Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
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What happened between steps 1 and 2?
Slayer-33
Liverpool-2
That's where it went wrong. Especially 4 and 7. Next time, give her your number and let her contact you. You have a life to live in the mean time, right?
Don't sit around waiting for her to contact you. Do small talk in person instead of impersonal text messages. And let her find you on facebook first, if she wants to.
Pollux
Member
we knew last week
blessing in a disguise
haha true. and it was very amicable, we just agreed let's just be friends. and that was it. still...looking forward to going out again, after 4 years. I need to get my game back...used to have mad game.
let her reach out
when she does, only text about hooking up again........you can say something like "so i suppose you wanna get together"
anything but a "yes" gets ignored by you
Always a fun discussion on GAF.
A few things:
Beer Monkey already addressed the "Guy/Gals friend" issue, which I pretty much agree with, esp the bolded part:
Your girl sounds like the type who needs/likes CONSTANT attention. That's why she has so many guy friends. Very common behavior. When I was single, I was always leery of girls who had tons of guy friends, but very few (if any) girl friends.
And like BM said, if your lady is attractive, then go ahead and assume all her guy friends are trying to fuck her. In fact, going by the bolded "They have a thing for me" line above, not only are they (actively) trying to fuck her, but she knows this and uses it to her advantage (to get attention from them). She may or may not realize she's stringing these "friends" along, but she most likely is.
As far as meeting these guy "friends" of hers, sure go head. It's probably a fantasy of hers that all her guy "friends" & BF being in 1 place together, all showering her with attention. She gets the BF-attention from you, plus she'll get the other guys jealous knowing that she's with you.
EDIT: Your GF having guy friends may be permanent, but I'd wager that most will go away when she finally gets married and said "friends" realize she really is taken and there's no chance of fucking her.
MrGame&Watch
Member
sex
Pollux
Member
Word.
MrGame&Watch
Member
That's where it went wrong. Especially 4 and 7. Next time, give her your number and let her contact you. You have a life to live in the mean time, right?
That's exactly what I did. She gave me her number in the morning, I waited for her to text me, and we did a little back and forth, but like you said I was doing my own thing.
I want to turn this into a repeat performance. Do I just text her randomly for a hookup at this point?
Sickboy007
Member
Avatar quote
Well if you got it without asking, that's one thing, of course. What do you mean by waiting for her to text you? I'd be careful about wanting this too much. That's usually why it never happens. I'd recommend letting her contact you, like Cubsfan23 said. Chances are you'll come off as really needy if you ask for it via text messages or any other way. Go with the flow and don't over think it instead.
Nothing wrong with self-development as long as that's your only goal. Tanning booths seem like high risk for cancer but what do I know?
Beer Monkey
Member
Back to the whole 'my GF has a ton of guy friends' thing, here's my rules:
1) If you want to stick with this girl, act like you don't give a fuck. Act completely secure. Don't act jealous, or you are screwed. Break this even once, even when you are drunk and/or arguing about something, and you are very likely to lose her as she will feel that her value is greater than yours.
2) Make sure and flirt with other girls in front of her. Not heavy flirting, but convey the message that you have options.
1) If you want to stick with this girl, act like you don't give a fuck. Act completely secure. Don't act jealous, or you are screwed. Break this even once, even when you are drunk and/or arguing about something, and you are very likely to lose her as she will feel that her value is greater than yours.
2) Make sure and flirt with other girls in front of her. Not heavy flirting, but convey the message that you have options.
Devolution
Member
You realize 2 contradicts the fuck out of 1 right?
Sickboy007
Member
I'm pretty sure this is astronomical bullshit.
Beer Monkey
Member
Maybe if it looks like you are flirting out of neediness and desperation, sure. Not if it seems natural and the way things always are for you.
Believe what you want. I'm not a disciple of PUA/Game stuff, but there IS some valuable stuff taught in those camps. I'm a firm believer that you have to display high social/sexual value, and that does NOT stop when you are in a relationship, and can be even MORE important when you are in a relationship if you want it to last.
I'm talking about light flirting, I'm not talking about trying to pick up girls in front of your significant other.
Devolution
Member
Playing mind games is desperation.
Beer Monkey
Member
The chick who wants to keep around a bunch of guy friends who she knows want to fuck her is the one with the games.
Devolution
Member
And if you have a problem with that you take it up with her and tell her you can't handle it rather than be passive aggressive and play games yourself.
The Anti-Monitor
Banned
Personally, I believe that if you consider "My girlfriend has a ton of guy friends" a problem, the first step is growing up.
No, it doesn't contradict - essentially what he is trying to say is "make your girlfriend feel like there is no reason for you to be jealous, because you are the catch in the relationship".
Don't agree with it, but I understand it.
What I would say is - being unnecessarily jealous is futile. If your girlfriend wants to cheat, she'll cheat regardless of how you feel about it. If she gets drunk one night and fools around with someone else, it speaks of someone not worthy of the sort of commitment you want anyway.
But it's always important to reinforce the idea that she isn't 'settling' with you. Don't play mind games or anything, but be confident all the time - and this will do the trick. As soon as you start acting self conscious and insecure, you'll start super imposing the idea in her head that "hey... maybe he's right, maybe I should/could be with someone else/better".
Devolution
Member
Two contradicts one because if you truly were secure in your relationship there would be no need to pretend like other fish are in the sea just to prove your self-worth to her in some passive aggressive pissing contest. Either talk to your girlfriend or dump her.
That's not a contradiction, because it's not about being secure - it's about convincing your SO that you feel secure regardless of how you actually feel - in essence, he's advocating playing mind games. He's saying you should act like you don't care, and you should hit on girls around you because he assumes that consciously or subconsciously - a girl who has a lot of male friends is playing the same game with you - a game where she is showing off the fact that she has plenty of options and is the 'catch' in the relationship.
It's all posturing, which is exhausting - I'd avoid being with someone who did that in the first place. Not someone who has a lot of male friends, but with someone who has a lot of male friends to boost their self worth.
Beer Monkey
Member
They really aren't "mind games" if you are naturally confident, flirting will just be part of your nature, and you won't even have to initiate it.
Remember, "fake it til you make it". If you aren't naturally confident, fake it. Call that a mind game if you want, but unless your goal is to lose the girl, you need to be constantly demonstrating your social/sexual value, either naturally/subconsciously, or by forcing it.
One could argue that it's sad that this is the reality, but the bottom line, especially in western culture, it IS the reality. I'm just telling it like it is, not placing a value judgement on today's sexual climate.
If anyone seriously would tell a girl that they like that they aren't cool with them having male friends, I'd say save yourself some headache and just break it off right now.
Remember, "fake it til you make it". If you aren't naturally confident, fake it. Call that a mind game if you want, but unless your goal is to lose the girl, you need to be constantly demonstrating your social/sexual value, either naturally/subconsciously, or by forcing it.
One could argue that it's sad that this is the reality, but the bottom line, especially in western culture, it IS the reality. I'm just telling it like it is, not placing a value judgement on today's sexual climate.
If anyone seriously would tell a girl that they like that they aren't cool with them having male friends, I'd say save yourself some headache and just break it off right now.
FallingEdge
Member
lol no.
I am happily in a relationship with my gf and she has a fair amount of guy friends. There is no reason for me to act that petty at all.
I understand the general thrust of your point, but you make it out like it's a competition, which seems counterproductive to a healthy relationship. I think your message could be turned into
"Be a confident person, if your girlfriend cheats on you, there are plenty of other people out there for you who wont. Keep that in mind and you won't have to worry about being jealous and/or possessive and pushing your girlfriend away."
I get fake it until you make it, fake being confident until you feel it - that actually works. But the assumption of north american sexual relationships that you paint would be one that breeds either distrust or paranoia. No need to assume your girl is going to cheat on you in the first place, and if she would, then she isn't worth the effort of orchestrating this fake confidence (ie, flirting with girls in front of her - that's the stickler for me) in the first place.
Basically, work on being confident, and you've done your part.
As a friend of females who have boyfriends who have occasionally been openly insecure, it's not as vital as you think. Basically I transgressed the 'line' with these girls, bf got all jealous, we withdrew from the line.
This is a case by case situation I believe, but I don't think the girl you're talking about that would cheat on you after acting jealous is a committed one at all. She's gonna find some other reason to cheat on you / leave you.
You have to tell the girl where the line is, because people will encroach if you really act like you don't care. Not sure how to advise how to enforce it, but I think that's potentially dangerous advice. (as in, making normally committed girls MORE likely to cheat on you).
Same deal if you act all interested in other girls. That's just asking for shit to fall apart. There are tons of girls who have enough self worth to leave a guy that openly flirts with other girls, no matter how much of a 'catch' he is.
I believe that stuff. Hell, I'll go so far to say every time I've touched a girl's arm on the first date we've at least moved on to making out. Even if it feels a little unnatural it's worth doing, I think. Touch is important as hell.
MrGame&Watch
Member
Well if you got it without asking, that's one thing, of course. What do you mean by waiting for her to text you? I'd be careful about wanting this too much. That's usually why it never happens. I'd recommend letting her contact you, like Cubsfan23 said. Chances are you'll come off as really needy if you ask for it via text messages or any other way. Go with the flow and don't over think it instead.
Nothing wrong with self-development as long as that's your only goal. Tanning booths seem like high risk for cancer but what do I know?
It wasn't like I was waiting with some insatiable desire. I was just making sure she would text first. I wanted to be pursued. We texted a bit and then a day later added her on Facebook. Maybe I should have waited to add her, but a couple of days after the hookup seems fine. I wasn't really thinking too hard about it, which is how it should be.
The only desire I have now is to create a repeat performance. Not to sound overly crass but should I just text her next time I'm in the mood?
Like Cubsfan23 said, just ask her if she wants to get together (basically the same thing you'd do if you wanted a date, wanted to hang out with a friend, or want to anything with anyone). Why is this complicated? I'm confused.
CAW
Member
@ "guy friends" responses.
I've already spoken to her about it and she knows how I feel. I told her I was happy that she was seeing her friends and that I'm OK with it. In reality, am I jealous? Yes and no I guess. While I may not like idea, technically there is nothing I can do, so I just have to play it cool and see what becomes of it and hope it just passes. But my mind is very good at playing tricks on me and seeing things that aren't there so I do get jealous when my mind presents shit. I swear my mind likes me to be miserable.
I'll talk to her tonight and when it's right I'll ask her if she's told her friends (the guys) about me. However, she does have a bunch of my pics on her FB page, and some of the gifts i've bought her, so unless they haven't creeped her page, they should know about me. She's pretty much told everyone except her parents.
I really like this girl a lot and I'm already feeling strong emotions for her and that's kinda of messing me up so I'm trying to play my cool on all angles and it's getting pretty overwhelming. This new 'obstacle' definitely doesn't help.
I appreciate the advice and opinions.
I've already spoken to her about it and she knows how I feel. I told her I was happy that she was seeing her friends and that I'm OK with it. In reality, am I jealous? Yes and no I guess. While I may not like idea, technically there is nothing I can do, so I just have to play it cool and see what becomes of it and hope it just passes. But my mind is very good at playing tricks on me and seeing things that aren't there so I do get jealous when my mind presents shit. I swear my mind likes me to be miserable.
I'll talk to her tonight and when it's right I'll ask her if she's told her friends (the guys) about me. However, she does have a bunch of my pics on her FB page, and some of the gifts i've bought her, so unless they haven't creeped her page, they should know about me. She's pretty much told everyone except her parents.
I really like this girl a lot and I'm already feeling strong emotions for her and that's kinda of messing me up so I'm trying to play my cool on all angles and it's getting pretty overwhelming. This new 'obstacle' definitely doesn't help.
I appreciate the advice and opinions.
Hi guys i dont posten very often, but i need the general opinion about ages
Im 20 years old and there are these two girls who seem to like me, and even though they look about 17, theyre 15, i still feel uncomfortable about the age-gap
I know no one has problems with a 25 to 20 years gap, but this is different
What do you think?
Im 20 years old and there are these two girls who seem to like me, and even though they look about 17, theyre 15, i still feel uncomfortable about the age-gap
I know no one has problems with a 25 to 20 years gap, but this is different
What do you think?
Vermillion
Banned
Aw HEEEEEELLLL NAW.
Really though, that is most likely illegal. I know it is in the United States. Five year difference with neither at the age of consent? Bad idea. Don't. 18 year olds (guys and girls) are drama enough as is. Stay away from the 15 year olds.
Devolution
Member
Pollux
Member
GTFO of there RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
luckyboyceo
Member
Addressing the whole girl/guy friends scenario, I pretty much agree entirely with LosDaddie's post a few posts up. Ultimately, it boils down to how well you know her and how well you trust her.
I personally don't believe guys and girls can be friends when there's some level of attraction going on, but I suppose it's possible. Though the last girl I dated was one of these girls who had a ton of guy friends, and she ended up leaving me for one of them, so next time I'm going to be a lot more cautious.
Definitely meet them if you get the chance.
In all seriousness though, just like Joker said, 18 can be enough trouble as it is. I can't, nor do I want to imagine, dealing with a 15 year old. Yuck.
I personally don't believe guys and girls can be friends when there's some level of attraction going on, but I suppose it's possible. Though the last girl I dated was one of these girls who had a ton of guy friends, and she ended up leaving me for one of them, so next time I'm going to be a lot more cautious.
Definitely meet them if you get the chance.
Bail out, unless you like jail.
In all seriousness though, just like Joker said, 18 can be enough trouble as it is. I can't, nor do I want to imagine, dealing with a 15 year old. Yuck.
vicissitudes
Banned
If I were a judge, I would send you to jail for failing the divided by 2 plus 7 rule.
Now if you were to hit a couple of 17-year-olds, I would be okay with that.
Devolution
Member
Devolution
Member
I know... thats why i didnt do anything but i wanted to know you guys general opinion on the subject
CAW
Member
Not 100% sure. We're still fresh and 'seeing' each other (exclusive though afaik) because she's coming off a weird relationship where she feel in love with a friend of like nine years and he rejected her. So she's moving on, but slow while she tries to get her feelings in order.
Anyway, and I don't even know if that has anything to do with it, but it might. She's also 21 and lives at home and doesn't pay rent, etc. She has a couple tattoos her parents don't even know about and I think she might be afraid to tell them my age, because I'm 10 years older then her.
Other then that, I don't know. She comes to my house when we chill and I've told her I'd have no problem going there from time to time but she said then we'd have to sit with her mom and she doesn't like that so whatever. We're still young in the relationship so it's not a big deal.
Dude, no. :lol
Now don't be afraid to talk to other females in front of your girl, but damn dude, don't go looking for some girl to flirt with.
Let me tell you about guys like my formerly single self; Unless the girl outright told me she was dating someone (like, you know how girls LOVE to inject their BF into conversations), I still thought I had a chance to smash.
So yeah, go ahead and meet these guys. It'll be fun for you.
WTF are you doing, man? You should be chasing tail that's at least 18yrs old
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