Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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I remember myself thinking that 19 years is too late, lol.

it's never too late, folks.
yeah and never simply accept it to be your fate either. I got trapped in that line of thinking for a long time. Hell, not even getting intimate with a woman got rid of that mind prison, as crazy as it sounds.
 
Posting her photos for everyone to "judge" is probably the weirdest part. She put them online of course but I don't think she had this in mind.

And honestly having a meltdown at each rejection? Yeah some people are douchebags, welcome to earth. If you're confident and a decent bloke why even bother with the meltdown and posting her on a forum for members to circle jerk about how much of an asshole she probably is and you're better off. I don't know her. I don't presume to know what was said or what's going on in her life that she decided to stop talking to antitype. I suggest just moving on and spending your time positively, by finding new connections. All this focusing on how someone else failed you is missing the point, especially since you are the common denominator.


*general you
 
Glad to hear it :) His channel seems alright too. And I agree, I didn't get a single tip on birds and bees growing up, so this is definitely something I intend to pass on. My children won't have the same youth as I did.

I mean...the advice he gives is definitely angled more toward the man ("fuck her" and so forth), but he's encouraging men to literally give women what they want and saying things like 50/50 is the way to be, which is pretty much the advice echoed on this thread (most of the time).

It's gold, and it's not even dirty gold.
 
And honestly having a meltdown at each rejection? Yeah some people are douchebags, welcome to earth. If you're confident and a decent bloke why even bother with the meltdown and posting her on a forum for members to circle jerk about how much of an asshole she probably is and you're better off. I don't know her. I don't presume to know what was said or what's going on in her life that she decided to stop talking to antitype. I suggest just moving on and spending your time positively, by finding new connections. All this focusing on how someone else failed you is missing the point, especially since you are the common denominator.


*general you

It says a lot more about him than her. That he would be this butthurt at a woman he doesn't even know who simply doesn't respond to his continual messages on a dating website is laughable and sad. And yea, posting her pictures on a message board really showed her... rather, showed everyone here how mad he is that he was rejected by a stranger.
 
And honestly having a meltdown at each rejection? Yeah some people are douchebags, welcome to earth. If you're confident and a decent bloke why even bother with the meltdown and posting her on a forum for members to circle jerk about how much of an asshole she probably is and you're better off. I don't know her. I don't presume to know what was said or what's going on in her life that she decided to stop talking to antitype. I suggest just moving on and spending your time positively, by finding new connections. All this focusing on how someone else failed you is missing the point, especially since you are the common denominator.


*general you
Very true. I recently found a girl online that I've seen at the local clubs and she's shown interest irl (to my surprise, out of my league and all that crap) but after a two poorly written word reply to my message, she's clearly been ignoring me. I'm not upset over it, she showed her true colors and better I find out sooner rather than later :)

I mean...the advice he gives is definitely angled more toward the man ("fuck her" and so forth), but he's encouraging men to literally give women what they want and saying things like 50/50 is the way to be, which is pretty much the advice echoed on this thread (most of the time).

It's gold, and it's not even dirty gold.
He obviously phrased it like that to make an impact and put on a good show and didn't mean anything hurtful with it but I get what you're talking about. Glad to see people liked it :D He'll be on Brent Smith's live stream on Sunday to answer questions.

Here:
http://www.vokle.com/events/71967-brent-smith-live
 
Very true. I recently found a girl online that I've seen at the local clubs and she's shown interest irl (to my surprise, out of my league and all that crap) but after a two poorly written word reply to my message, she's clearly been ignoring me. I'm not upset over it, she showed her true colors and better I find out sooner rather than later :)

He obviously phrased it like that to make an impact and put on a good show and didn't mean anything hurtful with it but I get what you're talking about. Glad to see people liked it :D He'll be on Brent Smith's live stream on Sunday to answer questions.

Something that I don't understand, why is the phrase 'showed her/his true colors' used so frequently in this thread? We're not talking about people who you folks are already in a relationship with who suddenly decided they didn't want to date you. We're talking about strangers for the most part who simply aren't responding to your messages. I don't know if thats showing true colors as much as its just not responding to messages. Sorry, the phrase just is odd to me in the context its frequently used in.
 
The golden rule that one must follow on dating sites is to not take things personal even if you exchange a few messages you barely know them.
 
While I disagree with his method, I don't think we should be bashing on The Antitype for what he did. This particular thread should be a place where people can feel free from being judged and criticized over whatever issues they have.

Yes, what he did was quite wrong. I think Antitype should delete the pics of the girl and leave it at that.
 
While I disagree with his method, I don't think we should be bashing on The Antitype for what he did. This particular thread should be a place where people can feel free from being judged and criticized over whatever issues they have.

Yes, what he did was quite wrong. I think Antitype should delete the pics of the girl and leave it at that.

I disagree. If you do something that is dumb you should be criticized for it. It's one of the ways we learn.
 
I object to this part, partially. You can want a relationship, but if you go to a girl thinking you want that relationship before you know her very well, that's a mistake. Cart before the horse.

But the things a relationship has, coming home to someone, cuddles, sharing a bed, family, all that security is something a person can want. Not everyone wants a life of fucking around and hanging out with friends.

Exactly.

And i don't expect an automatic relationship with every girl i see. Thats impossible. I know you have to build towards it.

It was literally only hard in my head. You too will see when you get it. I had friends tell me and I didn't believe it until I actually got laid. It will really change your mind on what all of it is like.
Well at 28 it's hard to think of it anything other than an impossible task. And not just the getting laid part. I get what your saying though.


Minamu said:
As much as the virgins complain about it, it really isn't such a big deal. I used to think the same way, most of us probably did, and I've smacked myself silly since then over how much I cared about it. Saying it isn't a big deal isn't going to help anyone not fret over it though. Some things you gotta realize on your own, it seems.

There's conflicting views about this. One that was told to me was that after i get it im going to be wondering what the hell have i been been doing all this time.

Samething with sex in general. Some say it's overrated, others say is amazing.
 
Something that I don't understand, why is the phrase 'showed her/his true colors' used so frequently. The phrase just is odd to me in the context its frequently used in.
It's incorrectly used as a way to save face or soften a blow psychologically "oh she was fake anyway so she was in the wrong".

Whatever her deal was she wasn't interested. No need for the bruises or analysis. Brush your shoulders off and continue.
 
It was literally only hard in my head. You too will see when you get it. I had friends tell me and I didn't believe it until I actually got laid. It will really change your mind on what all of it is like.
Actually, it doesn't. At least not in my case. I got laid for the first time last year, and then a couple of times more. This year I'm back to square one, having zero female friends, feeling pretty down and 100% certain I'll never be with another girl.

I agree that it may change your mind, or point of view or whatever for a while, specially during the time when your sexual life is active. But spend a couple of months or a year not having any contact with women (outside of your family), and you'll forget what that feelings were like.
 
Something that I don't understand, why is the phrase 'showed her/his true colors' used so frequently in this thread? We're not talking about people who you folks are already in a relationship with who suddenly decided they didn't want to date you. We're talking about strangers for the most part who simply aren't responding to your messages. I don't know if thats showing true colors as much as its just not responding to messages. Sorry, the phrase just is odd to me in the context its frequently used in.
Can't say I've noticed this. I meant it in a screening process sort of way I suppose. She didn't pass my filters for what I'm looking for (except being drop dead gorgeous but so what) and I apparently didn't pass hers either. It's no big deal :) I wouldn't go as far as saying it isn't rude behaviour though. It's basically a lesser version of this in a way.
 
I think high school and college is where you have the most chance of finding a girl. But in high school i never really got any attention anyway. And i never went to college.

Yeah good thing I'm done with both already! The hardest part for me is to care enough to get out there and start really looking. I mean I've already created an okc but all of that insecurity always gets to me.
 
I don't get women... I was going out with this chick, it was all fine, then suddenly she just stops replying to my messages.

Wtf, she could at least tell me wtf happened...
 
Turns out one of the girls I've been talking to for a couple of days was a fraud trying to set up a friend with blind dates. And I was actually getting kinda hooked on this one. But who was I getting hooked on? Not sure what to think right now.
 
stepping one foot outside will always be your most chance at finding somebody.... get all this garbage out of your head

yeah, sure but, it's kinda true.....college really is the most conducive environment on earth for meeting women. :/
 
yeah, sure but, it's kinda true.....college really is the most conducive environment on earth for meeting women. :/

Schools in general are. People of similar ages and backgrounds forced to be in each others presences for many hours a day for months at at time? Yeah, that will produce the most results probably.
 
Few months back, my girlfriend came on skype crying, sobbing, telling me that her male friend, who will be named "Martin", touched her, tried having sex. She was drinking, and she made out with him, but didn't have sex.

I supported her, helped her, forgave her.

Just last night, our mutual friend tells me she really did have sex with Martin. She told our friend because she "didn't want to ruin our relationship" - that's why she didn't tell me she had no sex with this Martin.

I'm pissed I had to find out this way, that she couldn't show loyalty, and respect.

I talked to my girlfriend for hours last night, told her I forgave her.

- - Long distant relationship. We were together for a month, not one mention of this guy. She goes back to her city and continues to see this guy when I am not around.

Makes me feel sometimes she will drop me, and have this backup boyfriend.


What's laughable about this is, as I was finding out this information, she was out playing pool with Martin last night.

She swears she will never see him again, and that she loves me.

- Oh, and I am on the verge of making a life choice of moving out to her country, dropping everything I have to be with her. Friends, family, my job, everything.

I forgave her, want to be with her. I love my girlfriend but I still question it, and have an upset stomach.

Everything was going perfect. My family loves her, had this plan of moving to be with her,)still doing it, but christ sakes.)

I will bring this up to her again today. Just wanted to see GAF's responses, if I get any.

sorry I'm frustrated, on my lunch break, and I have to work a few more hours, and talk with her. this is on my mind and it sucks :/

Thank you all for your replys and thoughts. GAF always helps.

I talked to her today, I forgave her. She says she wont talk or hang out with "Martin" anymore.

All day it felt like I had baggage left over, stomach having a tight knot in it, shacking, weak - even though I forgave her for what she did.

That feeling is gone now. I do have images of her and this guy in my head and it's sickening.. It's hard for me to even picture her holding hands with another man. How do I stop this? Just keep talking to her, remember the times we had, and our future together?

I am fully committed to leaving everything behind and being with her.

I won't get to see her again for 3 months from today. She says we'll get through it together, but man, I don't know if I can take much more.
 
Thank you all for your replys and thoughts. GAF always helps.

I talked to her today, I forgave her. She says she wont talk or hang out with "Martin" anymore.

All day it felt like I had baggage left over, stomach having a tight knot in it, shacking, weak - even though I forgave her for what she did.

I am fully committed to leaving everything behind and being with her.

I won't get to see her again for 3 months from today. She says we'll get through it together, but man, I don't know if I can take much more.

That's right, you forgive her for every indiscretion. For sure she neeeever tell you about it again, I mean...never do it again.
 
Thank you all for your replys and thoughts. GAF always helps.

I talked to her today, I forgave her. She says she wont talk or hang out with "Martin" anymore.

All day it felt like I had baggage left over, stomach having a tight knot in it, shacking, weak - even though I forgave her for what she did.

That feeling is gone now. I do have images of her and this guy in my head and it's sickening.. It's hard for me to even picture her holding hands with another man. How do I stop this? Just keep talking to her, remember the times we had, and our future together?

I am fully committed to leaving everything behind and being with her.

I won't get to see her again for 3 months from today. She says we'll get through it together, but man, I don't know if I can take much more.

DO NOT MOVE HOUSE TO BE WITH THIS WOMAN OMG FOR CHRIST'S SAKE THINK ABOUT THIS WITH YOUR BIG HEAD
 
Thank you all for your replys and thoughts. GAF always helps.

I talked to her today, I forgave her. She says she wont talk or hang out with "Martin" anymore.

All day it felt like I had baggage left over, stomach having a tight knot in it, shacking, weak - even though I forgave her for what she did.

That feeling is gone now. I do have images of her and this guy in my head and it's sickening.. It's hard for me to even picture her holding hands with another man. How do I stop this? Just keep talking to her, remember the times we had, and our future together?

I am fully committed to leaving everything behind and being with her.

I won't get to see her again for 3 months from today. She says we'll get through it together, but man, I don't know if I can take much more.

Know what she learned from this? That she can cheat on you and be forgiven. Good luck with that. And you're going to move to another country to be with her? Oy vey...
 
Thank you all for your replys and thoughts. GAF always helps.

I talked to her today, I forgave her. She says she wont talk or hang out with "Martin" anymore.

All day it felt like I had baggage left over, stomach having a tight knot in it, shacking, weak - even though I forgave her for what she did.

That feeling is gone now. I do have images of her and this guy in my head and it's sickening.. It's hard for me to even picture her holding hands with another man. How do I stop this? Just keep talking to her, remember the times we had, and our future together?

I am fully committed to leaving everything behind and being with her.

I won't get to see her again for 3 months from today. She says we'll get through it together, but man, I don't know if I can take much more.

smh
 
Thank you all for your replys and thoughts. GAF always helps.

I talked to her today, I forgave her. She says she wont talk or hang out with "Martin" anymore.

All day it felt like I had baggage left over, stomach having a tight knot in it, shacking, weak - even though I forgave her for what she did.

That feeling is gone now. I do have images of her and this guy in my head and it's sickening.. It's hard for me to even picture her holding hands with another man. How do I stop this? Just keep talking to her, remember the times we had, and our future together?

I am fully committed to leaving everything behind and being with her.

I won't get to see her again for 3 months from today. She says we'll get through it together, but man, I don't know if I can take much more.

Alright man, listen up.

I know how that feels. I've been there. Had my nest friend sleep with my GF. You know how I handled it? I punched him in the face and never talked to either of them again. Ever. It hurt like hell, but I felt better after a while.
There were times I wanted to forgive her, of course. I was in love.
When a person disrespects you as much as she has done to you, by betraying your trust and giving in, it shows how little respect she has for you as a person. She may be convincing, even to herself, about how sorry she is. It really doesn't matter.
You need to cut her off. Rip the band aid off, you will find someone who doesn't take you for granted and sleep with other guys. I mean, she even lied about the act itself.

Trust me, this is for your own well being. Don't be a doormat, stand up for yourself. Cut her off, don't speak again at least for a few months, then see how you feel. It's going to be hard getting the fact that she was fucking another dude out of your head. Understand that. She willingly fucked another guy. She knew what she was doing. Dump her ass, you deserve better.
 
That is good advice. OddSpoon, if you are not comfortable with open relationships, DROP this girl. I mean, like a fucking red hot clump of lava just drop it. She does NOT respect you. You WILL be cheated on again and again. So if you do not like that idea, cut her out like a tumor.
 
And dropping her won't be easy, but if you're struggling with the mental image of her holding hands with another man, wait until you start picturing her with a mouth full of Martin.
 
And dropping her won't be easy, but if you're struggling with the mental image of her holding hands with another man, wait until you start picturing her with a mouth full of Martin.

It just makes it easier to hate her for it, which makes it easier to use distractions like working out and getting over her. Shit is painful, but he needs to have more respect for himself and drop her.
 
Regarding messages, if a girl doesn't reply once, I'm done.
I'll leave it to her to get back to me with 'my phone was broken' or whatever but if this is a couple of days later then I still can't be bothered anymore tbh.
I thought I was being a little harsh but ehhh life's too short.
If I'm interested in somebody then I'm anticipating their every message and can't wait to reply. If they're not the same way then fuck it.

Well the Antitype is sure as mature as you could assume from his previous posts.

Wow this post scrambled my brain for a second!

I kinda thought that..... you two were the same person :lol
 
Well at 28 it's hard to think of it anything other than an impossible task. And not just the getting laid part. I get what your saying though.

There's conflicting views about this. One that was told to me was that after i get it im going to be wondering what the hell have i been been doing all this time.

Samething with sex in general. Some say it's overrated, others say is amazing.

I started later than you.

And as far as sex I've had 'overrated' sex and 'amazing' sex, it depends on the person and you.

Actually, it doesn't. At least not in my case. I got laid for the first time last year, and then a couple of times more. This year I'm back to square one, having zero female friends, feeling pretty down and 100% certain I'll never be with another girl.

I agree that it may change your mind, or point of view or whatever for a while, specially during the time when your sexual life is active. But spend a couple of months or a year not having any contact with women (outside of your family), and you'll forget what that feelings were like.

For me it was like flipping a coin. Well, not so quickly. But within <1 year I went from 'it will never ever ever happen for me' to getting it and getting it again.

Everyone goes back to square one, you did it before and you can do it again. Why should you view it negatively?

Yeah in my case I built up a large base very quickly. I have a lot of close female friends, some girls I dated and a few that were always in relationships as long as I knew them. So even though I had a gap where I didn't have sex for 3 months (after my last sexual relationship ended, and I decided to get the full STD test anyways) I never ever thought it'd 'never happen again', that just doesn't make sense. And yeah I'm back in it now. Try to think about it rationally, don't let your negativity take over.

So if I were to suggest anything to you I'd recommend making female friends, that way you don't get too rusty. Meet lots and lots of girls.
 
I don't get women... I was going out with this chick, it was all fine, then suddenly she just stops replying to my messages.

Wtf, she could at least tell me wtf happened...

I got a lot of those. It's not worth worrying about. If you can't get any info just move on and find another who is less crazy / better for you.

Turns out one of the girls I've been talking to for a couple of days was a fraud trying to set up a friend with blind dates. And I was actually getting kinda hooked on this one. But who was I getting hooked on? Not sure what to think right now.

One always gets hooked on their idea of who someone is, and that's something you can never completely learn. People have these simple, perfect ideas of the others in their lives (guys and girls) and sometimes they're genuine and sometimes they're dead wrong...

Any chance the blind date girl might actually be good? Just a wild idea...
 
Regarding messages, if a girl doesn't reply once, I'm done.
I'll leave it to her to get back to me with 'my phone was broken' or whatever but if this is a couple of days later then I still can't be bothered anymore tbh.
I thought I was being a little harsh but ehhh life's too short.
If I'm interested in somebody then I'm anticipating their every message and can't wait to reply. If they're not the same way then fuck it.

That's not a bad way to do it. Why would you bother if they didn't reply?

I know what it's like to really like someone and for them to leave you hanging. But you'll find someone you really like that does reply, or even messages you more than you her. It's literally not worth worrying about because if things don't work for both of you there's not a future there anyways.


Also, I'm going to try not to make 3 posts in the future... sorry...
 
Aaaah, this sucks. I'm stuck fighting off the part of me that wants to believe this thing is going to fall apart, even though things went well on Sunday. The problem is, I have nothing that indicates that things are going to take a turn for the worse (the two of us are still texting at a pretty regular rate, a few times a day), so I don't know what could be causing it. Any advice besides "Take your mind off that and don't worry," GAF?
 
For me it was like flipping a coin. Well, not so quickly. But within <1 year I went from 'it will never ever ever happen for me' to getting it and getting it again.

Everyone goes back to square one, you did it before and you can do it again. Why should you view it negatively?

Yeah in my case I built up a large base very quickly. I have a lot of close female friends, some girls I dated and a few that were always in relationships as long as I knew them. So even though I had a gap where I didn't have sex for 3 months (after my last sexual relationship ended, and I decided to get the full STD test anyways) I never ever thought it'd 'never happen again', that just doesn't make sense. And yeah I'm back in it now. Try to think about it rationally, don't let your negativity take over.

So if I were to suggest anything to you I'd recommend making female friends, that way you don't get too rusty. Meet lots and lots of girls.
I wish it was as easy as you say, I really do. I'm shy as fuck, and find it difficult to start talking to new people, specially women. I don't know how to start a conversation, what to talk about, what to say and what not, how to avoid being a fool, and that kind of things.

I think that one of the reasons I currently feel this way is because last year was my best when it came to social life. I met a group of really cool and nice people, including the girl I ended up sleeping with, and had a great time for a while. But this year all that is gone: the guys don't talk to me anymore (never found out why), I got really angry with the girl for a couple of reasons and decided to never talk to her again, and I almost never see my high school friends because they are pretty busy nowadays. It depresses me to think how low I have fallen when comparing today to the past year. And that makes me even less motivated to go and meet people, and further increases my negativity.
 
I wish it was as easy as you say, I really do. I'm shy as fuck, and find it difficult to start talking to new people, specially women. I don't know how to start a conversation, what to talk about, what to say and what not, how to avoid being a fool, and that kind of things.

I think that one of the reasons I currently feel this way is because last year was my best when it came to social life. I met a group of really cool and nice people, including the girl I ended up sleeping with, and had a great time for a while. But this year all that is gone: the guys don't talk to me anymore (never found out why), I got really angry with the girl for a couple of reasons and decided to never talk to her again, and I almost never see my high school friends because they are pretty busy nowadays. It depresses me to think how low I have fallen when comparing today to the past year. And that makes me even less motivated to go and meet people, and further increases my negativity.

Well you're going to have to just cut off the negative cycle then. Because people will drop out of your life, but you could be putting new people in your life too. You learn conversations and all that stuff by experience. You have to get out there and 'do', not just think about it. It doesn't have to be as scary as you make it out to be.

Find people in multiple groups and keep adding people to your life until you really really don't need any more.

Yeah, you want to make progress, but didn't you grow as a person when you went through all that? This is the most important point.


Aaaah, this sucks. I'm stuck fighting off the part of me that wants to believe this thing is going to fall apart, even though things went well on Sunday. The problem is, I have nothing that indicates that things are going to take a turn for the worse (the two of us are still texting at a pretty regular rate, a few times a day), so I don't know what could be causing it. Any advice besides "Take your mind off that and don't worry," GAF?

I mean, realistically, things do fall apart often. I think it may be helpful to somehow temper your hopes. I don't mean get depressed, but realize you just met this person and don't put so much stock in her if things go good or bad. Try to realize there are other girls out there.

I know I feel happier the less I emotionally invest in any singular person (not having been in an official relationship yet).

Otherwise you're just going to have to take your mind off it, because even if you have lots of sex and you get in a relationship and get married things aren't going to be changed, really.

Realize there's more to your life than this one person.
 
I mean, realistically, things do fall apart often. I think it may be helpful to somehow temper your hopes. I don't mean get depressed, but realize you just met this person and don't put so much stock in her if things go good or bad. Try to realize there are other girls out there.

I know I feel happier the less I emotionally invest in any singular person (not having been in an official relationship yet).

Otherwise you're just going to have to take your mind off it, because even if you have lots of sex and you get in a relationship and get married things aren't going to be changed, really.

Realize there's more to your life than this one person.

Yeah that much I know. :) I guess the problem is that as much as I fight my old demons and have them under control, I still haven't totally exorcised them and they're trying to get a stranglehold on me again. But I'm fighting to keep them where they are at the moment.

EDIT: Think I'm just overthinking things, gonna try to relax. :)
 
Well you're going to have to just cut off the negative cycle then. Because people will drop out of your life, but you could be putting new people in your life too. You learn conversations and all that stuff by experience. You have to get out there and 'do', not just think about it. It doesn't have to be as scary as you make it out to be.

Find people in multiple groups and keep adding people to your life until you really really don't need any more.

Yeah, you want to make progress, but didn't you grow as a person when you went through all that? This is the most important point.
Yes, you're right. Negativity and depression doesn't take you anywhere. Don't know how or where I'll find those people, but I shouldn't give up, or think I'll always be like this. And yes, there's always something new to learn, from experience and all that. Thank you for your advice, I'll try and make good use of it :)
 
OddSpoon

Dude. Dude. Dude. Have some dignity and pride!!! Don't do this to yourself, seriously. Do you know what will happen from here? She'll just fuck other guys WITHOUT TELLING YOU!!! You're in love, I get that. It hurts like a bitch when it doesn't go your way. Most of us have been there, myself included. But you MUST be reasonable about this.

I honestly don't know what else to say. If I were next to you I'd bitch the living hell out of you. My friend, you need to stand up for yourself. She does not love you. End of story.

I hope you make the right choice.
 
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