Yep. I've lost like...40 pounds or so in the last two years.
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
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Yep. I've lost like...40 pounds or so in the last two years.
jadedm17
Member
You're never a burden to friends. Some may even love to listen.
Its funny, because I could have just as easily turned out like that. But during my early teen years I'd watch my cousin - who was a really tall, bigger guy - always be hanging out with the hottest girls imaginable, and he was in highschool.
Made me realize its 99% confidence. The rest comes.
As Dr Suess would say : Those that mind dont matter, those that matter dont mind.
NeOak
Member
While its true that some people will run for the hills when they are faced with walls of text, there's also the opposite. Have you found someone that is patient and willing to listen during those bursts of text?
Why are you a problem? They love you. Why are you a problem?
Well, this issue is directly related to you not being able to date, so it qualifies for this thread.
Why not?
The_Inquisitor
Member
That's fantastic! Now take that energy and positiveness and apply it to when you are out with others meeting random people.
Drink soda, not alcohol. You are assuming no one would talk to you. It may take a few trips, but the main purpose of bars is to talk to people, hook up etc. Don't assume, try.
I'll chime in and say, of course they stop working. Positivity activities, self help methods and such are flawed and designed to fail. What they focus on is instant gratification from the activity itself which doesn't have a lasting effect after reality comes back creeping in (and you need more of that "confidence boost"). These activities basically makes you hooked on that short moment of ego tripping where you build an unrealistic mental image of your self, which you will ultimately know is unattainable.
They make you feel worse because, like you said you try and you feel you fail - but instead of blaming yourself you should blame the methods.
Now, how I got over some of my own confidence and self image issues was to find and do things I liked and am good at. I was living in an image of something I had to do. I was an engineering student, raised to take over my dad's company and that was it - I had a set goal and a good life ahead of me, and I was miserable. I really wasn't into it, and this affected my studies, my life etc. And my confidence in myself was very low.
It wasn't after I sat down and thought about what I really wanted to do with my life I started to turn it around. Long story short, I quit engineering and started to study primary education, gave up my future career (I let my brother take care of it) to build a new one - I started living my own life. How it affected me was ultimately how I viewed myself, before I could really say I wasn't happy with myself and all the issues I had with myself grew out of proportion, now I just don't mind them.
I'm not telling you to turn your life over but you should consider what it is you really want to do.
Don't fall into the trap of "if I do X, my problems will vanish". No amount of paint will fix a house if the foundation's broken.
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ZombieFred
Unconfirmed Member
That Piano thread. Jesus christ. I am making sure none of you are going to go into that situation on anything that gets post here. Bloody hell.
what is so bad about it? it's not like they are married. We're talking about dating here.
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ZombieFred
Unconfirmed Member
It's more on the mind state he was in and not having clear focus to really become happy by finding the right person that would care for him and how he refused help by anyone with good suggestions to help with his life. That's not a healthy state to be in. They might not be married and he's only dating but consider him being in his young adult life and has a far better chance on finding someone at the same age who's more caring and understanding of his character and personality and helps him explore on things he could do on improving his life and being more happy, compared to someone who's "cheated" behind his back and caused a lot of anguish for this person and thus to the situation where he is now. It's not good, in my opinion.
shit happens. It's his life, he has responsibility to be level-headed about this. People do a lot of dumb shit being young. That's what being unexperienced is about. And there is nothing wrong with it. It's inevitable.
with this kind of attitude - yes, nobody would.
BUT if you are having fun with your friends chances are high that your mood and attitude might change.
if bars and clubs aren't your thing try dating sites. There is nothing wrong about them.
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ZombieFred
Unconfirmed Member
True but that's why there's threads with people on here that try to help prevent having bad experiences and suffering the higher consequences when suggested help can prevent that from people that have experiance. I was in a very similar situation and guys on here gave me the right level of confidence and focus to reassure I was doing the right thing on ending a doomed relationship and I am better for it. If I didn't I would have been in a mortgage property contract with someone that would have taken the advantage of me and my finances. Life is all about experiences and life learning yes, but its always good to have people that are there to help prevent a situation from going to really bad and help put them on the right path again so they are more happy in the near future.
yeah, I agree but it's up to him to take our advice.
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ZombieFred
Unconfirmed Member
Exactly, we can only hope for the best and wish him well on whatever he does. Speaking of Dating, that lovely red head girl that I saw on the weekend would love to go on a date with me and she's free Wednesday and Thursdays for me to see her (as she works on other nights and also does university) so I am happy that random night sleeping together from meeting her at a club is going somewhere. Let's see how this will turn out.
Smelly Tramp
Member
keep your guard up though.
girls that have put out for me on the first night, whilst they can be sweet, are never really looking for anything long term.
have fun man but don't get emotionally connected. not yet anyway.
good luck bro.
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ZombieFred
Unconfirmed Member
Apreciate the warnin but I'm not planning to let my guard down on any women for some time (thanks to some good life lessons) and just to enjoy the journey and not get emotionally hurt at all. I am just enjoying my own youthful nature and freedom and just see where life takes me. It's nice to be calm and relaxed when it's just dating and having fun with women myself, it's a good thing. If anything good happens then I'll be pleasantly suprised.
-ImaginaryInsider
Member
I use to say the same thing, then I went to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, it was the best thing I've ever done. They gave me a rate based on my income and it was really reasonable.
I was heavy in my late teens, lost that weight in my early twenties, and spent the better part of a decade still hating myself. Don't be me, don't waste most of your twenties being miserable and thinking your hopeless.
6-8 months of CBT should help you get a better grasp on why you feel the way you do, and it will challenge and breakdown your negative thoughts and help you rebuild how you think about yourself.
I was able to keep up the first 8 pages, then it exploded. But man, that was enough anyway. Poor guy, his mind is completely warped.
In personal news, OKC has taken a nosedive serverwise or something. Also, I texted my ex telling her how I felt about her not coming home for a week straight. She said she would explain last night. Never came home. Should I text her again or just ignore her like she is ignoring me and the responsibilities she still has at our apartment?
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ZombieFred
Unconfirmed Member
I think the thing you need to do is just to ignore her and become more independant with yourself and live well, have fun and go out there trying new things. I am sure you can sacrifice doing some more responsibility around the house than being put down by your ex.
Leeness I know exactly how it feels, and I'm similar in many regards (despite being a guy).
I have a very low opinion myself (looks and abilities), and I'm generally not sure if I'm overly critical, or if I'm just not good enough. I too was called nasty things during my teenage years, and like with you they still haunt me to this day. Having said that I am starting to think higher of myself nowadays, and despite my issues it has seemed to help a bit.
A lot of my issues over the past couple of years have come from my uncertainty in the future, my regrets, my lack of outgoing friends and my career choice. All of which are intensified due to my OCD, which isn't exactly helping the situation.
I'm personally trying to get to where I was with confidence back in 2010 (second year of college), and then go beyond that state. I was highly regarded in skill by my tutors/classmates, I had hopeful ambitions for the future, and I was just generally happier with myself. I guess all of this caused one of my friends (who I had a crush on in my first year) to fall for me, and we dated for a bit, but I (somewhat regrettably) ended it (as detailed from here in the first dating thread). It did give me a huge confidence boost though, and I even seemed to overcome a few hurdles with my approach anxiety (I was still unable to approach people directly, but I did seem to open up to strangers better). Sadly however for a variety of reasons my confidence vanished in my final year.
These past couple of weeks I've been telling myself something positive and unique about me, and you know what? It has helped a bit, so I suggest trying it!
I've also been listening to some confidence building music (as suggested by Cubsfan23) and they're great! I'm not usually one for that kind of thing, but they do seem to help a bit, somehow. Also I'm not saying you have to drink, but what have you actually tried before? A tiny bit may help loosen you up a bit, and thus make you more approachable. The thing I find with alcohol is that it can be enjoyable, but you just need to know what you like drinks-wise. Even just going out in the evening to bars with friends would be good, even if you don't drink.
Anyway I'm sorry I haven't helped much, and I hope things work out for you soon!
I have a very low opinion myself (looks and abilities), and I'm generally not sure if I'm overly critical, or if I'm just not good enough. I too was called nasty things during my teenage years, and like with you they still haunt me to this day. Having said that I am starting to think higher of myself nowadays, and despite my issues it has seemed to help a bit.
A lot of my issues over the past couple of years have come from my uncertainty in the future, my regrets, my lack of outgoing friends and my career choice. All of which are intensified due to my OCD, which isn't exactly helping the situation.
I'm personally trying to get to where I was with confidence back in 2010 (second year of college), and then go beyond that state. I was highly regarded in skill by my tutors/classmates, I had hopeful ambitions for the future, and I was just generally happier with myself. I guess all of this caused one of my friends (who I had a crush on in my first year) to fall for me, and we dated for a bit, but I (somewhat regrettably) ended it (as detailed from here in the first dating thread). It did give me a huge confidence boost though, and I even seemed to overcome a few hurdles with my approach anxiety (I was still unable to approach people directly, but I did seem to open up to strangers better). Sadly however for a variety of reasons my confidence vanished in my final year.
These past couple of weeks I've been telling myself something positive and unique about me, and you know what? It has helped a bit, so I suggest trying it!
I've also been listening to some confidence building music (as suggested by Cubsfan23) and they're great! I'm not usually one for that kind of thing, but they do seem to help a bit, somehow. Also I'm not saying you have to drink, but what have you actually tried before? A tiny bit may help loosen you up a bit, and thus make you more approachable. The thing I find with alcohol is that it can be enjoyable, but you just need to know what you like drinks-wise. Even just going out in the evening to bars with friends would be good, even if you don't drink.Anyway I'm sorry I haven't helped much, and I hope things work out for you soon!
Maybe you should contact your old tutors again Xun and see what they have to say about your career etc I'm pretty sure they'd want to see you succeed and can probably help you on your way with contacts and/or confidence boosts etc.
Edit: It's not easy no matter who you are
I'm pretty sure they'd want to see you succeed and can probably help you on your way with contacts and/or confidence boosts etc.Edit: It's not easy no matter who you are
You don't HAVE to drink alcohol.
This is exactly the kind of attitude you must drop. You think too much about yourself, about how you must be in a certains situations. You're a cutie, there are no doubts about it so forget about how you look, that's clearly not a problem. I'm a bit socially awkward myself and with the years, I found out I don't like to keep long terms relations, even with friends. I prefer to meet new peoples and hear about them, learn about new experiences or anything... And to be honest, I usually don't say much about me and that's fine, because there isn't much to say anyways.
Being "normal" is so relative. What's being normal for you?
Get into therapy. That's my only advice. It's evident you have issues. You've even acknowledge some of them. As someone who has studied psychology for eight years, I can tell you statistically speaking - good psychotherapists can positively impact you in eight sessions or less (typically two sometimes three months). That is of course, with a patient who is openly willing to accept and change their behaviors and thought process.
The caveat is the costs. It's expensive for sure, but consider that you're paying for a long term investment towards your mental health. Not a material object that gets replaced in two years. Go into debt if you have too, or ask your parents for assistance. Everyday that passes and you do little to nothing about it will just lead you further down the wrong path.
Qwerty710710
a child left behind
Went back to the gym 2 weeks ago saw this cute girl talked to her the 3 times I've seen her. Not for too long though today I'm going to ask for her number kinda nervous since all the girls I get numbers from are from okcupid.
Omegasquash
Member
Don't be nervous, just be open in your desire to get her number AND FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT. Even better, "hey, want to go out/see movie/get dinner/connect friends this weekend? Cool. What's your number...I'll give you a call and we'll set it up."
That way it's more than just a phone call to her, it's a fun time and the number is just a means to an end.
Qwerty710710
a child left behind
It sounds good but I'm very pessimistic person. I was thinking along line with " I'm just wondering do you want to exchanged numbers". Probably a bad thing to say.
You might want to, instead, ask her if she'd like to go out for coffee or lunch some time soon. That way you get her number, and you set up a date all at the same time. It's smoother, I think, than asking to exchange numbers and then calling/texting her at a later day to set up a date.
Edit: Ah, so yeah that's basically what Omega said too. Go for it man.
Edit 2: Though a movie on a first date isn't usually the best idea, because you can't talk and get to know each other. Coffee or lunch I think is the safest bet.
I saw this one cute girl at the gym today, I didn't speak to her because well, it would have been awkward...but sigh she was cute, and wore a pac-man sweat shirt. *nerd love*
Why would it have been awkward? In an alternate reality where you decided to talk to her, you are now on a date with her. Make that alternate reality the real...reality! lol
She was with her mother (she looked to be in her 20's btw lol) and from everything I've heard from friends, women do not like being "talked to" when working out lol. I'm totally ok with it, I'm not in the mindset of "OMG I regret not talking to her", just thought she was so damn cute.
Qwerty710710
a child left behind
That's not true the first time I saw this chick she was doing bent over rows. I was pretty shy myself on how to break the ice. But once she was using a machine I wanted to use that was my opening point to talk to her. We haven't really talked for that long when I see her the 3 times so far hence trying to get her number this afternoon we'll see what happens hopefully I won't choke. But try to find something in common with her it's pretty obvious you both like the gym so that's a good starting point.
Omegasquash
Member
@ Log4Girlz - Dat pac-man sweatshirt was the perfect segue in. Don't sweat the lost opportunity...just chat it up next time. Take it like this...you like her style. All the more reason to hit her up next round.
I know. It's just so damn expensive, I really can't afford it. :/ And I don't think a couple of months would fix me
Xun, see...I never had any confidence, so there's nothing to really base it off of to go back to haha. I dunno. And there's nothing good about me so...nothing to repeat back at myself haha
I dunno.
I know. It's just so damn expensive, I really can't afford it. :/ And I don't think a couple of months would fix me
Xun, see...I never had any confidence, so there's nothing to really base it off of to go back to haha. I dunno. And there's nothing good about me so...nothing to repeat back at myself haha
I dunno.
Sweet, cool (you have to be to post here as a girl
), extremely pretty.Sweet, cool, extremely pretty.
Sweet, cool, extremely pretty.
Sweet, cool, extremely pretty.
Sweet, cool, extremely pretty.
Sweet, cool, extremely pretty.
Sweet, cool, extremely pretty.
I know. I'm sorry and this will be my last post on the subject, I've clogged up the thread enough.
But I just don't and can't believe it. Sorry.
I know. I'm sorry and this will be my last post on the subject, I've clogged up the thread enough.
But I just don't and can't believe it. Sorry.
Its true though. You should work to believe in what we say. Dear god, here in Miami you would be hit on constantly.
Napoleonthechimp
Member
Oh, you're such an enlightened individual. How's that working out for you?
No amount of people telling you you're wrong will convince you. It's got to come from inside.
When you can look in the mirror and know you're the shit, all your insecurity about it will drip away. But the only person who can make that happen is you, but adopting a positive attitude and outlook, grabbing the bull by the horns, and refusing to be dominated by your feelings and control them instead. What kind of person are you? Ask yourself that question. Are you the person you want to be? If not, then make proactive steps to correct it.
Ultimately, nothing will change until you impose your will over your life, and no amount of anonymous nerd compliments will get you there.
When you can look in the mirror and know you're the shit, all your insecurity about it will drip away. But the only person who can make that happen is you, but adopting a positive attitude and outlook, grabbing the bull by the horns, and refusing to be dominated by your feelings and control them instead. What kind of person are you? Ask yourself that question. Are you the person you want to be? If not, then make proactive steps to correct it.
Ultimately, nothing will change until you impose your will over your life, and no amount of anonymous nerd compliments will get you there.
Rafa=FedKilla
Banned
Who you callin' a nerd brah?
Hypereides
Member
Ive been there. And Ive recovered.
Its wasnt an easy slope, but if it isnt a challenge then its not worth doing.
Love is hard to find in this world we live in. But it doesnt come without risks. I tend to believe many guys have a hard time commiting to the consequences of a relationship. Going from being independet and getting adjusted to depending plus fully trusting your significant other takes alot courage and gamble. Its a difficult wager. Its intimidating and kinda horrifying in a way.
Also, I sincerely hope youre joking about your appearence and just seeking reasurance that it isnt your exterior/looks thats whats wrong with you. You look like a fine young and healthy woman. I dislike people seeking validation and superficial attention/affirmation. Its not attractive and a very unappealing trait.
Besides going by your young looks, I assume its something wrong with the guys your age and not you.
There's been some studies that in theory say girls/women are mentally mature 3 years older more than men. Take it from that perspective.
NeOak
Member
I know. I'm sorry and this will be my last post on the subject, I've clogged up the thread enough.
But I just don't and can't believe it. Sorry.
You're so afraid of change, you are giving every excuse you can to avoid changing your current status quo.
Don't. Your posting here is a sign that part of you wants to change. You just gotta take the first step: Truly wanting to. No excuses.
Napoleonthechimp
Member
Do you know what you're doing right now? You're repeating a mantra and it goes a little something like this: "Poor me, no one will ever love me, I can't be helped and no one wants to anyway."
The only person you're trying to convince is yourself. YOU are reinforcing YOUR own belief system. By believing in it so completely you physically manifest those traits so other people around you believe that is what you are.
The only way your life remains forever unchanging is because you repeatedly force it to fit into a template that you have in your brain. When you wake up every morning your brain accesses that template and it goes "well I guess that's who I am" and off you go to think the same old thoughts and repeat the same old actions.
Don't be a robot that mindlessly repeats it's programming. Take stock of your life, identify what things you don't like and change them.
Here are some wise words for you to dwell upon: "The mind is everything. What you think you become." - Buddha
luckyboyceo
Member
Last weekend I managed to get two dates scheduled for this week. Awesome, right? Wrong. Turns out, by some stroke of god, the two girls know each other. I don't know how close they are, but I've confirmed that they definitely know each other (facebook friends/posts).
Normally, I wouldn't have any problem going on two first dates in one week, considering there's been no commitment yet. However, given the fact that these two girls know each other, do the rules change? I have to think that if they figured out they both went on dates with me only a handful of days apart, that they'd both bail, regardless of whether or not I felt it was an appropriate thing to do.
So, should I just focus on one? Do you guys think it'd still be doable to go on both dates? It's hard to say if I'm leaning towards one girl more than the other, they're polar opposites.
Any thoughts are appreciated, thanks.
Normally, I wouldn't have any problem going on two first dates in one week, considering there's been no commitment yet. However, given the fact that these two girls know each other, do the rules change? I have to think that if they figured out they both went on dates with me only a handful of days apart, that they'd both bail, regardless of whether or not I felt it was an appropriate thing to do.
So, should I just focus on one? Do you guys think it'd still be doable to go on both dates? It's hard to say if I'm leaning towards one girl more than the other, they're polar opposites.
Any thoughts are appreciated, thanks.
Only one thing to do...threesome.
NeOak
Member
This. Do this.
The_Inquisitor
Member
I don't see any issue. Play it normally. You have no idea who you'll like better until you go on a day anyways. They won't develop any hostile feelings anyways. Just go out with each of them.
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