they force a date: she won't change her mind because you use coercion. Anything short of date rape won't work.
The mindset behind it is not only totally douche-y but also completely ineffective.
Vigilant Walrus
Member
Illiza was on the Joe Rogan Podcast a while ago, and as they were talking about relationships in the past, she revealed something about herself that I found very true in many women.
It went something to this effect: "in almost all of my relationships, in the beginning I thought the guy was so amazing, like he was totally too good for me. I would always be wondering why he would be with me. Then months, later, it's like it's gone, and I dump them".
It's one thing, I think that women change their mind so rapidly, or can't stand by their word or vocation, but the worst one (and I hope this does not happen to you) - Is when they alter reality, to make it all your fault. Because for some reason, they don't want to deal with the guilt, pain, awkwardness, confrontation, they actually fabricate a truth in their head about it being your fault - You were the cause that made her not love her, you ruined it, you were the beta, you became too needy, you didn't really communicate enough, you didn't keep the chemistry sparkling.
But I guess men can also do this. (Cartman in Fish Sticks Joke, episode is a good example - Just to take one from a pop culture show we all know).
I think the lesson here (because I've been going through the same thing) is not taking everything by word. I've been reminded that words betray. They are not the truth. They are not the audiovisuel representation of emotion. Words is just a very limited tool that tries to communicate, but often used for lying, distorting or something else along those lines.
Do not hate her mate. Hate will make you bitter. In a way it's not her fault. She is a woman and she is attracted to different things. It might not be a big deal. It might be a case of the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe it will take her ten years to realize what a downgrade it was from going from you to him. But we all make mistakes, and these years in our 20s and 30s are made for messing up and even fucking up bad. Then hopefully by our 40s and 50s when our looks begin to dwindle, we can start being less shallow, and more "legit".
It's one of the most repeated things said, but it must still be emphasized(for all of us!) : when you get dumped, it does not make you less. People who, for whatever reason leave you behind or does not return the friendship/love/comradery/bromanship/respect that you give them, is not an indicator on that your at fault.
But the one who is dumped always gets hurt, because its a rejection. And then comparisons comes in. And thoughts, about the five W's and the H!
She probably meant it when she said that you were masculine as fuck. she probably did mean that you made her feel safe. Good job bro. Now you put another mark in the tree trunk. Who is next? who is the next one to witness your masculinity???
now if only i could follow my own advice, i might be more happy too
I guess but man we clicked right from the get go our conversations were always great, our dates were always fun, hell she even wrote me poetry. We got really close then it was some pulled the crapet from under me and I was left thinking wtf did I do wrong? Its an awful feeling to have everything go so well only to get a kick to the gut.
shit happens man. Peoples feelings change. It sucks, and there's no explaining it. It just happens. All you can do is deal with it and move on. Don't dwell on it, you gain nothing.
SpectreFire
Member
Why are people just so goddamn weird online?
I talked to a girl there a couple of days ago, she asks me if I wanted to get a drink or something sometime. I said sure, and ask if this weekend sounded good.
Haven't heard back from here since, and she's been online a bunch of times since then.
I talked to a girl there a couple of days ago, she asks me if I wanted to get a drink or something sometime. I said sure, and ask if this weekend sounded good.
Haven't heard back from here since, and she's been online a bunch of times since then.
A lot of girls on online dating sites are very flakey. It sucks.
Jackben
bitch I'm taking calls.
So devolution replaced bronzewolf. I guess that's cool, it's too bad it had to devolve in a bad way. It would be interesting to have both sides still here to get opinions on. I have to say that bronzewolf was pretty good at getting people to act more assertive and break things down into simple mechanics. I think dating should be simple because everything is so tenuous already, you can't invest 100% every single time you just meet someone for coffee. It's better to be more nonchalant and care-free. Leave the complicated stuff for the relationship. I might be wrong but that's how I feel.
Ironically I actually have been feeling a bit insecure lately. Asked the girl out I met about two weeks ago and we've been hanging out non-stop. I don't feel like we're going too fast although we're very physically intimate and have a lot of conversations in which we share a lot. I caught myself trying to pace what I reveal or ask her about though. I just don't want her to get bored of me or lose interest and it's something I worry about a lot. I've actually been exhausted this week from all the hanging out we've done each night because I haven't really given myself much time to decompress between work and school and her.
Maybe I could get girl-age opinion on this. Dev?
You guys/gals ever had a relationship that moved to being close really quickly which made you worry?
Ironically I actually have been feeling a bit insecure lately. Asked the girl out I met about two weeks ago and we've been hanging out non-stop. I don't feel like we're going too fast although we're very physically intimate and have a lot of conversations in which we share a lot. I caught myself trying to pace what I reveal or ask her about though. I just don't want her to get bored of me or lose interest and it's something I worry about a lot. I've actually been exhausted this week from all the hanging out we've done each night because I haven't really given myself much time to decompress between work and school and her.
Maybe I could get girl-age opinion on this. Dev?
You guys/gals ever had a relationship that moved to being close really quickly which made you worry?
Devolution
Member
I didn't disagree with what he was trying to do which was keep dudes from being doormats. My issues came with his staunch men are Y, women are X line of shit. And saying "spoken like a true girl" assuming all of our decisions are emotional and that we never break anything down rationally, sorry but no. If we acted solely like that we'd never have successful relationships or even break up with someone for reasons other than "emotional problems."
People get bored with each other when neither party goes out of their way to change stuff up. Surprise her or do something different if you feel like it's going to get stale.
Jackben
bitch I'm taking calls.
Do you think visiting her at work would be something cool I could do? She talks about her job a lot (she works at a hardware store). I wouldn't embarrass her with flowers or anything but just stop and say hi. I've also been planning some dates for this weekend that get us out of the house. I appreciate the advice Dev.
Devolution
Member
Ask about her hours for the next week casually. Show up towards the end of a shift and ask if she wants to get coffee or something before heading home. Don't be too upset if she turns it down (some chicks really hate doing stuff right after work if they're all sweaty and gross).
SpectreFire
Member
Tell me about it. I'm very tempted to write my next paper on this actually.
Her boyfriend must be back in town.
Well, I have wrote seminar paper about the portrayals of different ethnicities in Donald Ducks (Aku Ankka, the Finnish version) during 50's and 60's. Your idea sounds actually more valid that mine was.
Devolution
Member
Or a "better" prospect came along since some women are just assholes like that.
SpectreFire
Member
Maybe, I gave up on finding a real relationship via OKCupid though. At this point, it's just pretty much casual sex for the most part.
I have a feeling a lot of guys probably feel the same way. It's just too much trying to get anything more than that.
Atramental
Banned
And it's a good thing I wasn't.
After doing some internet detective work I found out that that OKC account was using photos from this Belgium emo/scene girl's account on this website:
http://www.fanpop.com/fans/ilkeCupcake/gallery/3
So it's a good thing I only sent one message asking what music "she" likes because I think that OKC account is some kind of troll account.
thestopsign
Member
So what is with girls flirting when they have boyfriends? There is a girl in one of my classes that sat down next to me first day of classes and we've hit it off quite well since. She added me on Facebook about 4 weeks ago now and I see that she has a boyfriend at the school I go to. After that I started acting a bit more cold towards her, didn't sit next to her for a few classes, but she would still constantly make looks back at me and come up to talk to me after class.
This last week I've been sitting next to her again and she has upped the flirting a lot. She has started stealing my pencil, writing on my notes, grabbing my arm/hand, and yesterday she even pulled me in close to her so I could watch a video of her dog (it was her dog barking happy birthday to her). I definitely thought she just thought of me as a friend, but I've noticed how she treats another guy in class she talks to, and she behaves completely differently with him.
Is she just flirting with me to keep me as a friend and to boost self confidence, or does she really like me?
This last week I've been sitting next to her again and she has upped the flirting a lot. She has started stealing my pencil, writing on my notes, grabbing my arm/hand, and yesterday she even pulled me in close to her so I could watch a video of her dog (it was her dog barking happy birthday to her). I definitely thought she just thought of me as a friend, but I've noticed how she treats another guy in class she talks to, and she behaves completely differently with him.
Is she just flirting with me to keep me as a friend and to boost self confidence, or does she really like me?
She most likely likes you and thinks you are somewhat hawt. She might also be bored at her current relationship and is looking for a new one or a bit sparkle in her life.
If it doesn't bother you, you can just enjoy it as long as you can.
Etrian Oddity
Member
Wow, didn't realize the meltdown that took place in here. XD All I'll say is that I think Devo will provide a much more down-to-earth feel here, rather than the alpha/macho/PUA that was beginning to taint this thread. And I'll leave it at that.
Met up with homegirl again...my friends and I suspect she may have her v-card still, because of how painfully shy she is. I'm just gonna be patient though, because I do really like her (and she's stepping out of her comfort zone to see me).
Met up with homegirl again...my friends and I suspect she may have her v-card still, because of how painfully shy she is. I'm just gonna be patient though, because I do really like her (and she's stepping out of her comfort zone to see me).
thestopsign
Member
That's what I'm hoping is happening. I'm guessing I should just sit tight for now right? She and her boyfriend have only been together (from what I can gather), since around Thanksgiving, so it might not be anything serious yet.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
Is BronzeWolf perma-banned or what?
The drill instructor thing was hilarious... before he went full crazy.
I could use some advice. One of my best friends and I fell for each other pretty hard, but it couldn't work out because she decided she has some major relationship-related psychological issues she needs to work out first (they are pretty deep-seated issues that will be hard for her to get past). She's been my best friend for a while and there was never any attraction between us until recently. Thing is, now that I see her in that light I'm not sure how to go back to seeing her in another way. It sure as shit seems a lot easier for her, as she's gone back to being as she was before we had any romantic feelings. Wanting to chill, go to the movies, talk about life, love, etc. I want all of that back too, but fuck does it ever bring me tension right now with these unresolved feelings. I think it may be most prudent to not be so close for at least some time, until the limerence dissipates. I see her every day though, and I don't want to hurt her by somehow making her feel her friendship is not valued. Not a great situation, any wise words to offer?
Well, follow the situation.
She might only be bored, and not even planning to leave him, but just wanting good company and some innocent flirt.
But she might also want something else. So stay tuned. Like you said, it might not be anything serious.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
I've never been in this situation, so I can only offer uh... speculation in a way.
From what you said, she needs a friend right now more than anything. I think that should be your priority. Whatever happens after when she's in a better place, cross that bridge when you come to it. It'll probably hurt a lot, but at the end of the day... you're still her friend, and it seems like she still needs you, just not in the romantic way. At least, not yet.
Megidolaon
Member
Well, I don't know what her issues are, but it sounds like she cares for you a lot. She may not be ready for a relationship yet, but if you support her and remain a good friend with her thorough her tough times, she may come around. If she saw you in a romantic way in the past, there's always a chance that she will again.
I know it will probably be hard to deal with the romantic feelings, but if you guys are/were best friends, I think you should still maintain contact and resist the urge to completely distance yourself becasue of them. You might regret that later. Really good friends are hard to come by and it will be a true testament to your character to be a good friend even without the guanentee of a romance. And if she ever gets over her issues, it will speak highly of you.
Sanky Panky
Banned
Yeah BronzeWolf became a bit too much in character, and while his general idea was good, you could tell he was a product of his own failings and insecurities with women. We all have some.
On the PUA stuff, the confidence you might gain from it is simply a mask, unless you truly discover yourself while doing it. No sounds relationship can be born out of tricks, games, etc.
What does work is you are confident in what you have to offer, you don't skid around your intentions with a girl, and you communicate. Communication backfires when you mean to tell the girl nice things (love, etc) after a short time, but what really is communicated to the girl is some sort of clingy-ness or insecurity. Communication is not what you say, but how the message is interpreted.
My last 4 relationships I remember telling the girl all the bad stuff from the first date, in a take it or leave it sense. They all took it. It's liberating to feel like you don't have to hide who you are, or play games.
On the PUA stuff, the confidence you might gain from it is simply a mask, unless you truly discover yourself while doing it. No sounds relationship can be born out of tricks, games, etc.
What does work is you are confident in what you have to offer, you don't skid around your intentions with a girl, and you communicate. Communication backfires when you mean to tell the girl nice things (love, etc) after a short time, but what really is communicated to the girl is some sort of clingy-ness or insecurity. Communication is not what you say, but how the message is interpreted.
My last 4 relationships I remember telling the girl all the bad stuff from the first date, in a take it or leave it sense. They all took it. It's liberating to feel like you don't have to hide who you are, or play games.
Devolution
Member
This is a good post. Props to you for being open and honest.
Damn, two people offering the same sound advice, contrary to how I felt I needed to proceed. You guys are probably right. Thank you both, always nice to have a different perspective sometimes.
Devolution
Member
Sometimes girls just have more confidence when they're taken but don't realize their more outgoing personality can send off the wrong signals. And sometimes they're already looking to move on out of a relationship that's become cold and stale. I would definitely watch myself if I were you though since she might like the security of having a boyfriend while flirting around. At some point she either needs to realize the vibes she's sending or break up with the boyfriend if she's aware of what she's doing. Just whatever you do, don't mess with her while she's still technically with her boyfriend on promises of "I'll break up with him."
AdventureRacing
Member
I was in a similar position with the GF who just left me. In fact she is now asking the same thing of me, that we just go back to being friends. Personally this is something that i find impossible. Even though she was my best friend and i care for her an incredible amount i have decided to cut off all contact with her. I think it's unfair of me to stay friends with her because i will always be wanting more and that will only hurt both of us.
Maybe after some time has passed i can go back to being friends but i can't see that happening anytime soon. I thought i could do it but i quickly realised i couldn't.
Megidolaon
Member
Agreed.
Plus, many girls (and boys) just like to flirt. It's fun and natural for girls to flirt with people they find attractive. Especially if they're very young. I don't know how old she is, but very serious relationships are hard to maintain when you're young and still discovering yourself.
Meeting new people and flirting is a learning experience and part of life. So while it seems she likes you and is attracted to you, she still has a bf. so even if she ever did break up with him and date you, she probably will still be very flirtatious with other guys. It's part of being young.
faceless007
Member
If you don't mind, what do you mean by "the bad stuff"?
luckyboyceo
Member
Whoa, this thread went bonkers. I need to start checking in more frequently.
Anyway, I'm heading over to the house of the girl I've been dating for a couple weeks now tomorrow night. Pretty excited, we're just going to watch some movies and have some beer. Things have been starting to feel more like a relationship lately, although we've yet to actually make things official. I'm pretty confident that's where it's heading.
Will be meeting her parents as well, which I'm actually very much looking forward to. Hopefully I have some good news to share tomorrow night.
Anyway, I'm heading over to the house of the girl I've been dating for a couple weeks now tomorrow night. Pretty excited, we're just going to watch some movies and have some beer. Things have been starting to feel more like a relationship lately, although we've yet to actually make things official. I'm pretty confident that's where it's heading.
Will be meeting her parents as well, which I'm actually very much looking forward to. Hopefully I have some good news to share tomorrow night.
thestopsign
Member
Yea, if a girl was willing to do something with me while she was still with someone else, I would in general think that she could do that to me in the future which is no good. I also have nothing against the guy she is dating now (don't really know him), so I can't do it out of spite.
MisterNugNug
Member
THIS. This girl and I became friends while volunteering. We'd talk often and she was pretty quite with the others except towards me. I learned eventually that she had a boyfriend but everytime she would take about her boyfriend it was always something negative (makes her wear makeup, won't communicate, she can't talk to him about certain things, etc) and she would flirt with me. I figured I'd take a shot (my feelings were young, if she rejects me all good), things did not go well. She rejected me like she would have a stranger at a club. She wouldn't look me in the eye and was texting while she did it.
Because its the adult and mature thing right? You too can be one of those people who are friends with their exes! Yeah you're doing the right thing. You need time away from her, especially if you were dumped.
AdventureRacing
Member
Yeah i was dumped and i do need time away from her. It has been proving really difficult for me to deal with it, she broke up via texts and i haven't seen her in person since (except when i drove past her on the way to work). It kinda feels like i never got any closure but trying to get that has only made things worse. That's part of the reason i have decided to just stop all contact completely.
Devolution
Member
Breaking up with texts? Sounds like she has class =/.
While I don't have anything to report on the dating side, socially things have been going decently. My bro told me to talk to one woman a day so I could build confidence and it seems to be working. Not to mention eye contact. That said, I don't get nervous whenever I talk to women; that went away a couple of years ago; it's been pretty natural. I just don't have a firm grasp on the whole concept of confidence. -PXG- was telling me about it and made it sound like it was an on/off switch for him. I do know it has to do with thinking positive about yourself.
I talked to a couple of chicks earlier in my drawing class, wisecracked and what not. While I haven't gotten any signs of interest from any of the chicks I talked to other than this one Dominican chick saying I remind her of her uncle in the way I speak; he's Dominican; she couldn't guess what ethnicity I was so I left it a mystery. In most cases, when women can't guess my ethnicity, I tell them. However, just this once I want to make it a mystery. I didn't do any light touching whatsoever; I was standing about 6 inches apart from her who was sitting against the wall. I had a decent conversation going with her until we went back into class. I think there's a few chicks in that class that are of interest, so we'll see.
I swear there's this Asian dude from California in that class who uses PUA stuff; I could see right through his act and feel like calling him out on it privately. He just flirts with the chicks through most of the class. For example he was lifting up this Asian chick's shirt since she has one of those lower back tattoos that women love getting to take a look at while flirting with her. Not to mention that his watch looks peculiar in that it's rectangular and black versus my regular circular stainless steel watch. While I don't feel he's a threat, I'm observing him. I don't like the whole charade stuff even though I like a couple of PUA ideas and have practiced them in the past.
I've talked to a few other chicks lightly. While I'm not pressuring myself to get women's numbers, it's been kind of hard for me to find a club of interest where I belong in. I know there's a salsa club that meets every Wednesday, and some African-American/Hispanic Students thing that some guy who works at the office told me to go to. A year after transferring into this college, I still feel ostracized to the point where it kind of hurts; I only know one guy well and he doesn't want to introduce me to other people. Probably because he feels threatened by me. While I can effectively study better on my own when I'm alone, I still admire people who hang out in the hallway with their group of friends.
tl;dr: Making progress talking to women; no numbers. There's a would-be PUA in my class whose act I see right through. I still feel ostracized a year after transferring to a senior college.
I talked to a couple of chicks earlier in my drawing class, wisecracked and what not. While I haven't gotten any signs of interest from any of the chicks I talked to other than this one Dominican chick saying I remind her of her uncle in the way I speak; he's Dominican; she couldn't guess what ethnicity I was so I left it a mystery. In most cases, when women can't guess my ethnicity, I tell them. However, just this once I want to make it a mystery. I didn't do any light touching whatsoever; I was standing about 6 inches apart from her who was sitting against the wall. I had a decent conversation going with her until we went back into class. I think there's a few chicks in that class that are of interest, so we'll see.
I swear there's this Asian dude from California in that class who uses PUA stuff; I could see right through his act and feel like calling him out on it privately. He just flirts with the chicks through most of the class. For example he was lifting up this Asian chick's shirt since she has one of those lower back tattoos that women love getting to take a look at while flirting with her. Not to mention that his watch looks peculiar in that it's rectangular and black versus my regular circular stainless steel watch. While I don't feel he's a threat, I'm observing him. I don't like the whole charade stuff even though I like a couple of PUA ideas and have practiced them in the past.
I've talked to a few other chicks lightly. While I'm not pressuring myself to get women's numbers, it's been kind of hard for me to find a club of interest where I belong in. I know there's a salsa club that meets every Wednesday, and some African-American/Hispanic Students thing that some guy who works at the office told me to go to. A year after transferring into this college, I still feel ostracized to the point where it kind of hurts; I only know one guy well and he doesn't want to introduce me to other people. Probably because he feels threatened by me. While I can effectively study better on my own when I'm alone, I still admire people who hang out in the hallway with their group of friends.
tl;dr: Making progress talking to women; no numbers. There's a would-be PUA in my class whose act I see right through. I still feel ostracized a year after transferring to a senior college.
Devolution
Member
Jipan I don't have enough history reading these threads, are you just shy around people, women specifically? Where's your new college?
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