I'm an expert
Formerly worldrevolution. The only reason I am nice to anyone else is to avoid being banned.
You were at a party, having a good time, and your "friends" had an issue with it? Was this party being thrown by the cockblockers club?
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
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SquiddyCracker
Banned
Pretty much.
Don't force yourself and the other person into an awkward situation, which pretty much removes the whole train/bus approach out of the equation (you can't really easily remove yourself from the situation once you've propositioned, as you're either stuck next to her if the bus is full or still on the same bus).
Just use some common sense.
Coffeshop, and other social venues, are more suitable for trying to open up a conversation.
stn
Member
Absolutely. Go do what makes you happiest, that way nothing will be forced. HOWEVER, its always good to try things that you may not like; operating out of your comfort zone is important (something I need to work on).
At this point its good for you to meet both guys and girls, just make sure you're patient. There can be many failures but also many successes! Congrats on finishing law school, I'm starting myself in one week.
HappyBivouac
Member
Yeah what kind of party was this? Was it extremely small? When I was in college 3/4 of the dance floor was making out and most of them were probably random strangers.
So since I finished with my girlfriend last week I've been feeling really shitty and I can't seem to get myself out of it. The situation is a nightmare in the fact that we work together, directly, every day (yeah i know, should never have got together in the first place) and the fact that we're having to go on a holiday in 3 weeks time that we can't cancel at the risk of losing all the money we both paid for it.
On the one side of things, I don't want her to think she's got to me that bad, makes me look less needy and all that which I understand. On the other side of things I don;t want her to think that what she did was cool and let her brush it off without any responsibilty like she does with everything in her life.
I'm in the process of trying to get a new job as soon as possible (something I was trying to do before we split anyway) and we are being civil at work but its very hard for me to do that and I know as soon as she gets another boyfriend, it's gonna hurt a lot. I would rather I never had to talk to her again but I can't with all of the other situations involved at this point in time.
Any advice or anything would be appreciated.
On the one side of things, I don't want her to think she's got to me that bad, makes me look less needy and all that which I understand. On the other side of things I don;t want her to think that what she did was cool and let her brush it off without any responsibilty like she does with everything in her life.
I'm in the process of trying to get a new job as soon as possible (something I was trying to do before we split anyway) and we are being civil at work but its very hard for me to do that and I know as soon as she gets another boyfriend, it's gonna hurt a lot. I would rather I never had to talk to her again but I can't with all of the other situations involved at this point in time.
Any advice or anything would be appreciated.
There were probably around 30-40 people hanging out at a friend's house.
I'm 21 and my friends are all college aged.
ymoc
Member
The situation is a bad one, I sypmathize. I would lie if I said I knew what would make it better, and saying things like "go hang out with your buddies and drink the sadness away" or "bang a hot chick" might not do the trick in this case (or would it?).
On the other hand I have a question about the bolded:
Do you seriously HAVE to go on that trip with her?
Is losing that money worse than going through a potential emotional torture?
Have you perhaps considered offering the ticket\accomodation to someone else, like selling it with a discount to a friend or maybe even someone else entirely?
replytoall
Neo Member
Unrelated to the above post: I have a question primarily for the guys on dating-age. Background: I'm a 23-year-old straight woman. My three-and-a-half-year relationship with my previous boyfriend ended a few months ago, and I'm not prepared just yet to enter the dating pool.
I met a male friend-of-a-friend at a party a few weeks ago; the party was full of science grad students who knew each other, so it wasn't exactly a crowd looking for hookups. We talked for a while and he gave me his business card, and I contacted him by e-mail to get involved in a group hiking trip that he'd mentioned that he was planning. During the exchange, he asked me out for drinks, and I accepted. Naively, I assumed the invite was platonic. A few of my friends hid their eye-rolls long enough to tell me to assume that one-on-one guy/girl meetups for coffee, drinks, etc. are never proposed platonically, so I shouldn't accept if I'm not interested in the dude. Before I get accused of being a cocktease playing dumb about guys' intentions, I should add that although I guess you could call me reasonably attractive, I don't dress or make up my face like a slut and I'm unmistakably un-flirtatious (although hopefully I still seem friendly!).
So, guys, my questions: for a girl in my situation, is there any polite, honest way to permanently decline an ambiguous maybe-date after having accepted? Obviously, an initial, honest "no thanks" is best. (I get that I was naive for having accepted in the first place, so you can skip the mockery re: that part.) Can an invite from a guy to a girl for coffee/drinks/whatever ever be perceived as platonic, at least in your early-to mid-20s?
I know the situation isn't all that interesting, but I figured it was worth asking about anyway.
I met a male friend-of-a-friend at a party a few weeks ago; the party was full of science grad students who knew each other, so it wasn't exactly a crowd looking for hookups. We talked for a while and he gave me his business card, and I contacted him by e-mail to get involved in a group hiking trip that he'd mentioned that he was planning. During the exchange, he asked me out for drinks, and I accepted. Naively, I assumed the invite was platonic. A few of my friends hid their eye-rolls long enough to tell me to assume that one-on-one guy/girl meetups for coffee, drinks, etc. are never proposed platonically, so I shouldn't accept if I'm not interested in the dude. Before I get accused of being a cocktease playing dumb about guys' intentions, I should add that although I guess you could call me reasonably attractive, I don't dress or make up my face like a slut and I'm unmistakably un-flirtatious (although hopefully I still seem friendly!).
So, guys, my questions: for a girl in my situation, is there any polite, honest way to permanently decline an ambiguous maybe-date after having accepted? Obviously, an initial, honest "no thanks" is best. (I get that I was naive for having accepted in the first place, so you can skip the mockery re: that part.) Can an invite from a guy to a girl for coffee/drinks/whatever ever be perceived as platonic, at least in your early-to mid-20s?
I know the situation isn't all that interesting, but I figured it was worth asking about anyway.
GAF, how do I get the mind set where I don't constantly think my girlfriend is flirting or cheating on me?
- Long distance relationship
- She cheated on me two months ago
- I was a "loner" in high school, land this amazing girl and she quickly becomes my best friend, and now girlfriend (Think this may be part of the problem, never had a sense of comradeship with anyone in my life and she has had one prior boyfriend)
I love her, but I can't help myself to have these thoughts.
Don't need "drop her" "let the chick go" comments, just anything besides that please. This thread helps immensely and I always follow.
- Long distance relationship
- She cheated on me two months ago
- I was a "loner" in high school, land this amazing girl and she quickly becomes my best friend, and now girlfriend (Think this may be part of the problem, never had a sense of comradeship with anyone in my life and she has had one prior boyfriend)
I love her, but I can't help myself to have these thoughts.
Don't need "drop her" "let the chick go" comments, just anything besides that please. This thread helps immensely and I always follow.
The fact that he gave you his business card and then later asked you out shows it most likely is because he has a dating interest with you.
So if you are not looking for that with him, I would just politely tell him you can no longer make it to your planned time together since something else has come up. If he tries to reschedule then just explain that your schedule is pretty busy and "we'll see" or something to that effect.
As a 23 year old guy here, I would rather have a girl cancel our "date" together and bail out rather than actually go on it with her and later find out she was never interested in dating with me to begin with.
I'm not going to say what's in your last few sentences, even though that's what you need to hear.
Instead I'll propose some questions to you.
How can you love someone that you obviously can't even trust? Part of loving someone is trusting them. You can't love someone and then constantly fear they're cheating on you. Either you trust them or you don't.
It's your first relationship. It's common to get attached and not want to let go. You need to really evaluate the relationship and see if it's really worth it. Is she putting the same effort in as you, etc...
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
Yeah, you do need those comments, because you will never stop thinking that once she's done it.
I don't doubt that you love her, but I also bet that you're more afraid to be alone and that's why you're still with her.
Not like I'm an authority on such things but honestly - if they're both single - no.
I think you're going to need to be quite frank with him. you could attempt to get out of the "date" some other way, but I reckon he'll appreciate you being direct.
That could be it. Being alone was all I had ever known, so it was endurable - but come into play, life with my girlfriend, experiencing comradeship, sex, relationship, someone to share feelings with and so on, a return back to loneliness would be extremely painful and devastating.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
We've all been there. Multiple times. It's the worst. It triggers the same things in our bodies and mind as the death of someone close.
But it's better to deal with that and find someone that respects you and that you'll never have to be suspicious of than to stick around with a cheater because you like getting their attention. You'll make it through.
Well said.
Devolution
Member
You have to ask yourself if her company is worth the constant doubt in your mind about whether she's staying faithful. I doubt it is worth it in most cases but a bunch of people manage to do it.
Question.
So I split with my ex of 3 years about 5ish months ago. I've pretty much known that one of her friends crushed on me and and she knew it. I ran into her randomly about a week ago and had an awkwardish conversation. It ended with her saying she would message me her number on Facebook. Well. Never got that message. I'll be a bit honest, she definitely is my type but I have the feeling she feels weird about the situation. Something I should do or just leave it alone?
So I split with my ex of 3 years about 5ish months ago. I've pretty much known that one of her friends crushed on me and and she knew it. I ran into her randomly about a week ago and had an awkwardish conversation. It ended with her saying she would message me her number on Facebook. Well. Never got that message. I'll be a bit honest, she definitely is my type but I have the feeling she feels weird about the situation. Something I should do or just leave it alone?
I appreciate your advice and it'd be awkward to PM you out of nowhere but I'm pretty sure you remember me and I've had a lot of relationship issues so can I bitch to you?
Words of wisdom from you and the rest of GAF, as always.
I keep telling myself that once I eliminate the long distance part, and remain optimistic everything will be alright. GAF helps also.
So, I've got some good news about this girl. If you read on from that post (for a few pages), you'll see most of GAF telling me to forget her and move on. I'm so glad that I ignored GAF. We've been on 3 dates and they've been amazingSo, I'm back again with some good news this timeSo, literally the afternoon after my date (that resulted in there not being a 2nd date) another girl on OkCupid responded to my message. We chatted back and forth for a few hours, and a bunch today. She then gave me her # so that we could text. Here's one of her last messages
"Yeahhh living at home is probably always quieter than living in a dorm lol. Well so far I like Springfield, although I'm only taking part time classes. But I enjoy them and I like the people that are in my classesThat's great that you enjoy Hartford so much! You make it sound pretty great
Also it's great to have people around who you can talk to forever about what you love to do lol. I like talking to you
"
My response
"That's awesome that you like Springfield
Her response
"How about we compromise and I get off here, but give you my phone number so that we can text instead
We then texted back and forth for over an hour
She even told her parents about me She's also coming to my town this weekend (after I drove to Springfield for the first 3 dates). We're just completely comfortable around each other. We exclusive but, neither of us are ready to use labels yet. We talk every day and Skype a few times during the week. I haven't been this happy in a loooooong time Great success!
I get a text about 10 minutes before we are supposed to meet, saying that she thinks her car was stolen and that we'd have to reschedule. I was sad, but I've been bailed on before, so I figured if it was just an excuse to get out of the date, then so be it. However, about 30 minutes later, it turned out she had actually parked it in a totally different place than she usually does, and she asked me if I was still willing to meet.
We meet at Starbucks and stay for about an hour, at which point they close. We stand around outside, because we're not ready for the date to end, and finally decide to go to a restaurant nearby. We have some food and still aren't ready to go home, so we walk around, sit down and talk for another 2-3 hours. She's just as fun to talk to in person as in text, and we are really enjoying each other. We do some kissing at her car and agree to end the date, as long as we see each other tomorrow night.
I had school work to do tonight, but that went out the window. Oh well!
guys guys guys
this is working out pretty well
We spent the next 2 nights together hanging out until 2am or later. I am really quite happy right now. Since my big breakup last summer, I had "lowered my standards" in a way, trying to expand my horizons past what my ex was and not looking for the perfect match in every girl. In many ways that was a great idea, and it really helped me be less desperate for what went missing after a 3.5 year relationship... but this girl is the real deal.
I am trying not to get disproportionately invested or move too quickly, but she is enjoying me as much as I do her and responding at the same level emotionally as me, which is amazing. Yes, it's early, but I'm super excited about where this is going.
And I wouldn't have had the confidence to be myself on that first date (and beyond) if it weren't for all the progress I've made, thanks in large part to this thread. When I think about where I was a year ago, it amazes me how much things have changed.
We both looked into having one of our names changed on the tickets/hotel but it would end up costing nearly the same amount as the holiday itself and we can't find anyone with that kinda money or time in October. On top of that, it would probably make the work situation even more of a nightmare.
As for trying to find things to do, when I'm down the gym and I get into the right mindset, it does help however I struggle to find that motivation. I know I need to find a hobby or something but just can't seem to come up with anything.
Moz La Punk
Member
And after two years I'm single again. I guess its not as bad as the previous relationship, where she cheated on my after 9 years. But its still not fun. Meh.
There's a few variables here (imo). Mostly to do with the context of said get-together. How it all unfolded. If two people were just being friendly with each other and wanted to socialize - I'd say sure it's platonic with limited expectations.
However, if two people were obviously flirting with one another, then the element of "teasing" certainly comes into play. You have to consider the (potential) emotions stirred in the person you're meeting. Ultimately I think you're over thinking this a bit - so I'd suggest going and having fun. If the gentlemen in question seems to get attached - let him know immediately you're only looking for friendship and are not interested in a relationship.
From personal experience my advice is to never get involved with any of your Ex's friends. It's just simply not worth the potential drama. Ideally in a perfect world you should be able to meet and date whoever you want. However, the reality is you didn't get a reply message, and pursuing something like that is highly dangerous territory.
Very well said. It's absolutely one of the hardest thing I've personally had to deal with. But the sooner you get it over with, and commit yourself to moving on - the easier it becomes in time.
Sorry to hear that man. I ended my 3 year's with my Ex back in June. Hopefully you guys ended it on decent terms. Mine were (and still remain) absolutely horrible.
SpectreFire
Member
So a week ago, I had three dates lined up from OKCupid, and none of them actually happened.
I feel like the flakiness has just been ramping up more and more and I'm giving less and less of a care about meeting people online at this point. If they don't want to take it with at least some sense of seriousness, then they're really not people I want to associate with.
On the plus side, It's gotten me to be a bit more productive lately. School just started, so there's new people to meet and things to do, and I've been been doing a personal re-branding to prepare for graduation and entering the workforce. Just finished designing my personal business card and I'm taking that and using it to redo my resume and website.
For anyone here who are still having trouble with online dating, take a bit of a breather and work on yourself. Refocus on what things you're good at and rebuild your confidence in them, it's pretty helpful, and you end up doing something productive.
I feel like the flakiness has just been ramping up more and more and I'm giving less and less of a care about meeting people online at this point. If they don't want to take it with at least some sense of seriousness, then they're really not people I want to associate with.
On the plus side, It's gotten me to be a bit more productive lately. School just started, so there's new people to meet and things to do, and I've been been doing a personal re-branding to prepare for graduation and entering the workforce. Just finished designing my personal business card and I'm taking that and using it to redo my resume and website.
For anyone here who are still having trouble with online dating, take a bit of a breather and work on yourself. Refocus on what things you're good at and rebuild your confidence in them, it's pretty helpful, and you end up doing something productive.
Moz La Punk
Member
Mysterious Stranger
Member
How I find a girl thats a loner like me?
lol
lol
You break out of your shell and be less of a loner. Challenge yourself.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Trust is an integral part of a loving relationship, and even more so if it is a long-distance relationship.
If you can't trust her, then I don't think it's worth investing energy and time into said relationship.
You aren't going to suddenly trust her and be OK just because you're in closer proximity.
It won't be alright. My ex broke up with me last year. A month or so later, we got back together. But it drove me CRAZY and made me really INSECURE. I questioned her love every other day. It got to the point where my expectations and pressure got so high I became emotionally abusive. Insecurity will drive a huge rift between you guys and the only way it will ever go away is if you change yourself. In a case like this, is it worth pushing through to change yourself for someone who cheated on you? She CHEATED on you dude. It isn't hard to keep yourself away from other people. You do it. I've done it. My ex has done it. Everyone has done it. It happens.
You aren't married to her. She did something really shitty and you will never trust her again even if you think you can. Don't do it.
I am just like you. Loner in High School. Found the girl of my dreams. Dated her for almost 5 years. Then we had to break up. Now I'm all alone, and honestly, it isn't always so bad. You're going to miss her but you'll have time to do things you wouldn't have, the ability to be whoever you want to be, and you will connect with new people. I miss my ex every day, and it's been over 3 months, but eventually it'll all work out. You need to heal.
Don't stay with her. You will never trust her, even if you think you can. You will be miserable in her company and miserable out of it. Choose the better miserable.
never ignore your intuition....
Ya know, it's funny, GAF.
I attended CEDIA Expo last week, and I got roomed with our head technician for the week. He's been in an on & off relationship with this one chick since I started at the company. Well, we check into the hotel and the first thing he tells me is that we're hitting up all vendor parties that week, then local bars afterwards, and he needs me to be his wingman (I'm married). :lol
What ends up happening? He gets shot down every time, while I end up talking to the ladies for the night. I'm an awesome wingman now that I'm married. Had one girl practically beg for my business card...she even called me the next night to meet at the same bar, but we went to different bar. :lol I wasn't even flirting with these ladies...just having a normal convo with them.
Bring a wingman, SingleGAF.
GAF throws a hissy-fit when the "Can Guys & Gals Be Friends?" question pops up (every few weeks, or so), but you, being a single attractive female, should always assume a guy in that situation wants more than friendship. Guys typically don't go out of their way, like he did, to arrange plans with females they know they have no shot with.
As for letting him know you want to cancel the date? Just be honest with him. Tell him that you only want to be friends. He should appreciate the honesty.
Why not try eHarmony? While I've never done online dating, it seems like eH's method would be better than what OKC and Match do.
I attended CEDIA Expo last week, and I got roomed with our head technician for the week. He's been in an on & off relationship with this one chick since I started at the company. Well, we check into the hotel and the first thing he tells me is that we're hitting up all vendor parties that week, then local bars afterwards, and he needs me to be his wingman (I'm married). :lol
What ends up happening? He gets shot down every time, while I end up talking to the ladies for the night. I'm an awesome wingman now that I'm married. Had one girl practically beg for my business card...she even called me the next night to meet at the same bar, but we went to different bar. :lol I wasn't even flirting with these ladies...just having a normal convo with them.
Bring a wingman, SingleGAF.
GAF throws a hissy-fit when the "Can Guys & Gals Be Friends?" question pops up (every few weeks, or so), but you, being a single attractive female, should always assume a guy in that situation wants more than friendship. Guys typically don't go out of their way, like he did, to arrange plans with females they know they have no shot with.
As for letting him know you want to cancel the date? Just be honest with him. Tell him that you only want to be friends. He should appreciate the honesty.
and to be clear, I'm of the mindset that 2 young, single, and attractive people can't be friends without feelings getting in the way. I know, I know...I'm a monster for thinking that
Why not try eHarmony? While I've never done online dating, it seems like eH's method would be better than what OKC and Match do.
Ouch man, sorry to hear this.
Well, let every forced interaction with her be civil, but not a word more. Accomplish the task at hand, but don't ask questions. Not even being nice...stuff. "Hey, how are you...blah blah...If you feel you need to be polite...phrase it like "I hope things are going well" about this issue.
Get as much distance as you can.
Don't know what to tell you about the holiday coming up. :/
Perspicacity
Banned
Anyone have any luck staying friends after breaking up with someone? I just ended it yesterday because after two years we weren't progressing any further and I didn't want to waste her time as I knew she wanted it to be more serious. I was preventing us from getting more serious because she was my first relationship and I really couldn't be fully committed without knowing what else was out there.
I still love her and having to break up was one of the worst things I've ever had to do. My inclination is to just give her space until she moves on, but on the other hand I want to be there for her as she's a friend who is in pain.
I still love her and having to break up was one of the worst things I've ever had to do. My inclination is to just give her space until she moves on, but on the other hand I want to be there for her as she's a friend who is in pain.
NeOak
Member
She'll get over that pain as soon as she finds another guy.
Sunk cost. Don't go.
Here's how kaze should think about it: if someone right now offered him a free holiday, but to get it he'd have to go with his ex-gf, would he accept it? Because if the money's already gone, that's the actual choice he's making.
You're not alone in this. I was talking back and forth with around 10 girls (most of them very young women) during the summer and I had good report and interesting conversations with maybe half of them and now I not talking to a single one of them without ever meeting up. It happens. Being 200 kilometers away for about two months made meeting up difficult. One of them texted me the other day though, but the conversation died out very fast. This is a perfect example of a crossroads where you can either choose to be bitter, annoyed or depressed about the facts. Or you can choose to not let it bother you (it shouldn't).
Personally, I'm talking again with the mother I slept with a few times earlier this year. It was a nasty "breakup" but she's over it and has a new boyfriend. Tonight she asked me if we can meet for coffee someday though. Kinda weird vibe about it but we'll see. I've also spent a lot of time dancing with a cute exchange student for the past two weeks and she wanted to add me on facebook yesterday so that might be something, who knows.
Perspicacity
Banned
Yeah, that's what I figured. I really do hope that happens soon as I feel awful about the whole situation.
you're not her therapist
Ha! nice to see it viewed in economic terms.
Can there not be something worked out? How much are you losing? Is the price of another hotel or whatever just too much?
I don't know the particulars of the vacation. I for one love going alone, but I guess kraze may not..
I dunno. Need more facts.
Perspicacity
Banned
Fair point. So just leave her alone for the foreseeable future?
Yes. For goodness sakes yes.
First step of breaking up with someone is ending contact with them. All you do by trying to "be there" for her is give her more hope that she still has a chance with you, which makes it harder for her to move on.
Leave her alone dude. If you care about her at all you absolutely need to give her as much space as aboslutely possible. To give her "hope" is plain mean.
And quit thinking "friends". yall werent. It was a relationship. For her to move on, she can't think of you as the shoulder to cry on when you were the one who made it that way.
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