Depression

Status
Not open for further replies.
I've been depressed for a very long time, but in the past few days I think I have finally found out what has been making me depressed since I was ten years old (I'll be 21 in August). I'm a perfectionist. If I plan on something and it doesn't go perfectly, I will constantly beat myself up for days or even weeks on end. I'm glad I finally figured this out because after a while I began to ask myself "Am I crazy? What the fuck is wrong with me?"

And I wasn't the only one asking that question about me. My friends, girlfriends, family members; all of them asked why I was constantly trying so hard to be the best at everything when I was so great at most things. I was a great goalkeeper, but I pushed myself to the point of permanent brain damage. I had my high school crush by the end of my freshman year of college, but I was still trying to make her love me more or be better around her. It drove her away after nearly two years. I ultimately drove my best friends away too. Every person that wanted to get close to me, I pushed away because I tried too hard. I'm glad I figured it out now, but I'm really upset that I didn't notice this sooner. I could have been less fucked up and more relaxed about everything. I could have had a better childhood.

I guess the next step after recognizing all of this would be to stop beating myself up and revel in my mistakes and stop living my life to the point of near insanity over small mistakes and mishaps. However, I really don't know how to stop doing all of that. Beyond living on my own, I can't think of anything that would help me stop acting this way. I know I'm a great guy, I know I'm comfortable to be around, but I just can't stop striving to be the best.
 
the way I accomplished things while in this dreadful state, is to remind myself that even though there may be no ultimate meaning to anything, you only get one shot at life.
So you might as well do something with it.
 
Mully said:
I guess the next step after recognizing all of this would be to stop beating myself up and revel in my mistakes and stop living my life to the point of near insanity over small mistakes and mishaps. However, I really don't know how to stop doing all of that.
Click to expand...

You need to know why you are a perfectionist. What are you trying to prove? Are you worried what others think of you? Do you feel insecure? Do you think your not good enough? Do you have low self esteem?

Here's an article on how to stop being a perfectionist. You can even google "how to stop being a perfectionist" for many more.
 
Mully said:
I've been depressed for a very long time, but in the past few days I think I have finally found out what has been making me depressed since I was ten years old (I'll be 21 in August). I'm a perfectionist. If I plan on something and it doesn't go perfectly, I will constantly beat myself up for days or even weeks on end. I'm glad I finally figured this out because after a while I began to ask myself "Am I crazy? What the fuck is wrong with me?"

And I wasn't the only one asking that question about me. My friends, girlfriends, family members; all of them asked why I was constantly trying so hard to be the best at everything when I was so great at most things. I was a great goalkeeper, but I pushed myself to the point of permanent brain damage. I had my high school crush by the end of my freshman year of college, but I was still trying to make her love me more or be better around her. It drove her away after nearly two years. I ultimately drove my best friends away too. Every person that wanted to get close to me, I pushed away because I tried too hard. I'm glad I figured it out now, but I'm really upset that I didn't notice this sooner. I could have been less fucked up and more relaxed about everything. I could have had a better childhood.

I guess the next step after recognizing all of this would be to stop beating myself up and revel in my mistakes and stop living my life to the point of near insanity over small mistakes and mishaps. However, I really don't know how to stop doing all of that. Beyond living on my own, I can't think of anything that would help me stop acting this way. I know I'm a great guy, I know I'm comfortable to be around, but I just can't stop striving to be the best.
Click to expand...

Why did you post that twice?
 
Surface of Me said:
I can empathize with the first part of your post greatly. I've never had a girlfriend either, and sometimes it does get to me a lot. A girl led me on for over a month recently and then broke my heart to top that off. Thought I finally found someone. I have huge self esteem problems because of this and because of some other things, which really only makes stuff worse. It's really hard for me to put myself out there, even though I want to try and people tell me that I could probably easily get a girl with my personality.

I'm starting to work out again, I just kept making up excuses the past few weeks and skipped out, luckily I stabilized my weight where I last left off. Hopefully that will help. My job isn't too bad, it's retail, but I really like the people I work with.
Click to expand...

I also have problems with self esteem. My negative feelings (jealousy/anger, etc), coupled with the fact I've never experienced intimacy or mutual affection with somebody has left me with feelings of low self worth.

I am constantly judging myself by how I think other people may see me. Always comparing myself to others.

I seem to have lost all sense of who I am. Focusing all my energy on worrying about what other people think of me has done no good whatsoever. I am directionless, confused, frustrated, and hate myself because of it.

It feels like everyone is enjoying being young and in their 20's together. And then there's me - the oddball, the guy that's always alone. Sometimes I feel like I am already an old man, as I feel so detatched and isolated from people of my age group. Perhaps it's the fact that so much emphasis is put on sex and relationships in our society. Social status, too. It's hard not to feel like you're missing out on a big, fun part of life.

I wish I could go back to not giving a damn. Before I started to think about it all so much, I was happily enjoying my life and hobbies. My interest and motivation has since been sapped by what I think is depression.

I started to exercise myself, last year, but then stopped. Push-ups. Maybe I could get back into it as another positive thing to focus on and see results from.
 
heidern said:
Hope my feedback, at least a little anyways :)
Click to expand...

Google has been my friend the past few days. There's been a few articles I've read up on how to deal with my perfectionism. All of them say the same things, but the more I read them the more I start to actively change my habits. It's been difficult though. I still catch myself thinking about mistakes I made as far back as 2nd grade and wallowing in them for a few moments, but it's enough to distract me for a while. I guess I just have to be alert of these things and try and change my mindset when I think of those mistakes.
 
If any of you guys like metal, check out the band We Came As Romans. Really helped with my depression and give me a new outlook on life. Hope it helps someone.
 
cereal_killerxx said:
If any of you guys like metal, check out the band We Came As Romans. Really helped with my depression and give me a new outlook on life. Hope it helps someone.
Click to expand...

to add to your post: Like Moths To Flames, Silverstein, Saosin, The Color Morale, Senses Fail, Of Mice & Men, and For All Those Sleeping. "Ashamed" by The Browning has a pretty good message too.
 
mooooose said:
Fuck anyone saying it's easy to be happy and have good things (relationships, money, SECURITY) in your life if you "work hard". Of course if you work hard you will find happiness. But when you are CLINICALLY DEPRESSED, it's fucking hard to wake up and move. Everything, EVERYTHING, is a fucking chore. It's easy to fucking say get out of bed and get a job and make friends and work hard and you will be happy from the top of whatever horse you're on, but just because someone is DEPRESSED, DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE FUCKING STUPID. OF COURSE, if you work hard you'll be happy. THE WORK ISN'T THE PROBLEM. It's a MENTAL block that leaves you in misery.

Fuck anyone that can't understand that shit. You lack empathy and are fucking stupid. I've heard this shit a ton in my life from a bunch of people who swept their own problems under the rug, and were either: abused, successful and depressed, or unsuccessful and depressed. The key thing between all of them was that none of them could admit it.
Click to expand...
You seem to misunderstand the meaning of the word "hard", which is to say, "not easy". It is not easy to work hard, by definition.

I understand that mental illness is a further barrier to hope, to motivation, and to healing, but what the fuck am I supposed to say? You're fucked, and you have no hope of climbing for your pit of despair, because you literally lack the ability to do so? I don't believe that, and I hope no one here does either.

As many people as I know who are suffering from depression, I know an equal amount who have at least partially overcome it. It *can* be beaten.
 
mooooose said:
Fuck anyone saying it's easy to be happy and have good things (relationships, money, SECURITY) in your life if you "work hard". Of course if you work hard you will find happiness. But when you are CLINICALLY DEPRESSED, it's fucking hard to wake up and move. Everything, EVERYTHING, is a fucking chore. It's easy to fucking say get out of bed and get a job and make friends and work hard and you will be happy from the top of whatever horse you're on, but just because someone is DEPRESSED, DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE FUCKING STUPID. OF COURSE, if you work hard you'll be happy. THE WORK ISN'T THE PROBLEM. It's a MENTAL block that leaves you in misery.

Fuck anyone that can't understand that shit. You lack empathy and are fucking stupid. I've heard this shit a ton in my life from a bunch of people who swept their own problems under the rug, and were either: abused, successful and depressed, or unsuccessful and depressed. The key thing between all of them was that none of them could admit it.

So if Neojubei is dead partly because of some dumb fuck in here, fuck you and your hard work dickhead.

Neojubei, I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do. I hope you make the right decision.
Click to expand...

As someone who has been suffering from bipolar disorder for years now, a sincere: fuck you.
This defeatist attitude is the poison that runs through everyone's brain who is depressed and further enabling it is the worst thing you can do.

I have no chance of ever getting better, I react really really badly to all medication in this regard, yet I managed to climb out of this bottomless pit with my knuckles bleeding and it was exhilarating.
 
Mully said:
Google has been my friend the past few days. There's been a few articles I've read up on how to deal with my perfectionism. All of them say the same things, but the more I read them the more I start to actively change my habits. It's been difficult though. I still catch myself thinking about mistakes I made as far back as 2nd grade and wallowing in them for a few moments, but it's enough to distract me for a while. I guess I just have to be alert of these things and try and change my mindset when I think of those mistakes.
Click to expand...

Yeah, your perfectionism built up over 10 years. So you've been effectively training yourself to be a perfectionist and ingrained it as a habit. So now you are developing a new habit of not being perfectionist and that will take time. There may even be times when you regress. But if you stick with it over time things will get easier. You will eventually get in the habit of not being perfectionist and it will become your default mode of operation.

One other thing you could do, is write down some of these mistakes. Seeing them in black and white sometimes they lose their power and you evaluate them less emotionally and more rationally.
 
So i am still here more or less. I went to my therapists office but he wasn't in so i spoke with someone else. She really wanted me to go into a hospital but i declined. I went back to work and after work spoke with a friend of mine about everything. I don't think a hospital can help me or anything else. I'm just trying to force myself to help myself if that makes any sense. I just hate that i am myself and i put myself in this position. I wish i could be someone else rather than myself.

cereal_killerxx said:
If any of you guys like metal, check out the band We Came As Romans. Really helped with my depression and give me a new outlook on life. Hope it helps someone.
Click to expand...

Back in High School I used to listen to a lot of Pantera

Obsessed said:
Neojubie, did you ever look into ECT?
Click to expand...

I'm seeing my normal therapist next week so i will see about doing that. Hopefully it helps.
 
mescalineeyes said:
As someone who has been suffering from bipolar disorder for years now, a sincere: fuck you.
This defeatist attitude is the poison that runs through everyone's brain who is depressed and further enabling it is the worst thing you can do.

I have no chance of ever getting better, I react really really badly to all medication in this regard, yet I managed to climb out of this bottomless pit with my knuckles bleeding and it was exhilarating.
Click to expand...
Everything is relative and clearly that won't work for everyone. Honestly, that kind of passive aggressive demeaning advice will help NO ONE. All it does is show your own vulnerabilities, and as anyone could have guessed, you're damaged goods and probably still not happy, but the "excuses" Neojubei gives aren't good enough for you. Fuck that. A person's happiness and road to happiness is fucking relative. The shit blocking his way is obviously making it impossible and climbing over that wall is relatively impossible unless you FEEL like you can. Your disease doesn't give you entitlement over anyone else and after what you said, you over ANYONE else in this thread can't use it as leverage in defense. So fuck you asshole.

Neojubei, I'm glad to see you post.
 
neojubei said:
So i am still here more or less. I went to my therapists office but he wasn't in so i spoke with someone else. She really wanted me to go into a hospital but i declined. I went back to work and after work spoke with a friend of mine about everything. I don't think a hospital can help me or anything else. I'm just trying to force myself to help myself if that makes any sense. I just hate that i am myself and i put myself in this position. I wish i could be someone else rather than myself.



Back in High School I used to listen to a lot of Pantera



I'm seeing my normal therapist next week so i will see about doing that. Hopefully it helps.
Click to expand...

Jubei! I hope you realize how glad we all are to see you! Don't give up hope. There's some anger directed your way, but it's really because people want to see you taking some steps to get better. Definitely ask about going into the hospital or trying ECT. When you're this depressed, you need serious help. It's like being seriously ill with any other disease - you shouldn't be out walking around if you have some crazy autoimmune disease - instead of your immune system attacking your body, your mind is attacking you. You need some intense help. There's no shame in it - I've been on the psych ward, my best friend has been twice, and we both credit it with putting us on the road to recovery. She just got her PhD and I'm back in medical school. It really turned us around. Give me a call and I can tell you what to expect, how to make the most of your time. We sincerely want you to get better. You have your whole life ahead of you. Go to wikipedia and look at the list of famous people who suffered from depression. It's real, it's treatable, and you can get better.

I don't talk about it much, but I came very close to taking my own life about ten years ago. Since then, I've gotten married, had a son, made incredible friends, helped people with their depression, traveled to places that just changed my life, saw my brother get married and gained a sister I love to death, formed a relationship with my older brother that I never had before, been to amazing concerts. I've had my bad times, too - it hasn't all been great, but I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. I thought my life was over, when in fact it hadn't even really begun. And I've used my experience with depression to help other people. I think it has taught me a lot, and I'm dedicating my life to helping others who suffer from psychiatric illnesses. And I think I'm doing to be good at it. you'll learn from this, much as it sucks, but you can take this awful experience and use it to help others. I think back and I can't imagine if I hadn't been around to experience the last ten years of my life.

don't give up hope. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Seriously, give me a call. I've PM ed you my phone number.

We all want to see you get better. Let us help you. You can and will get better.
 
Overall, the thread took a kind of negative turn yesterday. We can get frustrated with each other and I've certainly been just as pissed off as anyone else at various times, but we're all people who have dealt with mental illness. Not many people understand what that's like, so we should try and have some more patience with each other. We're in this together. I'm not going to tell you what to post - it's not like I could, anyway, but I really hope we can be patient with each other. Sometimes you've got to be stern, but we've all been beat up enough. Let's try to make this a safe place and stay on the same team.
 
Uchip got me thinking about an unofficial Depression-GAF gaming group. We could shout the bull about mental illness why plowing through Diablo III (my current game of choice) for example. Any interest? If so, how do we go about getting this going?
 
Dear live journal,

I am extremely grateful that I can consider myself mentally healthy and I wouldn't say I am depressed per se, but I think things have been confusing mentally and emotionally since February and I just haven't been able to break through that hump of melancholy. Things have plateaued as far as sadness stemming from a break-up and I have no idea if it will get better at this point. It is certainly livable and non-intrusive now, but damn do those dreams put me in a rut for a day or two. That is not my real concern though.

The biggest reason I am feeling a little down is because I don't really have any close friends. I have acquaintances and I jump around a lot with people. I always cause people to have a great time and laugh a lot but I just can't break into a group and be invited consistently. I kind of feel like a novelty that people just don't want to drag out every time. Most of the time I have to ask people if they want to do something, and then maybe 20% of the time I get an invite to something. I hate doing that though since I don't want to seem desperate.
 
I seriously hate socializing with other people for some reason. I mean in my Calculus class pretty much everybody knows each other and I'm the only one who doesn't know anyone except for one person. My instructor wants us to use the classmates as our resource for help on homework or study group. This is pretty much like my other classes I took where I didn't know anyone and I haven't made any new friends. I keep telling myself what's the point of making new friends and working with people. Sigh....I seriously could care less who I would work with because I only talk to people when we work on homework or group discussion for example. I feel like a cold hearted person for saying this, but this is how I feel. And I also know in careers or working in jobs, I have to work with people and talk to them.
 
neojubei said:
So i am still here more or less. I went to my therapists office but he wasn't in so i spoke with someone else. She really wanted me to go into a hospital but i declined.
Click to expand...


These are medical professionals and they are trying to help you. Thinking you know best probably isn't the best way to solve your problems. Especially when you are in here week after week with new problems. Let people help you.
 
This isn't about me per se. This is about my gf. She has bipolar disorder and earlier after work she had a pretty intense mental breakdown. She hates her job and says that she wants everything to "stop" and talks about wanting to sleep and never wake up. Add intervals of crying uncontrollably to that and I start to worry my ass off. I just want to know what is the best way to help her? What are the best words to say? (I know the "It's gonna be alright" shit won't work....her mom tries that shit all the time and it only makes her push her mom away). Was I right in just letting her vent and cry and not say anything?
 
Checking in to Depression-Age once again. Been feeling fairly unhappy the past week, mostly because of life/career stress. Sometimes I feel like I've completely missed my chance at being a happy and fulfilled person since I fucked up in college (was depressed on and off, picked a "useless" major) and am now wallowing in the part-time employment/living with my parents social ghetto. Not clinically depressed, just feeling my dysthymia flaring up.
 
CherryWoodFuton said:
This isn't about me per se. This is about my gf. She has bipolar disorder and earlier after work she had a pretty intense mental breakdown. She hates her job and says that she wants everything to "stop" and talks about wanting to sleep and never wake up. Add intervals of crying uncontrollably to that and I start to worry my ass off. I just want to know what is the best way to help her? What are the best words to say? (I know the "It's gonna be alright" shit won't work....her mom tries that shit all the time and it only makes her push her mom away). Was I right in just letting her vent and cry and not say anything?
Click to expand...
Dude... she's bipolar... get used to this sort of thing...
 
Not sure about that, but you can't make her go. She needs to want to go herself.
Not to be a dick, but bipolar disorder can be extremely hard on relationships... proceed with caution. Is she like a brand new gf or something? As much as you care about her, think about yourself and what's best for you first and foremost...
 
Came off of nearly a week straight of feeling nearly unstoppable/invincible. During that time I got blackout drunk, partied my ass off, spent money I don't have, talked to every woman I could find without a second thought, and slept very little.

As of yesterday afternoon, I felt as if a ton of bricks had dropped on my head. I'm tired as fuck, depressed, and unfocused. I slept like 12 hours last night but felt as if I had emerged from a coma. I can't go out. I'm pissed off and ashamed.

Are these tell-tale signs of bi-polar depression? My doctor isn't sold on the idea. She just has me on prozac but it isn't doing SHIT. I hate living like this. I've gone off the deep end for sure. When I'm not the "life of the party," people just don't understand me. I retreat into this self-loathing hell hole and how long it takes me to get out totally varies. Normally a night of binge drinking then forcing myself to party is a way to kick-start out of it. But that's not exactly healthy behavior......

I got chucked the fuck out of a nice resturaunt this past Sunday then totally blacked out afterwards. I woke up in a relative stranger's apartment (only ever met her once before), and I didn't even stop to think about my behavior or feel ashamed until my "ton of bricks" moment yesterday. I really embarassed my friends and I think I burned several bridges that night.

Also I think I pretty much scared the fuck out of this girl I've been seeing with my behavior lately. She's been acting odd/distant, and I get the feeling it's over.

I've got nothing to show for my foolishness but an empty bank account. Those fun memories don't mean shit now. I need to grow the fuck up and get a REAL girlfriend but I'm either living in the clouds and totally self-absorbed, or feeling like a piece of trash and just want to be left alone.

What the fuck do I need to do to convince my Doctor a little Prozac isn't going to do shit for me? The therapist was the one that originally put this bipolar thought in my head, but it makes sense. But the doctor thinks otherwise, saying you need to have 5 of the 6 symptoms to be diagnosed as bipolar. She thinks I just have anxiety and a little OCD. I'm convinced I'm halfway to the nut house at this point. It's not a little ANXIETY that's making my moods swing wildly like a metronome. Fuck this shit.
 
Charles Foster Kane said:
I guess if I´m honest, I should say that I... I just want to die. but I´m too much of a coward to shoot myself or anything like that. I just started taking pills. Die in quiet desperation I guess. Don´t even have money to get therapy or the guts to tell my dad to help me get therapy.

Thanks to those who read this. I´m sorry for stealing your time.
Click to expand...
I may be reading this wrong, but if this is saying you are CURRENTLY TAKING PILLS RIGHT NOW IN AN ATTEMPT TO KILL YOURSELF, you're making a huge mistake. Call 911 immediately, or if you can't bring yourself to do that, call me at 561.702.8339, right now. Trust me. You can turn everything around.

I will post a very nice and encouraging response when I have confirmed you are not currently in any immediate danger.
 
Docpan said:
Came off of nearly a week straight of feeling nearly unstoppable/invincible. During that time I got blackout drunk, partied my ass off, spent money I don't have, talked to every woman I could find without a second thought, and slept very little.

As of yesterday afternoon, I felt as if a ton of bricks had dropped on my head. I'm tired as fuck, depressed, and unfocused. I slept like 12 hours last night but felt as if I had emerged from a coma. I can't go out. I'm pissed off and ashamed.

Are these tell-tale signs of bi-polar depression? My doctor isn't sold on the idea. She just has me on prozac but it isn't doing SHIT. I hate living like this. I've gone off the deep end for sure. When I'm not the "life of the party," people just don't understand me. I retreat into this self-loathing hell hole and how long it takes me to get out totally varies. Normally a night of binge drinking then forcing myself to party is a way to kick-start out of it. But that's not exactly healthy behavior......

I got chucked the fuck out of a nice resturaunt this past Sunday then totally blacked out afterwards. I woke up in a relative stranger's apartment (only ever met her once before), and I didn't even stop to think about my behavior or feel ashamed until my "ton of bricks" moment yesterday. I really embarassed my friends and I think I burned several bridges that night.

Also I think I pretty much scared the fuck out of this girl I've been seeing with my behavior lately. She's been acting odd/distant, and I get the feeling it's over.

I've got nothing to show for my foolishness but an empty bank account. Those fun memories don't mean shit now. I need to grow the fuck up and get a REAL girlfriend but I'm either living in the clouds and totally self-absorbed, or feeling like a piece of trash and just want to be left alone.

What the fuck do I need to do to convince my Doctor a little Prozac isn't going to do shit for me? The therapist was the one that originally put this bipolar thought in my head, but it makes sense. But the doctor thinks otherwise, saying you need to have 5 of the 6 symptoms to be diagnosed as bipolar. She thinks I just have anxiety and a little OCD. I'm convinced I'm halfway to the nut house at this point. It's not a little ANXIETY that's making my moods swing wildly like a metronome. Fuck this shit.
Click to expand...

How long have you been on Prozac for? SSRIs take a little while to get going, I didn't feel different for 6-8 weeks if I remember correctly.
 
Charles Foster Kane said:
no, I´m not in immediate danger, I just meant I´ve been recently (past few weeks) taking some heart pills my mom had to help do the trick, plus drugs. Fuck I´m such a pussy I´m crying so much right now. I cant even do that right.
Click to expand...
Okay. Good. = D

Charles Foster Kane said:
Hi, I know I´m new here and nobody knows me, sorry to annoy anyone with my problems. I just feel I need to vent a little, maybe at least typing will help a little. This might be long so I apologize in advance.
Click to expand...
Friends and family are often quoted as the most important things in life, and yours suck(ed). It's rude to say, since I'm sure you loved them in one way or another, but you should recognize that no good mother would *ever* say those words to her children...I can only imagine how scarring that experience must have been.

Depending on your location, it can be exponentially awful to be outwardly gay, so it's up to you if you want to come out to your dad and/or other acquaintances. But you said it yourself, you know what to do...you've got to get away from him. You're still young (which is rad), but more than old enough to live a life free from his (perhaps subtle) abuses. Try to start anew the best you can.

Never be ashamed of who you are. And feel free to post here as often as you'd like...we're all willing to listen and help. = D

Also, yes, get rid of the pills.
 
Charles Foster Kane said:
Hi, I know I´m new here and nobody knows me, sorry to annoy anyone with my problems. I just feel I need to vent a little, maybe at least typing will help a little. This might be long so I apologize in advance.

I don´t know what to do. I just feel so trapped, empty and have pretty much lost all will to anything.

I´m sometimes fine, like yesterday that I was allowed to post here (which is one of the only few sites I visit). Also, watching movies or reading helps me get going.

It´s pathetic, I feel ashamed to even attempt to type this.

To show this isn´t just recent, When I was 15yo my mom found out I was gay. My sister who was jealous of the way my mom treated me, told her I was gay. My sister looked over my things (she never respected other peoples´s belongings) and found some pics I had of guys. She told my mom without even trying to talk to me first, to make her hate me. It devastated me.

My mom, being religious and homophobic, told me repeatedly in tears and yelling that she preferred me dead than gay. She said I was not her son anymore, and lots more. I loved my mom so much, I hated myself. I had to take it back and swear that I was not gay. Surprisingly my sister didn´t continue pushing it, I guess she saw she had done enough damage. I think this is where my social phobia started (yes I have that too); I stopped going out almost completely. That was the first time I considered suicide.

About two years ago my life went down the shitter again, not that it was great, but at least I had prospect. My bf cheated on me and dumped me. He was the only relationship I have ever had (it was very short too). My mom (who in spite of everything was the person I felt the closest to in my life) passed away from a heart attack and I lost my job. So I returned home to live with my dad to give him company and finish my major, but I just ended up shutting myself from society more than ever.

I don´t talk much with my dad anymore. He doesn´t know I´m gay, if he did he wouldn´t understand either and would throw me to the street; my mom never told him of the incident when I was 15, I guess she was ashamed.

On top of that, Dad didn´t even wait a couple of moths after mom died to start dating a neighbor who is my age (26, my dad is 40 older than me). That really afected me too. The girl he is dating, and her family (who live across the street) were always mean to us and my mom. My parent´s relationship had always made me believe there might be true love in life. Now I feel he was cheating on her before she died. I swear he didn´t even wait two months.

Now, my days consist of waking up to just sit in front of the computer and eat. I have no deep relationships with anyone, at least not anymore. The only contact I have with people is when I go to college a couple of days a week, we are nice to each other, but they´re just nice people I know, not friends I can talk to. The college is in the city, 60 kilometers away from the small town I live in. I just can´t bear to be around people anymore. I feel so paranoid and anxious. I am extremely and I mean extremely self-conscious and having gain lots of weight doesn´t help.

I know all of this is just so pathetic and that I am just a parasite who should leave my dad, but I lost the will to do anything let alone get a job.

I guess if I´m honest, I should say that I... I just want to die. but I´m too much of a coward to shoot myself or anything like that. I just started taking pills. Die in quiet desperation I guess. Don´t even have money to get therapy or the guts to tell my dad to help me get therapy.

Thanks to those who read this. I´m sorry for stealing your time.
Click to expand...

I read your post and I just want you to know that in my opinion, the ONLY way you're going to pull yourself out of the hole you're in is to get the FUCK out of your house and do something. If you don't have a job, find a local YMCA and get involved. I used to work for the Y, even if you have no money, they can work with you. You need to get involved with your community in some way and just do something. Go exercise, if you feel really self-conscious go really early and just make a habit of it until you feel comfortable enough to go during peak hours, or take group classes, or even other things. It's easy as hell to meet people, dude.

Your situation is shit, but you're making it like 10000x worse on yourself by sitting on your ass all day and getting fat. Wake the fuck up, bro. I go through serious depression too, but even I know that I need to get out sometimes. If you can't drive, walk. Just figure that shit out before you do something stupid....

If this seems harsh, tough... You need a boot in the ass, and quick!
 
I'm not sure where to start in this thread, as it's been ongoing for some time, so I'll just introduce myself before I start replying to others.

Putting it simply, I've been suffering from manic depression and severe anxiety since my early teens. I'm now in my mid-20's and over the years I've tried pretty much everything commonly used to help with these issues. I've tried various medications, various psychotherapies, group therapy, etc. but nothing has really given me much relief. I have tried to commit suicide multiple times over the years, but lately I don't even have the motivation to do that. I just feel pretty much hopeless.

I tried talking to my parents about it, but I don't think they quite understand what I'm going through. Whenever I bring it up with my father all he says is that I need is more sunshine (whatever that means). My mother on the other hand just reminds me of my responsibilities. Sadly most of the friends have moved away so I spend most of my time alone without much support.

The problem at the moment is that I can't really do much about my life situation because my father had a stroke last year and I had to move back home to take care of him. I also don't have a degree or a trade so I end up taking low end jobs. Not that it matters much as there really aren't many opportunities where I'm living.

At the moment I'm not taking any medications or seeing anyone, but I never found those really helpful anyways. To be honest, the only thing that has ever helped was a combination of meditation and sharing my feelings with others I trust. Meditation in particular was helpful as it allowed me to find a clear state of mind in which to re-evaluate my emotions. The reason I stopped going was because some of the issues that were coming up during those sessions were just too overwhelming. Right now I'm basically waiting for something that will motivate me enough to start doing it again. But I'm incredibly scared.

Anyways, my heart goes out to everyone in this thread facing their own problems. If you're someone who deals with severe depression I know firsthand that it's something you have to work on and live with everyday. I've been meaning to post in this thread for a while now, but I usually stay because the atmosphere can be pretty heavy at times.
 
I'm starting to feel incredibly low tonight, which is the first time in a while. Although every now and again I feel down, tonight things are really hitting me.

I feel so incredibly lost and confused with my life, whether it's my lack of a job, my lack of relationships, my lack of friends, my regrets, how I look... the list goes on and on.

The curse of OCD has ridden me of too much, and to think where I'd be without it is an incredibly sad thing to think of.

Ugh.

I just want to be successful, or rather more to the point happy. In which I'm living a life doing what I want to do, and experiencing what I want to experience.
 
These past few years I've been going through extreme bouts of depression. It started sometime during high school, I don't know what caused it but I basically stopped caring about everything. I quit running track and cross country. My grades started to slip, not because I didn't understand the material but because I stopped caring. Even when I did my work, I wouldn't turn it in.

When I started college it was like a breath of fresh air, a restart I needed. It didn't last particularly long, I've tried incredibly hard to change the parts of me that I feel cause my depression. I have people who consider me a friend, I don't have trouble talking to people either.

Yet, despite that, I feel completely empty. I try to interest myself in things, meet new people, discover things, learn things. None of it helps. Most people think I am incredibly mellow and easy to talk to because of that, but they are mistaken because I basically don't care about anything.

The worst thing is when I'm left in my thoughts. Sometimes it happens when I am alone, sometimes around the people I hang-out with. It doesn't happen as much when I am around other people.

When I'm trapped in my thoughts I re-enact events that have happened, watch people and make inferences about them based on what they do, say or who they are with, other times I think about the future events what I will do or say how people will respond.

I am extremely good at reading people and situations. So almost all the time I can guess correctly at what they will do or say in certain events. It makes me sick, because I feel like I manipulate people because of that.

I've become good at shutting off all my thoughts though, and listening to music helps a lot. It gives me something to lose myself in.

Breaks are the worst though, whenever I go home all the progress I make vanishes. I feel trapped and incredibly alone. Last summer my grandfather died from cancer, he was the only family member who understood me even though we never talked much. Since he died I find myself having more episodes of depression, which is odd since we weren't extremely close. He once told me," Don't worry about what you do, mistakes can be a good thing." That was my freshman year.

Anyways my depression got really bad end of Sophomore year. During finals week I woke up for my calc exam, but I just laid in bed, awake. I just didn't care if I failed or passed, Calc is easy for me. I even wrote my final paper for my newswritting class, but I never turned it in.

I'm bored of everything. The only time I get excited is when someone tries to pick a fight with me or I get in a situation where a fight will start. But it's annoying since they always back-off. I don't actively try to starts fights though but when someone tries to fight me, I'll break them. I studied a lot of different martial arts and they all came to me easy. The rush of adrenaline is nice.



----

I want to change though desperately, for one person. She's always been there for me and she is the one person I can talk to. I don't want to rely on her like that anymore though, it isn't fair to her. Right now I'm weak, and can only hold her while she cries and tells me she loves me. The only thing I can say is I'm always here.

One thing she told me what made me want to change more than anything else. In high-school she she tried to kill herself, she OD on pills. The worst thing is her brother walked in on her collapsed on the floor dying and he just left her there without telling anyone. Luckily someone else found her.

But that is my reason for wanting to change, to be there for her
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

Not really depressed...
2
50
3K
Valedix replied
  • Poll
Are modern filmmakers depressed?
2
55
3K
John Bilbo replied
My bread is depressed...
21
2K
Alebrije replied
TikTok is depressing.
2
91
10K
tamago84 replied
  • Locked
The Onlyfans generation: 13 year old left depressed and suicidal as classmates taunt him with mums nudes
16
6K
jason10mm replied
Top Bottom