Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
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i lost both grandfathers, my dad has health issues, my sister has tried to kill herself many times, two of my friends have actually succeeded in doing so (one drove into traffic with a passenger taking them with him)
but the fucked up part is, I just don't feel anything
death just seems like this unavoidable event thats going to happen some time or another so there isnt much point in worrying about it
Like 6 weeks ago? The grieving process can often take months or years. Talk to your family and friends about it, that's the best support you can get. Or ring a beareavement helpline or something. As for uni, don't compare yourself to your friends. Partying now is fun, but you can pay a long term price in terms of your career. It's a choice that you have to make. You're an adult now, so take responsibility for making those choices, and take pride in taking that responsibility.
You desire relationships but have fear of abandonment. You shy away from people interested in you because of fear of abandonment. Yet you fulfill your desire for relationships by going for people unattainable, safe in the knowledge that you won't get anywhere so don't have to face your fear of abandonment. Well, that's a theory
Wish i could find a relationship...
Finished CBT therapy. i am suppose to call someone for another group about depression and sexual identity. whatever that means. sigh.
Went to the gym after the therapy today which i am glad i did. I do hate looking at the well built guys there and wonder if i will ever get to look like that.
Finished CBT therapy. i am suppose to call someone for another group about depression and sexual identity. whatever that means. sigh.
Went to the gym after the therapy today which i am glad i did. I do hate looking at the well built guys there and wonder if i will ever get to look like that.
the benefit of being a heavy set guy, is that you have plenty of mass to turn into muscle
for me, being skinny was the biggest barrier to putting on muscle
If you keep going to the gym and remind yourself that you're going for long-term goals and not short-term goals (and eat right), you will eventually have a body that you're much happier with, guaranteed. Keep it up.
And everybody is jealous of the really well-built guys at the gym.
except gandalf never said that
shadowsdarknes
Member
I'm sorry to hear that. How's your sister doing now? She probably needs you more than anything and helping her will bring you strength.
I just don't know how to talk to my friends or family about my feelings. I'm the type of person who would rather cope with a loss by surfing, except I live in Boston and don't like living here anymore. Surfing is optimal, but any activity is helpful. I want to try to learn a new language over winter break for example, and do a lot of fishing in Florida.
I have been taking responsibility for the first time this semester. For the first time since high school I have been sharing my grades on exams and essays with my folks. Taking pride in my work is something I do with my family and to an extent my friends. My friends don't share the same drive as me though, but they are still good friends and people but it's like I hardly know them anymore. It makes me feel like I'm turning into a boring person.
I'm thinking this phase is an emotional mix of losing my grandfather and going through a transition to a more responsible, mature adult.
Living overseas with her fiancee?
My internet's super spotty, but I'd be down.
That was the weird part of reading my journals covering the murder of one thread and the unexpected death of another. I didn't write anything even attempting to sound eloquent or to make some close approximation of how I felt about everything. For the longest time, I just felt nothing. Going back through what I wrote, I understand why I didn't pour my heart out more, but at the same time, it's like, this is the testament to someone so important to me: "He died two weeks ago." I made up for that a bit years later - I'm trying to track down a letter I wrote to my dead friend's parents.
Depression has proven in strange in that, rarely, I've cried inappropriately. Much more often, I've wanted to just cry my eyes out and been unable to shed a single tear. It sets the coping process on this bizarre, long trajectory.
is this in regards to the supposed ideal man that people are only interested in?
shadowsdarknes
Member
How would I know? You made her situation seem pretty grim. I thought some words of encouragement were appropriate.
friend me on Stem: i'm either bagels of pretzelkins now
Not really. I just want to be lean. I'm tired of being the fat guy in the room and I don't want huge muscles. And buying clothes would be so much easier
Sub_Level
wants to fuck an Asian grill.
You can do it. Cardio is your friend, protein is your friend, and remember that you still need a minimum amount of calories everyday so please dont starve yourself to lose weight.
Sub_Level
wants to fuck an Asian grill.
When you go the gym, it doesnt matter if you walk out as the "ideal" man. What matters is that the man who walks out is better than the man who walked in
Sorry for double post, on my phone.
Just make sure you stick to losing weight. Its doable. I did it in about a year. Don't get sucked into doing weights though like me to try and get muscles once you get bored with being thin(it will happen). Never was satisfied, couldnt bulk like i wanted no matter what i did. Basically peaked out at a certain point. Its a masochistic waste of time. In the end i dont even go to the gym anymore and the whole thing hasn't done shit for me, i just got sick of it. Diet will be the most important after a certain point. Maybe stick to doing a bunch of push-ups/situps. Thats kept me fairly tone. Just dont expect this to be a miracle cure for your depression and social issues. Im more depressed now than when i didnt give a fuck.
There is nothing wrong with having a weight lifting regimen when losing weight. In fact it's preferable.
Sub_Level
wants to fuck an Asian grill.
Man, I went out to a bar tonight with an older lady. She spent the entire night complaining about her life. I tried to stay positive and have fun regardless. Tried to get more physical with her without being overbearing. She keeps saying she'll leave but we're offered a drink by one of my friends who happened to be there. So we take it, then hop to another bar and drink some more. We get closer and friendlier. She's still complaining and we head outside to a patio and we kiss. Then literally right after we kiss she starts flirting with another guy. I pretty much instantly left.
Sometimes it seems like women can do whatever the fuck they want. Their emotions are just flags blowing in whatever direction the wind forces them. And I know that thinking this way is utterly stupid and there's lots of good women out there but I just keep getting fucking hurt and I don't know what I do wrong or how to protect myself and all that progress I've made on myself with regards to depression starts to melt and I go back to being a bitter fool.
Sometimes it seems like women can do whatever the fuck they want. Their emotions are just flags blowing in whatever direction the wind forces them. And I know that thinking this way is utterly stupid and there's lots of good women out there but I just keep getting fucking hurt and I don't know what I do wrong or how to protect myself and all that progress I've made on myself with regards to depression starts to melt and I go back to being a bitter fool.
Just because you lift weights and do pushups and pullups doesn't mean you'll be bulky. If you want to be lean you're going to have to do a lot of weight training, along with plenty of cardio and a clean diet low in carbs.
So over Thanksgiving my mom more or less begged me to go to college because I can't be a loser forever. She didn't say it like that and she meant well, but that is what she implied. That isn't me reading into it. I live with my grandparents. I moved back in with them after a lease was up and I left a job and I didn't intend to stay very long. And then I realized that they need someone here, even if they don't need daily care or anything. But they are old, not in the greatest of health, and my previous job was literally less than 2 minutes from door to door, so it didn't make a lot of sense to move out. Plus the only other responsible grandchild (who had also lived here up until his late 20s) is busy on his 4th degree, two jobs, and is preparing the move to the South West for a government job.
And the truth is, I don't really do much around here. Every now and then they need me to lift something, or get something down from the attic, or fix a computer issue. Most of the time I'm locking in my room online/playing games/trying to sleep. And since my sister is about to graduate high school and has mostly settled on a college, my mom is begging me to go because "you can't just stay with grandma and grandpa forever". She's right, though, and I didn't take offense to it. It's something I've felt since before I moved out a few years ago.
I started looking into online courses to take, even though I have zero interest in any field, and signed up for some information. Well, a day later I started getting multiple phone calls a day from these places. I'm talking upwards of 15-20, with multiple calls per hour. Which has been sending me into full on panic attacks over the constant calls themselves and the idea of signing up for classes, doing the work, paying for it, and having it probably not help me that much anyway. And then I start thinking about how I legitimately can't handle the idea of job interviews/coworkers/boss relationships. I can truly not even picture myself in that situation again. I had a letter come to me from a company that was for mostly the same job I was doing, but with better pay and benefits. I started to fill it out and literally couldn't finish it, because I couldn't write anymore. My official reason was because they allow no facial hair. I actually did take issue with that, considering I haven't been completely clean shaven in 3ish years or so and a beard has become a defining feature for me that I can't do with out, and I think it is fucking creepy when businesses micro manage appearances like that. I fully understand now allowing someone to grow a hobo beard (which I have multiple times and it is awesome), but not allowing neatly trimmed facial hair for an overnight security job is gross. But the real reason is that the idea of going in for the interview and actually working made me want to curl up in a ball, cuz I gotta go fast.
I feel like I've been having more issues with anxiety lately than straight up depression. More so than I ever have in the past. Although, I think I've also had a lot more intensely dark days mixed in with fairly normal days than I can ever remember. My suicidal ideations are certainly getting a lot more specific and realistic when they pop up, as opposed to the generic versions I've had in years past. I've been hiking 5-8 miles lately in a reserve near me, and that usually chills me out for the rest of the day just from being so worn out. But I also have an awful lot of "that branch looks pretty strong" and "this is a pretty secluded area".
And the truth is, I don't really do much around here. Every now and then they need me to lift something, or get something down from the attic, or fix a computer issue. Most of the time I'm locking in my room online/playing games/trying to sleep. And since my sister is about to graduate high school and has mostly settled on a college, my mom is begging me to go because "you can't just stay with grandma and grandpa forever". She's right, though, and I didn't take offense to it. It's something I've felt since before I moved out a few years ago.
I started looking into online courses to take, even though I have zero interest in any field, and signed up for some information. Well, a day later I started getting multiple phone calls a day from these places. I'm talking upwards of 15-20, with multiple calls per hour. Which has been sending me into full on panic attacks over the constant calls themselves and the idea of signing up for classes, doing the work, paying for it, and having it probably not help me that much anyway. And then I start thinking about how I legitimately can't handle the idea of job interviews/coworkers/boss relationships. I can truly not even picture myself in that situation again. I had a letter come to me from a company that was for mostly the same job I was doing, but with better pay and benefits. I started to fill it out and literally couldn't finish it, because I couldn't write anymore. My official reason was because they allow no facial hair. I actually did take issue with that, considering I haven't been completely clean shaven in 3ish years or so and a beard has become a defining feature for me that I can't do with out, and I think it is fucking creepy when businesses micro manage appearances like that. I fully understand now allowing someone to grow a hobo beard (which I have multiple times and it is awesome), but not allowing neatly trimmed facial hair for an overnight security job is gross. But the real reason is that the idea of going in for the interview and actually working made me want to curl up in a ball, cuz I gotta go fast.
I feel like I've been having more issues with anxiety lately than straight up depression. More so than I ever have in the past. Although, I think I've also had a lot more intensely dark days mixed in with fairly normal days than I can ever remember. My suicidal ideations are certainly getting a lot more specific and realistic when they pop up, as opposed to the generic versions I've had in years past. I've been hiking 5-8 miles lately in a reserve near me, and that usually chills me out for the rest of the day just from being so worn out. But I also have an awful lot of "that branch looks pretty strong" and "this is a pretty secluded area".
scar tissue
Banned
Sorry bro.
It's a vicious cycle.
For me, it's pretty hard to "keep it together" sometimes, especially when it seems like the world is shoving it in your face that everyone gets love, affection and sex except for you and a handful of other freaks. Like, I see 3 couples kissing on my way to university and when I arrive in the lab, my lab partners are flirting. ugh.
Obviously this is no-one's fault and not done on purpose (I'm a lot of things but not paranoid/delusional, lol), but it is extremely frustrating.
Sorry bro.
It's a vicious cycle.
For me, it's pretty hard to "keep it together" sometimes, especially when it seems like the world is shoving it in your face that everyone gets love, affection and sex except for you and a handful of other freaks. Like, I see 3 couples kissing on my way to university and when I arrive in the lab, my lab partners are flirting. ugh.
Obviously this is no-one's fault and not done on purpose (I'm a lot of things but not paranoid/delusional, lol), but it is extremely frustrating.
makes going to subway or work a real struggle tbh
scar tissue
Banned
Yep. I kind of want to punch society in the face sometimes.
Collete
Member
Until further notice, I no longer have a laptop. My old laptop just decided "Oh you're depressed, AND extremely suicidal. Great! I just won't boot up for you anymore and make you lose all your precious work you even went through 
"
It just gives me a black screen and I tried every damn thing to get the stupid thing working....
I can't fucking deal with this right now. I have 3 exams, one in two hours. And another in 4 which I need my material on my old laptop to even work.
I can't fucking deal with this...
"It just gives me a black screen and I tried every damn thing to get the stupid thing working....
I can't fucking deal with this right now. I have 3 exams, one in two hours. And another in 4 which I need my material on my old laptop to even work.
I can't fucking deal with this...
You won't turn into Hulk overnight, so don't worry.
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
Until further notice, I no longer have a laptop. My old laptop just decided "Oh you're depressed, AND extremely suicidal. Great! I just won't boot up for you anymore and make you lose all your precious work you even went through
It just gives me a black screen and I tried every damn thing to get the stupid thing working....
I can't fucking deal with this right now. I have 3 exams, one in two hours. And another in 4 which I need my material on my old laptop to even work.
I can't fucking deal with this...
Assuming it's not a hardware problem, I came across something amazing today:
http://www.hirensbootcd.org/download/
If this won't work, I don't know what will. Aside from taking out the HDD and moving files to another system, obviously. Keep in mind that your work is almost impossible to get "lost" on an HDD. It's still there, it's just access that's the issue. And that is fixable.
On top of everything else, I think I've developed tinnitus in my right ear. The past couple weeks there's been a non-stop ringing, and I can't tell if it's getting worse or not. I think it may be at least partially due to my job (call center) where I'm wearing a headset with a right-side speaker all day, and sometimes it gets really loud. Fuck my life.
Sub_Level
wants to fuck an Asian grill.
I definitely feel better this morning. I think the alcohol just exacerbates the sadness and anger of disappointment. It's really not that big of a deal. At any rate, this type of post is only tangentially related to depression, and I don't mean to derail the thread or use it as a place to blog about sub_level's daily life.
I'm sure you've looked at universities, but have you considering technical schools? Normal university isn't for everyone. They offer career programs in stuff like medical technology, physical therapy, electronics (math heavy, think motherboards and stuff), information systems and security (IT), automotive, and HVAC/Refrigeration.
You write eloquently enough that I would be hard-pressed to say you couldn't do it. There are legitimate online programs out there, especially those tied to legit universities (as opposed to your University of Phoenix's >_>)
Best way to get over social anxieties is to get experience in social situations. Can you imagine yourself as a waiter, for example? Selling yourself to the manager for the job interview that you're a likeable, energetic, focused worker. Constantly having to convey information between the table and the cooks in the kitchen. Ensuring that the table has a good time and making small-talk occasionally. It might be worth doing just to get that experience and confidence in dealing with people. I've totally botched interviews in the past. I mean really, really badly. But after years of applying to places in between jobs, interviews with the managers are just a part of normal life and you get comfortable to the point where you can start reading other people and become proficient at communicating information/humour/concerns/e.t.c.
Absolutely not. I'm not a people person. That's why I've spent the past 2-3 years working security, overnights as often as possible. I've never had a job interview that didn't land in a job. Waiter sounds absolutely awful. I'm not energetic, I don't do small talk, and it isn't something I'm interested in doing. I can't project that I am an energetic people person, and I don't want to be. My depression and anxiety has never been wrapped up in how many friends or people like me. I don't care at all, I just want to be left alone to my own devices. I hit the "I can't pretend to do something I don't like for a living" at way too early of an age. I did finally get my Fafsa filled out and turned in, so we'll see what happens with that.
Collete
Member
I can't even download anything. The monitor and some other workings inside is malfunctioning.
In any case, parents are gracious enough to allow me to get a better pc. Which I'll glady take advantage of.
I then can actually play better stuff on my laptop.
User 100115
Banned
Hey, bright side yay! It's always awesome to get a new PC. And maybe you can salvage the laptop drive.
Collete
Member
And now my dad's all like "We're going to fix your piece of shit pc so you won't be able to get a good functional one."
Such indeceisiviness....
User 100115
Banned
Boo. But hey, if it's fixed right, it'll be awesome, so....Fixing a PC is sometimes more pricey than buying a new one. Mention that. And direct him to Newegg lol
User 100115
Banned
I can't meditate, I've tried, but my brain won't shut up. I need to try again, but it's discouraging.
My brain's like that too but my therapist encouraged me to try. What I've been doing is instead of trying to get my brain to shut up is to focus on stuff like how I'm breathing or counting. Sometimes I'll meditate in the shower 'cause that's another stimulus. If I can get myself to try to focus on all three at the same time, it usually takes away any focus on shitty thoughts. I doubt that's the "right" way to meditate but I don't know... it might help if you're thinking of trying again?
Interesting thing about getting your brain to listen to yourself. There is something called neural feedback, which is being researched right now. 8 people were shown how their brains reacted to positive images. The researchers said they believed the MRI scans allowed participants to work out, through trial and error, which sort of positive emotional imagery was most effective.
Science.
Ps. On the meditation thing, I recall reading about one such practise, where it was primarily about relaxation. You were to just think about how the body is feeling.
Science.
Ps. On the meditation thing, I recall reading about one such practise, where it was primarily about relaxation. You were to just think about how the body is feeling.
My brain's like that too but my therapist encouraged me to try. What I've been doing is instead of trying to get my brain to shut up is to focus on stuff like how I'm breathing or counting. Sometimes I'll meditate in the shower 'cause that's another stimulus. If I can get myself to try to focus on all three at the same time, it usually takes away any focus on shitty thoughts. I doubt that's the "right" way to meditate but I don't know... it might help if you're thinking of trying again?
It took me about 8x 1 hour long sessions over the course of a couple weeks before I started noticing a difference. It can be really discouraging at first when you notice no changes, but you also have to remember that if you have a busy mind (which I have as well) it takes a while longer before you get comfortable. It's almost like having an addiction and at times you get withdrawal symptoms. Early on meditation can seem really boring and also quite pointless if you're not clearly seeing the benefit, but like anything, you get out what you put into it. I've met people who have completely turned their life around by just meditating for 30 minutes a day.
But the general idea isn't to stop thinking (that only creates more thinking about thinking) but instead move your attention away from your thoughts by focusing on the body or the breath. When I meditate I still think constantly, but I don't pay any attention to it. Almost like having a radio or television on in the background while I'm doing other things.
I've gone to a lot of different meditation classes and I constantly meet people who quit really early on without giving it a real chance. Which is a shame really as I think it's probably one of the best tools we have for dealing with depression.
I'm not an expert but I think there are 3 ways of dealing with depression: avoiding/ignoring, indulging, or trying to overcome. In my own experiences I have found myself constantly going through each of these steps in one form or another without any kind of relief. I believe many of us were brought up to think that in order to win against depression you have to "do" something about it. While you could argue meditating is "doing" something about it, it teaches you to let go of the doing and just accept things for how they are. In that acceptance you are more able to objectively make positive changes. You may also find yourself laughing at how seriously you were taking your own life.
Sorry for the long post.
Yep, this is my brain as well. I used to try it last year (around this time of year), and after about 5 weeks I think I was getting the hang of it, but then I gave up.
Out of curiosity, why did you give up?
That's really interesting. I was listening to a neuroscientist talking about how depressed people get caught up in negative feedback loops. We experience something painful and then we dwell on that pain which seems to create even more pain and that kind of goes on in an endless cycle.
Things just got really bad, and my depression spiked. All my energy then went into doing well at school and absolutely nothing else. (All that energy is spent now, so I'm doing crap.)
Thanks I'll try doing that, part of the problem is that I do want to do the course otherwise it's back to being unemployed, but I'm just sinking into a deeper hole with work and stuff and it's pretty hard to get back on top.
Yeah, I've had that chat with my professor, she could understand but the way things are going she probably won't give me another chance, I've started looking into full time jobs again while doing the course, not sure if my chances are any greater this time.
I've come to realize that meditating when things are really bad are the best times to do it. It can be more difficult, but it can also be more beneficial. When you're depressed you're more open emotionally and those can be the best times to make breakthroughs.
But I understand. When I'm busy with work and feeling like crap meditating is the last thing on my mind, lol.
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