You're gonna hear a lot about Notre Dame over the next month or so, particularly from media types like Tony Kornheiser who have spent the past 20 years holding back a collective tidal wave of jism, waiting for the program to return to prominence so that they can declare how good it is for college football that Notre Dame is good again. The idea that Notre Dame serves as an EKG monitor for the overall health of college football is a lie, of course. Notre Dame has sucked for decades, while college football has been growing and thriving (and will finally realize its full potential in 2014 when a national playoff begins) over the same span. Whether or not the Irish stumble their way through a handful of wins against shitty service academies to find themselves in the national title game has nothing to do with it.
Because the truth is that Notre Dame is the college football team for people who don't like college football. They're a novelty, a program designed to capture the attention of casual casual casual casual college football fans—New York-media types who believe that something is relevant only when they've deigned to pay attention to it. These are the people who say they're rooting for Notre Dame because "they're a great story," which is what you say when you're a front-running douchebag.
For the Notre Dame enthusiasts, the massive, rabid fanbases littering the SEC may as well not exist. Those schools are a provincial matter. The success and regional popularity of teams like Alabama are a constant to be taken for granted, but Notre Dame being good is something SPECIAL, something far more meaningful than your routine LSU national title. That's an SEC school, right? Where are they located? Bob Costas totally forgot.
This is why I've hated Notre Dame for years and years and years. I fucking loathe them, even though I have no business loathing them. I've never set foot on campus. I've never been personally assaulted by a Notre Dame player (though there's still time). I have friends who went to that school who I like. But still... FUCK THEM. I hate Notre Dame for the exact same reasons I hate Tim Tebow. It's an underperforming football entity with an irritating tribal gloss of holiness, which gets far too much acclaim and adulation when it happens to succeed. The Fighting Irish belong with the Red Sox, the Yankees, Twilight, Taylor Swift, and any other property that is artificially relevant because the media wastes so much fucking time telling you how relevant they are.
And now here is Notre Dame in the BCS title game, finally fulfilling the hype-driven prophecy. It's the kind of thing that gets you cheering for Nick Saban, and Nick Saban is pure shit.
So with that in mind, it's time to whip out the haterade and say terrible, awful things about all things Notre Dame related. For this Hater's Guide, we're going A to Z, McKenna style. Feel free to add your own vitriol in the comments. Now let's get to hatin'!...