Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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In love with my best friend who is going through a divorce from her crappy husband finally. We came close to having sex a few times but always stopped. I'm so stressed that's he's going to somehow talk her into staying. Even if we don't end up together, I want her away from him. He's emotionally abusive and physically abused her once. I'm just using this as my LiveJournal I guess. Nothing is going on at work and I'm just sitting here thinking about it. Ugh.
 
Is it a smart idea to ask a girl out on a Monday? I wont have much free time until the weekend comes along and a friend (who wants to see me succeed) told me to ask her out today... Aren't Mondays just the worst?
 
Is it a smart idea to ask a girl out on a Monday? I wont have much free time until the weekend comes along and a friend (who wants to see me succeed) told me to ask her out today... Aren't Mondays just the worst?

I think the smart thing to do is not worry about insignificant details like that. If there is a girl you want to ask out don't delay it because you think it's the wrong day. Just ask her out and organise a time to meet. If that means waiting till the weekend so be it. Sometimes waiting for something like that can add to the excitement.

Obviously it would be much better if you actually see her in person on Monday.
 
Okcupid can be a bitch. Find a cute girl with my interests, last online 5 months ago. Find another good match, but wants kids soon(no thank you!), finds another one but she hates pets. Find one who matches me nearly perfectly, sends a message, never hears back. God damn it!

Uh, maybe I should join a gym or something, meet new people there instead.
 
In my previous exchange with this girl she was open to the idea of meeting again and having some fun. After all we had a blast together at the party, dancing, kissing, talking and laughing and the girl kept holding my hand the whole time.

So I asked the girl if we could meet this week and she stood me off saying she is going to see her grandma. I played along with her and asked her to let me know if she is ever free but it is a lost cause. Why did she show signs of interest if she wasn't? do girls get off on that? Damn I got no luck with women :( Another girl to forget about and move on...
 
So I've been seeing this girl for a little more than a week now and we've been pretty intimate. She's slept over a few times, talk on the phone and skype frequently, etc. It's very obvious we both want to say the love word, but not really comfortable with saying it yet (instead we both say "I really really like you"). We're both sexually compatible (though she wants me to be more aggressive, which I still have limits from my last relationship I never got to do), we can talk for hours about inane stuff, our interests aren't 1:1, but they overlap a bit and I'm okay with that, because I can learn from her and know enough to hold a conversation about say like politics (she's an international affairs and econ student) or whatever. I haven't met her friends but she says her friends like me.

The problem I'm having (even though she is otherwise 95% what I want from in a girl/relationship. She says I'm not perfect as well but is very close to what she wants) is that she used to do drugs (but hasn't since she saw me except some anxiety pills she had left over she needs but has no prescription for when we had a disagreement) and has huge social anxiety. She doesn't like PDA like kissing or holding hands either, at least in public. I am okay with being "laid back" but she doesn't even like eating in front of other people. She tends to like more...demure? things? Which I don't mind and in fact enjoy, but I would like to do things like bowling or going out and having dinner or whatever once in a while.

Another thing that bothers me is she doesn't really want to add me to her fb saying "you can contact me on skype or my phone" and "You'd be able to see how dumb I was a year ago" (which is around when she made her fb) and later "My mom's on my fb, and she'd creep and be like WHO IS THIS BOY" (unrelated but kind of but her parents are Ukrainian and she goes on about how they're protective or something).

On one hand, it's been a week and I understand where she's coming from, on the other hand I feel like she's afraid to let me into her life thinking I'll emotionally hurt her or something. It kind of frustrates/offends me because I feel like she doesn't really trust me even though I honest to god have no ill intent, with anyone. She said she had a shitty ex which she hasn't really said much of why he was shitty or what he did, but I feel like it's affecting our current situation, or at least my perspective of it?

Another thing that worries me is how she used to hang out with this other guy who hooked her up with her drugs back in nyc, and every time they got high they'd have sex. She said that she told him no more casual sex because she wants to stop feeling like she's easy and she wants to just have sex with me. I trust she wasn't lying (because she posted snippets of the chatlog) but I don't really feel I can trust her to not go get high and end up having sex when she's in that state (because I've seen her high on skype/phone and she's generally pretty impressionable). She's going back to see family/friends during spring break in a few days for a week, but I feel like he's included in that and it makes me nervous. We're not officially dating, but we are agreed that we're exclusive. I suppose all in all, she already trusts me a lot and frequently says how shes more comfortable with me than almost everyone else and all that, but it's not quite as trusting as me which bugs me.

TL;DR: I am dating but not really dating a slow to trust, socially awkward girl and I am generally neither of those things. I know and wont bother trying to fix and change her but I don't know if these things I should suck it up and overlook or if I should bring it up to her even though I'm afraid she'll push back if I try to push her to be just a little less anti-social.
 
Am I doing something wrong? Maybe she thinks I'm some friend she can just dance with and nothing more?
I met one girl at the club one time, she asked to dance. Her version of dancing was the "high school" way, which I didn't care for. I literally grabbed her in an effort to make the dance more sensual. Moments later she ended up obliterating my crotch with her ass for the next 2 years.

My point: Just go for it! Do what you want, man! Its not like you're a random stranger stalking her. If she's rubbing on your nads then start pushing it in. Women will get turned off if they show confidence but you become passive. Girls are VERY selective with who they touch, if you got her grinding ass on you then she's pretty comfortable with you.

Go for the make-out, if you fail then who really cares? What's the worst that can happen? She will see you as "nothing more" if you don't make it anything more.

Of course, maybe she just doesn't see you in that way at all? Who cares. You at least try and have no regrets!


Tess3ract said:
She said that she told him no more casual sex because she wants to stop feeling like she's easy and she wants to just have sex with me.
This, my friend, is a huge red flag. I hate to say it but its ENTIRELY possible she's with you just to validate her own self-worth! The idea to push you away might be because she literally doesn't want to get close! Don't hit the panic button because I could be VERY wrong, but that's the impression I'm getting here.

I would bail out.
 
TL;DR: I am dating but not really dating a slow to trust, socially awkward girl and I am generally neither of those things. I know and wont bother trying to fix and change her but I don't know if these things I should suck it up and overlook or if I should bring it up to her even though I'm afraid she'll push back if I try to push her to be just a little less anti-social.

A week is far too soon to say "I love you."

A month is too soon. I'd say a benchmark of at least like three months man, although it could obviously be sooner.

But seriously, in conclusion, a week is WAY TOO SOON. You are asking to have your heart broken if you go for it.
 
TL;DR: I am dating but not really dating a slow to trust, socially awkward girl and I am generally neither of those things. I know and wont bother trying to fix and change her but I don't know if these things I should suck it up and overlook or if I should bring it up to her even though I'm afraid she'll push back if I try to push her to be just a little less anti-social.

I'm not an expert, but my view:

It's been a week. You don't love her (yet).

She has problems (everyone does).

I don't think it will work out for you two. Don't get too attached early.

Drugs are cool. Stop hating on drugs.
 
How the hell do you guys fall in love in 7 days? I was with my current girlfriend for 7 months before I told her I love her.

You must have some insanely watered down definition or something...
 
I don't mind weed but she's done shit like mdma and mdpv and cocaine and and shit like that and I am just like, not into those things at all. They make me uncomfortable.

She has problems (everyone does).
Everyone has problems, after being in an almost 5 year relationship I realize you have to decide if something is a dealbreaker or not instead of letting things stew. Also communication.

This, my friend, is a huge red flag. I hate to say it but its ENTIRELY possible she's with you just to validate her own self-worth! The idea to push you away might be because she literally doesn't want to get close! Don't hit the panic button because I could be VERY wrong, but that's the impression I'm getting here.

I would bail out.

I don't really think that's the case, I think her last relationship messed her up. I still feel like maybe I should bring it up though about her friend.

How the hell do you guys fall in love in 7 days? I was with my current girlfriend for 7 months before I told her I love her.

You must have some insanely watered down definition or something...
I don't know. I'm getting the same sort of feeling about her that I did about my ex even after we were dating for years. I suppose it doesn't help we've spent almost half of those days together either sleeping over or doing things.
 
Oh, I always thought the general consensus was to use pictures where you're not looking toward the camera. I can upload a few more then.

Ya, writing about myself has never been my greatest strength, it's the reason why I deleted my profile the last time I used OKC. Well back to redoing my entire profile.

You're right but in that photo you're not quite facing the right way, either. It's way harder to explain by typing vs. just directing people. Do what feels natural I guess, you don't want generic looking headshots either.
 
My friend has a crush on a lesbian.

It feel bad for him.

However, she's really cool and a total cutie.

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edit: I know pics are important to GAF
 
I don't mind weed but she's done shit like mdma and mdpv and cocaine and and shit like that and I am just like, not into those things at all. They make me uncomfortable.
.

Try some MDMA with her. If you think you're already in love with her, you won't know what hit you during those 4 hours of bliss.

The reason I said it won't work out is because:

A) She likes her drugs, you don't (not a 100% deal breaker unless you make it one or she goes on some sort of druggie downward spiral).
B) You don't trust her (though I guess you have to build trust, being it's only been a week).
 
Tess - just be careful, man. The fact that she's a druggie means she's also a poor decision-maker, and socially unstable.
 
She replyed to my e-mail late last night so I didn't respond so she doesn't get the idea I was eagerly waiting for her reply, and it would also be a very late time to respond to an e-mail I thought.

She said 'yeah, let's meet and have fun.' She also gave me her number and asked if I had school today.

Where do you go from here? It's Monday. I don't have classes until mid April but I do have my research that I'm working (procrastinating) on as a grad student. I consider myself to be on a vacation.

I think I should text her, since I got her number, the girl is apparently interested but I don't want to blow it. It is still 9am so she must be at work. When to text and what to say? I think I should be making plans. What would be a good place for a first date? Is bringing flowers and putting on a suit for the first date a stupid idea?

You're in Tokyo, correct? Is this girl Japanese? I don't know if dating customs are quite the same in Japan. What I mean is a dude being bold, confident and decisive generally considered as a attractive in Japanese culture as it is in American culture?
 
95% of those messages were really bad and you should feel bad.

The only one that makes her really bitchy is not replying to the David guy.
 
She lives two hours away from me so just the distance alone is a deal breaker. I guess I wanted to see if I could get a lulzy response from her.

I can understand getting annoyed at just "hi" but some of them seem pretty normal introductions. The fuck does she actually want? Jumping through hoops?
She probably wants dick pics or a Timedog-esque message.
 
Yes, exactly. Well said.

seattle6418, your problem is that you see these dicks getting all the girls and you blame the girls for being easy sluts. You label them because it comforts you and it masks your inability to get these girls.

The truth is, the girls choose these guys because they are more interesting, more charismatic and more confident than you are. The reason it seems they treat the girls like dirt is because they know what they want and they don't put up with the shit girls throw at them.

These seemingly "easy" girls are impossible for you to get with your current attitude.

I am very late for not reading this on the weekend, but yes, i agree with everything. Trying to change it, and at least i can say that i´ve gone through the worst and now i´m seeing the light in the end of the tunnel.
 
She probably wants dick pics or a Timedog-esque message.

I'd be interested to see what message DOES pass for her. The self importance of her thinking she's so superior that how DARE they approach her without charm and wit is a joke. I wouldn't want to date the bitch even if she asked ME.
 
I got a "Hi how's it going?" on OKC......not sure if I should respond or just ignore it.

Say hi and a few words back, whats the harm? A lot of you guys complain that girls don't message you back and also that you don't know how to talk to girls. This is where you get practice in and its also polite.
 
Say hi and a few words back, whats the harm? A lot of you guys complain that girls don't message you back and also that you don't know how to talk to girls. This is where you get practice in and its also polite.

I guess, I'm just not sure how to respond though. Nothing particular about her profile leaps out at me or anything. The only person I've ever messaged on OKC I actually said something other than "Hi", and she responded favorably, and it said she replies very selectively, so I must have done something right there.

[potentially misogynistic asshole-sounding question, but not sure]

Am I wrong to think that no full body pics on a dating site is a red flag? I just don't want to have that awkward moment where I find out that someone is actually overweight as hell. The bigger issue about that though, is it just seems like she's trying to cover up who she is if that's the case. A little honestly goes a long way. Thoughts on this?

[/potentially misogynistic asshole-sounding question, but not sure]

Edit: Regarding the girl that messaged me, I looked at her pictures again (all of which are headshots). I saw a cross on the wall in the background, and she left "religion" blank. Ehhhhhhhh.
 
Just making sure. On that note, I should probably post some for myself, I just don't have any right now. (I'm not fat, I swear)

Me too. Hey at least you get messages without approaching, I pretty much have to message girls first. Frustrating since I have a relatively high view rate.

Might have to get you guys to judge my profile.
 
So I've been seeing this girl for a little more than a week now and we've been pretty intimate. She's slept over a few times, talk on the phone and skype frequently, etc. It's very obvious we both want to say the love word, but not really comfortable with saying it yet (instead we both say "I really really like you"). We're both sexually compatible (though she wants me to be more aggressive, which I still have limits from my last relationship I never got to do), we can talk for hours about inane stuff, our interests aren't 1:1, but they overlap a bit and I'm okay with that, because I can learn from her and know enough to hold a conversation about say like politics (she's an international affairs and econ student) or whatever. I haven't met her friends but she says her friends like me.

The problem I'm having (even though she is otherwise 95% what I want from in a girl/relationship. She says I'm not perfect as well but is very close to what she wants) is that she used to do drugs (but hasn't since she saw me except some anxiety pills she had left over she needs but has no prescription for when we had a disagreement) and has huge social anxiety. She doesn't like PDA like kissing or holding hands either, at least in public. I am okay with being "laid back" but she doesn't even like eating in front of other people. She tends to like more...demure? things? Which I don't mind and in fact enjoy, but I would like to do things like bowling or going out and having dinner or whatever once in a while.

Another thing that bothers me is she doesn't really want to add me to her fb saying "you can contact me on skype or my phone" and "You'd be able to see how dumb I was a year ago" (which is around when she made her fb) and later "My mom's on my fb, and she'd creep and be like WHO IS THIS BOY" (unrelated but kind of but her parents are Ukrainian and she goes on about how they're protective or something).

On one hand, it's been a week and I understand where she's coming from, on the other hand I feel like she's afraid to let me into her life thinking I'll emotionally hurt her or something. It kind of frustrates/offends me because I feel like she doesn't really trust me even though I honest to god have no ill intent, with anyone. She said she had a shitty ex which she hasn't really said much of why he was shitty or what he did, but I feel like it's affecting our current situation, or at least my perspective of it?

Another thing that worries me is how she used to hang out with this other guy who hooked her up with her drugs back in nyc, and every time they got high they'd have sex. She said that she told him no more casual sex because she wants to stop feeling like she's easy and she wants to just have sex with me. I trust she wasn't lying (because she posted snippets of the chatlog) but I don't really feel I can trust her to not go get high and end up having sex when she's in that state (because I've seen her high on skype/phone and she's generally pretty impressionable). She's going back to see family/friends during spring break in a few days for a week, but I feel like he's included in that and it makes me nervous. We're not officially dating, but we are agreed that we're exclusive. I suppose all in all, she already trusts me a lot and frequently says how shes more comfortable with me than almost everyone else and all that, but it's not quite as trusting as me which bugs me.

TL;DR: I am dating but not really dating a slow to trust, socially awkward girl and I am generally neither of those things. I know and wont bother trying to fix and change her but I don't know if these things I should suck it up and overlook or if I should bring it up to her even though I'm afraid she'll push back if I try to push her to be just a little less anti-social.

I guess just tread carefully. Obviously the drug history bothers you and rightfully so. Now is the time you really start learning about her as a person and wether or not you want her in your life. Also, don't be afraid to date on the side if you two aren't exclusive. Might find someone you like but without the baggage. Relationships should be fun, caring and exciting. We are tend to make it more complicated than it has to be for whatever reason. 7 days in and you're already finding aspects of her you don't like.
 
Me too. Hey at least you get messages without approaching, I pretty much have to message girls first. Frustrating since I have a relatively high view rate.

Might have to get you guys to judge my profile.

Honestly, I probably got lucky with that one that was unsolicited. I have a grand total of 3 views, granted, I've only had my profile a few days. It was pretty much luck on that one though. As for the one I messaged first, I guess I just did something right.
 
Honestly, I probably got lucky with that one that was unsolicited. I have a grand total of 3 views, granted, I've only had my profile a few days. It was pretty much luck on that one though. As for the one I messaged first, I guess I just did something right.

Well whatever you did, it resonated with somebody so keep on keepin'.
 
I met one girl at the club one time, she asked to dance. Her version of dancing was the "high school" way, which I didn't care for. I literally grabbed her in an effort to make the dance more sensual. Moments later she ended up obliterating my crotch with her ass for the next 2 years.

My point: Just go for it! Do what you want, man! Its not like you're a random stranger stalking her. If she's rubbing on your nads then start pushing it in. Women will get turned off if they show confidence but you become passive. Girls are VERY selective with who they touch, if you got her grinding ass on you then she's pretty comfortable with you.

Go for the make-out, if you fail then who really cares? What's the worst that can happen? She will see you as "nothing more" if you don't make it anything more.

Of course, maybe she just doesn't see you in that way at all? Who cares. You at least try and have no regrets!



This, my friend, is a huge red flag. I hate to say it but its ENTIRELY possible she's with you just to validate her own self-worth! The idea to push you away might be because she literally doesn't want to get close! Don't hit the panic button because I could be VERY wrong, but that's the impression I'm getting here.

I would bail out.

I was going for the make out the entire time. She was doing one of those "moving her head out of the way whenever I was close" tactics. She didn't want to be easy which is fine or she sees me as a friend which is certainly in the realm of possibility. I need to be more of an asshole with women. Whenever i don't care about them I get some. Probably not good for a relationship but great for a hookup.
 
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